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Good Men Shortage

December 16, 2010
Breaking news picture, anchor

Photo courtesy of Just Nora. No, "cows on the loose" was not me loosely referencing females chasing men. It's the best pic I could find.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the breaking news, but it seems there is a national shortage of good men. I didn’t know it, but since I broke up with Chef, it is all most people can tell me. “He seemed like such a good guy,” they say. “You know, those are really hard to come by.” I’m not sure how I missed the bulletin. I guess I’ve been paying too much attention to the weather, or that damned Anderson Cooper distracted me with some mess about cholera in Haiti, but somehow I missed the advisory scrolling on the bottom of TV screens everywhere:

The United States is facing the worst ever shortage of good, available men. Take cover and if you have one of these men, hold onto them tightly, because trifling, single women around the country will attempt to steal them from you. The United Nations is negotiating an agreement to ship good men from other countries to help with the United States’ shortage, and the National Guard is on standby in case there is social unrest. We’ll keep you updated as this important story develops.

I guess I never really thought that good men were a dime a dozen or anything, but seriously, are there really so few that I may never find one ever again? By breaking up with Chef, have I lost my last real chance at happiness? Because I ended a perfectly good relationship (perfectly good except I’m not ready), am I destined at the ripe old age of 25 and 11 months to live the life of a spinster?

Don’t answer that question. I’m starting to learn that I shouldn’t ask questions to which I don’t really want the answer. Consider, for example, my father’s disappointment in me when I went to visit him this weekend for his birthday. He asked me about the fellow I was dating (note: he does not read the blog and I don’t keep him that up-to-date on my love life, so the last he’d heard about Chef was at Thanksgiving before we broke up). When I mentioned I’d ended things with Chef because I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, you would not believe the sigh that came out of my father’s mouth. He then proceeded to ask me why I seem so intent on messing up my life, and that if I keep this up, I will end up alone. I should also mention that earlier in the day, he semi-jokingly told a total stranger that he has begun to lose all hope that he will get another grandchild, because neither my sister Natasha nor me seemed like we’d ever have children.

Ouch. No seriously, ouch.

Lesson learned – do not probe to find out what your father thinks of your decisions. You’d think I would have learned this lesson already, especially since my father’s reaction for months and months after I called off the wedding was, “Don’t you think you could forgive him? I mean, sure he lied. Maybe he’ll even lie to you for the rest of your life. But he takes really good care of you, right? And you love him, right? Isn’t that enough?” And he was right. My ex fiancée took great care of me, both emotionally and financially. And yes, I loved him very much. But one place where he was wrong was that it absolutely was not enough.

I think – wait, I have to believe – that there are good guys out there. I don’t have empirical evidence that proves this to be the case. I’ve heard plenty of cautionary tales of men who have done my friends and my friends’ friends wrong. I’ve read statistics that say that at least half of marriages end in divorce, and that 50-60 percent of men cheat. And yes, I’m fearful that there are tons of good guys – until they aren’t good guys anymore. My ex was a plenty good guy, until he wasn’t. So, maybe that’s the real problem. There are lots of good guys out there – but they’re good-guy-ness is only temporary.

I’m not ready to give up hope. There has to be someone for me, and I will find them when I am ready for them. Maybe things will work out for Chef and me in the long run, or maybe they won’t. He is a wonderful person, treated me great and is maybe the best kisser ever, but if he finds someone else while I’m on my dating sabbatical, I will just have to live. I will find someone else, who I will teach to kiss like Chef. Kidding(ish). And in the meantime, I will learn how to make myself happy.

Women runners at starting line for a race

Women everywhere are suiting up, prepared for the race of their lifetimes to find one of the last good men. Photo courtesy of Bill Cockerham.

Until next time … be careful out there. I’ve heard rumors that the government is considering rationing the available good men and the black market can be very dangerous. Buy plenty of non-perishable items, stay in your homes, lock your doors, hold on with dear life to any good men you find online dating, in the grocery store or at the bar. Call up that guy from college with which you made a pact that if neither of you were married by the time you were 32, you’d marry each other. If he is listed as single on Facebook, sequester him immediately. In times like these, it’s totally acceptable to use force. We women must be resourceful. And if you are somehow able to find two good men, reserve one for me. I may need a backup.


73 Comments leave one →
  1. natasha permalink
    December 16, 2010 8:49 am

    lol! That was simply hilarious! At least dad was interested in your dating life… I think he’s just about given up on me… At the ripe old age of 30 I’m a lost cause. By this age, him and mom already had 3 kids. What a disappointment we are.

    • December 19, 2010 2:31 pm

      I know. Poor Dad. He is soooo unfortunate to only get one grandkid. We are failures…we should give up already.
      🙂
      AND, now that the crazy talk is over….
      We are both far from menopause. We have many child-bearing years ahead of us. I’d rather just wait until I have the right father rather than just get knocked up for the sake of getting knocked up!!
      Although, it is crazy to think that mom and dad already had three kids by my age. Crazytown!

