Breakup Clichés and Words of Wisdom
June 16, 2010
We’ve all gone through a breakup and heard the endless litany of clichés and random words of wisdom from well-meaning friends, family and acquaintances. I’m here to break down what people say … and what the person going through the heartbreak thinks.
- There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Um, thanks for these sage words of wisdom. However, I was done fishing. I liked the fish I had fine, thank you. He smelled a little sometimes, but he wasn’t so bad. And, I have no interest in fishing, and frankly do not have the energy to shop for a fishing pole.
- I never liked him/her anyway. Oh really? So you were just pretending to like them all the times we hung out together? Nice to know, thanks for that little nugget of honesty (a little late).
- You were too good for him/her anyway. Variation on the above. Come on people. Not helpful.
- It is what it is. Wow, you’re deep. Got anything else for me? Wait, please hold, let me grab my notebook first.
- If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. We broke up, so clearly it wasn’t meant to be. And, I’m sorry, but I’ll pass on throwing my life to the whims of destiny.
- Love conquers all. Ohhhhh, my goodness, did I miss the memo? Was this on Anderson Cooper 360 that night I fell asleep on the couch? I wasn’t aware that love now conquered all. Phew, that’s a relief. Guess we’ll get those Middle East problems all worked out, and thank goodness we don’t have to worry about murder or anything anymore.
- Take it one day at a time. This one isn’t so bad, but at first, when every single day feels like an eternity, it isn’t so reassuring. Now I get it a bit more. Like, it makes zero sense to agonize about what Christmas will be like alone, or what in the world you are going to do when you need a date to a random work function (that, let’s be honest, your significant other was going to complain about going to anyway; you were going to get in a big fight just before the party, pretend like everything was fine, and fight some more after. Just me?). Taking it one day at a time is certainly more achievable than panicking about the future.
- How’s the wedding planning going? Whoops. Maybe this one is a little specific to me. But I swear if one more person asks me about the wedding (that clearly isn’t happening), I may have to move to Canada. Why Canada? The healthcare, of course. Oh and because I so much want to fit “aye” into my regular vocabulary.
- Better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all. Okay, so I never heard this one. I’m pretty sure most people knew if they said this one to me, their life may be in danger. Not kidding.
Do you have any to add to the list? And yes, I’m fully aware that when “time heals all my wounds” I’ll probably look at this list and be like, hey that was pretty damn good advice.
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Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey 
Catherine, I think you hit it on the head – it’s a journey and yes, you’re on it and (isn’t it exciting?) starting over (in your search for the partner you’re meant to be with who is probably even more wonderful than the person you were with; HOW EXCITING IS THAT?!). The older I get, the more I realize and try to embrace the idea that EVERYTHING good or bad is just a LEARNING EXPERIENCE, which because we’ve learned something we didn’t know before makes us stronger, more knowledgeable/wiser and better equipped to move forward on our journey with even greater ease and confidence. Catherine, I am so excited for you. I am certain that up ahead lies even greater PEACE, JOY, LOVE and ABUNDANCE for you. And, by the way, I LOVE the “voice” of your blog. You are an AMAZINGLY gifted writer. And, I think you are also helping many others like you who long to connect with others going through the same experience. Because you are such a talented writer, your blog will be that much more compelling and comforting to those who want/need to connect with you. Love, PT
lol!! That was great. It took me a second to realize that you wrote it – you got the brains AND the talent in this family 🙂
In Canada they say “eh”…and they have tons of fish in their lakes.
Men may come and men may go, there’s no reason to despair, for it’s better to have loved and lost than wash their underwear!
on a serious note, the healthcare in Canada sucks! Ask any Canadian!
I LOVE this blog. It’s like you’re reading my mind. Plus you’re writing stle is super-witty! My thoughts on those random times when you need a date of ANY kind….call a friend. Julie’s my go-to. I tell her what days she needs to take off work because I hate showing up to stuff alone. I can be yours, if you need one! I love getting dressed up these days and drinking too much =)
OH and you forgot 2 that I hear ALL the time–“Every cloud has a silver lining,” and “everything happens for a reason.” The latter makes me feel like maybe God has a sick sense of humor.
