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10 Ways to Lose a Guy (Maybe in 10 Days)

October 4, 2010

Photo Courtsey of Yohko Amemiya

Last night, I watched a chic-flick mini marathon, including How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and He’s Just Not That Into You. Watching these movies got me thinking about the crazy stuff I really want to do when I first start seeing a guy. Stuff that I only admit to my closest friends, and all of you on this blog. Stuff that I either A: Have personally done, and immediately regretted or B: Know way better than to do, ever. Or don’t do, because the logistics are just too complicated. So, because I love lists, here’s my personal list of 10 Ways to Lose a Guy (Maybe in 10 Days).

1)      Ask a guy to go on a vacation with me. I love to travel. I love a good beach. What’s more fun than having a romantic beach rendezvous with a guy you are into? Vacation sex is way better than home sex. However, I’m not sure it’s appropriate to mention you want to go on a trip with someone, say, two months into a relationship. I didn’t quite ask Chef to go to Tahiti with me, but I did mention (while slightly inebriated) a cruise for my mom’s birthday in January and it would be fun if he would go. If we were still seeing each other. Someone should shoot me now.

2)      Tell a man that you two have “a connection.” This is a mistake I’ve made a few times in my dating life. Guys do not want to hear, especially on the third date, that you feel there’s a connection there. Even if there is, keep it to yourself. Who really knows on a third date if there is a connection anyway, crazy?

3)      Bake a guy brownies. Or any other dessert. I love baking. But I live in a constant state of counting calories. I also cannot have baked goods in my house without eating the entire pan within a week. It’s a problem. So, I like to bake for the man in my life. I get to keep a little, and then I get to hand off the calories and burden to someone else. Someone with a higher metabolism than me. The minute I start seeing someone regularly, I have this urge to make them brownies. And cupcakes. And maybe zucchini bread, depending on what ingredients I have in the house. But unfortunately, I don’t think it’s appropriate to hand over chocolate chip cookies to someone I’ve only seen six times.  

4)      Ask a guy for a full health history. Okay, I’ve never done this, but damn I’d like to. Can you please give me your health history? What about your father’s and mother’s? Hmm … what about your mental health history? Schizophrenia, bipolar, anything? Tell me now so I know what I’m getting into. I’m no spring chicken and I need to know if you are viable for baby-making

5)      Post emo status updates on Facebook. Regularly. Oh, to be emo on Facebook. It’s so fun for you, and fun for your friends to watch the downward spiral. If I didn’t know better, I would regularly post things like, “Just wondering what someone is thinking. Sigh.” Or “Why are some people so hard to understand?” Or “Love is hard.” Even worse, “Love is a battlefield.”

6)      Require a polygraph and IQ test upon first meeting. I’ve had my share of liars, thank you very much. If I could work out the logistics (and find a way to not look nuts in the process), I would, upon first date, administer a polygraph to see how honest a guy is. And an IQ test to make sure he knows the state capital and the difference between complement and compliment, among other things. If he passes, then we can eat.

7)      Force a guy to watch a Felicity marathon with me. Then judge them on whether they like Ben or Noel better. The Ben (not so nice but hot guy) or Noel (super nice guy) question is something I like to get out of the way early on in a relationship. It tells me what kind of guy he’s going to be. Is he going to be a hot guy who is always aloof with me, and will eventually cheat on me? Or is he going to be a good guy and treat me well, but probably bore the hell out of me? And I don’t mean a bad guy who says he’s a good guy. Remember this oldie but goodie?

8)      Randomly ask a guy “Whatcha thinking?” and refuse to believe him when he says that he isn’t thinking anything. Who isn’t thinking anything? I’m guilty of this one, for sure.

9)      Get caught Facebook stalking. Okay, this one is a little story. I was on the phone with my sister who lives in California and she wanted to know what Chef looked like. So I told her his real name, and she got on Facebook and started looking at his profile. She asked me about a few pictures, but I didn’t know which ones she was talking about. So I got on my computer, and over the phone, looked at all his pictures with her. Fast forward to two hours later, and Chef is at my house. He needs to borrow the computer, and opens it up and it’s right on his Facebook page. Deep in his pictures. Hello, stalker! And it was totally innocent. Maybe.

10)   Suggest that you should co-host a party. Okay guys, this one is hard to admit. My mind is forever stuck in forever. My brain’s default is serious relationship, not casual dating. I love having people over to my house. Love it. Pool parties in the summer are one of my favorite things. Very late one night (I think I was delirious), I mentioned to Chef that we should have a party. He could cook, I could bake and we could invite our respective friends to hang out. He gave me a look that said, “Hello, crazytown.” And he was right. I am nuts. I don’t know why my mind goes there. It’s like when Gigi on He’s Just Not That Into You suddenly assumes she is co-hosting a party because the guy in which she is interested asks her to refill some chips.

What’s on your list of crazy stuff you have the urge to do in the beginning of a relationship? Have you ever done anything crazy of which you are not proud? If you were truly trying to lose a guy in 10 days, what would you do?

Oh, and in case you are wondering, here’s my favorite part from He’s Just Not That Into You:

Gigi: I think I’ve figured it out. Remember when I went out with that notary public and he cheated on me and then Anastasia from upstairs told me about how her boyfriend cheated on her in the beginning then he totally changed and now they’re married and crazy in love?

Beth: I thought that guy was a process server. 

