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Simply Solo Spotlight: Guys Are Easy

October 12, 2010
I’m excited to announce that today we have our first guest blogger on Simply Solo! So that you guys don’t have to only hear my perspectives on dating and love (because what the hell do I know? And frankly, I’m boring.), I really wanted to take the opportunity to feature some other writers, stories and advice. Weekly (if I can wrangle up a writer), a guest blogger will grace us with their presence in the Simply Solo Spotlight. This week’s spotlight is Unbelievably Smart Guy. Remember him? Great first date, super fun guy. We are now officially in the “friend zone,” and I’m excited that he’s shared the following insights with us all.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

Without further ado … here’s our first Simply Solo Spotlight!

Guys Are Easy 

On occasion, some great insights come from the most unlikely of sources. Now, more often than not, these are the exceptions to the rules, as in some ways it violates “guy code” to speak of such things. Well, even if it doesn’t violate the aforementioned code, it certainly goes against the code of rap music to paint the male gender in any light other than as latter-day Steve McQueens. (Note: Steve McQueen was the epitome of badass; I defy you to say otherwise.)

Steve McQueen

Badass Steve McQueen

The following is a small excerpt from rapper Louis Logic’s song “Idiot Gear.” To offer some context, the song is not about women being promiscuous, nor is it about lying to a guy to help pad his ego.

“This Cinderella shit is totally irrelevant
You’ll never get a girl older than 7 that’s been celibate
Cause every chick has been around the block with a guy or ten
And guys are sensitive, its better that you lie to them
Even the violent men who dress up in street clothes
With stilettos and heat know they’ve got delicate egos”

On the surface, this does not appear to be anything extraordinaire, however take a moment to analyze what this verse is implying. Could it be that the football watching, beer drinking, driving direction non-seeking, communication-deficient phallus wielders actually have a self-conscious side? Well, of course we do. We are every bit as irrational as the fairer sex. We say dumb things we don’t mean. We say dumber things in order to probe for information, gauge a response, and/or test where we are in the “relationship” cycle. Could we obtain this information by simply asking direct questions? Of course we could, but that isn’t something we often do. You’d have better luck getting a guy to admit that televised wrestling is a soap opera for men, than to get direct communication.

Guys out there reading this, I know that the knee-jerk reaction here is to say, “I don’t do that! Shut your face, moron.” Trust me, I am with you. In fact, I am currently engaged in an animated disagreement with my inner monologue as we speak. He too thinks I’m an asshole and may or may not have man-crush on Josh Hartnett. Stupid inner-monologue … Anyways, yes I hyperbolize for effect and there are some great communicators within the male gender. However, I would argue that it gets better as a relationship progresses, as we begin to let our guards down and explore this alien concept of “intimacy.”

So, what should we do with this information? There is no road map or blueprint to follow and I’m quite happy that there isn’t. Let’s hope that relationships never get reduced to an elaborate multiplication table or workflow algorithm. I would, however, be remiss not to at least offer some advice to the esteemed followers of Catherine’s illustrious blog. 

Ladies, accept the fact that you all – at least initially – communicate better than we do. Therefore, tell us what makes you feel good. If there is a certain thing you enjoy in the bedroom, don’t be afraid to let it be known. I mean, you could employ some tact so perhaps, “Yo, less motorboat and more oral. Now. Please.” isn’t the best way to go about it, but you get my point. Hmm … on second thought, that phrasing might actually work, but I digress.

I assure you that virtually every single guy with whom you are in a relationship wants to please you sexually and otherwise. Of course, I’ve specified “relationship,” as I’m sure there are the one-night stand and/or booty-call arrangements that definitely fall outside of this rule. (Like perhaps an alcohol induced Karen Owen situation in which some subjects have little to no desire, motivation, or incentive to please). I’m going to operate off the assumption that none of Catherine’s readers regularly engage in one-night stands/booty-calls. (Um … if I’m wrong in assuming this, ask Catherine for my number and get at me! Kidding … kinda.) Where was I? Right, so undoubtedly, one of the biggest myths out there is that guys are just looking out for themselves in the bedroom. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only do we want to please, but I’m fairly certain the desire to please is built into our DNA makeup. Alas, yet another beneficial byproduct of machismo. We kill spiders, open pickle jars, and want you to get your rocks off. You can thank us later.

