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Simply Solo Spotlight: What If The Feelings Aren’t There?

March 15, 2011

It’s Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Amanalynn, who writes a great blog where she details her relationship experiences. She’s very open about her life and her current long-term relationship and it definitely makes for an interesting read. I hope you’ll enjoy her guest post and be sure to check out her blog

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

What If The Feelings Aren’t There?

I was recently asked by one of my close friends, “When it comes to relationships, can feelings develop over time, or if the feeling isn’t there right away, will it ever be there?” How many of you started dating someone and thought they were nice, but those butterflies just weren’t there? You laughed, you felt comfortable with them, but the “I can’t live without you” feeling was missing? And how many of you started dating someone and right away those feelings were there? You knew from the first date that you had a connection?

closed flower, bud

Who knows what the possibilities will be - if you just give it some time? Photo courtesy of EzLost

Well, I couldn’t answer her question without having to think back on my previous relationships and how I felt when we first started dating. I’ve experienced the “we should just be friends” vibe and I’ve experienced the “I can’t live without you” vibe. When I didn’t have that instant connection, I wouldn’t usually pursue that relationship. In fact, it never made it past the first or second date and he stayed in the friend zone. The guys with whom I felt I had an instant connection lasted a few months/year, but they all ended in heart break.

Let’s take a look at my current relationship. I can honestly say that when I first met him, I did not feel a connection. Don’t get me wrong, we got along great and we had so much in common, but I didn’t experience the butterflies in my stomach/I can’t live without you feeling. However, I did meet him while I was in another relationship, a relationship that was on its last legs. So as time went on, my current boyfriend and I spent more and more time together, and I started to develop feelings for him. Not only did I not want to spend a moment away from him, I didn’t want to go back to my ex. That’s when I knew that I had true feelings for him and that it was time to end the other relationship.

So would I have had those feelings for my current boyfriend right away if there wasn’t another guy involved? Or would I have felt the “we should just be friends” feelings and moved on if I wasn’t in another relationship? I’ll never know. But the one thing I do know is that I had put him in the friend zone for a reason, because we had so much fun together as friends. By spending more and more time with him as a friend, I got to really see who he was, and vice-versa. There were no lies, no misconceptions of who he was, or who I was. We were just us, and it was being just us that made me fall in love with him.

How many of your relationships started out with feelings right away but ended in heart break? And how many guys did you give a chance when you initially thought that you were better off as friends? All I can say is maybe the next time you meet someone and there are no initial feelings, give them a chance. They could be the one for you!


15 Comments leave one →
  1. March 15, 2011 9:00 am

    i think this is true, but its hard when someone is nice to define that you dont feel the spark

    • March 15, 2011 9:29 am

      Hi Tinkerbelle86,

      It is hard, especially when there is no spark. If you keep him around as a friend, it’s much easier to know over time if there will ever be a spark.

      When I put my current boyfriend in the friend zone, I never imagined we would be dating in the future, it just happened. I didn’t stop the feelings just because he was a friend, I let them blossom and turn into a great relationship.

      I’m not saying that every guy friend could or would turn into a relationship, but you never know if you don’t open your mind to it.

      Amanalynn

  2. March 15, 2011 9:22 am

    Hrmm…this is my problem with Ralphie. Nice guy, but no sparks. And I need the sparks.

    -L

    • March 15, 2011 9:39 am

      Hi Lucky,

      I would have completely agreed with you a year ago. However, today I have a different view on it. Of course sparks are important, but I truly believe that they can come over time.

      Ralphie sounds like a pretty nice guy (he does have his faults, but we all do). The only thing in your situation that may differ from mine are the little things you were annoyed with. I get that 100%. If you find that little things, like how he eats his meal, annoy you today they may still annoy you tomorrow. Those are the indications that may say he is just a friend, for good.

      But to go back on what I said, keep him around as your friend, because you never know. You could make a really great friend out of it, if nothing else.

      Amanalynn

  3. March 15, 2011 9:26 am

    As a guy who has been placed in the friend zone MANY times, I would like to thank you for writing this.

