10 Ways to Lose a Guy (Maybe in 10 Days)
Last night, I watched a chic-flick mini marathon, including How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and He’s Just Not That Into You. Watching these movies got me thinking about the crazy stuff I really want to do when I first start seeing a guy. Stuff that I only admit to my closest friends, and all of you on this blog. Stuff that I either A: Have personally done, and immediately regretted or B: Know way better than to do, ever. Or don’t do, because the logistics are just too complicated. So, because I love lists, here’s my personal list of 10 Ways to Lose a Guy (Maybe in 10 Days).
1) Ask a guy to go on a vacation with me. I love to travel. I love a good beach. What’s more fun than having a romantic beach rendezvous with a guy you are into? Vacation sex is way better than home sex. However, I’m not sure it’s appropriate to mention you want to go on a trip with someone, say, two months into a relationship. I didn’t quite ask Chef to go to Tahiti with me, but I did mention (while slightly inebriated) a cruise for my mom’s birthday in January and it would be fun if he would go. If we were still seeing each other. Someone should shoot me now.
2) Tell a man that you two have “a connection.” This is a mistake I’ve made a few times in my dating life. Guys do not want to hear, especially on the third date, that you feel there’s a connection there. Even if there is, keep it to yourself. Who really knows on a third date if there is a connection anyway, crazy?
3) Bake a guy brownies. Or any other dessert. I love baking. But I live in a constant state of counting calories. I also cannot have baked goods in my house without eating the entire pan within a week. It’s a problem. So, I like to bake for the man in my life. I get to keep a little, and then I get to hand off the calories and burden to someone else. Someone with a higher metabolism than me. The minute I start seeing someone regularly, I have this urge to make them brownies. And cupcakes. And maybe zucchini bread, depending on what ingredients I have in the house. But unfortunately, I don’t think it’s appropriate to hand over chocolate chip cookies to someone I’ve only seen six times.
4) Ask a guy for a full health history. Okay, I’ve never done this, but damn I’d like to. Can you please give me your health history? What about your father’s and mother’s? Hmm … what about your mental health history? Schizophrenia, bipolar, anything? Tell me now so I know what I’m getting into. I’m no spring chicken and I need to know if you are viable for baby-making
5) Post emo status updates on Facebook. Regularly. Oh, to be emo on Facebook. It’s so fun for you, and fun for your friends to watch the downward spiral. If I didn’t know better, I would regularly post things like, “Just wondering what someone is thinking. Sigh.” Or “Why are some people so hard to understand?” Or “Love is hard.” Even worse, “Love is a battlefield.”
6) Require a polygraph and IQ test upon first meeting. I’ve had my share of liars, thank you very much. If I could work out the logistics (and find a way to not look nuts in the process), I would, upon first date, administer a polygraph to see how honest a guy is. And an IQ test to make sure he knows the state capital and the difference between complement and compliment, among other things. If he passes, then we can eat.
7) Force a guy to watch a Felicity marathon with me. Then judge them on whether they like Ben or Noel better. The Ben (not so nice but hot guy) or Noel (super nice guy) question is something I like to get out of the way early on in a relationship. It tells me what kind of guy he’s going to be. Is he going to be a hot guy who is always aloof with me, and will eventually cheat on me? Or is he going to be a good guy and treat me well, but probably bore the hell out of me? And I don’t mean a bad guy who says he’s a good guy. Remember this oldie but goodie?
8) Randomly ask a guy “Whatcha thinking?” and refuse to believe him when he says that he isn’t thinking anything. Who isn’t thinking anything? I’m guilty of this one, for sure.
9) Get caught Facebook stalking. Okay, this one is a little story. I was on the phone with my sister who lives in California and she wanted to know what Chef looked like. So I told her his real name, and she got on Facebook and started looking at his profile. She asked me about a few pictures, but I didn’t know which ones she was talking about. So I got on my computer, and over the phone, looked at all his pictures with her. Fast forward to two hours later, and Chef is at my house. He needs to borrow the computer, and opens it up and it’s right on his Facebook page. Deep in his pictures. Hello, stalker! And it was totally innocent. Maybe.
10) Suggest that you should co-host a party. Okay guys, this one is hard to admit. My mind is forever stuck in forever. My brain’s default is serious relationship, not casual dating. I love having people over to my house. Love it. Pool parties in the summer are one of my favorite things. Very late one night (I think I was delirious), I mentioned to Chef that we should have a party. He could cook, I could bake and we could invite our respective friends to hang out. He gave me a look that said, “Hello, crazytown.” And he was right. I am nuts. I don’t know why my mind goes there. It’s like when Gigi on He’s Just Not That Into You suddenly assumes she is co-hosting a party because the guy in which she is interested asks her to refill some chips.
What’s on your list of crazy stuff you have the urge to do in the beginning of a relationship? Have you ever done anything crazy of which you are not proud? If you were truly trying to lose a guy in 10 days, what would you do?
Oh, and in case you are wondering, here’s my favorite part from He’s Just Not That Into You:
Gigi: I think I’ve figured it out. Remember when I went out with that notary public and he cheated on me and then Anastasia from upstairs told me about how her boyfriend cheated on her in the beginning then he totally changed and now they’re married and crazy in love?
Beth: I thought that guy was a process server.
Gigi: No notary. Anyway my point is, Anastasia is the exception, not the rule. We have to stop listening to these stories because the rule is most guys who cheat on you up front don’t really care about you very much.
Gigi: Ok, Ok. Exhibit A. Chad the drummer who lived in a storage space. He only used me for rides and yet I continued to stalk him for most of 1998. Then oh, um, there was Don, that broke up with me every Friday so that he could have his weekends free. I was delusional about that relationship. I used to refer to him as my husband to random people, like my dental hygienist. Anyway, all my friends used to tell me about how things might work out with these dipsticks because they knew someone, who knew someone, who dated a dipstick just like mine. That girl ended up getting married and living happily ever after. That is the exception and we’re not the exception, we’re the rule.