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Open Letter to Married Men Who Hit On Me

June 17, 2011

Dear married men who hit on me,

I’ve seen many of you in my lifetime, and there are several things I’ve always wanted to say to you, but never had the chance. Well, I can’t keep silent anymore.

Married men who hit on me, you disgust me. Do you really think that I’m going to buy your stories? Do you honestly believe I’m going to think that I’m special, different, that maybe you’ll leave your wife for me? Is it that you think I’m stupid? Or maybe you think I have no self-esteem, that I am so desperate for a man that I would attempt to steal one from another woman. Do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that what you are doing is right?

I have to admit, I respect how strategic you are in your advances. You have a story, and you stick to it. There are several key approaches you cheaters utilize:

  • I’m unhappy in my relationship. The love is all gone. What happens if you marry the wrong person? Don’t I deserve true love?
  • That bitch cheated on me. Two can play at that game, and don’t you want to help me exact revenge?
  • We’re separated. Okay, maybe we just got into a fight yesterday afternoon and I’m saying we are separated, when in reality we have a two-year-old and a Golden Retriever at home and she’s making meatloaf tonight (my fav!), but we’re separated. I’m gonna file for divorce any day now.
  • You are so different than she is. You are so fun, sexy and free spirited.  My life with my wife is so monotonous, boring and we never have fun anymore. I just really wish she was more like you.
  • Me? Married? No, I’m not married. Free as a bird. Oh – this tan line on my left hand ring finger? I don’t see it – what do you mean? The ring in my front pocket? Just holding it for a friend.
  • Losing you was the biggest mistake I ever made. You were the one who got away. I just married my wife to get over you. And now that you are single, well …
  • I love you. You are the one. Are you supposed to ignore “the one” when they come along? I’m leaving her for you. Just sit tight. Any day now.
  • Miscellaneous: She let herself go. I’m in a different time zone. Vegas. Everything but sex is okay. She’ll never find out. I’m not getting what I need at home. It’s just a kiss. Oh, I’m just flirting – I’d never go through with it. It’ll only be one time. How can you deny the connection we have? Etc., etc., etc…

Don’t get me wrong, married men. I really sympathize with you. It must really suck that you married the wrong person. I’m sorry she cheated on you. It brings a tear to my eye to think about how you are forced to live in a loveless marriage. But you know what I think you should do?

wedding, marriage, rings

Remember this day? How about these rings? Ringing a bell? Photo courtesy of Rich Bowen

GET DIVORCED. If you are that unhappy, get divorced. Do not hit on other women. And don’t hit on ME. I am not a home wrecker. I have been cheated on, and I know the pain of finding out my partner has been unfaithful. I will never be a willing participant in bringing that pain upon someone else. Call me when you are divorced. Notice I said divorced – not separated.

Furthermore, even if you did leave your wife for me, don’t you think I would spend the rest of my life wondering if you would – waiting for you to – cheat on me too?

So let me remind you. You are married. In case you don’t know what that means, let me break it down for you:

M – is for Matrimony, like HOLY Matrimony.

A – is for Aisle, like the aisle you walked down when you got MARRIED.

R – is for Respect, like the respect you should have for your wife and NOT cheat.

R – is for Repercussions, because you better know there are repercussions for cheating. You will be caught, and even if you aren’t, karma is gonna kick your ass.

I – is for Inappropriate, which is one of the best words I can find to describe your behavior.

E – is for Effort, which is what a marriage takes. And clearly you aren’t putting any in.

D – is for Divorced, which is what you’ll be if your wife finds out what scum you are.

In conclusion, thanks for the high honor you have paid me by hitting on me. I can’t tell you how amazingly flattered I am; I can hardly get over it. But the water is not warm here. You can move on and hit on someone else – or better yet, stop being a cheater. Reread your marriage vows and actually abide by them.

All my best,

Catherine

Other open letters I’ve written: Open Letter to the Man in the Minivan and Open Letter to BP

 

Most awkward transition ever, but don’t forget, if you want to win a free three-month membership to Match.com to try and find a partner that won’t cheat on you (I know, I’m reaching), be sure to comment on Happy Blogiversary with why you want to try online dating. Entries will be accepted until 6 p.m. EST today, Friday, June 17!


39 Comments leave one →
  1. June 17, 2011 11:54 am

    Hahahahahaha. I almost had nothing (good) to respond with until I got to the bottom about the most awkward transition. Nothing like a post on cheating, lying and broken love to advertise a 3 month pass to find love.

    I’m on to your reverse psychology.

