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Simply Solo Spotlight: Taking a Chance

December 21, 2010

I hope you guys enjoy today’s Simply Solo Spotlight, who has asked to remain anonymous. I love this story, because no matter how it turns out, this girl is my frickin’ hero.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

For a handful of years, I’ve been facing a situation that I’d wager almost every reader has experienced at some point. I’m a girl. I have a friend who’s a guy. And I’m interested in being more than friends.

As everyone knows, it’s never that simple. What if we gave the relationship a try, and it didn’t work out? Or even worse, ended badly? This guy is a close friend, and he’s extremely important to me. Moreover, our group of friends would be his in the metaphorical divorce; they’re a longtime, tight-knit bunch who adopted me when I moved to our city. Sure, I’d get partial custody. But a key part of my support system and social outlet would be changed forever.

 So I’ve said nothing. Wondered. Thought about how good we could be together. Analyzed all of the possible outcomes, should I say something. Wished he’d just make it easy and say something first.

Eventually, something’s gotta give. For me, one major factor was hearing B.o.B.’s “Airplanes, Pt. II,” featuring Eminem and Hayley Williams. The song has been out for a while, but I heard it several times in a short timespan. And one line in particular stayed with me. It echoed in my head at work. In the car. With my friends. In the shower.

“’Cause he never risked sh*t/ He hoped and he wished it/ But it didn’t fall in his lap/ So he ain’t even here …”

You wish for impossible things. What I wanted was not impossible. And I was just sitting back, waiting. For what? A fairy godmother to swoop in? When did I become so passive in my own life?

steel balls

Photo courtesy of Earthwatcher

So, a few days later, I grew a big ol’ set of steel cojones and just talked to my friend. Not in a scary way. More of a “Hey, have you ever thought about our being more than friends? I’d be interested in giving it a try if you would.” Simple and direct.

He was shell shocked, quite frankly, and completely unsure of what to do. The conversation that followed, though, was open and honest. Ultimately, he needed some time to process. He’s mulling things over as I write, trying to sort out what he wants.

Where does that leave me? Feeling like a ROCK STAR, my friends. Because as I drove away that night, I realized this: the answer isn’t really the point.

The point is that for the first time in a long time, I said, “this is something I WANT, and I have the power to DO something about it.” As nice as it would be, chances at happiness usually aren’t handed to any of us on a silver platter. The time was ripe to be bold.

As of this moment, I don’t actually know what will happen. It easily could go either way. I’m confident, based on our conversation, that should he decide that he’s not interested, we will be able to maintain our friendship. That is a huge relief.

(Let’s be honest – he should be flattered, right? Who doesn’t like to be liked?)

And, regardless of his answer, I can:

  • Stop wondering, analyzing and waiting
  • Be proud of my courage – it’s NOT easy to put yourself out there
  • Take this sense of empowerment and run with it

Soon it will be a new year, with the promise of new adventures. I’m really excited to swing those steel cojones around a bit more. The payoff is worth the risk.


32 Comments leave one →
  1. December 21, 2010 8:47 am

    Love, love, love this!

    Coming out of a broken engagement and still sort of playing the waiting game here (just easing myself back into singledom), I am inspired by your words. I find that I am more confident in my choices. I am going to be more assertive in my love life moving forward. If I am not into a guy, and he’s into me, I am not going to feel bad for saying ‘no thanks’. If I want to have fun with another person, I will, and will choose it on my own and not WAIT.

    So proud of you and I hope it all works out for the best!

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 4:55 pm

      Okay, you are the brave one, my friend! Best of luck as you venture out into your new world (nothing wrong with easing back in). Life is short, and love is too important to compromise. Sounds like you have a great perspective.

      Thanks for your encouragement!

  2. 2 New Beginnings permalink
    December 21, 2010 9:03 am

    Love your post! I too have grown some of those steel conjones this year as well! Doesn’t it feel amazing to take control of your life and go after what you want! I have always had a problem with letting other’s control my life, well this year that changed. I decided that it was time for me to take control and find happiness. You are right, it’s not always handed to us on a silver platter as we would all like to believe or wish at times. It’s up to us to find our happiness. I believe no matter the outcome of this situation with your friend, you are going to be alright! Just like me! Merry Christmas and thanks for inspiring me to keep on swinging those steel conjones. 😉

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 4:57 pm

      Yes! Yes! Swing those steel cojones. We need more of ’em out there. Well, metaphorically, anyway. 😉 I appreciate your kind words – no matter what comes out of my situation, I will have accomplished the most important part: getting an answer. Merry Christmas to you as well, and keep on taking charge!

