Open Letter to BP
Hi there. How’s it going? I know you guys are really busy (I mean a million gallons of oil a day doesn’t just spill itself), so I’ll try not to take up too much of your time. I wanted to ask you a small favor. I hope it won’t be too much of a bother, but I was really hoping you could wrap up this oil spill business sometime soon.
You see, I just realized the other day that my breakup directly corresponds with the oil spill (we broke up the day before). As you can imagine, it’s pretty inconvenient that every time I turn on CNN, I have to see a running ticker of the number of days since my breakup (and I mentally add one – so today, we are at 58 days since the oil spill. 59 from my breakup). Then, add on top of that the pictures of our ruined beaches, oil covered birds (no amount of Dawn is gonna clean them up!) and decimated economy, never mind the 11 people who died in the accident itself, and it’s just downright depressing. To be frank, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to take it.
So I’m just hoping that maybe if you aren’t too busy, I know you’ve got a lot going on (can’t be easy dealing with the president threatening to beat you up, all those damn scientists constantly raising the estimates or constantly having to answer to the media about what in the world is taking so long), maybe you could actually, um, stop the oil from spilling into the Gulf. I’d really appreciate it.
Thanks for your help in this important matter!
PS: Have you seen this video? Too funny. But I definitely wouldn’t take it personally, if I were you.
**Readers: clearly this post is dripping in sarcasm. Please no hate mail. Xoxo.