  2. December 16, 2010 9:00 am

    I have a group of friends who all agree with the following statement: do not even consider marriage until you are 30- it should be a law.
    Too much emphasis is placed on life partners. It is not all it is cracked up to be. Live the dream, enjoy your 20’s. When you are ready, fate sends Mr Right along.

    • December 19, 2010 2:34 pm

      Edmonton: Ha, that would be fabulous. Waiting until 30 to even consider marriage would be perfect – give you plenty of time to figure yourself our, have fun and then settle down! Let’s petition Congress to pass this 🙂

  3. duke1959 permalink
    December 16, 2010 9:11 am

    I was in my mid 30’s before I got married, By the way did you know that Anderson Cooper is a Vanderbilt. His mother is Gloria Vanderbilt.

    • December 19, 2010 2:35 pm

      Duke,
      Oh yeah, I did hear that. So interesting – I think he seems like such an amazing guy! I love love love him… too bad he’s also gay 😦

  4. 2 New Beginnings permalink
    December 16, 2010 9:38 am

    Your Dad sounds exactly like mine! They always seem to know what’s right for us, and we don’t have a clue. I tell my parents, hey you raised to be a strong woman, now let me be! Coming from someone who has made most of her decisions based on the opinions of others in her past and is now trying to learn from that and stop the cycle, make sure you listen to your heart! You can listen to other’s advice, but make sure it’s what you want and you feel it down deep within yourself. As I have stated before, don’t feel bad for your feelings!

    As far as the “Good Guy” theory. I have a hard time with that! I mean, is anyone really Good all of the time? We have all made mistakes, lied at one point, done things we aren’t proud of and wished we could take back. From reading your previous blogs, it seems to me your ex really wasn’t that bad of a guy until he made mistakes in the end. Did that make him not a good guy, I don’t think so, it just made him not the “Right Guy” for you. So, I look at it as more as a “Right Guy” theory then “Good Guy” theory, cause I just don’t think anyone can ever be good and perfect all the time. Sadly, we are human and we are going to do wrong at some point. It’s how we learn from those mistakes that matters in the end.

    You are ONLY 25, that is young, believe me! I know you will find the right guy in time. I truly believe all of us single ladies and men, if we really want to share our lives with someone, we will find the “Right Guy/Gal” in time. Hang in there!

    Give time…..time.

    • December 19, 2010 2:42 pm

      2 New Beginnings:
      EXACTLY! My parents raised me to be independent and told me I could do anything I want to do… but then when I actually do it, often, my Dad pushes back. It’s like let me be who you raised me to be!

      I guess no one is good all the time, but I believe there are good people and there are bad people. I also think that most people are actually good people, that end up doing bad things (but it doesn’t make them bad people, exactly, because they feel remorse and try to make things right).

      I struggle with this question about my ex because I don’t think he’s a bad person, but I also don’t think it’s as simple as he wasn’t right for me. It’s a weird gray area, where he did some terrible things, but I can’t believe he’s a bad man. But, I’m afraid that he would still do these same things to someone else… so he’s not quite a good person who just made stupid mistakes or a good person who has changed. And, he’s not a good person who did bad things to me just because we weren’t right for each other – the stuff he did was genuinely unacceptable and lasted for years. So I struggle with it. But, at the end of the day, I don’t think he was a bad person. Just confused, dishonest and did some hurtful things. I just truly hope he’s improved and can move on from it and find happiness…and give someone what they deserve. What I deserved.

      • John Davidson permalink
        November 24, 2013 8:25 pm

        Well not good people and bad people, just people who have or don’t have unconscious emotional baggage that drives them mercilessly to cheat or whatever. If you believe in ‘bad people’, you are being a bit simplistic. Abuse creates abusive people, ukno. they were fine before the abuse; afterward, they are acting from their unconscious (because trauma makes certain things disconnected from the conscious awareness) and their motivation is also unconscious, although they seem to be making choices, really they are acquiescing. they are not well. Of course this is true in some small way for all of us. Rather than separating people into good and bad, us and them, i think it is best to be inclusive of all humanity and what we are going through, and for people who behave ‘badly’, call them ‘human’ and realize that some people have experienced things that changed them for the worse. in this case forgiveness and understanding goes a long way to dropping our anger about ‘what they did to us’. The more unacceptable the behaviour, the more likely it is that the person is post-trauma.

  5. December 16, 2010 10:18 am

    L do love me some Andy Coopy.

    -L

    • December 19, 2010 2:43 pm

      Yum, Andy. I wonder if he’s doing New Year’s again with Kathy Griffin? That’s always so funny. Every time she called him Andy, the viewers had to drink. Fun times 🙂

  6. December 16, 2010 10:58 am

    I’ll keep this simple today. Yes, there seems to be a profound lack of good men in America today — especially in South Dakota in case you were wondering.

    But you can’t doubt that you will find one or settle for less than what you want and need in a relationship. All of the women out there doing that are part of the reason there are so few good men out there. Because they don’t have to be that good for a woman to cling to him with all her might.

    Every time a woman settles for less than she needs it is bad for all of us because men as a group seem to be trying to do as little as possible to land a woman. (Not specific men my darling Dennis or you Matt79.)

