Simply Solo Spotlight: When He Cheats
Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Courtney from Clduncan75, the “ME” Project, which is a blog about finding ways to beat back the flames of middle age with lip gloss and, possibly, bikini wax.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.
When He Cheats
When he cheats … it doesn’t have to be the worst thing in the world.
This is a mighty brave statement from a girl who, this time last year, was in the midst of one of the most painful, horrific times of her life. Yep, me. I had been suspicious for some time that my boyfriend, and father of my five-month-old daughter, had been cheating on me. As a matter of fact, I KNEW he was, with every fiber of my being. I knew in the way one intuitively knows something that they cannot prove, that is. For months, my snooping had been escalating to obsessive levels. I was so desperate to prove that I wasn’t crazy AND that he was the world’s most deviant liar that I had gotten pretty creative.
Unfortunately for me, it was that creativity that paid off and left me face-to-face with the truth. I couldn’t hack the code on his phone (and by the way, if you find yourself ever in that position, just go ahead and walk away. You are officially in an unhealthy relationship). So, I finally pulled out the memory card and loaded it into my phone. It worked. I got to see all the many, many pictures in his phone of the girl he had all but left me for. It was quite an eyeful. I wasn’t crazy … yay? There I stood, with that phone in my hand, shaking and stunned. My relationship had felt doomed for a while, yes, but this was a whole new level of bad. This was IT, man. I had to face the fact that life as I knew it, and all the hopes and dreams I’d had for the future, it was all done.
Photo courtesy of Akbar Sim
This was incredibly hard for me on so many levels, but I truly think, aside from being heartbroken, it was the loss of the life I thought we’d have together that hurt so much. I was never one of those girls who had a plan of any sort, really. I knew that I never wanted to drive a mini-van (please, God) or wear holiday sweatshirts with wreaths or turkeys on them. But other than that, you know … whatever. Then, while I was pregnant with our baby, something happened. I found myself so blissed out from all the love and devotion that man showed me, that I formed a picture in my head of what life could be like. That picture grew until it was like I had tunnel vision. All my defenses were down, my trust was absolute. That’s when he yanked the rug out from under me.
It was ugly. I’m not going to go into more detail than that (mostly because I just pictured my mom reading this and how uncomfortable Thanksgiving will be this year for him if I don’t shut up). I left as soon as I could, and not one day went by where I wasn’t just heartsick and lost. But at least I was moving forward instead of stuck in that horrible limbo of uncertainty. During that time, if you’d told me that in a year I would view what came out of that mess as a blessing … honestly, I probably would have punched you. But it really is true, and here’s why:
I learned finally and totally to trust my instincts, no matter what. That gut feeling is for real, and it’s there for a reason – we are just animals underneath all this junk, after all.
I learned that putting all your eggs in one basket, i.e. having every hope and dream you have dependent on someone else, is plain stupid. I am 100% responsible for my happiness and I owe it to myself to be okay on my own.
I learned that being cheated on is a lot more common than we think it is, but it carries a stigma of shame for us women when it happens to us. Even though it’s not (and never is) the fault of the person who is wronged, it’s feels like a clear statement of “You aren’t enough for me.” And that really sucks.
I learned that friends can judge us so harshly that you might feel like you have nowhere to turn. I made the very difficult decision to try to work through this thing with my boyfriend, for a myriad of reasons. Some of them perhaps more valid than others, but so what? I had some friends who made me feel like such crap for taking him back, and that was the last thing I needed.
Maybe, though, the most important thing of all was that I learned a lot about forgiveness. I never understood before how you could forgive someone who had hurt you so much. I could say the words, but those feelings were still there. Now I know that forgiveness is not something that just happens – it’s a decision you make every single day until you don’t have to think about it anymore.
My life is not perfect by a long shot. Sometimes I still wonder if I made the right choice, but those moments are pretty rare. Once you make up your mind about something, you need to commit to it, you know? But I think I am a far stronger woman than I was before this, and I really am grateful for the lessons learned, whatever the outcome will eventually be.
I wonder … do you know what you would really do if you found out your lover was having an affair? Would you leave? Are you sure? If you stayed, would you be ashamed to tell your friends and family what he’d done? I can’t wait to hear, and thank you so much for reading!
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Love Advice from Supermodel Beverly Johnson
Happy weekend! It occurs to me as I write this that I hardly ever post on Si
mply Solo over the weekend. But I had to make an exception to tell you guys about an interview I recently conducted with Beverly Johnson, the first African American supermodel. I interviewed Beverly about her new reality show Beverly’s Full House (debuting TONIGHT at 10 EST on the Oprah Winfrey Network). Beverly didn’t just talk about the show. She also shared some interesting perspectives on love, relationships and life that I can’t wait to share with you.
As you can imagine, it’s not every day that I get to talk with a supermodel (or anyone famous, really). I did see Seth Meyers eating a hot dog in New York City one time. Not sure why that matters, but I feel compelled to share it.
So how in the world did a girl from Chester get this opportunity?
It’s called connections, people.
Okay, not really. It’s called luck. I told you before about meeting Don, a producer of Beverly’s Full House, on a flight to Los Angeles. When we talked, I told him I’d be happy to help promote his show on my blog. To be completely honest, I never thought I’d hear from Don again. I never imagined that Don would play an integral role in helping me win the Rioja Wines contest so I could spend my winnings risking life and limb sky diving in Hawaii. The next thing I know, he’s setting me up with an interview with Beverly Johnson.
Beverly was simply delightful. During our one hour conversation, she was smart, funny and insightful. Most importantly, she was a fabulous over-sharer (just like me).
Before I share some of the details of the interview, here’s what the show is all about (from the show’s press materials):
In “Beverly’s Full House,” Beverly Johnson steps out of her role as glamorous fashion icon and opens her home to her daughter Anansa (a plus-size model), son-in-law David (a former NFL player), and their newborn baby Ava, in an effort to reconnect with her daughter and to help her growing family get ahead financially during a tough economy.
