Hello, Anger
**Just a quick note to say hello to all the new readers from being Freshly Pressed Tuesday! I’m really excited to meet you all and am glad you are following along on my journey. A recap: I started this blog last summer after cancelling my wedding to my love of seven years. This blog is about me starting over and learning to love my new life. I look forward to getting to know you all better. Thanks for reading!**
I’ve felt so proud of myself this whole time, smug really. I’ve never really gotten angry at my ex. Even after all the lies and the complete disrespect he showed for what we had and our pending nuptials, I didn’t get angry with him. There were moments here and there when I lashed out, maybe threw my engagement ring or memorabilia box at him, but there was never a time where I felt disgust or hate for him. I always felt sorry for him. Why? Well, because he lost me. (Duh – Obviously.) I always thought I was the bigger person, wishing him well, trying to forgive. I was unwilling to hold serious ill will for the man who I almost married, even though he had ripped my heart into a million little pieces.
We’ve all heard about the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. According to Wikipedia, “It’s important to note that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Not everyone who experiences a life-changing event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in the order that is written.”
I definitely went through denial, where for weeks after we cancelled the wedding, my ex fiancé and I pretty much acted as though we were still a couple and that nothing had happened, well except for the fact there were moving boxes everywhere and we were sleeping in different rooms. I went through the depression several times this year as well. And I’ve always been bargaining with myself, telling myself that if I find someone better, then this will all be worth it. If something good comes out of this breakup, like the blog or a writing career, then I will be happy. I guess I’d always thought I had glossed over the anger stage. Maybe I didn’t get angry, I thought, because I was the bigger person. (Now you know what I mean when I said I was smug?)
I believed that I had finally reached the Holy Grail: acceptance.
Somehow, this picture is exactly how I feel. Photo courtesy of psycholabs
Well ladies and gentlemen, I’m here. A year and two months later, I’m angry. Correction: I’m pissed. I’m aware it’s a little late. It’s not like you can yell and scream at someone who broke your heart more than a year ago.
Maybe now is a good time to tell you the runner-up for the title of this blog post, which is:
I Knew You Would Move On … But Did It Have To Be With Her?
I saw my ex a few weeks ago. When I saw him, he mentioned that he was seeing someone off and on, a few times a month. At first, this didn’t bother me at all. I had moved on too – hell, I was blogging about it.
You could say I was feeling all healed and warm with acceptance. Sure, a few thoughts of, “I wonder if she’s prettier than me?” and “Is he happier with her than me?” crossed my mind. The minute I started to picture him and this unnamed woman together, frolicking in the meadow, in love, her wearing my engagement ring, I had to completely shut the whole thing out of my mind. But these feelings are normal, right?
So, I did what any unhealed person who thinks they are healed does – I went on his Facebook page to see if I could tell who he was dating. I know, mature. I’ve never claimed to be perfectly balanced.
And there it was, staring me right in the face. His high school sweetheart, let’s call her Christina, or Tina for short, had posted a love song on his page. Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum. Gag me.
Some history is in order. Tina and my ex fiancé dated while they were in high school. It was some epic love story where her parents broke them up because they wanted her to marry a preacher. Tina and my ex fiancé break up, she marries a preacher and lives in a faraway land, where they have two children and live happily ever after.
For years, I felt a little insecure about Tina. I felt like my ex still had a thing for her, but don’t we all have a thing for our first love? I’ve admitted before that I have some trust issues/baggage, but ultimately, I trusted him when he told me had zero interest in her. She was married, to a preacher of all people, he told me. She had children, and he would never want to be with someone who already had children. And, she was not attractive anymore – motherhood had not done her well.
Even when my ex fiance’s brother married Tina’s sister (I know this is getting complicated, I should draw a flow chart), I wasn’t concerned. I mean, I was just a few months away from my own wedding to the man of my dreams.
And then my world crumbled around me. I found out my ex was not the man he pretended to be. Toward the very end, he gave me a password for his cell phone account. He was trying to earn my trust back, and I asked him, “Am I going to find any more lies when I look at this account?” He assured me I wouldn’t. So, I went through his cell phone records, only to find that he’d been texting with Tina daily behind my back for about eight months, all the while deleting any evidence of these conversations from his phone.
“Seriously? Tina? Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to Tina behind my back? You knew I would find this on your phone bills. You gave me the password!” I asked him incredulously.
“I don’t even know how to tell you the truth anymore. I’ve been lying for so long, I simply can’t be honest with you,” was his response. Well if that doesn’t make me want to marry you, I don’t know what does.
He and Tina both swore that these conversations were innocent. She was a married woman, after all. They were simply catching up and talking about how crazy it was that her sister ultimately married his brother. And don’t you know that takes eight months to talk about? Tina admitted she hadn’t told her husband she was back in touch with my ex fiancé, but that was because it was innocent. “If it is innocent, why would you keep it a secret from your husband?” I asked. She didn’t have a good answer.
When I ended the relationship with my ex, the Tina stuff barely had anything to do with it. It was just the tip of the ugly, deceitful, heartbreaking iceberg.
A few weeks ago, when I saw the love song on my ex’s page, posted by none other than Tina, I almost threw up. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I felt so deceived, so hurt, so … consumed with anger.
It turns out that after my ex fiancé and I called off the wedding, Tina and her husband got divorced. How friggin’ convenient. And now they are seeing each other. There’s a constant “Really With Seth and Amy?!” SNL skit running through my head:
Really? You ended up with the girl you always said you wouldn’t? Really?!
Really? She ended her relationship with a PREACHER for a liar like you? Really?!
Really? You guys were rekindling your love for EIGHT MONTHS while you were days from marrying me? Really?!
Really? You couldn’t tell me that you were dating Tina, when you STOOD IN MY HOUSE and told me you were seeing someone “off and on.” Really?!
Really?! She fell for your BS? She thinks you have changed? Or maybe you haven’t told her the whole truth about what you did to me – and who you really are. Really?!
I’m so incredibly angry, in a way that isn’t mature, healthy or attractive. Angry at him, angry at her, angry at the situation, angry at myself for even being angry. Jesus, I was supposed to be over this. Now was the time for acceptance! Damn it – I was the bigger person! Why am I letting him continue to have this power over me? Why am I now, a year after everything happened, finally feeling the anger and resentment for everything he did to me – not just this?
I can’t stop thinking – why was he marrying me in the first place? If he was texting with her for eight months before our wedding, and then the minute we break up, she divorces her husband for him, why did he put me through this past year? Why did he even propose in the first place?
I knew he would move on. But did it have to be with her?
Hello, anger.
**Part of me hesitated to post this for a few reasons. Clearly it’s unflattering. I know he’s allowed to move on, with anyone he wants to move on with. And at the end of the day, I can see through the anger that I do want him to be happy. (Who can blame me if I wanted to be happy first?) I’m fully aware that I need to get over it. And I know that I will get over it. This is just another reminder of how lucky I am that I got out of this relationship before the wedding. And, I’m afraid I give him some power by showing him this bothers me. But you know what? I said I’d be honest here. I’m sharing my journey. And this is part of my journey – no matter how unpleasant or unattractive. And I know that some of you have been through something similar. So, I warily press “Publish” this morning, and look forward to your comments.**
Update: Shortly after posting this morning, my ex called me. Which is interesting considering he claims not to read the blog anymore. He was upset that I wrote about this, and wanted to make it clear that nothing ever happened with him and her while we were together. He asked me to take this post down, saying it was a lie. Well, he’s right about one thing. I have no idea what happened with them. It absolutely could have all been very innocent. To be honest, I hope that is the truth. That would be far more in line with the man I thought I was marrying. I’m just here writing about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I know that the anger will pass, and I will get over this. But I do not wish ill will on Tina or my ex. What I’m concerned about is me, and my healing process. And posting honestly on this blog is part of that. My intention is never to use this blog as a weapon to hurt anyone. I think the people that have been reading for the past year know that to be true.
Trackbacks
- Good Advice Is Only Good When You’re Ready « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
- Loose Ends – August Edition « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
- (Almost) Over You « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
- (Almost) Over You | Musings on Life and Love
- You Only Turn 21 Twice « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
- My Ex is Getting Married « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
- Hello, Anger | College Life- Sex and Relationships
- Living Proof | Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey
Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey 
It sounds like anger has been buidling up inside you for awhile, even though you did not realize it. I am glad that you got it out of your system. Stuffing negative feelings deep down inside is not good for your mental or physical well-being. So what if it took a year for the anger stage to surface. There is no rhyme or reason when it comes to the stages of grief.
Wonderful post. Keep being honest.
Thank you, Michele. I think you are right, this has been building up inside me. It sort of surprised me, really, that I felt so angry. I think this was the sort of the straw that broke the camel’s back. I appreciate your comment 🙂
So let’s just say I happen to have a friend who is going through the same situation, only in your story she happens to play the role as “Tina”. Not that this fact is pushing my feelings one way or the other, but I must say a few things here. It’s one thing for you to roll around in your misery for over a year over something that you should have gotten over long ago, but it’s another completely to bring a mother, children and a whole family you don’t know into the picture. Like you, I was engaged to be married and we ended the relationship prior to the nuptials. We were together 6 years, had a child and still we managed to call it off somewhat peacefully and move on with our lives. I am now happily married and so is he. I do not feel the need to write endless blogs complaining about every wrong he pushed on me or trash his new wife, who I couldn’t care less about. Think about what you are writing. You think that the ex is a liar and is incapable of telling the truth, but yet you post “Tina’s” entire history with the ex publicly as if it’s the truth. Do you know that to be a fact?
I really don’t think this blog is a good idea. Not only for you, as this is just another way of hanging onto whatever pain you may be experiencing; but also for the other girl’s family. You are only seeing your side of this situation. Just consider how you would feel if you recently got divorced, had to take care of your 2 little children and explain that to them, ON TOP OF DEALING WITH A CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND like yourself. Yes, I just pulled that from Miranda Lambert. I’m not trying to make you angry here, I’m trying to help you wake up. This is not healthy. Although your blog states that you are “single girl starting over”, you seem to be in the same place you have always been. Hanging on. You need to leave it alone, leave him alone and move on.
Hi Samantha,
Thanks for your comment and welcome. I think you make many fair points. First of all, let me make it clear that I do not intend at all to hurt to Tina or her family with this. This blog is about my recovery and my journey. I’m just trying to be true to that. And I agree, I wish this didn’t bother me. I wish I didn’t bat an eye when I found this out. I wish that I was as strong as you were when you ended things with your ex. But I’m simply not. I’m still recovering. It’s been a hard year, but this is probably the first post like this if you go through all of my archives. This is not the way I’ve dealt with this breakup at all. So it’s certainly not fair to say “you seem to be in the same place you have always been.” Because that’s simply not true. ALL I’ve done this past year is try to move on. And, I’ve come a far way. I wouldn’t say it is fair to say that I have spent the last year rolling around in my misery. I haven’t done that – one bit. What I’m doing here on this blog is being honest. I could keep this to myself. But that wouldn’t be honest. There are many people out there who are going through something similar. There are many people who have seen their ex with someone else and been upset. It’s just natural and part of this process. Part of me wants to give a voice to those people. Show them that they are not alone – and they are not crazy. So while I know your “crazy ex-girlfriend” comment was not intended to make me angry, I can’t say that I think it’s fair, either. I believe that all of this is a normal response. Sure, I wish I had gotten this angry a little earlier, I mean, it would have been more convenient to feel this way right after I found out everything he did to me. It probably would have made it easier to move on. But life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to.
You are right, I have no idea if this is the truth. I have no qualms saying that. Who knows what really happened? Maybe it was completely innocent. Maybe I’m nuts. Or maybe I’m right. I don’t know. All I know is that this is what I’m feeling, and I’m trying to move on. And frankly, a little bit of healthy anger may be just what I need to move on. Clearly feeling sorry for him for the past year and missing the man I thought he was hasn’t helped. Maybe finally getting pissed is exactly what I need.