    When women settle it’s bad for men too. Because when they don’t hold out for the best guy for them — because of fear or desperation or whatever — the best guy for them has to watch her with the guy she settled for. And sometimes he will, in turn, settle himself.

    And that’s why there’s so much divorce. Simple, right?

    Yeah, I guess that wasn’t so short. And maybe it isn’t so profound either.

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

    • December 16, 2010 2:54 pm

      Thanks for the mention Crystal – it almost sounds like you’re saying that Dennis and I are the only eligible guys left, and since I don’t live in the USA that means that Dennis is going to be even more in demand than ever! But if there’s any man who can handle that kind of pressure, it’s him…

      • December 19, 2010 2:45 pm

        Matt, you need to come to the USA 🙂 Whole new dating pool…

    • December 19, 2010 4:10 pm

      Crystal,

      It is a vicious cycle of settling, then men don’t feel like they don’t have to do much because women settle anyway, and then a guy doesn’t get the girl he wants so he settles… all so convoluted. I definitely think what you’ve described here is one of the main problems with dating and trying to build a life with imperfect people, and then add to that the pressures of when you have to get married, and to who, and what you need to do to be considered happy and successful. Because for so many people, happy means you have to be married with kids, but that shouldn’t necessariy be the case. They are many other paths to happiness.

      Thanks for this comment – you’ve got me thinking!!

  7. Megan permalink
    December 16, 2010 11:08 am

    Hey Catherine!

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! It was like a superstar came by to say hello, and I’m both honored and star struck.

    On this point, I love the “Right Guy” and “Good Guy” theory because I’m not always a “Good Girl” either. I’ll do my best, and that’s all I can offer. I’ll be a “Right Girl” for the “Right Guy” who believes that my best is enough. We all have different abilities to tolerate different attributes, and that’s the beauty of it.

    Take care,
    Megan

    • December 19, 2010 4:13 pm

      Megan,
      No problem! I love your blog 🙂 I appreciate you coming by here as well!

      I think you make a fair point here, you can only do your best. No one can ask anything more from you. And I really do agree, your best will be enough (it should be perfect, in fact) for the one you decide to spend your life with.

      Thanks for your comment!

  8. Cinderelle permalink
    December 16, 2010 11:26 am

    All people lie (http://articles.cnn.com/2005-08-12/us/liars_1_liar-deceit-clues?_s=PM:US), even good guys. Sometimes honesty is the worst policy, sometimes your innocent little lies are pure diplomacy, cause you don´t want to hurt someone´s else feelings or destroy the Middle east´s truce. I personally try to avoid lying, because a) I feel terrible and b) therefore I am the world´s most terrible liar.
    But Catherine, your ex not only lied, but even cheated, and I´m totally on your side, forgiving something like that before wedding would be simply too much to ask. You are too young to settle with something like that, knowing, that it could (and will) probably happen again in the foreseeable future.
    I don´t believe in the right timing, I believe in the right guy. And love. Chef sounds absolutely wonderful, one of the really good guys, but if you were really head over heels, I don´t think you would let him go like that, risking losing him forever. Your heart would have stopped you.
    But i´m even younger and kind of naive and desperately romantic girl:)
    Nevertheless, great post and good luck. Don´t stop believing and don´t stop blogging.

    • December 19, 2010 4:17 pm

      Cinderelle,
      Thanks for your comment and for sharing that story on CNN! Interesting stuff!
      Thanks for understanding where I’m coming from. It does seem like you get how I feel regarding my ex and the decisions I made (and I have to tell you, having someone understand that, “get it” and trust my decisions feels amazing. I’ve been questioned by a couple of people just enough to begin doubting myself, especially when I’m lonely).

      I hear what you are saying about Chef, and I used to feel the same way. But I’m more in the boat now that love doesn’t always conquer all. Sometimes you can love someone with all you have, you can be head over heals for them, but it doesn’t always work out and it’s not always right. I don’t doubt the feelings I had for Chef at all – I still have them. I think I just had to put myself first though.

      Thanks for your comment and your words of support!!

  9. Randy permalink
    December 16, 2010 11:49 am

    You’re not disappointments. Don’t think that of yourself. Things happen for reason, the time hasn’t come yet for you to have children. It’ll happen when its time to happen. Love the blogs Cat. Take care.

    • December 19, 2010 4:21 pm

      Thank you, Randy. That’s incredibly sweet and I appreciate the support. Thanks for reading/commenting!

  10. Keep Your Woman permalink
    December 16, 2010 1:17 pm

    I am man, and I will tell you that there IS a shortage on good ones. However there seems to be a PLETHORA of whiny, disrespectful, baby-one’s if you’re interested? No? Yeah.. that’s what I thought.

    Truth of the matter is that the more time goes on, the more men are fashioned into selfish little jerks, who only think about themselves.. a “what have you done for me?” mentality. It’s a shame, really.

    This is a cure though….

    • December 16, 2010 6:28 pm

      What is the cure? Pray, do tell? I’d like to administer it to all of the child-like men I see each day.

