Simply Solo Spotlight: Three Man Strategy
This week’s Simply Solo Spotlight is Kate Minx. Kate offers great perspective on fulfilling your needs while you are searching for the one. Before reading this piece, I never put much thought into how much pressure we put on the person we are dating to satisfy all of our needs. No wonder we have such a hard time finding just the right person! I hope you’ll enjoy her post and her “three man strategy.” Oh, and I’m mildly obsessed with her use of the term “poppycock”!
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: email@example.com.
Three Man Strategy
Okay, I have a bone to pick with Catherine. There was a post a few weeks ago about a shortage of good men. To her (and to all of you who agree), I say, poppycock! There are so many amazing men in our neighborhoods, our country, and throughout the world. You just have to know how to find them and how to love them and bask in their fabulousness until you find “Mr. Right” (if that’s what you’re going for, as implied by the post).
Not all of the fabulous men out there will be “Mr. Right,” obviously. Until you find that one person who you believe will fulfill you in almost every way (and feels that way in return about you), there are ways to build a support system of men to do the job. Sort of like cobbling together one man out of a few. I will always contend that one man is never enough for anyone, because there will always be fathers, coworkers, and friends who may support you in ways that a husband or sig O will never be able to. So, you might as well build that network while you are single!
I once heard that a single woman should keep three men at the ready until she starts to settle down with one. The idea was that you will not appear as desperate or clingy to one if you have other possibilities. Well, I’m not sure about that, but I have put my own twist to this theory and it’s working out very well for me in the short-term. I asked Catherine if I could share how I do it. I love being single, I love dating men, and I like the freedom. Will I settle down if I find the right one? Of course! But I haven’t gotten there yet, and in the meantime my “three man strategy” seems to be working! Here are the three types of men I keep around:
A man around the house. I have lived with Dave for more than three years. I love him dearly like I’ve loved no other man. In fact, three years is longer than any romantic relationship in which I’ve ever been, so that means something! Since Dave knows me like no other person, he’s my go-to for all man advice. I gossip with him; he knows all about my friends, family, and the boys that come and go. Best of all, he’s my man around the house, taking out the trash, lifting heavy things, opening jars, and changing light bulbs I can’t reach.
At the end of the day, we check in with each other. He yells hello when he walks in the door, and generally keeps the quiet in my house away. If I go missing for a day or two, he knows to look for me. As a single woman, it is always good to have one of those in case you do not show up to work one day!
Throughout these three years, one or both of us have been in other relationships, so it probably will not work out for us romantically. We are strictly platonic and always have been. Oddly enough, we never refer to each other as a friend or brother/sister. It is a much deeper bond than those words could describe.
A man for the bedroom. I like to keep at least one man around for the physical stuff. I dated Kevin last year, and although we have tons in common and were great between the sheets, we just had no conversational chemistry. It was the weirdest thing, because I can talk with anyone! But when things do not work out in one way, they can work out in another. I trust Kevin to no end, and we have remained friends since. I know I will never want to date Kevin again, so we share other things while both of us look for long-term love. We just happen to be friends that sleep together!
A man about town. I enjoy going out to new restaurants or having fun activity partners to explore and create adventures together. I date quite a bit, especially online, so the third person comes and goes. Currently, I am seeing Josh and a few other folks casually. I always want new first dates to work out and go into each date with a positive attitude! But, if it does not work out, it is okay because I get so much of what I need from the other guys (my friend calls this keeping the “man stank” on you so the men can smell their competition!). This is the category that remains open for long-term potential.
I know this is not a sustainable way to live, and it is not for everyone. Behavioral therapists all over are going crazy right now, I’m sure! From the outside, this can look pretty sad, or lonely, or against nature, or whorish, or shallow, or the reason for our society’s downfall. Again, I say, poppycock! I have read lots of articles and books about how our generation hooks up, and I am certain I am normal for my situation.
The point is, we all have different ways to deal with being alone, this just happens to be mine. Dave knows about everyone, Kevin knows about Dave, and the guys I date do not know about the others until the time is right. Ultimately, I want to date a man who replaces Kevin, then replaces Dave over time. That man needs to be pretty cool to replace Kevin, and even more awesome to make me kick Dave out of my house. I love each of these guys in their own way, so it is a good check and balance system.
I also have a whole council of other men who support me. I have my married work husband that is my go-to for all things work and home-related. I have my best platonic friend who acts as a girlfriend for home décor shopping, house tours, and other drag-a-date-out outings. I have long distance guy friends who counsel me through times when balancing all these guys gets to be too much and I need a fresh opinion! And of course, I have the best guy of them all, my Dad, who has been a wonderful example by treating my mother so well for more than 35 years.
However, the other day I had a terrible, terrible day and all I wanted was to sit and cry in someone’s arms and be told that everything would be okay. Each of these guys reached out, but not in the way that I needed at that time. I do not have a man who has committed that he will support me unconditionally, and that is why I keep looking for long-term love. I am very excited to meet that person because he will need to be pretty awesome to live up to all the wonderful men in my life! So, yes, there are some amazing, fantastic men out there. Just not all of them will be the one, and thank goodness for that! I get to enjoy each of the men in my life for their different strengths.