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Loose Ends

February 10, 2011

I’ve been a bad blogger as of late. There are all sorts of loose ends floating around. I mean, I told you all about my birthday preparations, but then never told you how it was! I asked everyone what I should do with my wedding cake deposit, but never told you what I did! I also hinted that Chef and I are still hanging out, and then I never gave you any details! Well, I’m going to right that wrong this second.

Okay, maybe not this second. Before I go any further, something else is going on. It’s big. Well, not really. But it’s big for me. This is my 100th post on the blog. About 40 posts ago, I remember reading Cocktails at Tiffany’s post about their upcoming 100th post. They wanted to do something big and exciting for it, and this was my comment:

I think it’s funny that you have put so much effort into your 100th post. Mine will probably be (in about 40 posts from now): “I’m tired of being emo. I’ve used up all my funmy (what there was of it). I have no more words. I’m retiring Simply Solo.” LOL 

Yes, I spelled funny wrong. WordPress needs to add spell check to their comments, damn it! But, I’m happy to report, I’m nowhere near ready to retire Simply Solo. I think [aka hope] I have some funny left, and I’m sure that I’ve got plenty of emo left, whether I like it or not. I wanted to take a moment to say thank you all for reading and commenting. You are so funny, insightful, moving, engaging, amazing and wonderful … I could go on all day. Happy 100th post to you all – thanks for joining me on this journey!

Oh, and a few of you mentioned my new header. I figured if I have been able to keep this blog going for 100 posts, I should probably put a little more effort into the look and feel of the site. My colleague and friend Elizabeth Coffey from Elizabeth Coffey Design was gracious enough to help me develop a new logo and some marketing materials for the blog. Reading this on your e-mail? Thanks for subscribing, but come on over to the site to check out the new look!

Okay, enough procrastinating. Time to tie up some loose ends.

First of all, my birthday was amazing! It was such a fun week and I was able to spend some much-needed time with friends and family. As you’ll remember, I had close to $300 in a deposit that was supposed to go toward my wedding cake. I asked you all to vote as to what I should do with my deposit (as I couldn’t get the money back). Well, I got not one cake, but two! I had a birthday cake made for myself and another for my mom’s surprise 50th birthday party. It was such a good use of the money. Both cakes were delicious and beautiful. I hope you enjoy the pictures! (More updates after the jump.)

birthday cake, ice cream cake

This is the ice cream cake my friend Dawn got me for my actual birthday. Cookies and cream yumminess!

birthday cake

Here's the birthday cake I got for myself from Cakes By Graham. Love the butterflies!

birthday cake

A close up to show you my favorite part - the swiss dots.

birthday cake and me

Me with my birthday cake at my party. Couldn't be happier!

birthday cake

My mom's birthday cake at her 50th surprise birthday party

birthday cake

Here's a close up of her cake. It was like the best tasting cake ever, and bigger than mine, since her party had more guests. I think I ate a total of three pieces!

Now, Chef. Ahh … where to start? It’s been about two months since I officially broke up with him. Needless to say, we are still seeing each other, albeit not as frequently as we were before. I’m spending much more time by myself and loving it. I really enjoy having the time to do whatever I want to do. Not that I’ve been doing anything that productive, but it’s still been nice. The main reason I haven’t written about still seeing Chef is because I really don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to define it. We’re not “together” in the sense that there are no titles. We are both free to do whatever we want, and there is a mutual understanding that we will tell one another if we start seeing someone else. Something about simply not being his girlfriend, or anyone’s girlfriend, appeals to me. It makes me feel calmer and much less pressured. I don’t feel obligated to move this relationship forward, and I’m just enjoying the time we have together now. And, I’m enjoying our time apart. It’s complicated.

I should give you more of the backstory. Now that some time has passed, I have a much better perspective on why I made the decisions I made. First, the timeline: Around the time I broke up with Chef, I was really struggling with my first holiday without my ex fiancé. Wednesday, December 1, my ex fiancé dropped something off at my house, and it really affected me. It reminded me of how much I missed him and suddenly I was incredibly sad again.

