Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

Simply Solo Spotlight: Finding My Voice

I remember, maybe, vaguely, faintly, having a voice at one time in my life. It may have been when I was born and learned to cry, which is one’s first means of vocal communication. Somewhere along life’s path, I lost my voice. I allowed it to be taken from me and I freely gave it up without realizing or thinking about it. I’m not sure exactly where and when that happened but, if I trace it back, I am sure it was in my early, formative years. Isn’t that the acceptable answer? Blame things on others and early childhood experiences, in other words, our parents, siblings, society, and upbringing.

Joan says her experience has been like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon. Photo courtesy of Greg Foster

Well my friends, let me tell you, I found and reclaimed my voice. Yes, after being separated for more than 60 years, I found it and treasure it more because something so precious that was lost for so long is now back with its rightful owner – ME. Trust me when I say if any attempt is ever made to remove or wrestle it from me, there will be so much wrath leveled upon the offender they will never regroup. My promise to myself as my own best friend and to my voice is I will never let life, circumstances, or anyone rob me of my voice again. I now have a voice to say what I want, need, and expect. Additionally, life experiences have given me the abilities to think independently, stand on my own two feet, and clearly articulate my wants, needs, desires, and dreams.

After all is said and done, I am sure the events of the past two and a half years played a major part in finding and reclaiming my voice. Curious minds may want to know what happened during this time. Well, you don’t need to read the Enquirer, as you won’t find it there. Also, you don’t need to listen to gossip, as we all know how gossip chains work. How much credibility do they have? Less than none in my book, which I could put in analytic terms such as R-Value, Confidence Interval, etc., but I won’t bore you with those. Gossip chains thrive on DRAMA, which is always more intriguing than just the plain Jane facts, ma’am.

What are the plain Jane facts, ma’am? Bottom Line Up Front (BLUF as we like to call it) is that after 43.5 years of marriage; 48-49 of relationship; surviving the trials and tribulations of military life in support of (ISO) my soldier husband’s military career; raising a tight-knit, loving family and the two most absolutely marvelous children a mother could ever wish for let alone have; losing our first Grandson under devastating circumstances; arrival of precious Grandchildren; medical issues ranging from the routine and minor to the not so minor such as a mini-stroke suffered by my loving husband; and finally setting a target date to step into retirement, I found myself no longer the cherished and loved wife and person I’d always believed I was. Yes, it rocked my world and a lot of others’ that are near and dear to me.

However, life goes on, we put one foot in front of the other; endure the mourning process for the loss of the old life and everything we built together, the plans, hopes and dreams of retirement, and begin a new chapter in life on a fresh page, creating new memories while cherishing fond memories of days gone by.

I learned a lot through life experiences and the breakup of a long-term relationship with the only man I ever truly loved other than my father. What happened? Who knows (do you see my shoulder shrug and eye roll here?). To begin my journey transitioning from what I thought, for the most part, was a happy marriage, I had to determine what was in my hands and sphere of influence to control. Knowing that I cannot make someone love me, how do I accept the rejection (as I saw it then) and step out on my own?

Please keep in mind my comment on “as I saw it then” because it is not how I see it now, two and a half years later, much wiser and stronger. I was brought up that in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, is how life and marriage is. Divorce was a big red-letter word and instant ostracization (black-balling) from the entire community and world. The big scarlet letter “D” was stamped on a woman’s forehead for the entire world to see.

Luckily for me, that is no longer the case and divorce is more the rule than how I was raised believing that you make the best of everything. In other words, if life isn’t to your liking, well then, live in a self-created dream world. Is that what I did? Again, who knows? I just know that a lifetime of love, happiness, relationships, hopes, and dreams were destroyed and thrown away like trash in a matter of seconds with no recognizable forewarning. Talk about sudden death….WHEW!!.

Well, getting back to the original topic of my voice, again, I am not sure of the exact time or circumstances under which I discovered it missing and reclaimed it, but I know it was somewhere in the last two years. Where was my voice all those years? It must have been hiding somewhere within my mind, body, soul, or maybe someone had it in safe-keeping for me when I eventually realized that I lost it, needed it and now was equipped to use it. Maybe it was my sister, my Mom, my Dad, or some other loved one who departed this life. However it returned, I thank my lucky stars, the planets, constellations, and any other entity(ies) that played a hand in its return. You know, maybe it was Aunt Jo, who I loved dearly and always looked out for me too. As a child, I remember wishing with all my heart that I could go live with her. I rest assured in the belief that we will all be reunited, just as I was with my voice.

Having my voice back allows me to stand on my own two feet and, in my newfound clear voice, state what I:

• Want: to be treated with respect, honesty, and dignity in all actions and communications; to be loved and respected for who I am, not who someone thinks I “should be.”
• Expect: to have my voice heard; what I say listened to and respected, even if you disagree; to afford the same courtesy and respect to those whose voice I hear.
• Need: to ensure my wants and expectations are met; be my own best friend.