      • Keep Your Woman permalink
        December 17, 2010 10:37 am

        haha.. For starters, there going to have to realize it themselves in order for any REAL change to happen. Like any problem a person is having, be it with women or drugs, if they don’t realize it’s there, than it’s a lost cause. I try to help and coach as many guys (and women) as I can, but the REALITY of it is that there are some that just can’t be helped. When their ready, then I’m open for it, but until then, I wont waste my time.

        Next step is changing that annoying, wussy behavior…

    • December 19, 2010 4:20 pm

      Wow, this definitely is not reassuring! I would agree a little though, I’ve been finding a lot of men that are whiny babies that I’m just like man the hell up! I need someone who stands his own ground and is masculine. However, I don’t want a jerk. It’s a fine line.

      I guess as far as your cure, it sounds very AA… the first step is admitting you have a problem!!

  11. December 16, 2010 3:04 pm

    I like what Megan wrote above about being a Right Girl for the Right Guy. There might not be many men who would be a Right Guy for every woman, but there will be plenty of Right Guys out there for you and you’ll be a Right Girl for plenty of them. After all, you’ve already found that it’s quicker to find a great guy than it is to be ready to be with him, if you see what I mean. Once you’re ready, I don’t think it’ll take you long to find a good candidate again, whether it’s Chef or someone else.

    • December 19, 2010 2:48 pm

      Matt,
      I like that theory too. I can’t get on board with this idea that there is only one person out there for me and if I don’t find my “soulmate” I’ll never be happy. I think there are plenty of men out there with whom I could build a happy life. I just need to be ready. But you are right, it did seem easy (maybe a little too easy?) to find a good guy, but maybe I was just lucky. I hope you are right and that when I’m ready, it’ll be equally as easy 🙂

  12. December 16, 2010 4:57 pm

    GLOBAL good man shortage my dear. Global.

    • December 19, 2010 2:49 pm

      LOL Caity. Sorry – guess the UN won’t be able to help the US afer all 🙂

  13. December 16, 2010 5:42 pm

    There are 7 billion people in this world. Even if only .001 percent of the population (one out of a hundred thousand) people is a good guy who’s right for you and unmarried that’s still 70,000 guys in this world! You’ll find one.

    Also, this made me really glad that my dad only took an interest in my dating life during the 3 months that I was dating a professional baseball player. Other than that he is completely disinterested in my dating life. And what a blessing that is. 😉

    • December 16, 2010 9:20 pm

      * i meant one in ten thousand. misplaced a decimal point. you get my point though.

    • December 19, 2010 2:49 pm

      Mandy,
      I like this math, thanks! My thoughts exactly.
      Ooohhh you dated a professional baseball player? I want a guest post about that!! haha :0)

  14. December 16, 2010 5:54 pm

    At first I thought your dad and mine were related based on this comment: “so intent on messing up my life.” Except my dad hated my ex.

    I can assure you that a good guy will pop up at the right time. =)

    • December 19, 2010 2:53 pm

      Thoughtsappear: Thank you very much :). Maybe our father’s are distant cousins? haha

  15. Muma Clown permalink
    December 16, 2010 7:09 pm

    Shortage of good “men”? The same applies to “women”, of course. There is no such thing, in my opinion, as good “men” and “women”… we are all full of darkness. Trying to live solely in the light is not even possible, we are human because we are a mix of both…not just one. The young “men” and “women” of today would much rather indulge in various pleasures which is why they may be [are] prone to playing “the game”. Don’t hate the player, hate the game? There would be no game without players. Seems a bit hopeless now but I truly believe that at some point in their lives these “wrong” and “horrible” men/women will encounter that ONE individual who will alter their life in the most enlightening manner possible. Or they will undergo a life-threatening experience. There will always be pain, always, because many are bound to get hurt along the way. Sure, these people have to stop this “game” nonsense but that isn’t likely. My regards go out to everyone who has been victimized but one must learn to avoid these predators. Haha, but seriously Catherine you are in dire need of a single life. You must enjoy your life as much as possible and besides there are people who already love you even if it is not intimate. Who said you’ll always be alone? Loneliness is bestowed in the hearts of everyone, do not let that be the reason for a relationship. Live for yourself.

    • December 19, 2010 3:51 pm

      Muma,
      Thanks for your advice and insights. As I said to one of the other commenters, I don’t believe in just one person for everyone. And, I don’t really believe that people change, if I’m completely honest. I think you are who you are, and you find someone to love you for who you are. But it is somewhat heartwarming to think that bad men/women will be changed and enlightened by this one, special person. Unfortunately I’m a bit of a pessimist, so I have a hard time grasping this. Maybe someday … I gotta see it happen for myself 🙂

      “You are in dire need of a single life.” This really struck me and felt true. Thanks for putting this into words for me. I really appreciate your reading and comment.

  16. December 16, 2010 8:15 pm

    Ha – at least you have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

    Your dad might be just a bit premature in thinking he’ll never end up with another grandchild. There’s still plenty of time for you (and, I’m guessing, Natasha). My parents kind of had the opposite reaction: with the way my brother was procreating left and right – multiple babies, multiple women – they pretty much started begging for no more grandchildren.