    To play devil’s advocate *a bit as I 100% do not condone cheating and advances married men make while out*, some women can be equal in blame when it comes to this sort of thing.

    Many studies I’ve read *can I site any of them right now…no ;)* mention that a lot of women are more attracted to a married man *or the ring on his finger* and are more likely to approach a married man while out than a single man. It’s something about them believing that this is a man who can committ and be “tamed” etc etc…but the major flaw to this frame-of-mind obvious is:

    if he cheats with you exactly HOW committed or tamed is he really?

    My philosophy has always been, and always will be, if you feel the need to cheat you shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.

    • June 21, 2011 9:33 pm

      Matthew,
      I couldn’t agree with you more regarding if you want to cheat, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’ve heard those same studies but I just don’t get it. I see a guy with a ring, I move on. I lose all interest. I think “NEXT!” I just don’t understand how women can find married men more attractive. I guess evolutionarily (is that a word) it might make some sense, but I just have never ever felt this way so it is just so foreign to me.

      • June 21, 2011 10:19 pm

        Before I got a steady GF, I was really tempted to do a “scientific study” and go out for a few weekends with a faux-wedding band to see if I would get any extra attention.

        Don’t think that would go over very well now…even if it is for educational and experimental purposes. That’s alright though. I have plenty of other social experiments to toy around with.

        • June 21, 2011 10:28 pm

          That would be an awesome experiment. I’d love to see the results. Get one of your single friends to do it for me :)

  2. June 17, 2011 12:12 pm

    Kudos for the awkward transition. The post made me go from >:-( at the cheating idiots part to :)) at the free membership part!

  3. June 17, 2011 12:25 pm

    Great letter and all so true. It really made me laugh because it is the flip side of my last post – Advice to the Other Woman. Every story and every complaint may have some truth, but only from a certain perspective. Bottom line: Get out of the relationship you are in before you try to get in another one!!!!

  4. June 17, 2011 3:48 pm

    Great post! Does Match.com have a box on it’s survey to check to indicate if you would like a cheater or a non cheater??

  5. Claudia permalink
    June 17, 2011 4:34 pm

    Men are funny. They are non-committal…until they are. Once they are in a stable serious relationship, they don’t want to loose it just as much as we don’t. They fear divorce because they have just as much of a fear of being alone as women are said to. It’s basic human nature.

    They aren’t in loveless marriages (for the most part). If they were, they would get a divorce because the fear of being alone eventually gets overruled (no matter the gender) if there is no love. Companionship only goes so far.

    Cheaters however are not getting their needs met physically and/or emotionally.

    The issue of not feeling wanted. Men generally equate it to “not enough sex” and women to the romance. Either way you want to describe it, it comes down the same thing: not enough time and effort is placed on keeping the relationship going.

    Things go stale over time if you don’t put the effort in. With open communication this can be worked out. Much easier than cheating as long as both people are willing to work on it. It takes far less effort to woo someone who loves you than a stranger.

    If the root problem is sexual incompatibility, it’s much more difficult and takes a lot more compromises. Sadly few people put as much importance in this early on as they do other more socially acceptable things. Many people also lie, mislead and hide information.

    Sometimes the only work around for sexual incompatibility is an open relationship. But like having open communication about sex with the person you are having sex with, it is socially unacceptable.

    The cheating happens when communication breaks down and both parties aren’t working on things. Sadly it’s the point when the person throws their hands up in the air and gives up emotionally.

    Some people will never be happy in a monogamous relationship. What they need is the chase. The new person to want them. The power. The abuse of power. They have the madonna/whore complex. The list goes on. Typically though the married guys hitting on women online, in bars, whatever fall into this category. Those being talked about now. The majority of pick-up lines here are a complete fabrication. Like all pick-up lines. And they most defiantly will not leave their spouse and on the rare chance that they do, will treat you the same.

    It’s pretty simplistic to say if you cheat you shouldn’t be in the relationship. Or once a cheater always a cheater. Sometimes what was broken can be fixed. Sometimes they can’t. Sometimes an open relationship works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve know couples to come out of it fine. I’ve known those that haven’t.

    Love doesn’t mean everything is going to work out. Love means you are willing to try your best to make things work.

    • June 21, 2011 10:50 pm

      Claudia,
      Thank you and what a great comment. It’s given me a lot to think about. Maybe it’s just the point in my life, and what I’ve been through, but I have a hard time believing in gray area. Feeling bad for someone who is compelled to cheat because of outside forces is not in my DNA. I agree with you though that these things can be worked out, with communication and honesty and hard work. But I’m afraid that many people aren’t willing to put the work in that a relationship requires. Relationships aren’t easy – ever. Some are harder than others.