Friday, December 3, I went out for drinks with some friends. I got drunk. Stupid drunk. And, I’m ashamed to admit, at some point in the night, it sounded like a fun idea to drive by my ex’s house. In my drunken state, I wanted to see if he was home late on a Friday night. If he was, I wanted to see if he was home alone. I know, I’m crazytown. You don’t have to tell me. So, a drunken trip to my ex’s house revealed he was home – and not alone. There was another car out front, one I didn’t recognize. I don’t know whose it was (and clearly, it’s not my business), but after many drinks, I became incredibly upset. Sobbing, drunken mess upset. Also that night, one of my closest friends and I had some serious conversations about how she thought I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. She thought that I needed to learn how to love myself and be by myself. I incredibly value my friend’s opinion, and as we discussed this, it was as though she were verbalizing all the thoughts in my head. And, I began to wonder if I should end things with Chef. I don’t blame my friend for this at all – she was only giving me her honest opinion, and in many ways, she was right.

Saturday, December 4, I was super hungover and felt like crap most of the morning. And, I often feel depressed the day after I drink. I didn’t realize this about myself until my mom pointed it out recently. I told her I was incredibly sad, and I didn’t know why. She was kind enough to say, “Catherine, you drank last night. You are always sad after you drink. Don’t you know this?” It was like an epiphany. So, much of Saturday, I was hungover and feeling quite down. I was also super embarrassed about my stalker drive-by the night before. I spent much of the day questioning the reasons I was with Chef and feeling really unsure about our relationship.

Cut to Sunday, December 5. Chef came over to spend Sunday with me, like he does every Sunday. He asked me what my friends think of him, and I mentioned that while they like him, they are more concerned with if I’m ready. He asked me, “Well, what do you think? Are you ready?” To which, I began to cry. And without really planning it completely, I told him I didn’t think I was ready. And I broke up with him.

But I still loved him. I was so sad to end things with him. After some time, we began to see each other sporadically. We agreed that we didn’t want to be completely out of each other’s lives. I took him out for his birthday just before Christmas, and at dinner, he turned to me and said, “I know that we’re pretending here. We’re pretending that we’re still together and we’re not. What if we just kept pretending through the holidays?” I know it sounds terrible, but it sounded like a wonderful idea. I had Christmas gifts I had already bought that I wanted to give him. And, at the end of the day, I loved him. I didn’t want to miss out on the holidays with someone I loved. Also, I had started to feel better. The pain of seeing my ex had passed and I was getting more comfortable with being without him for the holidays.

So we pretended. And in ways, maybe we’re still pretending. We have a standing hang out date every Sunday. We talk at least once a day. Otherwise, I do my thing and he does his. We’re not talking about next steps in our relationship and we are having fun spending time together. A lot of the guilt I felt about not being ready for the amount of love he was giving me is gone now – because I have spoken up. I have been honest. And that’s really all I can do.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should have broken up with him. Or if a conversation telling him that I needed things to slow down (dramatically) would have done the trick. I wonder if the timeline had been a little different, maybe if I hadn’t seen my ex that week, maybe if I hadn’t been really drunk and driven by his house, maybe if I hadn’t been depressed and hungover all day Saturday, maybe if I hadn’t had long conversations with my friend about how I was so unsure if I was ready … maybe I wouldn’t have broken up with him. I’m not sure. The situation is as it is right now, and I’m happy to not have a boyfriend. But yes, I’m aware that until one of us crosses the line and decides to see someone else, we’re basically exactly where we were two months ago. The whole thing sort of gives me a headache thinking about it. Now, I understand why there is a setting on Facebook for “It’s complicated.”

Now, the loose ends have been tied. I’m exhausted. No wonder I put off writing this post for so long.


64 Comments leave one →
  1. February 10, 2011 9:23 am

    Those cakes look delicious!

    I’m glad you blogged about Chef, too, because I was wondering what was going on there.

    As long as you’re both happy, I think you and Chef are ok. =) It doesn’t matter how you label it.

    • February 13, 2011 8:19 pm

      Thanks, thoughtsappear! The cakes were very yummy. I wish we’d frozen some to eat later, but they both went pretty quickly! Appreciate your comment.