    But I digress. Keep a positive attitude and you’ll find a good guy…when you’re ready.

    • December 19, 2010 3:54 pm

      Mark: Haha, thanks. Yes, definitely plenty of time for Natasha and me both. It just sucks hearing this from your father- you start to believe it!! But let me tell you, we have daddy issues. More issues than I could even go into here, so this is just the tip of the iceburg :).

      I think it’s funny your brother was having babies left and right and your parents wanted you to hold back. Must have been a huge stress relief for you, though! I think the pressure to live this future our parents, our friends, or anyone, has mapped out for us is incredibly stressful. I really just want to be told, for once in my life, “Do what makes you happy and I will be happy too.” That would be the best thing I could hear from anyone in my life.

  17. 2blu2btru permalink
    December 17, 2010 2:03 pm

    I almost fell over reading that advisory! As an African-American woman, the media has a special scare campaign directed at me, telling me I will never be married and will never find a good man. My relatives used to be all over me, tweaking things they thought kept me single–what I eat, how I walk, how much I talk, what I say, what I wear. I didn’t change a thing, and I’m as happy as a clam I didn’t. Advice is good, but you know you and you know what you’re ready for. If it doesn’t fit, you have to quit (to misquote a famous lawyer). Better now than when you’re married to the wrong person, right?

    • December 19, 2010 4:01 pm

      Ohh, I never thought of this along the lines of race. I’ve definitely noticed that the “no good men” message is especially prevalant for the African American community. I can’t imagine my family pointing out this or that thing that is what is keeping me single… that would hurt my feelings so much! Well, I’m also pretty damn sensitive. I don’t mind someone out pointing something to me serious/big – like, you are afraid of committment, or you push guys way, etc etc. But trying to tell me something about what I eat or how much I talk? I would be so hurt and pissed about that. I think your last line, “better now than when you’re married to the wrong person, right?” is SOOO true. My thoughts exactly. I want to go into a marriage with no doubts at all. I can’t wait to get there. Thanks for your comment.

  18. December 17, 2010 5:10 pm

    Well, it’s easy to understand how Anderson could distract you.

    Here’s what I think: Good men are everywhere. Really. Many of them are taken, but not all. It all comes down to taking the time to look at and get to know the whole person. You do that, and men–and people in general–will just blow you away.

    • December 19, 2010 4:04 pm

      Maura,
      If only I could turn Anderson straight. I think we are soulmates. Sure, we have a somewhat significant age difference, but age is nothing but a number!! haha. Don’t remind me I said that later when I’m being an ageist again 🙂

      I have to agree with you completely. I do think good men are everywhere. Not perfect men (who is perfect??) but good men, I know them and I’ve seen them. I just think you have to have reasonable expectations of people, and know that no one is perfect. As long as there are no deal breakers (cheating, lying, abusive behaviors), most flaws can be dealt with, I believe. I’m just afraid of finding those guys that seem good, when they really are in no way good, it’s all a facade. That’s probably my biggest fear, from my experience, but I’m working to overcome it.

  19. December 19, 2010 5:04 pm

    Wasn’t your blog “Freshly Pressed” awhile ago? I remember responding….um about something related to the feature article..about men.

    Don’t know how to help your grieving of break-up, but consider taking a 90 degree turn on life path –take a vacation somewhere by yourself (yes, solo) or a course that covers a passion of yours (hopefully not men).

    Rather than worry about whether or not there will ever be a good man who crosses your path, reconsider how to give yourself to something that you believe and to share that passion/interest.

    I was something like you ..given up on possibly any good man in my life. So I just funneled my savings…and bought my own home. Then within 5 months, he did come into my life. Meanwhile I kept my home, lived in it and paid up the mortgage myself. We spent lots of time together at each other’s home.

    I had no interest in becoming a 2nd mother to his children, still hurting from his divorce. He was happy to deal with them during the custody arrangements when he had the children.

    Fast forward 19 yrs. later…I’m still with him. He helped me get back into cycling (before meeting him, I was hankering to get back on the bike, but wasn’t sure how…) which is part of our lifestyle. His children are now in their early 30’s.

    My point is..that never hurry love and never wait for life to pass by while waiting for love.

    I’m 51 now and he’s 67. Youu can see in my blogs, that he is not the sole focus of my life.

    When I get together with close gal friends for past 25 yrs., we don’t talk about men hardly at all. I rarely see these precious friends, so many other key things to talk about instead of men in our lives, which we would if there was something wrong with a partner.

    Life is waiting for you to embrace. I know,……this Christmas it ain’t him I’m thinking about (he’s here with me), but a sister who died just 3 months. She was only 1 yr. younger than I.

    Life presses onward, no matter how what griefs are tearing our hearts abit.

