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Self-Worth vs. “True Love”

January 8, 2013

Hello and Happy New Year! Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Sanika, an 18 year old currently living in Mumbai, India. Sanika is about to head off to college in the UK to study journalism and recently started a blog of funny and emotional stories. I hope you enjoy her guest post – please show her some love in the comments!

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

Simply Solo Spotlight: Self-Worth vs. “True Love”

We have all gone through the internal struggle of trying to decide when to say, “enough is enough,” how many chances is one too many, and trying to decide if the pain we are repeatedly subjected to is worth it. Simultaneously, we have all made the mistake of not saying, “enough!” giving away too many chances, and undervaluing ourselves whilst clinging onto the idea of the relationship.

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Recently, I was able to think objectively about this after seeing someone else go through this struggle, and what I saw both baffled and angered me.

First, it is important to understand that at some point or another, everyone is going to make a mistake in a relationship. At the end of the day, no matter how hard we try, we are all human. We make mistakes. We say or do the wrong thing; we take a lot of stuff for granted; we don’t give enough credit where it’s due; we get angry for petty reasons; we cheat and lie; our ego gets in the way. So no one should be naïve enough to think that these things won’t happen, because they are too much in love to do anything that would hurt their significant other and vice versa.

The unanswerable question is how many times can we forgive mistakes? There’s no mathematical formula that links the number of mistakes, pain caused by mistakes, and happiness felt in the relationship to give you a final answer “YES” or “NO” as to whether you should call it a day and move on. We are all required to make one judgment call after the other, and often our judgment is simply wrong (something we all painfully realize in the end).

Not surprisingly, I’ve seen that the more people value themselves and the more they believe they deserve, the less bullshit they will tolerate in a relationship. This makes perfect sense. If you truly believe that you don’t deserve to be treated a certain way, and you truly believe that there is someone out there who won’t subject you to this kind off hurt and confusion, then why would you stick around for more of the same?

Unfortunately, very few people have enough confidence and faith to understand that. Most of us are lonely, and we don’t believe we are good enough for a number of things, so we let too many things slide. We let people hurt us, and sometimes we even blame ourselves for others’ mistakes. This is exactly what I saw happening, and it made me sad, angry, and exasperated because no one deserves to be treated badly in exchange for the overrated comfort of a few good moments. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, so to see it happening to my close friend, well you can all imagine what that felt like.

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So I just want to make a universal announcement right now. We are all good enough, we all deserve people that understand us with all our quirks and bad habits and insecurities, and no one should have their heart broken repeatedly by the same person who doesn’t know how to learn from their mistakes. Please don’t be afraid to want more than that.

I know that being single can sometimes be lonely, but it beats being hurt, confused, heartbroken, and feeling lonely even when you are in a relationship.

I hope that this will help some of you to strive for the happiness of which you are worthy. I hope that in the future, if someone takes one too many swings at your heart, you will know to point them toward the nearest exit.

How many times have you given someone a second, third, fourth chance? How many chances do you think is acceptable before calling it quits?

Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


31 Comments leave one →
  1. Don Luciano permalink
    January 8, 2013 8:34 am

    What’s your address want to send you my new magazine

    Sent from my iPhone

    • January 8, 2013 10:03 am

      Would LOVE to see it! I’ll send you an email now with my address.

  2. January 8, 2013 9:06 am

    Reblogged this on Sanika Blogs and commented:
    My guest post on Simply Solo :)

  3. January 8, 2013 9:14 am

    This is a very heart felt post Sanika. I think you have managed to point out exactly why people stay in relationships even when it no longer makes sense. I am guilty of it too. It is extremely important to know your own self worth before you walk into a relationship otherwise you start using the other person’s reflection of who you are to define your self worth, and at some point you become so reliant on it that you let slide much more than you should. There is no sure answer of how many chances someone should give someone or not. Every relationship is different, and every person’s level of self worth, patience and independence varies. If you want to maintain your self worth, my personal experience is maintain your independence, financially and emotionally. It could save you much heartache and bad choices down the road. Thank you very much for the post Sanika. It helps to know there are some people who do understand!

