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Raúl: Part 2

August 4, 2010

***Note: Be sure to catch up on Part 1 first. Fair warning, this blog entry is pretty long, but I wanted to tell this story – not because it is particularly interesting, but because it’s relevant to my progression and learnings about being Simply Solo.***  

For weeks, Raúl was hot and then cold, and I never quite knew who I was going to get when we texted, talked on the phone or hung out. He could be super attentive, seem really into me – and suddenly, he would disappear for days on end and then reappear as if nothing has happened. I’m convinced he has a wife and kids at home or something. There was always some excuse for his disappearing act, including an abnormal amount of trips to the emergency room (I think he’s been to the emergency room at least three times in the two months I’ve known him!).

One night, I made him dinner. I don’t cook. Um, hardly ever. When I asked Raúl what he wanted for dinner, he said he wasn’t picky and anything would do. As long as it was low carb and diabetic friendly. Hmm, not such an easy assignment. To add to that, Raúl asked me if he could borrow some money for gas, partially to get to my house (I mean, yeah, I live in Chester. Not another state.). It was odd; I’ve never been asked to loan a guy money. For some odd reason, I agreed, loaned him $20, made him dinner and we definitely kissed a lot that night. He told me he didn’t think I was psycho any more (um, thanks? What did I do to earn that honor?) and he’d pay me back in a week.

Sometime later (after continued hot then cold behavior, and what I considered to be some serious game playing on Raúl’s part), we went on our first real “date.” The date was, as expected, pretty fun. I always had a good time with Raúl. And, I found him to be pretty attractive, except when he seemed to be acutely aware that he is attractive, and then he was just a bit too egotistical for me. After going out to dinner, we hung out at my house. When he, and I am not lying here, purposely farted in front of me.

Yes, he farted in front of me. Literally lifted himself out his chair to really make a point of it. I didn’t quite know what to do. This was our official first date! He thought it was hilarious. I probably laughed awkwardly, but I wasn’t a fan. When he did this, I realized he hadn’t done anything like this before when we had hung out. I wondered if he was just testing me – doing whatever ridiculous behavior possible to see if it would drive me away, or if it would make the blog. He actually mentioned several times if his behavior was good enough for the blog.   

Besides that, it was during this date that he admitted that he was intentionally being elusive (his word) with me. Purposefully taking hours or even days to respond to me and making a point to act like he wasn’t that into me. He said it made me want him more. I suspected that there was probably some truth to this, but didn’t say so.

That night, he left without a kiss (which was odd, considering we had kissed several times before). He then said he wanted to see me again, soon, and that he’d had a blast talking with me. To this point, we’d only been seen each other about once every other week, and talked primarily through e-mail and text. I said to myself, we’ll see if you mean it.

Unfortunately, nothing had really changed and he continued to act “elusive.” The week following our date, we were supposed to hang out Wednesday, but he cancelled our plans. We made new plans for Thursday, then he blew me off again. Thursday night he told me that he was going through some stuff and really needed a friend. I offered my friendship, and told him I’d be there to listen if he needed me, and he acted as though that’s something he really wanted. I obviously thought this was great, considering I’m a woman and there’s nothing better than fixing a guy (only partially kidding). I offered (stupidly, really) to hang out on Friday. He said he thought he could, but that he’d let me know for sure.

Friday afternoon came and went and he still hadn’t let me know about that night. I texted him because I wanted to find out if we were hanging out, because if not, I wanted to make other plans. I never heard back from him. After he blew me off all weekend, I realized he’d gone MIA again. At this point, something in me just was done. For real this time. I e-mailed him and told him I wished things didn’t have to be the way they were, and I wished we could get things back to when they were really fun, before he started to play games. I did say if he wanted to continue the friendship, and if we could somehow get back to where we started, I would like that. But if not, I asked for my $20 and book back. He didn’t respond to the e-mail. And, I have yet to see my book or $20.

So, now that this friendship is probably officially over, I have to learn something from it. Why did I care so much that he was blowing me off, and why didn’t I just let him go when he started to do so?

Fact is, Raúl was my first crush after my ex. I so desperately did not want that first crush to turn out to be a bust. I’m not saying I wanted it to end in marriage or anything, but I wanted it to at least be a positive experience. And I think, looking back, we obviously got too comfortable too early, and shared things too early. So while at first it was fun to connect with someone in that way, it was obviously too much too soon. And, at the time I thought that I was not playing games with him, but now I can see that I was probably too forward with my emotions – whether it was telling him I liked him, or telling him exactly how I felt about his shady behavior.  

The trouble is, I really liked this guy. He was really cute and something just felt like it clicked with us, but he made me feel like I never knew where I stood with him (and I think he actually really enjoyed my uncertainty). I think if I met him now, I would be able to handle the game playing a bit more (and maybe play a few games myself; all’s fair in love and war), but I just met him too soon after my breakup and I was in a weird place. It’s also possible that I projected some of my hurt feelings around my breakup onto Raúl. Not that I’m saying any of this to diminish the fact that he was a game player – I just need to take my responsibility in the situation as well.

