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Simply Solo Spotlight: Sexting – My (Not So) Guilty Pleasure

October 26, 2010

Happy Tuesday all, it’s time for a Simply Solo Spotlight! Today’s guest blog post is written by Crystal from Crystal Spins. I have a ridiculous blog crush on Crystal. Her writing is fresh and engaging, and as I’ve been getting to know her the past couple of months, I’ve learned that she’s an awesome person. When Crystal mentioned she’d like to write a guest post for Simply Solo, I can’t tell you how excited I was. When she mentioned it was about sexting, well, my excitement level jumped about five notches. I’m new to the dating world, and certainly new to sexting, so Crystal’s advice is invaluable. I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at:

Woman holding cell phone, sextingSexting – My (Not So) Guilty Pleasure

Last night I was a bad girl. I sent dirty text messages to a man. Actually, five men.

That’s right, I’m a sext whore.

What can I say? I love the attention, the thrill, the instant gratification – and the fact that I don’t actually have to have sex or do something physical to get really sexy.

And I’m learning that I need a lot of sexy to get through a week. Especially weeks like those I’ve been having lately. And even if my apartment isn’t clean enough for company (it usually isn’t) or if I’m too tired for the whole “enchilada” (I usually am), a little sexting can serve as a great stress-reliever. Really, it’ll perk you right up. Plus, it may be the safest sex there is.

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, “What kind of girl sexts five men in one night?” Well, the simple answer is: A sexy girl.

But, beyond that (as the result of a spiritual and sexual awakening of sorts that you can read about on my blog), I am also currently a very sexually experimental girl. And sexting has been a great addition to the experimenting process.

Despite more than a decade of sexual experiences that were mostly about fear or compliance and swathed in guilt, I have been actively trying to explore my (newly guilt-free) sexuality over the last few years.

And I just have to say, sex without guilt is really the only way to do it. Oh, without guilt and with a condom. No need to be unsafe just because you’re suddenly sexually unfettered, right?

Soon after I abandoned the idea that any kind of mutually-consensual sex was a “sin,” I started a long-distance flirtation with a very sexy man. Mr. Long-Distance was voracious. He was exciting, experimental and very sexually open. He was incredibly different from the conflicted Christian men of my past who wanted sex but felt the need to be secretive and shameful about it. And Mr. Long-Distance’s attitudes (and the fact that he lived a thousand miles away) opened my eyes to a lot of new sexual options, including, phone sex, IM sex and even text sex!

When it started, I think he was straightforward and just asked me if I had ever sent sexy texts. I said no, and let him know that I was a little nervous about the idea. But I was really into him. So, even though I was scared, I told him I was game for some sexy texty.

And the games began …

That first night, he did most of the work. And, wow … did he ever get my phone hot! An entire sexual drama unfolded in my hand and afterward, I felt AMAZING. I was hooked instantly. He and I soon started a committed long-distance relationship that kept my phone off the hook and the sext messages coming in.

I was amazed by how much effort and imagination Mr. Long-Distance put into the whole thing and he inspired me to start being imaginative and adventurous myself. I quickly realized this was a really safe way for me to explore my newfound, guilt-free sexuality.

And, did I mention it was fun and exciting as hell?

I could try kinky new things, explore sexual scenarios and be incredibly attractive to another person without ever having put myself in the vulnerable position of getting naked! Of course there were other things I didn’t have to worry about either, like gagging during oral and my profound lack of balance when distracted … among other things.

Sexting is like Sex: Some of the Same Rules Applywoman with cell phone, sexting, texting

Well there have been several other sext buddies since Mr. Long-Distance, but one thing remains the same: I love sexy texting. I’ve had to develop some rules about it of course – especially when it comes to dating. It’s a lot like traditional, in-person sexy stuff.

All of the old standards apply. If you wouldn’t have sex with a married man, you shouldn’t sext him. If you’re afraid he won’t respect you in the morning, don’t sext him. If you’re exclusive with someone sexting someone else is cheating. If you go too far with a guy too fast, he’s probably only going to want you for the sexty stuff and not for a relationship.