LOL You are right those are good ones that I missed. Thanks for pointing them out. 🙂 Also, you know I’m totally kidding around about sleeping in the bed. You can come sleep at my house anytime! I tried to sleep in the middle of the bed last night and it was just downright weird. And, for the record… I have about 3 bottles of wine waiting for us at home. Just let me know when you wanna hang out! (and no more trips to Raceway at 3 in the morning!!)
I just stumbled across your blog and thought I would let you know that I think it’s great! I was just about to write a blog post on this as well! 🙂
Thanks so much! Look forward to reading your post!
I think i have a good one !! Lets just be friends!! Really friends dont do the kind of things we have done.. Please just shoot me now!! And spare me the BS!!
Agreed. I think it’s almost impossible to go from being together to just being friends. And being “just friends” with an ex is pointless. There’s a reason you broke up. Move along… Ya know?
You are right. What’s wrong with them asking to be friends after they break your heart. Do they think they’ll make it right?
Hi Catherine
Seems like breaking up at the altar really flushes out the best and the worst in not only the couple but their friends and family too.
And, hopefully youve cooled a bit by now so that I can safely say that I agree with point number 10.
It is better to have loved ……… Im out of here 🙂
Rosemary
Haha, thanks, Rosemary 🙂
I think some men that say lets be friends like my last bf has said to me has the I cant let go issues not us. I want to move on and disconnect all contact with him and it is him who wants to be “just friends”. He is the one with letting go issues.
Lisa,
“Just friends” is impossible. You are either together or you aren’t. In many cases, you were never “just friends” so you don’t have anything to go back to!
All my exgirlfriends or wives ended up friends with me in the end and I never wanted anything out of them either. Friends in that context is used very loosely were nice to each other some times talk on the phone but we don’t go out of our way to hang out together. I think is the best for the man and woman because carrying around all that anger can’t be good.
I agree with all the points, especially the part about moving to Canada. I randomly see coworkers for jobs passed, and they’ll ask me the question every time without fail. I’ve become ruthlessly creative in my answers.
“Hi! How was the wedding?” Or alternatively, “How’s your wife?”
Both are equal in effect, and receive something on the spot (all usually based off a fictitious bio I wrote because I’m no good at writing bios for myself to begin with haha):
“The bunny returned. At first, the wedding started out normal and we had planned to sign the licence papers after the ceremony, but so much went wrong when the bunny appeared that we never made it to the end.
He wasn’t just hopping through the forest anymore–no–it was through the ceremony while bopping random family members on the head. They say that sometimes the past can come back to bite you in the ass, well this one came back with a knife; the same knife he used to shank me with in a scuffle we had some time ago. Why you ask? Well, to be honest, I seriously thought its tail was a cotton ball. No joke.
Let me give you some words of advice: never, ever pull on a bunny’s tail. Sure, I had no idea it was attached to a rabbit at the time, but he didn’t care. There was no explaining my actions, and honestly, if some random person wandered over to me and literally pulled on one or both of my butt cheeks, I don’t think I would be so forgiving either.
Anyway, to answer your question: between the Russian spies, traveling to a universe full of creatures made of ice, attacks from Gestapo that still haven’t realized that the war ended over half a century ago, animated ventriloquist dummies, and anything else that haunts me from my past, she couldn’t handle it anymore and we had to call it all off. Personally, I don’t blame her.
So how’re you? Kids doing well?”
Nonplussed, they usually stare at me for a moment trying to sort through whatever preternatural story I whipped up for them, and then go on to answer with the only thing they can make sense of, which is usually how they’re doing. Thus, I’ve effectively ended all the questions they would no doubt have like “Oh, what happened” or “..but you guys loved each other” or “..you were so perfect for each other” or some other comment processed in a plant that only deals in by-products that can’t be explained by science (read: hot dogs).
