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Simply Solo Spotlight: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

November 9, 2010

Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s spotlight is Sasha (I love the pseudonym that reminds me of a porn star, by the way). Sasha e-mailed me a while back because she had some great dating stories to share with the world, but no blog of her own to do so. I love her honesty and fresh perspective. Who hasn’t been less-than-honest about why you’ve ended things with a partner? I hope you enjoy the guest post below as much as I did.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: 

BS Breakup lines chart
Chart courtesy of birgerking

 Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I turned to online dating not because I was having trouble meeting men, but because I thought it would help me find a better match after prior relationships failed over fundamental issues. In the past five months, I’ve read countless profiles, answered inane questions, and have gone out with seven guys who I apparently match on 29 personality dimensions. Unfortunately, I have disagreed with what a computer deems to be my soul mate and usually ended things after a date or two. I’ve let them down gently by asking if we could still be friends, saying I was too busy with school, or that the distance between us was too great. However, that’s just what I told them; these are the real reasons I decided not to continue dating them:

  1. The scientist: Your head’s too big (literally), you have a lisp, and you live with your parents. If you had told me you lived at home in one of the countless e-mails, I never would have agreed to meet you.
  2. The accountant: You lied about your height, you negatively labeled everything as “stupid” or “retarded,” I seem smarter than you, and you don’t drink. When you told me what your mother usually ordered at dinner and then looked at me expectantly, I knew it was over before it began.
  3. The engineer: You’re three years younger than me and want to live in Michigan three hours away from the closest town. I don’t do cold weather. Also, you told me you did local stand-up, yet you were remarkably un-funny.
  4. The financial analyst: The only reason you got a second date is because you have a boat and I thought you would spend the money you incessantly bragged about earning on me. What can I say? I’m a boat whore who likes nice things.
  5. The politician: You live with your parents and you have no job. You probably should have mentioned one of those fun facts about yourself before our second date. However, I did like you so please call me when you work out those issues.
  6. The lawyer: I really liked you as you were tons of fun, smart, and from the South but, I couldn’t get past our first kiss when it felt like you tried to eat my face and somehow managed to bite me.
  7. The environmentalist: You asked for a discount on a $2.00 ticket, re-enacted an entire episode of Seinfeld, and smelled.

For full disclosure, I didn’t actually have to break up with the accountant or the engineer; they knew not to call me because I grimaced when they told me they would. On the other hand, two of them just aren’t accepting that I don’t want to see them anymore. The lawyer asked me out a few weeks later, at the end of my semester, because he figured things “had settled down so we could give it another shot.” The politician continues to call and text me even though I told him not to until he gets a job and moves out of his childhood home.

I know this list makes me sound really shallow and, I admit, I am. But, I don’t want to waste my time or theirs hoping to eventually accept someone with faults I find unattractive. We all have our reasons for ending relationships. I have a friend who broke up with someone because he sweated too much, another friend stops talking to guys with improper texting grammar, and yet another will end it if he has a cat. So, now I turn the question to you: What are the real reasons you broke up with someone?

31 Comments leave one →
  1. natasha permalink
    November 9, 2010 8:41 am

    lol! I loved your post! A man living at home with no desire to move out and be a big boy is a deal breaker – as well as the ones that smell and cannot distinguish between their, there and they’re .. Just can’t do it.

    • Sasha permalink
      November 9, 2010 9:05 am

      I’m so glad you liked it. I admit to the occasional grammar mistake, but agree “their”, “there”, and “they’re” along with “your” and “you’re” kill me. But what is even worse, “ur”.

  2. November 9, 2010 8:54 am

    I broke up with a guy because he was a living stereo-type for a Newfie. I know this means nothing to most of the world, but to Canadians you instantly understood. Don’t get me wrong, Newfies are great fun at a party, but just not relationship material for me.
    I love the chart!! Helpful in many applications!

    • Sasha permalink
      November 9, 2010 9:02 am

      Thanks for the comment. Can you elaborate what a Newfie is? I’m unfamiliar with the term.

      • November 9, 2010 10:38 am

        Hmmm…. Here’s a Wikipedia reference. Learn something new every day! Haha
        “Newfie (also Newf or sometimes Newfy) is a colloquial, and sometimes pejorative, term used in Canada for someone who is from Newfoundland……The terms ‘Newf’ or ‘Newfie’ are considered derogatory by many Newfoundlanders. Newfoundlanders are of different views as to whether the term ‘Newf’ is as derogatory as the term ‘Newfie.’ As with many ethnic groups saddled with pejorative terms, many Newfoundlanders use the terms to refer to themselves or to each other, and in this context they are much less offensive than when used by non-Newfoundlanders, or not offensive at all.