    • December 23, 2010 1:15 pm

      Hi Jean,
      Yep, I was Freshly Pressed back in September.
      This is all great advice and I am thinking of taking a road trip all by myself. I love your line “Never hurry love and never wait for life to pass by while waiting for love.” Great advice, and very beautifully written.
      I don’t want you to have the impression that men is all I care about. If you read a few posts back, to the Alone post, https://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2010/12/09/alone/, I am spending time focusing on myself and not on men. So there will definitely be more posts coming soon that don’t have much to do with men. HOWEVER, I started this blog as a way to recover from my breakup with my ex. It’s about finding myself, learning to love myself and recover from losing a love. So, men will be a topic. I know it’s not everyone’s up of tea, but it’s what I’m experiencing and learning about, so it’s what I’m writing about too.
      Thanks for reading and for your thoughtful comment. I’m really sorry to hear about your sister. Take care of yourself and Happy Holidays!

  20. December 19, 2010 5:07 pm

    Actually please reconsider developing a blog that isn’t primarily on men and dating.

    Or maybe I’m getting old. LOL.

    Am also at his blog as blogmaster: http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com

  21. December 19, 2010 6:10 pm

    My brother’s fiance broke up with him about a month ago, after 2+ years of dating, 6 months of being engaged and 5 more to go. She gave a number of reasons but I lost my breath when she said she wanted MY life: single, the power to do whatever I wanted, the ability to travel, the career, and everything comes with being single and NOT being tied down or trapped in a relationship. If only she knew I was envious of HER. Not because of my brother because that would be icky but the being single thing being glamorous?

    The break ups suck and the healing process isn’t easy (as you know) but the finding yourself process can be an amazing adventure… if you let it. Being alone for a while could be the greatest thing ever to happen to you.

    • December 23, 2010 1:10 pm

      Pammy,
      It’s so interesting how we can envy the lives that we don’t have. I envy the life you have that you just described, for so long I had the relationship life and I just want to feel what it’s like to be single and have the freedom to do whatever I want. But I can see how you can want to be in a relationship, on the path to getting married. I hope that we all find our bliss – whatever makes us happy. I’m definitely thinking about your brother and sending positive thoughts his way; I imagine he’s probably having a tough holiday.
      As far as being single being glamorous — I think we are at an interesting time in our culture where we can see being single as being fabulous. I think this comes from a generation of women watching Sex & The City, the plethora of dating blogs, the power that online dating puts in your hands to find someone. But I think there comes a time in most women’s lives where they are done with all that and crave to settle down. I’m just not there yet…. or anymore, because I was there before.

  22. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    December 19, 2010 11:52 pm

    You’re a great woman, so a great man will come to you. It’s going to happen because I say it’s going to happen. If you doubt that you’re going to find a great man, you’re doubting me… and we can’t have that, can we?
    Stay strong!

    • December 23, 2010 1:04 pm

      Okay, if you say it’s going to happen we know you are always right, so I’m all set. My worries are all gone. Thanks, BeneathTheSpinLight 🙂
      (You will too, I know it 🙂 )

  23. laynechin permalink
    December 20, 2010 1:14 am

    I almost agree with you. But donot hold still with the Good Men Shortage. People find there love now and there.

  24. December 20, 2010 2:51 am

    OK…2 things:

    1. People telling you there is a shortage of good men “out there” is akin to people asking me “Is she hot” of the woman who broke up my marriage. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG!

    2. You have broken my heart: Anderson Cooper is GAY??? When did this happen? (Well, actually, please don’t tell me the exact moment…)

    😉

    Hang in there. You’ll be fine. Or we’ll both be killed by terrorists, cuz you know the old adage about that one…

    • December 23, 2010 12:59 pm

      Mikalee,
      LOL! I can’t get over that people ask you if the woman that broke up your marriage is hot. Ridiculous….where were these people raised??
      On Anderson Cooper, I know … it sucks. One of the best bachelors out there! I found out a couple of years ago when he hosted New Years on CNN with Kathy Griffin and she said that the gays loved her, and referenced Anderson. I Googled it and found he’s actually considered one of the most powerful gay men. Crazy!! Lends credence to why are the good ones taken or gay?? 🙂
      Sure hope we aren’t killed by terrorists. I’d rather die alone lol

  25. theothercaligirl permalink
    December 21, 2010 12:33 am

    I just came across your blog and I’m so thankful that I did. I was getting fed up with all the blogs about people’s perfect lives. Give me a break! You aren’t afraid to share your true feelings, as difficult or wonderful as they may be. I find myself in a situation very similar to yours. It’s nice to read your posts and known that I’m not crazy for choosing to define my life outside of a relationship. Keep up the great writing and I wish you all the best!

    • December 23, 2010 12:57 pm

      Theothercaligirl: Thanks so much for reading and commenting!! I know how you feel – some blogs are hard to read because they just don’t seem realistic. I don’t know anyone who has that fabulous or wonderful of a life – we all go through struggles and we all have to learn the hard way, sometimes. Thanks for sharing that you are in a similar situation – it’s nice to not feel so alone for me as well!!