Thanks for your comment. I always welcome people who challenge me and make me think about my situation differently.
I think you’re totally off base here, Samantha. I think your own experience is coloring your response to her. She is not some crazy ex-girlfriend in my opinion. She is dealing with the end of a relationship and the hurt she felt. I can’t imagine there are many people out there who would just ignore something like this. She didn’t post “Tina’s” name and address and call her names. She told HER side of the story and was honest about her feelings and struggles. Maybe it’s a better idea to stop reading the blog than to tear someone down.
I agree with Christine, and I think that Samantha understands “Tina’s” situation a little too well maybe? Catherine has every right to be pissed off, and if she chooses to channel that anger into this blog, that’s her choice. “I do not feel the need to write endless blogs complaining about every wrong he pushed on me” – well, then don’t you write a blog. Maybe this isn’t the way you dealt with your situation, but everyone deals with their own situations differently. And the “CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND like yourself” comment is just uncalled for – read another blog then.
To be honest with you, I don’t read this blog. A friend of mine follows Catherine’s blog for whatever reason and showed her newest post to me today… Not that I feel the need to defend myself, as this is publicly posted and some posts deserve the response I gave her. I AM familiar with this post because I can tell you that if I were Tina I would go balistic. I have 2 kids and if my children, my life, my family were being written about in a publicly posted blog, I would not lie down quietly. I think perhaps you should make your blog at least to where it’s only accessible for members of this site. That way your followers who could quite possibly be those you least expect cannot be harmed by your words.
As for Catherine’s response, it was much nicer and realistic than all of you who are supporting her. If I were a true friend to Catherine, and I don’t mean someone who follows her blog because I need support in my own rediculous behavior… I mean a true, sit down, cry and laugh and yell with friend, I would tell her truth. It’s time to let it go. Attack me as you may, I don’t care because I have no connection to Catherine and her relationship mishaps whatsoever, but I can tell you this… You’re supporting her is not going to encourage her to change. Yes, it’s okay to get angry, but get angry already and let it go. It’s not okay to continously confront your ex over things over things that are no longer any of your concern. Whatever it’s going to take to let it go, whatever you have to get rid of, do it. That way both of you can move on and be happy. I am almost positive that 20 years down the road when you look back at this blog you will realize that all this time you could have spent becoming who you want to be, well you spent it in front of the computer writing about someone who clearly doesn’t care for you.
Clearly when you post that Cat posted ‘endless blogs’ about being miserable and holding on…you showed that you hadn’t taken the time to read anything but that one post, so maybe next time you should choose your words wisely, and respect a woman trying to do what she needs to do to move on.
So who asked you Christine. Do normal non-crazy ex girlfriends continue to harp on their past with the ex after 14 months? Constantly bringing him up in blogs and now posting perhaps a little too much information of a personal nature. While I understand using a worldwide blog to record your personal ‘solo’ experiences, today’s post seems to be a bit more towards avengeance than experience. Its good to be angry sometimes, but use good judgement in how u display it. I wish you the best in finally moving on Catherine.
Jim, I think everyone’s experience with a breakup is different. The amount of time it takes to grieve is relative to the relationship. Given that this person (Catherine) was engaged to be married AND spent close to 1/3 of her life with one person warrants a substantial amount of time to grieve. Not sure how much you follow the blog, but this is her journey in getting over this breakup and moving on as a single girl.
Thanks, Jim. I appreciate you wishing me luck, and there’s nothing I can do to change your opinion besides say this has nothing to do with vengeance. It really has to do with me healing. I appreciate your reading, though.
KD, I couldn’t explain this better myself. Especially the 1/3 of my life..that’s such a significant amount of time. You don’t get over it over night. And, to be honest, I’ve felt great for months on end. Sometimes I have set backs, but that is completely normal. Maybe I’m just a bit more honest about it than other people are.
I agree with KD. As for Samantha, it’s very easy to pass judgment on others, but much harder to look at your own behavior. For example, you said you’d go ballistic if you were Tina. Well, to many, that would be an over-reaction — “crazy,” even. Anyone who reads this blog and does not know Catherine in real life has no idea who Tina (or Catherine’s ex) is, and therefore her identity is protected. And, as a married woman, I have to say — if I found out that any woman — especially another married one — were secretly speaking with my husband for 8 months behind my back, I would also be questioning her motives. So I fail to see how Catherine’s reaction is unreasonable.
It’s easy to tell someone else they should move on and get over it. But until you’ve walked precisely in someone else’s shoes, you should maybe consider reserving judgement. And, since you’re a new reader to the blog and don’t understand why your friend follows it, maybe by going back through some of the posts, you’ll see that moving on is exactly what Catherine is trying to do.
Katie, your comment made my heart hurt (in a good way). I am really trying to move on. I’m doing the very best I know, especially never having gone through something like this. This upset me, and I feel like it really would upset most women. But I’m going to overcome this. I am just so happy to have the support of people like you 🙂
THANK YOU for your honest writing Catherine.
I went through a very similar situation and find myself feeling very angry although it’s been almost a year since I found out the truth about my lying and cheating ex.
Reading your blog was so comforting and inspiring and I think you are an example of an honest and strong woman.
I hope that I can find my inner strength to get over this anger as you have.
Thank you so much, Rachel. I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been struggling with. Let me just say I was a year and a half into the breakup when the anger finally hit me. I don’t think there is a set timeline for this process. It just happens when it happens. The only thing we have to do is be responsible for moving ourselves forward and doing things that contribute to our personal happiness. We can’t relish the anger and the sadness, we need to find ways to move above it. I know you will, and I will too 🙂
Dear Samantha,
It sounds as if you do not have a friend “like” Tina but who is Tina, otherwise as another blogger has already stated, you would not know who Catherine’s ex-fiancé is or who the woman she speaks of is. As a writer, Catherine has respected more than she needed to, the privacy of her ex and has gone above and beyond to ensure anonymity of the “characters” in her blog. I would like to congratulate you and your ex on being able to move on “somewhat peacefully.” Considering you are both now married I do assume it has been more than a year since your break up so you have had time to heal. Why does Catherine not deserve the same right to heal that you and every other person who has gone through a break up and moved on has had??? As far as the blog being a bad idea, WordPress is filled with bloggers who find it therapeutic to write through their experiences. It is an outlet to process feelings in an open forum. Catherine’s feelings in this situation are completely justified and I am glad she is finally getting her anger out. Shame on you Samantha for trying to imply that Catherine does not deserve to properly move through the stages of grief and that she has been anything less than respectful of the “innocent.”
Mysterious Upstairs Neighbor,
Have I told you… lately…that I love you? I love that you always have my back. I’m so lucky to have you in my life – whether I’m angry, right, wrong, whatever… I’ve never had as big of a supporter as I have in you. THANK YOU! 🙂
The focus here should be not on the girl ‘tina’ here as she is happy now that she has everything ( a romantic love story, marring her chilhood sweetheart and everything), she is very lucky.
Itis you Samantha, who is thinking only about ‘tina’, being one sided. And you are not helping at all here.
Catherine dear, what you are going through is very hard, and indeed you are putting up with it strongly. I pray that you get married soon with a much better man than this ex. Take care
Thank you, livinganunbearablepain. I appreciate your kind words and your commenting. I hope I find someone amazing too, that will make all of this worth it. I believe I will.
Wait, wait… Catherine, you’re allowed to be pissed the hell off and it doesn’t matter one bit if he’s allowed to be happy or not. He mistreated you, and that’s all that matters about how you feel. Screw trying to rationalize it for his sake. He doesn’t deserve that awesomeness from you. It took me a long time and some encouragement (thanks to you I might add), but I finally was able to just be angry and not worry about how it makes me look. Be angry, be pissed, but be what you want and don’t worry about his sorry ass.
Thank you, Zak! I agree with you – I’m allowed to feel however I want to feel. Regardless of what he thinks, and what any random readers who don’t even know me think. I’m angry and I’m honest about it. I don’t plan to stay angry forever, and I’m working on moving on. I’m glad that my honesty has been able to help you too 🙂
I enjoyed your candid post! Everyone gets angry and I think it is refreshing to hear.
Thank you Danielle. I’ve learned a lot of my honesty from your blog – you inspire me 🙂
Don’t worry about flattering, lady. Honesty wins every time. If it’s any consolation, I’d be feeling pretty angry, too. The light in this crap tunnel? You should feel EXACTLY RIGHT in the decision you made not to marry him. Proof is in the pudding… or texts….or ass-hole-ish behavior.
Tori,
I really appreciate it. I love the phrase “the light in this crap tunnel” because it is SO TRUE. You are right – this is a good reminder how much better off I am. I’ll be okay. Even just writing about this, getting it out there, and reading all your supportive comments, have made me feel much better. Thank you so much for your support 🙂
I think it’s natural to react like that. Especially since you two were together for 7 years, and it hasn’t even been a year.
When I saw my ex for the first time (about 2 years later), he was with new wife (they’d gotten married that weekend, I later found out). I ignored him. It felt good. But I felt sorry for his new wife.
thoughtsappear,
Thanks. I can imagine that ignoring him must have felt amazing. Minor correction, for honesty’s sake, it has been more than a year (about two months) since we broke up, and next month we are coming up on one year of what would have been our wedding day. The thing is, if all you’ve ever read from my blog was this post, you would think I wasn’t over it. But really, I’ve come a really long way. I have recovered greatly. So what if I have setbacks. It makes me human and I’m glad that I can say I was honest through this process – even if it was unflattering at times. Thanks again for your comment.
“So what if I have setbacks. It makes me human…” Exactly. Gosh, I was angry with my ex for quite awhile. It would flair up and then disappear. Yes, eventually it disappeared for good, but you can’t put an exact time line on that. It’s different for each individual. Time heals all wounds, but how long depends on how deep that wound is. Just don’t let it get infected…LOL…
Duly noted, Nancy 🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. There is no timeline for this that we all have to follow. No one knows what this is like unless they’ve been through it themselves.
like you said, we go through all the steps, but not necessarily in the order that they’re usually listed. Since you’ve experienced the other steps, finally really feeling and expressing your anger is actually, progress. Maybe this is one of the last hurdles to finally reach true acceptance.
I think so many of us are told to not be emotional, to remain “ok” at all times, that it can become hard sometimes to fully express your emotions. But by doing so you acknowledge them and accept them, which is part of overall acceptance.
I haven’t posted before but I’ve been following your blog for the past year, and I find you very inspiring. You’re a great person, but more importantly, you’re real and authentic.
LS – my thoughts exactly. I’m really wondering if this anger is exactly what I needed to get over this. I couldn’t go on thinking 100% fondly of him forever, especially when he didn’t deserve my 100% fondness. I think some people get shocked by posts like this because so many people feel this way, but not everyone is honest about it. I’m honest to a fault. Even if it’s unflattering. I’m just sharing here. So maybe it’s shocking to see someone be so open with their emotions – I would imagine most people hide this side of themselves. I so much appreciate your kind words and that you follow the blog. It means a lot to me, and today was a great day to speak up 🙂
Think about what was said. The things that were said were about how unattractive she had gotten, no intrest in her, Could never be with her. Those are not attacks. Those are an engaged mans words trying to bury skeletons. He have to answer Her when she looks at him and says did you really say those things about me? Its not your fault. He could have said Catherine I loved her at one point but Your all that matters instead he chose to lie. I say deal with it. have a good day.
Thanks JR, I really appreciate your thoughts 🙂
As you yourself said…there’s no formula for the five stages of grief…this was you last straw..the culmination of all that he’d done…and you have every right in the world to feel however you feel about it. “bigger person” be damned. There’s nothing wrong with being angry…you’re not wishing him ill..you’re just being true to yourself and your emotions. It’s healthy…embrace it.