  2. February 10, 2011 9:41 am

    YUMMY looking cakes! I think you made the right choice!

    So glad things are still going well-ish with Chef. My husband & I never really defined our relationship. It drove my SIL crazy…”So are boy/girlfriend? Are you just buddies? Arrrggghhhh What is the status of your relationship?”…We were just together, we didn’t see other people, we just liked being together. I think when we got engaged then married were we finally defined (our engagement only lasted a week before we got married).

    Good luck and enjoy your time, no need to define anything until you re ready.

    • February 13, 2011 8:21 pm

      Thank, The Mommy! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your words – makes me feel a lot better 🙂

  3. February 10, 2011 9:50 am

    Congratulations on 100 posts! And another great example of why I’m glad that you’re inviting us to follow your journey: I really admire how candid you can be when writing about what’s been going on for you. Thank you for sharing these experiences with us – it’s not always an easy thing to do (as I’m suddenly finding out for myself!)

    • February 13, 2011 8:23 pm

      Thank you Matt! You are right – it’s not always easy. It’s kind of funny, some posts that you think would be tough to put out there, those are easy, but some (like this one) should be a cinch but I struggle with it. I’ve been enjoying reading about your blogger dating adventures 🙂

  4. February 10, 2011 9:55 am

    It’s nice to hear that other people visit Crazytown too – I’ve certainly been there at times in my life! And for me as well, drinking usually has a lot to do with it.

    I think your relationship with Chef sounds pretty healthy. One day at a time.

    Congratulations on your 100th post!

    • February 13, 2011 8:27 pm

      Vinomom – Glad I’m not the only one who made the unfortunate turn into Crazytown one or more times 🙂 Haha, kind of hard to admit my crazy on the blog, but it’s always good to then hear that I’m not the only one. Thanks for the congrats!

  5. Chad permalink
    February 10, 2011 10:53 am

    My dr. told me that alcohol is classified as a depressant. That would explain the day after effects. Love your blog as always.

    • February 13, 2011 8:27 pm

      Chad, that definitely explains it. Thanks for your comment and for reading!

  6. Grey Goose, Dirty permalink
    February 10, 2011 11:18 am

    Those cakes are awesome looking!

    Thanks for the updates. I think your arrangement (?) with Chef sounds like a good one. For now. Until you can get a better handle on things and what you want. I think talking every day and hanging out once a week sounds pretty perfect (does he have a brother?).

    Oh, and congrats on your 100th post! Don’t you worry, you’re nowhere near out of funny or emo!

    • February 13, 2011 8:29 pm

      Grey Goose, Dirty:
      Appreciate the comment! Chef does have a brother, but he’s SUPER young. When he’s legal, I’ll send him your way 🙂

  7. mom permalink
    February 10, 2011 11:27 am

    Thank you so much, I absolutely loved the Birthday cake. In fact I kept the flowers and name tag, just can’t seem to through them out. I think they’ll last forever 🙂 congratulations on your 100th post. Love the new outline &
    We love you…
    Mom& Kev

    • February 13, 2011 8:32 pm

      Mom, I’m glad you liked your birthday cake! Your tasted even better than mine did. I want more!! Love you 🙂

  8. February 10, 2011 11:39 am

    I really don’t think you are pretending at all! It sounds to me like what you are doing is perfect for you right now. Chef sounds like a nice guy and more importantly a good friend. It is the best of both worlds with him! You are getting the chance to have some freedom and be on your own but you are also able to have a great guy in your life to have fun with! What a great place to be in!

    • February 13, 2011 8:36 pm

      Cortney,
      Thanks so much for your comment. That’s the way I see it right now and I have to admit that I’m pretty satisfied with where everything is right now. I’ll figure out the rest when I actually have to 🙂

  9. Lost in France permalink
    February 10, 2011 12:21 pm

    First off the cakes are spectacular, especially the one you got your Mum.

    As for Chef. It would seem that you really were not ready for a full on relationship. Hearts take time to heal just as with anything else you break.

    So being honest with yourself and honest with Chef is the only way forward.