I also found my voice can quite clearly articulate that if one cannot interact with me respectfully, honestly, and cherish our friendship; they are not worthy of my friendship or time. I hear my voice as it tells those who don’t treat me kindly, in a loving manner, to MOVE ON OUT of MY life. Yes, because it is—it is MY life!

Is Divorce and the choices people make good or bad? I’ll leave that to the sociologists and behavioral scientists to debate. In the meantime, I can say unequivocally that it was the right path for me as I emerge a new person, free to experience life, make my own choices, take care of myself, and not worry about taking care of, picking up after, cooking for, doing laundry for… anyone but me. Yes, it is a little bit selfish…but is that bad? Ask the professionals that one too…I’m too busy enjoying life and looking forward to my next adventure to worry about it. Some will say that is really being hedonistic…but again, I punt that to the pros and everyone else to worry about. See you all on the happy side….:-)

Oh dear! What? Did I hear someone say something about hogwash and sour grapes? Whoa! Rest assured the “hogs” are either out of my life or well on their way. Don’t waste your time or money, as I don’t need anything to wash them with. As for “Sour Grapes,” heck, I turned them into a mighty fine beverage of choice a long time ago that I now share with special people in my life – those who truly love me, like me for who I am, and respect my voice as well as the person I’ve become. Life is good and getting better for my voice and me, just like the finest wine.

Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Today we have a guest post from relationship expert Dr. Michelle Callahan, who will share tips for dealing with a break up when the stakes are high – when you live together.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

How to Decide Who Stays and Who Goes after a Break Up

February can be hard on folks – coupled and uncoupled alike. The couples have to deal with the pressure and expense that Cupid inevitably brings and the uncoupled often feel they are actually celebrating “Singles Awareness Day.” What about those in between love and loathing though? It’s hard enough going from fairy tale to “it’s complicated” or “it’s over” without being (circumstantially) forced to live together too!

According to a survey of 1,000 renters issued by Rent.com, 38% of renters have ended a personal relationship with someone while still living together and 62% of those stayed for a month or much longer (up to a year!).

Other findings from the survey:

• The majority of renters, 56%, said that actually moving all of their stuff was the hardest to deal with in terms of the logistics.
• More than any other reason offered, 33% of renters said they stayed because they couldn’t find another apartment they could afford.
• 32% of renters said that if they were to move in with someone again, they would save more money in case it didn’t work out – more than any other precaution.

Dr. Michelle Callahan, relationship expert, has created tips for the recently-singled to decide how to split the goods so they can split for good:

• Who lived there first?  Probably the easiest way to determine who should get the space is to decide based on who lived there first. The person whose name is on the lease usually gets first priority. If the person whose name is on the lease decides to give the space to their partner, that person should be sure to get the lease transferred to their name so they have a legal right to live there.
• Who can afford to move?  A recent study conducted by Rent.com found that 33 percent of renters said they continued to live with their former partner after a break up because they couldn’t find an apartment they could afford.  After sharing rent and household expenses, it becomes a challenge for people to save enough money to find an apartment they can afford on their own, in addition to moving expenses and a new security deposit.
• Who needs the space? If one person works from home or cares for children or pets living in the home, that person likely has a greater need to maintain consistency and remain at that location. If the apartment is particularly close to one person’s job, that’s another benefit that might tip the scales in their direction.
• Who loves the space the most?  Sometimes one person has grown very personally attached to the space. They may have invested a lot of time in decorating or selecting that apartment and as a result they feel more attached to the space.
• Who wants to separate sooner than later? The breakup may be more painful for one partner than the other. In that case, the person who finds it hardest to share the physical space with their ex may be more likely to voluntarily leave the apartment in the interest of their own well-being.

Below is an infographic with some more details on breaking up while you live together.

Have you ever lived with someone after you broke it off? Why did you keep living with him/her?

Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

“I Have a New Girl” – My Personal Wakeup Call

I never considered love and relationship as priorities.  In fact, I prided myself in not being “one of those girls.”  You know, the ones who are so romantically involved with their boyfriends, it’s almost like they have tunnel vision.  Then they cry and are miserable when it’s over, and of course I’m there to support them, ‘coz that’s what friends do.  And though I won’t say it out loud, I’m thinking, “About time you got rid of that jerk.” 

I was the girl with this invisible force field around her.  But love finds a way and when it hits, it hits hard.  At least it hit me hard. 

It started out perfectly, as it should.  He was perfect, as he should be.  Now the honeymoon period usually lasts for six months.  Ours lasted about a month and a half.  He started to distance himself, but I thought that was normal.  I let him be, but I wanted to be assured that he was still there.  I would call him, I would text him, and I couldn’t help but think that I was starting to act like a clingy girlfriend.

“There’s something about him that I don’t like.  I think he’s going to hurt you.”