All in all, it entertains me, and I love the priceless look on their face. 🙂
_____
http://www.edward-grey.com
Also, I love writing so if my comments get too long, poke me in the nose with a stick. 😉
LOL Edward!!! I can’t imagine knowing what the hell to say if you told me a story like that. I’d probably be like, “What are you on??” hahaha 🙂 But very effective. I may have to consider a variation of this myself sometime.
“But you guys loved each other.” THE WORST. I seriously can’t even get started on this one. I’ll go all night.
PS, your comments are always welcome! In fact, you should consider a guest post…. 🙂 Email me for details: simplysoloblog@gmail.com
I’ve heard the majority of these over the past three and a half weeks PLUS:
“It’ll get better” – well it better had or I might just have to shoot myself now if this feeling is doomed to get worse!
“I know how you feel” – ummmm, did YOU just lose a four year relationship with my specific ex? no, you don’t know how I feel so don’t tell me you do!
And the best of them all, which almost resulted in this person receiving a black eye…
“Maybe you’ll get back together” – Seriously? Giving me that false hope is the way to send me spiralling into depression! Idiot.
I know these people are just trying to help but seriously, just listening to me moan and vent, and spending time with me is what I really need.
Love your blog Catherine!
Karen,
I heard all of these too! The worst. Whenever someone is going through a tough time, I say, “I can only imagine how you feel.” Because really, that’s all we can do. Now the get back together thing… that is just inappropriate to say. They aren’t in your relationship and they also aren’t a fortune teller, so they really shouldn’t comment. Like you said, they should just support you. But, most people get uncomfortable and don’t know what to say when a friend is going through something tough, so they say something stupid like this.
Take care of yourself Karen 🙂
Catherine,
Thank you so much for your story! I am sitting at my desk laughing and crying hysterically, both at the same time. You see, I married the man of my dreams 6 months ago. On our 4 month anniversary, he left and I haven’t seen him since. It’s been 2 months of absolute torture. Finding your blog was by total accident this morning, and I’m forever grateful for the laughing-through-tears… It’s all sooo true!
I hear “Everything happens for a reason” over and over. And over. And over again. And I hate it. What? Is there some Epic Lesson Made Possible by the Universe to be had? I doubt it.
And let’s not forget “But you were so happy!” Yeah. I thought so too. Obviously, half of “us” wasn’t. Grr!
Thanks for the laughs this girl needed,
Jen 🙂
Jen,
“But you were so happy!” UGH!! I heard that one too. Not helpful people. Not one bit. God, I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I am sending the most positive vibes ever your way. That sounds awful but you sound like a strong woman and you are going to be OK! I promise! Even if it doesn’t seem like it now. Lean on your friends and family… and tell them to stop with the cliches! 🙂
I particularly like ”but you’re so ‘LUCKY to be SINGLE, you get to do so many things that WE can”t….yeah thanks so much, it’s comforting to know that I can sit at home on my own on a Saturday night in pure delight while you’re hanging out with your significant other feeling miserable….
LOL, exactly Susan!! Sometimes people just shouldn’t say anything at all…
Enjoy reading all of this…started a relationship last May…swept me off my feet…someone I knew from 20 years ago. You would have never ever convinced me that I’d love him so much…turns out he was never as into me as he said…but he got me hook, line and sinker. Completely heart broken!! I want to break all ties but I am so afraid…it’s almost like I’d rather have him as a “friend” than not have him at all. How stupid is that? I just can’t seem to shake this guy…keep wanting to talk to him and trying to justify the fact that he will. Ugh!! O have heard all of these sayings…the worst ever is…You are single? You don’t know how lucky you are!! and Be thankful for what you do have..some people have alot worse problems!! Really…well I am not concerned with everyone else’s problems…just my broken heart!!