Gigi: No notary. Anyway my point is, Anastasia is the exception, not the rule. We have to stop listening to these stories because the rule is most guys who cheat on you up front don’t really care about you very much. 

Janine: Ok.

Gigi: Ok, Ok. Exhibit A. Chad the drummer who lived in a storage space. He only used me for rides and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998. Then oh, um, there was Don, that broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free. I was delusional about that relationship. I used to refer to him as my husband to random people, like my dental hygienist. Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That is the exception and we’re not the exception, we’re the rule.


81 Comments leave one →
  1. October 4, 2010 9:29 am

    HAHA! Oh I love it. I love these movies and I used to find myself diving into my own not-so-real world of what-ifs, just as you have. I’m so glad you wrote this. I’ll have to think a bit about what I would do. This could be quite a conversation between women! Great doorway to possibly fabulous responses!

    • October 4, 2010 11:08 am

      Haha, thanks!! I think that a lot of women (maybe some men) have some things to confess in this area, but maybe it’s a little scary to do so. I say let it all out! Show your slightly crazy side! 🙂

  2. October 4, 2010 9:32 am

    One thing popped in my mind.

    I so badly want to ask a guy whether he’s a fan of fake boobs. Like, come on dude… Just be real… None of this “natural is best” bull. Do you like giant knockers, or not? Because if you do, go find someone else… I’m not getting a boob job and you are going to have to make me feel darn fine the way I am!

    • October 4, 2010 11:10 am

      LOL this is a really good one. Good to establish expectations up front! No boob job in my future, thank-you-very-much!

      I also want to ask a guy what types of body types he likes. Is he only interested in stick-thin girls? Because, I am not ever going to be that girl. I have hips, I have thighs. I’m curvy. I have no interest in weighing 100 pounds. Props to those who would like to, but that’s just not me. I’d love to ask a guy up front how they feel about a girl with curves, or if they prefer a skinny girl. No hard feelings, but good to know up front. But, I may seem a little crazy to ask that…

  3. October 4, 2010 9:34 am

    Hahaha hilarious! You made me laugh with this post, mostly because they are all true. Although I think when you meet the RIGHT guy most of these things would be fine. Good luck! 🙂
    http://www.denwrites.com

    • October 4, 2010 11:12 am

      Thanks, Dennis! I’m also hoping that with the right guy, these thing will be no biggie. That my craziness will be cute and endearing. 🙂 Except, I think the poloygraph and IQ test would probably offend even the best of men… lol.

  4. duke1959 permalink
    October 4, 2010 10:39 am

    One of the things I have wondered about is if on teh first date each person would go into a seperate room undress come back out ( no touching allowed) look at each other. Go back and get dressed and then go about the business of having a realtionship without all of that stuff of wondering what the person looks like with no clothes. You would know up front.

    • October 4, 2010 11:16 am

      Hahahaha that would be pretty funny. This reminds me a little bit of that show Dating in the Dark. Only when you reveal yourself, you will be naked!

      So now, I must know … in your scenario, would each person be completely naked? No underwear? Or more like in swimsuit type clothing? LOL. I don’t know if I could sign up for full nakedness… the good thing about someone seeing you naked for the first time, usually you are both turned on and really into the moment. So there isn’t as much analyzing of the other person’s body. If it’s in such a sterile environment as you describe, where it’s like HERE! I’M NAKED! CHECK ME OUT! And then you get dressed, and go back to dating… I’m afraid that little flaws will be less forgiveable in such a situation.

      • duke1959 permalink
        October 4, 2010 3:54 pm

        Show it all. The truth is that the in the vast majority of cases the first time you see someone naked its not like the 4 th of July! It some cases it is but in many both of you are unsure of yourselves. The reality is that for men and women the sex act are two different things all together. A woman has to be comfortable enough to allow another person inside her body. That is something that I believe most men never think about.

        • October 5, 2010 11:36 am

          Wow, that’s pretty intense as far as allowing a woman inside her. Good point. Sex is a whole different experience.

  5. October 4, 2010 12:15 pm

    Haha! First things first, Catherine… a pan of brownies would last an ENTIRE week in your house?! That’s amazing willpower! I don’t bring anything into my home that I’d feel bad writing in my “calories/fitness” journal… My roommate knows better than to bake. She tried it once, I accused her of being out to sabotage my happiness by making me fat. 🙂

    Admission: I was accepted an “over FB” invitation to meet a guy. I didn’t know him but a bunch of my friends did and it seemed harmless enough. Thing is, we’d talked so much via text and phone prior to meeting that I already had a clear decision in my head that I didn’t like him, I wasn’t going to like him, at least not with any chemistry, and the only reason to meet was to have a new friend that I shared interests with. Well, the day of the big meet comes and, lo and behold, I don’t just like him, I almost can’t breathe everytime he comes close!…

    (Here’s the admission)… Several beers later, I couldn’t seem to stop randomly saying “I like you”, or, “I *LIKE* you!”. The night ended well… 😉 … but he didn’t call again.

    Not my coolest moment.

    • October 4, 2010 1:56 pm

      Okay, so maybe I lied. I was already admitting a lot in this blog post that I’m not proud of. The brownies would actually last about three days. Tops. 🙂
      I think it takes amazing willpower to not bring anything home that you know is bad for you! I think it’s a good strategy, but I’m not quite woman enough for it … And that would mean I’d have to end my love affair with ice cream. I’m not ready to let that relationship go.