That was the opinion of one of my closest friends (let’s call her Sandy).  She said she didn’t like my boyfriend because she could sense that he was not right for me.  It’s amazing how your friends can see things that you can’t.  But that’s what friends do and that’s what I did when it came to their relationships.  And like a good friend, I listened to her, but I didn’t believe her.  I should have known better.

Eight months of heartache, of wondering if he’s going to call me, of listening to him criticize me, of knowing that it’s time to let go, but damn it, I’m hooked!  I became my own worst nightmare – the clingy girlfriend who couldn’t let go and couldn’t survive without her boyfriend.  He wanted to break up, but I couldn’t!  It’s like he became my lifeline and no matter how bad treated me, I couldn’t let him go.  I didn’t want to let him walk away and leave me behind.

I felt helpless, hopeless, and disgusted with myself.  I’m an adult, damn it!  But love does hit hard.  Funny thing is, breakups hit harder.

“I have a new girl.”

Photo courtesy of Moritz Petersen

He texted me those very words after I finally asked him why he was being like this.  What had changed?  Well, I got my answer.  It was 5:35 am on a Friday and I became wide awake.  I didn’t feel angry, or hurt, or betrayed.  I was in shock and before I knew it, my fingers started moving.  I deleted his number from my phone.  I couldn’t do it before when I was too busy holding on to him.  But I guess the words “I have a new girl” have that effect on me.

I met Sandy at our business, our own little Internet café.  She immediately knew something was up, but I told her I was just tired.  When our shop closed for the night, I broke down.  The numbness was gone and there was just pain.  I couldn’t help but think, “Why the hell do people keep falling in love when this is what could await them?”  My friends were right, I should have just let go.  I kept thinking it was my fault, I did this to myself.  If I wasn’t such an idiot and just agreed to break up with him, I wouldn’t be this crying, sniffling mess.

Sandy told me I was going to be okay.  I didn’t believe her.  But again she was right.  But it took so long, I don’t know how those characters in the movies did it.  But breakups can’t be solved with ice cream and chocolate.  The pain doesn’t go away in 3 weeks, then you find someone else.  Sometimes, it takes longer.

In my case, it took me nearly 2 years.  But I realized something about myself.  I’m a lot stronger that I thought.  I held on for dear life, I crashed and burned, but I survived the breakup. 

It’s nearly impossible to let go of someone you love.  He may not be the one for you, he may treat you badly, but still you’re one of those girls with tunnel vision.  I saw him in a different light, I thought the relationship wasn’t that bad.  But like they say, love is blind.  I couldn’t see what others saw and so I held on.

I guess all I needed was a wake up.  “I have a new girl” was like a punch in the gut.  It woke me up from the illusion that what I had was worth it.  And now the tunnel vision is gone.  He’s not my world anymore.  Lesson learned: we all have to wake up sometime.

What about you?  What was your wake up call from a relationship?  How do you know when it’s time to let go?

Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Your guest blogger, Laura!

This week’s guest post is written by Laura Thomson-Bache, a British-born New Zealand marketing graduate planning on spending the next few years traveling the globe. Laura loves painting, all forms of chocolate and hopes to one day have a successful blog and PR career. You can read about Laura’s adventures on her Tumblr account.Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

Simply Solo Spotlight: Surviving a Long Distance Breakup

I remember reading blog posts a year ago warning me of the turmoil long distance relationships bring. At the time, I was in the midst of head-over-heels love for my then-boyfriend. He would be moving back home to the other side of the world soon enough, abandoning me to finish my degree as he had finished his here in New Zealand. I remember thinking to myself, “We’re not like all those other couples. We’ll be able to handle the late night Skype sessions, the ongoing calls for hugs and kisses that won’t be answered. Our love is what keeps us together – not hands!”

A year later, and I’m coming up with excuses to encourage him to break up with me. I’m a wuss avoiding the potential burden of regret as the breaker-upper. I’m telling him I won’t be able to move to Canada for another year, it’s too expensive, it’s not going to work. And he agreed. He accepted what I said and we broke up. I cried over Skype, begging him to join me in my sudden resurgent wish to fix us, a mere grasp at straws for the fear of being alone and unloved. We haven’t spoken since.

Long-distance sucks, well and truly. Whilst in the relationship, the need for stronger trust and dedication to keeping in constant contact can be tiring and disillusioning. Whilst you’re getting ready for bed, they are just getting up, ready to do something with their day without you. The relationship is an attempt to mesh two worlds that don’t align. Because of this, I had made the decision after much brain wracking that I would visit him. Despite this decision requiring me to miss weeks of classes and spend all of my savings, I thought, “It’s worth it. This is the love of my life and we’ve come this far already. This is going to be an amazing trip that will cement our relationship’s strength and will create beautiful memories.”