But, if you’re like me, you can use that last bit of info to your advantage. I have purposely ramped up the sexy texting with a guy in order to get him out of the relationship zone and into the sexy texting zone (or even the “call in case of sexual emergency” zone). In fact, come to think of it, I’m always the one who initiates the sex texts. Hummm … I wonder if that means anything …

Don’t Be a Sext Tease

You have to be sure that you can back up your texts. Fellas don’t like it if you send them a sexy suggestion and then, when they’re game to follow-through, you chicken out. And, to be honest, it’s not really fair. Personally, I’ve had a guy talk about all the nasty things he wanted to do to me and then when I said, “So can you come over?” He said, “Not tonight.”

Really? So freaking frustrating.

You really should make it as clear as possible whether follow-through is an option. Or let them know that you just want some sexy talk. If they agree, then that’s the deal.

Also, if all you want is the sexy talk and none of the sexy action, it might be a good idea to stick with guys who can’t come right over. In such cases, an out-of-town sext buddy is a good plan (one of my sext buddies was recently in Yemen). And don’t we all have long-distance friends of the opposite sex from college or high school with whom we have a bit of sexual energy?

Explore that energy. Who knows, you might get a weekend special out of your next reunion.

Sext Foreplay

sexting, woman using cell phone, textingOf course, if you DO want him to follow through, sexting is a great way to let him know and lure him in. A little bit of PG-13 banter in the vein of, “Have you ever thought of what it might be like if we …” can get things started really fast – or help you gauge whether things will ever go anywhere. The truth is, some guys really are clueless. That means coy little hints won’t work. But a blunt message about where you want him to put his mouth? Well, that might just do the trick.

Of course for us ladies it’s not all that hard to get sex if we want it, and getting something “relationshipier” is what a lot of ladies are really hoping for. Well, sexting can be good for that too. But it is a different style of sexting. It is coyer, simpler and mostly just suggestive; I like to call it flirt sexting.

When I’m flirt sexting, I usually tone things down quite a bit. Instead of texting explicit things like “I wanna suck your …” or “I want you to put your fingers in my …” I’ll allude to sexy things that I like “a guy” to do to me. Or ask a guy what he likes “a girl” to do to him. Start where you would start in real life – with kissing. “What do you think makes a person a great kisser?” And then … well, go from there. If the other person is into it, it should ramp up rather naturally.

Questions like, “Where’s the most exciting place you’ve had sex?” or “What’s something you’d like to try that you’ve never had the chance to?” can open up some great conversations and they are way easier to text than they are to say to someone’s face. You can even probe into someone’s fantasies enough to know if you’d like to be a part of them or not. If you’re not into choking, for example, via text might be a good way to find out that he is.

I’m just saying.

Game on? Or is the game on?

For the sake of your ego, it’s also a good idea to be sure the other person can talk for a while and not to enter into a sext conversation if the other person isn’t being highly responsive. (For example, I tried to talk about sexy rendezvous locations with a guy last night while he was watching football. That was really frustrating and disheartening – especially since I wanted to rendezvous with him and suck his … well, let’s just say not responding to me was his loss.)

Photo Sexting

If we’re talking rules, I always warn everyone about photo sexting. First of all, to all you guys, a picture of your little fella should not be the first sext you send. That is moving way too fast!

And it’s garish – rude even.

And a lot of women will think it’s gross.

Here’s a little secret: We don’t all like the way those look the way that you guys like looking at breasts. We appreciate the phallus far more for its functionality than for its aesthetic.

Also, most women will find you asking her for a photo of her body parts to be pretty unbecoming (read the opposite of a turn-on). If she likes you and is getting really into the sexty she may send one unprompted. But the truth is, with most ladies you are just going to have to use your imagination. And hope that things lead to a situation that allows you to see her naughty bits in person.

And, if you play nice, you may unexpectedly get a V shot sent to you in the middle of the afternoon. Not that I’ve ever done that for a guy … while I knew he was in a morning meeting … in an effort to entice him to meet me for “lunch.”

That would just be tacky.