      LOL on your story. That’s pretty funny. It’s amazing what a couple of beers will do to your level of liking a person :). Now here’s the real question: Are you guys still Facebook friends?

      • October 4, 2010 8:49 pm

        I think I was just so surprised that I actually liked him that I kept telling him. Like “wow, I can’t even believe it but I like you” and then, “cool, I like you” and then the gushing. I’m still embarrassed by it frankly.

        Haha! Yep, we’re still facebook friends… and, every once in a while he still sends me a text that says “hey sexy” or something else equally intellectual and charming.

        P.S. He owns leopard print sheets and zebra print shower set…it wasn’t really gonna work out.

        • October 4, 2010 9:37 pm

          Too funny! Leopard print sheets and zebra print shower set? Was he Prince or something? George Michael? Definitely wasn’t gonna work out :). But I think it’s pretty funny that you couldn’t get over yourself that you actually liked him. Happens to the best of us 🙂

  6. October 4, 2010 12:42 pm

    I am so glad you saw He’s Just Not That Into You! It is a classic and should be shown to young girls junior high on the day that they take the boys in one room and the girls in another and tell us about puberty and sex.

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

    P.S. I still think you need to read the book too! It’s a doosey. And I used to give it to my girlfriends as presents all the time. (Mostly because I was sick of hearing them moan about men who just weren’t into them.) Of course you seem to have a lot of guys into you.

    • October 4, 2010 2:01 pm

      I know, I love that movie! I do need to read the book. The only thing I don’t like about the movie is that it kind of goes against what the lesson is – the lesson is supposed to be that you are not the exception, you are the rule. However, so many women in this movie end up being the exception. Makes you wonder a bit. Also, I don’t like how Gigi seems to like that guy simply because he likes her. There is never a moment when she seems to realize that she likes him… it all revolves around how he feels about her. I’m not a fan of that part. But overall, it’s a great movie and I’m a fan!

      And Crystal, don’t let me fool you. I can get a guy to be interested in me. I just can’t KEEP him interested in me. LOL. My sister said to me one time, “I can make any man fall in love with me. I just haven’t learned how to KEEP him in love with me.” I think I have a similar problem. Men are enamored by my personality, how straight forward I am, how fun I am, etc, etc, at first … but I think I lack a certain mystery to keep them engaged. I’m working on it 🙂

      • October 4, 2010 7:16 pm

        I think I have the same problem. I can’t tell you how many men fall for me really quickly and then disappear off the face of the earth. It’s crazy. And, of course they usually hang on until I think they really are in love with me.

        About Gigi — I do think a lot of women just want to be wanted so badly that all they care about is whether a guy likes them and they don’t realize they are doing it.

        • October 4, 2010 9:36 pm

          Glad to know me, and my sister, are not the only ones with this problem!

  7. October 4, 2010 12:52 pm

    These are great! Who isn’t guilty of the FB stalking? I almost consider it my right to stalk the FB page just so I know things. BUT don’t get caught and don’t blurt out some information that you should not know unless you stalked his FB page. Don’t ask me how I know how bad that is. I just know;)
    -SG

    • October 4, 2010 2:03 pm

      Thanks! FB stalking is the best. I don’t know what we did before Facebook. The worst is when you are dating a guy that isn’t really into Facebook. BORING!! haha 🙂

      Good call on not blurting out information that you wouldn’t know unless you were Facebook stalking. It’s hard to keep up with though!!

      On crazy behavior – Chef knew my mother’s name before I told him. From Facebook. So I may be crazy, but so is he! 🙂

  8. October 4, 2010 2:29 pm

    I love How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days! I always get a kick out of the “Our Family Album” that she makes. Too funny!

    -Lucky

    • October 4, 2010 3:02 pm

      Haha! I love that album she makes too. And when she calls hs mom. Priceless.

  9. Matt permalink
    October 4, 2010 3:30 pm

    I agree with dennisfinocchiaro – if the guy is really into you he probably won’t mind most of these things! Just like if you really like a guy you’ll probably “let him off” some things that would really bug you otherwise.

    I don’t think most of these bother me all that much, but the “Whatcha thinking?” one can be quite tricky and invasive – I probably had a few different recent thoughts and now feel the need to filter for appropriateness!

    • October 4, 2010 4:16 pm

      Haha, you are right about “whatcha thinking?” I’m fully aware it’s annoying and invasive. But why do I always want to ask it?? haha…. I’m noting your comment and will do a better job fighting the urge in the future 🙂

  10. October 4, 2010 3:57 pm

    LOL. Post emo status on facebook. A total way to lose a guy!

  11. October 4, 2010 6:11 pm

    I love He’s Just Not That Into You! (Don’t tell anyone I said that). I’d just broken up when I watched that movie, it’s a good one for that. Sorry I can’t reply to your comment on my blog, I’ve had my password taken away until I finish (and, um, start) writing a certain essay that was due yesterday, but I will as soon as I do. 🙂

    • October 4, 2010 9:38 pm

      Haha, your secret is safe with me. No worries on the comment … good luck finishing up your essay! I wish I had someone who would take away my blogging privileges until I did my work…

  12. October 4, 2010 6:21 pm

    You illustrate just how difficult it is juggling our feminine urges in the midst of dating. I am fairly well convinced that dating (especially in the first few months) is not nearly as complicated for guys as it is for us gals. We don’t mean to be creepy, or to get too attached too soon, or to pry, or any of the other undesirable things that seem to send men running in the opposite direction. Underneath it all, we are really very down to earth, normal creatures… it is just that these crazy hormonal urges seem to be particularly strong when we are faced with the excitement of “what might be”. Perhaps some of the earlier commenters are correct and the right guy will not care about these things. However, I still do my best to keep my overwhelming desire to cook for him under wraps until he’s had a chance to realize I just like to cook and that I’m not already nesting. I also love to travel; the first thing I want to do when I meet a guy I am really interested in is take a vacation together. There is something about it that makes me giddy inside… travelling to a new place, taking lots of cute pictures together, staying in an adorable hotel. Just another urge I have to keep under control until he’s had an opportunity to discover that I am not a serial killer. Cheers to hanging on to a guy (but not in that clingy, creepy way) for more than 10 days!