Little did I know, whilst I was in Canada, the so-called “love of my life” would continue to display characteristics I thought would long be gone by now, characteristics that should disappear when you’ve put so much into the commitment of another from great distance. Something that shouldn’t be happening when this distance is finally closed and you have a long lovely month to appreciate each other’s company.

I was wrong. Touching up girls in sexually inappropriate ways, sending flirty sweet texts professing his love to girls who were not me; this was not what I signed up for. My mind was constantly thinking things over and spinning round in circles during my trip. If he was doing this while I was living in his home, what on earth was he like when I was back at mine on the other side of the world?! The demise of my trust for him was on its way, and by the time I had arrived back home, my trust was practically non-existent. Hence, I pushed us into arguments with lies that I couldn’t return to Canada, just so I didn’t have to deal with being called a “whining, complaining girlfriend” for bringing such “petty” things up as I had experienced before. He thinks we broke up because of the distance and the arguments. In reality, we broke up because I realized I didn’t deserve to feel like an idiot.

Considering I am usually an emotional wreck post-any situation that causes the slightest bit of stress, I have been recovering rather well over the past few months. I had this vision of my recovery post-breakup; an aftermath of countless months lying in bed and a red, puffy face stuffed with ice cream. The reality has been significantly less movie-esque. My heart sometimes aches, but instead of aching for him like I thought it would, it is more a deep sadness that he stole a year of my life. A year that could have been spent with someone who respected me enough to be faithful and wouldn’t crush my self-esteem in the process.

I have learnt a lot about long-distance relationships and the ensuing breakups. There are both pros and cons of having a breakup with a partner on the other side of the world. Whilst you’re not going to bump into your ex and your surroundings are unlikely to remind you of them, a relationship built so strongly on constant conversations and an emotional rather than a physical bond leaves you feeling empty inside when it is torn away, something a simple rebound just cannot replace. This however has forced me to seek new avenues to fill the void that is heartbreak. I’m planning my travels to new continents, signed up for classes over the summer, and I’m bettering myself day by day by putting time into me, rather than a dead relationship.

Having no contact has helped a lot, and is easier to maintain in a long distance breakup. No contact allows you to distance yourself from the memories rather than constantly creating new ones through ongoing conversations with an ex-partner about their new life without you! Simply block all avenues of online and mobile conversation and voila, you are free from the unwarranted misery that drunk dialling/Facebook stalking can cause.

As I graduate and figure out my plans for traveling the world, I’ve realised I don’t need my ex and I never did. I have put things into perspective and realised that if we stayed together, I would have moved to Canada to be with him. I would have been adopted by his friends, adopted as a part of HIS life – I wouldn’t be making mine. In long distance relationships, there is always this notion of sacrifice. I have learnt that although I’m willing to sacrifice money and time for a long distance relationship, I’m not willing to sacrifice my dignity, self-respect, or my life.

What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve made to maintain a long distance relationship? Do you think recovery is easier or more difficult post-LDR breakup?

Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

Simply Solo Spotlight: Self-Worth vs. “True Love”

We have all gone through the internal struggle of trying to decide when to say, “enough is enough,” how many chances is one too many, and trying to decide if the pain we are repeatedly subjected to is worth it. Simultaneously, we have all made the mistake of not saying, “enough!” giving away too many chances, and undervaluing ourselves whilst clinging onto the idea of the relationship.

Recently, I was able to think objectively about this after seeing someone else go through this struggle, and what I saw both baffled and angered me.

First, it is important to understand that at some point or another, everyone is going to make a mistake in a relationship. At the end of the day, no matter how hard we try, we are all human. We make mistakes. We say or do the wrong thing; we take a lot of stuff for granted; we don’t give enough credit where it’s due; we get angry for petty reasons; we cheat and lie; our ego gets in the way. So no one should be naïve enough to think that these things won’t happen, because they are too much in love to do anything that would hurt their significant other and vice versa.

The unanswerable question is how many times can we forgive mistakes? There’s no mathematical formula that links the number of mistakes, pain caused by mistakes, and happiness felt in the relationship to give you a final answer “YES” or “NO” as to whether you should call it a day and move on. We are all required to make one judgment call after the other, and often our judgment is simply wrong (something we all painfully realize in the end).

Not surprisingly, I’ve seen that the more people value themselves and the more they believe they deserve, the less bullshit they will tolerate in a relationship. This makes perfect sense. If you truly believe that you don’t deserve to be treated a certain way, and you truly believe that there is someone out there who won’t subject you to this kind off hurt and confusion, then why would you stick around for more of the same?

Unfortunately, very few people have enough confidence and faith to understand that. Most of us are lonely, and we don’t believe we are good enough for a number of things, so we let too many things slide. We let people hurt us, and sometimes we even blame ourselves for others’ mistakes. This is exactly what I saw happening, and it made me sad, angry, and exasperated because no one deserves to be treated badly in exchange for the overrated comfort of a few good moments. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, so to see it happening to my close friend, well you can all imagine what that felt like.