I randomly stumbled onto this blog. Thank goodness, because the wry, sarcastic humor is what I am in need of.
I am 5 days post being completely blindsided by my bf of just over a year. I never, ever, thought I’d feel the way I did about him, and I truly thought the feeling was mutual.
In a year+, we had 1 argument, and it was 2 weeks ago and he picked it. Without going into detail, because we’ve all been there, I brought up something I had noticed in the relationship, after stumbling around words, he said he’d been “dreading having this conversation” (so how long was he planning it for?), and told me he was no longer “interested” in me. That’s it, nothing more. This is a whole different level of hurt, he never said anything, never. I literally packed my things and left. That was it, like it was nothing…
Granted many of these statements were made out of concern, and I feel awful complaining, but I’m exhausted and just wish that some concerned comments were thought about before they were said…. So some of my favorite gemstones of the past several days are..
“Are you okay?”- Well seeing I look like a hot mess, who hasn’t showered or eaten in 2 days, and I’m text messaging you at 1am, and in that text it says the person I am head over heels in love with, basically said I was awful, no I’m not okay.
“Really? I thought he was the One?” Well thanks for the salt in the wounds and the reminder, that yes, I thought he was the “One”. Me being the girl who said she would never settle down, thought I’d found the “One”, well I was obviously wrong.
“You’ll be fine”, Though a classic of my mother’s and similar to, “Just take it one day at a time”, being told I’ll “be fine” seriously makes me crazy. I know that, I’m not imbalanced, I was single before, I know I’ll BE fine, but I’m not fine now.
“You originally said you weren’t sure if you should date him or not.”- Yes I did, because we’ve known each other for 8 years, and I feel jinxed in relationships, and I didn’t want to lose a friend. Thanks for the reminder that I shouldn’t have dated him.
“Well you know Jane, he had all of those issues with his last girlfriend.”- Wow, thanks, that was his last girlfriend, before me… I especially love the “Well you know”. Thanks.
“Why?, Why did he not give you more of an explanation?”- Well if I knew why, I would probably have more of an explanation.
SadJane,
“Really? I thought he was the One?” WHO SAYS THAT? Can’t believe you have someone in your life who would say that. Here’s what I’ll tell you – I’m positive you are going to be OK. Your head seems to be screwed on tight and while this time seriously SUCKS it won’t last forever. Promise.
“let’s be honest, your significant other was going to complain about going to anyway; you were going to get in a big fight just before the party, pretend like everything was fine, and fight some more after. Just me?”
Nope…. not one bit. One of the best (sarcasm intended wholeheartedly) fights were about my not telling her about the Christmas party because I knew she would make that a priority enough to drop what she was doing for an important project at work, drive 2 hours in traffic, get there pissed, and proceed to hang around people I didn’t care too much for professionally let alone personally. All for 45 minutes. I think we had that one a couple of times. Our jobs were completely different, as were our co-workers and the relationships we maintained with them – she liked and respected hers, and mine were, for the most part, trying to either kill me or get me declared “insane” in all sorts of subtle and deniable ways.
As for the cliches, my contributions:
“Really? It’s about time!” Great. Make me feel more loathsome about myself and trying to make it work all this time.
“Good for you!” See above.
“Nice loft! Are you going to turn it into a swingin’ bachelor pad??” On Facebook. At a time when my living arrangements were a point of contention between the STBX. Nice. Dolt.
Good blog, though… looking forward to following…
Thanks for commenting – and those are all really good ones to add to the list. And of course, nothing better than hearing from a guy on here. I always need a guy’s perspective!
Anytime…
“So, how’s (insert ex-partner’s name)?
**Awkwardly explain that you broke up**
“Aww but you two were so good together!”
**Long, lingering supportive-apologetic-“are you okay”-sympathetic look**
Thanks… you’re not making me feel any better.
So glad I found your blog! I’m going through a similar situation (minus an engagement ring) and it’s like you can read my mind.
