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Five Dates With Chef Recap

August 16, 2010

It’s been awhile since I updated you on the progress with Chef, and I think it’s partially because I’ve been so busy with other blog posts and partially because I’ve been a little unsure of where it’s going. Anyway, I wanted to give a recap on how things have been going. Fair warning: this is a long post, so grab a beverage and get ready to hear about the past two and a half weeks with Chef.

I don’t know if your family does this, but every Thanksgiving, we go around the table and talk about our highs and lows of the day. It’s actually really fun to hear what everyone says. This is how I’m going to describe my dates with Chef.

First date – Dinner, dessert and lots of drinks

Summary of date: See recap here.

High: The kiss at the end of the night. It was one of the best first kisses I’ve ever had.

Low: This date didn’t have a major low, but the tomato conversation might have been one. I appreciated the honesty, but I’m concerned we are in different places – I really just want to date. I’m not looking for anything serious, with anyone.

Second date – I’m a groupie, and OMG Denny’s

Summary of date: On the Saturday night following our first Thursday date, Chef asked me to come up to his bar/restaurant to listen to a band and hang out with him. I had no other plans, so I headed to Richmond. I felt like a total groupie, sitting at his bar for another night in the same week, and he’d even put my name on the list. After we left the restaurant, we ended up at Denny’s for breakfast at 2 a.m. Awesome pancakes – a high in themselves. And I haven’t been at Denny’s so late since high school, so that was really fun.

High: How awkward Chef got when his friends kept coming by our table to talk with him (and to meet me). One friend in particular was friggin’ hilarious, but admittedly a slightly odd character, and Chef seemed to actually be blushing. It was cute. Other high: After we ate at Denny’s, we walked to the car. Chef went to open the door for me, and kissed me. In the parking lot of Denny’s. You wouldn’t think it was romantic, but it oddly was. It was also made complete with some crazy people just outside of Denny’s who were yelling random things, which was kind of distracting, but funny and memorable.

Low: There were a few lulls in conversation through the night, and I felt like it was my job to fill the silence. And boy, did I fill the silence. Thing is, I’m pretty up front and there aren’t many topics I won’t discuss. I could tell there were a few things that I said that probably made him uncomfortable or he felt like it was TMI. He might be right, but the way I see it, that’s just my personality, and he can take it or leave it.

Third date – My turf, dinner, movie and a makeout session (oh my!)

Summary of date: Chef made the long journey to Chester to visit me at my humble abode. We went to dinner at a sushi place nearby (I don’t think he was a fan, and he actually used to be a chef at a sushi place so I can’t blame him for not loving some Chester sushi). We made last minute plans to go see Inception at 10:30 (um, way past my bedtime but he really wanted to see it). We killed time between dinner and the movie by getting a drink and going to Wal-Mart to buy a ton of candy to sneak into the movie theater. I knew my purse the size of a diaper bag would come in handy at some point. After the movie, he came back to my house. And we talked and made out. All night long. We literally went to sleep for 45 minutes, tops. It was crazy and fun and something I’ve never experienced before.

High: Making out all night. I’m not gonna lie, it was kind of amazing. Other high: The fact that Chef was game for sneaking snacks into the movie theater.

Low: Feeling like absolute crap the next day. Thank God it was a Friday because I can’t do that midweek!

Fourth date – Movie at home, weirdness (He’s Just Not That Into You) and the beginning of drama

Summary of date: This was the very next day after the marathon make out session. As Chef was leaving in the morning, he mentioned he wanted to try and get off of work that night and come see me again. I thought it was flattering that he wanted to see me so soon, and after such a fun night I was all about it.

But when he came over, things seemed really different. He didn’t seem to be into me at all and it seemed like he didn’t even want to be there. I wasn’t sure what had changed from just the night before, but I assumed he must have been just really tired. Or maybe during the day he changed his mind about wanting to hang out but then felt bad telling me so came over anyway. Either way, it was awkward.

High: The real high for this date was the anticipation of him coming over. Other than that it was actually kind of a bummer.

Low: As I mentioned, he just seemed pretty distant during this date. The main low for me was when he left, he gave me a peck. Like a passionless, we’re married, peck on the lips. I had to initiate a real kiss. Which was weird, especially considering we’d spent literally hours kissing the night before.