So I just want to make a universal announcement right now. We are all good enough, we all deserve people that understand us with all our quirks and bad habits and insecurities, and no one should have their heart broken repeatedly by the same person who doesn’t know how to learn from their mistakes. Please don’t be afraid to want more than that.

I know that being single can sometimes be lonely, but it beats being hurt, confused, heartbroken, and feeling lonely even when you are in a relationship.

I hope that this will help some of you to strive for the happiness of which you are worthy. I hope that in the future, if someone takes one too many swings at your heart, you will know to point them toward the nearest exit.

How many times have you given someone a second, third, fourth chance? How many chances do you think is acceptable before calling it quits?

Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

I’ve been way too busy at work to focus on Simply Solo, so it’s taken me far too long to write up my interview. I wanted to make sure I posted this before the holiday, though, because Alana has some great advice to share, and her life story is incredibly interesting. Maybe you know someone who would like this book as a stocking stuffer?

Alana’s life is truly a rags to riches story. She grew up in a poor, rural part of Texas. When she was 19, she was raped at knifepoint. This experience gave Alana the courage she needed to get away from Texas, move to New York and become a Ford model. According to the book’s description, Rearview Mirror chronicles Alana’s “unstable, chaotic childhood, her traumatic sexual abuse, and her struggles with bulimia, depression, and self-confidence. She also writes about her marriages and divorces with two iconic stars, actor George Hamilton and singer Rod Stewart, raising three children on her own, the devastating effects of drug addiction in her family, and the tragic deaths of her mother as well as her best friend, Farrah Fawcett.”

Alana and I spent much of our interview talking about surviving divorce and heartache. “A good amount of my book is about heartache,” Alana told me. “Some people think that if you are a celebrity, you don’t feel it as much. It’s always difficult to go through a breakup – your heart is hurting, and nothing makes you feel better.” One of the hardest parts of her divorces, too, was that she had to see her heartache plastered all over the magazines. “It’s kind of humiliating,” she admitted.

What’s the best cure for heartache?

Alana told me that her breakup with Rod Stewart was transformational and incredibly hurtful for her. She realized in the breakup that she had not dealt with many issues of her past, and they all came back up.

During this particularly tough time, Alana met with a minister, who told her, “If you get involved in any spiritual teaching and study for two years, your life will change for the better.” After this, Alana used her breakup as an opportunity to heal herself spiritually, through mediating and reading inspirational writings.

Breaking the cycle – “I’ve always been attracted to unavailable men.”

Alana admitted that she’s always been attracted to unavailable men. She has had a pattern of pursuing one man after another who wasn’t available for a consistent, stable, nurturing relationship – whether they were a workaholic, alcoholic, cheater, whatever.

Alana noted that we tend to seek out men who are like our fathers, and that therapy and twelve step programs have helped in her journey to get to know herself and finally address the deep secrets she’s kept her whole life. “Therapy is helpful for anyone who has grown up around alcoholism or drug addiction. Therapy helped me understand my patterns. Twelve step programs changed my life. Hearing your own story in various forms over and over makes you feel less alone.”

The result of all this work? “I think today I know what love is,” Alana says. “I had no clue when I was younger. I would fall passionately in love with someone, but I didn’t have a deep relationship with either of my husbands, because I was emotionally unavailable myself.”

What makes for a healthy relationship?

Alana says the most important things you must have in your relationship include kindness, respect and appreciation.

Communication is also essential to a relationship – the ability to “talk to each other about yourselves, your deepest feelings. A relationship cannot be focused on the other person in an unhealthy way, but in a healthy way. You have to want the best in them, and not want to change them. You have to accept men as who they are and support them and celebrate who they are, as opposed to looking for all the things that are wrong [with them].”

Alana is currently single. As we talked about marriage, she said, “I don’t think marriage is meant to last forever. Some may, but sometimes I feel like marriage is to provide a lesson for you. Sometimes it’s possible to learn your lesson, and then move on.”

Alana’s love lessons for Simply Solo readers
“The one thing I would advise is to get to know someone before you get involved,” Alana said when I asked what love lessons she wanted to share with my readers. “If you get involved too quickly with someone without getting to know who he is, you set yourself up for disappointment.”

“Do something to help you grow as a person. So many young women are looking for that man, that man is the answer. I don’t think that any one person can ever be the answer. You need to make yourself a more well-rounded person, not hope for someone else to fill in the spaces. Then you can meet someone.”

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

How To Make Friends After a Breakup

If you’ve been through a breakup, you probably know how lonely it can feel after “he” or “she” is no longer part of your life.

That void that your partner leaves behind starts to scare you and make you feel a little depressed.

The best way to avoid feeling that boring, depressing void is to meet more friends, more often.

But, as it so often happens, when you are in a relationship, you tend to spend less and less time with your friends. You barely have time for your close friends… and NO time for casual friends.

