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Simply Solo Spotlight: Six (Billion) Simple Rules Guaranteed to Help You Find the “One”!

February 22, 2011

Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Dennis Hong, the insightful and amazing writer from Musings on Life and Love. I love reading his articles because he is so honest and thoughtful about love and relationships. And, Dennis here has given me more than my share of awesome advice the past several months! Put simply, he’s the man. I hope you enjoy his guest post, and be sure to head over to his multi-authored website to read more.  

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

Six (Billion) Simple Rules Guaranteed to Help You Find the “One”!

A female friend of mine recently said something to the effect that “guys want you to reject them the first few times. If you move too fast, they’ll lose interest in you.”

Her comments—and the blanket statements that she loves to make about men—really got me to thinking. Are there any hard and fast rules about dating? Are there any universal laws and truths about men (or women, for that matter)? Can we break down male behavior into five, or fifty, or even five hundred simple rules that every woman can apply across the spectrum to help her find her perfect man? And how many small island nations could I afford to buy if I discovered these rules?

As I see it, if the easy solution were out there, we would’ve found it by now. If there really were a concrete set of rules that women can apply to all men, then wouldn’t you think that everyone would soon learn about them, and therefore every woman in the world should have found her ideal man by this point?

cards, chips, poker game

Photo courtesy of Viri G

To me, dating is like a poker game. Sure, we can learn the basic rules of poker, and the more we play, the more we understand the game. Nevertheless, every game is a unique one in itself, with a unique set of players and a unique set of circumstances involving both luck and skill. The better we understand the game, the better we’ll perform in the long run. But, we will be guaranteed to lose if we attempt to play poker by rote, just as we will be guaranteed to lose if we attempt to date by rote.

I will never profess to be the Maestro of Manhood, or the Guru of Guydom. I will never tell you that I have all the rules you need to know about men. And I would caution you to be suspicious of anyone who claims to have such rules. Every person is different, and every relationship a brand new one that’s never been experienced before. We cannot start setting blanket rules about the opposite sex because we simply cannot anticipate all the possible behaviors of every single man or every single woman in the world. We just have to enjoy each new relationship for the unpredictable ride that it is.

Evidently, my friend has been with guys whom she expressed an interest in early on, but then who lost interest in her. Her experience tells her to proceed with caution the next time she gets involved with someone. Fair enough. For my part, some of the most wonderful relationships I’ve been in progressed very quickly, while some of my worst relationships progressed at a gut-wrenching snail’s pace. My own experience tells me that if the sparks don’t fly on the first date, I should give up right off the bat. So who’s right?

The answer is, we both are. Our past experiences shape our current behaviors, so we definitely need to remember and learn from them. But, learning from our past experiences does not mean that we let them bind and confine us. To that end, my friend shouldn’t rule out the possibility that she might still meet someone and fall instantly in love someday. And I shouldn’t rule out the possibility that I might meet someone today and fall in love 10 years later. Our greatest fallacy would be to assume that how it’s been in the past for us is how it’s always going to be for everyone.

So, the next time I have a rough first date, I might be inclined to give her another shot… even if it’s with some hesitation. And the next time my friend hooks up with someone on the first date, he might actually be interested… although she should understandably be wary that he’s playing her.

Having said all that, I have a secret to tell you. As it turns out, I do *wink wink* have the full set of rules that govern every man and woman in the world. And since I’m still on a quest to purchase numerous island nations, I have a book to sell you. It breaks down all the known personality and dating types and assigns one simple rule guaranteed to work specifically for that type. The working title is… hmmm, let’s see… current world population… some quick math…. Okay, yes, it’s called, Six Billion Simple Rules Guaranteed to Help You Find the “One”!

I’m not sure when it’ll be ready, though. I keep having to update it every few seconds.


21 Comments leave one →
  1. February 22, 2011 10:49 am

    Thank you for this post. I think the one size fits all approach rarely works, even for socks or shirts. I mean, as you noted, we’re all different. We all react differently. We all have different tastes and interests. Your book title is perfect!

    What freaks me out more is the ominous use of ‘the one’ in western culture. SCARY. That’s a lot of pressure! I mean, what if my ‘one’ lives in Africa and I never go to Africa?!? I think there is societal pressures and mixed messages we’ve received from an early age about what love is. I’ve learned that love is all and none of those things. Love is great and love stinks.

    Lastly, people say love happens when you least expect it… so should I stop dating with the hope of finding someone great? Then it will come? AHHHH!

    • February 22, 2011 3:24 pm

      I believe that any number of people can be the One. Sure, some Ones fit better than other Ones. But, like the stripper at her work, I believe we are surrounded by Ones. and just have to be willing to bend over and pick them up and see if they’re the real deal or not…. 😉

      • February 22, 2011 4:28 pm

        The stripper analogy. You learn something new every day 🙂

        • February 22, 2011 5:06 pm

          Or, perhaps in the case of the stripper, you catch something new every day….

  2. February 22, 2011 10:55 am

    Only six billion? Come on now…I can think of a couple more than that! 😉

    Actually, I think what holds us back as humans is our obsession with finding rationale in irrational behavior. I’m struggling with this myself: Because I’ve seen a few guys act in a few consistent ways, is that a trend? Or a coincidental anomaly? My human brain, craving rationality, wants to make it a trend and ascribe predictability to it.

