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Plenty of Fish Guys, So Many To Choose From!

August 18, 2010

Yesterday, I received a message from a guy who described himself as “Single, bilingual and ready to mingle.” I had to laugh, and checked out his profile.

Poor guy is 5’ 5”. I know it’s bitchy as hell, but I will hardly consider a guy that short. If I wore any sort of heel (or even just socks, really!) I would be taller than him. But, he definitely made me feel better, because later in his profile he said, “I’m small, but fast.” Good to know, in case we are running from the cops. Why would I ever need to know that you are fast?

“First date would be at my place,” his profile said. “I would cook. Then, make a delicious desert. Then, of course massage! You only live once, no regrets.” Hmm. A few things here. I’m not sure I’m going to meet you for a first date at your house, considering we just met on an online dating site (a free one at that, no pay block to keep the crazies away). And, I’m not sure I can meet you knowing that you are going to make me desert instead of dessert. Sorry, but I’m judgmental. Have someone proof your profile.

Oh, but, then he says, “I’m a tennis pro and i love private lessons.” I could use some work on my tennis swing. Ah, maybe this is where the small but fast comes in? “I speak fluent Spanish, and i can dance, cook, and well … I’ll let u figure out the rest!” Indeed. I don’t think I need to figure anything out. Next.

After I crossed that guy off the list, I went on to my next message. From a 42-year old with kids. All his pictures in his profile were taken by him – with a cell phone in a mirror in the bathroom. With his shirt off, of course.  All that says to me is that you don’t have a single friend in the world to take a picture of you. And you really like your nonexistent abs.

42-year-old: WELL AREN’T YOU A CUTUE PIE!!!!!

Me: Yes, I am. A cutue pie indeed. Delete.

Next message, from a guy who’s name is something along the lines of DefinitelyNotFromVegas. Oh, but his location? Las Vegas, Nevada. Odd. And his message to me? “I’m from Las Vegas but will be in Suffolk for two days. I’d love to meet some people while I’m in town, maybe have some overnighters, nothing serious. Will you be in town?”

Wow, with an offer like that, what’s a girl to do? Yes, I’ll be in town. No, I will not be your Virginia one-night stand.

I signed off after that one. I needed a break from dodging all the losers.


32 Comments leave one →
  1. duke1959 permalink
    August 18, 2010 9:44 am

    They must think that you have a sign that reads “I am a dumb stupid woman waiting to strip for the first loser who makes contact with me. I’ll even come to your house!” I suspect you are far from anything like that. If these creeps want that kind of action there are places they can go and pay for it!. Hang in there!

    • August 18, 2010 11:44 am

      You are right, they must think that. What worries me the most is that this approach must be working if they continue to apply it – I feel bad for the girls out there that are stupid enough to fall for it!

  2. duke1959 permalink
    August 18, 2010 12:59 pm

    There are people who make bad choices. If other women fall for that then they must live with the results. The “strip” comment was not meant to
    offend in anyway.

  3. August 18, 2010 1:43 pm

    After getting a lot of similar first messages I changed my settings. A man can now only e-mail me if he can manage to put together 200 characters in an e-mail. And, although that is only a little more than a tweet the number of men contacting me had decreased to almost zero.

    Good thing POF is free.

    Crystal

    • August 18, 2010 3:41 pm

      I’m curious how you set your account settings to do that? 😉

      You know, they should make a spellcheck app… er, more like a spellcheck filter for online dating: If the person messaging you commits more than three egregious spelling or grammatical errors, the message is automatically bounced back.

      Dude, where’s my programmer friend Joe to help me make my millions off this idea….

      • August 18, 2010 11:42 pm

        Crystal, you are right. Good thing POF is free. There’s no way I’d throw away my hard-earned money on this mess! Good point on the character limit – I think I’m going to try that! It will keep me from getting about 10 messages a day that say “You have a great smile.” I almost want to do an experiment where I only put up pictures of me frowning and see if I still get the stupid great smile comment from every…single…guy that writes me! I don’t think they even glance at my profile when they send that message, they are just sending it to dozens of girls and seeing if they get any bites!

        Dennis: AMAZING idea!!!! You should totally make that happen -you’ll make millions. When their message bounces back, it should also come with an explanation and a recommendation of a nice community college where they can learn some English :).

        I wish I could create a special filter for guys who don’t know the difference between too, two & to; you’re & your; want & went; their & there … etc, etc. Think we could do that too?

      • August 18, 2010 11:45 pm

        Haha, yeah. Perfect place for some targeted ad placement, no?

  4. August 18, 2010 1:48 pm

    From what I’ve heard, it can get pretty sketchy over there at POF! lol.