So, after you break up, you ask yourself, “Where are my friends?” By that time, you realize two things… one: you need to “catch up with your friends,” and two: you are late!

So it’s time to make some new friends, right?

But, how do we usually feel after a breakup? A little down on confidence, vulnerable, and lonely… is that a good emotional state for making new friends? NOOOOOO.

LONELINESS IS A TRICKY BASTARD

By some weird biological mechanism, loneliness “tricks” your mind into believing that:

• Going to meet people is dangerous
• You’re going to get rejected if you go to socialize

If you don’t believe me, go ask John Cacioppo, who spent something like 20 years studying every aspect of loneliness. And while you’re at it, make sure you get an autographed version of his great 330-page book, named “Loneliness.”

THREE SOLID TIPS TO MAKE FRIENDS AFTER A BREAKUP

#1 Avoid “The Loneliness Trap”

The loneliness trap is a concept I named after what happens to us when we get lonely. Your mind “tricks” you into believing that you need to get away from people. Which makes you even lonelier, which makes you fear people even more… and it can go on like that for years.

I’ve seen people start to really think that there is something wrong with them, when in fact, they’re just trapped in the walls of loneliness.

What you need to do is to understand that loneliness is just a set of feelings and worries. Don’t take it seriously.

Most importantly, you need to start to socialize even if it has been a long time. You’re going to be surprised how it’s much safer than you thought.

#2 Learn To Keep A Conversation Going

If you can keep a conversation going with a new person that you meet, chances are, you’re going to connect with that person. The more you know how to do this, the more friends you’ll have, and the happier you’ll be.

One technique you can start using right now is to remember the stories you hear and use them in conversations with people when you’re talking about a related subject. You can use any story, EVEN IF IT’S NOT SOMETHING FROM YOUR LIFE.

Use stories from other people’s lives, stuff you see on TV, on YouTube, in movies, books, documentaries, even stuff that happens in the street.

This is NORMAL to do with your old friends, but we almost always forget to use it with people we meet for the first time. That can cause the almighty problem of “running out of things to say.”

I wrote an article to share another technique on How To Keep A Conversation Going.

#3 Meet Friends That Know Each Other – Build A Social Circle

There is a way to make friends and continue meeting them that prevents loneliness, if you happen to break up with your partner. You can do this while also attracting hotter members of the opposite sex to you.

It’s a habit of making friends, introducing them to each other, and going out with them as a group.

Most people don’t do this. And don’t know how. So they miss out on it – big time.

You need to make sure that you gather the friends you have, in order to form a group that meets regularly. And when you get into a relationship, you can keep meeting with your group of friends, WITH your partner.

That way, you get a life full of social and emotional support, no matter what happens in your relationship.

What tips do you have for building strong friendships that will outlast any romantic relationship?

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

Inspiring Love in Film: Better Options Than Bridget Jones

We may not like to admit it, but there is a mini-Bridget lurking within all of us. She’s waiting, unlit fag in hand, to spread chaos at the most inopportune moment. She just needs the right catalyst: like those times at parties where a veil of silence falls across the group and, just as you clear your voice to fill it with a witty and insightful contribution, she claps on the social blinkers and the gap between your own expectation of yourself and stubborn reality suddenly becomes a yawning chasm. Everyone looks at you as if you’re an idiot and you spill chardonnay down your dress.

When it comes to love and life, however, I’m sure that we all at least hope that the Jones archetype doesn’t apply to us. Even as Bridget seemingly manages to hook Mr Right at the end of the first film, from the very start of The Edge of Reason (2004), it is clear that hers and Darcy’s is an ill-fitting relationship; plagued by obsession and stiffness compounded by Bridget’s indomitable lack of grace.

So what else does the cinematic world have to offer up to those of us still waiting to link arms with The One under a petal-strewn glen and stroll off into the sunset planning babies? Well, there’s quite a bit of tragedy. Titanic (1997), a classic story of love vs. the class system, turns out to be more than doomed when Arctic sea ice gangs up against the lovers to sink their blossoming romance. The benchmark for star-crossed lovers overcoming social divides was probably set by Love Story (1970), where Oliver Barrett IV’s dedication to working class Jennifer Cavilleri results in the golden-tap flowing from his Harvard-graduate father’s estate being cut off. After failing to conceive, it becomes apparent that Jennifer is terminally ill and, after months of financial hardship and multiplying hospital bills, Oliver is reconciled with his family at Jennifer’s death-bed with the immortal (and, perhaps, misguided) line: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Do our relationship archetypes have to involve either Disney fairy-tales, Bridget-style flops or the death of either party? Why is it that The English Patients of film win the Oscars? Actually, romantic cinema has been quite good at appealing to the modern zeitgeist and communicating the trials and tribulations of the everyday relationship.