Kayla,
LOL! Exactly that’s a good addition to the list! Thnaks for reading and I’m glad you’ve been enjoying Simply Solo!
Kayla- it’s as though being single is like a disease. I often wonder why people don’t ‘filter’ their thoughts.
I have had 2 breakups in the past 3 years and both times I heard something to the effect of “It’s better you found xyz out about him now rather than after you’d gotten REALLY attached.” Actually I was really attached. Both times. Love your blog, it’s really helping me feel better, as the second breakup just happened.
Ha, exactly. A lot of people told me I was lucky it happened before I got married. Okay, yes, I’m glad I found out before I got married. But I’m not sure that that little fact (those three little months between breaking up and when we actually would have been married) makes me lucky. The situation still sucks and it still hurts.
Sending positive thoughts your way!
All of these comments ring true to my current situation.
When I changed my relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single” it was like all these people who never talk to me came out of the woodwork.
Sad faces 😦 flooded my profile until I deleted them. Why should I be sad or :(. He was the one who messed up. I left him. I WILL be happier without him. HIS loss. No sad/ 😦 on my profile thank-you!
Here are a few things I HATE people asking me:
“what happened”- do you have a spare 5 hours, or should I just record this so that when the next 100 people ask me the SAME question I can just play back the recording.
“but you both looked so happy”- looks can be decieving. So can boyfriends, who lie right to your face and say they didn’t cheat on you.
“I really thought you two were next to get married”- ok really rubbing the salt in the wounds now.
Love your blog Catherine!!!!!!!!!
Loulou,
Thanks so much for commenting and sharing your story! God, I heard so many of the same things you did. Don’t people ever think??
“What happened?” = I’m nosy
“But you both looked so happy” = I am an idiot to even consider saying such a thing to someone going through a breakup
Take care of yourself!
you wrote that in 2010 – it’s now 2012. how are you doing? is it true, time heals? i’m just curious. i’m a year in and i’m still not right with things. still trying to figure out how to get over it. for the most part i do fine on a daily basis-being around people though is hard sometimes especially when they start asking about him or mutual friends bring his name up. i’d like to think mine is a unique situation but i guess everyone says that about their dysfunctional past relationships that end badly.
Thanks Loulou.
I’m at a small liberal arts college and can’t hide my face or my cascading emotions of the past two weeks since (guess when?) April 25th, i.e., thanks for your comment:
“‘what happened’- do you have a spare 5 hours, or should I just record this so that when the next 100 people ask me the SAME question I can just play back the recording.”
It made me smile a little (it’s fun to laugh about all the cliche advice you hear, even though you know it’s hard to come up with what to say, or it would be, if you weren’t living it).
Also, thank you Catherine. I’ve never been a fan of the internet nor of revealing personal information online (so no facebook), but reading your blogs has been tremendously healing for me, and a) you deserve to know my appreciation and b) you deserve to know that you are an excellent communicator– very human and talented at expressing exactly what is difficult to convey for most of the population as we hug ourselves in dejection or laugh ironically because life continues to be a “crazy tragic sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful” thing. I want to share my gratitude with you for taking the TIME to write this, so I’m going to spend some time telling you how much this means.
I probably won’t post another comment, because I’m wary of the repercussions of sharing things via social media, but suffice it to say that I will pray for you and all the people of the world, and I am honored to know your name (I will use it in my prayers too). And while I feel so so hurt and just betrayed, and (I repeat) hurt, and confused, and a little bit (is angry a feeling I can recognize? Yes, sometimes that too, doesn’t last, though shamefully, I wish it would come with some simultaneous empowerment sometimes) and of course, shocked by what’s “happened” to me in the past week and a half, as someone else helpfully pointed out to me today, he has already done the worst. And there’s no changing that. I’ve read almost all your posts in the past few hours, and I know I should feel blessed that we didn’t get married next year and go to grad school together. I would have only “found out later,” right? No, not quite right. This wasn’t a possibility, because it didn’t happen. However, I do know very intensely what did transpire. And I loved with all my heart, gave him all my love. Completely honest. And I should feel blessed that I have nothing I should regret (although, it’s true that you only realize how many people you neglected while you loved that one person so much).
