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Simply Solo Spotlight: Dennis’ Online Dating Dictionary

June 14, 2011

Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Dennis Hong of the awesome multi-author blog Musings on Life and Love. I simply love Dennis’ writing – he’s so funny and gives great insight into the male mind. He also does a fantastic job of bringing together writers who never cease to amaze me on his blog. I hope you enjoy this week’s light-hearted guest post.

By the way, tomorrow is a special day – my one-year anniversary of blogging on Simply Solo! And, I’ll be holding my very first giveaway in honor of the anniversary. Come back tomorrow to see what you could win!

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

Dennis’ Online Dating Dictionary

Denny's restaurant

Photo courtesy of Thomas Hawk

If you ask me, online dating is the romantic equivalent of eating at Denny’s: they give you a menu full of tantalizing photos and enticing descriptions, but that Grand Slam breakfast sitting in front of you never looks quite as good as the one on the menu. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t ever enjoy a meal at Denny’s. You just have to realize that the menus may stretch the truth somewhat. The same goes for online dating. Any social reject can figure out that people exercise plenty of factual calisthenics in their online profiles. To that end, I’ve compiled my own list of the most overused online dating aphorisms I’ve come across, and the not-so-scrumptious, not-quite-as-appetizing truths behind them. I present to you my unabridged, unabashed, online dating dictionary …

Translating Men: What They Say and What They Mean

  1. I’m new to the whole online dating thing………. My online dating virginity grants me immunity to be a total jackass at any time during our impending courtship process.
  2. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say here………. Please excuse me while I now describe myself in the most inane, generic, and clichéd way possible. Hey, I’m new to the whole online dating thing.
  3. I’m pretty laid back and chill………. I have no ambitions in life and am stoked that sitting on my ass, watching TV is now an activity known as “chillin’.”
  4. I’m a total smart-ass……….. I will cover up for my lack of actual wit by belittling anything and everything you say.
  5. I’m over the bar and club scene………. I’m starting to figure out that girls only flirt with me to get free drinks.
  6. I’m looking for a girl with a good head on her shoulders………. I’m looking for a girl with a good vagina between her legs and an even better set of breasts on her chest, but admitting thusly will guarantee that I have zero chance of finding out if you are said girl.
  7. I’m looking for someone who’s real and genuine………. Plastic blow-up dolls need not apply. Got one already.
  8. I’m looking for an open-minded individual………. I’m currently dating eight other girls and hope you’re open to being my ninth.
  9. My body type = athletic and toned………. I play kickball in a local adult recreational sports league. Sometimes, I even put my beer down before I get up to the plate.
  10. My height = 5’9”………. I’m 5’9” when I wake up the morning after a particularly foul night of drunken debauchery, my hair having grown into a three-inch-tall fermenting faux-hawk of sweat and dried gel.

Translating Women: What They Say and What They Mean

  1. My friend convinced me to do this………. My overbearing sense of pride is unable to reconcile the fact that I’m looking for dates online, so I’m laying the blame on my one friend who might once have made a passing comment about online dating… or dating… or something about being online.
  2. I’m a fun-loving person………. I am so devoid of personality that I can’t even specify what I do for fun, not that I actually do anything that can be considered fun, so I’ll just say that I love “fun” in a general sort of way.
  3. I’m a total smart-ass………. I know the proper usage of “lol,” as well as the winky-face emoticon “;-)”.
  4. I’m over the bar and club scene………. Men want to sleep with me just because I let them buy me drinks.
  5. I know what I want and live life to the fullest………. I am the center of the universe and will not hesitate to dump your sorry ass the minute even one brain cell inside my head starts to get bored with you.
  6. I’m an old-fashioned kind of girl………. You’re not getting laid on the first date. Unless you’re super-hot.
  7. I’m looking for that spark………. I’m looking for a man who’s 6’4”, makes six figures, has a chiseled jaw and washboard abs, is a hopeless romantic, has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh everyday, is intelligent and well-read, loves to travel, will buy me flowers and open doors for me, is sensitive and emotionally available, loves kids, loves pets, volunteers for charities, is a handyman, is great in bed, shares my political beliefs, shares my faith, matches my astrological sign, will not be afraid to tell me he loves me, gets along with my family, will worship me, will spoon me, will always understand me… and actually exists.
  8. I’m looking for an open-minded individual………. I’m looking for someone willing to overlook my hideousness.
  9. My body type = athletic and toned………. I have a Body Ball somewhere in my apartment. It might even be partially inflated at the moment.
  10. My body type = curvy………. Just like the legs of a chair after I’ve sat in it.

So there you are, folks. Look through those menus with a healthy dose of skepticism, and maybe your next Grand Slam will be everything that you expected. Now, if you will excuse me, this laid-back, athletic smart-ass has some profiles to fill out in his quest to find a real, genuine, open-minded girl with a good head on her shoulders.


18 Comments leave one →
  1. natasha permalink
    June 14, 2011 8:37 am

    I’m looking for that spark too … And you described him to the T! 🙂

  2. June 14, 2011 9:21 am

    Having been in relationship since online dating was in it’s infancy, I’ve never had the chance to try it out. Thanks for the insight – almost wish I could give it a go just for the experience.

  3. June 14, 2011 9:26 am

    This totally explains why dates never seemed that excited when I brought up books and smart-folk talk at the dinner table 🙂
    This is hilarious, Dennis. And so, so, true!

  4. June 14, 2011 10:06 am

    Love it.

  5. June 14, 2011 10:14 am

    I love this! I just found your blog as I’m going through a breakup myself and just put myself back on okcupid and this is too true!

    I’m going to keep reading through your blog!

  6. Zak permalink
    June 14, 2011 11:48 am

    I had something like this on my blog a while ago, but I really loved your male translation #6. That may end up on my future online dating profile – the part about wanting “I’m looking for a girl with a good vagina between her legs and an even better set of breasts on her chest, but admitting thusly will guarantee that I have zero chance of finding out if you are said girl.”

    Classic.

  7. June 14, 2011 12:33 pm

    SO funny! Loved this. Even though you’re a total smart ass.

  8. June 14, 2011 2:13 pm

    SPOT ON!

  9. June 14, 2011 6:04 pm

    Thanks, everyone! Hope you find my translations useful if you ever dip your toe into the online dating pool…. 😉

  10. June 14, 2011 6:55 pm

    So true! Especially #6. For both the women and the men. 🙂

  11. June 14, 2011 8:09 pm

    very entertaining , have to agree that number 6 was the one that had me ROFL

  12. June 14, 2011 8:38 pm

    Seriously cracks me up. And makes me very happy I don’t have to deal with online dating.

  13. June 15, 2011 7:34 am

    You forgot to add “My family is really important to me” ie. I have no friends 🙂

  14. June 15, 2011 8:54 am

    Love the translations!

    And Happy Anniversary!

  15. June 19, 2011 12:13 am

    As if I needed another reason to be scared to do the online thing. But I always translate everything I read online so I completely get this. I like the “I want to find a women who is just as comfortable going out to dinner and dancing as she is sitting home and cuddling and watching a movie.” Translated: “After the required first few dates, we will never leave my apartment again.”

  16. letempspasse permalink
    June 21, 2011 6:34 pm

    That was really hilarious.
    Great fun !

Trackbacks

  1. It’s Okay to Be Yourself (As Long As Everyone Likes You) | Domestiphobia
  2. Simply Solo Spotlight: Dating Advice for Real People « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey

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