Anyway, if you do decide to send photos, it’s best to pick a single body part at a time – no matter how much you trust the person DO NOT include your face in a sexy photo. Who knows, you may want to run for president someday. And once you’ve sent a photo out, it can go almost everywhere.

So, choose a non-identifying part of your body. And think close ups – cellie screens are really small. And don’t just go for the big money shots. Ladies – a belly button or a pair of legs can be very sexy. And fellas – a hairy chest or a photo of a strong back can turn some ladies on more than your little monster.

And remember, the other person can keep that photo forever. So make sure it’s a flattering one – I mean, um … make sure it isn’t an embarrassing one.

In general, do and say what makes you feel sexy and it should be really fun. As with most things, knowing yourself and being honest is the ultimate key. And, if you don’t know what makes you feel sexy, sexting is a great way to try some things out.

I have taken relationships from friend to lover and even from friend to boyfriend with the help of some simple sexting. In general, sexting is a great way to dip your foot in the water of a sexual relationship without having to unwrap a condom. Slippery little suckers.

So sext away! And feel free to ask me any questions – or tell me your sext stories!

49 Comments leave one →
  1. October 26, 2010 9:04 am

    Wonderful, liberating piece. I love the style; made me Smile, Axx

  2. October 26, 2010 10:33 am

    I just want to start out the comments with a BIG thank you to Catherine. She is such a luminous person and I have a huge blog crush on her too!

    Thank you Catherine for the opportunity. I hope your readers like it! And thanks to all of you who read Catherine’s blog and keep her writing…oh and for reading my little love letter to sexting!


    • October 26, 2010 11:23 am

      No problem! I’m so happy you wrote this. I certainly needed the tips :). I’ve already gotten some texts from my friends (who lurk and don’t comment) about how much they enjoyed it.

      My favorite part:
      Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, “What kind of girl sexts five men in one night?” Well, the simple answer is: A sexy girl.

      Too funny! A very sexy girl indeed.

      And the section about Game on or Is the game on? is so true. There’s nothing worse than texting, trying to get flirty and maybe sexting, with a guy who is just not that into it because he’s watching a game, busy at work, hanging out with friends or just not feeling it. How demoralizing!

      Thanks for these tips. Can’t wait to put them into action soon…

  3. natasha permalink
    October 26, 2010 11:27 am

    Thanks for the tips! Its awesome that you are so liberated in your sexting! 🙂

  4. October 26, 2010 1:35 pm

    I’m not quite as comfortable with sexting, racy emails, pics, etc.

    I just have a fear that one day they will get out there, seen by others beyond the intended recipient. For that reason alone, I’d rather all sexy stuff be limited to in person, face to face interactions.


    • October 26, 2010 1:38 pm

      Well, that is why I encourage people to leave their face out of the photos. I don’t actually send many photos myself. I’m better with the words. I’ve gotten tot he point that I don’t think I care if a guy shows his buddy a dirty text I’ve sent. It’s not like I know that person. And, if I do…well, like I said, I’m a sexy girl. No reason to hide it.

  5. Christina permalink
    October 26, 2010 4:17 pm

    This is great! I think its awesome you’ve been able to enjoy sexting so much, i am a little unsure of myself still. Liked your tips.

    • October 26, 2010 4:31 pm

      Christina, when you say unsure what exactly do you mean? Maybe we can help you overcome that.

      • Christina permalink
        October 26, 2010 4:45 pm

        I just feel a little uncomfortable with saying certain things, I have never even talked dirty with a guy. I’m more shy and let guys take the leed. If a guy were to start sexting me (slow–definitely not penis pics!!!) I might be able to follow his leed,but I do not know if I could start it. Also, how does sexting usually end? How would I know if it’s over and wrapped up? Sorry if that’s a dumb question.

    • October 26, 2010 5:12 pm

      I think I know how you feel. It’s one of those things that might not be right for you. But I would encourage you to try it before you decided something like “I’m just not that kind of girl.” Also it might not be right with a certain partner. Every combination makes different sparks.

      I started out with a guy taking the lead and that was very nice for me. Like I said, what makes you feel sexy? I find that I like to talk about foreplay more than just going straight for the penetration talk — but a lot of guys like to go straight to the idea of doggie style.

