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Simply Solo Spotlight: The Better Way to Handle a Break-Up

November 2, 2010

Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight comes from Danielle over at sixty-one inches of insight. This post is a perfect example of why I’m so excited to be featuring guest bloggers on Simply Solo. Her perspective on the best way to handle a breakup is so different from anything I could offer, because I simply don’t have the life experience Danielle has had. If you are someone who is going through a breakup and are unsure of how to best carry yourself, please read Danielle’s post below.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

The Better Way to Handle a Break-Up

broken heart in hand

Photo courtesy of Romel

We’ve all been through it. A relationship ends and you have no idea what to do except beg him to change his mind and panic (that is, if the guy is worth it). The sad thing is, if we would just take a step back and evaluate the situation before acting on our emotions, there’s a good chance things may actually work out. I’m not writing this to give false hope to relationships that are doomed for various reasons, whether it be cheating or simply not having feelings anymore. If someone breaks up with you for something like that, you should consider yourself lucky and realize that you dodged a bullet. Now, if they break up with you for any other reason, like a huge life change, overwhelming stress, or something in that category, I think there is a better way to handle the situation and possibly salvage the relationship.

So, what should you do when you’re broken up with? How should you react? Ladies, trust me – backing off and doing your own thing is the best route you can possibly take. Calling, texting, Facebook stalking, crying to him or in front of him, driving by, and whatever else you find yourself doing during break-ups … none of it accomplishes anything, none of it benefits you or the relationship, and it only brings you down. Don’t get me wrong, grieving and crying on your own time is fine, normal, and completely healthy – I’m talking specifically about contacting him and telling him all of the emotional banter about which you should be talking to your friends or your journal instead.

Something I think women need to realize is that all of the begging, crying, and asking him to reconsider is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. If he doesn’t want to be with you, why on earth would you want to be with him? You should be with someone who appreciates what they have when they’re with you and you shouldn’t settle for anything less than awesome. With that said, if you’re begging a dude to take you back or be with you, and he does, how do you know that it wasn’t just a temporary fix to get you to stop bothering him? How do you know it’s what he really wants? The begging/crying/pleading route can end one of two ways: he’ll completely cut you off and ignore you, or he’ll grant your request and get back together with you. The truth is, neither of those results are on his terms, and if he’s back with you because you talked him into it, how do you know if it’s long-term and real?

My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 2 years when he ended things due to stress, confusion, and the decision to go to law school, which would be a major life change for him. I knew he loved me, but he didn’t know how I would fit into the equation and he was quite caught up in his future. Basically, he didn’t want to drag me along into a life about which I wasn’t excited or would make me anything less than 100% happy. I was obviously devastated, but after one post-break-up phone call that didn’t change his mind, I decided to let it be. I knew there was nothing I could say to him that would make a difference. I didn’t want to beg him or have to talk him into being with me. If he wanted to, he would. So I went on with my life. I had fun, went out, met other guys, kept busy, never let him see me cry, never posted depressing Facebook status updates, etc. I simply made a decision to be happy with myself and let it go – because after all, what else could I do besides embarrass myself and/or make things worse for myself?

Six weeks later, he got back in touch with me and explained how much he missed me, how he’d been depressed for the last month, how he was an idiot to let me go, that he loved me more than anything, that he just wanted to be the person to make me happy, and that he didn’t want to go through his future without me being a part of it. Initially, I was caught off-guard and was a little skeptical. How was it possible that he’d changed his mind so drastically? It didn’t take long for me to understand, though. Being away from me and the relationship itself gave him a chance to see what he had, to realize what he wanted and needed, to figure himself out, and most of all, to miss me. Since then, we’ve been back together for eight months (not without a little work on his part though, of course) and I’ve never been happier. Things are back on track, we’ve continued planning our future together and we’ve become stronger people from it. I especially learned from it once I realized just how capable I was of not only being without him but being happy being single.

Remember that as cheesy as it sounds, if you are supposed to be with someone, you will. If it’s supposed to work out, it will. If he loves you, he’ll tell you. Next time you find yourself battling a break-up, simply make the choice to be happy. It’s your life after all, right? You’d be surprised of what you’re capable and how strong you really are. And if things work out, great – but if they don’t, you made a choice to put yourself first and be happy. Win-win situation, if you ask me.


