Blast from the Past
This weekend, I had a blast from the past. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but my ex fiancée and I may have been together for almost seven years, but we broke up one time, somewhere around three or four years in. We “took a break.” The break lasted literally days. I almost can’t remember all the details that caused us to “take a break,” but it had to do with me not being sure I could be with him forever, having never really dated anyone else (um, irony anyone?). It also had to do with the fact that he didn’t love the things I loved, and didn’t seem willing to support the things I loved. You see, I love to travel. Absolutely love it. Being a military brat is now a part of my DNA and I can’t sit still for too long. My ex was happy with just saying home. I remember the straw the broke the camel’s back was when I wanted to go on a trip with my ex. I was willing to pay for most, if not all of the trip, as long as he would just take some time off of work (which is not a problem in his job) and go with me. He simply would not agree to it. Suddenly, I had this vision that I was giving up my hopes and my dreams for a man who wouldn’t give up a week of paid vacation to go on a trip with me. I’m still not sure my reasoning was valid, but a fight about this topic culminated in us taking a break.
On the break, I approached it like Ross, not Rachel, from Friends. I ended up kissing someone. OK, who am I kidding? I ended up in a full make out session with someone while on the break. We’ll call him Break Guy. Well, Break Guy and I always had a smallish connection, and had been friends for a while when we made out during my break. After this rendezvous with Break Guy, I panicked and went back to my ex. I distinctly remember sobbing on my mother’s kitchen floor (don’t ask), so scared that he would not take me back after what I had done (which of course, I told him about). He took me back, although he always said he felt like I had cheated. At the time, I justified all of this by telling myself that Break Guy was just a reminder of how much I really loved and wanted to be with my ex. Looking back, I think the fact that I did anything at all with Break Guy had more to do with the fact that I was not ready for such a serious relationship – but I forged ahead anyway. I was scared, I loved my ex, I didn’t know anything (or anyone) else. It’s funny how things work out. Hindsight really is 20/20.
This past Friday night, I went to the bar with a bunch of friends. At the bar, I saw Break Guy for the first time since that make out session years ago. It was surreal seeing someone who I had this connection with, for a brief moment in time, which I abruptly ended out of fear of the unknown and deep love for my ex. Part of me sees that moment in time, when Break Guy and I made out that one night, as a turning point. A lost opportunity. Not to be with Break Guy, necessarily, but to get out of a relationship that ended up so badly. I wonder if I had made a different decision, where I would be now. The heartbreak I could have avoided. But I guess wondering won’t get me anywhere.
Things have changed in the years since I’ve seen Break Guy. Since then, he’s had a kid with another woman and had a pretty messy break up himself. He’s changed, I’ve changed. But the attraction is still there. We ended up talking for hours, and yes, we kissed again. It was just like years ago. Only this time, I wasn’t on a break and there was no guilt keeping me from doing it. Definitely very different. I don’t know if it’s going anywhere at all, though, because he lives far away, and has a pretty complicated history himself. And, I have always said I do not want to be with someone who has a kid. It’s funny how those prerequisites sort of fall to the wayside when you are with someone, kissing them. Lastly, my feelings for Chef have been growing significantly stronger, which confuses things a lot on my crusade to date for sport. So, I don’t know what any of this means.
Out of curiosity, where does everyone stand on hooking up with someone while “on a break”? Is it cheating? This is the only case in my history where I might be able to say I cheated. But, I truly don’t think I did. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Lastly, for your viewing pleasure, a reminder of “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” courtesy of Friends. (Sorry it wouldn’t let me embed it, but click the video to head to YouTube to watch it. Definitely worth it.)