Despite following in her mother’s footsteps, Anansa’s relationship with her mother has always been fragile. With the arrival of her daughter Ava, Anansa wants to heal her strained relationship with her mother and agrees to move her family into Beverly’s home.
Humorous and heartfelt, “Beverly’s Full House” explores the unpredictable dynamic between mother, daughter and son-in-law. Throughout the season, Beverly tries with varying degrees of success to bond with her daughter and son-in-law. Despite sometimes overstepping her boundaries and at times having her intentions misunderstood, she loves her family and is determined to strengthen their relationship. Along the way, viewers will witness the drama, good times and bad times as Beverly’s traditional/non-traditional family comes together, bound by love, and learns to make it all work.
Without further ado, here are some highlights of my interview with Beverly Johnson.
Why do a reality show?
Beverly describes herself as a “small-time girl from Buffalo, NY” who married a flower child 30 years her senior. You may know him; he’s music mogul Danny Sims, credited with bringing reggae music to America. Danny had completely different morals than Beverly and she soon realized he was simply too much for her. After five years of marriage, Beverly wanted out. Yet, Danny was a man who “doesn’t like to lose,” as Beverly put it. Danny threatened to take away their daughter Anansa if she didn’t take him back. Still, Beverly continued with the divorce, and he held true to his promise and won custody of Anansa in an ugly custody battle. Danny claimed Beverly was an unfit mother because of her status as an international supermodel. It wasn’t until Anansa was 11 years old that Beverly finally reclaimed custody.
Beverly wanted to use this reality show as an opportunity for the family to work through the issues related to the divorce and why she lost custody of her daughter. Beverly says that at the time, it was absurd for a court to take away a child from his/her mother, unless the mother was sick or on drugs or something. This simply wasn’t the case for Beverly – she was being punished for her career, even though Danny’s career caused him to travel just as much. In fact, Beverly made an adult Anansa read the court transcripts just so that she could understand the truth about how it all went down.
It was important to Beverly that this be a constructive reality show. So, life coaches and therapists are involved in many elements to help the family work through their problems. Beverly notes that there are many people out there with complicated mother-daughter relationships, and she believes seeing Beverly and Anansa work through their relationship can help viewers resolve their own challenges.
Supermodels date online?
Beverly revealed that she recently tried online dating, and had an awful experience. She started talking to a guy she met through eHarmony. However, she didn’t reveal to him who she was or that she was famous. During a conversation about golf (Beverly is an avid golfer), this poor guy sure stuck his foot in his mouth when he told Beverly, “You know, I used to play golf with Beverly Johnson.”
“I am Beverly Johnson,” Beverly replied, catching him in the blatant lie. She’d never met the man in her life. Beverly says there was dead silence on the phone for literally three minutes as he tried to figure out how to respond.
What it’s really like being a supermodel
Beverly describes modeling as a career for the young, and she found herself going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 26 (sounds like me!). She suddenly had to figure out what she wanted to do with her life because she knew she couldn’t model forever.
Beverly says she wouldn’t go back to her 20s for anything. She’s finally feeling really good in her own skin now. In her 20s, she was 5’ 9” and 117 pounds. She was hungry all the time. And, she realizes now that although she was beautiful as a model, she was anorexic in the real world. It simply wasn’t healthy.
She says about underweight models, “As a fashion community, we have a responsibility for the images we put out. Because we have an effect on a nation of women and children that can be devastating if we don’t act in a responsible way and show healthy models as opposed to anorexic models and girls that cannot possibly be that thin without eating. It’s a problem.”
Beauty advice from a supermodel
Beverly says to simply be healthy. If you are eating right (being conscious of what you eat but not depriving yourself), exercising, going to the doctor and being generally responsible with your body, you will be beautiful. You simply can’t help but be beautiful.
Oprah
Beverly is close with Oprah, so I absolutely had to ask what Oprah’s really like. My obsession fascination with Oprah is well documented. Here’s what Beverly had to say about her: “She’s unbelievable. She’s gracious, fun, enthusiastic and passionate. She’s got one of those personalities that you want to be around. She’s like a magnet. I actually knew her before she was Oprah. She came to New York to interview me!”
Of course, I felt the need to tell Beverly how much I loved Oprah, but I still struggle with the fact that Oprah chose to endorse Obama over Hillary. Well, Beverly officially won me over when she said, “I’m a big Hillary supporter too! She’s such a smart woman.”
Love/relationship advice for Simply Solo readers
When I asked Beverly for her love advice for Simply Solo readers, she said you have to work on yourself first. “What I’ve found is that healthy people attract healthy people. I have been in therapy for many years and attracted a few unhealthy people in my life. It was because I had unresolved patterns and issues in my life that I blamed on the world. There are plenty of great guys out there that want to have a monogamous, loving relationship. It’s just that you have to make yourself healthy so you can attract that person.”
Beverly recently started dating someone, let’s call him Steve, after being single for 30 years. Beverly and Steve met at the funeral of a mutual friend. Before her friend died, Beverly was considering going into business with him. A year later, Beverly wanted to follow up on the business opportunity but needed some files to move forward. She swears that she distinctly heard her friend’s voice (from beyond the grave) say, “Call him.” And she knew exactly who “him” was – Steve.
So she called him. After six months, they started dating. “I love the relationship he has with his mother. That tells you A LOT about a man,” said Beverly. “I’ve been in a lot of therapy to bring a healthy person into my life. If I didn’t work on myself first, I would have passed Steve right by.”
Stuff to check out
Okay, so of course you need to watch the show TONIGHT at 10 EST on the Oprah Winfrey Network.
If you simply can’t wait until tonight, there’s a sneak peek of the show here.