  3. December 21, 2010 9:20 am

    good for you– here’s to taking chances 🙂

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 4:58 pm

      I. LOVE. YOUR. NAME. And having said that – thank you very much! 2011’s going to be a good one, I can feel it. 🙂

      • December 22, 2010 10:31 am

        aww, thanks! and yes, 2011 will be awesome– i’m determined for it to be so 🙂

  4. Danielle's Dish permalink
    December 21, 2010 9:45 am

    I really enjoyed this post and it made me realize I need to ‘grow a pair’ as well.

    Bravo! 🙂

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 5:00 pm

      Hahaha, let the circle be unbroken! The cojones metaphors are making my life right now. But good for you … I’ll tell you now, my heart was pounding at the moment I finally stuck my neck out, but that was nothing compared to the calm that came after. Go forth and conquer! Thanks for your response. 🙂

  5. duke1959 permalink
    December 21, 2010 9:51 am

    I had a situation in High School with a girl and we finally one day talked about it and decided that the friendship was to important than to take that romantic rollercoaster. Keep in mind you have no idea as to what is really going on in his life. We all have histories that are not always known.

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 5:04 pm

      You make an excellent point – and actually, he did bring up a few things in our conversation that I hadn’t known or thought about previously. For me at least, it was a matter of taking a calculated risk. There’s no such thing as 100% certainty, but I was sure enough to start the conversation. Friendships are never something to take lightly! But in my mind, it’s also not healthy for a friendship if one person harbors deeper feelings over a long period of time and never says anything. That also can have a negative impact. For my specific situation, we’ll just have to see what happens. 🙂

      Thanks for your thoughts!

  6. December 21, 2010 10:04 am

    I think you’re right. We’ve all pretty much sat in this seat at one time or another. I’m proud of you for taking control and putting yourself out there, because how could you ever possibly know without taking a chance? I hope the outcome exceeds your every expectation.

    Excellent. 🙂

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 5:07 pm

      Thank you so much! I love being told that I’m right. 😉 But doesn’t it make you smile, how much we all have in common? We’ve all been in this place.

      Honestly, I think the outcome has already exceeded my expectations – I had no idea how amazing it would feel to get this out in the open. But there’s more still to come, and I’m confident that no matter which way the wind blows, it’ll send me in the right direction.

      Wheeeeeee!

  7. December 21, 2010 10:05 am

    I loved this post, especially since the point is not that he either says yes or no – the point is that you FINALLY got this off of your chest and you can live without regrets. I wish everyone had the steel cajones that you do!! (I sure wish I did!!)

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 5:11 pm

      Oh, my dear – I think you have proven your mettle and beyond. I may have (recently acquired) steel cojones, but I don’t have the market on ’em. 2011 holds great things for both of us. I can feel it. 🙂

      PS – thank you. “The answer isn’t the point” is my favorite part of all of this. I felt like an evolved human being at that point. 😉

  8. duke1959 permalink
    December 21, 2010 10:13 am

    In the end it comes down to one thing. Is it worth losing a friendship? Another thing is that people choose sides in things every day. Keep in mind. Its you who has to live with what you decided that day when you put your head on your pillow.

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 5:14 pm

      I love the point/counterpoint you have going on! I think what you’re saying is exactly the same thing my friend himself is debating. It’s a vital question, especially when you’re talking about a close friend, not just a friend who’s really more of an acquaintance. I’m comfortable with my decision to lay it all out, but should we end up taking things to the next level, it’ll definitely need to be done thoughtfully and carefully.

      Thanks for the double-comment!

  9. December 21, 2010 10:42 am

    Wow, I agree, congrats on stepping up and asking for/expressing what you want. I think many people don’t do it, either because they’re too scared or because they don’t think they deserve to be happy. Like you said, whatever the answer, awesome job on taking control of your future! Hope you’ll drop back in and let us know the outcome.

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 5:16 pm

      You know what, I will definitely be back with an update at some point. Catherine, I’m committing to it! But only when I have something interesting to share. 🙂

      Thanks so much for the encouragement! Time passes by so quickly – there’s just no excuse for wasting too much of it. I don’t want to do that anymore. We’ll see what happens!