    And ultimately if it works for you, then enjoy it and do not think about it too much. Keep being honest and open with each other and frankly who cares what anyone else thinks.

    • February 13, 2011 8:38 pm

      Lost,
      They were really spectacular, thanks. I really enjoyed them and I’m so happy I was able to use the money to benfit not just me but my mother as well 🙂
      Thanks for your comments on Chef… it’s working for us, so I’m going to try and not stress too much about it. I’ve always worried what people think, but I’m starting to finally learn how to care less and less!

  10. February 10, 2011 12:30 pm

    Catherine, all of this sounds healthy. I’m just so proud of you. Finding out what you need can be a messy process, but look at how far you’ve come in the past few months. Bravo for enjoying your time alone in addition to the time you spend with others.

  11. February 10, 2011 12:30 pm

    So, I am going to throw this out there. It’s tough to be alone, and it’s even tougher if you know that there is a guy right outside your door waiting to love you. But if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. Just be on the lookout and constantly check in with yourself and him to determine what you each need. I think it’s hard to maintain an “inbetween” relationship for any decent amount of time.

    • February 13, 2011 8:40 pm

      Anne Taite,
      I hear you completely. You’ve definitely voiced some of my concerns. I appreciate your thoughts… right now this arrangement feels right and I’m happy. Taking it one day at a time 🙂

  12. Zak permalink
    February 10, 2011 1:19 pm

    Catherine, I’m glad I found your blog. Not only is it well written and entertaining, but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one dealing with divorces, new relationships and just going through the motions of figuring myself out.

    As for the last paragraph you wrote, while I don’t believe things are destined to happen and that we have no control over them, I do believe things happen (even if subconciously) and we let them affect us in ways that hopefully help us, even if we don’t know it at the time.

    My ex used to say something, and as much as I have no intention of getting involved with her again, it doesn’t change her impact. She said right person, right place, right time. If Chef is the right guy, maybe it’s just not the right time or place yet. That part will work itself out one way or another when YOU are ready, as you are well aware. I’m still trying to figure out the HOW myself, so I can’t help you there 🙂

    Goodluck and thanks for writing.

    • February 13, 2011 8:44 pm

      Zak,
      Thanks for your comment and kind words. Right person, right place, right time sounds wonderful, and I hope that happens for the both of us. Seems a little ambitious now, to be honest :). And, you definitely aren’t alone dealing with the end of important relationships and trying to figure out new ones…. A lot of my readers are struggling with the same. We’ll all figure it out – we’ve got to 🙂
      Appreciate your reading and commenting. Take care and good luck!

  13. February 10, 2011 1:22 pm

    The older I get the more I think that if your ex doesn’t make you at least a little crazy there is something wrong with you. Good luck with chef. But don’t forget about Catherine. Your friend is right that you need to love yourself and I think you do. But don’t forget! Keep it up.

    If a person doesn’t love him- or herself they can never completely love someone else. And they can never completely experience to love that another person has for them. Keep it up, you deserve all the love.

    • February 13, 2011 8:48 pm

      Crystal,
      Thank you mucho 🙂 Haha, this is probably the craziest thing I’ve done since the break up (the drunken drive by) and I almost didn’t admit it here. Thing is, I can’t just admit the good – I have to own the bad too. So what, I’m a little nuts? Aren’t we all?? Appreciate your words about loving yourself… I’m definitely getting better in this regard. It’s also possible that I don’t give myself enough credit.
      Appreciate your thoughts, as always, my dear!

  14. February 10, 2011 1:42 pm

    I think that what you and Chef have right now is perfect for you at this stage of your life. In fact, I’m a little bit jealous – it’s almost like you’re getting the best of both worlds. In any case, you need time to figure things out, and this setup is ideal for that.

    Happy 100th!

    • February 13, 2011 8:49 pm

      Mark,
      Thank you!! Loving that I made it to 100 posts… I’m not sure I ever thought this blog would last that long! Appreciate your words about Chef and me… it makes me happy and is working for me, so I’m just going to go with it for now!

  15. February 10, 2011 3:12 pm

    Congrats on 100! And this is what I needed, as I took a turn towards Crazytown a few weeks back and am slowly but surely rounding the bend towards Normalville. I think I just need to remind myself that it takes time and it does get better/easier.

