On Liking Someone
Okay, readers. I’ve been holding out on you.
Here’s the thing: I like Chef. I don’t know when it happened, but I started liking him. Which is odd, because I’m dating for sport at this point, not really expecting (or wanting) to meet someone. Why haven’t I told you this before (at least directly, anyway)? He reads the blog (well, he used to, and he claims he is no longer going to read it. He decided he wasn’t a fan of the blog anymore after reading about me hitting on SPO last week. But still, I don’t believe he’s going to go cold turkey, so I still have this sense that he is reading anyway. Note to self: Do not tell future prospects about the blog.). Also, I feel like saying I like him is putting all my cards on the table. It feels a little like that part in Jerry Maguire when Dorothy says to her sister Laurel:
“I don’t know if you’re interested in this detail, but I was just about to tell you that I love him. I love him, and I don’t care what you think. I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is. I love him.”
At which point, Jerry is actually in the hallway listening intently, completely without Dorothy’s knowledge. How unbelievably embarrassing. See the clip here (sorry, I couldn’t seem to imbed it into the post). Note: I’m not saying I love Chef. I like him. Let’s not get crazytown here. But, mentioning that I’m beginning to truly like him feels strange. It’s much easier to make fun of guys and find endless flaws than to admit to having an actual connection with someone.
None of this is to say that I’m ready to revoke the Year of Yes, cancel my Plenty of Fish profile or stop recklessly flirting and dating. I’m in a weird place with all that – this is my time to date. I’m so excited about it. I feel almost inspired by the opportunities that are ahead of me at this point. But, it is an interesting development to like someone. It’s good to know that I have it in me. And I suspect he likes me too.
Part of me thinks it’s unfair for me to even be dating at all right now. I want to date, meet new people, possibly build connections, but I have absolutely zero interest in settling down. I settled down for seven years. I almost got married and settled down for the rest of my life. Before I started dating my ex fiancée at all of 18 years old, I had probably only dated two other guys, if that. I’ve done my fair share of settling down, and frankly I feel like this is my time to be perfectly unsettled.
But is that fair to the people I date? Initially, I thought it was fair – as long as I was honest and direct about my intentions. But now I’m wondering if the problem is not really my honesty, but that my intentions are not good in the first place. So unless I find someone in the exact same place (ie: just looking to have fun, treat the other person well, but ultimately not anything serious for a long time), I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt some people and end up being the asshole in the end.
The thought that I can’t seem to get out of my mind is that I don’t want a boyfriend. But even more than I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t want to be someone’s girlfriend. I was almost someone’s wife, and I’m still sort of recovering from that and the fact that I feel like I lost my happily ever after.
Sorry for the randomness of this post … just needed to get some of this out. Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.