25 Comments leave one →
  1. natasha permalink
    November 2, 2010 8:41 am

    Awesome post! I hope both the female and the MALE readers follow your advice!

  2. duke1959 permalink
    November 2, 2010 8:57 am

    My thing was when I was dating if we broke up then it was over. The reason being that at some point those same issues would come back up again.

    • November 2, 2010 10:54 am

      I think if someone really changes and goes through a life-altering situation, it’s possible for those changes to stick. It’s been 9 months since we’ve been back together and none of the issues have came back up. My guess is, it all depends on the person, how serious the relationship is, what the issues were in the first place, and whether or not the person actually wants to change.

  3. November 2, 2010 11:29 am

    Danielle,

    Thanks again for this guest blog post! I think this is such great advice. I can’t say that I’ve ever fought a break up before (but then again, I don’t have that much experience, considering in the end I broke up with my ex). But I can understand the urge to try and make everything better. The urge to try and convince someone that you love to love you back. But I think you are right – your job is to make yourself happy, first and foremost, and it doesn’t help matters at all to be miserable, try to force him to be with you, Facebook stalk, etc. I think this is a good reminder for anyone out there going through a break up, or the pre break up stages.

    I also appreciate you telling your story. I wish the best for you and your boyfriend now that you’ve reconnected!

    • November 2, 2010 12:30 pm

      Aww thank you!! That’s awesome of you to say. I was glad to do it. I am just getting started with my blog and I’m not really at the point of focusing on a topic just yet, so it was nice to be able to write about this type of thing and have a great outlet for it. 🙂

  4. Just Saying permalink
    November 2, 2010 11:54 am

    Excellent post!
    Just be happy with yourself and move on. Great advice for a lot of women out there who would probably fall into the making him have a talk with you catagory.

    • November 2, 2010 12:08 pm

      Exactly. If he wants to come back, let him figure it out on his own. If he wants to, he’ll do it on his own.

      It’s kind of like that book/movie He’s Just Not That Into You, as cliche as that may sound. But the whole idea of “if he wants to call you, he will”, “if he wants to see you, he’ll find a way”, etc. I believe that wholeheartedly.

  5. November 2, 2010 5:36 pm

    I wish that my ex-girlfriend was as wise in these matters as you are. Instead, she went through the whole begging, crying on the phone, threatening-to-stalk-me phase (yikes!) which, of course, didn’t do a single thing to win me back. Quite the opposite. You are absolutely right – whatever is meant to be, will be.

  6. Christina permalink
    November 2, 2010 9:27 pm

    Wow, great advice. Wish I heard it BEFORE my last break-up 🙂

  7. November 3, 2010 7:22 am

    This is a great post! Whenever I go through a breakup, before I do anything, I always ask myself, “When I look back, will I be embarrassed by what I’m about to do?” Maybe not the best approach, but it works.

  8. November 3, 2010 9:50 am

    Great post and great advice. The only thing is though is that a lot of women (myself included) sometimes the emotions from the break up are so overwhelming that it’s like you black out when you make those begging phone calls, or drive bys, or hacking into his email and freaking out over an email from another girl one day after you break up (not that this has happened to me or anything…. :S). I’ve done so many things right after a break up from the adrenaline rush that I have regretted after and knew that any chance of them ever realizing

  9. November 3, 2010 9:53 am

    (Opps… somehow that posted without finishing it)
    that I may be the one for them was thrown out the window. It definitely takes a strong woman to do what you did 🙂 and I admire that.

  10. japanesemiscellany permalink
    November 3, 2010 7:17 pm

    YES! My father (wise man) always preached this concept to me over and over when I’d go through a break up…and although I knew it was the right way to deal with things it took awhile to take it from a thought in my head to making it into an actual physical practice. I must say since that moment years ago I’ve never felt so strong and empowered… truly realizing my value as a person. It’s all about taking the power back…having control over you’re own destiny and making the conscious CHOICE as you said to be happy. I once heard this in a movie and although the title has left me the quote stayed and reflects how I treat my relationships now (a woman speaking to a man), “I don’t NEED you to live my life. I know we can go our separate ways and I’ll be just fine. I WANT you in my life because each day spent with you is a better one.”