    In other words, in more of an algebraic formula that I’d like to call Mikalee’s transitive property of cheating (or something similar…haven’t come up with the trademarked, perfected version quite yet):

    One man has cheated on me. Many men I’ve known have cheated on other women. Therefore, all men will cheat.

    Makes no sense, I know…but I want the predictability! I want a “proof” to go with my personal proof.

    Anyhow, interesting perspective — thanks for sharing!

    • February 22, 2011 3:25 pm

      Yes, exactly. And that’s why I think all women are bitches. :-p

    • February 22, 2011 10:49 pm

      Ha, sounds like my theory too, Mikalee! Not exactly healthy (for either of us)… hoping I disprove that theory, myself!

  3. February 22, 2011 11:23 am

    Haha, well done as always Dennis 🙂 I like the poker game analogy and keep encouraging my single friends (and myself) to go on “practice dates” because you’re right: the “rules” change depending on who’s playing but the basics remain the same.

    • February 22, 2011 3:27 pm

      Then again, you never know if one of those “practice dates” might end up being a “dress rehearsal.” Or, maybe you got your schedule mixed up, so you may think you’re only practicing, but it turns out it’s gonna be a full-blown “performance”….

  4. Ghetto_Philosopher permalink
    February 22, 2011 6:36 pm

    Well done Dennis. I shake my head when people talk about these rules they know and how they work. There are no fast rules except for one; there are no rules. Every person is unique and brings their history to the table. Be open to what they have to show you.

  5. February 22, 2011 7:12 pm

    I love this. I have been thinking along the same lines recently: you should never assume something about someone based on a popular belief. And yet so many people do. And so many people DEFINITELY do regarding relationships or the opposite sex. Not a fan of blanket statements!!!

    Great post.

  6. February 22, 2011 9:01 pm

    Blanket generalizations drive me batty. I read a blog recently where several comments read, “Men like to move slowly” or “Men prefer to give chase.” I don’t know how these women were qualified to speak for me or to assume that such is true for every guy in the world or every relationship out there. The point is, there are plenty of people who could benefit from your book, Dennis!

  7. February 22, 2011 10:11 pm

    You know KD has made a very interesting point…I think there are several potential partners world-wide for a person. It’s just that the paths seldom cross. We also tend to look around and have our blinkers on. Seriously.

    I never dreamt my partner would be: divorced, with 2 (teen) children at that time and over a decade older than I.

    But he did walk into my life and we cycled forward together. Literally. 🙂

    By the way, Catherine, why did you choose to go to law school? Wishing you happiness, on that path.

    • February 22, 2011 10:25 pm

      Jean,
      Thanks for the comment. It actually wasn’t me that decided to go to law school, it was a guest blogger tha wrote a Simply Solo Spotlight that also cancelled her wedding. I am so happy for her though! I’m just working on figuring out if I want to go back to school, what it would be for! 🙂 Loved your “and we cycled forward together. Literally.” That’s awesome!

      • February 23, 2011 6:58 pm

        Oh, I’m the blogger who decided to go to Law School. The reason for deciding to become a lawyer is a bit complicated. I felt like I had the opportunity to do anything I wanted to do. And of all the things I could do, I decided on law. Also, I wanted to prove something to the universe, that I could make something awesome out of something awful.

  8. February 23, 2011 11:43 am

    You know, so many rules, so many questions, so many different scenarios. With every relationship, comes different ways of being in that relationship. Some quick, some slow, some with butterflies, some without. It all comes down to the pace of what the people in the relationship set for each other and if those people are comfortable with that pace. If someone started telling me they loved me in week two of a relationship – and I didn’t have the same feelings – I would run for the hills. BUT, I’ve also been in a relationship where I was in love in week 2 and welcomed it with open arms.

    Anyway, I could ramble on forever, but very interesting post and I’ll have to ponder this further 🙂

  9. February 23, 2011 1:10 pm

    Brilliant analogy! I don’t think it could be closer to the truth than where it already is. I often remind myself of a quote in the movie ‘Rounders’: “You can’t lose what you don’t put in the middle…but you can’t win much either.”

    For me, if I like a girl, I’m going to let her know. I’d rather her know where I stand than make her wonder or think I’m playing some sort of “game”. I’m not going to profess my love to someone ala ‘How I Met Your Mother’ but if I want to see you again I may say something like, “I’ve had a great time and I would really like to see you again,” or “I’m going to (event) on (day), would you like join me?” It’s that simple.

    Dating and relationships. Love and marriage. It is all going to be a gamble and we’re being dealt a new hand every day. Risk is inevitable. The way I see it, it is a risk worth taking.

    And like poker, it isn’t really about playing the cards in your hand but reading the people and using your cards accordingly.

    • February 23, 2011 2:49 pm

      Wanna go steady? 🙂

    • February 23, 2011 2:55 pm

      Seriously, do more guys like you exist and how do I meet them? I think your approach is excellent, healthy and there’s little to no BS. It doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt, but that’s part of the deal.

      • February 23, 2011 10:28 pm

        KD, you have to please try to be more careful when leaving comments. When I first read both of your comments at work I nearly choked on the granola bar I was eating.

        You pretty much made my day.

        I don’t think anyone has ever asked me to go steady before. Isn’t the proper response giving you my pin to wear? 😉 Now I just need to see if I have one.

        There are others out there. As for finding them? Sadly it’s kind of trial and error, much like finding a girl who can take the no BS/direct approach. They seem to be few and far between (you obviously being one of the exceptions).

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  1. Simply Solo Spotlight: Dating Advice for Real People « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey

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