      As far as open relationships, I’ve never seen this work. I’ve known several couples who have tried this out, but in my experience, one partner is usually bothered by the situation. Or one partner steps out of bounds. Because, often, those compelled to be in open relationships like the variety, but often they still have a part of them that likes to deceive their partner. So, even if they are allowed to see other people, they will break the “rules” established for the open relationship, ultimately cheating or disrespecting their partner. Perhaps open relationships, I just honestly haven’t seen it for any of my friends have tried.

      Maybe some people can’t be in monogomous relationshps, but I would hope that they realize this about themselves to avoid hurting anyone. While I agree love means you are willing to try your best to make things work, love for YOURSELF means that you know when things aren’t going to work out/good for you and you choose yourself over the one you are with, especially if that person is consistently hurting you.

      Thanks again for your commen and thoughts :)

  6. Ally permalink
    June 17, 2011 9:10 pm

    Oh, you forgot my favorite: “My wife and I are just staying together until the kids go away to college. THEN we’ll get divorced.” Riiiiight, Does SHE know that? Because I have a feeling she doesn’t…

    I can’t stand when people in committed relationships (married or not) cheat and come up with a million excuses why it’s okay. Hmph.

    Great post!

    • June 21, 2011 9:36 pm

      Thanks Ally. That’s a good one – I actually haven’t heard that one before. There must be a million excuses….and unfortunately, for every excuse, there is a woman who will believe it…

  7. June 18, 2011 12:12 am

    And this crap pisses me off because married guys are going after the same women that we single dudes are trying so valiantly to woo. It’s hard enough as it is without the competition!

    • June 19, 2011 12:29 am

      I have a long list of potential single women for you to woo if you’re willing to move to Canada. And most of us don’t have a second head!

    • June 21, 2011 9:37 pm

      Haha, Mark. Totally true. Not fair, you have your woman, step off all the available ones! Seems like you and Susan could have a potential love connection, should you want to move to Old Canada :)

  8. June 18, 2011 12:57 pm

    I do agree that some married women cheat also.

    Cheating spouses are bringing in their own pain. Would I want to be alone instead? yes, most definitley. Live freely, peace in mind.

    I’m not convinced of open relationships at all. Empty.
    Life is short, so make the most of it happily and peace in heart and mind.

    • June 21, 2011 9:38 pm

      I agree with you, Jean, on open relationships. I think those are just a mess waiting to happen. And, I find that guys who claim to be in one, are really in a one-sided open relationship…aka cheating!

  9. June 20, 2011 2:40 pm

    My open letter to anyone who cheats (married or just in a committed relationship):

    If you want someone else bad enough to have sex with him/her then you shouldn’t be in your current relationship because either you don’t deserve it or it isn’t doing you any good. So end your current relationship and then chase all the strange you want.

    Then end.

    Thank you.

  10. June 21, 2011 12:40 pm

    THANK YOU FOR SUCH A CANDID AND BOLD BLOG! THESE DAYS, I SEEM TO BE THE “MARRIED MAN” MAGNET, AND I HAVE HEARD ALL THOSE LINES PLUS MORE! ONE GUY TRIED TO JUSTIFY HIS INDISCRETION AS GENETIC STATING HIS FATHER MAINTAINED A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS MISTRESS FOR OVER 30 YEARS! REALLY DUDE? I DON’T THINK SO, AM NOT NOT COMPETITIVE, BUT I AM CONCEITED (JUST A LITTLE) , MEANING I DO NOT SHARE, I AM TOO GOOD FOR THAT!

    IF I TAKE NOTHING ELSE AWAY FROM READING THIS POST, I REST ASSURED THAT KARMA WILL FIND YOU EVENTUALLY AND I RATHER RECEIVE A KISS FROM KARMA VERSUS A KICK!

    • June 21, 2011 10:20 pm

      Liber8tedsoul,
      Thanks so much for your comment and for stopping by the blog! I too, would much rather be on the good side of karma so I am doing everything I can to make sure I’m a good person – and that includes A: Not cheating and B: Not stealing another woman’s man. Hopefuly, some woman will pay me the favor back someday. And no, your father being a cheater cheater pumpkin eater does NOT help your case!! :)

    • June 27, 2011 5:49 pm

      I too have been the married or seperated man magnet… or just the cheating guy (you know the one, not married, but can’t be faithful) it does get tiring. I love the ones who want to “date” me who are seperated… my response is always the same, call me when your divorce is final… have not had a call yet. Maybe one day I will find that one good guy… I am sure he is out there.