      And I have had some guys that went way to far way to fast and I had to be the breaks in the situation. They were making me feel like their porn. There are a lot of other ways for them to get some porn…they don’t need me for that.

      About how it ends it depends on the relationship and how adventurous you feel. It can end with a phone call and a little phone sex or a visit from the person you’ve been talking to so that he/she can show you what they were talking about. Or just a simple “good night.”

      If I’ve been drinking I might just forget to answer. There are a lot of possibilities. It can simply be over when you say you’re done.

  6. Chaka permalink
    October 26, 2010 4:27 pm

    Five guys in one night? Aren’t you afraid you’ll mix up sexts?

    Can I add a couple tips?
    1 – Check spelling! Sexting typos are for stupid hoes. (Ok, “stupid hoes” may be a little strong, but it ryhmed!)
    2 – Be wary of sexting while your texting your mom! This can be dangerous. One wrong flick of the thumb, and you just told your mom you wanted a spanking. AWKWARD.

    Thanks for sharing, Crystal! FUN POST!

    • October 26, 2010 4:37 pm

      Ha ha!

      You’re right, five is kind of a lot. What can I say…I’m a pro. 😉

      Actually, I did have a few moments when I was concerned that I may have sent the wrong sext to someone, but they were all false alarms. And I was talking to all of them about similar things. Beyond that, I find I don’t use people’s names while sexting very often so that cuts down on the possibility for that kind of embarrassment.

      Also, luckily for me, my mother doesn’t know how to text. She’s not too keen on technology.

      I think your additions are good ones — thanks for contributing. Although, personally, sexting is some of the only written correspondence in which typos don’t bother me very much. It’s hard to concentrate on spelling while all the blood is in another part of your body.

  7. Sam permalink
    October 26, 2010 4:49 pm

    This is great. What do you do if you want to sext with your BF, but they aren’t interested? The guy I’m dating says he doesn’t see the point, when he could have the real thing- we live close to eachother. I think it might befun and why not try? Any suggestions?

    • October 26, 2010 5:22 pm

      My next boyfriend had better be down for sexting. And had better be willing to talk about sex even if we aren’t going to be able to have it right that minute. There is a lot more to sex and sexuality than just the simple physical act.

      On that note, it is my opinion that sexting is a great addition to an already active sexual partnership.

      Even if you live in the same town there will be times when you can’t have the real thing because you’re separated. Like he’s at work in a meeting and you can’t stop thinking about how it feels when he throws you up against a wall and kisses you. Tell him.

      Or you’re having dinner with your parents but he can’t be there. What a fun little secret conversation to use as foreplay for your next rendezvous.

      Pay attention guys: telling a woman how you feel about her is the sexual equivalent of a woman putting her hand down the front of your pants. This is the kind of stuff that turns us on. And the sooner in the day you light the fire the hotter the stove will be when you get home.

      Tell your lady when you’re thinking about her. You will be rewarded, I assure you.

  8. Mr. Long-Distance permalink
    October 26, 2010 5:50 pm

    Ms. H.

    You make me blush. =/ Maybe I should start my own “get started with sexting” service…

    • October 26, 2010 6:34 pm

      You’re definitely the best I’ve ever had via text. (Hence the embarrassing contact after we broke up). You certainly have a lot you could teach the average man about sexting and phone sex. If I had money I’d invest in that venture.

    • October 27, 2010 10:46 am

      Mr. Long Distance, I should probably also confess that this was post a bit of a “thank you” from me to you. I learned a lot from out short-lived relationship. This is part of it. And there are several things on my wish list for a significant other that were inspired by who you are — including a voracious sexual appetite.

  9. October 26, 2010 5:54 pm

    Fantastic post, my friend! I too am a power sexter (We should sext sometime, it might be fun). I have played with 3 guys at the same time, but usually I get focused on one and forget about the others.

    Unicorn and I do a GREAT job of sexting. It is sooo much fun and it makes me all warm and swoony. Plus its quite the build up for when we are together.

    Thank god for unlimited texting plans!

