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Simply Solo Spotlight: My Name Is Amelia, And I’m …

March 1, 2011

Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Amelia of A Cupcake And A Skull. In this post, Amelia talks about her issues with commitment. This is particularly interesting for me, considering I’ve been grappling with commitment issues myself. I went from ready to make the biggest commitment of all – marriage – to feeling overwhelmed (and actually sickened) when considering any such prospect in the future. It’s nice to know that people can change and survive being a commitment-phobe. I hope you enjoy Amelia’s post, and be sure to check out her blog as well!

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

My Name Is Amelia, And I’m …

My name is Amelia, and I’m a commitment-phobic.

It took an effort to admit that. And it takes a whole lot more to be a recovering one.

Let’s start from the beginning. Surprisingly enough, I was never a serial dater, as perhaps many people assume most phobic to be. I have always been in serious long-term relationships. Aside from my junior high school crush, my relationships lasted years. My last breakup happened after a long and tedious 5-year relationship.

Commitment sign

Photo courtesy of Ed Schipul

On the surface, people around me may not know that I had issues with commitment. Even though I was in long-term relationships, it always took me a long time to be in a new relationship. It was never easy for me to start all over again. To meet new people is one thing, but to be open to love? Gosh, the possibility scares me!

For me love equaled vulnerability. I didn’t like being vulnerable. I didn’t like feeling weak. Or at least, that was how I perceived it, that being vulnerable was being weak. And not to mention to whole process of getting to know someone all over again, getting to know their families all over again, adjusting to each other’s habits all over again, the fights, the arguments, the bla bla bla … All those things just seemed like too much effort for me.

After the last breakup, I kinda felt like I had enough. I was tired of the whole love thing. I thought to myself, “Why bother? I have friends; I have my work; I have my family; I laugh every day; I’m not dirt-poor; I don’t need to go through the trouble and possible pain – again!”

But life has funny ways in showing you that you might be wrong. It always happens when you least expect it, doesn’t it? Just when I thought I was so much better loveless and laughing sarcastically at friends who were all lovey-dovey, I got a friend-request from love.

You see, I have always been an extroverted person. It wasn’t difficult for me to be laughing and having great conversation, but I closed up that emotional side of me. I didn’t want to open up to this person. I didn’t want to make myself emotionally available, knowing that I wasn’t emotionally equipped to begin with.

So I hid behind the reason of not wanting to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to be a significant other when I still question the significance in being significant. I was trying not to end up hurting anyone, but more than that – now I can admit – I was trying my very best not to end up getting hurt again.

But this one, this particular one, was very patient with me. You know how sometimes someone can make you feel as if they’re smothering you with love, so much so that you’re suffocating and it ain’t cute no more? Well, no, not with this one. I felt nothing but gentleness, sincerity, warmth, and all this even when I was still being closed-up and guarded. I guess, my iciness was starting to melt.

Since the very beginning, we were honest with each other. Our feelings, fears, and wants were always laid there on the table. I believe that honesty helped strengthen our friendship, and in the end, intensified and affirmed my love. Somehow after seeing my phobic side, I still had that constant companion beside me. To my surprise, I hadn’t scared anyone, I hadn’t hurt anyone. Instead, I realized I was smiling.

I still don’t see anything wrong with being single. I think we have to be single for a while and be fully confident in our own self before entering a relationship. What I’m trying to say is, at least now I’m not afraid anymore of being in love.

Years have gone by, and we’re still here. I am still smiling. It wasn’t easy being a recovering phobic in a relationship. I’m not 100% cured, but it turned out it is doable. And more than about taking a chance, for me it’s about who do you take that chance with. “…and I’m glad it was you.”


26 Comments leave one →
  1. March 1, 2011 10:01 am

    Great post, and SO true. My current (and best relatioship) came when after a long, solo break. In retrospect, I think the only reason it worked out is because I had time to deal with myself 🙂

  2. March 1, 2011 11:01 am

    Thanks, Amelia, for this post. I’m so happy to hear a story of someone who was able to overcome their commitment phobia. I feel a little phobic these days myself – and it’s nice to hear that after some time, particularly after some alone time, it’s curable 🙂

  3. March 1, 2011 11:05 am

    I believe all things have their own timing. You cannot force anything/anyone that isn’t ready yet. Sometimes the wise thing to do is just to wait. I personally hate waiting, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. 😀

  4. Rebecca permalink
    March 1, 2011 12:55 pm

    Do you think it’s about finding the person that you want to settle down with or is it more being ready yourself? I guess I’ve always thought I’d be ready once I foudn the right person but I’m not sure when that will be, or what I should be doing on my end to make sure I AM ready when they come along. I would love your thoughts.

    • March 1, 2011 9:54 pm

      I think it’s both. Even when you’re not ready yet, the right person won’t push you. I dont think the ‘right person’ can make you ready. It has to come from within yourself. When it’s time, you’ll know. You’ll feel it.