  10. Keep Your Woman permalink
    December 21, 2010 11:38 am

    While I cannot have enough RESPECT for you for making the decision to go after what you want – which is very good for you – don’t ask what his answer is going to be, better yet ask yourself why the DELAY? In all reality, you have to take a good look at this for what it is. You have feelings for him, and expressed your interest in finding out if there is MORE. If the feeling was mutual, or he felt the same way, there would be little to no hesitation. The fact that he’s not sure already says there’s not going to be the connection or relationship that you’re looking for. I mean, I’m sure it’s safe to say that your intentions of being with him do not revolve around a lack luster relationship that doesn’t work out and the your goal is to find someone who is slightly interested in you, right?

    The true victory here is in going after what you set out for. I wouldn’t waste your time looking for romance or feelings that just aren’t going to be there on the other end from the get…

    • SteelCojones permalink
      December 21, 2010 5:25 pm

      Ah, yes. You’ve hit on an argument that I actually had with myself long before the conversation took place. “Dude, if he wanted to be with you, don’t you think he would have gone for it by now?”

      But, in the end, I found I needed to get what I wanted out there. And I’m definitely glad that I did!

      Spoiler alert: honestly, I’m with you. At this point, I’m already in the mindset that it’s not happening. I’ve been there from the moment he didn’t launch himself on me immediately after I brought it up! And I’m totally okay with that outcome – there will be no forcing of anything that isn’t there. I’m not really waiting for anything (at this time of year, I barely have time to sit down, much less procure dates). The ball is now definitively in his court, and he can bring it up again whenever. I hope he has the corresponding cojones to have a conversation and “finalize” things at whatever time his overly analytical, engineer brain is resoved. 🙂

      The only question is, where do I go next? It may very well be time for an online dating adventure. That would be an interesting way to kick off the new year for sure. 😉

      Thanks for your very thoughtful and well reasoned response! The empowerment does NOT stop here, believe me.

  11. December 21, 2010 9:55 pm

    So you’re going to let all of us readers know when he answers right? I hope everything works out for you 🙂

  12. December 21, 2010 10:12 pm

    I think this is excellent. I don’t know when the last time I told someone I like them was… in fact, I am not sure that I have ever told anyone that I liked them. This is an amazing point for me to ponder!

  13. December 21, 2010 10:26 pm

    Great post – and just imagine, there are all these people rooting for your happiness. Not rooting for him to say yes (or to say no), but for your happiness regardless of the outcome.

    How good is that?

  14. December 21, 2010 10:51 pm

    Terrific post, SC. As a guy, no matter what my feelings were toward my female friend, I would definitely be flattered by her admission, and glad that she was brave enough to let me know. It certainly wouldn’t affect the friendship, if that was all I decided I wanted. So for her – a win/win. I hope it is for you, too.

  15. December 22, 2010 12:38 pm

    Aaah yeah, go girl! Thanks for sharing your story, SC. It is so hard to be brave, but then it always feels so great. I actually waited around for three years for the friend I had a crush on to ask ME out, and I’ll tell ya what, I am never going to be that girl again! Keep us updated and extend that bravery to other parts of your life!

  16. December 23, 2010 5:57 pm

    Girl! you’ve got guts! Thanks for sharing.

    Maybe one day if I meet a friend lke that I can have enough courage

  17. December 23, 2010 11:18 pm

    Hi Catherine – I just wanted to stop by to wish you a very Merry Christmas. I hope it’s a great one and I hope all your wishes come true. I really enjoy reading your blog! Happy Holidays!

    • December 29, 2010 11:39 pm

      Hey International Woman of Mystery 🙂 Thanks so much for stopping by and wishing me a Merry Christmas. I hope you had a great holiday too! Sorry took me so long to respond – I took a small break from the Internet during the holidays 🙂 I love your blog and I can’t wait to see what 2011 holds for you!

  18. December 24, 2010 3:50 am

    Love this post, of course I hope it works out but I’m glad she has the right attitude, it’s NOT the answer thats important. But having the confidence to just say what you want. You might not get it, but if you never ask then you’ll NEVER get it!

    Very inspiring post 🙂 x

  19. December 24, 2010 5:22 am

    Excellent! Well done. There is a saying that fortune favours the brave, and I think that is certainly true. Robert Redford makes a very poignant speech in ‘Indecent Proposal’ about his regret at never having had the courage to approach the girl on the subway who smiled at him and how that affected the rest of his life, which has alwways stayed with me; a real fear of missing that one golden opportunity. Coulda, woulda, shoulda just don’t count. Well done!

  20. December 27, 2010 4:41 pm

    I’m so proud of you!!! It does take balls – and regardless of the outcome, you will have no regrets. I was in a similar situation except it was a friend with benefits situation. I brought up being “more” and unfortunately he was perfectly fine with the situation. So I cut off the sex 🙂

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