Thanks, Melissa. You are so right – I don’t wish ill will on either one of them. This just really hurt me. Caught me off guard. Made me really angry. But that doesn’t mean I hope anything bad happens to either one of them, hell I don’t even wish they aren’t happy together. Ultimately, I want him to be happy. Whether it’s with her or someone else. This just hurt me very much – and it was sort of a last straw. I appreciate your thoughts.
Sounds like you are quite the strong individual and have made the best decision for you. I say good for you! Some people don’t have the courage to do that and end up being stuck in a horrible situation for who knows how long. It is completely normal to have all the feelings you have. Anytime something bothers me this much whether it be a man or something else in my life I exercise. Running consistently makes me feel empowered. Turn on that power song and get pumped! After the exercise an adult beverage makes me feel content. CHEERS =)
habituallearner,
Thanks for the tip. Exercise definitely wouldn’t hurt matters… 🙂 Anything you can do to feel like you are taking charge of your life is beneficial. Appreciate your comment.
Catherine, you have every right to be angry especially since the person he is dating is Tina. It is tuff either way but the fact that he chose Tina to date is even worse and almost unforgiving. I can sympathize with you because a similar situation happened between my parents. I have learned that these types of situations are incomparable to other situations that are similar. Major boundaries have been crossed. However, you seem like a strong person and this too shall pass. Be angry and process your feelings and don’t feel guilty for it. God won’t give you what you can’t handle…..
GS,
You are exactly right. I know I can handle this. I’ve handled much more. I hope that I didn’t put too much emphasis on this issue by writing about it becuase I KNOW I am going to be OK. This anger, and this situation, will not overcome me. Even just writing about it has helped me move on. You are so right – not only does God not give us more than we can handle, I would even think he does things to challenge us and make us strive for better.
God doesn’t give us what we cant handle? Tell that to those who went through the nazi death camps and didn’t or couldn’t make it through. Rape victims, especially war rape victims, often kill themselves. Suicides couldn’t handle it and didn’t. what are u on about?? Challenges can make us stronger and sometimes they can take us down, depending on their severity. if god is the one who gives these things to us, then sometimes he is a killer.
If anything, it seems as though you’ve dealt with this entire situation in a more than healthy way. You’ve never posted anything slanderous about your ex, specifically regarding his actions or the situation (when you so easily could have, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who wishes you did, hehe). You’ve chosen to focus on yourself and your healing and there is no reason you can’t do that in this place you’ve created. I have to agree with a number of commenters that ‘Samantha’ is a more than a little off-base. This blog is about you and your journey, and that’s not for anyone else to decide. Kudos to you for being so unbelievably classy with your reply!
twentysomething,
Thank you for saying that. I have tried really hard not to make this blog a weapon against my ex or anyone else. I appreciate the comments where people have questioned that, because it keeps me on my toes to be mindful of my audience and the power having an outlet such as this blog provides. I don’t feel like I wrote about this to slander my ex or his new girlfriend. I wrote about this to share my story for those out there going through something similar. I can’t just share the rosy information and I act all self-righteous and healed without sharing all of my journey. I am focusing on myself. This is part of my story. And I refuse to take blame for talking about things that were done to me… that’s almost like saying they were my fault. They were not my fault. All I can own is my reaction. And right now my reaction is anger. I will survive the anger and I know I’ll come out better for it. I appreciate your comment and your support 🙂
There would be no reason to write about a journey if you left out some of the most challenging parts of it. I subscribed to your blog because I too know the feeling of heartache, and it helps me to heel and feel a little less crazy to hear about others going through similar experiences. Great post, and I’m glad you added in the piece about not necessarily feeling the five stages in order. I think it’s absolutely true that we each grieve differently and even in different ways depending on our losses. Keep up the honest writing! It helps us to remember that we’re all human.
livebyladybugs,
You said this so well… “There would be no reason to write about a journey if you left out some of the most challenging parts of it.” Exactly. That’s what I’ve been trying to say here. It wouldn’t be honest, and it wouldn’t be fair to my readers, if I only talked about my triumphs and happy times. And it wouldn’t be fair to people who are going through something similar and look to me, and my blog, for someone to identify with. That would just make them feel like something is wrong with them… when there isn’t! Thank you so much for reading and for supporting me.
I am right there with you, Catherine. After the love of my life abruptly left me just before Thanksgiving to “be alone”, he was dating someone about whom I’d always been a bit suspicious (the only person of whom I’d been a bit suspicious) within 8 weeks. Within 3 months, they were livign together. He says the relationship “took him by surprise”. Right. After 8 months, I am finally moving through all the stages, though they all come and go still in no particular sequence, just with less intensity. I can’t post a blog such as you did on my own site out of some misguided loyalty to him, as the recpercussions of our relationship are still terrorizing his life, but I am proud of YOU for doing so.
Seasweetie,
Ugh, that is the worst. Why in the world would someone lie and say they want to “be alone” and then end up with someone else within three months!! Just be honest! I don’t understand how people can be so callous. I would have terrible guilt over something like that. I’m really sorry to hear that you had to go through that. Thanks so much for commenting and sharing your perspective 🙂
Catherine, minus specifics, I could have written this post (though not as well as you :))
Just wanted to say that while your honesty may be a shock to some, I am glad you are so candid. So many men and women deal with this hurt, this anger, this residual feeling of betrayal. Thanks for writing about it, for acknowledging that it happens and can sneak up on your at any time.
I love the ‘REALLY’ section. So true! I had many of those realizations. I had my own journal entry of ‘FACT’. ‘FACT – you hooked up with me and then two days later told me you were official with someone else.’ ‘FACT – you….’ It helped me to see that I was, in fact, validated for feeling angry.
KD,
i think you hit the nail on the head here – my honesty is shocking. I don’t think a lot of people admit to these feellings – it’s too embarassing and it makes you very vulnerable. Sometimes, I wonder if I should…. but then I see such wonderful comments on this blog and I’m happy that I’m able to share my inner most thoughts with all of you.
I love your FACT journal entry! What a great way to chronicle the facts of what happened. I’m sure it did make you feel validated! I wrote a post recently (that I never published, not sure if I ever will) that was “Truth is:” It was a little similar to what you’ve done with your FACT journal entry – only I was going through and detailing exactly how I felt about the break up. It was very helpful in sorting out my feelings, because a phrase like “the truth is” forces you to be completely, embarassingly honest. Again, not sure I’ll ever post it… it’s… a lot. But worth writing.
what most psychologists omit from the flow of grief (denial, anger, etc) is SHOCK. shock comes first and it is shock that one slowly thaws from via the grief process. that’s why it takes a long time. we are talking post-trauma here. if you really want to move on and recover (if you are finding it very difficult), IMO it is best to deal with shock and trauma, which often doesn’t actually stem from him or the breakup, but from distant personal history, emotional baggage if you will, that has been brought into your relationships. i feel that you are not focusing in the right place. it’s not about your ex, but rather about what happened to you before you met him. that will be playing out in your choices and relationships and may be the root cause of who you have been choosing as a partner. when i shifted my focus from my partner to my relationship with my parents and my early home life, i could clearly see that it had a profound impact on me and was the real cause of my grief, not her. she was just a way to cope with that baggage. being honest.
Wow Catherine I think this in one of the best blogs yet but it seems alot of others have lost site of what you are doing. Not sure who Samantha is but it does sound as if she is posting her own resentment here and has no idea of your life. The others are right you did not post “Tina’s” real name nor have you done anything to harm her children. I believe that blame would fall to her, she is the one who was married and sought out “advice/help” from her “former love”. A marriage is meant for that person to be able to turn to there spouse to work things out; alot of people forget that. No marriage is perfect and you have to work at it everyday, but with the right balance it can work out, each person just has to pull there share and really work on it. What “Tina” did is a disaster waiting to happen if you ask me. Don’t let others get you off track of what you are doing her and keep up the good work. I am very happy with your blogs and to those who disagree I say don’t read it !!!!
Kelly,
Thanks so much! Your support means so much to me :). I told you that this weekend, but I’ll tell you again! I think you are right – it’s bad news to have any secret relationship, even if it’s innocent (in a sexual way). A secret relationship is just that – a secret. And you shouldn’t keep secrets from your partner or do things like this behind their backs. I think it’s just asking for trouble. Like I said, who knows what really happened. I have my suspicions, I’ll never know for sure, but honestly, finally getting angry about this is going to help me move on – I just know it. Thanks for everything!
Catherine, in a way, you´ve been really lucky. Just imagine you would marry man of your dreams ending up like the man of all our nightmares. Maybe your ex should also start a blog, if he wants to show his side of story, but I think all frequent readers know quite well, you are way to kind and forgiving. Under non-Tina circumstances.
After her ex called her, I suggested to her to offer him a ‘Simply Solo’ Guest spot – if he has something to say – say it.
LOL, Natasha. And as I told you… that’s a little too Jerry Springer for me. Next thing we’ll be doing some sort of paternity test. Haha 🙂 Love you!
Thanks, Anna. I really am trying not to use this blog as a weapon of any kind. I’m aware that it’s a little unfair that I have this outlet whereas he doesn’t…but you are right, he could start a blog. 🙂 Until then, I will do my best to be fair. Even when pissed 🙂
Hey! I am one of those new readers from freshly pressed! I know all about the 5 stages, but unlike you, anger was my first one. I got out of a really incredibly unhealthy relationship about 6 months ago and in the beginning I was PISSED and I mean PISSED {{the not mature way}} for months. Whenever I heard his stupid name I got pissed, whenever he texted me, “hey,” just to remind me he was 10 minutes away I got pissed. And I probably should not have been so angry for so long, but getting pissed and being angry about all the BS stupid jerk offs put us through… it helps. I am sure writing all of this helped too! I love your blog!
Katellyngarlow,
I love this “whenever I heard his stupid name I got pissed” – made me laugh out loud. So honest – and I’ve been feeling that way too! I got a friend request on FB from a mutual friend of mine/Tina’s this week, and Tina was all over his page commenting on his posts. I got so annoyed and pissed off that I had to hide the new friend, just so I wouldn’t see Tina’s face when I went on Facebook. LOL 🙂 I’ll get over it, I’m sure. Just not there yet. Thanks for reading!
For almost a year after finding out about my husband’s very short affair with an ex-girl friend from high school, I went through the other stages of grief, but never anger. I had even mentioned in counseling that it worried me a little that I had never been angry…and then, just when I thought I was completely healed, and my life was back to normal, I started bursting into tears at random intervals. It turns out that I wasn’t sad, I was suffering from deeply buried ANGER!!! As it turns out, I needed to heal quite a bit before I was ready to deal with the anger or something ugly might have happened. Healing takes as long as it takes.
On another note, after 20 months of work to put a marriage back together, reading books and articles and more books and more articles, and blogs written by the cheated on, the cheater, and the cheated with, I assure you that you in no way qualify as a crazy ex-girlfriend…and actually you are not even an ex-girlfriend, you are the ex-fiancee, a woman who had invested 7 years in a relationship and had committed to making it permanent. Healthy recovery from this emotional investment should not take place over night. Samantha’s comment seems much more like she is actually the “friend who is going through the same situation” as Tina, rather than the cheated on fiancee who called off the wedding, since her comment is more venomous than empathetic.
Hi Robin,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Something you said really resonated with me: “As it turns out, I needed to heal quite a bit before I was ready to deal with the anger or something ugly might have happened. Healing takes as long as it takes.” That’s such a good point – maybe there is an up side to this anger coming so late in the game. Who knows what I would have done with this anger if it came alongside the hurt and shock and all of that which I experienced immediately after the breakup. I might have done something really crazy… crazier that a pissed off blog post anyway!