        The word ‘Newfie’ is associated with ‘Newfie jokes’, typical Canadian ethnic jokes told and retold since the days of the American and Canadian military presence in Newfoundland during World War II. The jokes almost always depict Newfoundlanders as stupid. Many such jokes are identical to ethnic jokes that are used to disparage other groups. Within Newfoundland, ‘Newfie jokes’ usually contain characters of other ethnicities who underestimate the Newfie who outsmarts them, sometimes unknowingly, at the end of the joke.”

      • November 9, 2010 6:38 pm

        A Newfie is a born and bred Newfoundlander. A place in the FAR EAST of Canada, known as the Rock. They have a unique accent, sense of humor and odd diet and play Kiss the Cod (a drinking game).

  3. November 9, 2010 9:24 am

    I broke up with a dude (a great kid, actually, he was wonderful in a lot of ways) who tried to maul my face every time he went to kiss me–I don’t need a boyfriend I don’t even want to make out with! No matter how I tried to coach him/protect my face, he just didn’t get it!

    • Sasha permalink
      November 9, 2010 9:51 am

      I’m so glad someone else understands how hard it is to date a bad kisser! My friends tried to convince me I could work with it as he was such a great guy but I would cringe every time he leaned in. At least you tried to coach your guy; I just gave up on mine.

  4. November 9, 2010 10:04 am

    One of my favorite tales is the guy I quit dating after he tried to convince me to drink champagne and make out with him in his car in a park, which was closed. A cop came by to tell us we had to leave, and he made me hide the champagne while we talked to the cop. When the cop said we had to leave, he found out his car battery was dead. He then tried to convince me to make out with him while we were waiting for the tow truck, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t in the mood and was acting slightly annoyed. Then, when the tow truck arrived he didn’t know how to open the hood of his own car. After all this, he tried to convince me to come back to his place and spend the night. So basically, he was creepy and not at all manly. I mean really, you can’t open your own car’s hood? Then, he incessantly texted me for days. Once, when he sent me about 4 texts in an hour (an hour when I was busy working and didn’t look at my phone) he followed the “what are you doing?” texts up with a passive-aggressive “so, I guess you aren’t speaking to me” text. No, dude, I was just busy and not staring at my phone. So, now we’ve got creepy, not at all many, and a little crazy. No thanks.

  5. November 9, 2010 10:25 am

    Sasha, thanks so much for this post! I really enjoyed it :).

    I once told a guy that I was feeling something “akin to friendship” after we kissed and it was god-awful. I mean the worst kiss of my life. I tried to kiss him several times the same night (hoping it would get better – I actually liked him!) but the experience was just gross over all. So he said something to me like, “I really like you. I’m glad I met you.” And all I could say was, “You know, I’m feeling something akin to friendship for you.” Never saw him again. And we were like 4 dates in!

    Part of me wishes I could have just been honest and said, “Dude, you are a terrible kisser. Seriously work on that. I’m not here to teach you, but that was awful. Please NEVER kiss me again.”

    • Sasha permalink
      November 9, 2010 10:52 am


      Thank you so much for hosting me! I had a lot of fun sharing my disasters with you.

      I also kept trying to kiss the lawyer hoping that maybe it was a fluke but it just wasn’t. I’ve always believed that people aren’t bad kissers, they just don’t have a kissing style compatible to mine. And then I met him.

      I like your “akin to friendship” story. Too funny!

    • November 9, 2010 3:19 pm

      I might have to use that line, Catherine–I don’t want to date you but it’s too late to be friends, but I’m feeling “something akin to friendship”! haha
      It’s hard to be honest about boys and their bad skillz. I should have told mine he was a terrible kisser, too, but he was too good and nice in every other way. Also, he knew. He still mauled my face every chance he got!

  6. Leah permalink
    November 9, 2010 11:04 am

    Love love love this post! I think standards are underrated, since there are things that just won’t change. I broke up with a guy because his parents took unemployment even though they were able-bodied. Even worse, he saw nothing wrong with his dad spending his entire life at the horse races, betting away his government money. Great guy, tall, ambitious – but I just couldn’t get over his parents not contributing anything to society.
    But I will say that sometimes exceptions should be made. I initially wasn’t receptive to a guy because of him being the same height as me (and so not conducive to my obsession with heels). Ironically, I was primarily concerned with not being able to wear heels at my wedding – or, gasp, being taller than him in ALL of the wedding photos. But then a mutual friend mentioned getting married barefoot on a beach and 3 years later that’s exactly what we did. In the end, I realized a shorter nice guy was better than a tall a**hole.