  5. March 1, 2011 3:09 pm

    I, too, have gone from being in a long-term, serious relationship (5-years) to a complete CP! Thank you for shedding some light on this and reminding me that I can choose to get past this!

  6. Zak permalink
    March 1, 2011 5:23 pm

    I’ve been meaning to comment for some time on your blog, Catherine. I enjoy it. Thanks for writing, and finding other great writers to share with us.

    Specifically, let me say something from the other side of the relationship…

    I am divorced. After the divorce, I had gone through a wide range of feelings, and I’ve finally ended up ready to date again. I recently met a great gal, and she seems just as much into me as I am into her. But I noticed (after I admittedly smothered her a bit) that she was pulling away. She had also gone through a divorce, and while completely different, there were similarities.

    When I backed off, showed interest but stopped worrying what the outcome would be, I’ve had more success. I am still trying to figure it all out.

    But, Amelia, reading your story affirms for me that this gal needs that patience, needs that space, but also needs to know I’m not running anywhere, and I’m not in it just for the love. Friendship, companionship, etc, are all desired, too.

    I realize (a little more) that just because I’m ready doesn’t mean she is. And while I’d like to think I knew that already, your story really made sense of it for me.

    Thanks.

    • March 1, 2011 10:01 pm

      Thanks so much, Zak.
      It is natural to be unconsciously ‘smothering’ when you really feel something for one person. And it’s great that you could see what’s happening and pulled away a bit to give her some space. Some people still cant realize that and keep pushing and pushing until the other person runs away, and then they ask “what did i do to you to make you step away?!”
      I think she’s one lucky gal.

    • March 1, 2011 11:08 pm

      Thank you, Zak! I appreciate your reading and commenting 🙂

  7. March 1, 2011 6:07 pm

    I definitely agree that we need to be single for awhile in order to truly discover ourselves – I’ve said as much to Catherine. Bouncing around from relationship to relationship doesn’t really give us the opportunity we need for self-discovery. I’m convinced it’s why I felt so smothered in my last relationship – I wasn’t ready to stop being single yet. While that may have been true, though, I don’t think it meant I was a commitment-phobe.

    Best of luck to you. Don’t be afraid of love…embrace it!

    • March 1, 2011 10:03 pm

      Thank you!
      It’s a process, it’s not an instant thing to be so hesitant at one point and be so completely embracing at the next point. But it’s a process indeed, and it’s going great.

  8. March 1, 2011 8:14 pm

    Wow. Strangely, this has a lot of parallels with my own post for today, except mine’s from a completely different perspective. And you’re absolutely right – it’s difficult to maintain a healthy relationship if you don’t know who you are yourself.

    This post makes me think of that song, “Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson. 🙂

  9. March 2, 2011 12:04 am

    Hi Catherine,

    I found your blog while Googling dealing with a break up… I’m so glad I found you and your story 🙂 you inspired me to start my own blog!! It’s nothing much yet but I think it will be helpful to have a place to pour out my heart.

    🙂

    • March 2, 2011 10:16 am

      Amanneroftravel,
      That’s so great! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I’m so glad that you were inspired to start a blog – it’s a great way to get your emotions out and to find some new friends that are dealing with the same things you are. Take care of yourself!

  10. March 2, 2011 4:58 am

    So if I may ask what is your relationship status now? You still with that patient guy ? If yes, are you married to him ? It’s my first visit here and I would keep coming back to your blog because I loved your take on life.
    Friends to Lovers?
    Is your relationship going the “When Harry met Sally” way?
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/friendstolovers/friendstolovers_instructions.asp

  11. March 2, 2011 5:21 am

    Alright I just read your previous post dated 24thfeb so I know you are still single.

    • March 2, 2011 10:15 am

      Hi John. This is Catherine. Yesterday’s post about being afraid of commitment was actually a guest post on my blog written by Amelia. I do guest posts every Tuesday. If you want to read more about Amelia, please visit her blog at: http://cuppyskully.wordpress.com/

      February 24 was actually a post about my journey. Just wanted to clear up any confusion for you! I know it can be hard to follow for some new readers!

  12. daigodansei permalink
    March 2, 2011 7:12 am

    literally can’t stop smilling…..
    and i wonder why…:)

  13. Crazybadtz permalink
    March 2, 2011 11:49 am

    oh.. i knoww, for suree.. 😉

  14. March 2, 2011 1:44 pm

    Great story Amelia. I reall enjoyed the way you told it too.

  15. March 3, 2011 6:53 am

    Ohk alright ! Thanks for clearing the confusion .

  16. March 3, 2011 6:31 pm

    Great post! And I always love a happy ending.

    I’m certainly glad to you are no longer afraid of love. I don’t profess to be some huge “Love Hugger”, but if there’s one thing I always try to believe in…it’s love. *cue corny 80’s music here*

    And I like your association between ‘fear of commitment’ and not being a serial dater. I’ve never been a serial dater myself, but of the opposite nature. Instead of going from one long relationship to another, I will have long periods of time being single between relationships.

    Definitely have given me something to ponder.

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