Appreciate your comment and your reading 🙂
But I also agree with Samantha in one part: I think this blog after a whole year stopped being healthy. Between the lines I can sense it´s your own burden, it´s stopping you from REALLY moving on…Maybe it´s not time to let go just yet, maybe your healing process needs some time. But then, you should know time when to end.
Thanks, Anna. I appreciate your support, your comments and your reading the blog. But, I have to disagree, maybe I’m biased, but this blog helps me a lot. It’s an outlet for me. And most of the posts are nothing like this. Many of them are just generally about my life – learning to parallel park, my dad being sick, my uncle dying, making new friends, celebrating St. Patrick’s day, etc etc etc. You are right in that I don’t want to have some burden to only write about him and our breakup – but I don’t feel like I have that burden at all. Slowly, I’m transitioning to posts just about me and my life. The only burden I’ve really felt is a burden to write about dating/relationships. But I’m definitely working on that. NOW – if this blog one year from now is solely crap like this, then I seriously have a problem 🙂
Catherine,
I stumbled across your blog a few days ago – and honestly, it is so completely liberating to read. I am 20 and I feel like I wasted the past 2 years (which happen to be my first 2 years at the University of Georgia) on some complete asshole. I know our situations are nothing the same, but I felt like I could have easily been you in 5 years. Luckily and thankfully, I saw the red flags way too early – and had to cut it off this past February.
You have every right to be mad. I don’t know the situation exactly, but you broke it off for a reason. Obviously it wasn’t right or good for you. There is a reason that you two aren’t together – no matter who ever or what ever it may be. I believe you have a right to vent as much as you want – this is YOUR blog. I find it very liberating to see how you handle situations that can help me better my own situation. (I mean, who really “likes” your ex’s new girlfriend? Who in their right mind could have good things to say??)
My ex started dating again, too. However, I had heard he was dating (which made me create this beautiful woman with a perfectly body who is a “sweetheart” everyone, etc) and one week later I found out who. I was in class on Facebook (whoops) and literally laughed out loud. (I guess I am a little smug, too) However, it kind of hit me and got upset the next day. I kept asking myself, “How is she better than me? Is she prettier?” Etc. I then realized that this girl is no comparison to me. We are two totally different people with two totally different lives (I am going places 😉 and honestly, she is a better fit for him. She never wants to leave our little podunk town we were raised- and I got the hell out as soon as I could. (That was the main “reason” of our split).
Sorry for the little rant, but I just want you to realize that you really are making a difference in how I view my experiences. Reading your past posts help me to laugh a little at the situation and makes me feel A LOT better.
I can tell you are a strong, independent individual and you inspire me to be as courageous and brave as you are. Please don’t stop posting honesty – you are just keeping it real for all of us who are experiencing similar situations! 🙂
Hi Lena,
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and telling your story! I am so happy that you got away from the relationship you described. It sounds like you made some really good decisions. I totally know what you mean about how you felt when you saw his new girlfriend – I guess we always so expect that the next girl will be as attractive, if not more, than we are, or maybe be better than us…and to be completely honest, it feels a little good to be like “Nope. I’m prettier. And smarter. He totally traded down.” Even if just helps us move on and bulid our own self esteem, I think this is the better situation than feeling like he found someone better! And, you are so young, and have so much of your life ahead of you. You have so much time to enjoy single life, and to also find someone that is just right for you. It seems like you know that too. I’m glad you have enjoyed this blog so far, and hope you stick around! Keep me updated on how things are going for you!
I love it! Go get um Catherine!! A cheater will always be cheater… now let it all go and hold your head up! You had to find your reason/meaning/courage to let go, and here it is… He found his reason about a year and a half ago to let go… And remember, all the “Tina’s” and “Tom’s” out there will never see that they themselves (and the other cheater) created the situation…… as far as not posting this in your blog cause they have children, family, etc…. blaaaahhaaaa!!! And the fact that your ex wanted you to remove it, only makes the anger sweeter for you, I am sure…
Haha, Susan. I do hope this will be my “reason/meaning/courage to let go” as you have said, and time will tell. I am feeling much more ready to move on now that I know he has…. especially with her. The best revenge is living well, right? And that’s all I can do from here on out. Thanks for your comment.
Agreed Susan, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the bloody crime. Hurt inflicted to any family members was done by the cheaters themselves. They pretty much had it coming.
Gurrrrl,
You are entitled to feel whatever you need to, whenever you need to. You have been more than fair in this and you are also entitled to write about your feelings. My blog is a complete open book and sometimes I fear that I overshare. But every time I think that, someone else writes to tell me how much they appreciate it, how it’s inspired them or how much they can relate. I APPRECIATE this blog and I APPRECIATE your courage. You’re not using this woman’s name, you’re hurting no one. And you are sooooo not a crazy ex-girlfriend. When those people get cheated on, or finally understand how it feels to have someone break-up with you (especially after how long you guys were together), only then will they (maybe even) be able to understand. I, too, played the part of bigger person and ‘Who do I want to be?” It’s been a year since my break-up and only a month since my ex called me crying about his new fiance ‘We went to look for houses today and this is hard. I always thought it’d be us.” Again, I have my days I don’t care, my days of anger (you’re calling ME!? REALLY!? NOOOOW!!!???), my days of desperate neediness where I buy into the love my ex still has for me that keeps me hanging on and then, my friend… I have my days I soar. Where he’s not even remotely in the picture because I’ve been doing so much with my own life, going on my own adventures, etc. that he IS in the past. And that is DEFINITELY what I hope and pray for you as much as for myself.
Stay true to you. Feel everything you need to IN YOUR TIME. It’s amazing the miracles you’ll experience in the process… When you’re ready, you will move on in a HEALTHY way.
AND ANY PERSON (OR ROBOT PEOPLE THAT HAVE NO FEELINGS?) THAT DOESN’T LIKE THIS BLOG CAN STOP READING IT? lol For realz, just takes a click, folks.
You’re a kindred spirit. I’ll keep you in my prayers and in my spirit as we continue on our journeys. You’re beautiful!!!
Love,
Mandi
Hi Mandi,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this comment. God, you are like an angel from heaven here to make me feel better and not so alone 🙂 You have put so much of this so beautifully…. “I have my days I soar. Where he’s not even remotely in the picture because I’ve been doing so much with my own life, going on my own adventures, etc., that he IS the past.” I feel the exactly same way – but there’s no way I could have stated it so well. I get stuck in this cycle where I don’t properly recognize myself for how far I’ve come, for the good days/weeks where I barely even think of him, and I just focus on the sad or mad days that creep up on me. Whenever I feel this way, I’m going to reread your comment. I so appreciate your support.
So many things I want to say…
First off, no one can judge the way you handle the situation. At all. Ever. Everyone handles things in their own way. I also had a broken engagement, and I can gaurantee you I wasn’t over it in a year and two months. It’s like a death in some ways, I don’t know if you ever “get over it”, but instead you learn how to handle it, the shock of the situation wears off, and you move on.
Also, I read and reread the post and never saw one place where you wrote anything slanderous about “TIna”. You wrote what happened. I’m not sure how that makes you the “Crazy Ex-Girfriend”.
I admire your honesty and courage. That is what makes you a good writer. I really enjoy your blog!
Coree,
Thank you so much! It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has gone hrough a broken engagement and wasn’t 100% over it a year ago. “You learn how to handle it, the shock of the situation wears off, and you move on.” Exactly. I have learned so much in the past year how to handle my own emotions and how to make myself happy … and I’m quite proud of that, if I do say so myself. I appreciate your comment 🙂
Hell, it would have pissed me off if I found out that my ex was dating an old girlfriend he claimed he didn’t have feelings for. And you know what, I would have been pissed even if it were 5 years later!
Like you said “Part of me wants to give a voice to those people. Show them that they are not alone – and they are not crazy.” This is why people write blogs about love, relationships and life, so that everyone else who has experienced it, or may experience it in the future, know that they are not alone.
Thank you for writing this post.
Thanks amanalynn. I agree, I think part of me would still be upset 5 years from now. It’s upsetting. It sucks. It’s probably just another lie he told me. But, it probably hurts more because it was so recent. (And you know what – I’ve come to the decision that it is recent. Sure, it’s been a year. We were together seven. My entire adult life. So when you think of it like that, damn it, it’s recent enough. And I’m not going to let anyone make me think it was soooo loooong ago. Whatever.)
Thanks for understanding 🙂
Rather than being specific to this post, I just wanted to comment and say that your blog has made such a difference for me over the past 6 months! We’ve talked via email, but since there are people posting on here about the fact that you shouldn’t be writing about this stuff anymore, I thought I would comment this time.
When my fiance and I called off our wedding after 4 years together (and only 3 weeks before our wedding day), I felt like I had nowhere to turn for unbiased advice, support, or someone who really understood. Then, a friend sent me a link to this blog, and it made all the difference. Even though our situations were not the same, I could see that in 1 month, 2 months, and 6 months time, I would already be healing. So, I really just wanted to say that you should post whatever you want, because reading your posts about your experiences has helped me (and probably countless others) know that I will be okay. And whether you are posting about parallel parking or residual anger, it shows me that life goes on, and whether your day is good or bad, life is what you make of it. So, thank you!!!
Amanda,
Wow. Thank you so much for your comment. As you can imagine, a few of these comments got to me… and made me question what I’m doing here. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Your comment is exactly why I write this blog week after week. I am so happy that this blog has helped you, even in a small way. I appreciated your emailing me, and I was happy to help however I could (write me any time!!). And, honestly, hearing from other “almost-brides” makes me feel not so alone in this world as well. So thank you 🙂 I appreciate that you have shared your story with me and that you take the time to read mine.
I am right there with you…my ex and I firmly ended things in January. When he was leaving I told him I knew he was going to be with this one girl in particular…he swore that she had nothing to do with him leaving. So 2-3 months later she has posted pictures of them on FB (#1 reason I HATE FB and love it at the same time) so I asked him what the deal was with her. He told me she was his “girlfriend”. My response…Really, I swore you were not interested in having a girlfriend now. It pissed me off at first…until I sat down and took a deep breath and realized it is his loss not mine…I am totally good and I know I deserve someone better…not a JACKASS who finds it too easy to walk out on his girlfriend of 7+ years and our 2 girls.
Anger does come whenever it wants…at least we are healing. 🙂
my0wneyes,
Wow…that really sucks. I honestly don’t understand why these people can’t be honest. Do they think we won’t find out? i mean, if it’s over, it’s over. Don’t leave me here to find out more lies you told me a year later. Just tell me – show me that much respect. These experiences have taught me much better how to treat people, I think….and what I absolutely will not do to another human being, no matter how much more convenient it may be. I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through…. healing, we are, it just takes time. Thanks for sharing.
It can take time for the anger to come…and most of the time anger comes and goes…it can happen the next day it can happen 1 year and 2 months later. But as long as you get it out however you please. If blogging is a way then do it. I have this ex that I was with for almost 10 years. I moved, I’m happily married for almost 5 years now. But then one day my friend calls me up (who recently split with her boyfriend) and said that so and so was trying to talk to her and wanted to ‘hang out’ with her. Even after I am over him and he isn’t part of my life. I felt really upset about it. I love my husband to pieces and wouldn’t take my ex back, but I just felt, ugh inside. I’m sure most of it could have been cause it was one of MY friends he was hitting on. But the anger came back out. Don’t keep it inside. It will just eat you up and come out at the most unappriopate times. Hope things get better for you. Which I know they will. Thanks for sharing. :0)
Jsh,
Thanks for sharing your story too! When you care about someone, even years later, stuff like this can hurt. I think I would have been bothered in your situation too. I guess the key is just to make sure it doesn’t consume us and we are able to move past it.