    • October 26, 2010 6:36 pm

      I usually get focused on one fella at a time myself. I’m glad your current fella can heat up your cellular — it’s an important trait for a significant other to be sure. And the build up is so important if only the average man understood.

      I just went unlimited a few months ago. It’s high times in Crystaltextland.

  10. Jacqui permalink
    October 26, 2010 7:27 pm

    Wow! This just keeps getting better and better!!! Crystal! I never thought about sexting before! I mean, sometimes when I’m in the bedroom on my laptop and my husband is in the living room on the other computer, I’ll I.M. him a message; which usually finds him off his computer and next to me within a few seconds…but now I have something new to try out! It’s going to be so much fun!!! (For BOTH of us!) Thanks! And your tips are clear and easy to follow – I feel brave enough to step up and give it a try!

    You Both Rock! Thanks Catherine and Crystal for your wonderful food for thought and for bringing another blog to light for me to visit from time to time!

    • October 26, 2010 7:35 pm

      Oh…Jim isn’t going to know what hit him. See, technology can help keep things nice and spicy! Of course you’re already one of the spiciest women I know, so this could get dangerous.

  11. October 26, 2010 10:18 pm

    From a guy’s perspective, I second your tip that a belly button or a pair of legs can be a real turn-on. Or feet. Not that I have a foot fetish or anything. Much. True, a V-pic is sort of the Holy Grail that we all aspire to receive, but you might be surprised to learn that a lot of guys prefer slowly working up to that. It’s kind of like you saying it’s rude to lead off with a penis shot – so true. Let’s focus on some foreplay first!

    • October 27, 2010 10:37 am

      I guess that doesn’t “surprise” me. But I would never send one out of the blue anyway. Not that I have ever sent one. 😉

  12. October 27, 2010 10:38 am

    Where’s my Dennis? I’m dying to know what he thought of this post!

    • October 30, 2010 3:43 pm

      I talked to Dennis on Facebook, he said he’s been really busy this week 😦 I told he needs to comment on his blog-wife’s post 🙂

  13. October 28, 2010 12:49 am

    I will be honest, I had a friend who tried to get me into this and I was lost. I kept thinking that this was the first time I felt too old for something.

    “Sexting?! Isn’t that for the high school kids?”

    It actually turned out to be pretty fun but I was sort of lost on the rules and my part. I’d be ashamed if I didn’t enjoy myself so much in the actual bedroom. This post gave me some invaluable information for future endeavors however.

    • October 28, 2010 12:35 pm

      I’m sure you’ll do great. I took a good look at your blog…you’re great with words and that is a major turn on.

  14. 2 New Beginnings permalink
    October 28, 2010 8:32 am

    Girl, you are so right on! Sexting is amazing! If you haven’t tried it, you are missing out. Sexting is especially great when you are in a long distance relationship, you can talk about what you want to do when you see each other. Sure you can Skype, but there is something about being able to say things that you normally wouldn’t feel comfortable saying in person. It brings you out of your shell and you really get to see how wild the other person can be.

    Give it a shot! Enjoy!

    • October 30, 2010 3:36 pm

      2 New Beginnings – if there were infocommercials for sexting, this comment would be a perfect testimonial. “Listen to real people talk about how much they enjoy sexting…” haha 🙂

  15. October 28, 2010 9:44 am

    Aaah, another fantastic guest post! This one got me in trouble, though–I’ll send you all the details of my sexting fiasco via e-mail 🙂

    Next guest post? Recipes from Chef, please!

    • October 28, 2010 12:36 pm

      Oooo…I wanna know about your trouble! Is Catherine allowed to tell me what happened too? 😉

      • October 28, 2010 5:11 pm

        Oh yes, Crystal, you got me into this trouble and you can certainly read about it! haha I’ll email you both to the email addresses on your blogs!

    • October 28, 2010 1:11 pm

      Haha, Maggie. I can’t wait to hear more!
      I’ll talk to Chef re the recipes. LOL, funny idea! 🙂

  16. October 29, 2010 1:28 am

    Absolutely loved this post 🙂

  17. October 30, 2010 2:04 am

    Okay, I did it. I started my own dating blog, and I posted about my sexting fiasco! Thanks, Catherine and Crystal, for the inspiration and the trouble I got into!

