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Ageist and Dakota Recap

July 22, 2010

I have a confession to make. I’m an ageist. I never knew this about myself until I entered the dating world again. As it turns out, I’m really picky on how old the guy I date is. For some reason, I want him to be slightly older (assuming that means that will make him more mature, which obviously is not always the case. Some guys NEVER grow up!). But not too old – as I’m realizing with Police Officer, who is super nice and fun to be around, but for some reason I cannot get the age issue out of my head. We’ve had three dates now (and for the record, he still hasn’t kissed me – weird. I’m thinking A: we’ve entered the friend zone or B: I’m just not that kissable. It happens.). Last night, we talked about the 10 year age difference, and frankly, I’m the only one who has a problem with it! I just keep thinking that he’s got to be ready for more in a relationship than I am. Because while I think it might freak some guys out that just a few short weeks ago I was supposed to get married, I’ve never been further from wanting to get married than I am right now. So, I worry about dating someone who is so much older, because I just assume (perhaps incorrectly) that they will be anxious to get married, have 2 ½ kids, a Golden Retriever and a minivan and live happily ever after. The thought of that makes me want to throw up. Repeatedly.

On the other hand, I don’t want the guy to be too young. This past weekend, I was at the dance at the lake. I noticed an attractive man eyeing me from across the pavilion. He was more than just eyeing me – so was his entire family. It was so obvious, it was almost humorous. I assumed they were trying to figure out if I was single. After catching him in many stares, I waved. He pretended that he didn’t see me, and then I felt like a crazy person and assumed I was imagining it all! I even did the look over my shoulder, because seriously, how embarrassing would it have been if he was looking at someone behind me and I waved like an idiot? That totally seems like something I would do. Luckily, I wasn’t losing it. Shortly thereafter, he came and asked me to dance.

During the dance, I learn his name is Dakota (I started to make up a name for him, but I think the fact that his name is Dakota says plenty.). He is 20 years old, works in construction and has a 9 week old baby. Who he is not allowed to visit. Because there is a restraining order against him from his ex-girlfriend (who he explains is crazy. Hmm, she’s the crazy one? Ask the police, seems to me that they granted HER the restraining order!). Can you believe this is what he led with? On the first dance. Oh, but I should note, when he saw my reaction to the fact that he was 20 years old, he was quick to reassure me that he had a fake ID that said he was 24. Whew! I was worried there for a second. I feel MUCH better now.

Dakota was a charmer though, I’m not going to lie. The funny thing is, initially he was worried that I was underage and that’s what his family was trying to figure out before he approached me! Yeah, I totally look about 16 and it didn’t help that I had my hair in pigtails. But sadly, I’m an old woman and felt like a cougar dancing with a 20 year old.

While dancing, he said some really charming things like, “The minute I saw you, I knew I had to have you.” What the hell do you mean, have me?! I was a little alarmed at that statement. Oh, and he asked me to promise that I would be his date the next weekend at the lake. Yes, you heard that right. Not go on a date. Be his date for the weekend. I can’t even commit to more than a drink with a guy I hardly know, you think I’m going to commit to spend a weekend with your crazy ass?

He also suggested that he take me out on his family’s boat. To which I explained, um, no, I don’t think I’ll be going out with you on your boat. What, so you can rape me, kill me and throw me overboard? I don’t think so! (Before you say it, yes, I know I’m crazy).

He asked me to dance two more times, to which I said yes. He asked for my number, and I gave it to him. Why in the world would I do that, when I already had a weird feeling about him, you ask? For a few reasons:

  1. He was actually pretty charming. I suspect that’s how he got that young lady pregnant in the first place. Just a hunch.
  2. I’m channeling The Year of Yes where this woman said yes to every single date that she was asked on for a year (including one with a homeless guy and another with a woman!) – and it really opened up some great opportunities (including love) for her.
  3. It was flattering. It made me feel pretty/special. I’m nothing if not an attention whore.  
  4. I kind of don’t know how to say no. I never really had the opportunity to learn how to turn guys down – the only turn down I’ve ever had to use since I was 18 is “I have a boyfriend.” Or, later, “I have a fiancée.” I’ve never had to simply say “I’m not interested.”
  5. I had just said the day before that I wanted someone like Roberto on The Bachelorette. If you don’t watch, Roberto is a ridiculously hot baseball player (his pic doesn’t do him justice). He’s a sweet-talker and is probably the most romantic contestant I’ve seen on this show. He seems like the kind of guy that sort of sweeps you off your feet. And honestly, Dakota was Roberto-esque. In looks and in his romantic lines.
  6. Regardless of the “have you,” the restraining order, the baby and the fake ID, he actually seemed like a nice guy. Can you tell I totally fell for his charm?

So now, I’m in a pickle. The guy wants to go on a date (he’s off the weekend and boat kick, he literally just wants to go on one real date). Part of me is saying NO! What are you thinking?! Change your phone number now and learn your lesson! The other part of me is saying, seriously, what would one date hurt? You never know! The Year of Yes! And you are already too far down this path to turn back now! And, just think of what good fodder it’d be for the blog!

What do you think? And can someone please give me some tips on how to tactfully tell someone you aren’t interested? This is a lesson I need to learn, for sure. Better late than never.


17 Comments leave one →
  1. July 22, 2010 1:49 am

    1 – Age ain’t nothing but a number. If he has handcuffs and healthcare, he’s a keeper.

    2 – I like the “year of yes”. Can you channel that when I ask you to get me a cup of coffee? Thanks in advance.

    3 – Roberto isn’t real. It’s the Bachelor.

    4 – Respectfully tell Dakota that the lake is a place for relaxation, fun and friendship bracelets – no dating!

    • July 22, 2010 3:29 pm

      LOL. Handcuffs and healthcare… friggin hilarious, Cam. And Roberto is real! It’s reality TV!! 🙂
      Off to get you some coffee now … half & half and sugar?

  2. Emily permalink
    July 22, 2010 2:55 am

    I stumbled across your blog and I have to say you are just hilarious! Your writing style is spot-on sarcastic. Props to you, girl.

  3. Michael Freddy permalink
    July 22, 2010 3:34 am

    You should really know that age is just a number and really doesn’t mean anything. I’m not saying that you should go on dates with 50 year old men, but don’t make the 10 years different a factor when looking at the whole picture. I do think it’s a little odd that he hasn’t tried to kiss you yet. Three dates and nothing?!?! I would have expected a kiss definitly after the second date. Either way, maybe your right when thinking that he just wants to be friends. If you can’t get the age issue out of your head, it’s time to keep going on dates and keep looking 🙂
    (also remember Physic Sophie, no love in the near future lol)

    Dakota, hmmm. There’s not much to say there. Looks like you made up your mind. He’s 20, has a little baby, restraining order etc…looks like ALOT of drama to add into your mix. Plus it doesn’t seem like you are to interested. Just politely tell him your not interested. Your an honest person, I cant see you having a problem telling it like it is. Does he know about the blog?

    Once again, love the posts!! You have an amazing talent 🙂 I see a book writing in your future 🙂

    • July 22, 2010 3:35 pm

      Thanks, Freddie! I appreciate the advice (and of course, the compliments!). No, Dakota does not know about the blog, but I suspect you are right – time to cut that one off. Talked with PO today and he says he tried to kiss me on the second date after all, but I gave him the cheek! Not sure it happened quite that way, but two sides to every story… 🙂

      On another note, the other name I was thinking of calling Dakota was Kid With a Kid. Yeah, I’m a jerk, but I thought that was pretty funny!

  4. debra settles permalink
    July 22, 2010 4:51 am

    its like the song age aint nothing but a number…but i was there that night..and i have to say…i dont know about that guy….