I think you’re right to post this here – this is what your blog is all about. The anger will go away, been there too – you’ll find anger is one of the most exhausting of the grieving processes – but at the end of it, the least important.
AWildDog,
Thanks for your advice. Anger certainly is exhausting…it wears you down to be angry at someone (especially when it’s a year late and you obviously can’t take it out on them). I’m working through it, and I know I’ll be alright. I appreciate your comment.
Unfortunately anger and grief don’t have expiry dates. I’m a well-adjusted, highly functioning human being, but I still have moments of regret and anger about a relationship that ended three years ago. You know yourself better than any reader of your blog, so only you can decide whether the blog is helpful or harmful to your healing process. I personally hope that it’s helping, as I’ve been enjoying reading it!
Thanks, Solitary Diner. it’s good to hear that I’m not along iwth having some resentment/anger sneak up a year or more later. I do think this blog helps, it’s become a huge part of my healing. I’m glad you enjoy reading it because I love writing it! Thanks for your comment!
I haven’t read through the other comments, so I’m sorry if this is redundant. But Catherine, I want to say this: While your anger may not feel mature or attractive, it is — and I’m almost positive about this — absolutely healthy. I mean, FINALLY, lady! There it is. And as much as you might hate it, it’s something that has needed to happen in order for you to move on.
Eventually you’ll come to realize that it doesn’t really matter how much their relationship had evolved while the two of you were together, because you officially will have moved on. But for right now, it’s understandable that this hurts. Deception — especially from someone who supposedly loves you — would not be easy to bear.
That said, I think maybe I can try to answer your question about why he would continue his relationship with you while he was exploring feelings for other women. My guess is that your ex really did love you. And, if he were to admit that he wasn’t really ready to get married or wasn’t sure you were “the one,” he knew he’d be breaking the heart of someone he loved. Combine that with a bit of selfishness and fear, and you see what happened. Once the emotional (and/or physical?) cheating evolved, it became impossible for him to come clean because the deception had already gone way too far. Even worse than hurting you, this whole thing would make him look very, very bad.
So. Be angry. It sucks. But, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, eventually you’ll be able to move on to the whole “send him some love and light every time you think of him, then drop it” (ala “Eat, Pray, Love”) phase of your feelings towards him. And I have no doubt you’ll get there eventually, because, whether you fully realize it or not, you really are doing everything you can to heal.
Much love,
Katie
Love this. Thanks Katie.
Thanks again, Katie. I just replied to your other comment, and I have to say, both of your comments really touched me and made me feel so much better. Your support, even having never met you, means so much to me. I mean, I can remember when you first started commenting on my blog last summer. You have never given me a free pass, and have always said just what you think (whether I like it or not! haha). I really respect that. It means a lot to me that I can turn to you for support/advice/thoughts/whatever. I think some of what you said is probably right…. I have to believe he loved me. It’s hard to believe it sometimes when stuff like this sneaks up on me, but in those moments and those years we were together, I believed in his love. Maybe he didn’t love me enough, or else he wouldn’t have done the things he did, or maybe it did just get out of hand. I don’t know. But I do look forward to a day that I feel completely at peace with what happened, I believe what I believe, and I’m able to comfortably move on. And to be honest, I don’t think I’m all that far from that day. I see glimpses of each each and every day.
Let it out, blog it out, punch it out, do what you have to do. Don’t store the anger in order to be the bigger person, now that it’s surfaced, you have an opportunity to let it manifest. That is healthier, I believe, than letting it fester. We’re here for you, either way.
And, if he’s still reading your blog and feels he has even a sliver of a right to influence whether content gets published or not, he has some issues and needs therapy. And a good slap across the face.
Thanks, Larissa 🙂 I do feel much better even now that I’ve gotten some of this out – and acknowledged it! For so long I have been trying to be bigger than any anger, and now it’s just here. I’m not fighting it anymore, and strangely, that feels healthy.
Wow, what a crappy thing to have to find out! I’m sorry to hear that you got hit with this and I think it’s completely understandable that you’re angry about it. Sure, it sucks not to be able to control whether you’re completely healed from something or not (I struggled with that lack of control after my first big break-up) but I believe that letting it out is better than trying to pretend, to yourself or anyone else, that you’re totally cool with it.
Not that it’s any of my business, but I think that now could be a useful time for your ex to tell you anything else that might one day come out in the wash, if there is anything else, so that there are no more shocks waiting in the wings. Just a thought that occurred to me – not sure if it sounds appropriate or not.
I read some of the early comments on this post and was surprised to see a comment like Samantha’s on your blog. Not only has she not read the rest of your blog but I’m not sure she’s read many dating blogs – I could point her to some angry ones! I think your blog in general is very low on anger and high on introspection and brave personal posts like this one. (And I thought it was great that your response to her rather aggressive comment started with “Thanks for your comment and welcome”!)
Thank you so much Matt! I have to tell you, I’ve felt the same way. I really wish he could just give me some kind of download of everything I need to know, that way I won’t be blind sighted again. In fact, I wish he would have just come clean when we broke up – I had moved out, and still wasn’t 100% ready to give up the relationship, and continued to find out about more and more lies he told me (even after he swore I knew everything, more kept coming out). It’s just a little frustrating, because I wonder, when will it all end? When will I stop finding out things that make me doubt him and what we had? This whole thing really did remind me of how much trust I lost for him – I just can’t force myself to believe this stuff with Tina was innocent. And part of that makes me sad for me – I’m afraid I’ll take this to my next relationship. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to really know what my relationship with him really was… it will always be this gray area.
Anyway, thanks for what you said about my blog. And there are certainly some mean-spirited and angry blogs out there, and I never would put myself in that category. It makes me so happy to hear you agree 🙂
Hi,
After reading your blog entry today the first word that came to mind was “wow.”
You are much stronger than you think. I think its great that you choose to use words and this blog as a sort of therapy to sort through and process your thoughts. And all the while you are opening up your wounds in a way that is kind, gentle, respectful and raw to yourself and the people you are connected to both virtual and real.
I commend you for sticking to your post after the request from the ex. I support you as it was the right thing to do..for you and you did it without malice intent,
We all have stupid crap in our lives. Glad to hear you are acknowledging the feelings you are having as real and authentic as they are, even if it does not see to be well placed.
And all the while, we all will be here to support you.
Just breathe. You are stronger than you think…really!
Take Care
Thank you, Shades of Matter. Everybody needs a good pep talk sometimes, and your comment hit the spot. I will remind myself that I’m stronger than I think… I am pretty hard on myself sometimes. I really appreciate your reading and commenting.
I’m new to you, so will have to read some more of your old blogs to enjoy more of your sense of humor. It’s too bad you had to go through such crap, in order to have entertaining things to write about. It’s totally cool that you vent about the cheater you almost married, and about the preacher’s cheating wife that was having verbal foreplay with your ex for 8 months. (Deleting phone or email evidence=cheating; no ifs, ands, or buts, no gray area) (Hey, that has a ring to it: Deleting = Cheating) Oh, and “Hating-being-lied-to” doesn’t equal “being-a-crazy-ex-girlfriend”.
Anyway, I hope you find a good guy soon if you haven’t already, and have to resort to writing about other things that piss you off, for our entertainment.
LOL, love deleting=cheating. I don’t agree 100% … but I will say, deleting=inappropriate and omitting the truth is a lie. BUT it doesn’t have the same ring as your deleting=cheating. Haha 🙂
I would LOVE to write a post about general things that piss me off….thanks for the inspiration. And thanks for reading and commenting 🙂
I just want to say thank you for this blog. I came across it by accident and I’m so glad I did! I am getting ready to embark on the oh-so-fun journey of divorce, and it is great to feel like I’m not alone in my grief/craziness/etc.
Best of luck on your journey 🙂
undertheabaya,
Thank YOU for stopping by and reading! I’m sorry to hear all you’ve been going through, and I really do wish you the best of luck. I look forward to reading more of your journey as well 🙂
Ohhh my god. I’m so sorry. Get as livid as you need to. What a dick.
Thanks. I’m pretty mad… but will get over it. Just need a lil time!
Thank you so much for this. I’ve read every single post on this blog since you started it, but this is the first time I’ve ever felt like I just HAD to comment or I would burst.
Two years ago marked the last ending of a three-year long relationship of lies, drama, cheating, etc. I say the “last” ending because he (let’s call him “R”) broke up with me more times than I care to count, but this time marked the true end of that relationship, and my choice to finally move on. It was at this point that I started dating my current boyfriend; we have an amazing, drama-free relationship, which I had never imagined was possible after what I had been through with R.
For the last two years, I was completely convinced that I, too, had skipped the “anger” stage after our last breakup. I didn’t have to really take much time to “get over it” because, in my mind, he had already broken up with me so many times that I had done all of that already. Then, about a month ago, I found out from a friend of mine that about 3 years ago (and while R and I were still dating) he had slept with my “best friend” behind my back. This “friend” and I have not spoken since it happened, but for a reason that I had thought was totally unrelated (turns out it makes total sense now). Even though I’ve been in a great relationship for 2 years, with both R and the former friend gone from my life, I was LIVID (which is the understatement of the century ).
There it was, the anger stage, all at once. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I ended up sending a very nasty series of Facebook messages to R (mature, I know). My boyfriend wasn’t a huge fan of this idea of mine. I just couldn’t seem to explain to him why, after 2 years of being perfectly content, I was suddenly so affected by this thing that had happened so long ago. I still can’t explain it. But now, thanks to your blog, I know that I’m not the only one that this has happened to. So, thanks.
M,
Wow….your story is just awful. I would be PISSED if I were in your shoes. No matter how long after, this was your friend. That is such a huge betrayal, and the fact that he didn’t tell you, you had to hear from someone else years later, is awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I thiink your anger is totally justified. As an outsider, I can see why your boyfriend was questioning why this bothered you, but it isn’t until you are in these shoes that you can know what it feels like. You can be moved on, but there was love in that relationship and i don’t know if that ever completely goes away. After the stressful times he put you through, this was probably just like pouring salt on the wounds. I’m so happy that you have met someone you love and I hope you get al the happiness you deserve.
Your reaction, of course, is completely natural. As is his, I suppose, in asking you to take down this post. I’m glad you didn’t though – sounds like you’ve got some feelings you’re still working through, and this is a great place for feedback to help you along!
Hey Mark,
Oh yeah, if I were him, I’d probably be a bit annoyed by this post. I don’t blame him for asking me to take it down. I hope he doesn’t blame me for refusing to do so. This blog has been a wonderful source of feedback, and support… I post the bad comments, because while I may not always 100% agree, they help me grow. I’m not perfect. Valid points are made and they help me do better next time.
This is exactly the reason why I believe facebook is the root of all evil (I’m being a little sarcastic here, but seriously, it seems like all it does is get me into trouble!) Life was so much easier when there was not visual confirmation of how happy and fulfilled our exes are (and especially when we couldn’t send them poorly thought out messages on a whim!)
I just wanted to say that I am right there with you Catherine, this is all stuff that you are not alone in experiencing. And there is no timeline for processing all this, You are progressing through the stages, and however you experience it is your business. It is not for anyone to dictate how you grieve your loss, what emotions you feel, or when you feel them. I think that as long as you are overall moving forward (and I believe you are), that is all that matters. This is your path, and kudos to you for owning your feelings and sharing them honestly.
As for the ex and new gf being mentioned in the blog, I think that it seems you have always been pretty respectful of him on this blog and none of us really know who they are anyways. If he and his ex have a problem with it, they probably shouldn’t be reading your blog, just like you probably shouldn’t be looking at his facebook 🙂 and truthfully, he’s pretty lucky that you weren’t angrier and crazier with him long before this!
hang in there!
