Plenty of Fish Guys, So Many To Choose From!
Yesterday, I received a message from a guy who described himself as “Single, bilingual and ready to mingle.” I had to laugh, and checked out his profile.
Poor guy is 5’ 5”. I know it’s bitchy as hell, but I will hardly consider a guy that short. If I wore any sort of heel (or even just socks, really!) I would be taller than him. But, he definitely made me feel better, because later in his profile he said, “I’m small, but fast.” Good to know, in case we are running from the cops. Why would I ever need to know that you are fast?
“First date would be at my place,” his profile said. “I would cook. Then, make a delicious desert. Then, of course massage! You only live once, no regrets.” Hmm. A few things here. I’m not sure I’m going to meet you for a first date at your house, considering we just met on an online dating site (a free one at that, no pay block to keep the crazies away). And, I’m not sure I can meet you knowing that you are going to make me desert instead of dessert. Sorry, but I’m judgmental. Have someone proof your profile.
Oh, but, then he says, “I’m a tennis pro and i love private lessons.” I could use some work on my tennis swing. Ah, maybe this is where the small but fast comes in? “I speak fluent Spanish, and i can dance, cook, and well … I’ll let u figure out the rest!” Indeed. I don’t think I need to figure anything out. Next.
After I crossed that guy off the list, I went on to my next message. From a 42-year old with kids. All his pictures in his profile were taken by him – with a cell phone in a mirror in the bathroom. With his shirt off, of course. All that says to me is that you don’t have a single friend in the world to take a picture of you. And you really like your nonexistent abs.
42-year-old: WELL AREN’T YOU A CUTUE PIE!!!!!
Me: Yes, I am. A cutue pie indeed. Delete.
Next message, from a guy who’s name is something along the lines of DefinitelyNotFromVegas. Oh, but his location? Las Vegas, Nevada. Odd. And his message to me? “I’m from Las Vegas but will be in Suffolk for two days. I’d love to meet some people while I’m in town, maybe have some overnighters, nothing serious. Will you be in town?”
Wow, with an offer like that, what’s a girl to do? Yes, I’ll be in town. No, I will not be your Virginia one-night stand.
I signed off after that one. I needed a break from dodging all the losers.