    • Sasha permalink
      November 9, 2010 11:43 am

      Thank you for your kind words. Fortunately, I’ve never dated a guy with loser parents, and I don’t know if I could separate the guy I was dating from his family.
      I try to be flexible on my standards but I really just can’t settle for a guy without a job or who I don’t want to kiss. As a 5’8″ regular heel wearer, I’m trying very hard to be open to shorter guys, but will admit it’s been a slow process. Congratulations for getting over your initial heightism and marrying a nice guy!

  7. November 9, 2010 11:43 am

    Great post! I love the honesty.
    I broke up with a guy after he brought me home to his house to sit and watch TV with his ENTIRE family after our second date (BIG family, small couch). It was a deal breaker.

  8. Just Saying permalink
    November 9, 2010 11:53 am

    I’ve refused second dates with what would be perfectly decent men, cos they drove away before I was at my front door.

    I’ve broke up with a man, who would sign (loudly) a completely different song that was on the radio, and I was expected to sign along? Hell no.

    I’ve broken up with a man who was courting me before our first date, when he told me via webcam when he said “I heart you” What? Are you 12? Then cried when I told him to act like a man, not a man child…

    I up and left in the middle of dinner when a band guy(who’s band sucked, not cos I didnt like the music, they were not talented musicians) decided he’d sing to me, at dinner, in a crowded restaurant, with his mouth full of lobster melt something.. ew.

    I picked up my bag, gave the waitress a “I’m sorry look” and left. Although I did go back a few hours later and try to pay my half, the manager and waitress thanked me for the entertainment and comped my meal, who btw my date only paid for his half… which I had suspected, so I went back. It’s not the restaurants fault this guy was a dud.

    seriously? Where do I find these guys?

  9. November 9, 2010 1:04 pm

    The environmentalist sounds like a good guy (except for the smelly part). (And the fact that he’s a cheapskate). (Other than that, though – he sounds great).

  10. Danielle permalink
    November 9, 2010 1:14 pm

    So, I’ve been pondering online dating and this totally scared me!! Too funny but I don’t know if I can handle that many bad dates.

    • Sasha permalink
      November 9, 2010 5:28 pm

      If you’re at all interested in it, I think you should give it a shot. All the guys I met were nice and it’s been a fun adventure meeting them all. I haven’t been on a horrible date yet, just got matched with guys with whom I didn’t want to pursue a relationship.

  11. November 9, 2010 2:18 pm

    Now THIS is entertaining. It’s harsh, but oh so true. I am extremely happy you decided to feature her, Catherine! Great post, gave me a laugh at work today.

    It is so disheartening when you actually meet a guy who is enticing… And then he swallows your face as if he 12 and getting his first make-out session. AWFUL! There is nothing worse than a guy who is a bad kisser. Gross. Gagging thinking about it.

    Okay, off of that soapbox! Sorry. Well, when I was in high school, I was horrible. A potential suitor would gain my attention, and then lose it just as quickly. I was the queen of “I just don’t want to be in relationship right now.” (And then would find another boyfriend who was taller, smarter, sportier and had more muscles by sundown…) It was impossible to keep me interested.

  12. Matt79 permalink
    November 9, 2010 5:13 pm

    Reading the first two breakups worried me a bit – I’ve got a big head and I don’t drink! It would be really interesting to know why different women I’ve dated weren’t into me, but I can understand why the truth often isn’t easy to say. Interesting reading!

    • Sasha permalink
      November 9, 2010 5:25 pm

      For both of these guys, those weren’t the main reasons I ended it: living at home and a negative attitude sealed the deal for them.

      For the first guy, his head was disproportionate to his body and if I had really liked him, it wouldn’t have been an issue.

      As for the guy who didn’t drink, I probably would have been ok with his abstaining except that most of his stories involved reliving his glorious fraternity days when he drank heavily.

  13. Sasha permalink
    November 9, 2010 5:16 pm

    Thanks everyone for the comments!

    Amanalyn: I would totally have ended it over a family tv watching session too. What type of man ends a date with the offer to come over and watch tv with his parents?