  5. Joel Howard permalink
    July 22, 2010 5:37 pm

    Okay… First things first… You have to choose one or the other, either you’re going to say yes to every guy who asks you out or you’re not…

    If not then when it comes to turning someone down you already have the perfect excuse if you’re not interested, all you simply have to say is… “I’m very flattered that you asked me out, however I’m not in a place in my own life right now to date anyone. I’ve recently gotten out of a long term relationship that didn’t end well and I need time to not only to heal but time to enjoy and adjust to being single again; I hope you can understand this has nothing to do with you personally and if you were to ask me out under different circumstances I would’ve said yes” DONE DEAL! Who in their right mind is going to give you a hard time about that? If they do (give you a hard time) then you’ve already learned everything you needed to know about that guy anyway so you’ve saved yourself time and energy. If a guy is truly interested in pursuing you he’ll not only understand where you’re coming from but he’ll try to find creative ways to let
    you know he doesn’t have any intentions on hurting you he simply wants to get to know you a little better.

    Now, If you choose to say yes to every guy that asks you out then you have to be willing to take the good with the bad and prepare yourself for some crazy and/or strange dates. As far as this 20 year old guy goes; I simply have two questions… 1. Really??? 2. How many red flags do you need telling you he’s got plenty of things to work out in his life before he dates anyone much less you?

    Well I could go on and on but I’ll leave you with this… You’re smart, funny, loyal and attractive women, there’s no reason for you to feel obligated to say yes to anyone or anything you don’t feel comfortable with. You have a ton to offer any lucky guy you connect with (don’t try and force things) have fun with being single is truly not the end of the world I promise. 🙂

    • July 22, 2010 8:10 pm

      Joel, what an amazing comment! Thank you so much for taking the time to put so much thought into it :). I think you are right on about Dakota. The only trouble with me giving the “I’m not ready to date right now” speech is that, um, I have a dating blog. Where I write about my dates. Haha 🙂 But, if they have no idea about the blog, that’s an AMAZING response and I can’t wait to use it!!

      And you are right – I think I am going to embrace The Year of Yes a little bit, but not literally. I can’t imagine saying yes to just anyone – that could be really strange, if not dangerous!!

      Thanks again for reading and commenting!

  6. Millie Turner (Mom) permalink
    July 26, 2010 12:31 am

    Best that we leave Dakota out of the picture… I have caught up on all the blog posts great job next post its a small world hope your not to sunburned from the pool party today..

  7. Chad permalink
    July 26, 2010 1:13 pm

    Hi Catherine,

    Tasha sent me a link to your blog. I’ve never read a blog before in my life but I must say I’m impressed. Very interesting and well written. I’m hooked like a housewife watching a soap opera.

    Chad

  8. July 27, 2010 2:51 am

    LOL, thank you, Chad! 🙂 I appreciate your reading. Now if you start eating bon bons, we may have a problem!

  9. Dana permalink
    August 1, 2010 1:52 pm

    He’s 20 with a baby, AND a restraining order. If you decide to date him, please only do it for the inevitably hilarious blog entries. Nuff said.

  10. October 8, 2010 1:27 pm

    I’m picky about age too, but the older I get the more relaxed I am about age differences. I’d still like a fella who is older than me but not too much older than me. When I was your age I had a 3-year rule. Three years younger than me (which hopefully meant he had already graduated from college or at least worked his way into a respectable job) or up to 3 years older than me.

    Now, at 31, I can hang with a 5-year rule. I break it from time to time, but I always regret it when I do. (For example, Pancake man was 8 years older than me.)

    If I’m still single by the time I’m 40 maybe it will be up to an 8- or 10-year rule.

    • October 10, 2010 11:40 pm

      My ex was 8 years older than me, and it got in the way sometimes because we were always at such different life stages. It wasn’t until the last four years together that we were really in the same place, you know what I mean? So I really want someone closer to my age this time, so we have some of the same cultural references, experiences, friends in the same age group. But I can see how the older you get, the less the number matters. I like a good 5-year rule. 6 tops. Unless they are younger and not old enough to drink. Come on now.

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