Hey Annie,
As always, I appreciate your comments, especially as I know you’ve been going through some similar things the past several months with your own cancelled weddings. Facebook really doesn’t help with a breakup, not one bit. I would have so preferred to have found out this information from him, when I talked to him just a week prior. I may not have reacted so badly to it if he had just told me, and mmediately calmed my anger or denied my fears. But finding out the way I did, made me feel so blindsighted and betrayed. BUT – you should know – this was exactly the thing I needed to finally unfriend him on Facebook. And ask all of my friends to unfriend him as well (not in a mean way, they were only his friends because of me – not really mutual friends of ours). I just needed to separate myself from this window into his life. It was hard – when Facebook’s message popped up “Are you sure you want to unfriend X?” I wanted to scream NO! I’M NOT SURE! But I know it’s better for me, so I pressed the button. And now…it’s time for me to move on. No more Facebook stalking. Thank God. 🙂
Oh, holy hell, chica – your post is awesome, and in some ways I’m so ‘right there with ya’ it’s not even funny – canceled my own wedding three months ago, took off on a road trip, started a blog primarily to keep from flooding family and b’maids’ inboxes. Today I’m coincidentally posting about how I spent my own ‘wedding that wasn’t day,’ and happen to randomly go tag surfing – hello there!
It’s late and I’m trying to be a good kid and get a decent night’s sleep, but I am really looking forward to reading your whole year + and would love to share a beer some time, depending on where you are.
Um. I am also sorely tempted to invent a secret ‘I canceled my wedding, too’ handshake out of excitement of finally running into someone, even online, who did the same. But in hopes of convincing you I’m actually not always this manic (I’m not) and hopefully getting that beer, I won’t.
In the end – kudos. And don’t it suck. And ain’t it grand.
Jillian
Jillian,
HELLO!!! I also get weirdly happy when I find someone else who was an “almost-bride” and who had an “un-wedding day” (terms I use pretty frequently on the blog). I can’t wait to have some extra time this weekend to check out your blog too! I took just a quick look (couldn’t resist) and I absolutely LOVE that you are on this awesome roadtrip! What a great way of dealing with what you’ve been through! (And – sorry about all of that. You sound like you are in a good place, but I know how hard it is, so I’m sending positive vibes your way). I’d LOVE to grab a beer sometime. I live in Richmond, VA. Feel free to email me and we’ll see if you’ll be anywhere near my neck of the woods! My email is simplysoloblog@gmail.com
Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
Samantha….it’s not like she released the kids names…ages…school they go to…height…weight and blood type…geeeez! Catherine, I think the way you feel is totally normal, I would be upset. Its not the fact he has moved on, its who he moved on with. And the contact that they had for 8 months most def was NOT innocent. An emotional relationship is just as bad if not worse than a physical one. And finding out someone you loved lied to you still stings be it 1 yr or 5 yrs after you are over. I believe what also hurts is the realization that the level of dishonesty a individual is capable of…leaves you wondering “can I ever believe anyone again”….Then there’s the fact that the Ex “claimed” to have no feelings for his ex, yet who was he so quick to run to… So that makes Catherine feel like everything he claimed to be feeling or not feeling during the relationship was a lie. A break up is a mourning process…feelings just don’t go away and life goes on business as usual. If it was THAT easy do you think there would be endless…movies..songs..poems…plays…books…and blogs 😉 about break ups?? Catherine, you are by no means “a crazy ex girlfriend” it’s not like you are stalking the couple for gawds sake!
Thank you so much, noob 🙂 I appreciate your support here. You are totally right, it does make me feel like I don’t know how I can trust again. You are so right – if it were simple to get over something like this, and my behavior is totally immature, there wouldn’t be so many books and poems and songs and movies etc about this very same topic!! Thanks again, I appreciated the comment.
Catherine, I told you 14 months ago that you were strong enough to surpass this and you have proven me right. I told you to hold your head high and go forth and you have. I know the “ex” but not “Tina” and you Catherine have not been disrespectful to either of them in anyway. You have truly been a “lady” thoughout this whole time. I am proud of you. I have read most of your post but never posted but felt the need to let you know from people that you know that you have moved on and you are doing just great. Keep up the good work on your life and your blogs…. luv ya girl…..
Thank you Pam. I really appreciate your support throughout this. i appreciate you taking the time to comment on this post – it means a lot to me. I love my lake family! 🙂
Catherine,
You have every right to be angry. You don’t ever need to justify it. You have every right to feel what you feel when you feel it. In this instance or any other. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different. Especially your ex and people who are obviously friends of “Tina” (Samantha). People have hidden motives no matter which side they fall on.
You also have every right to post whatever you want no matter what your ex thinks. He chose to do what he did and he should man up and accept the consequences. If he doesn’t want to read about it, then he shouldn’t read the blog.
This event hasn’t set you back. This also doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on as far as you have. He hurt you big time and you recently found out how much more there was to the story. How many more lies he told. He left you scarred and this new information jabbed a knife into it.
Most of your anger is at yourself. Yes he did these things. Before this event, you already knew he was a horrible person. It may reinforce it more, but it didn’t really need to. You are angry that you believed him. That you stayed when your gut screamed at you to leave. That you knew something was going on between them (even if nothing physical happened until after), you were absolutely correct no matter what he said or did to convince you otherwise, and yet you stayed.
However it’s only temporary. Ride out the emotions. On the other side is a big blinking sign of “at least I got the fuck out when I did.”
A while back I dated someone whom I was convinced was cheating on me. I’m not a jealous person, but there were a few things that were just… off. So I left. It wasn’t a very long relationship so getting over it wasn’t all that difficult. About 6 months later I realized that I hadn’t removed him from a social networking site (flickr) because he never used it. He had kept trying to beg me back so I had removed him from every communication venue he used. All of a sudden he posted a back log of photos that proved that he was cheating – I was in fact the other woman.
I was over him, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t get really angry for a few days. Really angry. Like punch someone in the face angry. I had unwittingly been the other woman, something that I would have NEVER been willing to do. He had spent months trying to convince me I was being crazy and without proof I sometimes believed him. But at the end of it, it reinforced my decision to leave and justified my feelings at the time.
Thanks for your comment, Claudia. Wow, I can’t imagine someone doing that to me. I would NEVER be the other woman, and how awful it is that he forced you into that situation! I really can’t get past how we as human beings can do these things to each other.
“This also doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on as far as you have…He left you scarred and this new information jabbed a knife into it.” Wow, this was powerful. It really got me thinking. These little reminders, here and there, do make me wonder if I haven’t moved on as far as I know, under normal circumstances, I have. I’ve been saying it for what feels like forever but I really need to learn to give myself more credit. And the part about his scarring me and then jabbing a knife in it… this is EXACTLY how it feels! I was finally starting to feel healed and it was like the wound was opened again. Thanks for putting words to what I was feeling.
Anger is normal, I guess. I got really angry with my ex once too, when I saw a girl he’d had a short relationship long before posting a smiley on his facebook wall, and him answering with other pointless smileys. I immediately realized something was going on between them, and I didn’t like it: not only it was an ex, it was also short after we broke up, after he’d told me he wouldn’t have dated anyone for a long while. Of course our situation is very different, but I appreciate the fact that breakups often follow the same path… luckily, we all end up with acceptance someday. I wish you all the best from this experience, because being angry helps sometimes, and if it’s the price you have to pay to be completely healed, well… welcome anger then! Keep up your admirable healing process Catherine!
Thanks, Lena. I do think we all go through some of these same steps, and after hearing so many stories on this blog post, apparently many of us struggle when we find out that our ex moves on… well, maybe it’s who they move on with. I’m just trying to focus on moving forward now and getting past this anger! Thanks so much for commenting.
Meh. I think we’re all allowed to be petty with exes every now and then. I just shot off a somewhat petty email myself concerning my ex asking me to take care of her dog while she’s out of town…. 😉
Haha, Dennis. I think MOST of us would react poorly to such a request! Thanks 🙂
GREAT POST. I think most of us have been there, and to be honest, I’ve been waiting for you to get there too. You have every right to be angry! And, I too, have had the ex get mad at me for things I post on my blog (oh how I love the First Amendment). Although you may be pissed now, I think you’re on a free ride to happiness after the anger trail.
-L
Thanks, Lucky. I’m glad you were able to read this post, because damn, I’ve been through it this year and you and Gizzy have been here every step of the way (thank you!!). I’m glad I finally got some of this out – I deserve to be angry. And now, I deserve to get over it. I love, “I think you’re on a free ride to happiness after the anger trail.” I sure hope so!
Good for you! It’s about time really. Anger itself is a pretty destructive emotion but a necessary one, I think. I also convinced myself for a long time that I wasnt angry, I wanted to be the better person. I even tried being friends!!! You are still way ahead of the curve than I was, I didnt get to the anger stage for another 2 years!
Don’t beat yourself up about it. The anger will pass eventually and you will start to feel better.
Plus, you have countless people in the blogosphere who have got your back and are ready to tell you this is completely normal and not immature at all, and that it will lead to growth.
🙂
Serene32,
Thanks…. I can’t tell you how happy I am for all of you out there on the blogosphere. You’ve made this journey so much different, you’ve reminded me I’m not alone, and you have really helped me become a better person. i really appreciate your support 🙂
OOooooh Catherine, you are so popular! I feel lucky to have caught you at the beginning of this journey, and you’ve come so far! I still tell friends about your story and your blog and how you’ve inspired me. Thanks for your honesty. Irrational emotions still well up in me too, about my ex and boys who could have been. It’s part of life, and you are totally entitled to your anger and the sharing you’ve done with this post. Thanks for sharing and putting yourself out there like this 🙂
Best,
Maggie
Thanks, Maggie!! haha, popular is a funny word to use in the blogosphere. I’ve just picked up a few friends in the blogosphere this past year – and being Freshly Pressed two times was the main reason I’ve found so many people to connect with! Thanks so much for following my story. I always look forward to your comments, and you are one of my favorites in my Google Reader. You really have a way of making me think. And you introduced me to Jonathan Tropper, one of my all time favorite writers, so I owe you a ton!! 🙂
Congrats on another Freshly Pressed! That’s so fantastic. And, awww, thanks for being such a sweetheart–I always look forward to your posts and comments too! And I’m glad I could introduce you to Jonathan Tropper, since good writing makes the world go ’round! When can we expect a book from you? 😉
Ha, I’m working hard on that book – all in my head 🙂 Hopefully someday it’ll make it to paper!! Thanks for the congrats 🙂 Hope you had a great long weekend!
i feel you. i’m also in the angry stage now.
i hope we get out of this rut asap!
Agreed!! We will… it’ll take time… but hopefully not too long 🙂
I’m angry as hell too (for your situation and my own)! But eventually I do want to get to forgiveness, not for anyone else but for myself.
I’m glad you left this post up, bc it’s for YOUR healing, so don’t worry about how it makes them look- their actions speak for themselves.
So glad to be along for your journey,
She Traces
“But eventually I do want forgiveness, not for anyone else but for myself.” — So powerful. I think so many of us need to find forgiveness for ourselves. I know I do. Good luck to you with this effort 🙂
PS- You’re bold in sharing all this because you open up yourself to lots of criticism from people who don’t know the WHOLE story. Even if you’ve never gotten as detailed as you have done in this post, everyone is always quick to tell someone else what they should/shouldnt do. I think that’s whats holding me back from talking about my relationship on my blog- i don’t need everyone’s 5 cents, especially when I know I won’t get support from everyone. There will be a person who comes along and knows what my problem is, and exactly how I should get over it. It’s a sensitive situation.
