My Plenty of Fish Strategy, and a Fireman
I’ve noticed recently that I dive into a good Plenty of Fish session in a very methodical way. First of all, I turn the TV down so I can concentrate. There’s nothing worse than a distracted online dater. Your head has to be in the game. This is serious business. Pick the wrong guy and you might end up like Natalee Holloway. I like to have a nice cold beverage nearby, and no sharp objects. Because some of these guys seriously make you want to slit your wrists (and by seriously, I do not mean that seriously in any way, shape or form. Just thought I’d clarify before the suicide prevention people come to get me.).
Since I turned off the e-mail notifications months ago due to their sheer volume, I never know exactly how many messages I will have to read. I like the thrill I get when I click on my inbox – yay, 14 new messages, or boo, only three messages. When I get just a few, I wonder if I’ve lost my online dating mojo. But trust, it all comes back by Friday when guys go nuts and start sending messages to every single girl on the site – presumably, setting up a date for the weekend. Cause they want to find love this weekend. Oh, and get laid.
The day I wrote this blog entry, it was a good day. I had 14 new messages. Of those 14 messages, only about one to three were actually worth considering. And the rest? Some were so boring that I wouldn’t wish reading these messages on my worst enemy. But there were a few diamonds in the rough. They made me laugh. I will now share them with you. You’re welcome.
Before I even read a message from a guy, I like to look at his profile first. Then, if I like them, their message is like a little gift. If I don’t like their profile, I know the message is going to be A: Terrible, like their profile or B: Interesting and thoughtful and make me feel like a jerk because I already wrote them off based on their profile. Online dating is fun.
After I see a bad profile, I proceed to read their message (cause I’m curious what they had to say) and delete it. Notice I did not say reply. I delete with no reply. I know, I’m an asshole. But what am I going to say? “Thanks for taking the time to write me, but I did not find you interesting or attractive enough to talk with you. Good luck in your future endeavors.” Are you kidding? Nope, I just don’t respond. Delete and move on.
Another reason I refuse to reply to every guy is that it is my worst nightmare to end up on the “WILL REPLY” list. Yes, there is a list of people on POF who are most likely to reply to a message. They likely reply to every single message that comes across their inbox. In my mind, these people have way too much time on their hands, and are not nearly discerning enough. I also feel sad for the poor souls who only e-mail people on the “WILL REPLY” list because people like me have ignored and deleted their e-mails for so long.
So, back to the job at hand. Reviewing my messages – looking at the profile first, then the message. First guy said on his profile:
“I will sweep you off your feet with intelligent and funny conversations.”
Well, I was really feeling the rest of his profile (read: he was cute). I was really excited to read his message to me! I imagined it was going to be good! I opened it up, and all it said was:
“Hey honest gut here”
I figured he meant guy … as my profile indicates I want an honest guy. Nothing says sweeping me off my feet with intelligent and funny conversations like that message. Delete.
Next is this guy, not too cute but not so bad either, but who rambles on in his profile:
“Lets make this clear- If you think for one second that when/if we meet up I should be the one to empty my bank account on you, you are poorly mistaken and will be severely embarrassed when the time comes. I have no problems paying for dates, etc but I work hard and work harder for the things I have, I dont work so that you can spend my money too. You have a job, so spend yours how you so desire.”
So, he is cheap. He definitely will not pay for the date. In fact, he will likely “forget” his wallet on said date. Can’t wait for that one. Delete (and not because I’m not totally OK with paying for myself, but because this guy sounds like a jerk).
The next profile was pretty blah, I could have gone either way. It seemed somewhat familiar to me, like I’d read it before. Here’s his message:
“If you weren’t so far away Id love to take a chance to meet you. You seem very sweet/sincere and your smile could melt away the coldest winter. I haven’t read a profile like yours in awhile so I felt compelled to write.”
Let me introduce you the online dating form letter. As simple as “hey cutie” or “how are you doing tonight, beautiful?” to as complex as “your smile could melt away the coldest winter,” the form letter is an e-mail that a guy sends to multiple women. It does not mention the woman’s profile one bit, usually flatters her in some way to try to elicit a response, and if you wait long enough, the same guy will send you this message several times (because he sends so many he forgets who he already sent it to). I love a good form letter. My favorite part of the form letter is replying and calling the guy out:
“Wow, thank you for your kind words. Actually, you sent me this message about two months ago. Word for word. But I appreciate the sentiment. Hope it works on some other girls.”
Delete. Next profile. What he says:
“I am looking for someone who is a neat freak as I am not. I need that yin to my yang so to speak. I’m not a walking tornado but I usually have to be poked and prodded to clean. Just being honest.”
What he means:
“I’ve never grown up and I still expect someone to clean up after me. So I am not looking for a woman who believes in adults cleaning up after themselves, I am looking for a woman who will wait on me and hand and foot just like my mommy did.”
You guessed it. Delete.
This next profile requires no explanation. Just read and enjoy the craziness that is men on POF.
“Well I’m mostly looking for more friends. My gf and I are in an open relationship, though we do love each other dearly. That won’t change so I’m not leaving her. She’s open to me being with other women and her joining. But that’s jumping the gun lol. We’ll see after we get to know one another. Prefer friends first. Ok this thing is gay. I live in Richmond but when I put my zip code, it says Ampthill… No clue where that is! But when I put in Richmond it deletes the zip code… no wonder why I rarely use this site! ROFL
I’ve got a great personality, smart, fun, funny, and one of a kind lol. I’m also in a good mood/happy and I enjoy making people laugh. I can be an ass at times, and annoying but so can anyone.
Sexually, I’m pretty big. Too big for my gf actually lol. I tend to hurt her if I go all the way in. And I’m extremely hard to get off, so… well lets say when I lost my virginity, I went two hours and she couldn’t take anymore so I jerked off 😉 NEVER had a girl I couldn’t pleasure and get to orgasm. Usually the first guy that gets the girl there lol.”
God, I just want to marry that guy. Too bad he has a girlfriend. All the good ones are taken.
Next, a pretty hot fireman wrote me. Hmm. Remember that fireman is on my Hot Professions list? I got a little excited about this one. His profile was pretty decent, nothing too exciting, but I can live with that since he’s a fireman. His pictures were pretty hot … but, wait! Hold the phone. He has the dreaded shirt off in the bathroom mirror shot taken with a cell phone camera (a deal breaker for me). Damn it. What do I do now? Maybe his message will be good enough for me to overlook the six pack shot.
“Hey gorgeous how are you?”
Ugh. What a letdown. I was really hoping he would say something amazing to make up for the shirtless bathroom shot. DAMN IT! I had a full on fireman fantasy going. So I replied:
“I’m well. Here’s the thing. I have a strict no reply policy against people who have pictures on their profile that they took in the bathroom mirror, shirtless. And, I also don’t reply to people who don’t put any effort into their message to me, at least referencing one thing from my profile. Problem is you seem cute and I liked your profile. Here’s me asking you to give it one more shot…”
After I sent that message, I had to give up for the night. That was exhausting. You know what I need? An online dating assistant. Someone I can have comb through these messages for me and weed out the crazies. Put the crazies in a pile for the blog, remove the boring people and make another pile of the ones I might actually consider. That would make my life much easier.
Oh yeah, and Fireman wrote back. And it was a good message. This one might end up in a meeting after all! So, in case you are keeping tally:
14 total messages
13 deleted messages
1 reply (and I broke my own rules to allow myself to reply)
Online dating FAIL.
It’s not easy being this picky, folks.