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The Sweetest Revenge

November 1, 2012

First of all, yes, I’m still alive. The past few weeks have been absolutely crazy. I’ve been working my butt off (interestingly, my pants aren’t any looser); I went to San Francisco for work/excessive eating (explains the pants); I closed on and moved into the new house; and I’ve had some other major life changes. Things are going fantastic, but I just can’t seem to catch my breath and find time for Simply Solo.

me sunday brunch

Aditi

However, the other night I was reading some blog emails, when I came across a guest post submitted by Aditi Lalbahadur. I loved the post so much that it forced me to make some time for the blog. (I promise I’m doing my best to get back in the swing of things soon!)

Aditi is an Indian-born South African researcher who is trying to save the world, one research report at a time. She loves chocolate pinotage, chatting with friends and dreams of being a writer when she grows up. I hope you enjoy her post today and show her some love in the comments.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

 

The Sweetest Revenge

Sunday 9 a.m. marked the exact one-year anniversary of my discovering that my ex was a lying cheating bastard. I found an email on his laptop while searching for humane ways to kill a mouse (a mouse had taken refuge in the house and had been outsmarting our traps for weeks).

It turned out that while I was in Scotland that year completing an MA, my then fiancé of two years (we lived together for seven), decided to shack up with his colleague IN OUR HOUSE (I have yet to figure out if she had anything to do with the mouse)! She’d moved out just in time for me to move back in, but they managed to keep their affair a secret for another two months while I was home. The ensuing events were all very dramatic. Let’s just say that it put my newly acquired MA in Peace and Conflict Studies to the test! Eventually though, I moved out. And the next day she moved in (pleased as punch, no doubt, with herself that she ‘won’).

Since then I have gone through the soul-crushing, simply exhausting journey of picking up the pieces of … pretty much everything. First, it was myself. Physically. From off my best friend’s kitchen floor (eventually she hauled me up). Then, my hopes, my dreams, my heart. Through the disbelief, the grief and anger, all I have wanted for him was sweet, sweet revenge.

I used to day dream all the time that he would come back to me, shriveled and soaking wet (because he would be caught in a freak thunderstorm, obviously) cold, shivering and miserable on a bitterly cold winter’s day. It would crush his heart when I opened the door to my apartment looking gorgeous and slim and barely dressed (because it would be warm in my apartment!) with a hunka-hunka sweet (and topless) man doing something very manly in the background.

And then, at some unknown point, with me barely even noticing, the revenge dreams stopped. I started to realise that my pain and grief were my own. And that actually, while I was grieving for my lost life. I was also grieving for my lost self – the person I’d thought I always wanted to be. The person I could have been.

I began to realise that I had a lot of my own stuff that I needed to deal with. How did I make such a bad judgment call with him? Who was I without him? What do I work towards now? What did I want for my career? … DID I want a career? What was the meaning of life???

Wading through that stuff has been exhausting! It still reduces me to a helpless freak-ball of tears. Without fail, once a month, you will find me lying naked in my bed with crazy-hair, howling like an orphaned child. Because seriously, discovering the purpose of life is HARD!! And while I haven’t figured it out just yet, I have made awesome discoveries about me – the habits I don’t like, the aspects I want to keep and the person I want to become.

I’ve learnt that I’m ok to be alone, as long as I’m happy. I’ve realised that I want to live a full life – to be the best person that I can be; to travel the world; to enjoy exciting new experiences; to meet incredible people; to cherish every moment and learn what I can from these. I want a lot of things for myself, and I’m finally discovering how to get them ALL ON MY OWN!

I’m starting to see my power, my strength, my courage – my perfect imperfection. I can see that the one thing I have absolute control over is me. I see that I will be happy – because it’s my choice. I am not a victim to life. I am responsible for it. And I am responsible for me.

It’s starting to give me great pride to think that I have faced my worst fear, and to realise that I came out of it just fine! It’s not peaches and roses, but I’ve come a very long way from off that cold cement floor nine months ago. From all this, I have grown, I have changed, I have become a wiser, smarter, stronger, more caring and compassionate, I have stronger bonds with the people in my life. And suddenly the world is a space of infinite possibilities …

… And then last night it hit me. The sweetest revenge would be for my ex to never face a life-changing experience. The sweetest revenge would be for him to never be forced to look at himself; to confront his demons and have the opportunity to overcome them.

The sweetest of sweet revenge would be for him to stay just the same.

 

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


36 Comments leave one →
  1. November 1, 2012 8:47 am

    Great post ! Love how time changes you perspective. Does aditi have a blog we can follow ?

    • Aditi permalink
      November 1, 2012 10:38 am

      Thank you Shantarella! That awful cliche – time heals all wounds – is very true! I don’t have a blog, yet. I have been toying with the idea for a while but just been unsure. I think I will see how well this is received before I make a definitive decision.