    I think what you have with Chef is very good, as well. My only sage advice is that when things aren’t clear-cut (no titles), there can be misunderstandings when one or both deviate from the current plan. Just make sure you two wonderful people are on the same page, that single and close is what you’re looking for, and honesty is the best policy. Other than that, have fun, and enjoy it!

    • February 13, 2011 8:52 pm

      KD,
      Welcome back to Normalville. Every once in awhile, we make a wrong turn into Crazytown. The key thing is to make sure you don’t stay long enough to establish residency or anything…. just visit the locals, have a drink, and head back to Normalville ASAP :). Trust me, you aren’t alone. At least you recognize it… as I did…. and we can move along and be a little less crazy 🙂
      Honesty is the best policy… exactly. That’s what makes this all work, I think!

  16. February 10, 2011 3:17 pm

    It’s worth noting that I feel like what Catherine and I have is perfect. I feel loved, I love her back and we have a mutual understanding. Anything great is worth waiting for and requires a little hard work. Catherine, thanks for finally writing something about our situation and I agree with everything you have said. You are the most awesome person I know. And your cakes were fabulous! Happy trails…

    • February 13, 2011 8:54 pm

      Random Cook,
      You are too kind. Thanks for your thoughtful comment and for allowing me to write about us. 🙂 You mean a lot to me and I’m happy for what we have… however you definite it!

  17. February 10, 2011 3:38 pm

    Those cakes look DELISH! Good luck with your whole sitch miss, you’ll figure it out in the end 🙂 As long as you’re happy I think you’re on the right track!

    x

    • February 13, 2011 8:55 pm

      Thanks, Caity! They were delicious – just looking at them makes me want more!!

  18. February 10, 2011 6:17 pm

    Those cakes look amazing!! Congratulations on 100 posts. 🙂 I love reading your blog.

  19. eternallyemo permalink
    February 10, 2011 8:14 pm

    Congrats on your 100th post! I’m glad you decided not to retire — I got to 20 posts and I’m already giving up! But that’s a good thing…I think.

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but I feel comforted by the knowledge that pretty, intelligent, well-adjusted women have stalker moments. It makes me feel slightly less guilty about having my own bouts with craziness, lol.

    And those cakes do look yummy!

    • February 13, 2011 9:29 pm

      Thanks, Eternally! I take that only in the best way. I also am comforted when I find out that people I identify as “normal” do some crazy stuff. Makes me feel more well adjusted myself haha

  20. February 10, 2011 8:41 pm

    Love! and Love the new look. Or is it not new anymore? I haven’t blogged in forever…but need to say Hi to you 🙂 (((hugs)))

    • February 13, 2011 9:30 pm

      SimplyStacia,
      Thanks so much! The look is still new-ish… meant too anounce it earlier but kept forgetting 🙂 So glad you dropped by, and happy tosee you blogging again 🙂

  21. Dawn permalink
    February 10, 2011 9:33 pm

    HAPPY 100th POST and it was one I was able to catch…woohoo, Love you girlie!

  22. February 10, 2011 10:05 pm

    Life is complicated, but at least you got to eat cake!

  23. February 10, 2011 10:29 pm

    I was in the same situation with worrying about naming what the relationship was. Something with a name lets us have a certain amount of control that we love to have and is easy to explain. Here is what worked for me. “I am with someone who makes me happy…and she just so happens to feel the same way.” Not the answer everyone wants to hear but it is accurate and works for us. Congratulations on your 100th post, Catherine.

    • February 13, 2011 9:33 pm

      Chris,
      I love what you said here. That’s a great way of putting it. Thanks for sharing!

  24. February 11, 2011 12:10 am

    Congrats on 100! Glad you persisted with it and did not close your blog down… look how many people are supporting you out there in the cyber-world! 🙂

    • February 13, 2011 9:34 pm

      Thank you littlecurio! I do feel very fortunate to have all this support — it has changed my entire life and perspective!

  25. Nikki permalink
    February 11, 2011 10:56 am

    Those cakes look sooooo good! Makes me crave something sweet. Happy Belated Birthday!