Beverly also has a line of multi-cultural beauty products available at Target. You can see the full line here.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Simply Solo Spotlight: Some Call It Love
Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Dettie, who recently ended a four-year relationship and realized she had more time on her hands than she knew what do with. So, she started her blog where she talks about love, life, relationships and how to survive as a single woman in a coupled up world. After reading and commenting on today’s guest post, be sure to check out Dettie’s blog!
Some Call It Love
It is amazing to me how life’s experiences bring us together. We have different backgrounds, from different cultures to different countries, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, we are pretty much all the same. Our definition of fun varies. We love to laugh. What makes us laugh might differ from person to person, but who doesn’t enjoy a good laugh, particularly around good company?
Picture of Lloydette
But what makes us even more alike is love. Though our individual experiences might differ, most of us would have, at one point in our lives or another, loved and/or lost. I know I have.
From when we were as young as babes, we wanted to feel loved. We cried. We cried because we found out pretty early that if we cried somebody would come running to helpless-little-us, take us into their arms and fuss over us and rock us until we were calm … or at least until we felt that we should save some of our tears for the next 10 minutes.
The point is, that felt like love, and to our [then] feeble like minds, that was love.
But, we are now bigger. We now are the “shapers” (for the most part) of our destiny. How much different do we deem love to be now?
We still want to be held in someone’s arms. We still want to be fussed over. We still want to be rocked. And when we get that … Yeah … We still call it love.
I will not fool myself, or anyone reading this, into believing that that is all that love is about. Hell no! If that was the case, every Tom, Dick, Harry and Jane would be in love. Love requires work. Love requires sacrifice. Love demands compromise. Loves requires admitting you were wrong. Love requires being vulnerable. Love requires trust … and for a stubborn horse as myself, love requires being flexible. Sometimes.
Let me tell you a little secret about love: nobody knows the love you feel but you. It might sound like a simple enough fact to accept, but we ever so often forget. I remember having an argument with my boyfriend about who loved who more. He believed he loved me more than I loved him. What was his basis for believing such? How HE felt. I laughed; I had to. How could he know how I was feeling? He could never, and I guess since I was the one to end that relationship, he is now certain that he was right. Maybe. I don’t know. We really can’t measure another person’s love.
How do you know if it is love?
After four years of being in that situation, I can tell you what I have learned. Love is not obligation. Love is not a burden. Love is not a bargaining chip. Love does not come with a flip switch. Love demands without dictating. Love needs to be showed. Love commands respect. Love helps to make you a better person. (Your) love should not be used against you. Love is a beautiful thing.
I refuse to subscribe to the ideology that love causes people to overlook faults. Listen, if you can’t see your other half’s faults, then that is not love. That’s something else, which I shall not discuss here, but will only say this: Love does not make someone perfect … It makes the relationship “perfect.”
I have loved. I know what love feels like and I also know what love doesn’t feel like.
So, I dare to be different, if only for a few minutes. I want all of that, the fussing and the holding and the cuddling, but I promise you, I WILL NOT call it love.
What you think love is? What is love supposed to feel like?
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
ThingsAreNeverGonnaChangeItis
A few years ago, I was talking with my mom about the very popular self-help book “Who Moved My Cheese?” about dealing with change at work and in life. The book argues you must have a positive attitude about change and adapt in order to survive.
“I really don’t like change,” I explained to my mom. “Even good change is bad.”
I must have been all of 20 years old, and who knew what I even thought “change” was at that time. Lord knows I had no idea the amount of changes I would see in the coming years.
As I get older, I’ve realized that it isn’t that I don’t like change, or that I think change is a bad thing. In fact, I relish change. Especially when it’s on my own terms. And I’ve properly prepared for it.
For example, at work, I’m constantly on the lookout for potential changes in my industry or for my clients. That way when changes pop up, I’m not often caught off guard.
The real problem I have with change relates to my personal life. In my personal life, I suffer from a little known condition called ThingsAreNeverGonnaChangeItis. This condition causes me to assume that my relationships, friends and family are going to stay the same. Little changes here or there, sure. Big, life altering changes? Nope.
But then my single girl role model gets engaged.
My grandfather gets sick.
In a month, one of my longtime friends is moving to Chicago.
I see on Facebook that a dear friend has gotten married. I wasn’t invited. She hasn’t spoken to me in more than a year, and I have no idea why. And now I’ve missed her wedding.
I find myself standing in the doctor’s office watching my sister get an ultrasound to find out the sex of her first baby.
Change. Change. Change.
Of course, I realize my friends and family have their own lives to live. I truly want good things to happen to the people I love. But somehow, whenever big changes happen in my relationships and to the people around me, they catch me off guard. While I’m certain all these things may happen someday, I never expect them to happen today.
When my sister first found out she was pregnant, she made me promise to keep it a secret until she was far enough along to tell more people. “I’m no good at secrets,” I told her. “I mean, I can keep a secret – sorta. I have to be able to tell at least one person.” She agreed I could tell Chef.
First, Chef and I reeled over the news. Once we were done reeling, we’d forget she was pregnant all together. I’d start to text her to invite her out for drinks, then abruptly stop in my tracks.
“Duh. Natasha is pregnant. No drinks for her,” I’d tell Chef. This started the joke where every time I mention the progress of my sister’s pregnancy, Chef asks, “Natasha is still pregnant?”
“The baby is the size of a strawberry!” I’d exclaim.
“Natasha’s still pregnant?” would be his reply. After five months, the joke still hasn’t gotten old.
Because somehow, I keep forgetting she’s pregnant.
The way I keep forgetting that my friend is moving to Chicago.
Or that my other friend isn’t speaking to me.