Moving right along, reciprocation is vital. Ladies, you like when your man makes you feel pretty, right? Well, make him feel sexy. If he does this ____ with his ___ that makes your _____   _______ … you should probably share that info! Even if it is something as simple as telling him that getting a “goodnight” text makes you sleep that much sounder, then let him know. We aren’t psychics and we don’t ask questions all too often. As a result, in some ways, we need you ladies to take the initiative to provide the information. Sound like a double standard? Well, you are probably right, but we do pay for dates more often than not (even if we are dating feminists), so I guess that makes us even.

Here is the last bit of insight I wish to share. BE CONFIDENT. Ladies, ya’ll dig a confident guy, right? I think it is fair to say that women find “confidence” to be an attractive quality in a guy. Well, this goes both ways. Guys are definitely attracted to confidence too, regardless of whether they’d openly list it at the top of their “turn on” sheets. Put succinctly, we want to feel that the person we are “courting” is worthy of the effort. I acknowledge that this is a delicate balance to maintain and guys don’t want to date a “diva” any more than girls would want to date an arrogant, cocky jerk. Nonetheless, there is a balance that can (and should) be found here. Furthermore, there is a reason why this is so crucial. Quite frankly, guys generally don’t know how to handle a girl with significant self-image issues. That may sound bad, but I assure you that it isn’t intended to. The fact is that guys want to help. We like to “fix” things. We want the person we are dating to feel good about herself. Unfortunately, when we like someone but can’t figure out how to make that person feel good, we then start to feel a bit helpless. There aren’t many worse feelings in life than helplessness.

Consider the alternative though. If you can smoothly convey to a guy that you are awesome and that he should feel lucky to be with you, that will have a profound effect. Don’t believe me? Well ladies, consider how many guys you’ve started to like more once you realized that they were sought after … This isn’t the exact same thing, but it functions off of a similar principle. Of course, after you lull him into a false sense of security (aka intimacy), you can emasculate him with “Gilmore Girls” while peppering him with your self-image issues during commercial breaks. I’m just sayin’, this advice will at least help you get to this point, which really is the bellwether of any healthy relationship.


26 Comments leave one →
  1. Dana permalink
    October 12, 2010 9:38 am

    Wow. A.) I’m intimidated by his style of writing. Catherine-maybe you should rethink posting MY guest blog! B.) why the hell are there so many rules to dating? Remember the good ole days when you were younger and one phone conversation meant he was your boyfriend?!

    • October 12, 2010 11:38 am

      LOL, Dana. Don’t be intimidated by his writing, it’s just a totally different style than yours or mine – I can’t wait to post your story next week, it’s AWESOME!

      And LOL on the rules and games… too many! But, like I told you, I unfortunately think that games and following the rules work. Damn it.

      USG – what do you think?

    • USG permalink
      October 12, 2010 9:24 pm

      haha. A. I am truly flattered…but I really don’t think I am anyone to be intimidated by (Cat hates when I end sentences with a preposition…so really, how smart could I really be).

      B. I hear ya. I certainly don’t try and navigate the dating world ever mindful of rules. I am sure I break all of the rules consistently anyway. It is always easier to give advice than to take it. Actually, I’d argue that my stubbornness alone should reduce any intelligence I may (or may not) possess.

      Haha! To add on to your last point/question … I don’t even remember the last time a relationship or even a first date of mine was initiated via a phone call. I’m quite certain I’ve even texted all the way into a relationship before. 😉
      What’s with this brave new world of ours?

      I definitely look forward to reading your guest blog!

  2. Kelly permalink
    October 12, 2010 9:52 am

    I agree with Dana dating has turned into something so complicated these days. I of course have been married a long time but see what my two children go through with the opposite sex just makes me hurt inside for them. Great guest post Catherine, keep them coming…

    • October 17, 2010 2:29 pm

      Thanks, Kelly! I totally hear you – you are lucky to be married and not have to deal with this mess, but you do have to hear about it from your kids (oh and me, lol)!

  3. October 12, 2010 10:45 am

    Dear Unbelievably Smart Guy,

    I have had the experience that when I tell a man what I would like him to do for me and what I enjoy he does not do it — in a relationship moreso than in bed. And I have actually been told many times that there really is no hope in this situation.

    Perhaps you can give some advice on how to let a guy know that I need more compliments and presents to feel like he loves me? Oh, and that I feel like he doesn’t give a shit about me when he’s more than 15 minutes late for anything. (I should note, these are examples from a relationship long past. Maybe I’ve overcome this on my own by simply dating a better caliber of men.)

    Whadaya got?