    • October 4, 2010 9:41 pm

      I think you are right. Dating (especially in the beginning) is way harder for girls than guys. Everything you’ve said in this comment is exactly what I was trying to say in this blog post!! We are definitely normal creatures, but it’s not our fault that our brains just suddenly go these places… we can’t help it! I’m just happy that I’m aware of my craziness. That’s the only possibility I have of keeping it in check :). But it’s good to hear that someone else has the same urges as I do!
      Love the “Cheers to hanging on to a guy (but not in that clingy, creepy way) for more than 10 days!” I wish the same for you!!

  13. Claudia permalink
    October 4, 2010 7:35 pm

    Perhaps you didn’t watch “He’s just not that into you,” very closely for most of those. Or if memory serves me, the other one also.

    If he’s really into you…

    1. He’ll want to go on holiday too. Not just because of the hot hotel sex, but because YOU love traveling. If he’s REALLY into you, he’ll suggest it first because of this.

    2. He’ll tell you he feels the connection also.

    3. Happily eat whatever you make him.

    4. A full medical history is just creepy. Full stop.

    5. You don’t have to post emo statuses, because there is no ambiguity. Love isn’t a battlefield if the guy is really into you. If it’s difficult in the beginning during the happy blissful stage, why would anyone assume it’ll get better?

    6. Intelligence is easy to suss out early by conversation. The polygraph option, while entertaining and probably needed for the most part is creepy.

    7. You should never force a guy to do anything, just like they should never force you to do anything.

    8. Is a retarded girl thing that I’ve never understood even if I’m a girl.

    9. He’ll be FB stalking you also.

    10. He’ll want to do typical couple things with you.

    I’ve watched every single one of my non-dickhead guy friends give girls the run around and look for excuses to ditch out early. And then the moment they meet someone they are REALLY into, pretty much throw all those crap rules out the window and treat the gal like a goddess.

    • October 4, 2010 9:45 pm

      LOL, thanks Claudia for your comment. You are right, but I guess what I’m saying is that yes, most of these actions should be OK with the right guy – but I don’t know that the right guy would know that he’s the right guy if you pull any of this stuff too early on. Especially before they’ve had a chance to completely decide what they think about you, or if they even really like you. You know what I mean?
      Agreed though – full stop on the medical history. As far as #1… you said exactly what I think. I want to find a guy that wants to travel, not necessarily because they like to travel (that would be nice) but I want them to do it for me. That was a huge problem for me and my ex, and something that is going to be really important in the next guy that I am with.
      And damn, you are also right about #5. There would be no need for emo status updates if all was well with the world.
      But #7… Damn it… I am going to make him watch some Felicity!! haha jk 🙂
      Thanks for your comment.

      • Claudia permalink
        October 6, 2010 1:41 am

        They know very early on if they are really into you and can’t help themselves but to make it known. If they have to think about it over time and make a decision, they just aren’t that into you. It’s a chemical reaction of being so drawn to someone that it’s not “I want to date this person,” but “I can’t NOT date this person.” The only reason why it appears to take some guys a bit to catch on is because they are either not paying attention or they are fighting it.

        Granted there are exceptions to the rule, but that is generally over a long period of time as people change. Typically though it’s not while dating someone, but with friends.

        Guys being wishy washy about the situation just means they aren’t that into you. Yeah they may date you even for quite a while and drive you emo in the process, but it never works out. That intensely being drawn together beginning is what holds things together until the deeper feelings can set in.

        What I don’t understand is why people waste their time seeing someone where there is no being mutually really into each other. All it does is cause friction and closes you off from meeting someone who is.

        As put best in the brilliant film Dream for an Insomniac: There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn’t be one of them.

        • October 6, 2010 12:31 pm

          Hi Claudia, thanks for this comment. I really like the part about it not being “I want to date this person,” but “I can’t NOT date this person.” I think some guys though, are aloof even if they are into you. Even if they have those feelings. They play hard to get. And that’s when things can get especially complicated.
          I agree completely though – if you aren’t into someone, stop seeing them. You are wasting theirs (and your) time. Do not use them as a placeholder until something/someone better comes along. I think a lot of people do that, and it is completely unfair. But I bet it happens way more than we think.
          I really liked that quote from Dream for an Insomniac. I haven’t even heard of that film, but now I’m going to have to check it out! Thanks!

  14. October 4, 2010 10:32 pm

    Do your dates know that you have a blog? I assume not, but what happens if they accidentally stumble upon your blog? That’s the problem with blogs I suppose…. Another great post by the way.