Loving. That’s what you’re doing. I think you do a fantastic job of loving others. You’re always personal in your responses, often quoting back to your readers how you feel for them and value their existence, their experience. You and so many other people whose comments I’ve read in these last few hours have so much love to give, and you’re sharing it. It won’t go to that one person you had dreamed–and yes, even planned–to be with. But it travels throughout the world. Sincere, revealing love. I loved like that with one person. He had my everything. Now, I’m trying to move on to that other kind of loving for awhile. It’s so hard trying to make new dreams. Every moment my heart and mind and memories rearrange. But I know me. I’m not going to encounter a personal relationship with the same passionate, innocent, all-out adoration and happiness, but I am going to encounter each new and old relationship with love and honesty–and happiness.
So I started out writing this because I wanted to let you know these things, but if I were to be completely honest, I probably also wanted to reflect on them, and my comment is probably unnecessary, because you already know. And that’s something so special. Your untold future holds many wonderful joys which you will experience and share with grace and poise. Women have to stick together. People have to. That’s what it’s all about.
Wow –
This is such a beautiful and thoughtful comment and I’m ashamed to only be now seeing it. I’ve been so busy with work that I’ve fallen embarassingly behind on my blog. Thank you for expressing your experiences and the way you feel about the blog. It means a lot to me to hear this kind of positivity, because this blog is a work of love. What you say in your comment is exactly why I’ve been writing. But there’s more. My commenters and Internet friends I’ve met through this blog have been amazing. They helped me through my experience. I am so blessed.
Take care of yourself and thanks again for reading and commenting.
I think ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ has to be the most insulting cliche ever. Of course it’s bloody me! If I was so brilliant, you’d probably still want to be with me.
Just remember – It hurts when it heals. Geesh can the healing stop already because the pain cuts way deep right now.
i just broke off my engagement…the worst is when your mutual friend tries to make it about himself. “it doesn’t matter what i think, you did what’s right for you” or “but I am very upset with the situation, it may not affect me but its still close enough to home”. REALLY? let me drop how i’m feeling and come comfort you because you disagree with my decision or are “upset”. some people just aren’t supportive and make things about themselves.
How about ‘his/her loss’ …. like really, sometimes you’re like seriously? everytime?
So far, the worst: He loves you, he will come back; maybe months down the road. – ummm? Exactly what part of “He said he doesn’t want me, he wants her” did you NOT hear? Still suffering from that one. It’s fresh 5 days today – displaced, no home to go home too. Still waiting for the phone to ring, checking texts to find out that there are none, no sleep, no food, visions of them together that I cannot block. Hoping the click on the other line of the work phone is him dying to hear my voice, beg for my forgiveness – even though I know it isn’t; because that wouldn’t be like him…but that slight glimmer of hope you just gave me – that cuts.
Why would he be asking for your forgiveness? Just curious. I as because it resinates with my situation.
I’ve heard them all except (mercifully) for the one about wedding planning. Wish I had had these little retorts at the ready when I needed them. 🙂
I’d like to thank you for writing this. As I write a story where a character lists the stupid things she can say to a friend about to go through a breakup, it came in real handy, since I forgot most of them.
My boyfriend and I have just broken up and well he just dropped contact with me and I haven’t heard from him since. He was a good guy but I’m just confused and hurt. Reading your blog is definitely bringing a smile to my face though. Thank you!
I have heard all of these in some variation. After my breakup of 7 years. My favorite words of wisdom which came from a couple of close friends of mine was, “Just think you will have another firsts with someone, like first date, first kiss…” Umm yeah I cant even wrap my head around dating. let alone kissing someone else…