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

    • USG permalink
      October 12, 2010 9:51 pm

      Haha…Ok, I’ll admit that the “USG” handle is pretty funny. I really do feel that I’m undeserving of this title. I tried to sell Catherine on the name “Slightly Burnt Tom Cruise,” but alas, it didn’t take.

      Crystal, I think I need to clarify this a bit. Even though I still maintain that in a good relationship a guy will want to please you outside of the bedroom, it is much easier for a guy to feel compelled to please you sexually. I know that isn’t the answer you wanted to hear but I gotta be honest. The reason I feel this is the case is because it plays off of a very strong subconscious impulse men have–the desire to pad our egos. Being good sexually is VERY important to us. In so many ways it characterizes a large portion of our manhood (no pun intended…no I’m serious. The pun was really unintentional).

      I think that if compliments and physical tokens of his affection are very important to you, then really the only way to make that clear is to tell him. It seems you already did that. Sure, there are other more subtle ways to drop hints but they aren’t gonna have as direct an impact. I do need to stand up for guys a bit though. There are some things that people just can’t change. I am not the most punctual person in the world. It can drive people crazy and I’m never mean it to hurt someone, however, for whatever reason I can’t seem to change this fact about myself. I think what is most important is to understand what you want and what you’re willing to put up with. It does seem that you’ve already done that by moving on to dating different men who came equipped with both punctuality, compliments and presents. 🙂

      I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful here.

      • October 12, 2010 9:53 pm

        I tried to sell Catherine on the name “Slightly Burnt Tom Cruise,” but alas, it didn’t take.

        How about “Tom Cruise Mocha”?

    • October 17, 2010 2:37 pm

      Crystal: I will say this, and this is something I’m definitely trying to live by – If I outright tell a guy what I want and what I need, and they can’t give it to me, then I need to move on. Now, if I’m just sitting around hoping that he’ll know what I want and then he doesn’t (men aren’t mind readers), I can’t be that dissapointed. But if I make it clear, and he chooses not to comply…. well F* him. I deserve to be with someone who makes me a priority and will do everything in his power to make me happy (within reason).

      So I think in your examples, I say find someone who can do what you ask. You are not asking for anything unreasonable. Except the 15 minutes late…some people simply can’t overcome that. I’m on the path to being one of them, but I’m really working on it.

  4. October 12, 2010 11:25 am

    USG:

    First of all, sorta strange commenting on my own blog (and not in response to another comment). LOL. My favorite part of this post was your advice on BE CONFIDENT. When I read that, I was like damn it. I ask you to write a guest blog post and you touch on my sensitive of topics.

    This is the thing that is hardest for me. I’m confident in my intelligence (um, unless I’m on a date with you, apparantly), in my personality and in my overall character. But I’ve had confidence issues in appearance. I rely on the man in my life to validate that I am pretty, attractive, etc. This is not just a man thing, I rely on ALL the people in my life to do this for me. It’s not a fair request, I should feel pretty all on my lonesome, but it’s definitely something I’ve struggled with my whole life (but at least I’m aware of it, so I think it matters that I’m working on it).

    I need specifics – how do you convey confidence, especially if you are lacking it? Because I can see that it can be annoying for a guy for it to be his job to validate me and make me feel pretty. You know? I don’t ever want to let on that I’m pretty insecure about whatever it is that day – my body, my skin, my ass, whatever. You know? For the record – I am not, nor will I ever be, the girl who says “Do I look fat today?” I think if I think I look fat, I should change clothes, or go on a diet. LOL. But, I do want to hear “You are pretty.” “You look nice.” “Wow, that’s a sexy outfit.” I need that. I crave it. And it helps keep me happy in a relationship. Is that a bad thing? How do I communicate that I need that – without looking insecure and annoying?

    Need your infinite wisdom…

    • USG permalink
      October 13, 2010 8:43 am

      Cat,

      haha, only you can make a dark man blush.

      You are definitely VERY smart, pretty, attractive etc., I know you didn’t need to hear it from me but there ya go. 🙂

      It isn’t easy for either gender to exude confidence on a consistent basis, especially when it comes to things that we can’t really change about our bodies. I mean, I’m 5’6″ and that was almost a deal-breaker even before we exchanged a sentence with each other. Obviously I don’t see myself growing anytime soon nor do I really feel that I’m short. My height has never ever bothered me personally but I recognize that other guys may have issues with their height and many girls may only want to date tall dudes. I’m totally and unexpectedly fine with that. That’s something I really have no control over so I don’t worry about it. The only purpose of this rambling passage is to make the point that everyone has self-image issues to some degree, sometimes they just aren’t what you’d expect. For me, I’d say I’m 1000% times more worried about my occasional stutter than my height. I actually laugh when people (not you, lol) fail to see the irony in casting someone aside who meets like 90% of the crucial criteria for relationship compatibility because of a pretty unimportant last 10%. However, the fact is that both men and women do this all the time, while still saying they want someone to grow old with…as if it would matter in 40+ years whether their partner wasn’t physically 100% to their specifications.