    Read all about the dirty details at:

    • October 30, 2010 3:35 pm

      Wow, congrats Maggie! Just checked it out, like it already. Good luck with it – so liberating!

  18. October 31, 2010 7:23 pm

    How on Earth do u get FIVE WHOLE men to text?? You’re so lucky my little cupcake. Please share your secrets.

    butterfly kisses

    • October 31, 2010 9:53 pm

      Hey Rubes…thanks for reading. How did I get five whole men to sext in one night? Well, like any large feat, I worked my way up to it — although it certainly wasn’t a goal or anything.

      I find (and I know this is a blessing and a curse)that there are always plenty of men who are interested in getting sexy with me. Not intoi a relationship — just getting sexy. (I think it might be my huge, magnificent…eh, eyes.)

      In the past i have rarely been receptive to all of them. Lately I’ve been more receptive. Several of them are ex boyfriends or friends who don’t live in town. So I guess I would say, throw out a bigger net over a braoader area and you’ll catch more fish.

      I haven’t had sex with all of those men and I will probably never have sex with most of them. Just sext.

  19. January 17, 2011 1:21 pm

    I have such a girl crush on you. I want to spend a week reading everything you write. Wowzies. 🙂

    • February 3, 2011 2:54 pm

      Oh Jenni…please do!

      • February 3, 2011 4:19 pm

        It’s too divine. You are brilliant. On a day when my roommate bagged my crush… I can’t thank you enough for providing me with something to make me laugh!

  20. carol permalink
    September 7, 2011 6:05 pm

    I need to know if a man, who has been sexting me, but keeps backing out on meeting me, is just using me or not. I like him and I do sext back, but it’s very frustrating when we make plans to meet at his place and something comes up and he can’t do it. I know the pics of him on FB are really him. We went to high school together and I know he isn’t married.

    • September 10, 2011 1:42 pm

      There’s no way to know for sure, but it seems to me you deserve someone that will be responsive to you. Why waste your time with someone like that? I bet you won’t have any trouble finding someone with follow through 🙂

  21. Miss. Fancy permalink
    November 5, 2011 1:39 pm

    I’m in a long distance relationship and we used to sext a lot until he found this new job and now its far in berween. I’m very skeptical towards love, and this he knows but I think we may “love” each other. This scared me slightly but not too much until we were sexting and he said it in the middle of “it” and then proceeded to “do” something I didn’t like, I made it clear but he “continued” even after I repeatedly said “stop”. He got upset when I stopped replying and I told him why he said he was just trying to have fun and that he wouldnt “really do it”. should I be worried/scared? Or am I just taking this way too seriously?

    • November 12, 2011 7:37 pm

      Miss Fancy,
      It depends on what he said. If it was something really appalling…something dangerous or concerning to you… then you need to be on high alert. I would talk openly with him and see if it’s something he really wants to do. If it is something that truly scares you, and you think he really meant it, do not put yourself in a bad situation. I hope that helps. It’s just hard to give advice when I’m not quite sure what happened. Take care of yourself, and ALWAYS trust your instincts.

  22. January 1, 2012 6:36 pm

    I decided to read this post because a sexual topic interested me. I haven’t been “In the mood” for the past few months (mostly because of a new birth control and my chronic depression). I have wanted to revive what is missing in the bedroom. I think this is a great start! It will be silly, and I’m not sure how it will turn out. I just hope the worst doesn’t happen: I start texting him at work, and when he gets home I don’t feel like doing anything physically. That wouldn’t be fair to him. And once I started reading your blog, I read it all.. right down to the comments! All of them 🙂 I’m not sure if this is something I will plan out immediately, work has me crashing in bed as soon as I get home currently, half the time I am even to tired to change my clothes.
    Sorry to post all of my ‘sexual frustration’ here…Oops. You just seem to know what you are talking about! And like I said, this just may be the ‘spark’ I need to get things rolling again.


  1. Awww shucks… | Another beautiful day in chaos…

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