Shetraces,
Thanks for your comments. It certainly isn’t easy to put so much of myself on here… because I know I’ll always get some negativity. But gosh, the positivity that I get from my readers waaaay outweighs anything negative I could hear. And a the of the day, as long as the negative comments aren’t threatening or completely out of line, I welcome the feedback. I’m not perfect. Often their comments have some truth to them…even if not the whole truth. So I’m trying to take all of it as a learning opportunity. But you are right…there is always the “ouch!!” moment when a bad comment comes through. I just try and take a deep breath, remind myself that these people don’t know me/my whole story, and then try and take what I can from their feedback. It’s about all I can do. It’s totally worth the therapeutic feeling I get from being able to be 100 percent honest here! I hope you find a balance on your blog and are able to experience some of that!
Freshly Pressed TWICE?! Congratulations!
I have so much to say about this post that I don’t actually have anything to say about this post. Maybe it never gets easier? I hope it does…
Beneath,
Thank you!! It was quite exciting :). I have to believe it gets easier. Even since writing this post, it’s been getting easier. I just needed to get some of this out, I think. Hope you are doing well…been loving the pictures on the blog lately and following your adventure!
Hi Catherine
I just started reading your blog last week and after reading one of your freshly pressed entries, I decided to read the blog the whole way through from the beginning. I love this! I love the way you write and think it’s ok to be angry. As a girl who’s been through a lot of break ups, I know anger. You’re very strong and very brave to write with your name and face attached to your blog. I think you do a great job of protecting not only the ones who have done you wrong, but also the ones who have done you right! Get it girl!
Wow! Thanks so much for reading through the blog. That means a lot to me, and I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s SO HARD sometimes writing with my name/face attached to this blog. Sometimes I wish I had done this anonymously – it would have make life so much easier! And then I could really say whatever I want, haha. I appreciate your kind words and thanks so much for reading.
hi catherine~ i’ve been reading your blog for awhile, but this is my first comment, and i chose this post to comment on because it had me reading along and saying aloud “omg me TOO!!!!!!!”. i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, a man i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with, in december. by march, i found out through facebook (damn you, fb!!), that he was back together with a girl he had had a brief, but intense, relationship with 2 years ago while he and i were in a weird state of broken-up-ed-ness. she lives across the country and i just found out a month ago that she’s moving here, and in with him, in september. i’m devastated. yes, i’m dating someone, yes, i’m happy, yes, i’m even happy FOR my ex if he’s happy. but it’s that it’s HER that boils my blood. i feel like the last 2 years of our relationship, after we worked really hard to get “us” back on track after all that had happened with her and with us, were a sham. i can’t help but wonder if he regrets spending those years with me instead of trying harder with her. part of me knows that’s not true, and that he wasn’t happy with her 2 years ago, and he won’t be happy with her now, but it stings. badly.
basically, i totally commiserate with what you’re going through and i think it’s natural and normal for all of us who have been through a similar circumstance to feel that way. thank you for reminding me that this is a process, and we will have “good” days and “bad” days as we work towards healing ourselves from this loss.
Daria,
Thanks for commenting! I’m glad to have you as a reader, but I do love to hear people comment (especially for the first time). So, it’s nice to meet you officially 🙂
I’m sorry to hear about your ex and all of that…. You know I know exactly how you feel. “I’m even happy FOR my ex if he’s happy”….I feel the same way. It’s a weird situation when you find that you do want to be happy for your ex, but it’s so hard to get on board with who they chose. I know what you mean about questioning everything – that’s where I’ve been the past couple of weeks as well. I’m starting to feel a little more “let go and let God” about the situation, and it’s making me feel better. Slowly, but surely. Just know you are better off without him… and time will make this, and everything else, better.
Anger linger, regardless of how mature we think we are, or how much bigger we feel that we are that they have moved on and are happy.
Eventually, anger just strolls right in, sits down in your comfy chair, puts it’s dirty feet up on your coffee table and gives you the big ol’ finger.
Best to deal with the anger whenever it drops by. Ignoring it doesn’t help. Personally, I think your post was a bang-on way to deal with. Cause torching their car or dying their prize poodle sky blue pink isn’t healthy… or wise really.
Kudos. 🙂
Sarcasticus,
LOL, your comment got rid of a bit of my anger because you had me cracking up. You are right, torching their car (or maybe attacking it with a baseball bat, which is a bit more my style), wouldn’t really be a good idea. I’m working through it. This post helped, hearing everyone’s stories helped, and now I’m just giving it time 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.
I’ve been following your blog for awhile, and I have to say, it seems to me like writing about it is a really good and healthy thing for you. The commenters who are saying you shouldn’t be writing about someone else’s family etc need to chill out, especially as you always take such care to write in a measured and fair way. I don’t have a blog myself, but just from reading your posts it seems like it’s a really cathartic action and it probably helps a lot of people who are going through similar issues without you even realising it. Definitely stay strong and keep posting, it’s great to hear you’re doing so well despite the temporary (and justifiable) anger phase. Best of luck from here in Aus! x
Thank you so much Tia. I really appreciate your comment and kind words. This blog has been amazing… I am very fortunate to have this outlet and this opportunity to get immediate feedback. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Hi there, I recently found your blog and experienced something similar [albiet, less aggregious] myself. My ex who promised me that he was going to work on his personal issues after our break up so that we would be able to put together our broken relationship…that he had no interest in being with anyone but me..and yada yada started dating his co-worker shortly after our breakup. The same one he supposedly hated [and talked about way too much, looking back]. It was a betrayal and it hurt like hell. But better to know that definitely that your ex was a man of little character and integrity, lest you ever have any doubts.
dollfacedee,
Sorry to hear that. It’s crappy that he did that to you. I just don’t understand why people can’t be honest… that way you weren’t sitting around thinking that you both were going to make things work if he had no intention of doing so! But you are right, better to know…. especially now before later.
Hi, I came across your blog recently and am enjoying catching up. I like many women have had to deal with getting over a bad relationship while trying to remain human and live a life. This blog really hit home to me and my boyfriend. Both of us had a really them moment. My ex boyfriend married the women he cheated on me with but I guess she didn’t mind since she was married at the time. Then my boyfriends ex-wife who didn’t want the divorce ended up married to the guy she insisted she wasn’t sleeping with. Turns out while begging for him not to divorce her she was pregnant with the guy she was not sleeping with. So yeah both of us had plenty of really THEM really moment!?!
Wow, dude. I need a flow chart to figure out that situation!! I read that three times before I *think* I figured out what happened. Sounds like you are due a drama-free relationship. You and me both 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
i love this post. you clearly understand that you’re not perfect either, and i think it’s totally acceptable for you to write about his shortcomings. i mean, you have every right to. you’re not exposing everything about him, just the words that will teach readers like me of the warning signs and whatnot. you go, girl!! i know immense happiness is down the road for you. don’t regret what you’ve written. don’t regret the time you spent with him. just choose to be happy.
Jessica,
Thank you for your comment :). I really appreciate the words of support. Trust me, it was hard to leave this post up. “Just choose to be happy.” So true! It is a choice. And that’s exactly what I’m doing 🙂
Appreciate your stopping by!
When I found out that my ex-wife had left me for someone else, (I thought we were separating for other reasons) and I found out it was her “innocent friend who she had met on twitter and talked to on facebook.) I felt like she had left me all over again. I felt like I finally knew what had happened and there were all the lies thrown back in my face. I did not take it well and I know where you are coming from.
It feels like you’ve been betrayed all over again and it’s not a nice feeling.
I’m sorry to hear all you’ve been through… It does hurt when you find out more and more lies. It’s like… it’s over! Why not just tell the whole truth? Finding out more and more just hurts every time.
Take care of yourself 🙂
Its ok to be angry. Allow yourself to feel the anger because it helps. I have a list of bad things I wish on my ex. The wish list has 150 or more things. Wish # 1, I wish he burns in a car crash. Wish# 2, I wish his girl cheats on him with his brother….And the wish list goes on. Yes I am loony. The point is, find ways to channel out your anger. Writing about it is a great way. Just don’t be stuck on the angry stage for too long. Good luck.
Thanks, Happy. I tend to agree with you – let yourself feel it, but realize that phase can only last for so long. Now, I’d be careful with your list if I were you… sounds like evidence. 🙂
lol. Silly girl. I wont do anything stupid to ruin my life. God will take care of him. Trust me Karma is a bitch.
I literally just started reading your blog yesterday, and it is amazing! I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a few weeks ago, I fell pregnant, he and his family pushed me into an abortion and I flat out refused. He then told me he couldn’t be in a relationship with me because ‘i was ruining his life’ and if i kept the baby then we would never have a relationship again. What on earth made him think I would want a relationship with him after the way he treated me is beyond me. Anyway, we live together, so I have been down at my parents house for the past few weeks just getting away from him. Today I looked at his facebook, and his neighbour from college (who flirted with him NON stop, inappropriate msgs, late night movie nights) had written all these comments about their night last night. About how she stayed over at OUR house, and slept in MY bed. Clearly they had fun. And clearly he doesn’t realise his profile is on public.. I know he is allowed to move on, but I feel like slapping him and cant help but wonder whether he cheated on me. Its such a horrible feeling, not knowing whether there was something going on behind my back. But at the end of the day, I just figure it’s his loss. I deserve better than someone who behaves like that. I’m looking forward to curling up with pizza and reading some more of your blogs tonight 🙂 Keep smiling. You are beautiful!
Wow, Sarah. That guy sounds like an absolute jerk and I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I can only imagine the stress and heart ache you’ve been feeling. I hope you have a strong support system – rely on them as much as possible. What on earth made him think I would want a relationship with him after the way he treated me is beyond me.” LOL – EXACTLY what I was thinking!!! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are going to be just fine. Please do check in sometime. I’m sending positive vibes your way!
Good job on getting angry. If a million doughnuts cannot fix the rage inside you, deal with it the best way you know how.
This comment is sooo post dated as I just stumbled through your blog just now. Love it.
Thanks for stopping by! (Sorry it took me so long to reply to your comment!) I’m happy I got angry… it allowed me to move on!
It takes as long as it takes in whatever form it takes.
I just re-read this today. Not sure why. As someone who also just battled her way through the anger stage yet AGAIN, I am in a peaceful, happy place for now. Just as our brains and bodies have memories, emotions and physical reactions to sights, tastes, smells and sounds from our childhood or other significant times in our lives, we (me, you all of us) will continue to have our new lives “interrupted” by memories and feelings of things we would rather forget. The visceral reaction to a song, location or similar situation that brings up a memory of something to do with an ex, cannot be controlled. The vividness fades with time and we gain a mastery over our outward reactions but we will never completely forget. each time we handle those intrusions a little bit better. Acknowledging our feelings and being honest about what may be an approapriate reaction helps the evolution of awareness which leads to healing and finally peace.
Halen,
Your comment is so beautiful and true. Thanks for putting this into words 🙂
Oh hun, I just read this blog for the first time and it reminded me of where I was 2 years ago. My ex who I was with for five years cheated on my for one year with his highschool sweetheart. We lived together and tried on engagement rings – but that ring never came. i found out about the affair and we moved out.
Now they never ended up getting together, because he wasn’t actually interested in a relationship with her, but it still tore me apart and I felt all the same things you did, I went to therapy – i started a blog, I moved on.
I’m glad you got angry – and now that the ex is engaged – get angry again. And then get even, and by that I mean, get happy. Move forward and enjoy your life. You are a beautiful woman who expressed herself with grace and confidance. I look forward to continuing this journey with you
Dear Catherine, Somehow serendipity brought me to your blog last night….and thank God it did. First of all, let me congratulate you on taking an active role in your healing: that shows courage because a coward would shrink from the situation and refuse to deal. Second of all, I loved this post: it’s raw, honest, and true. It is essential to your healing to get angry; otherwise, your soul gets entangled in an ugly, uncomfortable sticky gooey place. Third of all, thank you for creating this blog. I’m extremely sorry about what happened to you, but I’m here to tell you something that I learned from a similar experience: a guy I had been seeing off and on since college (10 years) got married last year….he never told me. In fact, we were supposed to take a trip together to a foreign country last summer, and then he said, “I can’t go because I have a book tour.” [It’s true, he’s written a book.] And I was like, “Oh, ok.” I decided not to travel and stay at home doing more productive things, like working, paying off my debts, etc. However:
“Book tour” is the new synonym for “I’m getting married.”