      Sorry for the tangent, now on to your question. Cat, I think that confidence is much more important at the beginning of the relationship. I wasn’t really kidding about that “Gilmore Girls” part of blog post, even though it was light-hearted. There is a time towards the beginning of the courting period to just try and avoid the super insecure intimations. Therefore, it isn’t so much me saying do these things to show that you are confident but more, don’t do these “other” things to show your insecurity early in a relationship. Ideally, one would just become more confident in themselves as they became more comfortable with that person. I think that is one of the pillars of intimacy. I’m not saying that a BF is going to profoundly change something that you’ve dealt with for most of your life, however I do feel that it is very possible for him to improve something in you. That is, the way you view certain things about yourself.

      Specifics: Cat, I know I’ve gone on about how guys don’t communicate so well sometimes. However, stuff like “you look pretty,” “you look hot in that outfit” etc. is stuff that a guy should already do once you have been dating for a while. The best way to communicate that to a guy has everything to do with reinforcement and timing. In order to make this work the guy has to at least say these things sometimes, as the goal here is to not create this from nothing but to increase frequency. What I would say is that when you get those comments from him, you respond with “Thank you..I really love when you tell me that.” It is up to you how much subtlety you want to use but over time that should be sufficient. It is basically just operant conditioning and positive reinforcement. This is why the timing is important. When he does say it, you follow with “Thank you…that makes me feel special.” whatever…something like that. If that doesn’t work over time, eh…you might have to follow Crystal’s lead and just find better dudes. 🙂

      • October 14, 2010 1:23 pm

        The compliments thing is a tough one. I feel really good about myself until you add another person into the mix. I am not what the world is telling me men want physically in a partner and because of that I need my guy to let me know that I am what he wants. Or that he does think I’m sexy or that he doesn’t care what I look like because of my sense of humor and amazing sexual prowess.

        The thing is we’re all getting uglier and fatter — it’s called aging. And I know that the more familiar you are with a person the less it matters how you look. But I need reminders.

        I actually had to make a deal with a boyfriend once (the one who was late for everything and sucked at compliments). The deal was, when I felt like I needed a compliment I would ask for it. But I didn’t feel good coming right out and saying, “Tell me something nice about myself that you like about me and it has to be specific. Generic stuff like, you’re pretty and you’re hot are not gonna cut it.”

        So, instead, I abbreviated it and said, “Tell me something.” I made sure he knew what it meant and that worked well for us.

        But in a later relationship, the guy was stubborn about it and even though I told him what I meant by “Tell me something.” He would respond with crap like, “I’m hungry,” or “the atomic weight of lead is 82.” I found that very disrespectful. If a person is honest about what they need from you as a partner and you are capable of giving it to them but refuse then I think you probably aren’t mature enough to be in a successful relationship.

        And with the fella that was always late — I started telling him that things started an hour or a half and hour earlier than they really did. Or just going to the events on my own. That worked out pretty well.

      • October 17, 2010 2:40 pm

        I think this is good advice regarding reinforcement. I need to remember that. Because sometimes I do the exact opposite -I want a guy to tell me I’m pretty, etc., but then I don’t do the best job taking the compliment when it’s given! I shrug it off or act weird…. as though I don’t believe it. So I need to do my part too, of adequately saying thank you.

        Appreciate the advice USG!

  5. October 12, 2010 11:36 am

    Whatever, dude. I’m offended that you broke the man-code, and then had the audacity to disgrace yourself with a blatant lie….

    Josh Hartnett? Dude.

    I mean, duuuuude. You know Josh Duhamel is the hot one. You lying bastard.