The problem with identifying that I suffer from ThingsAreNeverGonnaChangeItis is that I am now paranoid that things are going to change all the time. I fear that nothing is permanent. This has been a problem since I broke up with my ex fiancé in such a catastrophic manner. I keep thinking that every future relationship is going to end in the same shocking and heartbreaking way. So, refusing to be caught off guard ever again, I find myself constantly looking for cracks in my relationship or signs that things are about to shift dramatically. Since this obviously isn’t the healthiest approach to an adult relationship, I’m working on it.
As I let these changes grow on me, I am beginning to become one with them. This is what life is all about. Things have to change so you can grow. People have to leave you so they can grow, too. Women have to have babies so the human race can continue. Friendships change – sometimes they even end – and it’s not the end of the world.
Whether the change feels bad or good at the moment, it’s all a part of who you are. And who you will become. Because even if you don’t notice it, you are changing with each and every day.
Rocking our "It's A Boy!" bracelets
Did I mention my sister’s having a boy? Having another nephew and helping raise him into an amazing man is a change I can live with. And I can’t wait to see my sister in her new role as a mother. Even if it means I can’t invite her out for drinks for a bit.
How do you handle change? Any tips for getting over ThingsAreNeverGonnaChangeItis?
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Simply Solo Spotlight: How to Cure Heartbreak with Mustard
Today’s Simply Solo spotlight is brought to you by Carey McHutchen, a contributor at WWW Dating Guide, where she gives dating tips and advice to those submerging themselves in the scary world of online dating.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.
How to Cure Heartbreak with Mustard
You were in love, everything was perfect and you were picking out china patterns. Then, all of a sudden, it’s over and you can’t breathe anymore because you’re crying so hard and the world is an awful place in which to live. You wallow, you argue, you become bitter toward your friends and their successful relationships. You get really drunk and make somewhat terrible mistakes. You eat copious amounts of Ben & Jerry’s and spend most nights curled up on your sofa cursing the world and texting guys you don’t like simply for the attention.
That is one way to deal with a breakup.
Or you could try something else: Go to the grocery store, find the condiments aisle and pick out some mustard. Plain will do.
How will this little squeezable bottle of mustard help you get through a breakup, you might ask? Let me explain:
1. It’s yellow.
No, the term “they call me mellow yellow” does not apply here. I’m talking about the yellow you paint your walls to brighten someone’s day. When we think yellow, we think sunshine, sunflowers, lemons and the perfect sundress. You could be eating the most depressing meal ever and if you throw some mustard on it, it’s bound to look a little happier. Bright colors in general will lift your spirits – so load up on red and green peppers, sweet potatoes and zucchini, and you’re well on your way to higher spirits.
2. It’s a no-calorie no brainer.
Okay, its color may not have totally convinced you of its healing powers, but its nutritional value will. Switch up your mayo or ketchup for mustard and you’re looking at zero calories, zero fat and only 55mg of sodium. Get yourself some honey mustard and you’re only consuming 10 calories per serving. Keep all the flavor, but lose that inner thigh fat you’ve been putting on since the breakup. You’ll feel better, look better and have more energy in the long run. This is a time when you should be concentrating on you and what you need. Making tiny adjustments to your diet will add some control to your life, while other aspects seem out-of-control, i.e. your emotions.
3. It’s tangy.
Mustard’s gotta kick to it. And hopefully it will inspire you to kick some ass. At a time when you’re feeling beat, when your self-confidence has taken a blow to the knees, mustard will get your taste buds up and at ‘em. Then let your taste buds inform the rest of your body: Tell it to wake up! Go for run! Just get off the sofa already!
4. It’ll make you try new things.
If you are switching to mustard, chances are you’ll switch other things up as well. Making a slight, safe new change in your diet will tell your brain it’s okay to keep the new things coming. Also, there are a ton of recipes out there that feature mustard. Why not show off your new foodie passion, host a dinner party and play chef? Nothing helps better during a breakup than keeping occupied, and cooking for 12 is no small feat. Who has time to think about their ex while they whip up a mustard vinaigrette?
In all seriousness folks, I am not trying to sell you mustard. I am simply giving you something to try. Everyone gets over a breakup differently, but the foundational strategies remain the same: keep busy, focus on yourself and do things that will make you happy. How you choose to interpret those things is up to you; I simply chose to put a little mustard in my life.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Tonya Vrba, a passionate writer whose work has been published in numerous newspapers and blogs. She currently writes for Online Dating Sites. Learn more about Tonya and her work at her personal website.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.
Beware! Not All Who Advise Have Common Sense
I may not have been the average dating advice columnist when I happened into a job with OnlineDatingSites.net, but as a fastidious researcher, I soon learned the ins and outs of the dating world. First and foremost, I learned common sense is usually the answer. It’s not that the many people who ask for dating advice lack common sense. Instead, I find most are blinded by love and looking for validation of their suspicions. It is the common sense of some of the advice givers I doubt.
Not all advice is created equal. Photo courtesy of Laughlin Elkind
The most recent (horrible) I’ve found is in a guest post on Friends Dating Places. Before I go further, remember that this is a guest post on the site and may not necessarily express the views of the site as a whole. Also, in the marketplace of ideas, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. My opinion is that Ask Robby G is abhorrently erred in his dating advice.
I am so taken aback by his advice that I worry for any poor soul who takes him seriously. The issue at hand: Boy likes girl; how should he tell her?
“When you meet someone new … the biggest mistake you can make is tell them directly that you’re into them. The point is to continue playing the game and try not to put your guard down until you have sex.”
His words, not mine.
Perhaps I am a bit old-fashioned, but I prefer to know whether or not a man likes me before I have sex with him. My own advice would be to wait until you know someone well. With malicious STDs and self-proclaimed pickup artists looking for one night stands, a woman can’t be too careful.
Perhaps Mr. G is simply looking for a one night stand in his scenario. I imagine few quality girls want to “play the game.” If a woman is looking for a long-term relationship, she won’t be bothered with men who claim not to like her.
Honesty and common sense; they’re not hard, Mr. G.