  26. December 21, 2010 2:58 pm

    LOL, one my friends asked me to be his age 40 backup. I personally don’t want to wait until 40 to get married and had to decline. He says ’30’ is too soon…

    I’m not giving up hope though. I’d rather be by myself than have to put up with an ‘ok’ relationship. At least thats what I tell myself, right?

  27. December 23, 2010 11:27 pm

    Unfortunately, it seems like it might be true… there is a slight “Good Man” shortage. Or at least there seems to be in Boston…

    However, that doesn’t mean that you should have done anything differently with Chef. It’s not just about meeting the right man, it’s about meeting the right man at the right time. And unfortunately, that is a little harder. But give it time, it will work out for you.

    Merry Christmas! (Just saw your comment on my blog – we must have been reading each other’s blog at the same time)!

    Hang in there girl!

    XOXO

    • December 29, 2010 11:41 pm

      International: For some reason, I imagine Boston as being full of hotties! You know what, I say “for some reason,” but in reality, I know the reason: Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Haha 🙂 It’ll happen (for both of us)!!
      And yes, we were totally reading each other’s blog at the same time. Too funny!

  28. January 7, 2011 7:47 pm

    Two things. No wait three things lol.

    One. 25 is incredibly young. 4 years ago at 25 I still didn’t have a fucking clue who I was. I cannot begin to tell you the drastic changes in my life that have taken place since then. But I assure you. You have plenty of time.

    Two. The way your dad is going about things sucks. But bear in mind he probably just wants what he thinks will make you happy. Which obvs. comes from a good place. Perhaps you should simply enlighten him. People aren’t mind-readers. Say it gentle. Say it clear. But say it.

    Three. There isn’t a shortage of good men. Good men are everywhere. But if being “good” was enough we’d all be married by now. Is “good” all you really want for yourself? Just being with someone “nice” might be enough for some people. Not I. I wish “good” were enough, but alas I want amazing, thrilling, out of this world, blows my mind, takes my breath away, is more than a polite smile and a kind gesture (though embodies those attributes as well 😉

    • January 11, 2011 11:11 pm

      Something: You are right, 25 (now almost 26) is young. I appreciate you saying that and it’s good to remind myself. Re: my Dad… that’s complicated. I might go into a bit more on the blog someday, but it’s not as easy as it sounds to talk with him. I try, a little bit, every time something like this happens, and I’m hoping that little by little we’re making some progress.
      I agree with you on wanting someone waaaay better than “good enough.” Cheers to both of us finding it!

    • September 7, 2014 6:07 am

      Something Stinks: Amazing, Thrilling, Blows my mind away, etc. is great until he leaves your for a younger woman. Grow up, Life is 10% exciting and 90% boring and it’s up to you to make the boring moments mean something. Boring women are the ones that seek the most excitement because they are boring by their very nature.

  29. Andy_s permalink
    January 11, 2012 9:07 am

    Seems to me there is a good woman shortage in the US. American white women are the most demanding spoiled creatures on the Earth oh and how fat, thankless, unappreciative and manlike are they going to get? Its actually a global economy now for dating. Australia, Asia Europe and Russia have real man shortages, so the women are much better in appearance and behavior than American women. American women can not compete with these women and come in dead last for sure. Im a white male American and I married a beautiful slim Japanese lady after I dumped my monster white American wife. I encourage all my male friends to get Foreign wives especially Asian wives, but most of them already have an Asian, Mexican or Russian wife so guess im preaching to the choir.

  30. Andy_s permalink
    January 12, 2012 3:59 am

    Its funny how an American White women thinks she is too good for most any man, but then women 10 times more attractive pleasant and thinner than her around the world would love to have her man, the American White woman is often shocked to find this out. I guess that has been the whole feminist empower women agenda for the last 30 years in America, to artificially inflate womens esteem and ego and to make men feel devalued, thats been the theme most of my life. I’m not being mean here and I feel sorry for American White women, they are not happy at all, dont kill the messenger but the more American men start to realize they were part of a failed feminist experiment and they compare American women to women around the world the men will choose almost any foreign lady over an American women because the foreign lady is much better looking, thinner, nicer, more pleasant more lady like and is a helping, caring, partner for the man BUT MOST IMPORTANT SHE VALUES MEN. You American ladies are going to have to get your act together, realize you are not great or special, and you will be lucky to find love with a man that loves you even if he is not mr perfect THAT WE ALL KNOW YOU DESERVE AND ARE SO ENTITLED TO BECAUSE YOU ARE A SPECIAL IMPORTANT CREATURE.

  31. Andy_s permalink
    January 12, 2012 4:30 am

    Does this look like someone that has realistic expectations
    I wish “good” were enough, but alas I want amazing, thrilling, out of this world, blows my mind, takes my breath away, is more than a polite smile and a kind gesture (though embodies those attributes as well

    And in fact what does she have to offer a man that is so great? The American white woman doesn’t even think about what she has to offer a man that makes her so great, why is she so much better than every other women in the world? she doesnt even ask the question because she is self centered and doesn’t really care about what men want. I ask what makes you so great a p—y? big deal 3,5 billion women on Earth have one and i assure you yours is not the best. Shes demanding, thankless unrealistic and doesn’t value men. Sadly for American women what she says most American women probably agree with.
    your just spoiled brats with inflated ego and self esteem due to the empower women feminist agenda, Im not a hater just the messenger telling you how it is, you will be left behind on the global stage of dating, I have been to many countries dated many women trust me I know what i am talking about.

    you are almost 30 have you compared the average 30 year old American white woman to the average 30 year old Asian woman? think about it!!