    • USG permalink
      October 12, 2010 9:52 pm

      I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. Touche’

  6. Cinderelle permalink
    October 12, 2010 11:44 am

    Welcome to the club:)
    We all are ugly duckings until we´re told we are turning into graceful swans, no matter how many beauty pagent we won at the age of five, I guess. Part of the problem, at least for me, lies in that secret wish ” I want to be Miss Universe in his eyes”. Every single boyfriend I had told me I was the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. None of them lived on the Robinson Crusoe´s island, so I presume they have met around 500 000 women during their lifetime. Liars.:)
    But my current boyfriend not only says it, he even behaves like he believes it and for the first time in my life, I strangely believe him too:)
    In comparison with my girlfriends, who often get that “I want you to have Angelina´s lips and Gisele´s body, tomorrow” crap, I feel kind of lucky. I think we all need that magic mirror of the others heart, and I am deeply convinced it IS kind of incurable disease of the female kind. Yes, I wanna hear stuff like “You are soooooo much prettier and sexier than Blake Lively” (direct quote from yesterday while I was commenting on how stunning look Serena and Blair in Gossip Girl)

    P.S. No, he´s not blind.

    • October 17, 2010 2:32 pm

      Cinderelle: Your current boyfriend sounds amazing! I’m so happy you have someont that makes you feel desired and beautiful. That’s such an important part of a relationship.
      And if it is an incurable disease of the female kind… men just need to realize this and act accordingly. Just like we know men think with their penises sometimes… and we act accordingly. 🙂

  7. October 12, 2010 12:46 pm

    Oh, I also would be remiss if I didn’t mention … USG – I am still pissed that you ruined my dating streak. Until USG, I had always secured a second date. I had never had just a first date and it just be that. Not that my dating career has been that long, and this is any kind of accomplishment, but I was proud of the record. USG said we should do it again, and then we never scheduled it, and we fell into the “friend zone,” things got serious with Chef, and he said, “Let’s just be friends.”

    Booo. Now I can’t say I’ve always secured a second date…

  8. October 12, 2010 1:10 pm

    Oh for real… could we go back to the days where my grandparents came from?

    During the War my grandpa was going to cross the river to avoid approaching enemies… his lady was contemplating crossing the river, as well. he said if you marry me i’ll carry you across the river. she said no but eventually relented and allowed him to carry her across the river.

    after the war, they were married.

    how easy was that?! 55 years later: 9 children, 24 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren-they’re still together!

    • USG permalink
      October 12, 2010 9:54 pm

      That’s just freakin’ awesome story!

  9. USG permalink
    October 12, 2010 1:22 pm

    First off, I love the comments and will definitely be responding to them all when I get home from work. Unfortunately that may not be till later tonight.

    My smartphone seems to only let me reply to the most recent one, how appropriate that it would be one of Cat’s :). Hey, I told you we could call it a second date and then you could dump my ass over dessert. We even went as far as to set up a scenario! (I think I was cheating on you with your entire family.) For the record, that option is still on the table.

    I’m sure that Cat wouldn’t want me to get into it too much but it is true, things got serious with Chef. Friends made more sense. And we actually are friends, which is rad. I think it can be tough to go from dating to actual friends once the process is moved too far along. I’m sure Cat would admit that it is proving to be the right decision. However, the offer to dump me is still there! Hopefully there will be a glass of water to the face. My only terms are that you scream “I don’t care if my sister, cousin, and co-workers all said you were by far the best they’ve ever had, you are still an asshole!”, on the way out of the restaurant.

    Deal?

  10. October 12, 2010 2:18 pm

    You’re right, we do have a desire to please. I always thought I was just a “nice guy” (although stating as much is a no-no in Catherine’s book, lol), but maybe we’re genetically programmed that way. Having a road map definitely helps us out and that, in turn, helps the woman out.

    I’m not a rap fan at all, but those lyrics are pretty damn clever, by the way.

    • USG permalink
      October 12, 2010 10:01 pm

      You speak the truth, Mark!

      Here is a link to the song. I really do feel like it should be required listening for all guys. It may help us not do dumb things as often…or at least not do the same dumb thing as often.

      (It is a rap song, so expect foul language)

  11. Millie Turner (Mom) permalink
    October 12, 2010 8:11 pm

    USG, I have another daughter thatis somewhatsingle (New Blog Name)
    You sound like a nice guy to me ;)thanks for the guest blog great job..

  12. USG permalink
    October 12, 2010 10:13 pm

    Haha! Thanks! I think it is awesome that you are so engaged in and supportive of, what Cat’s doing. That’s really cool

    Great blog name btw… do I really want to know what “somewhatsingle” means? Hmm, I should be careful or else I fear Cat may end up changing my alias to Unimpressive Homewrecker Guy. 🙂

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