Opinions like his bring about terrible advice for women, like this hideously insulting article on CNBC.com. I’ll summarize it here to spare you the agony of reading. Dear women, stop talking, stop wanting attention and stop having your own friends. Basically, just throw your feelings in a trash can. They’re useless. Men don’t care about how you feel and they don’t want to talk about how they feel.
This advice will work every time, if you’re a masochist who never wants to be happy.
When looking though the troves of dating advice out there, remember to keep your common sense. If something sounds crazy, don’t do it. Most dating experts write partially based on their own experiences. It may be that you don’t want the kind of relationship they do. The first step to finding solid advice is to conceptualize what you want in a relationship. The real struggle in a relationship, though, is not finding one, but maintaining one. For those of you who need it, here’s a reality slap of sound dating advice.
No, you can’t change him or her, but they can change if they choose to themselves.
People change, even after marriage. Keep an open mind, but never settle.
You are not perfect just the way you are. None of us are. Believing you are perfect prevents you from learning and growing. When in a relationship, you will need to learn and grow together.
All the same, someone will love you for the best of you and in spite of the worst of you. Expect to love someone in the same way.
Pay attention to the pattern of the above advice. It does not proclaim a utopia where you are perfect and so is your partner. The advice is not necessarily easy to follow because true relationships take work. At the same time, it is not dystopian. The opposite sex is not objectified or ridiculed as an enemy you must tame.
Look at dating blogs like you would look for a job. If it looks a bit sketchy, it probably is. Sites that are well put together and have reasonable traffic will be better sources of information. Dating is a unique industry. In order for people to keep reading, a blog must have sound information. If advice fails, the blogs fail.
This formula is especially true when looking at advice from dating sites or sites connected to dating advice. Imagine if someone followed the advice they found on eHarmony’s blog and it failed them. Not only will the blog lose out, but the business of the dating site loses out as well. If I ever have any doubts in my own advice, I often check with a reputable dating site blog.
Common sense, I know you have it. Do the world a favor and spread it around. Lastly, I beg you, don’t follow advice your gut tells you is wrong.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
My Ex is Getting Married
A friend asked me a while back, “What are you going to do if your ex gets engaged again?”
“Put on something sexy, go to his house and get him back. Obviously,” I replied, relishing her reaction.
I was joking, of course. The thought of actually doing that – trying to get him back – seemed so far removed from the realm of possibility that it seemed like a beautifully ridiculous response. And, joking about the topic was a hell of a lot easier than dealing with the actual emotions I would feel if this should ever happen.
Correction: when this would happen. We all knew it was inevitable. But somehow, you can know something is going to happen with every essence of your being, but then when it happens, it can blindsight you.
Last summer, I shared with you how my ex was dating Tina – his high school sweetheart who coincidentally divorced her husband right when we cancelled our wedding, who was also coincidentally secretly texting with my ex fiancé almost every day the last eight months of our relationship. The funny thing is, Tina wasn’t even part of the reason we ended our relationship after seven years. She was just the tip of the betrayal iceberg.
I don’t have the emotional capacity to get into the story about how Tina and my ex came to be, but it’s pretty well documented here. And by pretty well documented, I mean I had verbal diarrhea and used my blog as an outlet to express all the pent up anger I had toward my ex. The post was titled “Hello, Anger,” but the runner-up title was “I Knew You Would Move On … But Did It Have To Be With Her?”
Just when I’ve recovered from the anger, I find out on Facebook that my ex fiancé is now engaged to Tina. Yes, on Facebook. Even after my ex told me – promised me – that he would tell me when he got engaged. He swore to me I wouldn’t have to find out from some third party. I deserved better than that. He owed me that.
He lied.
This shouldn’t have surprised me one bit. But somehow, it was a shock to me. I was so certain he would keep his promise, this last promise he made to me. I believed a piece of him must have loved me enough to show me the respect to tell me himself.
I was wrong.
I found myself staring at her changed relationship status and all the congratulations of her friends and family. Before I knew it, I was looking at a picture of them post-proposal. The picture was strikingly similar to the picture he and I took after he proposed to me. I think it was even taken in the same location.
What did I do? Change into a sexy outfit, race to his house and get him back?
No. I did the next best thing.
I cried.
Then I got my shit together and went to a meeting.
Oh, I didn’t mention I was at work when this all happened? Silly me.
Finding out my ex was engaged again was alarmingly painful. Old feelings started to resurface; wounds that I thought were healed were suddenly fresh and red hot. He was mine. He was going to marry me. We were supposed to spend our lives together. He got down on one knee and proposed to me on that rainy October day. And suddenly, he is marrying someone else.
That week, I cried more than I’d like to admit. I got angry. Not just at him for not telling me, but at the unfairness of it all.
It’s not fair that he can break my heart and still get his happily ever after. With the person he apparently always wanted – even when he was with me.
It’s not fair that he can find someone to love – someone to marry – before I do. I selfishly wanted to be deliriously happy before he was.
How can he move on so fast? Here I am, fearful of marriage, a borderline commitment-phobe, still discovering who I am and what I want out of a relationship, and he’s getting married.
But if I’m honest with myself, he didn’t move on that fast. This April, it will be two years since we cancelled the wedding. This July will be the two year anniversary of our unwedding day. Clearly, he could have gotten engaged much faster than he did. But this isn’t just about physical time.
He’s ready but I’m not because I’m still healing. I’m still learning to trust again – to love again. I’m still the girl who wrote this. My heart is mending, most days getting stronger, but it’s still fragile.
I’m not prepared to put a ring on again. I don’t have enough trust in me to promise someone forever.
Perhaps he can move on so easily because he was the one who fractured our relationship. He doesn’t have to live, day in and day out, with this fear that it’s going to happen again. That the person you love will utterly betray you the moment you let your guard down – the moment you give yourself permission to be truly happy.