    Just Saying: You have had terrible dates and I don’t envy you in the slightest (no offense). I’ve definitely dated my share of weirdos but have never felt compelled to leave a date in the middle of a restaurant. He sounds awful!

    Markp427: All these guys were great. Except for the aforementioned reasons. I really do wish them luck in finding a great girl.

    Brittany: Thanks for the compliment! I can’t believe there are so many of us who really liked guys only to be completely turned off by their horrible kissing styles. I’m still shuddering thinking about my experience.

  14. November 9, 2010 8:58 pm

    Unfortunately, I have disagreed with what a computer deems to be my soul mate

    Given how those guys misrepresented themselves, it’s going to be difficult for any computer to properly deem anyone anyone else’s soul mate.

  15. November 9, 2010 11:59 pm

    Ha, I can see where face-biting would be a turn off.

  16. November 10, 2010 7:22 am

    I don’t think that not wanting to date someone who still lives at home and doesn’t have a job is shallow. It’s knowing what you want and what you don’t. I know I don’t want to support unemployed guys. I feel like they should be focusing on finding a job, not dating. I think what you did with the politician proves you’re not shallow: you’re willing to give him a chance once he gets other aspects of his life in order.

    But if not wanting to date someone who doesn’t have a job and still lives at home is shallow, I’m shallow, too.

    Great post!

  17. DNAce permalink
    November 10, 2010 9:16 am

    Excellent post! I don’t think people give their sense of smell enough credit when dating. Science has shown that pheromones play a key role in our animal kingdom friend’s love lives, why not ours too? I wouldn’t even let a relationship start with a guy once because there was something off about his smell beneath the cologne haze he had following him around.

  18. Sasha permalink
    November 10, 2010 8:02 pm

    thoughtsappear: Both guys who lived at home said they could move out, but they chose to live at home to help out their families. While I agree that it’s noble of them, I really didn’t want to start a relationship with anyone who lived at home. I’m glad you liked the post!

    DNAce: Good insight on how smells affect who we find attractive. In the environmentalist’s defense, we had just gone hiking possibly stemming his odor, but it still grossed me out.

  19. Grey permalink
    November 11, 2010 9:25 am

    Sasha (I hope you enjoy my attempts to complement your nom de plume with my own),

    I loved this post! “I’m a boat whore who likes nice things,” is probably how a lot of us feel but aren’t willing to admit it.

    You also seem to handle dumping these guys with much more aplomb than I would. Actually telling someone to get it together and get a job/move out, or tactfully blaming it on distance/availability when it’s a personality feature they can’t really control seem like far more acceptable and considerate methods than I would use. For example, I am remembered by my friends as ending a date with a fist-bump.

    I am with your friend on the grammar. I periodically peruse the dating websites to see if there are any desirable prospects in my vicinity (with little/no success), and the second I see “definately” or incorrect use of your/you’re or it’s/its, I automatically move on to the next LvrGuy4U.

    My mom recently gave me the book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough”, which warns against rejecting men based on such petty features as height, grammar or lack of hair (lest we end up lonely old spinsters, oh noes!) However, I honestly feel that qualities such as poor grammar or a consistently unkempt appearance indicate an unwillingness to make an effort. Not taking the time to proofread an e-mail that serves as your first impression makes me wary of how much effort you’ll put into a relationship if you’re not even trying to put your best foot forward in the beginning. Or, from another standpoint, if you did proofread and aren’t even aware that you’re making mistakes, we clearly value different things; I am not better than you because I care about grammar, but to me it indicates that our priorities probably diverge at fairly important points.

    I’m now at the age where living with the parents is no longer acceptable, barring extenuating circumstances (like your house/apt. caught on fire or your home is being renovated). Maybe if you were fresh out of undergrad with a new job and wanted to save money for a year or two, I could see it. I’m beyond a year or two out of college now, and I don’t want to feel like I’m regressing to high school when I date a guy. Meeting the parents is not something I anticipate on date #2 simply because we want to watch a movie at his place.

    I hope you write another post, I really enjoyed reading this. It was concise (something I need to work on), witty and entertaining, all while being more self-aware than I think most of us are willing to be.

    • Sasha permalink
      November 11, 2010 5:12 pm

      Hi Grey! (Love the name btw)
      While I agree with the premise of the Mr. Good Enough book abotut lowering outrageously high standards, I’m not going to be unhappy in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. This is the first time I’ve been single for awhile and I don’t want to just start seriously dating the next “Good Enough” guy.
      Thanks for the well thought-out response. I really appreciate it.

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