No date – just drama

After the fourth date, things felt weird with Chef. He was pretty distant all weekend, and although I was in town (I often go to the lake on the weekends), he didn’t make any attempt to see me again. I figured he was done, and because he was done, I was done too. I was already writing him off (I have a bad habit of that). On Sunday, we were texting, and I did something really stupid. I asked him a probing question without considering the consequences. I basically asked him how I compared to his perceptions of me prior to us going out. If you remember, he’d read the entire blog and had heard a lot about me from our mutual friend. I wondered what he thought now that he knew me pretty well. Man, was I opening up a can of worms.

Chef proceeded to tell me that I was exactly as he’d thought, only I was far more insecure. This certainly wasn’t what I expected to hear. He gave some examples of my insecurities (via text), all of which I felt were out of context. Not that I think he’s off base – I definitely have my insecurities. Just not about the things he referenced.

Part of me was pissed. I had no idea he was going to go there, passing judgment on me, and via text. And, I was bothered because it was like he was calling out the very worst in me – the part I want to hide, desperately. And truly, I couldn’t be pissed, because A: he was right, I can be insecure and B: I asked for it, so I shouldn’t ask questions I don’t want the answers to.

I explained back to him why he was wrong about some of his points, but that overall he’s right: I have insecurities. I’m not sure I would call myself an insecure person, but it is what it is. You go through what I’ve been through, and you’re bound to have a few insecurities. But, I pointed out to him that everyone has insecurities, even him. To which all he said was, “True.” I was unbelievably annoyed by the whole exchange and immediately went to bed after the conversation.

Fifth date – Lunch and making up

Summary of date: The morning following the insecurity conversation, I was pretty much over Chef. In the midst of calling me insecure, he’d said several times that he really liked me and wanted me to be comfortable with how much he liked me. But I didn’t see that. All I saw is here is this guy who has been distant for days and is now calling me insecure. Then, Monday morning, I received a text from Chef. He wanted to take me to lunch. This was surprising, considering our exchange the night before. I agreed.

High: I could tell he was trying to make up for the night before. I appreciated that he could tell I was pissed and that maybe he shouldn’t have gone there (not that he was really wrong, just maybe it wasn’t the right place to go) and he was trying to make it up to me. And suddenly, the connection was back. It was like Thursday night again and as though the bad Friday date didn’t happen.

Low: It was a little unnerving seeing him after such an awkward conversation the night before. And, he made no mention of the weirdness of the past several days. To be fair, neither did I. We just both acted like nothing had happened. Which can either be a good or bad thing. Other low: I was back into him. And he was going out of town for a week, which sucked.

So that’s where things stand now. We’ve been texting like crazy since he was out of town, and he comes back today. I’ve actually missed him since he’s been gone. We’re supposed to hang out tonight, and I’m really excited about it. I’ll let you know how it goes!

In the meantime, please sound off in the comments and let me know what you think! This is all new territory for me, so I’d love any advice you have to offer …

30 Comments leave one →
  1. August 16, 2010 10:12 am

    I’ve several thoughts here:
    A rant: I positively abhor when ppl take things out of context and then think they’ve “learned” something about you via that! I know so many guys who do this..WTF? And they’re not stupid ppl either!? Do guys hear everything you say to them in a vacuum, void of any backdrop of circumstances additional info? If so, that makes conversation, IMO, very dangerous and possibly incriminating which = STRESSSSSSSFULLLLL. For ex: I call an attractive girl a b*&#h… the key to that conversation is if I’ve told you said b*&#h STOLE $3k from me last year when I let her stay w/me for a few days…right? It’s not some random “I hate her (bc she’s pretty)” or anything… When ppl take out bit parts of your conversation and feel they “know” something, they should really have listened to all of it or they don’t really know what they’re talking about…ughhh..that’s annoying!
    And two: I actually think it’s cool that Chef was so honest w/you when you asked him and then continued to get to know you instead of sitting on that only partially qualified “judgment”. He sounds like a cool guy! Guys just needs to remember that as you’re talking, it’s not in a vacuum, but often has a lush background as well and it’s all part of the mix…

    • August 16, 2010 11:13 am

      Haha, I love this rant! I do think that guys hear things in a vacuum sometimes. Or, they really only hear what they want to hear – and often times, they pick and choose the things about a girl that makes her “crazy” and choose to focus on those instead of her positive qualities. I can’t tell you how many guys have told me “crazy girl” stories lately. While humorous, I find it impossible to believe that there are that many crazy girls out there and the guys have no ownership for their own actions. Lately, I find myself doing just the opposite – I hear the bad things from guys, but then make excuses for them and try to focus on the good qualities. I’m not sure if that’s much better, but at least I’m not taking a few actions way out of context and making an overall judgement about the person.