Films like when Harry Met Sally (1989) and Sliding Doors (1998) offer visions of relationships that any one of us could recognise mirrored in our own experiences. But what I find really inspiring in cinema is the recurring theme of “second chances.” When you think about it, this is the best message a film can ever convey to us. After all, life may be amazing for Jake and Rachel or whoever in the end, but I don’t live Rachel’s life – and I don’t have a Jake. It’s great when a film says to us, “Hey, x or y may have happened to you but you know what? If you keep going and move on through this, there can be something up ahead that will make it all worth it.”

In The Notebook (2004) we listen as grey-haired narrators yarn the tales of their life’s love in a beautiful life-affirming story of a couple only temporarily eclipsed by World War II. But second chances aren’t always about pulling through hardships with your partner. Sometimes our partner is the hardship and our second chance is, simply, someone else. One of my favorites in this category has to be Lost In Translation (2003), a story of an unlikely love blossoming between disillusioned actor Bob and frustrated twenty something Charlotte in the claustrophobic confines of a Tokyo culture-shock. Despite the age gap, this is also a story about second chances. Bob’s failing marriage, Charlotte’s dissatisfaction with a partner who has changed too much and the solace that they find within each other’s companionship in an alien megacity subtly mirrors the lives of many of us who find themselves surrounded by people but still managing to feel alone.

My absolute number one second chance story though is Wong KarWai’s pretty, neon-candy English-language debut: My Blueberry Nights (2007). In the aftermath of a painful breakup, Elizabeth finds sanctuary eating blueberry pie every day in Manchester émigré Jeremy’s café in Manhattan. The whispers of something between them are cut short by Elizabeth’s cross-country drifting, supported by a series of waitressing jobs as she chases a dream to mend a broken heart. Her intermittent postcards to Jeremy, however, conceal her location and place of work and he tirelessly calls up restaurants in the area in an effort to find her, later writing herculean amounts of postcards to any and every restaurant in desperation. After working through her own emotional turmoil via encounters with various lost-souls, Elizabeth returns to Manhattan to a reserved seat in Jeremy’s café – and the realisation of his reciprocated feelings.

So what have I learnt? Well, an inspiring love story can definitely be made by overcoming adversity, but it can also be made by submitting to it. What really inspires me though are the films where love flowers from the mundane, transforming all our frustrations and insecurities and assuring us that we are never too old for a second chance. Or a third.

What are your experiences of second chances? Have you and your partner ever faced something which seemed insurmountable only to come out shining the other side? Or did your experience with a flop somehow flip into the best days of your life? What’s your favourite movie about love?

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Aditi

However, the other night I was reading some blog emails, when I came across a guest post submitted by Aditi Lalbahadur. I loved the post so much that it forced me to make some time for the blog. (I promise I’m doing my best to get back in the swing of things soon!)

Aditi is an Indian-born South African researcher who is trying to save the world, one research report at a time. She loves chocolate pinotage, chatting with friends and dreams of being a writer when she grows up. I hope you enjoy her post today and show her some love in the comments.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

The Sweetest Revenge

Sunday 9 a.m. marked the exact one-year anniversary of my discovering that my ex was a lying cheating bastard. I found an email on his laptop while searching for humane ways to kill a mouse (a mouse had taken refuge in the house and had been outsmarting our traps for weeks).

It turned out that while I was in Scotland that year completing an MA, my then fiancé of two years (we lived together for seven), decided to shack up with his colleague IN OUR HOUSE (I have yet to figure out if she had anything to do with the mouse)! She’d moved out just in time for me to move back in, but they managed to keep their affair a secret for another two months while I was home. The ensuing events were all very dramatic. Let’s just say that it put my newly acquired MA in Peace and Conflict Studies to the test! Eventually though, I moved out. And the next day she moved in (pleased as punch, no doubt, with herself that she ‘won’).

Since then I have gone through the soul-crushing, simply exhausting journey of picking up the pieces of … pretty much everything. First, it was myself. Physically. From off my best friend’s kitchen floor (eventually she hauled me up). Then, my hopes, my dreams, my heart. Through the disbelief, the grief and anger, all I have wanted for him was sweet, sweet revenge.

I used to day dream all the time that he would come back to me, shriveled and soaking wet (because he would be caught in a freak thunderstorm, obviously) cold, shivering and miserable on a bitterly cold winter’s day. It would crush his heart when I opened the door to my apartment looking gorgeous and slim and barely dressed (because it would be warm in my apartment!) with a hunka-hunka sweet (and topless) man doing something very manly in the background.

And then, at some unknown point, with me barely even noticing, the revenge dreams stopped. I started to realise that my pain and grief were my own. And that actually, while I was grieving for my lost life. I was also grieving for my lost self – the person I’d thought I always wanted to be. The person I could have been.

I began to realise that I had a lot of my own stuff that I needed to deal with. How did I make such a bad judgment call with him? Who was I without him? What do I work towards now? What did I want for my career? … DID I want a career? What was the meaning of life???