    Anything can happen with relationships. You hear success stories that go both ways. Some were immediate sparks. Others came after years of friendship. I’ve experienced both myself.

    You just never know when that spark is gonna be lit.

    • March 15, 2011 9:42 am

      Hi Matthew,

      Exactly!

      Maybe you didn’t have the spark right away, but as you grow and change that spark can also grow and change. If you don’t initially have the feelings, there is nothing wrong with staying friends. But don’t let the friendship scare you away from ever developing feelings.

      Thanks for the comment 🙂

      Amanalynn

  4. March 15, 2011 3:19 pm

    I just started dating again after heart break with a guy who I did have those sparks with. It’s hard NOT to dismiss someone when I don’t have the attraction there initially. However, I have had relationships develop over time, where, like you, they came after months/years of friendship.

    Personally, I would rather have the friendship first, then love, BUT, I am so scared I’ll be dismissive of someone who doesn’t have what I’m looking for (looks, smarts, good character, etc)and, I’ll be stuck in single, friend-zone FOREVER!

    Does mild attraction need to exist as well, or is that a fallacy?

    • March 15, 2011 3:29 pm

      Good question, KD!

      I’m not sure if you ever heard people say that you are attracted to your friends, both boys and girls, on some level. You get along with them for a reason right? You have things in common, you enjoy doing things together and most importantly you enjoy your friends company. I would say that if you can’t stand someone then I wouldn’t even bother putting them in the friend zone. However, if someone is put in the friend zone it’s because you initially have some form of attraction for them.

      Also, I wouldn’t suggest settling with someone just because they are a friend. If they don’t have all the things you are looking for then maybe they are just meant to be your friend. Smarts and good character are things that you would be attracted to even with just your friends; however, good looks can grow over time when you get to know someone. The more you love someone, the more attractive they become in so many different ways (or at least in my experience).

      Thanks for the comment 🙂

  5. March 15, 2011 10:46 pm

    Hi, Thanx for the great blog post, I have been in the type of relationship that there were sparks, however seven years later; it was lead to a major heartbreak cased by that person changing his personality to go sour.

    I do believe that anything is possible and that a friend can lead to a long-term relationship if you just keep an open mind out it…. Like the saying goes; “things happen for a reason, even when we don’t know what that reason is” which I do believe that it can translate in the relationship category.

  6. March 16, 2011 8:38 am

    Hi Emilie,

    That can definitely translate to relationships.

    I’m not saying that all relationships that start with a spark will fail. But if you have been experiencing that, maybe it’s time to try something new.

    I’m sorry you went through heartbreak. I’m sure most of us know what that feels like. But good luck with any future relationships you have 🙂

    Amanalynn

  7. March 16, 2011 1:07 pm

    I think I’ve always pretty much felt sparks right from the start – otherwise, I’ve never felt the person was worth pursuing. Sometimes that’s led to a successful relationship, other times it has ended in heartbreak. Or jail.

    Just kidding about jail.

    • March 16, 2011 3:18 pm

      Maybe next time there are no sparks but you get along great, keep them around. Don’t mislead or anything, but stay friends because you never know!

      Amanalynn

  8. 2NewBeginnings permalink
    March 16, 2011 3:10 pm

    I have been on both ends of this. Sparks were there right from the start and sparks were not there at all in the beginning. The relationship where I was head over heels right from the start, is now ending in divorce, go figure. The relationship where it wasn’t there at first, and we were friends for years before there was a relationship, ended as well. But, for some strange reason is now starting back up, somehow our long lasting friendship is bringing us back together possibly….

    I believe that if it starts out on a friend level, those relationships can trully be the ones to look for. Every relationship needs to have a friendship foundation and build from that. At times when there are so many sparks flying in the beginning, head of overheels, etc, we become blinded! Sometimes we can’t see clearly.

    So, I agree don’t discredit someone, just because you don’t go crazy in love at first sight. You never know what can blossom!

    • March 16, 2011 3:20 pm

      Great story! Of course not the divorce part, but that a long lasting friendship is blossoming into something more 🙂

      And I 100% agree that “Every relationship needs to have a friendship foundation and build from that.”

      Thanks for the comment 🙂

      Amanalynn

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