Facebook Breakup Settings
Navigating Facebook after a breakup can be terrible. When do you change your relationship status? You just know the minute you change your relationship status to single you’ll have a million wall posts saying “What happened!?” and “I’m here for you if you need me!” Should you unfriend your ex? That would really hurt their feelings, but do you want them to be able to see your every social networking move? Oh, and let’s just be honest with ourselves, you don’t want to unfriend your ex because then you can’t cyberstalk their activities anymore either!
These, and many other reasons, are why I suggest that Facebook create special settings for those going through a breakup. Here are some of the key features the breakup settings would do:
- Change your relationship status to single, and then automatically delete the corresponding wall post so no one sees it.
- Hide your ex so you don’t have to see him in your feed every five minutes (and you don’t have to agonize over the fact that he’s posting new pictures, deleting pictures of you, updating his info, basically getting his Facebook account back into dating shape. And what does it mean that he’s been playing a lot of Farmville lately? It must mean he’s lonely and bored and misses you. And who the hell introduced him to Mafia Wars? He didn’t play that before you broke up. It must have been another girl. That bitch.).
- Keep you from impulsively reaching out to old exes. There is a reason they are exes. The breakup settings will just know it’s a bad idea and not allow you to message them.
- Hide all those bitches from high school that are now engaged, married and/or having a baby – you don’t need to see that kinda happiness at this time. The breakup settings will bring to the forefront all the people who are going through messy breakups and divorces, that way you know you are not alone (and you are maybe even better off than some of them!).
- Intuitively know when you’ve had too much to drink and keep you from messaging the ex, visiting their page or looking through old pictures of you together, when you were oh-so-happy. Emotional cutting is not a good idea.
- Intuitively know when you’ve had too much to drink (or are just in a dramatic mood) and keep you from posting awkward status updates, like “I just know everything happens for a reason,” or “I miss someone today.” No one wants to read that. Or even worse, it will keep you from saying terrible things about your ex and airing your relationship’s dirty laundry. People definitely want to read that (it’s interesting stuff!), but you’ll regret it later.
- Automatically give you a new password. Because it’s highly likely you both knew each other’s passwords and can hack into each other’s accounts at the drop of a dime.
- Prevent you from posting pictures with the wrong intentions – ie: you with another guy because you want your ex to see you’ve totally moved on or glamour shots of you looking hotter than ever so he’ll know what he’s lost.
- When the time is right, eventually unfriend your ex. We all know that “let’s remain friends” hardly ever works, in real life or on Facebook.
What else should the Facebook breakup settings do? Don’t you think Facebook should totally hire me to help with this initiative?!