Wading through that stuff has been exhausting! It still reduces me to a helpless freak-ball of tears. Without fail, once a month, you will find me lying naked in my bed with crazy-hair, howling like an orphaned child. Because seriously, discovering the purpose of life is HARD!! And while I haven’t figured it out just yet, I have made awesome discoveries about me – the habits I don’t like, the aspects I want to keep and the person I want to become.

I’ve learnt that I’m ok to be alone, as long as I’m happy. I’ve realised that I want to live a full life – to be the best person that I can be; to travel the world; to enjoy exciting new experiences; to meet incredible people; to cherish every moment and learn what I can from these. I want a lot of things for myself, and I’m finally discovering how to get them ALL ON MY OWN!

I’m starting to see my power, my strength, my courage – my perfect imperfection. I can see that the one thing I have absolute control over is me. I see that I will be happy – because it’s my choice. I am not a victim to life. I am responsible for it. And I am responsible for me.

It’s starting to give me great pride to think that I have faced my worst fear, and to realise that I came out of it just fine! It’s not peaches and roses, but I’ve come a very long way from off that cold cement floor nine months ago. From all this, I have grown, I have changed, I have become a wiser, smarter, stronger, more caring and compassionate, I have stronger bonds with the people in my life. And suddenly the world is a space of infinite possibilities …

… And then last night it hit me. The sweetest revenge would be for my ex to never face a life-changing experience. The sweetest revenge would be for him to never be forced to look at himself; to confront his demons and have the opportunity to overcome them.

The sweetest of sweet revenge would be for him to stay just the same.

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

How to Bag the Perfect Guy for You

Meeting a new man, be it online or in real life, can be a bit like being given a lovely, gift-wrapped present. At first, you’re not sure what this unfamiliar, though excitingly shaped, new item is. Your mind whizzes with possibilities as you remove layer after layer of shiny paper from the package (steady on ladies!). You get all excited about the glorious future that’s about to unfold with this thrilling new something in your life and then… oh… it’s a two-year subscription to Industrial Engineering Weekly magazine.

The point is that meeting someone new is a lucky dip and you can never be sure what you’re going to get… or can you? While we can’t claim that clairvoyance falls under the otherwise fulsome list of our skills at Twoo.com and therefore we can’t guarantee that the man you’re chatting with is Mr Marriage-and-Babies, we do have access to information about what guys are looking for and what kind of characteristics in a woman attract what kind of guy.

We’ve been doing some research, quite a lot really, so much so we’ve written an entire whitepaper about our findings. In this post we are looking specifically at what the data around age showed us; which bracket to go for to bag the man of your dreams.

We looked at data asking guys to list their perfect partner’s best body part and, guys, you did pretty well. Smile and eyes were top trumps for all age groups, which suggests that those guys who appear to be talking to your chest might actually be shy as opposed to pervy, but from here on out things vary quite wildly.

If you’re looking for a man who will love you for your fierce intelligence rather than your booty, then you should look to the upper end of the age bracket. 14% of men aged 20-24 listed “ass” as their perfect partner’s best body part and 8% said “brains,” compared with guys from the 50-59 age bracket, 1% of whom wanted you for your behind and 15% for your brains. Interestingly, “chest” scored quite low consistently, apart from the 40-44 year old age bracket where it shot up to 10%, which perhaps can be identified as prime mid-life crisis territory. One thing you ladies might want to consider is that guys couldn’t give a monkey’s butt about your hair; this characteristic never struggled above 2% in any age group, so put down that curling iron and do something useful.

If your focus is marriage, then you should be looking for a man around about the age of 30. 37% of 20-24 year olds said they were “too young to think about it,” but they change their tune when they hit the 30-34 age bracket with 43% of them saying it’s an important commitment. If you’re dating an older guy, then you may find that that ship has sailed – 36% of men aged 50-59 don’t think marriage is relevant for them any longer. You may have thought that younger guys would be less interested in marriage than their more traditional elder counterparts, but the opposite is true, so you might want to pick a younger model if you’re after more than just a quick roll in the hay.

Well girls, one thing’s good to know, at least we can all stop worrying about our hair, huh? I don’t think so. Perhaps the most important stat was that on marriage, if you want him to put a ring on it, you better get in there before he hits 50, the good news is that gives you plenty of time.

What do you think on the findings? Do you agree? Does it resemble your own online dating experiences? Let us know in the comments below and don’t forget to share with others.

Twoo has 8.8 million monthly active users that are based all over the world: the site is live in over 200 countries, and is available in over 35 languages. The areas of study for these findings: United Kingdom, France, United States, Belgium, Australia and Germany, among Twoo’s busiest countries. Twoo’s data is based both on profile information and behaviour. Profile information is filled in by the user when they join the website, to give other users a clear idea of their personality and lifestyle. Our behavioural data is focused around what makes a particular user, or groups of users, popular on the network. You can see the full whitepaper here.

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.