Simply Solo Spotlight: Sexting – My (Not So) Guilty Pleasure
Happy Tuesday all, it’s time for a Simply Solo Spotlight! Today’s guest blog post is written by Crystal from Crystal Spins. I have a ridiculous blog crush on Crystal. Her writing is fresh and engaging, and as I’ve been getting to know her the past couple of months, I’ve learned that she’s an awesome person. When Crystal mentioned she’d like to write a guest post for Simply Solo, I can’t tell you how excited I was. When she mentioned it was about sexting, well, my excitement level jumped about five notches. I’m new to the dating world, and certainly new to sexting, so Crystal’s advice is invaluable. I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Last night I was a bad girl. I sent dirty text messages to a man. Actually, five men.
What can I say? I love the attention, the thrill, the instant gratification – and the fact that I don’t actually have to have sex or do something physical to get really sexy.
And I’m learning that I need a lot of sexy to get through a week. Especially weeks like those I’ve been having lately. And even if my apartment isn’t clean enough for company (it usually isn’t) or if I’m too tired for the whole “enchilada” (I usually am), a little sexting can serve as a great stress-reliever. Really, it’ll perk you right up. Plus, it may be the safest sex there is.
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, “What kind of girl sexts five men in one night?” Well, the simple answer is: A sexy girl.
But, beyond that (as the result of a spiritual and sexual awakening of sorts that you can read about on my blog), I am also currently a very sexually experimental girl. And sexting has been a great addition to the experimenting process.
Despite more than a decade of sexual experiences that were mostly about fear or compliance and swathed in guilt, I have been actively trying to explore my (newly guilt-free) sexuality over the last few years.
And I just have to say, sex without guilt is really the only way to do it. Oh, without guilt and with a condom. No need to be unsafe just because you’re suddenly sexually unfettered, right?
Soon after I abandoned the idea that any kind of mutually-consensual sex was a “sin,” I started a long-distance flirtation with a very sexy man. Mr. Long-Distance was voracious. He was exciting, experimental and very sexually open. He was incredibly different from the conflicted Christian men of my past who wanted sex but felt the need to be secretive and shameful about it. And Mr. Long-Distance’s attitudes (and the fact that he lived a thousand miles away) opened my eyes to a lot of new sexual options, including, phone sex, IM sex and even text sex!
When it started, I think he was straightforward and just asked me if I had ever sent sexy texts. I said no, and let him know that I was a little nervous about the idea. But I was really into him. So, even though I was scared, I told him I was game for some sexy texty.
And the games began …
That first night, he did most of the work. And, wow … did he ever get my phone hot! An entire sexual drama unfolded in my hand and afterward, I felt AMAZING. I was hooked instantly. He and I soon started a committed long-distance relationship that kept my phone off the hook and the sext messages coming in.
I was amazed by how much effort and imagination Mr. Long-Distance put into the whole thing and he inspired me to start being imaginative and adventurous myself. I quickly realized this was a really safe way for me to explore my newfound, guilt-free sexuality.
And, did I mention it was fun and exciting as hell?
I could try kinky new things, explore sexual scenarios and be incredibly attractive to another person without ever having put myself in the vulnerable position of getting naked! Of course there were other things I didn’t have to worry about either, like gagging during oral and my profound lack of balance when distracted … among other things.
Well there have been several other sext buddies since Mr. Long-Distance, but one thing remains the same: I love sexy texting. I’ve had to develop some rules about it of course – especially when it comes to dating. It’s a lot like traditional, in-person sexy stuff.
All of the old standards apply. If you wouldn’t have sex with a married man, you shouldn’t sext him. If you’re afraid he won’t respect you in the morning, don’t sext him. If you’re exclusive with someone sexting someone else is cheating. If you go too far with a guy too fast, he’s probably only going to want you for the sexty stuff and not for a relationship.
But, if you’re like me, you can use that last bit of info to your advantage. I have purposely ramped up the sexy texting with a guy in order to get him out of the relationship zone and into the sexy texting zone (or even the “call in case of sexual emergency” zone). In fact, come to think of it, I’m always the one who initiates the sex texts. Hummm … I wonder if that means anything …
Don’t Be a Sext Tease
You have to be sure that you can back up your texts. Fellas don’t like it if you send them a sexy suggestion and then, when they’re game to follow-through, you chicken out. And, to be honest, it’s not really fair. Personally, I’ve had a guy talk about all the nasty things he wanted to do to me and then when I said, “So can you come over?” He said, “Not tonight.”