      I agree, I am happy Chef felt like he could be honest about what he thought. He really does seem like a good guy. I was taken aback by the whole conversation, but at least I know he’ll tell me what he thinks (and I’ve learned my lesson not to ask questions I probably don’t want the answer to!!).

      Thanks for your comment, great to hear another perspective!!

  2. August 16, 2010 11:38 am

    Ahhhh Cat…now you’ve gone and inspired me to write a full-on rant about the whole crazy/girl stalker bit that’s running rampant today… To hear guys tell it, 90% or more of females out there are crazy psycho “stalkers”….now C’MON?! Seriously?! Yet, another thing I detest and now a tool I use for weeding out the self-consumed, immature drama kings!

    • August 16, 2010 12:21 pm

      LOL, please do write that blog post. It’s begging to be written. Guys are out of control with their crazy girl myth telling!!

  3. August 16, 2010 12:48 pm

    This post highlights and experience I’ve had frequently while dating. A man behaves in an ambiguous manner and the result is me not understanding how he feels about me and I’m confused. But the man — who hasn’t been clear about how he feels at all — then basically blames me for being confused and labels it “insecure” in an effort to turn the whole thing around on me.You’re right, it’s my fault that you don’t know (and haven’t explained) how you feel about me — WTF.

    Good luck with this fella. I’m glad the sparks are back, but as a woman who has been in a (five-year) relationship with a man who was not open about his feelings toward me I have a warning — make sure he is secure enough to tell you how he feels about you on a regular basis. No matter how he does it you deserve to be told how amazing he thinks you are.

    If he’s too lazy to do it it will make you more insecure and he is too lazy for a girlfriend in that case. You already knew that though, right?

    Did that make sense?


    • August 16, 2010 5:15 pm

      Crystal, I can’t tell you just how much sense you made. Very wise advice indeed. Chef actually has been really good since this situation of telling me how he feels, and I’m confident that he’s into me. I think he’s partially doing this to reassure me after the weirdness, but it’s OK either way. It’s so much easier to be on the same page instead of just endlessly wondering where you stand. And I agree, I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who is too lazy to make me feel special. I deserve to feel special. And I’m only going to be with someone who deserves to have me make them feel special in return. I think that’s such an important part of a relationship. I’m sorry that you had to deal for five years with someone who didn’t make you feel special – you deserve much better. The interesting thing with my ex was that he made me feel VERY special, wrote amazing letters to me professing his love and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, told me regularly how much he loved me and gave me regular, very thoughtful gifts – but his other actions and behaviors in the end showed me that I was not special at all, obviously cumulating in us cancelling the wedding. So it’s a fine balance. Don’t just tell me I’m special, don’t just make it clear that you like me (or in later stages, that you love me), show me with your actions and your commitment and your honestly. That’s the perfect balance for which I’m looking. I really hope I’ll be able to find it – and you too!

  4. August 16, 2010 4:51 pm

    I think you made a good point that everyone has insecurities, especially after break-ups (speaking from experience) – I hope he’ll be more sensitive to this from now on. I hope your date tonight has lots more highs!

    I’ve read more of your past posts and you seem like a naturally great blogger – your writing just seems to flow, sort of like a good date where everything clicks!

    • August 16, 2010 5:22 pm

      Thanks so much for your kind words! I feel the same exact way about your blog – I was catching up on posts last night and really enjoying your writing and stories.

      I also appreciate your comments! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate a male’s perspective … as you can imagine, I have quite a few female readers, but not so many male readers (except for the guys I date that are lurking, lol)! Hope you’ll keep coming back.

  5. Ramon permalink
    August 17, 2010 12:12 am

    Well it sounds like Chef doesnt sugar coat it at all.. Which in some cases is great! However there are always emotions and feelings that get hurt in the process. No matter how u say things you live and you learn.. Your gonna have your cold nights and your hot nights in the end u still find a way to say warm.. Best wishes to the both of you and play nice..

  6. Dana permalink
    August 17, 2010 7:53 pm

    Yo. I gotta tell you, I like that he answered you honestly. His delivery may have been shitty, but he IS a man, after all (the penis tends to inhibit articulation). At least that shows he’s trustworthy. I think I like Chef.