What if he’s changed, the way Tina thinks he has? Maybe he’s come clean about his transgressions and turned a new leaf. Maybe he’s a better man than he was with me.
If so, that means I was nothing but his relationship training wheels. Hurting me so badly was exactly what he needed to be the perfect husband for Tina. She’s going to get the life, the kids, the future, the wedding, the laughs, the late night talks, the weekly TV shows, the nightly tucks-ins, the “I love you” texts, the everything he promised me the day he proposed to me.
She’s getting everything I always wanted with the man I always wanted. I find myself jealous of a woman I’ve never even met.
Luckily for me, or perhaps this is the defense mechanism I’m using to move past this, I can’t be prisoner to this jealousy for long. Because I don’t believe that people change. If I truly thought he has changed, perhaps I’d be contemplating a visit to his house. I’d script an emotional reunion where I’d prove to him I’m the right one for him. Better yet, I’d up the drama and wait until the preacher says, “Speak now or forever hold your peace,” and scream “I object!” from the back of the crowded church. It’s what they do on TV, and I’m a sucker for an unrealistically romantic moment.
I would do all these things, but I believe he is still the person he was almost two years ago. There was a reason I left him then, which is the same reason I don’t want him now.
The good thing for me is I am not the same person I was almost two years ago. I am stronger. I am more independent. I know now that I can survive anything. I am certain that I made the right decision.
There’s another reason I won’t let this news keep me down for long. Contrary to the tone of much of this post, I truly want him to be happy. I was marrying him in the hopes that I would be the person to make him happy for the rest of his life. Since that’s not going to happen, I’m glad that he found someone to spend his life with. I hope he’s ready to ride without the training wheels. I hope no other woman has to suffer as I did because of his demons. God, I hope he’s happy. Because the part of me that still loves him – that will probably always love him – wants nothing more than for him to find happiness in this world.
And here’s hoping I’ll find it too.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Susan of Single Minded Endeavours. Susan started her blog when she found herself the only single in a world full of couples (who hasn’t been there?!). She had a new job, a new house, a new life – and the blog was one of the ways she “endeavoured” to make sense of all the changes. After reading and commenting on today’s post, be sure to head over to Susan’s blog!
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.
50 Red Flags (And Why I Ignored Them)
After a long and (mostly) happy marriage, four years ago I found myself in the somewhat unenviable position of single parent. After spending an insane amount of money on counselling (which consequently proved to me that I actually wasn’t insane), I decided it was time to widen my social circle outside of the almost exclusively coupled existence I had. I live in a very small town (less than a thousand people), so the odds of meeting someone new here weren’t that flash. And so, with a small amount of trepidation, and armed with a new lipstick and the highest heels I’d ever owned, I launched myself into the world of dating.
O. M. G. !!!
I began with the Internet. Spent hours writing a fabulous profile. I took my vetting seriously and carefully read all about my ‘’matches.” To start with, I was like all the new people on there. I thought, “This is incredible! A world of people – men – just like me!” I could search for just about any random or obscure thing and there would be someone who enjoyed it like I did. Height, weight, hair colour, no problem. It was fabulous! Then I started connecting with, and meeting, people. Reality bites, there is no doubt.
There were the usual ‘’you’re wonderful’’ messages from people I’d never met. Requests for my hand in marriage from strangers in foreign lands who could barely speak English. Embarrassingly halting conversations with computer geeks with virtually no social skills. Silken words from the experienced serial daters. On the upside, I never had a no-show. I never met anyone who really freaked me out, although one or two were … well, a little odd.
My friends were horrified. They thought I was taking risks. I got the usual advice – always from my happily coupled up friends – that I needed to concentrate on my children and accept that I had to remain single until they are grown (my son was two when my husband left … that’s a long time between drinks!). Some were disapproving in the extreme, and only a couple were supportive and could see that I needed to have a life outside of my children and community. I introduced one or two of the guys I met to my friends to mixed responses. So far no one has met their standards.
As well as the Internet, I’ve been open to the ‘’you should really meet my friend’’ method of dating. The ‘’I saw you from over there at the bar’’ routines. And the ‘’pick a crazy new hobby and join a club’’ technique.
I’ve had some completely awesome dates (kayaking in the moonlight to a picnic on the beach), and some spectacularly awkward ones. One or two that just shouldn’t have happened in the first place (lunch at Subway, anyone?). A couple that never happened – darn it all.
I even had a go at the secret affair thing. It wasn’t for me – way too much work with very little payoff as far as I could tell.
I’ve gotten better at recognising the red flags and I’ve gotten better at defining what it is I’m looking for. I know what it is I want, and I also know what it is I don’t want. After a couple of false starts, I’m keeping my dating life completely away from my children, and also largely from my friends. It’s just too much pressure on everyone.
To anyone who is feeling nervous about re-entering the dating game, I would say this: it’s a great way to meet people that would otherwise never cross your path. Accepting that 99 percent of those you meet are not going to even come close to being a possibility will take some of the stress out of it from the start. It’s also an awesome way to get to know yourself – I have had to learn how to make small talk, how to define my life both to others and to myself. I’ve worked on my appearance. I’ve even had some sparks of romance.
So far I haven’t met the love of my life. But I have met some really terrific people, and almost all I met are now friends – or through those people I met others who are also now friends. Slowly, everyone’s pairing off and the friendships are less intense, but these people have shared my journey in a time that can be lonely and bewildering, but also eye opening and exciting.
How far are you down the dating road? Have you ever ignored a red flag or gut feeling? What happened? What do you think is the easiest … or hardest bit … about rejoining the world of dating and coupling?
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Simply Solo Spotlight: Dangers of Dating Yourself
Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Jenna of Cyril and Vivian, a lifestyle blog about everything from relationships to style to travel to embarrassing childhood memories. I love that Jenna offers another perspective to bad boys, a theme we’ve been talking about a lot lately (remember last week’s guest post?). When you are done reading and commenting, be sure to visit Jenna’s site for more of her writing!