      • June 28, 2011 11:20 pm

        agirlajeepandahouse,
        Ha, “have not had a call yet.” You and me both – that says a lot!! I know we’ll find it… just time…

  11. June 21, 2011 2:00 pm

    I have the same sentiments you do when it comes to married men still acting single. The nerve! And some women should have more integrity, although I know sometimes they get tricked into believing the man is still single.

    • June 21, 2011 10:21 pm

      shetraces,
      I totally feel you on when guys mislead women to think they are single. That’s another story, and I really feel for those women who are tricked into relationships, even falling in love, with married men. But the women who are aware the guy is single should know better. Shame!

  12. June 21, 2011 6:38 pm

    This comment is for several blogposts:
    You make me laugh and think–I suppose I will have to subscribe.
    Your friend’s “translation” of “online-dating-speak” is hilarious. My favorite used to be when people, usually women, were looking for their “missing link”–I think they meant the missing puzzle piece in their life, of course, and their friends set them straight pretty soon that they don’t really want a “missing link”.
    You couldn’t make me go back to online dating if I was guaranteed that Jennifer Connelly (sp?) and Peggy Fleming were both going to immediately want to respond, positively, to my “profile”. It’s bad form to shamelessly plug my own blog, so let’s just say that it’s fun to write about online dating.

    • June 21, 2011 10:25 pm

      Trailertrashdeluxe,
      Thanks for stopping by and I’m glad you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read so far. I hope you do subscribe! And this weekend, when I have some more time, I’m going to check out all these new blogs I’ve been introduced to today through Freshly Pressed! In the meantime, you are so right… writing about online dating can be fun. Hell, online dating can be fun. As long as you go in with the right mindset!

  13. June 23, 2011 12:30 am

    DAMN STRAIGHT.

    The end!

  14. Robert permalink
    June 25, 2011 12:00 am

    Haha

    Amusing post, thanks.

  15. Kristina permalink
    August 4, 2011 12:34 am

    I just recently found out about my husband cheating on me with my so called best friend of 10 years.. the cheating went on for 6 weeks before he told me, which was after he asked me for a divorce and i moved out.. I was at home working 33 hrs per week, he was working out of town, and i was taking care of our kids and home by myself. I never knew we even had a problem that he was unhappy, he’d call me i love u baby, the whole nine. And it wasnt just one g/f he had on the side but 2. one in the town he was working in and one here. Needless to say after he told me i told her fiance, wrote her off and dont care to ever see her again. Him on the other hand i wanted to cut his genitals off. I still am confused and dont know what to do. its only been a month. He wants to make it work, he is soo sorry and blah blah. Im just waiting for the next bimbo to come along and him to do it again. I dont know if i will ever be happy with him again but i dont want my kids to grow up in a split home. Im lost. But thanks for this letter- i want to show him!! HAHA =)

    • August 9, 2011 8:24 pm

      Kristina,
      I’m so sorry to hear everything you are going through. The first part of your comment sounded very much like you were through with him and knew you deserved better (which, by the way, you totally do), but then the second half sounded like you were considering it…. please, please, please take some time to figure out what you should do. Don’t jump back in with him too quickly. Take some time to love yourself and figure out what you want….and you may very likely find that you don’t want to be with someone you can’t trust ever again. Take care :)
      PS: You totally should share this post with him! LOL

  16. November 25, 2011 3:39 am

    Great post Catherine… a very fun reading stuff… btw.. I’m divorced, can I hit on you.? :) .. (Just kidding..hahaha.) .. Anyway, be happy and stay cool..

  17. February 20, 2012 12:34 am

    Thank you, oh my God, thank you! After a lifetime of freedom from unwanted advances, (except when I found out about my Now Ex Husband’s gf), I’m suddenly Married Man Bait! I don’t know how this happened to me, but if another married guy starts telling me how “beautiful,” “awesome,” and “2 cute” I am, I’m gonna spit.

    My problem was that when this first began to happen, I was too stupid to get pissed off. As a Southern girl, I was raised to be nice and polite, so I felt uneasy jumping from Hello to Get Lost in 30 seconds. Finally, I’ve realized that once a guy sees me as a potential booty call, there’s no way to kindly and gently ease him back into non-threatening friend territory. The only possibilities are: 1) ask pointedly if his wife knows he carries on like this with single women, or 2) continue trying to be nice, and set myself up for weeks or months of the same crap.

    Enough! Thanks for helping me wake up!

    J.

    • March 4, 2012 9:58 pm

      Julie,
      I had the same trouble, being too nice to these guys who really didn’t deserve it! Glad we both came to our senses. Cheers!

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