So really, what did I learn? Well, for starts, I learned:

  • Don’t loan someone you barely know money or your favorite book (Um, this one should have been obvious in the beginning.).
  • Don’t get too close or too serious too soon. It takes away a lot of the mystery, and frankly, the fun.
  • Don’t say you are done when you are not actually done. That’s just crying wolf.
  • Watch alcohol intake. Do not become a clingy girl. 
  • Don’t forget this quote by Maya Angelou: “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Raúl was who he was – he didn’t hide it from me, really. I just didn’t want to believe it. 

So, I guess that’s that. You win some you lose some. I know I’d do things differently, I’m not sure if he would, and I’m not even sure if things would be different if we had both done things differently.

Next steps: Hide Raúl on Facebook so I don’t have to see his status updates (he pretty friggin’ funny and I don’t want to be compelled to Like or comment on any of this stuff) and take Raúl to extremely small claims court. For the book and the $20, that is. If only I could get my first kiss after the ex back, so it wouldn’t be such a blah memory. Oh well.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Michael freddy permalink
    August 4, 2010 12:32 pm

    You win some, you lose some. Seems like you learned a few life lessons with this guy. It sucks that he was the first kiss after the breakup but remember, your still single and there are a lot more memories (hopefully good ones) to share with other potential dates 🙂

    Once again, great post! I never thought I would be a subscriber to a blog, but your writing is amazing 🙂

  2. August 4, 2010 7:12 pm

    You are right, lessons learned and hopefully I just won’t repeat the same mistakes again. However, sometimes you have to make the same mistake at least about three times to really get it :).

    Thanks for reading the blog and I’m really glad you enjoy it! I never thought I would write a blog (seriously this all just sorta happened one boring night!), so I can’t tell you how much it means to have people read on a regular basis. Appreciate it.

  3. August 8, 2010 10:25 am

    Dudes like that aren’t worth the trouble, trust me I know a couple guys like that and their whole thing is just leading nice women on. The will get away with it for a while, but eventually they start to get a wee bit older and not as smooth and end up alone. Find a nice dude, I bet you can.

    • August 8, 2010 2:39 pm

      Thanks so much for your advice and your comment! I’m definitely working on finding a nice dude … It’s not as easy as it sounds, however. We’ll see!
      Thx for reading, Catherine

  4. August 9, 2010 12:34 pm

    Blah memory is one way of looking at it. The other, the inspiration behind How Very Lucky, is Bad Date = Funny Story.
    And you have ALL the makings of that here!

    1. His bladder is the size of a peanut.
    2. He is capable of getting a concussion at the drop of a hat. Literally.
    3. He may be a hypochondriac. Or he’s VERY fond of emergency rooms.
    4. “Do you snore?” “No.” “You snored!” “I didn’t know I was going to sleep over”
    5. He borrowed 20 bucks so he could come to your place (empty handed) for the dinner that YOU had cooked for HIM! Amazing!

    So you have all this hilarity AND the fact that you’ve now gotten the FIRST KISS after your ex out of the way.

    This is all good. Now time to leave this “prize”, Raul, for some illustrious lady on the cabbage diet so those two can fart the night away.

    • August 10, 2010 2:27 am

      LOL – thanks so much for this comment. You have me cracking up, and definitely feeling better about the whole experience, so thanks a lot. #5 is my fave – you make a really good point! He didn’t even bring a bottle of wine during dinner! No side! No dessert! Nothing! I’ve always been taught to bring something to a dinner party… LOL. I find it hilarious that no only did I make him dinner, I paid for him to get there. I also fed him beer and wine (lots of drinking that night, haha!). And he still has my damn book! Perhaps I should go to the ER to track him down?? 🙂

  5. Misstreated81 permalink
    October 17, 2012 12:11 am

    Oh I actually dated a guy raul after my break up who was my first kiss and he did the games, the blow offs and I wish I had read this before making every mistake you did… hahaha funny I dont feel so Psycho anymore… Men are soooooo typical. Now I think you said the name was changed… which is funny its him to a t except for the diabetic part/ he was lactose intolerant. Wow

    • Misstreated81 permalink
      October 17, 2012 12:18 am

      – I posted this too soon, as for the above comment continued… The similarities are so identical I think many women have a raul in their life… mine of which that was his real name LOL, and towards the last night I would see him , .. I cooked him dinner oh my its so similar….the last time was yesterday and i was grabbing my pan back from him after a week of not speaking one word or replying to one text and i wanted an explanation since we had spent almost two months pretty consistent and instead i was getting the complete cold shoulder and silent treatment door locked and I knew it was my cue to go. I had wanted him so bad, thinking i could get him to change especially since he is ten years older then I am and we both had children. But I think I was just what he was looking for a girl out of a broken engagement I am sure he figured me to be the type to go back to him or not want a serious relationship… but I did not, he just grew on me… every day more and more… You always want what you cant truly have… and that was it. I could not have all of him even though I gave him all of me way tooooo soon I want my kiss back TOO 🙂 I am glad he was shut off to me, today it hurts but not as bad as the past week, I will get over him sooner then i thought and I loved reading your story it helped … thank you

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