    • January 8, 2013 10:13 am

      Thank you so much! I agree with you completely, if you are independent and successful in the aspects of your life other than your relationship it will help you realise what you truly deserve and what you are worth, so you will not settle for less. And whatever happens there are always other people going through the same thing, and this is how we help each other out. Hopefully this post can be a wake up call for some of the people reading it about the relationships in their lives and what they truly deserve. :) xo

  4. January 8, 2013 9:33 am

    My answer to the question of how many times and chances…. way too many. It’s still happening. :-(

    • January 8, 2013 10:08 am

      Thats the universal truth sadly :( but I think this is a trial and error process, you are supposed to make mistakes so that you can know better in the future. Hopefully one day all of us can figure out how to deal with these situations. Thanks for liking my post :) xo

  5. January 8, 2013 10:22 am

    My apologies for my lengthy comment but I’m passionate on this subject.

    Sanika’s friend & all of us who’ve been in that position: that dilemma of 1, 2, or 3-strikes & your out, have at least 2 significant factors to seriously consider. One, does your “forgiveness trigger” slide in relation to your own level of mistakes? In other words, are your own expectations of how to be treated balanced with your expectations of how you treat your “love”? Are we that acutely self-aware, honestly? And second, whether our own “forgiveness trigger” fluctuates from year-to-year or becomes increasingly higher & rigid with years of personal experience, does its tipping-point or flushing-point reflect fairness among our societal candidates? Keep in mind that we have limited “influence” upon society’s candidates for our True Love — in fact, if our standard improves too high in wanting to avoid deep hurt & disappointment, we gradually put our self out of reach of other forms of love, or possibly any love at all.

    What I’ve found to be most realistic year-to-year is to balance your expectations as precisely as possible without sacrificing who you truly are…remembering though the higher your expectations, the higher your level of tolerance, patience, forgiveness, and memory-loss you will need to acquire! And is that a bad thing? What’s so ironic is that EVERYTHING in this world & universe is in perpetual change, even ourselves and all those around us. Funny isn’t it? ;)

    • January 8, 2013 10:58 am

      I’m really glad you pointed out these things.

      If only all of us could be self aware enough to adjust our expectations and the things we let slide based on our own behaviour and a general evaluation of the relationship. But unfortunately very few people reach this level of harmony with themselves, so instead we end up making too many mistakes and bad judgements.
      Also it is of course important not to keep your standards too high because we are all imperfect, so as I mentioned in the post it is important to understand that people will make mistakes but we need to make sure we don’t let too many of them slide. The ironic problem is that if we keep our standards too high we may be missing out on what could have been a great relationship, but on the other hand if we keep our standards too low we are accepting less than we deserve, so either way we are not getting the love we are worthy of. There has to be a balance, and finding this balance is the hardest thing.

      I think that taking some time once in a while to really evaluate your relationship is the best you can do. Love is obviously not a numbers game where you do things for people based on what they have done for you, but if you find that you are always the one making sacrifices and putting up with less than you deserve then its time to let go.

      Thank you for liking my post :) xo

      • January 8, 2013 5:27 pm

        More great insights Sanika! Hopefully your post & our comments have shed a bit more light, wisdom, and hope, huh?

        • January 9, 2013 12:14 am

          Yes I really hope so :) We all need a little help some times. xo

    • January 15, 2013 2:34 pm

      It’s truly amazing how we change throughout life and how tolerant/less tolerant we become as we get to know ourselves. I think that the second step after knowing ourselves is to know the other person, once you understand certain things and “understand ” that this is how they are, we then decide if we want it or not. Great story@Sanika and reply@proftaboo

  6. January 8, 2013 12:02 pm

    Reblogged this on Discovering Different and commented:
    This is awesome.

  7. January 8, 2013 1:16 pm

    This is a wonderful post. Just last night I wrote a post on true self. I found a lot of commonality between our thoughts. Kudos!
    Best to you,
    Ryan

  8. January 8, 2013 10:57 pm

    I love this post. I have tried second and third chances a lot in the past, and it took a couple of tries before I finally realized that it was more painful to stay in bad relationships than it was lonely (sometimes) to be alone and not settle. I’m glad you’ve learned this at such a young age. It took me into my 30s to really get it!

    • January 9, 2013 12:17 am

      Well I know that understanding this in theory and actually applying this in real life can be two completely different things so I hope that I remember these things when I actually enter serious relationships. It might take me a while to successfully apply my own advice. Thank you for liking this! :) xo

  9. January 9, 2013 1:20 am

    Sanika, you’re really 18? You’re well ahead of the game, girlfriend. As a 22 year old woman, I’m aware I’m very young myself, but sometimes feel SO exhausted by the relationships coming in and out of my life. It’s funny because earlier tonight I was looking through an old journal where I reference “learning to decide when enough is enough.” And after I read it, I couldn’t believe I wrote those words and yet still allow myself to be drug around again and again. It’s really unfortunate, however, it takes strong will power and commitment to your future well-being, which sometimes is hard to keep in the fore front of your mind. It’s easy to fall for the chase, or prevention of boredom, rather than looking after your own future heart. Thank you for the honest and genuinely kind reminder, Sanika, and thank you Catherine for sharing.