  2. Samantha permalink
    November 1, 2012 10:23 am

    Aditi and I were in the same masters program in Scotland, so I have always known her independently of her ex. You can’t ever tell what is going on inside a person, but I do know that the woman I know is strong, determined, and really very caring, and I am very impressed with her. I am just proud of you, Aditi, for becoming the person you always were to me. All my love and strength on your road to finding true inner peace!

    • Aditi permalink
      November 1, 2012 11:49 am

      Oh my Sam! I love you muchly! Thank you for your love…I promise to send you a catch-up mail soon! xxx

  3. November 1, 2012 10:26 am

    Awesome post. I went to high-school with Aditi.
    I don’t think she has a blog of her own though :-(

    • Aditi permalink
      November 1, 2012 11:51 am

      Nope. No blog yet…but maybe soon! :) Glad you liked it, old man! Your opinion means a lot!

  4. November 1, 2012 11:32 am

    Most of us who were wronged by an ex dream of sweet revenge, too. I have to admit, mine were also of the soaked-to-the-bone-in-a-freak-thunderstorm variety (although instead of a topless man doing something manly in my fantasy, it was a topless woman doing something womanly). I have to admit, what you are saying here about the sweetest revenge of all makes perfect sense, and lends an entirely different perspective. Loved this post, thanks for sharing and helping me “see the light!”

  5. Aditi permalink
    November 1, 2012 11:48 am

    Yeah, I felt so liberated by this ‘epiphany’ that I felt it was something I just HAD to share with the world! I hope that it continues to help you as you grow through your experience! xxx

  6. Mari permalink
    November 1, 2012 12:23 pm

    While it would be the sweetest revenge for her ex to always stay the same, inevitably, we all go through a life changing experience at one point or another, and he will have his day! Even sweeter than him never changing would be that she stop caring about whether he changes or he doesn’t because she is too busy being happy with herself and the changes that are taking place in her life.

    Great post, thanks for sharing!! (:

    • Aditi permalink
      November 2, 2012 9:01 am

      I couldn’t agree more! I think its a journey though, of processing things you know intellectually into things that you know intuitively. I hope that I will get there!

  7. November 1, 2012 12:31 pm

    Aditi, you continue to impress me with your insightfulness, honesty, and bravery. Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal experience! I’m always grateful for what I learn from you and from our friendship.

    You should start that blog! I know you’d generate a faithful following in no time!

    • Aditi permalink
      November 1, 2012 1:45 pm

      My darling, thank you! Have you spotted all the grammatical errors? ;) I have picked up a couple…perhaps next time I decide to expose my words to the world I will have the good sense to send it to you first! But we live, we learn! Lots love to you!

  8. November 1, 2012 2:25 pm

    Such an honest, relatable post. I think everyone has gone through a shift at some point. It’s neat to come out on the other side a little wiser and a lot more at peace. Good for you, lady!

  9. November 1, 2012 4:01 pm

    Thanks for this post and the reminder that time does, in fact, heal. You’ve done an amazing job putting yourself back together, and are an inspiration :)

  10. November 1, 2012 8:10 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing. This was so touching and honest, I really appreciated the perspective. I too was looking for some sort of vindication and you helped me realize that vindication can come from within and without inflicting pain or grief. Knowing that he doesn’t know what I know, and he doesn’t know me anymore is a good enough vindication to appreciate. If you have a blog, I would love to read more!!

    • Aditi permalink
      November 2, 2012 2:33 am

      Thank you for your kind words! I think that while being completely unconcerned about him is the ultimate goal, this realization was a good starting point for me to get there. Because, really, my heart takes time to catch up to my head! Now I can let go of the hurt I feel when I see Facebook pics of him being loved-up and happy with her in my house! And that’s a step closer to the ultimate goal! I’m seriously considering a blog, if for nothing else but to have an outlet for my “brain-farts”!

  11. November 1, 2012 8:28 pm

    If you create your own blog as suggested earlier in this thread, then make the blog about your own passions, interests. He’s out of your picture by then. Seriously. Who wants a blog to even talk about him…better to have stuff that you really care about to write naturally well about.

    My best wishes for a fun future ahead.

    • Aditi permalink
      November 2, 2012 2:24 am

      Thanks Jean! I agree with you on this. I get the feeling that this breakup is part of a bigger journey, and while I still have some hurt and anger to work through, once I have done that, other things will become more important…and my blog should be reflective of that.

  12. November 1, 2012 9:10 pm

    Absolutely love it! Perfect imperfections…brilliant! There is a lot of powerfully strong spirit in this post and it is very inspiring. I have to say thank you. and…bless you. I hope your adventure will be amazing every day of your life. To healing and growth!