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.
Dangers of Dating Yourself
Precipitation always cluttered our past. If it wasn’t pouring rain, it was snowing. Our love was relegated to the annals of winter and early spring (in Canada, this is also known as “still winter”). Now that I look back on it, the weather was so telling of our tumultuous relationship.
Back when I was into bad boys, I was a bad girl myself. The nice guys who bought me flowers and didn’t ask me for money and rides, I’d treat them the same way that the guys with tattoos and drug problems treated me: with aloofness, indifference and late night bootie calls.
And then I met D.
D was a resident bad boy. He had gorgeous long hair, played guitar, smoked like a chimney, broke all the collegiate rules I knew about and back in his day, he was even a novice arms dealer. He met all the major (and minor) 453,431 things on my checklist.
But what made him a bad boy the most of all? That fact that he wasn’t single.
Even though D wasn’t a douche bag when we met, he became one due to the circumstances of our relationship. I was a sordid secret banished to long weekends when D’s girlfriend was out-of-town and surreptitious nights at the library where we’d meet somewhere between the Pre-Raphaelites and the girl’s washroom.
And always during awful weather.
When our torrid affair was over, I was heartbroken. What I knew on the last day was the same thing I knew on the first day: he’d never leave his girlfriend for me and I’d forever remain the shamed other woman.
Why didn’t I get myself out of a bad situation sooner?
Well, D taught me a lot about myself, a lot of which never really resonated until I met my current boyfriend. Years after D, I continued to search for his replacement: someone who collected vintage guitars, someone who revered Plato and Homer over modern-day celebrities, someone with the same insatiable wanderlust and thirst for arcane knowledge as me, someone unavailable, and most importantly, someone who was incidentally just like me.
The things I loved about D were the same things I loved about myself. But at 19, the things you love about yourself tend to be shortsighted and kind of contemptible. At 19, I was a pretentious, self-centered snob. I read a lot of postmodern literature, I quoted a lot of German philosophers, I watched a lot of French New Wave cinema, I listened to obscure Scandinavian music and I wore my hipster flag proud.
And so did D.
When we’re young, we want our social circle to be a mirror to our own identity, not a mosaic or a net. You try to surround yourself with people who are just like you, people who make you feel secure with yourself by liking the same things. This rule applies to the opposite sex as well. But one of the repercussions of finding security in a doppelganger is the insecurity that comes with dating yourself.
Think about it. We all know how insufferable hipsters can be.
Even though the thrill of the forbidden clouded our affair, in the end, that wasn’t what made it so exciting. Sure, not being able to call him or drop by his apartment or hold hands in public brought some excitement to the whole tryst, but what made it really exciting was the absence of any discernible failings on his part. Perfection is titillating and stimulating but it doesn’t exist, which is why when we think we’ve found it, we try to hold onto it. I was obtusely blind to his faults.
And why would I have been more aware? I couldn’t see my own negative qualities, so why would I see them in my reflection?
But those bad boys we bad girls (and good girls) chase in our youth are so necessary in the grand scheme of the dating process. Yes, I went out with a guy who used to scream out baseball statistics during coitus. Yes, I used to go out with a guy who called me at 7 in the morning asking me to go over and help him clean up after a huge party he’d had the night before. And yes, I answered those bootie calls. These guys not only exemplified the type of guy that I didn’t want, but also, they helped me discover the type of woman I wanted to be.
When my current boyfriend and I started dating, I realized how much I didn’t want to be with someone who was like me. I was selfish, impatient, reckless, very irresponsible and had incredibly low self-esteem and no respect for myself. Not good traits to have in a mate.
Jenna and her special someone
Being a narcissist is just a by-product of being young. Realizing that you’re narcissistic and knowing that you no longer want to be is the reward of maturity.
And now when the weather is bad, I have an amazing boyfriend to curl up in bed and watch The Office with.
To those of you who are attracted to bad boys, did you date them because they were extensions of yourself? And if not, did you ever date someone who was just like you? Do you prefer partners who are similar to you or different?
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Hawaii Bucket List
My tan is almost completely gone, my crazy Margarita Dermatitis is starting to heal, we’ve had our first snowfall of the season and it’s been exactly a month since I flew home from Hawaii.
Yep, seems like it’s time to actually tell you about the trip.
Speaking of snowfall, I forced encouraged Chef (a card-holding snow hater) to play with me in the glorious white fluffy stuff this past weekend. I did the three most important things that one must do after a snow fall: make a snow angel, build a snow man and drink marshmallow lover’s hot chocolate.
Okay, I didn’t mention we only got a few inches. My snow angel is a bit more like a snow/grass angel.
Chef and my snowman. Snazy, eh?
And our snowman is sorta tiny. But not tiny enough to make the neighborhood kids show mercy upon it. Maybe 10 minutes after we built it, some hoodlums kicked it over. Kids these days! Where is this country coming to?
But the hot chocolate was awesome. Whoever decided to put the cocoa and the marshmallows in separate packets should win the Nobel Prize. You can mix the cocoa in thoroughly without melting the marshmallows. Genius.
Okay, back to my trip to Hawaii. There were some very specific things I wanted to do on my trip – a Hawaii bucket list, you might say.
I’m happy to say it was mission accomplished.**
Oh, damn. There goes the ** again. Okay, full disclosure. I missed one thing on my bucket list. I thought I wanted to go snorkeling when I was Hawaii. Let’s just say I slightly underestimated how cold the water would be in January. While it was warm enough for a quick swim, it never felt quite warm enough to go snorkeling for an extended period of time.
Without further ado, here is my Mission Accomplished** Hawaii Bucket List.
Drink a really girly drink while lying on the beach
Okay, turns out I was too busy enjoying said girly drink to take a picture of it. But here’s one of many girly drinks I had while on vacation.