    • August 17, 2010 9:01 pm

      LOL. I like “the penis tends to inhibit articulation.” Dana you are so right and so funny!!!

  7. Dawn permalink
    August 17, 2010 8:45 pm

    Im so a fan of chef, especially after he showed me the proper way to sharpen my knives, lol…oh yea and the best chick parm ive had…EVER!! 🙂

    • August 17, 2010 8:59 pm

      LOL. Yeah, the chicken parm was pretty amazing. I was a fan. Can’t wait to eat leftovers!! And who knew that tool was for sharpening knives? Thought it was just for looks…. Haha

  8. Dawn permalink
    August 17, 2010 8:47 pm

    Quick Aside…is that our Ramon, as in at our complex…so sweet!!

  9. Random Cook permalink
    August 18, 2010 2:24 pm

    I shouldn’t be posting, especially since I said I wouldn’t read anymore. I think most of these comments are correct, and a lack of articulation due to the penis is hilarious. It was a mistake to call you insecure based on basically harmless things you were saying, even if I was being honest. I think how that would make me feel and I realize how unfair it was. I have learned a valuable lesson. And I am really into you. My advice….make more dates. I hear he cooks a mean meatloaf. Ha. Nice posts though.

    • August 18, 2010 11:55 pm

      You are right, you aren’t supposed to be reading anymore. What in the world happened? You were doing so well … Oh well. Tis the trouble with having a dating blog and actually dating.

      Thanks for the apology, but it isn’t necessary. I totally get where you were coming from. And I shouldn’t have asked, for sure!! We’ve both learned lessons here. haha

      I’m in for the meatloaf. If it’s even half as good as the chicken parmesan from the other night, we’re in business …

  10. August 18, 2010 3:56 pm

    I have this saying that there shouldn’t be drama at the start at the relationship.

    Of course, notice that I said I *have* the saying. I didn’t say that I actually *live* by it. 😉

    As a guy who’s admittedly acted like this in the past, I’m guessing that he does like you, but maybe he’s still trying to figure out for himself how *much* he likes you. Or, maybe he’s trying to decide if he wants to let himself like you. So, he has his high moments and low moments, and the way he’s been acting towards you is a reflection of these moments.

    Either way, though, the fact that he is basically insinuating that he would like you so much more *if* you weren’t so “insecure” is kind of a red flag, no?

    I mean, is he trying to change you? Already?

    For what it’s worth….

    • August 18, 2010 11:30 pm

      Thanks, Dennis, for this comment. I really appreciate hearing your perspective … and this is definitely something to think about. As far as the drama goes, I don’t know how it happens, but I seem to invite drama into my life. If The Secret is true (law of attraction crap, or genius, depending on how you look at it, that Oprah has been hocking for years), I must be putting something out there in the universe to invite drama into my day-to-day activities. Not that I’m complaining, keeps things interesting :). And sometimes, it’s self created drama, for sure (haha!). But I think you have a really good point – it shouldn’t be complicated in the beginning of a relationship.

      I also like what you said about the high and low moments – that makes a lot of sense. I hadn’t really thought of it that way. Your entire comment has given me something to think about, for sure…

      • August 18, 2010 11:44 pm

        Hey, thanks. I was just reading your posts about “Raul,” and I find them kinda similar to this situation, no?

        Anyway, I was inspired to comment because your stories remind me a LOT of an ex-girlfriend of mine. She was bi-polar and, honestly, I think she sometimes didn’t take her meds.

        When she was “up,” she was the most awesome person, and we had a perfect relationship.

        But, when she was “down”… yikes. I’d say one wrong thing to set her off, and she’d be mad at me for a day straight. There were times when she was pretty verbally abusive, actually. Which, for a guy, is hard to admit, ya know?

        Anyway, *she* was actually the one who ended up breaking up with me. But, in retrospect, it was the best decision someone else could ever have made for me.

        I realize now that the only reason I stayed with her was because I was basically chasing a high. Whenever we had a bad incident, I would tell myself that it was just her condition, and that I had to be supportive. And I would think about the good times we did have.

        That’s what made the relationship so difficult to walk away from. And that’s what I see so often in other relationships now. It’s not that they’re bad all the time. If they were, people would of course know to walk away.

        It’s when they’re alternatively horrible and wonderful. THAT, to me, is the sign of a toxic relationship….