    • August 18, 2010 11:33 pm

      Haha, yep! Not ready to give up hope though… in dating and love, I’m determined to be an optimist. 🙂 Thanks for your comment!

  5. duke1959 permalink
    August 18, 2010 2:10 pm

    here’s what you can do. send me the information on these clowns. Then I will decide for you! Actaually my wife and I did meet through a singles paper.

    • August 18, 2010 11:32 pm

      A single’s paper? That’s crazy. Like the classified section? How long ago was that?

  6. August 18, 2010 3:46 pm

    Wow these guys all sound like creeps, although I did like the line with the “mingle”!

    • August 18, 2010 11:31 pm

      Haha yep – I thought that was pretty funny myself. It got me to at least click through his message onto his profile! Where I was disappointed. Oh well. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!

  7. August 18, 2010 4:19 pm

    I signed up for a free online dating site last week and canceled my membership after 1 hour. And why did I do that? Almost immediately a fellow contacts me and says: 1. My brother was drafted by the Redskins last year (and what does that have to do with you???); 2. I love Jesus (awesome… can’t wait to spend our first date talking about that); and 3. I wanna sex you up (I’m sure your BFF Jesus might not think that’s appropriate first date behavior).

    • August 18, 2010 11:24 pm

      LOL! Those three facts are so unrelated and do not seem to add up to a person I’d want to meet! Interestingly enough, when I first started my POF profile, I got about 20 messages in an hour – and had a panic attack and hid my profile. It was just too overwhelming, especially considering most of the guys were duds! But I got the courage (read: drank a couple of glasses of wine and was bored as heck) to unhide my profile, and that’s how I’m here now. I find the whole thing more humorous than anything else, had to turn off the email alerts when I got a message (those were a pain in the butt) and now I just wonder if any day now a normal, nice guy might write me… we’ll see!! Good luck to you too… maybe you’ll reopen yours? From my experience, wine really helps! haha

      • August 18, 2010 11:27 pm

        From my experience, wine really helps!

        Beer goggles: Now for online dating, too!

        • August 18, 2010 11:46 pm

          LOL! You can now get drunk, and flirt with guys in which you have absolutely no interest – all from the comfort of your couch in your pajamas! And, you can reread the messages the following day, hungover and thinking – why in the world would I ever message with a guy 17 years older than me? With 4 kids? From 4 different moms? Those damn beer goggles…

  8. August 18, 2010 4:30 pm

    I did some online dating several years ago when it was less commonplace. I hardly ever got unsolicited messages – not even non-starters like these! Might be because of being a man though – I wonder if men get many these days? Anyway, I hope you get some more promising prospects next time once you’ve recovered from these!

    • August 18, 2010 11:21 pm

      Thanks, Matt! Actually I’ve talked with some of my guy friends who are on Plenty Of Fish, and they hardly get any messages – while I generally get about 5-15 a day (more on the weekends when guys are clearly looking for a date, read: a hookup). I’m really not sure how a pay blocked site (like eHarmony or Match) would be. Seems to me since POF is free, people say whatever, why not? But they aren’t that serious (not saying that I am really either… I think the odds of finding someone on there is probably like finding a needle in a haystack). But anyway, it’s gotta get better – not sure it can get much worse! Thanks for your comment.

  9. Ramon permalink
    August 18, 2010 6:12 pm

    Aww 5’5 he can cook,dance, and maybe even play tennis! Now thats a winner.. In the process you even had the attention of a 42 year old man !! Great take him to shoneys for the senior buffet special!! Last but not least you even had an offer from vegas however he really isnt from vegas for a one night hit and run!! So many options so little time.. Wow!! What are you gonna do? good luck..

    • August 18, 2010 11:18 pm

      Hit and run … LOL that’s a new one for me. Keep them coming, Ramon. You crack me up.

  10. Millie Turner (Mom) permalink
    August 18, 2010 8:08 pm

    There is only one guy I know of who is 5’ 5” Maybe give or take ” or 2 bilingual and single..

  11. duke1959 permalink
    August 18, 2010 9:15 pm

    The thing about these kinds of idiots is that they don’t seem to understand that one day they will look around and be all by themselves.

    • August 18, 2010 11:17 pm

      Very true. But I’m not a huge believer in karma… sometimes crappy people end up with extraordinarily (and undeservingly) happy lives. It’s just something I’ve had to live with. Life isn’t always fair. But it keeps things interesting, right?

  12. duke1959 permalink
    August 19, 2010 9:29 am

    Of course these are probaly some of the same people who came up with these blog tags I found this morning. http://duke1959.wordpress.com/

  13. Jaysey permalink
    August 19, 2010 2:07 pm

    Ah, the joys of online dating! 😉

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