Simply Solo Spotlight: My Name Is Amelia, And I’m …
Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Amelia of A Cupcake And A Skull. In this post, Amelia talks about her issues with commitment. This is particularly interesting for me, considering I’ve been grappling with commitment issues myself. I went from ready to make the biggest commitment of all – marriage – to feeling overwhelmed (and actually sickened) when considering any such prospect in the future. It’s nice to know that people can change and survive being a commitment-phobe. I hope you enjoy Amelia’s post, and be sure to check out her blog as well!
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: email@example.com.
My Name Is Amelia, And I’m …
My name is Amelia, and I’m a commitment-phobic.
It took an effort to admit that. And it takes a whole lot more to be a recovering one.
Let’s start from the beginning. Surprisingly enough, I was never a serial dater, as perhaps many people assume most phobic to be. I have always been in serious long-term relationships. Aside from my junior high school crush, my relationships lasted years. My last breakup happened after a long and tedious 5-year relationship.
On the surface, people around me may not know that I had issues with commitment. Even though I was in long-term relationships, it always took me a long time to be in a new relationship. It was never easy for me to start all over again. To meet new people is one thing, but to be open to love? Gosh, the possibility scares me!
For me love equaled vulnerability. I didn’t like being vulnerable. I didn’t like feeling weak. Or at least, that was how I perceived it, that being vulnerable was being weak. And not to mention to whole process of getting to know someone all over again, getting to know their families all over again, adjusting to each other’s habits all over again, the fights, the arguments, the bla bla bla … All those things just seemed like too much effort for me.
After the last breakup, I kinda felt like I had enough. I was tired of the whole love thing. I thought to myself, “Why bother? I have friends; I have my work; I have my family; I laugh every day; I’m not dirt-poor; I don’t need to go through the trouble and possible pain – again!”
But life has funny ways in showing you that you might be wrong. It always happens when you least expect it, doesn’t it? Just when I thought I was so much better loveless and laughing sarcastically at friends who were all lovey-dovey, I got a friend-request from love.
You see, I have always been an extroverted person. It wasn’t difficult for me to be laughing and having great conversation, but I closed up that emotional side of me. I didn’t want to open up to this person. I didn’t want to make myself emotionally available, knowing that I wasn’t emotionally equipped to begin with.
So I hid behind the reason of not wanting to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to be a significant other when I still question the significance in being significant. I was trying not to end up hurting anyone, but more than that – now I can admit – I was trying my very best not to end up getting hurt again.
But this one, this particular one, was very patient with me. You know how sometimes someone can make you feel as if they’re smothering you with love, so much so that you’re suffocating and it ain’t cute no more? Well, no, not with this one. I felt nothing but gentleness, sincerity, warmth, and all this even when I was still being closed-up and guarded. I guess, my iciness was starting to melt.
Since the very beginning, we were honest with each other. Our feelings, fears, and wants were always laid there on the table. I believe that honesty helped strengthen our friendship, and in the end, intensified and affirmed my love. Somehow after seeing my phobic side, I still had that constant companion beside me. To my surprise, I hadn’t scared anyone, I hadn’t hurt anyone. Instead, I realized I was smiling.
I still don’t see anything wrong with being single. I think we have to be single for a while and be fully confident in our own self before entering a relationship. What I’m trying to say is, at least now I’m not afraid anymore of being in love.
Years have gone by, and we’re still here. I am still smiling. It wasn’t easy being a recovering phobic in a relationship. I’m not 100% cured, but it turned out it is doable. And more than about taking a chance, for me it’s about who do you take that chance with. “…and I’m glad it was you.”