    I’m glad to hear a Chef update- I’m rooting for you guys!

    As far as driving by your exes house, don’t worry. We all take a little side trip to Crazytown now and then.

    Best Wishes!
    Nickie

    • February 13, 2011 9:36 pm

      Nickie,
      Thanks – these cakes were awesome. I’m already trying to find a reason to order another one :). Thanks for your reassurance on my side trip to Crazytown – just happy I came back! Appreciate your comment, your reading, and of course your rooting!

  26. February 13, 2011 1:11 pm

    Happy 100th post, Catherine! Delighted you’ll be staying!
    And Happy Belated Birthday! The cakes look fabulous!
    I’m also really proud of you for being happy and single. You’re awesome.
    xx

    • February 13, 2011 9:35 pm

      Alexia,
      Aww thank you. You are awesome too – but I tell you all the time on your blog, so you know that! 🙂

  27. Ghetto_Philosopher permalink
    February 14, 2011 3:07 am

    Like the new digs, fam

  28. February 16, 2011 5:07 pm

    100 posts??? Yippee – congrats to you! Cheers to 100 more 🙂

  29. February 16, 2011 9:34 pm

    So good to hear about what’s going on in your life. It sounds like things have been hard but you are doing remarkably well. I’m glad! And I think it’s good that Chef is still in your life. You will figure it out when it’s time to figure it out. It will come to you.

    My Mother always points out the same thing to me: “You are sad after you drink. Remember, alcohol is a depressant.” And she is right. It doesn’t stop me though… But I do think more about it before getting too drunk.

    Hang in there girl!

    • February 16, 2011 10:54 pm

      Thanks, international woman of mystery! I appreciate you stopping by. You are right – things were pretty hard there around the holidays. It’s funny how it ebs and flows – it’s really hard, then suddenly remarkably easy. But the hard times just keep coming back. Luckily, there is more time between them, but it still sucks to feel like I take two steps forward, but one step back. I really appreciate your comment and kind words 🙂

  30. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    February 21, 2011 11:15 pm

    Due to classes, I haven’t been able to check out the ladies on my blogroll recently. It was so nice to check back here and see that you’d only had a few posts and they were wonderful to read!
    Being whatever I am with The Musician has reminded me that you don’t need a label. As long as you’re happy, just go with whatever you feel. Timing and intuition should be given more credit than they get these days.

    • February 22, 2011 10:44 pm

      Beneath,
      Thanks so much for checking back in! Missed ya! Yeah – I’m only posting my original content about once a week now. I’ve been so busy with work! Hopefully I’ll pick back up in about a month or so. Until then, you’ll just have light reading 🙂
      Thanks for your words. Hope everything is going well with The Musician!

  31. February 22, 2011 1:28 pm

    Where you were behind in blogging, I am jsut about as far behind in reading. Congrats on the 100 posts though. I can only hope I’ll be making a similiar “event” out of my post when/if the time should come.

    Hopefully I’m not repeating too much because 59 comments is a lot to read too 😉

    I, one-hundred percent, know exactly what you were feeling with the situation with Chef. It is very parallel with the girl I wrote about on my blog back in January. We never set a label, but when she got engaged to her former-flame, we still decided to be friends and it has been hard at times and I sometimes think it would possibly be easier if one of us let the other go completely…but we do care and want the other to be involved in our lives.

    As for the common addage that you can’t get over someone until you are with another…I don’t put much stock into it. Just do what you want to do.

    • February 22, 2011 10:29 pm

      Thank you, Matthew! I’m sure you’ll do something great for you 100th – can’t wait to read it!
      I appreciate you sharing your experience… I imagine that must have been tough when the girl you were seeing got engaged. I have a tough time still hanging out with someone once it’s completely over, so I think if Chef and I were to completely throw in the towel, I’m not sure we could remain friends. I mean, friendly and civil, sure, but hang out and watch movies? Not so much.
      Thanks for your comment 🙂

Trackbacks

  1. Crazy Stuff We Do During Breakups « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
  2. Loose Ends – August Edition « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey

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