Simply Solo Spotlight: Wave That Red Flag, Girl
Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Larissa over at Thoughts Simply Arise. Larissa is a beautiful and poignant writer. I’ve loved following her journey after heartbreak and learning to love the solo life. I hope that you enjoy today’s post as much as I did, and please take a moment to check out her blog. It’s one of my very favorites in my Google Reader!
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Wave That Red Flag, Girl
It’s called a red flag for a reason: it’s usually broadcasting itself pretty obviously. If you’ve ever ignored one, then you know the pain it caused you to do so. I’ve gotten pretty hurt, and I’ve hurt others too, by ignoring red flags. So, I’ve compiled a list of my knowledge on red flag behavior, and I hope it saves you and me both some time and emotional distress.
1. He only texts.
Yes, we live in a world where cowards men have found a way to communicate with minimal effort. But really, I think it’s made it easier to sift the bad from the good. If he asks for my number, he best be dialing it. If I meet a guy online, I can understand why he might text instead of call initially. But after we’ve had an official date other than our first meet-up, he better call me. If he only texts, he’s letting me know he’s not worth my time, since I’m not worth his effort.
2. He talks about his ex on the first few dates.
He’ll just casually say something like, “What used to annoy me about my ex-girlfriend was how she never re-filled the Brita.” It doesn’t sound so bad. I mean, it’s an ex-girlfriend mention, but it’s in a negative context, right? Watch out. In my experience, men don’t talk about their exes unless there are still lingering feelings. He might even say he’s ready for a new girlfriend, and he might be a really good boyfriend, but her ghost is looming nearby, and you will feel it.
3. He doesn’t compliment you.
I once dated a guy for months before I noticed that he never complimented me. I found that I was never quite comfortable with him, especially in bed, and that’s when I realized it: He didn’t let me know he thought I was beautiful. When I’m romantically and intimately involved with someone, I want to know he thinks I’m attractive. The reasoning behind why he doesn’t compliment you might vary, but it’s usually not good. He could be trying not to show how much he likes you or he could not be all that physically attracted to you, but really, who wants to stick around to find out?
4. He doesn’t let you have the last California roll.
Remember how in The Wedding Singer, Drew Barrymore knew her fiancé wasn’t the right guy for her when he didn’t let her sit by the window as they flew to Vegas? Yeah. No good. A guy who’s into you will let you have the seat with the best view, will let you hold the remote control (at least sometimes), and will let you have the last California roll, even though it’s his favorite food, because seeing you smile is his favorite moment of every day.
5. He doesn’t make an effort with your friends and family.
I’ve made up all sorts of excuses for guys. He’s shy. He’s anti-social. He’s busy. He’s scared he won’t impress them. Etcetera. But now I know better. A guy who really likes me will sweat it out, make room in his schedule, be nervous but do it anyway. Because he’ll know it’s important to me, and so it’s important to him.
6. He’s aggressive when talking about sex.
By all means, when you’re alone with someone, unleash and let go. But when you’re talking about sex, it reveals a lot about how you feel not only about sex, but also about your past and what baggage you have dealt with. When a guy always refers to it by the f-word, hates the term “making love,” and talks about it aggressively, I’ve found it usually means he holds some hostility toward women. What probably happened is some girl (or girls) really broke his heart or disrespected him in some way, and so he is storing anger towards women, and his aggressive way of talking about sex is one way in which he is acting out.
7. He uses the word “just” a lot.
If she’s really a friend, then saying, “I’m meeting up with a friend” or referring to her by name shouldn’t be a problem. “She’s just a friend,” “I’m just busy with work,” “It’s just a party with the guys,” and so forth, are not good when happening frequently. “Just” is defensive, and the innocent do not usually feel the need to defend themselves.
Trust me, you don’t want to ignore red flags. If you really, really like a guy, and you think maybe one of his red flags can be justified, then I suggest you talk about it completely openly with him. I’ve even said, “Listen, buddy, I like you and I think you like me too. But the fact that you haven’t called me is a red flag, so tell me what’s up with that.” Sometimes, there really is reasoning behind something and it can still be worth working on. But, in general, a red flag is a red flag, and it’s there, waved loudly and proudly, so that you won’t get unnecessarily hurt.
What other red flags would you add to this list?