I don't even want to guess how many calories these things had
Swim under a waterfall
You see this waterfall? Yep, I swam under it. My sister very accurately described how it felt: like swimming in bottled water. The water was so cool, refreshing and clear, I swear Aquafina comes in at night and bottles it to ship to your local Wal-Mart.
Isn't this beautiful? Interestingly, they also shot many episodes of Lost in this same area
Eat shaved ice from Matsumoto’s
Everyone I talked with before I went to Hawaii suggested that I go to Matsumoto’s in the North Shore. You can get shaved ice about anywhere in Hawaii, but everyone insisted on Matsumoto’s. Well, let me tell you, you guys were all right. This stuff was amazing. There were so many different flavors, I had no idea what to choose.
Too many options to just eat here once!
And even though I look pretty stressed in this picture (hello strained neck muscles), it was delicious. The vanilla ice cream surprise at the bottom of the cone was absolute perfection.
Promise I'm not stressed. Just very serious about my shaved ice, apparently
See the turtles
I was told by a coworker that in the North Shore, there is a spot where you can check out some sea turtles. I fantasized about the moment when I would come in contact with these beautiful creatures. I couldn’t wait.
When we got to the spot, I was immediately disappointed. Where the hell are all the turtles? There’s just a bunch of rocks here!
Upon first glance, all I saw was rocks
Yep, I’m pretty observant. Alongside the rocks were the turtles. I have to say, however, that I expected them to be a little livelier. I’m not sure what made me think that sea turtles would be these highly active creatures, but turns out they are just big versions of the slow ass turtles we have at home. Cool, nonetheless.
They really don't do much, I must say. They are turtles, after all.
Eat pineapple ice cream from the Dole Pineapple Plantation
So it’s clear that you have an ice cream addiction when you have a bucket list item to eat ice cream from the Dole Pineapple Plantation, not actually visit the Dole Pineapple Plantation. While I really enjoyed the ice cream, the visit was a lot more fun.
First off, let me just ask you. How do you think pineapples grow? On trees, right? Like coconuts?
I hope at least a few of you have been believed your whole life that pineapples grow on trees. Or maybe I’m just really dumb, because that’s what I always thought. Turns out they grow in little bush thingees (the technical term).
This is how pineapples grow
Here's another one - had no idea there were different types of pineapples, too
Here's what it looks like after it's picked. Or before. Damn it, I don't know. But the colors in this pic are pretty 
For some reason, we felt the need to point at the pineapple. Because that makes the experience more interactive
Of course, I had to buy some pineapples while there
Of course, I didn't know how to select a pineapple. Luckily, I had help. Unless she was messing with me, you are supposed to smell it and squeeze it for freshness
Since I can't find any good pictures of the ice cream I actually had, you can look at this sign. It looked like that. Ish
Go to a luau
Besides skydiving on my 27th birthday, my dad took us all to a luau. Unfortunately, my sister’s camera died and we didn’t get as many pictures of this awesome experience as we would have liked. (Incidentally, I should mention that about 90 percent of the pictures in this post were taken by my wonderful sister Natasha, our family photographer. Don’t know where we’d be without her!)
Let me tell you why I like luaus. Mai thais, hot guys, hot guys dancing, hot guys climbing trees, people playing with fire, fun chants and good food. Yep, that about covers it.
This guy showed us how they climb trees to collect coconuts. Crazy
Can't beat hot guys dancing at the luau. I definitely was in an objectifying men mood that night. It was my birthday, after all
This guy was our favorite. Enough said
Okay, okay. There were some women there too. This hulu dance instructor has the most perfect legs I've ever seen. I enjoyed watching the hula lessons. Until later, when they pulled me on stage. You won't be seeing the pictures - well, video - of that embarassment!
I tried raw coconut for the first time. Interesting...but I prefer it in a pina colada
The food at the luau was very good. I also tried poi for the first time and was not a fan
Here's our family picture at the luau
Visit Pearl Harbor
One of the very first places we visited was Pearl Harbor. There are simply too many pictures and thoughts I’d like to share from that trip. So I’m going to save it for another post. But I can tell you, it was definitely a remarkable experience.
Here's one shot of the USS Arizona to hold you over until I write about the whole Pearl Harbor visit
Not kill bond with my family
I don’t know if I’ve ever given my family history on Simply Solo, but my parents got divorced when I was six. My dad was in the Army, and my mom worked as a civilian for AAFES, the organization that provides food services, stores, etc. for the military. When my parents split, we were all stationed in Germany. Then, my dad got his new orders: move back to the United States. But my mom, now divorced from my dad, needed to stay in Germany with her job. At that time, our family split up a bit. I have two older sisters. My sister Natasha stayed in Germany with my mom and step dad, while my sister Debbie and I went with my dad and step mom to the states. After that, us three sisters never lived under the same roof at the same time again.
It wasn’t until this trip to Hawaii that I realized just how much we needed this time together for us sisters to reconnect and for us to reconnect as a larger family. Were there arguments? Yes, not gonna lie. Stick five very opinionated people in close quarters for two weeks straight, and there will be some fights disagreements. But the good thing is that you are also forced to get over those fights (who wants to be miserable on vacation?) – look for the good in one another – and be reminded how lucky you are to have a family that loves you.
Beyond completing my Hawaii bucket list, and having so many other fantastic experiences I can’t even begin to tell you in this blog post, I feel so blessed to have spent this time with my dad, step mom and two sisters. Thank you Dad and Uncle Michael for a truly unforgettable vacation.
My sisters and me at Pearl Harbor - we love self portraits. Debbie on left, me in middle, Natasha on right
My dad and me
My dad, me and my step mom Rike on the beach. It's possible this is the first picture the three of us have taken together since my college graduation
My two favorite sisters
What I wouldn't give to be back there
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