    I’d much rather have the guy regret losing a good woman then remember me in our last encounter as weak or crazy lol

  11. japanesemiscellany permalink
    November 3, 2010 7:25 pm

    An to add one more thing. Thanks to keeping my craziness to a minimum when my X and I broke-up years back I was rewarded by his contacting me later. I then had the great pleasure of telling him “NO THANKYOU”. Haha

  12. December 8, 2011 12:21 am

    If you don’t fight to keep the relationship, then you weren’t into it in the first place – and he/she was right to leave.

  13. meholysmile permalink
    September 6, 2012 3:57 pm

    I have been through a recent break up. I got dumped. Now I’ve decided to heal myself and I’ve already taken my first step by letting “him” go and shutting all ways of communication with him. I’ve already starting a blog, simply to share my mental state after the breakup and my healing procedure. The link is =>

    http://journeythroughlifeblogdotcom.wordpress.com/

    The things that you’ve mentioned above like calling him, texting him and cried to him even begged him, I’ve done each of them. But then I let him go. I’ve found your post extremely correct and “taken directly from life”. Thank you for such a post. It is good to see that I am not alone. 🙂

  14. evelin permalink
    September 23, 2012 7:50 pm

    I wish I had read this post in May of 2011 when my boyfriend dumped me. Although I already knew not having contact with him would be best I couldn’t help myself and I did everything that you said not to do. But, of course he did the opposite, he ignored me and moved on with his life, which only drove me crazy and made me want him more. After all how dare he move on with his life and I still was stuck on the ” I can’t believe I was dumped” stage. Well, just this week I found out he has even had another girlfriend. Of course he will never admit to me and well finding this out sent me on one of my depressive episodes and I had another emotional breakdown in front of him. He said when I act the way I acted it only pushes him away and I just sent us back a few steps. He broke up with me because he said he had to grow up and I was a distraction to him. After the break up he completely distance himself from me. He did what he had to do to move on. What I am finding out is that I also need to move on, but were I run into trouble is me actually trying to tell him I need my space. Because I get tongue tide every time I am around him or hear his voice. So today I have decided to casually remove myself from his life. It is going to be hard because we work together but I will have to find a new job soon to help along the process. I think with my last breakdown he completely gave up on us because he said he didn’t know what to do. He said I would complain because he wouldn’t pay attention to me and now that he did I still complain, so I needed to figure out what I want/need and move forward. I have also decided no more cyber stalking because that’s how I get myself into my depressive episodes. After all if the relationship had any chance of being saved it would have happened by now. I know my journey will not be easy but I am finally ready to begin it on my own.

  15. December 3, 2012 11:13 pm

    This is the most amazing article about breakups I’ve ever read! THANK YOU!! im going through this EXACT situation and i know he still loves me. I just didnt know what to do! I was thinking about going the depressing route, but i know understand that i should focus on me and what I need. Only then will the rest come into focus. SImply amazing.

  16. March 14, 2013 8:19 am

    Great Post Danielle! You really hit points. While I have a lot of opinions on surviving a breakup that are different from this on my own blog. I still learn a lot of things from your post here. Thanks for sharing.

  17. Tracy permalink
    August 2, 2013 9:39 am

    Great post only I wish I read it a few months ago, I did all the things you are not supposed too, and now it’s too late I pushed my ex further away. Hopefully your post will save someone else from losing their self respect! Tracy.

  18. Harley william permalink
    October 23, 2014 9:42 am

    Hey ur story is inspiring…well there ws a guy hu i had been with for two years we had our ups and dwn thn one day he lft town..then he jst went quiet on me eva since,, i tried calling him but he used to cut the fone on me hnstly it really hurts coz i really luved him mre thn anythng and i used to put him first all the tym like he alwys wanted..i jst really need to knw whn im goin to stop actually hurting and nt cry anymre

  19. Cait permalink
    February 16, 2015 3:13 am

    I so needed this. Thanks so much. I’ll probably re-read this post quite frequently for the next couple of weeks. I just got dumped the day before Valentine’s Day. Didn’t see it coming. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. I’m hoping we’ll end up back together but he claims to need more time to think.

  20. laura permalink
    June 11, 2016 4:57 pm

    I got broken up with after 6 years we met when we were 18, now 24 he says he wants to be able to just mess around with any girl when he goes out. We live 1hr and 30 away from eachother so distance was an issue also.
    I don’t know how to get over this I love him so much still, its been almost two months.

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