    But fortunately for American men Im telling you the truth there are many and I mean many Asian and Russian women way more attractive appreciative and pleasant than these thankless monsters that want you now. All you have to do is break free from these monsters and experience happiness for the first time in you life I did and so have many other men.
    In simple terms
    American woman stay away from me, mama let me be

  32. Andy_s permalink
    January 12, 2012 4:46 am

    Last comment, I understand a source of confusion for women, any woman can go to a bar tonight have sex with a good looking man way out of her league so she thinks this is the type of man she can get, this becomes her standard. But lets face it, to him he was almost drunk it was better than masturbation, been there done that, you let him use you like a dirty rag hes probably joking to his friends about the ugly and or fat and old woman he had sex with last night yes ITS YOU and he cant get rid of you he wants to forget you as soon as possible.
    This is another problem not experienced as much globally with women because in most countries believe it or not women are no where near as slutty as in America I know thats hard for you to accept sure they have their red light party girls and sexual districts but the average American women are about the biggest sluts in the world. its another result of feminism free love and all. This is not opinion its fact from experience and knowledge its not their fault its just the feminist culture.

  33. Andy_s permalink
    January 12, 2012 12:26 pm

    AND ok one more THING, Just consider me like a father figure. Most of you didnt have one since your mean mother ran him off or if you did have one he was nearly castrated CAUSE OF THIS EMPOWER WOMEN GARBAGE SO he was to hen pecked to give you the truth. I dont want sex from you, any American women so I dont even have to be nice, I dont have to say I like stupid animals other than for food. Or any other liberal feminist crap to get in your pants I dont what in your pants i will eat a dam cat, so listen up IM given you straight truth!!

    HOW STUPID ARE YOU? EVEN IF YOU FIND MR PERFECT, THE DEFINITION OF PERFECT MEANS HE IS FOCUSED ON YOU EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AT THE CENTER HE MIGHT BE TOO IGNORANT TO KNOW ANY BETTER FOR AWHILE, BUT AS SOON AS HE MEETS HIS FIRST ASIAN LADY OR RUSSIAN LADY THAT TREATS HIM LIKE A MAN OF VALUE CARES, ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS, GUESS WHAT HE IS GONE! SO EVEN IF YOU MET THIS DREAM GUY WHICH BY THE ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN,, ANY ASIAN LADY CAN AND WILL STEAL HIM IN A HEART BEAT!! IM NOT GOING TO SAY YOUR SELFISH CENTERED BLAH BLAH LETS JUST STATE THE TRUTH YOU CANT COMPETE WITH THESE WOMEN, BECAUSE YOU DON’T THINK YOU HAVE TO WELL YOU ARE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE! A REAL WAKE UP CALL IS COMING YOUR WAY YOUR DAYS OF BEING SPOILED ROTTEN BRATS ARE OVER.

  34. Andy_s permalink
    January 15, 2012 3:47 am

    just take a look at this you losers
    Ive been in much of Asia, I see it happening and I see it happening in US

    http://www.thailovelines.com/Frontinfo/thai-women-new-zealand.html

  35. September 7, 2014 6:10 am

    Pure BS, many of my female friends from abroad are amazed and in envy at the quality and quantity of USA men…

  36. November 4, 2014 6:15 am

    30? Imagine 64. Vietnam, drugs, drinking, gay men, selfish men, mental, men who prefer other country’s girls, Mama’s boys, swingers… and the list goes on for me. Each one a real kick in the ass. Hard to trust another, try and wind up back in the list. They don’t get better older from what I can see, and a few divorces may make it impossible economically. And another culture? That can be deadly if not torture.

  37. kwang permalink
    June 10, 2015 10:32 pm

    I think your fathers right. You will probably never give him grandkids at the pace and mindset you have. If you dont want to though, more power to you, but if your dream is to have kids then you’re in your prime years now. Don’t throw it away on aspirations that mr. Right comes along. Thats just in movies and fairy tails. Mr and mrs right have to work at it together.

    You see mother nature is cruel and unforgiving. She tells you, you have to have kids in your 20’s. Thats when you produce the healthiest and most amount of babies. But women today go onto ignore hervwarnings and seem to think careers are whats the most important. But you see, with how thr world is staged right now, it’s one or the other. Im reading this 5 years after so im curious to how your story played out.

    Also, if you find that men are treating you like dirt and cheat on you. Consider that it might be you and not them. Maybe they are just reciprocating what your dishing to them.

    Anyways good luck in your journey.

Trackbacks

  1. 10 Things I Learned in 2010 « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
  2. Passionate Discoveries and a Couple Shout Outs « Inside The Nice Guy

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