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Simply Solo Spotlight: Beware! Not All Who Advise Have Common Sense

March 13, 2012

Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Tonya Vrba, a passionate writer whose work has been published in numerous newspapers and blogs. She currently writes for OnlineDatingSites.net. Learn more about Tonya and her work at her personal website.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

Beware! Not All Who Advise Have Common Sense

I may not have been the average dating advice columnist when I happened into a job with OnlineDatingSites.net, but as a fastidious researcher, I soon learned the ins and outs of the dating world. First and foremost, I learned common sense is usually the answer. It’s not that the many people who ask for dating advice lack common sense. Instead, I find most are blinded by love and looking for validation of their suspicions. It is the common sense of some of the advice givers I doubt.

advice booth

Not all advice is created equal. Photo courtesy of Laughlin Elkind

The most recent (horrible) I’ve found is in a guest post on Friends Dating Places. Before I go further, remember that this is a guest post on the site and may not necessarily express the views of the site as a whole. Also, in the marketplace of ideas, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. My opinion is that Ask Robby G is abhorrently erred in his dating advice.

I am so taken aback by his advice that I worry for any poor soul who takes him seriously. The issue at hand: Boy likes girl; how should he tell her?

“When you meet someone new … the biggest mistake you can make is tell them directly that you’re into them. The point is to continue playing the game and try not to put your guard down until you have sex.”

His words, not mine.

Perhaps I am a bit old-fashioned, but I prefer to know whether or not a man likes me before I have sex with him. My own advice would be to wait until you know someone well. With malicious STDs and self-proclaimed pickup artists looking for one night stands, a woman can’t be too careful.

Perhaps Mr. G is simply looking for a one night stand in his scenario. I imagine few quality girls want to “play the game.” If a woman is looking for a long-term relationship, she won’t be bothered with men who claim not to like her.

Honesty and common sense; they’re not hard, Mr. G.

Opinions like his bring about terrible advice for women, like this hideously insulting article on CNBC.com. I’ll summarize it here to spare you the agony of reading. Dear women, stop talking, stop wanting attention and stop having your own friends. Basically, just throw your feelings in a trash can. They’re useless. Men don’t care about how you feel and they don’t want to talk about how they feel.

This advice will work every time, if you’re a masochist who never wants to be happy.

When looking though the troves of dating advice out there, remember to keep your common sense. If something sounds crazy, don’t do it. Most dating experts write partially based on their own experiences. It may be that you don’t want the kind of relationship they do. The first step to finding solid advice is to conceptualize what you want in a relationship. The real struggle in a relationship, though, is not finding one, but maintaining one. For those of you who need it, here’s a reality slap of sound dating advice.

No, you can’t change him or her, but they can change if they choose to themselves.

People change, even after marriage. Keep an open mind, but never settle.

You are not perfect just the way you are. None of us are. Believing you are perfect prevents you from learning and growing. When in a relationship, you will need to learn and grow together.

All the same, someone will love you for the best of you and in spite of the worst of you. Expect to love someone in the same way.

Pay attention to the pattern of the above advice. It does not proclaim a utopia where you are perfect and so is your partner. The advice is not necessarily easy to follow because true relationships take work. At the same time, it is not dystopian. The opposite sex is not objectified or ridiculed as an enemy you must tame.

Look at dating blogs like you would look for a job. If it looks a bit sketchy, it probably is. Sites that are well put together and have reasonable traffic will be better sources of information. Dating is a unique industry. In order for people to keep reading, a blog must have sound information. If advice fails, the blogs fail.

This formula is especially true when looking at advice from dating sites or sites connected to dating advice. Imagine if someone followed the advice they found on eHarmony’s blog and it failed them. Not only will the blog lose out, but the business of the dating site loses out as well. If I ever have any doubts in my own advice, I often check with a reputable dating site blog.

Common sense, I know you have it. Do the world a favor and spread it around. Lastly, I beg you, don’t follow advice your gut tells you is wrong.

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


16 Comments leave one →
  1. March 13, 2012 10:43 am

    This coming from a guy, any guy that just wants to ‘play the game’ is not worth your time.

    • March 14, 2012 7:22 pm

      What worries me is that some people may read bad advice and think it’s what they have to do to find someone. It depresses me that kind of advice is even out there.

  2. March 13, 2012 1:31 pm

    this is such a great post, especially as I recently launched myself into the world of online dating (for fun/out of boredom mainly, but finding a great guy would serve as an added bonus!) common sense is definitely something to have on this type of adventure. so far i’ve learned: if there’s no chemistry there on the first date, it’s not gonna magically appear on the 2nd (or 3rd..if you go there). awesome post!

  3. March 13, 2012 2:09 pm

    Ugh…I hate the game. Any guy who wants to play the game is not the guy for me.

    • March 14, 2012 7:25 pm

      Anyone who wants to play the game isn’t ready for a serious relationship.

  4. March 13, 2012 4:05 pm

    I hate the game, too – and would never dream of playing it. I consider myself way too classy for that. :)

    • March 14, 2012 7:27 pm

      Happy to hear it! I think real compatibility, and eventually love, happens when two people are able to be honest and open with each other from the beginning. If a person has a characteristic that I don’t approve of, I’d rather find out sooner rather than later.

  5. March 13, 2012 5:54 pm

    Thanks for sharing some common sense with us.

  6. March 13, 2012 11:30 pm

    That CNBC article showcases exactly why I would NOT have an interest in dating a Wall Street man. I’d pick a poor man’s roses over a rich man’s gold anyday. Thanks for the moral support! :)

    • March 14, 2012 7:29 pm

      Money can’t buy love or happiness. I think home made gifts are the sweetest thing a person can give to their lover. It doesn’t even matter if the gift turns out perfect; just the fact the person tried means so much more than any store bought gift.

  7. March 18, 2012 9:14 am

    its true although we shouldnt forget to not be too direct. Make sure you are on the same page before embarking on a relationship

    • March 19, 2012 4:58 pm

      This is true, there’s no need to put too much pressure on a relationship. I actually told my boyfriend of three years within the first month (but not on the first date) that I wanted to get married. I didn’t through that out as if I expected to marry him, but I didn’t want to get hurt. I told him, I know we just started dating, but you need to know that in my future I want to get married. If that’s something that you don’t want, then we shouldn’t be together. I don’t know if I’m lucky or not that he understood what I was saying. The fact is, he understood that I wasn’t dating for the hell of it, I was look for something that could be potentially permanent.

Trackbacks

  1. Not All Who Advise About Dating Are Talking Common Sense
  2. More By Tonya « Tonya Vrba – Freelance Writer, Journalist, PR Specialist, Communication Expert
  3. Having A Job Doesn’t Exempt You From Job Search Preperations | Chapter TK

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