I’ve been a bad blogger as of late. There are all sorts of loose ends floating around. I mean, I told you all about my birthday preparations, but then never told you how it was! I asked everyone what I should do with my wedding cake deposit, but never told you what I did! I also hinted that Chef and I are still hanging out, and then I never gave you any details! Well, I’m going to right that wrong this second.
Okay, maybe not this second. Before I go any further, something else is going on. It’s big. Well, not really. But it’s big for me. This is my 100th post on the blog. About 40 posts ago, I remember reading Cocktails at Tiffany’s post about their upcoming 100th post. They wanted to do something big and exciting for it, and this was my comment:
I think it’s funny that you have put so much effort into your 100th post. Mine will probably be (in about 40 posts from now): “I’m tired of being emo. I’ve used up all my funmy (what there was of it). I have no more words. I’m retiring Simply Solo.” LOL
Yes, I spelled funny wrong. WordPress needs to add spell check to their comments, damn it! But, I’m happy to report, I’m nowhere near ready to retire Simply Solo. I think [aka hope] I have some funny left, and I’m sure that I’ve got plenty of emo left, whether I like it or not. I wanted to take a moment to say thank you all for reading and commenting. You are so funny, insightful, moving, engaging, amazing and wonderful … I could go on all day. Happy 100th post to you all – thanks for joining me on this journey!
Oh, and a few of you mentioned my new header. I figured if I have been able to keep this blog going for 100 posts, I should probably put a little more effort into the look and feel of the site. My colleague and friend Elizabeth Coffey from Elizabeth Coffey Design was gracious enough to help me develop a new logo and some marketing materials for the blog. Reading this on your e-mail? Thanks for subscribing, but come on over to the site to check out the new look!
Okay, enough procrastinating. Time to tie up some loose ends.
First of all, my birthday was amazing! It was such a fun week and I was able to spend some much-needed time with friends and family. As you’ll remember, I had close to $300 in a deposit that was supposed to go toward my wedding cake. I asked you all to vote as to what I should do with my deposit (as I couldn’t get the money back). Well, I got not one cake, but two! I had a birthday cake made for myself and another for my mom’s surprise 50th birthday party. It was such a good use of the money. Both cakes were delicious and beautiful. I hope you enjoy the pictures! (More updates after the jump.)
Now, Chef. Ahh … where to start? It’s been about two months since I officially broke up with him. Needless to say, we are still seeing each other, albeit not as frequently as we were before. I’m spending much more time by myself and loving it. I really enjoy having the time to do whatever I want to do. Not that I’ve been doing anything that productive, but it’s still been nice. The main reason I haven’t written about still seeing Chef is because I really don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to define it. We’re not “together” in the sense that there are no titles. We are both free to do whatever we want, and there is a mutual understanding that we will tell one another if we start seeing someone else. Something about simply not being his girlfriend, or anyone’s girlfriend, appeals to me. It makes me feel calmer and much less pressured. I don’t feel obligated to move this relationship forward, and I’m just enjoying the time we have together now. And, I’m enjoying our time apart. It’s complicated.
I should give you more of the backstory. Now that some time has passed, I have a much better perspective on why I made the decisions I made. First, the timeline: Around the time I broke up with Chef, I was really struggling with my first holiday without my ex fiancé. Wednesday, December 1, my ex fiancé dropped something off at my house, and it really affected me. It reminded me of how much I missed him and suddenly I was incredibly sad again.
Friday, December 3, I went out for drinks with some friends. I got drunk. Stupid drunk. And, I’m ashamed to admit, at some point in the night, it sounded like a fun idea to drive by my ex’s house. In my drunken state, I wanted to see if he was home late on a Friday night. If he was, I wanted to see if he was home alone. I know, I’m crazytown. You don’t have to tell me. So, a drunken trip to my ex’s house revealed he was home – and not alone. There was another car out front, one I didn’t recognize. I don’t know whose it was (and clearly, it’s not my business), but after many drinks, I became incredibly upset. Sobbing, drunken mess upset. Also that night, one of my closest friends and I had some serious conversations about how she thought I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. She thought that I needed to learn how to love myself and be by myself. I incredibly value my friend’s opinion, and as we discussed this, it was as though she were verbalizing all the thoughts in my head. And, I began to wonder if I should end things with Chef. I don’t blame my friend for this at all – she was only giving me her honest opinion, and in many ways, she was right.
Saturday, December 4, I was super hungover and felt like crap most of the morning. And, I often feel depressed the day after I drink. I didn’t realize this about myself until my mom pointed it out recently. I told her I was incredibly sad, and I didn’t know why. She was kind enough to say, “Catherine, you drank last night. You are always sad after you drink. Don’t you know this?” It was like an epiphany. So, much of Saturday, I was hungover and feeling quite down. I was also super embarrassed about my stalker drive-by the night before. I spent much of the day questioning the reasons I was with Chef and feeling really unsure about our relationship.
Cut to Sunday, December 5. Chef came over to spend Sunday with me, like he does every Sunday. He asked me what my friends think of him, and I mentioned that while they like him, they are more concerned with if I’m ready. He asked me, “Well, what do you think? Are you ready?” To which, I began to cry. And without really planning it completely, I told him I didn’t think I was ready. And I broke up with him.
But I still loved him. I was so sad to end things with him. After some time, we began to see each other sporadically. We agreed that we didn’t want to be completely out of each other’s lives. I took him out for his birthday just before Christmas, and at dinner, he turned to me and said, “I know that we’re pretending here. We’re pretending that we’re still together and we’re not. What if we just kept pretending through the holidays?” I know it sounds terrible, but it sounded like a wonderful idea. I had Christmas gifts I had already bought that I wanted to give him. And, at the end of the day, I loved him. I didn’t want to miss out on the holidays with someone I loved. Also, I had started to feel better. The pain of seeing my ex had passed and I was getting more comfortable with being without him for the holidays.
So we pretended. And in ways, maybe we’re still pretending. We have a standing hang out date every Sunday. We talk at least once a day. Otherwise, I do my thing and he does his. We’re not talking about next steps in our relationship and we are having fun spending time together. A lot of the guilt I felt about not being ready for the amount of love he was giving me is gone now – because I have spoken up. I have been honest. And that’s really all I can do.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should have broken up with him. Or if a conversation telling him that I needed things to slow down (dramatically) would have done the trick. I wonder if the timeline had been a little different, maybe if I hadn’t seen my ex that week, maybe if I hadn’t been really drunk and driven by his house, maybe if I hadn’t been depressed and hungover all day Saturday, maybe if I hadn’t had long conversations with my friend about how I was so unsure if I was ready … maybe I wouldn’t have broken up with him. I’m not sure. The situation is as it is right now, and I’m happy to not have a boyfriend. But yes, I’m aware that until one of us crosses the line and decides to see someone else, we’re basically exactly where we were two months ago. The whole thing sort of gives me a headache thinking about it. Now, I understand why there is a setting on Facebook for “It’s complicated.”
Now, the loose ends have been tied. I’m exhausted. No wonder I put off writing this post for so long.