For some reason he couldn’t muster up the courage to tell me, but when I found out through a mutual friend a few months later, I felt like my heart had been hit with a brick. Not only that, but I also found out that when he claimed he was single, he actually wasn’t. He was with his girlfriend, now wife. So I inadvertently slept with someone’s boyfriend for the last ten years, without knowing it. Wait, it gets better: when I email him to congratulate him on his wedding (I was so exhausted from shock, that I hadn’t entered the anger phase just yet), he responded back immediately with something along the lines of “Thanks! But I spend a lot of my time thinking of you and if you went on that trip, and if you did, how was it?” Then he signs it “hugs.”
It was then that I realized, Catherine, that I had seriously dodged a bullet. I feel really bad for his now wife. She has no idea whom she has married; and I had no idea who I had been dating. Someone who’s married and emails an ex with something like “I spend my time thinking of you” is highly inappropriate. When that email is followed by another one, emphasizing that he keeps thinking about me, my anger finally surfaced. But with it, came another surprising feeling: a sense of relief.
He’s not my problem now, honey. Plus, we had talked about marriage at one point, but now that I think about it…being married to this guy would be hell. I wouldn’t be able to trust him on ANYTHING. I would be paranoid and an anxious wreck throughout the marriage. And, paradoxically, I am so grateful that I don’t have to deal with him anymore, because looking back, there was always something in the back of my head that would warn me about this guy: the shifty eyes, the inability to look at me at certain moments in conversations, his disappearance for weeks at a time with no explanation, and then suddenly materializing at my door to “just to say hi.”
The entire time his body language was betraying his true character, and I should have known better. So here’s the thing: you have dodged a bullet. The Universe has been gracious enough to save you from what could have been a really horrible life. Also, because of this experience, you have LEARNED a lot about the nature of people, but most importantly about yourself. This is an essential skill in being a successful person.
Oh, and one more thing:
Karma is a bitch. 🙂 What goes around, comes around.
I do suggest getting out of Facebook and cutting all communication with any mutual friends. I found out that once I cut these “psychic” ties with these people, my healing progressed much more smoothly, healthily, and beautifully. Good luck, and thank you again for creating this blog.
Wow, Polamiro. You have been through the ringer, haven’t you? My god you are so much better without that guy. You really did dodge a bullet. I also feel really sorry for his wife. I’m sorry that he strung you along for 10 years too. Someone woh does something like this guy did sounds like he has serious emotional problems. He needs help. Thank GOD it’s not your problem to help him. You will get the best – you deserve it! Good luck to you!
Catherine, I have to say, after reading this it’s made me feel a lot more sane about my situation. After 3 1/2 years of involvement with my ex, he’s gone off and is dating another girl, a little after a month after we broke it off.
I’ve felt so, so angry about it and I’ve actually wanted to physically hurt him – so he can feel the hurt that he’s put me through over the past few months, towards the end of everything. Even his good friends have been saying that I didn’t deserve him and that he’s moved on quick. I think I’m slowly getting over it and exams are slowly taking my mind off it, but I guess it’ll be in the back of my mind for a while. I’ve taken the high road and gotten rid of every trace of him – facebook, photos etc. (apart from the odd ones) and I don’t plan on talking to him for a very long time.
Your blog has really helped me gain a bit of perspective, and believe that I have a right to be angry, I guess. I know it shouldn’t last and I don’t think it will (or at least I hope not) but it comforts me that it’s not uncalled for to feel like this. Thanks for writing – you obviously felt a lot of hurt whilst writing this, and even though people have scrutinised your post, I think it’s right that you were honest to yourself about how you felt than bottling it up inside.
Rachel,
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us here. You are certainly not alone. And as much as you may want to just turn off your anger, I don’t think it works that way. You have to process your anger to be able to move on. But, just a few months later, I’m feeling much better. So i know no it’s possible to be begin to move on. Take care of yourself
After two years faithfully with the same guy, an unwanted break up, and finding out that a month after he’s dating his choir partner I had that REALLY? WHY HER? moments.
Everything you are talking about hits pretty close to home. She admitted she had a crush on him and he told me about it. We already had some trust issues because I found out he wasn’t out doing what he said he would when he went out with his friends. More than just once, almost all the time.
I don’t know why I put up with it, but I’m getting through the anger stage.
I know you posted this over a year ago, but I just found this post and I wanted to say I’m glad you didn’t budge and take it down. Just as much as he has the right to move on, you had the right to feel something about it. And it’s not like anyone can figure out who it is (unless they know you). Still, glad to hear you’re doing a lot better. 🙂 Good luck with everything and life! 😀
This is EXACTLY why he and I ended things. With the same duration period as well.
He went behind my back for 8 months. He told me he didnt love her and that they were just friends. Harmlessly chatting. Yeah right. “Harmless”. He cheated and he lied, and that combo just did it. I had to leave him and i’ve warned him over and over that if there is someone else, tell me, and i will leave. I rather this than lose my pride and be cheated on. It doesnt do good for both (or three) of our reputations. We were together for 5 years. I found out about her on our anniversary. I hope she leaves him. I would love to one day come up to him and say, “in your face!”.
Nano,
Ugh, I so know what you are feeling. I thought for a long time I wanted someone to break my ex’s heart like he did mine. Sometimes I still do. Luckily, with time, a lot of that resentment goes away. But I do believe karma works…. 🙂
Oh I know this feeling too well. I had an almost 8-year relationship which ended almost 3 and a half years ago now. We were never close to marriage, but we were about to move in together when it did end. My ex was always a gentleman and I trust he was nothing but faithful to me. But 2 years ago I found out he started seeing a co-worker of his, who he was pretty buddy-buddy with during the last few years we were together. She was engaged, and then married though, during that time. So there was nothing to be suspicious over.
But finding out really sucked. He had dated another girl 6 months after our relationship ended, which didn’t last very long. But pretty much a year after our break up, he started to see her. Who had JUST recently separated from her husband. It then made me question their friendship… They would always eat breakfast at work together (we all worked at the same office) and whenever I ran into them, I actually felt like the third wheel. To this day, he is still with her. They moved in together within months. And although I no long hold any ill feelings towards him, in fact I feel okay about him (though haven’t had contact for a year), I have absolutely no desire to ever interact with her. I remember she removed me from Facebook pretty darn quickly after him and I broke up. And I never really liked her all that much to begin with.
But I’m moving back home in a couple of months (having lived abroad now for about 2.5 years) and I know I will likely bump into them at some point (mutual friends and all). Anyway, this was a bit of a ramble but it always fascinates me to be able to relate to someone else’s story. I’m going through my 2nd break up since that first big one 3 years ago and I’m glad I found your blog. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
I just found this blog so this comment is coming ages later. Last year my first boyfriend broke up with me for many reasons including the fact that he lives in a different country that neighbours mine and is about a 2 hour flight away. It was just too hard to do the long distance. I’ve spent most of this year a complete mess missing him and waiting for him to realise that he loved me to. I mean i was the person who did everything for him, went above and beyond over and over again, accepted him back after cheating, ran his life etc. How could he let me go? And then a week ago he phones me to tell me that he is in a new relationship with someone in AUSTRALIA, a completely different continent away and that he’s told her that he loves her and is committed to making it work. We had seen each other once after he broke up and he cried twice at the airport at the thought of leaving me yet a month later he started dating someone half a world away who is only still awake the first 5 hours of his day. I have been consumed by the most intense anger ever since then. That it was just ‘too hard’ for him to fly two hours to see me or get off for more than a week at a time but now he’s flying 18 hours to see her for weeks at a time. I feel completely like I was a starter girlfriend, the one he got to take out all his demons on so that now he can be perfect and amazing for someone else. I dont know how to stop being angry! I thought i was the bigger person, forgiving him, wishing him well. Now i just want to see him to strangle him. I just dont feel like I’m ever going to recover. Its been a year and I’m still alone, unable to move on. And if there was any karma he would be the miserable one, chasing after me, yet his life has carried on uninterrupted and he’s walked away with everything. I dont know what to do with my anger, carrying it around with me is killing me!!
Hey Catherine…I was looking for a good post on anger after a break up. Found this one…even though I know it’s from last year, I hope you’ll allow me to reblog it on my blog. I would link it back to you and give you the credit. I just think a lot of people who read my blog could relate to this. Thanks for sharing your true feelings…I think most of us have been there at some point!
Catherine, you are amazing! I am happy you did not remove the post after he called you. I am proud to be in the same situation like you, strong, fantastic woman you are!
Thank you for sharing your experience- I feel less crazy about mine now.
Wow, i stumbled upon your post after googling for a break up song lists. I am living something somewhat similar then you. Thanks for sharing. My boyfriend after telling me that his Baby Mama was the worst person in the world and that he was done with her…While we were planing to go to the next step, he FINALLY found a good job after being broke all the time….He tells me that he doesnt feel the same anymore…the next day he post on facebook he is in a relationship with her. I am SO angry 😦 for the first time in my life i actually understand why some people commit passionate crime. It is the most painfull thing to realize you were stupid ….So, i am at the beginning of my journey and try to piece my life back together. Your Blog is GREAT help. Thanks for sharing your journey
I completely relate with this blog, i’m going trough a break up and it’s good to know i’m not the only one who acts like a complete crazy person, it’s just natural!
Thanks for sharing with us!
Ugh. I relate so well. So incredibly well. My ex and I were together for four years. Just before our breakup I found out he’d been friends with an ex-girlfriend behind my back all those years, even visiting her four times for whole weekends without telling me. Whenever we talked about her during our time together, he’d be like “d’uhh, what a bitch, I hear she’s totally strung out on weed every day now”. My guts sink to the floor just thinking about it. I believe him when he says it was completely platonic, that the only reason he (thought he) didn’t tell me was that he knew I wouldn’t like it, to ‘spare me’ or whatever, but that doesn’t make the lie go away. That doesn’t make the hurt go away. Fucking asshole.
omg i know how you feel same situation but this wasnt before marrige..just a relationship
Hey, thank you for posting this. I am going through a similar situation whereby I happened to saw my ex’s wedding pictures on Facebook. I felt a sting even though I am sure I am not hung up over him. I was just pissed off at how well some people can lie. He got together with the girl who he says “she is like a Brother”, “it’s impossible for me and her to be a couple”, “her Boyfriend will be angry” etc etc BSs. I felt weird about his lame excuses towards his over the top care and concern for this special friend. But I chose to give the benefit of doubt.
As the story unfolds, he has been going to her house and running errands even though she has a Boyfriend, for god knows how long. We always had issues because his heart was never with me. All were lies. I was tired of his BS yet I kept giving him chances. Miraculously, after the girl broke up with her Boyfriend, he decided that it is time to “release both of us”. Well I do think it was a relief. And I wasn’t really sad. But when the dots connect, I was boiling inside.
What does that make me? Why waste my time when he was not bloody interested at all? I am pissed at how he could lie without blinking. And I felt used.
Honestly, I am glad to rid this pest in my life. I’m thankful for the peaceful days I have now. I love my current Boyfriend and every experience with him is a bliss. But I am still mad. I hope I can one day not be affected at all. No matter what kind of pictures I will see, or even if I met the couple in person, I will not be affected in the least bit.
I am gonna live a great life, and focus on doing just that. And I hope you have done so too! 😊