    • October 5, 2010 10:16 am

      Haha, this is the eternal question. Yes, almost everyone I’ve dated know about the blog. I always wanted to keep it to myself (at least until like the third date), but never felt comfortable writing about someone and them not knowing. Because frankly, the minute they add me on Facebook or do a Google search for me, they will find the blog. I’m not anonymous at all. But, I also felt like it came up a lot in normal first date/second date conversation, because you talk about your interests, and one of my primary interests is writing, ie: the blog. So it’s gone a couple of ways… a guy will like the blog, and think it’s awesome that I’m writing about them. Or it totally turns them off. The way it usually goes is they like it, and then suddenly, they don’t like it. The more they like me, the less they like the blog. Chef, who I’ve been dating for about two months, actually refuses to read the blog now – and he used to be one of my biggest fans! All I can say is that it is an ongoing struggle…

  15. October 5, 2010 12:05 am

    Since I’m a guy, I never thought I’d end up seeing either of the aforementioned movies, but thanks to a former girlfriend, I did. And, umm, sort of enjoyed them! Which I can’t believe I’m admitting to you…

    Anyway. Kind of lost focus here. The point is, who among us hasn’t done at least a little bit of Facebook stalking once or twice? It’s perfectly innocent! Mostly.

    And now I’m all caught up on your blog. Late to the party perhaps, but here for the rest of the ride regardless!

    • October 5, 2010 10:30 am

      Thanks for the admission. We’re all friends here, and your secret is safe with us :). Haha, EVERYONE Facebook stalks. It’s almost what Facebook is for. But no one admits it, really. But me. 🙂
      Thanks for catching up on the blog. It was fun to watch you comment on all the old posts! Reminded me of some of the posts I’d forgotten I’d written. I can’t believe you read so much – thank you! Makes my heart hurt. In a good way 🙂

  16. October 5, 2010 12:31 am

    Dear Catherine,

    I HOPE you never learn to act perfectly sane. What’s likable about you (coming from someone who doesn’t know you, but has started reading your blogs), is that you haven’t learned to be totally superficial and casual and careless.

    I remember when I was 12, realizing that it was inappropriate to like people as much as I did. It freaked them out. So, I tried to tone myself down a bunch. That only lasted a little while. I fell completely in love when I was 15 and that crazy person who wants to give her heart totally came out again. Luckily, I found a guy who doesn’t mind. He’s that kind of crazy, too. We’re still together. I’m glad that I dropped the act, because it was really just kind of heartbreaking. So, my advice is, don’t go there.

    I really think that you will find a forever type man. They are out there. And they’re having just as hard a time as you are. Strangely enough, in spite of most women’s complaints, it seems that the forever men are not that popular.

    Also, from what I’ve seen, forever type people are good at recognizing one another when they meet.

    By the way, I want to say, I sympathize with not wanting to scare people. It’s all well and good to be heartfelt, but if it’s clearly just going to make someone uncomfortable, it’s not really a good idea. Nobody wants to be insensitive. So, there’s a balance to find. I’m still trying to find it myself. When I meet people, I don’t know how personal I am allowed to be (with men and women alike). For me it’s less complicated, because I’m not actually dating. But these things still come up in the context of making friends, etc.

    Thanks for writing so honestly here on your blog. Hope I didn’t cross any boundaries.

    Sincerely,

    Asha

    • October 5, 2010 11:28 am

      Asha,
      Thanks so much for your comment and for sharing your struggles with this issue too! Glad to know I’m not alone out there, struggling between oversharing, overconnecting and scaring people away. And I say people, because this is an ongoing problem for me – it’s not just with men, lol. Thanks for your kind words too – I actually like that I’m a little quirky, a little crazy. I think it’s endearing. Most times. LOL. It keeps things interesting, at least. And at least I’m up front about it, right? But I will say, I don’t want to be the kind of person who just follows social norms without question and ends up not really caring about anything, if you know what I mean. And I definitely do not want to ever be superficial. I think that’s just a dirty word, almost!

      I’m so happy for you that you found someone who embraces you for who you are. We should all be so lucky. I too, hope that I can find a “forever man.” Because I think that I am built to be a “forever woman.” It’s just in my DNA. I will never be Casual Catherine (as much as I would like to try). But you are right, it’s just like women say they want a nice guy and they really don’t. Forever men aren’t always the most popular. Unless they are forever men, that you have to break in first – ie, they are bad guys when you meet them. I’m not trying to break a bad guy in. I don’t have the energy. I just want a good guy to sweep me off my feet! 🙂

      Thanks again for your thoughtful comment – and trust me, no boundaries crossed. Would be very hard to cross boundaries with me – remember, I’m an oversharer and I love advice 🙂
      Catherine

  17. October 5, 2010 3:33 am

    Love this post! And yes, did some of the stuff listed above (shame shame shame on me..) I love cooking as well, and love giving away the cookies, and muffins and all types of food.. Proposing to go on vacation, check. Stalking on facebook, check again. Hmmm, not painting a real good picture of myself, huh. Psycho, lol.
    Anyway, love your blog! 🙂

    • October 5, 2010 11:30 am

      Thank you! Haha, you are not psycho. I definitely can’t call you psycho – cause then I’d be calling myself pyscho…. lol. Thanks for admitting to doing some off-the-wall crazy-girl behavior. I think we’re all guilty of a few of these! But, I think it could be worse… you could literally be pyscho, aka Misery-style!
      Thanks for your comment and for reading!

  18. October 5, 2010 7:48 am

    I was so relieved when my boyfriend started asking me what I was thinking. If he can do it, I can do it!