        • August 19, 2010 12:06 am

          Hmm, interesting point on Raul. I think it’s similar to this situation in inviting drama too early in a relationship. And being somewhat unsure of how to handle myself in dating. You have to understand that I’ve literally never dated as an adult. I was with my ex for 7 years (since I was 18). So while I have the maturity of someone who was about to get married (and I really believed I was ready for that step), I also have the maturity of an 18-year-old who hasn’t really been out there in the dating world. I’ve learned some lessons in the past few months, but I’m still learning, obviously.

          Umm, Dennis, are you calling me bipolar? That’s not very nice at all. LOL. I’m going to assume it just seems similar and you are not actually diagnosing me with a medical condition, because that would be quite unfortunate (and I’m hoping, untrue – definitely don’t think I’m bipolar. A sensitive person, maybe. Bipolar, definitely not.). Thanks for sharing your story with your ex. I’m sorry that it was such a toxic relationship. What you said about the highs and the lows really resonates with me. I think that’s the case with a lot of relationships, even if there is no actual medical condition involved. You know the couple that always fights? But then seems to have AMAZING makeups (and I don’t just mean makeup sex!)? They seem SO happy like 30% of the time that it makes up for the other 70% of miserable fighting. I think that’s the same thing, chasing the high of being in love and happy. There’s gotta be a balance. The balance I’m looking for is being happy at least 80% of the time, and the other 20% should not include any dealbreakers (violence, cheating, dishonesty, etc.). Do you think that’s a fair balance?

  11. August 19, 2010 12:12 am

    Umm, Dennis, are you calling me bipolar?

    That depends. Are you going to be mad at me for an entire day? 😉

    No, no, no, no, no. I was not calling you bipolar. I was just saying that the hot and cold thing reminds me of my ex. In any case, the hot-and-coldness wasn’t in reference to you, anyway. It was in reference to Raul and, to a lesser extent, the chef.

    Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t be mad at me. :-p

    Seriously, though… I haven’t really thought about what a good balance should be. But, it also depends on the severity, too, ya know? I mean, 99% perfect and 1% physically abusive… well, that can’t POSSIBLY be an acceptable balance, can it?

    • August 19, 2010 12:19 am

      I can’t even respond I’m so pissed (clearly kidding). I’ll get back to you tomorrow when I’m on a manic phase … or when I decide to start taking my meds again …

      Ah, I’m picking up what you are putting down now about the hot and coldness. I can be slow sometimes, you gotta be patient with me, haha. It’s possible you may be onto something with Raul. Chef … I think that situation had more to do with my own insecurities (GASP! He was right! LOL) than too much hot-coldness on his part. I need to stop writing people off so quickly – so what if he was cold for a few days? Why is that such a problem that I’m like, “And, now I’m done!” Can’t I be patient enough (and confident enough) to know that it’s only temporary coldness? Something I’m working on, definitely.

      On the balance… absolutely, you are right. 1% of physically abusive behavior is unacceptable. That’s why I qualify my 80/20 rule to include no dealbreakers. I’m thinking just 20% of the regular unhappiness in a relationship – sometimes you get bored, something the other person gets on your nerves or lets you down, etc. Nothing too terribly serious.

      Love your blog by the way … I’ve got a lot of catching up to do!

  12. August 19, 2010 12:27 am

    I can’t even respond I’m so pissed.

    Oh, then you’re totally letting me off easy. Where’s the berating and the yelling and the screaming? :-p

    Personally, I think it should be more than 20%, but… then again, maybe that’s why I’m still single. 😉

    Anyhoo…. Thanks about the blog. Glad you like it!

    • August 19, 2010 12:33 am

      Well, don’t you know, I have to hide my crazy in the beginning? That’s how us bipolar girls hook innocent guys like you. It’s all fun and games in the beginning. Until I lock you in the closet until you tell me you love me and plan to marry me. It’s a master plan. 🙂

      I’m thinking 80% happy, 20% unhappy. Obviously, would prefer more happiness, but I think that ratio is reasonable, especially if we are talking long term (ie forever).

      I just upped the ante and added you to my Google Reader. I don’t do that lightly. Better make all upcoming blog posts good… haha :).

      • August 19, 2010 3:15 am

        Just be nice to my bunny, okay? He’s not a fan of hot water. :-p

        Oooh, thanks. The next few posts in the queue are by my friends, though. So, you might have to take it up with them….

    • August 19, 2010 3:16 am

      Uhhh, yeah. I just went back and reread my previous post. I meant to say, “I think it should be *less* than 20%”….


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