Simply Solo Spotlight: The Great Unknown
Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Chris over at Just Me 365. Chris got divorced last year after being married for 12 years and having two boys with his ex. After a tough ending with his ex-wife, Chris is rebuilding his life at the age of 37. What impresses me the most about Chris is how hopeful he is about the future. When I asked him to write a guest post about his perspective on love and relationships, he decided to focus on the unknown. I think it’s an interesting take and I really enjoyed his guest post.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Great Unknown
We still seem to be confused about our relationships. And obsessed. Trying to figure them out. Trying to figure out whether we want to be in or out of one. Trying to figure out why we are in or out of one. Searching for the key and balance to having a loving and lasting relationship and experimenting with our heart and mind as the scale. Looking for that balance and the right fit. Sometimes looking for perfection. Sometimes settling for a warm body. Neither of which is healthy.
Relationships are confusing because they are living, breathing things. And it is not just about us. It involves other people. Other variables. Too many intangible unknowns. Yet we crave them. The touch and feel of another person. The relief that you are not alone. The instant “click” where the world comes into focus, you take a deep breath, and wear a contented smile. A new part awakens and you have the rush of living.
And it scares the bejesus out of us. Because, we want them. We want to not want them. The great unknown. Never quite figured out like our grandmother’s recipe for lemon meringue pie. Never quite solid enough to guarantee we won’t get hurt. Never quite to the point where we can say, “This is what works.” But, there are some things that are sure.
If you pretend in a relationship, your relationship is pretend. Eventually, all the makeup comes off. The best foot forward gets followed by your worst foot. Lies become unraveled and exposed. Objects really are closer than they appear in the mirror. Pedestals fall. All that is left is just you. Which is scary cool. Why cool? Because, in a true relationship, everything that you think is good or bad is erased. And that person loves you for the real you. The you that even you have trouble with.
To even begin a relationship, you have to trust yourself. Trust yourself to be honest. Trust yourself to succeed. Trust yourself to fail. Trust yourself to do not only the right thing for you, but care enough to do the right thing for others. Know that, at some point, you will get hurt and that you will still be OK.
Relationships are not about you and me. They are about us. “Us” requires a different mindset. A mindset that requires forgiveness. Trust. Honesty. Faith. Belief. Selflessness. Love. Truth. Patience. Kindness. For ourselves. For our partner. For the relationship.
Relationships are not about dependence, but independence. Just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t make you dependent. It should, in fact, foster your independence. The person you love and who loves you in return didn’t fall in love with “us.” They fell in love with you. The irrepressible, independent, wonderful you. You should be able to look at that person and say, “You are where I can be myself.”
The relationship, and who you are in the relationship, is always a choice. There should never be, “I have to, because.” It should always be, “I choose to, because.” We would rather find blame than grow a pair.
The only control you have is of yourself. You cannot make someone else feel, do, want, or be someone you want them to be. So be yourself and allow them to be themselves. Relationships are about sharing. About support. About going the same way. Not about getting your way.
I hope this helps at least one person. We often try to make things too difficult. Just relax. Trust. Believe. Try. And enjoy the ride.