    • October 5, 2010 11:31 am

      Haha! Awesome! I need a man like that. There’s nothing worse than asking, “What are you thinking?” when someone clearly looks DEEP in thought and they say “Nothing!” Booooo. I asked Chef last night what he was thinking after we had a serious conversation (update on this to come later this week) and he was like “To be honest, I don’t know what I’m thinking.” That’s much better than “nothing.”

  19. October 5, 2010 1:11 pm

    OK, I’ll bite: I found a very good way to make a guy question a second date is to ask for his “number” on the first!

    But in my defense, I was married very young, so post-divorce, I found myself completely startled at all the “activity” those around me had enjoyed while I was happily married. So I kinda fixated on that for a while… 😉

    • October 5, 2010 6:22 pm

      Mikalee – LOVED this one. Good addition to the list. I can’t believe I forgot this! I am guilty of this one too. I’ve been pretty fixated on the number too, for many of the same reasons you mention here. Did you see my post Sex After the Ex? Sorry to shamelessly plug, but you might find it interesting considering your comment. Thanks for reading and commenting!
      https://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/sex-after-the-ex/

  20. eagle permalink
    October 5, 2010 1:40 pm

    You write wonderfully, with so much humor, I stumbled upon this blog from another one in Malta, my next destination.

    You are definitely a nester, with so many homely instincts which you seem to struggle and juggle with I guess as an independent woman.

    as I cherish my privacy, i’m not on facebook and dont want to be, and have had issues in the past with people posting on their blogs.

    I wouldnt say its a guy thing, but why cant things stay in a circle of trust and not be shared with the world ? Especially if its a great moment or relationship, I wouldnt want to share that out, keep it all to myself and cherish that as something for me and whoever it was.

    Its like watching the moon at night or the ocean at dusk, saying it out loud breaks the moment, same with all these updates.

    But each to his / her own, love what you doing, sail on !

    • October 5, 2010 6:26 pm

      Thanks for your comment! I appreciate the nice words. I guess I am a bit of a nester, but that’s a struggle with also being fiercely independent.

      You make a good point about keeping secrets and keeping things to ourselves. I find that I don’t really hold many things as secret, I tell everything. Guys in my past have said “Why do you tell everyone EVERYTHING?!” And this was pre-blog. Imagine the troubles I have now. I think as girls, we are conditioned that if something is a secret, you say “This is between us.” Or “Please keep this a secret.” Or, when we were kids, “Pinky swear you won’t tell anyone.” But, I’m not sure guys have the same experience. If they tell something in confidence, it’s in confidence. End of story. That’s something I really need to work on, so thanks for the reminder.

  21. October 5, 2010 3:46 pm

    This cracks me up. Though I’m totally with you on #6. That should be a given.

    • October 5, 2010 6:31 pm

      LOL – wouldn’t relationships be so much easier if this was an up-front requirement? You’d know EXACTLY what you were getting into! 🙂
      Maybe you could also reinstate the polygraph ever 6 months or so. Like a regular requirement to make sure everything is in order… hahaha

  22. October 5, 2010 7:37 pm

    Love this list. Definitely anything that will scare a guy off (or vice versa) is mentioning children far too early in dating. On one hand I can’t blame them for not wanting to waste time with someone whose values don’t coincide with theirs, but at the same time, especially in online dating where MOST people are upfront about kids, I think a little more time needs to be given before jumping into that topic, definitely NOT before the third date for crying out loud!

    • October 5, 2010 9:37 pm

      Yep, the children conversation can definitely scare someone away! You have a good point here – I feel like it comes up really early online dating, but that feels more acceptable. But when you are mentioning on the second date that you want three kids and a dog, and only want to be with a guy who would be good with three kids and a dog, that might be a problem. HOWEVER – and I will say I believe this very strongly – If you already have a child (or children) I think it is completely fine to, on first date, mention your kids, that they are important to you, and that you ultimately want to be with someone who values children. I don’t know why, but I feel like there are different rules if you already have kids.

  23. October 6, 2010 3:24 am

    As a guy I’d say that one and three should be taken off this list. Everyone knows the quickest way to a mans heart is his stomach and vacations or just quick getaways rock. But where it fails is in the presentation. the casual approach is best with a no pressure invite. And any time there is a possibility of sex the man is probably going to go that way unless there is something wrong with him or he thinks that there is something wrong with you.
    But just a reminder…guys like to take pride in their work and giving a chef brownies puts you in a competition with him and makes him defensive.
    But if he’s such an insecure idiot as to demand to see your computer then he isn’t worth your time until he puts on his big boy britches and learns to stand up to pee.Besides its not stalking when the person you are into is checking you out…its bragging rights…Its like “Yeah I’m hot!”
    Just rattling the hen house. (mostly just for my own amusement while you hens try to figure out guys) Really its much simpler than you make it out. Just take out the emotional stuff and treat it like a completely separate issue from sex and fun. (see one short sentence!)

    • October 6, 2010 12:36 pm

      Haha, thanks so much for your guy’s perspective. I will keep that in mind. My problem is I’m no good at casual. I’m full speed ahead, or nothing at all. So first, I am going to work on being Casual Catherine. Second, I’ll then revisit numbers one and three :).

      That’s an interesting point on the brownies with the Chef… actually, I don’t think he’s insecure though, because he’s since said that he would really like me to cook for him because no one ever cooks for him. They are always too nervous. I think I would be too! He owns a restaurant!!