    • January 10, 2013 12:09 pm

      Well a lot of what I have talked about comes from observation rather than actual experience so I hope I will be able to apply this to myself too! I just think it’s vital to take care of yourself first even though so many other things may seem more important. I’m so glad you liked my post :) xo

  10. Payal permalink
    January 9, 2013 11:59 pm

    I’ve been in a relationship for two years with this guy who was my childhood crush. . But I was just 16 when I started going out with him. I didn’t even understand what a relationship entails. And now that things seems clearer to me, I feel dissatisfied. He loves me a lot, I’m sure of it. And I love him dearly too. But his attitude towards me hurts a lot at times. Our relationship just seems unbalanced! Like I’m the one trying and failing and crying. I’m not someone who can just ignore it if something feels wrong. But, whenever I try to talk to him about how things feel weird, he
    a)acts evasive
    b)indifferent or,
    c)claims I have anger issues.
    Each time he hurts me by not calling back or forgetting my birthday gift (seriously. It’s been 3 months and still no gift :/), I wonder what I’m doing with someone who clearly doesn’t behave like he values me enough. Each time, I melt. It seems petty, right? But these li’l gestures matter so much. . I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not even ready for a relationship. But then, even the thought of letting him go, makes me physically sick, no matter how he treats me.
    He broke up with me last year because he was scared about the way he felt about me. He apologized later and we got together after 5 months. I feel like a saint because I welcomed him back after everything he put me through (and that too, without good reason). His decision to break up was sudden and so was his decision to get back with me. Truth is, he is the one controlling this relationship. I don’t feel like his equal. It was silly of me to jump at a fresh chance without thinking carefully. Maybe we just aren’t ready for something mature.
    My life has just started. I wanna focus on “:me” and being happy minus the confusion and worries. But I can’t let him go either. I’ve never been so confused in life. Maybe I should go with the flow and see what happens later.
    *shrugs*

  11. Payal permalink
    January 10, 2013 12:00 am

    *things seem clearer to me.
    Sorry :)

  12. Tori Bradley permalink
    January 10, 2013 6:41 pm

    This is so important for people to realize! Sometimes it really is better to be alone and focus on yourself then to depend on someone else to make you happy. I have seen so many people do this and its so sad. I myself was in a situation that it took too long to get out of. Great advice! I have just finished a breakup book I plan to publish soon. I hope to inspire people every where to put the past behind, see an unhealthy relationship for what it is and move on to a brighter future. Wonderful post!

  13. January 16, 2013 9:41 pm

    Preach girl! Its funny hows my sister and I had the same
    conversation about this same topic! We all forget that we are worth
    so much more than what we sometimes receive. Sometimes we do have
    the confidence to see how truly amazing we really are. But in the
    end we are all a work in progress. I love that you wrote about
    this, great post :-)

  14. March 17, 2013 12:02 am

    There are barely words to describe how much I can resonate with this post. I am in that exact situation right now, I’ve let this guy hurt me twice now, and the worst part is that I would let him do it again if the opportunity arose. I know deep down that it’s time to, as you said show him the exit, but I, like many other girls, put him on such a high pedestal that I can’t figure out how to just drop it and move on. I know I’m worth more, and that I deserve someone who sees how great I am, but it’s all easier said than done. What a great topic to write about, I loved it thank you!

  15. Elle Cee permalink
    June 11, 2014 9:27 pm

    For someone so young, so wise!!! I used to say that all the time when I was not the outsider! I hope if you ever find yourself in that situation that you actually do follow your advice…all I am saying is that it is sometimes easier said than done. But from my own experience how many chances depends on the person…when you will know when enough is ENOUGH!

    • Elle Cee permalink
      June 11, 2014 9:33 pm

      Sorry let me clarify what I wrote!: “I used to say that all the time when I was NOT in the situation but the person on the outside looking in” and in the last sentence: “your enough will be when you have had ENOUGH!” that with so much clarity and surrender that you have no other option but to say NO!!!

Trackbacks

  1. Self-Worth vs. “True Love” | The Last Single Girl
  2. Dicas de Blogueiras II – internacional « fantasticomundodecarol
  3. Some Light Reading? | Sanika Blogs

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