Really? So freaking frustrating.
You really should make it as clear as possible whether follow-through is an option. Or let them know that you just want some sexy talk. If they agree, then that’s the deal.
Also, if all you want is the sexy talk and none of the sexy action, it might be a good idea to stick with guys who can’t come right over. In such cases, an out-of-town sext buddy is a good plan (one of my sext buddies was recently in Yemen). And don’t we all have long-distance friends of the opposite sex from college or high school with whom we have a bit of sexual energy?
Explore that energy. Who knows, you might get a weekend special out of your next reunion.
Of course, if you DO want him to follow through, sexting is a great way to let him know and lure him in. A little bit of PG-13 banter in the vein of, “Have you ever thought of what it might be like if we …” can get things started really fast – or help you gauge whether things will ever go anywhere. The truth is, some guys really are clueless. That means coy little hints won’t work. But a blunt message about where you want him to put his mouth? Well, that might just do the trick.
Of course for us ladies it’s not all that hard to get sex if we want it, and getting something “relationshipier” is what a lot of ladies are really hoping for. Well, sexting can be good for that too. But it is a different style of sexting. It is coyer, simpler and mostly just suggestive; I like to call it flirt sexting.
When I’m flirt sexting, I usually tone things down quite a bit. Instead of texting explicit things like “I wanna suck your …” or “I want you to put your fingers in my …” I’ll allude to sexy things that I like “a guy” to do to me. Or ask a guy what he likes “a girl” to do to him. Start where you would start in real life – with kissing. “What do you think makes a person a great kisser?” And then … well, go from there. If the other person is into it, it should ramp up rather naturally.
Questions like, “Where’s the most exciting place you’ve had sex?” or “What’s something you’d like to try that you’ve never had the chance to?” can open up some great conversations and they are way easier to text than they are to say to someone’s face. You can even probe into someone’s fantasies enough to know if you’d like to be a part of them or not. If you’re not into choking, for example, via text might be a good way to find out that he is.
I’m just saying.
Game on? Or is the game on?
For the sake of your ego, it’s also a good idea to be sure the other person can talk for a while and not to enter into a sext conversation if the other person isn’t being highly responsive. (For example, I tried to talk about sexy rendezvous locations with a guy last night while he was watching football. That was really frustrating and disheartening – especially since I wanted to rendezvous with him and suck his … well, let’s just say not responding to me was his loss.)
If we’re talking rules, I always warn everyone about photo sexting. First of all, to all you guys, a picture of your little fella should not be the first sext you send. That is moving way too fast!
And it’s garish – rude even.
And a lot of women will think it’s gross.
Here’s a little secret: We don’t all like the way those look the way that you guys like looking at breasts. We appreciate the phallus far more for its functionality than for its aesthetic.
Also, most women will find you asking her for a photo of her body parts to be pretty unbecoming (read the opposite of a turn-on). If she likes you and is getting really into the sexty she may send one unprompted. But the truth is, with most ladies you are just going to have to use your imagination. And hope that things lead to a situation that allows you to see her naughty bits in person.
And, if you play nice, you may unexpectedly get a V shot sent to you in the middle of the afternoon. Not that I’ve ever done that for a guy … while I knew he was in a morning meeting … in an effort to entice him to meet me for “lunch.”
That would just be tacky.
Anyway, if you do decide to send photos, it’s best to pick a single body part at a time – no matter how much you trust the person DO NOT include your face in a sexy photo. Who knows, you may want to run for president someday. And once you’ve sent a photo out, it can go almost everywhere.
So, choose a non-identifying part of your body. And think close ups – cellie screens are really small. And don’t just go for the big money shots. Ladies – a belly button or a pair of legs can be very sexy. And fellas – a hairy chest or a photo of a strong back can turn some ladies on more than your little monster.
And remember, the other person can keep that photo forever. So make sure it’s a flattering one – I mean, um … make sure it isn’t an embarrassing one.
In general, do and say what makes you feel sexy and it should be really fun. As with most things, knowing yourself and being honest is the ultimate key. And, if you don’t know what makes you feel sexy, sexting is a great way to try some things out.
I have taken relationships from friend to lover and even from friend to boyfriend with the help of some simple sexting. In general, sexting is a great way to dip your foot in the water of a sexual relationship without having to unwrap a condom. Slippery little suckers.
So sext away! And feel free to ask me any questions – or tell me your sext stories!