      As far as the computer, I hope I didn’t give the wrong impression – he just borrowed my computer to look something up. And my screen happened to be on his Facebook page. I would NEVER be with someone who demanded to see my computer, my cell phone, etc. Hell, I wouldn’t be with someone who demanded anything from me, LOL! You ask. Not demand. Ever.

      Thanks for rattling the hen house. ALWAYS welcome 🙂 And it simply can’t be that simple … we’re women! How we do we take out the emotional stuff from the sex/fun? I’ve tried…. I find it physically impossible. Maybe I’m not strong enough of a woman 🙂

  24. October 6, 2010 9:26 am

    Just to say I’m in love with your blog, your an amazing person Keep writing
    🙂

    • October 6, 2010 12:51 pm

      Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I will keep writing as long as I have something I feel is worth putting out there, for sure 🙂

  25. Professor X permalink
    October 6, 2010 10:34 am

    First, I would rather eat dirt than watch either of these movies. I have traditional Neanderthal taste in movies–I like movies where things go fast, and subsequently explode. I watched “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” with my wife one weekend. I lactated for three days.

    Keep getaways on the things to do list. One good way of knowing whteher or not you’ve got legit prospects with someone is knowing whether or not you can travel together.

    Also–in answer to “Who isn’t always thinking soemthing?” Guys. Not men. Guys. Men are born with specific biological equipment. “Guy” is more of a gendered identity. Guys like Bruce Springsteen, because he sings songs about girls and cars (or both). This is a conundrum faced by many–you might want to date a “nice guy”–but there are two key terms here–“nice” and “guy”. Placing too much (or too little) emphasis on either term upsets the delicate balance of nature, and makes it very difficult for you to be included in the Animal Planet phrase “and the cycle of life continues.”

    • October 6, 2010 12:54 pm

      Wow, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is a bit much. Even for me. You must really love your wife. 🙂
      Duly noted on the getaways – I agree it’s a good way of getting to know someone. However, ask too early, and you look nutso.
      Interesting perspective on the men vs. guys. Gonna have to think on that a bit more…

  26. October 6, 2010 10:48 am

    Great post, C.

    #3: No baking. Hmm, I’ve already promised St. Elmo that I would save him (his polite request) some of whatever I made from my apple picking adventures this past weekend. I already broke that rule! (and I do have to say that I will WIN over any man’s heart with my apple cinnamon cheesecake bars).

    #8: I used to do this. I’ve stopped. Then my CDB-Ex used to ask this to me at times and literally, I wouldn’t be thinking about anything. My mind would be running blank and I’m sure he thought I was just some kind of bubblehead ditz at those moments. Oh well.

    #9: I love FB stalking! But I’ve also had instances where I caught my rebound guy stalking me. I’d mention something and he’d say “oh yeah, I saw your picture of that” and I knew that he had to have been looking at all of my FB pics to have seen what I was talking about.

    • October 6, 2010 12:59 pm

      Thanks, Amy! #3- if they request it, it’s not crazy. Addendum to the rule. 🙂 And what the heck do I have to do to get one of those apple cinnamon cheesecake bars?? Yum! #8… I think it’s a good one to stop. I’m working on it too. But damn it’s hard. Because it’s such an easy go-to question when there is an awkward silence! #9 – Hahaha, nothing better than catching someone Facebook stalking you. You can act all high and mighty “Hey stalker, take it down a notch.” When you know you are just as guilty yourself, maybe not with this person, but in general. I don’t think a gazillion people would be on Facebook if it didn’t have such huge stalking benefits 🙂

  27. October 6, 2010 1:58 pm

    I HATED “He’s just not that into you,” with a passion. While yeah, it’s great to be all sappy and romantic and true to yourself, it is not great to be desperate and need a man to feel validated, or to delude yourself into thinking that he’s going to leave her for you.

    That being said, I’ve made the same mistake of wanting to co-host parties. I love having people over! The trick, however, is to find someone who loves to entertain as much as you do and who won’t mind if you bake him brownies a little too soon. 😉

    • October 6, 2010 7:39 pm

      Yeah, I definitely didn’t like when they talked about cheating in that movie. But I’m hoping (HOPING) that most of it was to make a point about how stupid it is to think that way. You shouldn’t even WANT him to leave her for you – EVER!! I mean, if he’s the kind of guy who will leave one girl for another, what the hell do you think he’s going to do to you?
      Thank GOODNESS I’m not the only one who has made this “hosting party” mistake. I felt so stupid when I said it, but it really did make perfect sense – in my head! You cook! I bake! I like your friends! I want you to like my friends. LET’S HAVE A PARTY!!! Lol…. Damn it, I still believe it a little. See, I told you I was crazy. But you are right, I’m hoping I’ll find a guy who doesn’t mind if I do these things, and so far Chef seems to find it more amusing than anything else, so that’s interesting.

  28. Dana permalink
    October 6, 2010 5:39 pm

    Ugh you almost forgot saying the phrase “soulmate,” no matter what the context, during the first date. I made a joke about that and about someone getting married. Got dropped like a bad habit, and I swear I wasn’t even being psycho. I was totally trying to make him laugh. Unfortunately, it ended up being AT me and not with me 😦

    • October 6, 2010 7:58 pm

      OHHH good one Dana!!! I sometimes say stuff like that too, trying to be fun, and it doesn’t quite work out the way I intended. The term “soulmate” should not be used what, in the entire first month of dating? LOL.