    • Aditi permalink
      November 2, 2012 2:25 am

      To healing and growth, indeed! Thank you for your kind words! :)

  13. November 1, 2012 9:36 pm

    Absolutely beautiful! And funny and courageous and wise and did I say…amazing! Please write MORE! Sharing is cathartic :-) We reach new heights through traumatic experiences. Everything is a blessing. absolutely everything.

  14. vi_bride04 permalink
    November 2, 2012 12:00 am

    Perfect. Love this – “the sweetest revenge would be him staying the same”

    So true. Thank you for giving me a little more perspective tonight. I really needed it.

  15. Leanne permalink
    November 2, 2012 5:19 am

    Well done Didi. Indeed sweet revenge. x

  16. November 2, 2012 9:45 am

    This: “I started to realise that my pain and grief were my own. And that actually, while I was grieving for my lost life. I was also grieving for my lost self – the person I’d thought I always wanted to be. The person I could have been”

    This is what I’ve been struggling to express, to tackle. I didn’t have many thoughts of revenge. What sent me into a deep deep depression was the grief as you described. It’s not about him, it’s about lost time, bad decisions, closed doors, unrealized potential. The reality of the circle of life. It’s like getting out of jail after having served a long sentence. The freedom isn’t the same freedom it would have been 20 years earlier. It’s not just starting new, it’s starting late. Anyway, great post. Clearly, I’m still in the midst of my grief. It’s comforting to read words to which I can relate.

    • Aditi permalink
      November 5, 2012 7:04 am

      I still think there’s time and now there’s more of a will, to do all of the un-done things…and most importantly, to become the person you want to be…which is still kinda hard to figure out…so now I go with doing the things that bring me a sense of calm and joy.And I think its about starting small, doing what’s doable (for me, right now, that means not procrastinating about doing the dishes and the laundry…I’ll tackle the “how do I save the world” in a few years time when I’m stronger!) :-P

  17. November 2, 2012 9:51 am

    Aditi I really enjoyed your post, sorry you had such an awful breakup but I’m glad that you’ve pulled through the other side with a great new perspective. Good luck to you going forward– I hope you decide to start a blog because you’re a good writer and I really enjoyed your heartfelt style. I started one about a year and a half ago as a way to refocus my perspective and thoughts post-divorce, and it’s connected me with all sorts of cool people, readers and fellow bloggers.

  18. Chevon Erasmus Porter permalink
    November 9, 2012 7:07 am

    You said it: The sweetest revenge is him staying the same and you discovering the dynamite that is Aditi in “a world with infinite possibilities”! You rock sister!!

  19. Swam permalink
    November 17, 2012 9:33 am

    Di!!! You go girl… And, expect an email or 7, soon.
    Muchos love to you.
    Swam.

  20. November 19, 2012 9:42 pm

    Hahaha! So true! I love it! And it is true, also, that we grow the most via these traumatic times…a blessing & a curse.

  21. November 26, 2012 7:55 am

    Another sweet revenge would be to show your ex that you are better off without him.. and that is by truly enjoying life without the setbacks of bitterness. I admire your perspective in in life and the desire to be happy and live the life you’ve always dreamed of.Bravo.You’re one of a kind.Thanks for sharing. More complementary posts at http://inspirationalread.com/relationship-and-dating

  22. December 30, 2012 12:50 pm

    Great inspirational blog. What you have achieved, makes us realize that all our experiences make us what we are, and what you are is a strong, powerful, independent woman. And whatever he is, is not important. Keep going.

  23. June 9, 2013 6:23 am

    Love the post. :) You’re such a strong girl! I wish I could become more like you! :)

  24. Tracy permalink
    August 2, 2013 9:08 am

    I read your story today, which is one my bad days and I truly needed to believe that I will feel better soon. Thank you for sharing it truly helped me today. I wouldlove to know your update on your life. This blogging Is new to me, maybe I will write my own story of my own break up when I am strong enough. Tracy. X

  25. thelostandfounder permalink
    November 22, 2013 12:19 pm

    The part about you laying in bed naked sobbing like an orphan made me laugh out loud. I do that too pretty regularly, but for various reasons. Thanks for sharing :-)

  26. Niyati Melody permalink
    April 23, 2014 7:04 am

    Wow!Much respect and admiration for you being able to pull through such a horrid thing. I’m going to take inspiration from this. xo

  27. Priscilla permalink
    August 25, 2014 11:00 pm

    Great, empowering blog. Your story makes me feel a whole lot better knowing that knows who’ve been through even more than myself can move forward after a relationship ends.

    My blog: http://pipi94.blog.com/

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