  29. October 6, 2010 10:44 pm

    Oh can I relate…I’ve been caught facebooking stalking myself. How embarrassing. How did I know his sister recently took a trip? Oh yeah, cause she’s not private and I for whatever reason was looking at her page. And accidentally mentioned the trip to him. He looked at me funny asking how I knew that? Hmm, how did know that? Another great post Catherine!

    • October 6, 2010 11:05 pm

      hahaha…awesome. You need to be a more responsible Facebook stalker, is all I say. Don’t stop the stalking, just be more sleuth-like about it! 🙂 Thanks for sharing this story.

  30. October 6, 2010 11:57 pm

    I love this blog. It seems that great minds think alike is starting to become our new thing. Lol. I was planning to make my next post about relationships (it’s just where my mind is at for the moment. Who am I kidding 75% of the time). And I was planning to refer back to He’s Just Not That Into You. I honestly swear by this movie. I really and trully do. I believe that I am the exception to the rule, it’s not denial. I just can’t honestly picture me being the rule. I have had some low life’s as ex’s but I don’t believe that I’m doomed relationship wise. And catherine, you and your sister are not the only one’s that are facebook stalkers. The world is made up of facebook stalkers. My mom tried to facebook stalk my current boyfriend. Thank god he doesn’t have one, or believe in it’s dangerously evil magic. teehee.

    • October 7, 2010 1:00 am

      Thank you! You definitely should write a post about it… Can’t wait to read it! And seriously, who wants to think they are the rule? Who wants to be average, just like everyone else? I think, I know, I want to be the exception. Problem is, sometimes I just gotta face the reality that that is not always the case… For some men, I am the rule. But I’m hoping there will be one man, the right man, for which I am the exception. We’ll see…

      Thanks for making me feel better on the Facebook stalking!! Too funny that your mom is a stalker too 🙂

  31. October 7, 2010 2:41 pm

    Hahahahah! What a perfect list! I laughed out loud!

    In my single days, I was definitely guilty of the first three–the most embarassing one being the time I asked a guy on vacation just to keep him from dumping me. It was a sheer act of desperation, and it kept him around just long enough to grab some sun and sand. Shortly after we got home, things went from bad to worse, and in a month, it was over.

    Two things I learned: 1) Only ask a guy on vacation if you honestly think he’s going to stick around for a while, and 2) Making out on the beach is way less fun then it sounds. (Sand + mosquitos = the opposite of sexytimes.)

    • October 7, 2010 8:20 pm

      Haha! I kinda love that you asked someone to go on a vacation with you to keep them from dumping you. That’s an awesome tactic – if a little expensive. 🙂 LOL on the making out on the beach – you are right. Too much sand. And when I went to Jamaica last time, the mosquitos and sand fleas were OUT OF CONTROL! But, it can be romantic just at sunset, if you have a really big blanket, just enough bug spray (but not so much that you both stink) and it’s with the right guy (that you think will stick around for awhile). We all just gotta wait for that.

  32. October 8, 2010 9:11 pm

    Wait???…what??? (not to be nosy…but er…I’m nosy…plus I tend to not be able to follow things that don’t occur in a linear fashion lol)…Didn’t you JUST post about you and Chef taking a leap into exclusivity…and then “if we were still seeing each other”…huh? did I miss a post (it is possible, I’m sort of catching up on reading like 100 posts today lol!)

    And OMG at those emo facebook status updates…I think I might have to post those just for shits and giggles…

    And finally

    LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the felicity reference/idea LMAO!!! Awesome

    • October 10, 2010 11:18 pm

      LOL – yes, we are leaping into exclusivity. Sorry to be confusing 🙂 If I ever speak like “if we are still seeing each other” it’s cause I have no faith in successful relationships. LOL. 99% of all relationships end, so I just live in the fact that it’ll prob end. LOL.
      LOVE LOVE LOVE That you get the Felicity reference! A woman after my own heart. Damn, I love that show.

  33. July 20, 2011 10:57 am

    Ugh. I’m pretty sure I end up making a mess of things sometimes by saying that there’s a connection a little too early. Talk about getting carried away much!

    • July 23, 2011 6:31 pm

      Snigdha,
      I feel like saying there is a connection almost any time is a bad idea! LOL. It may be true, but I feel like guys react weirdly to that sort of discussion…but maybe we’ve just been talking to the wrong guys?

  34. July 21, 2011 10:06 am

    I’m with you on the full medical disclosure, on the first date! I want to know if he has any mental issues… any medical issues… I have only had one person who did tell me about mental issues before the first date… sorry to say there was no first date. A little too soon when we are just talking over the phone.

    How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is one of my favorites… I love it toward the end when he realizes Andies friend was the therapist. 🙂 Great Post!

    • July 21, 2011 7:24 pm

      I LOVE that part too! A girl after my own heart. Too bad we can’t require medical disclosure before every date…. 🙂

  35. May 3, 2012 2:48 pm

    C — it’s funny, I have a similar post on my own dating blog — http://datingdaredevil.com/uncategorized/how-to-lose-a-guy-in-21-days

    (there are 3 parts) — and even used the same poster!

  36. Amanda permalink
    July 21, 2012 10:23 am

    I love your writing. Your blog is truly inspiring. Not many would have the courage to openly discuss our lives like you do. Thank you for doing what you do.

    • August 2, 2012 11:04 pm

      Thank you Amanda! That means a lot to me. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

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