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Simply Solo Spotlight: February 31

July 12, 2011

Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Robin of DC BBW’s Blog. She has a unique writing style and I’ve been enjoying her blog about recovering from a tough breakup while being single in the city. I think anyone who has been heartbroken or struggled to connect with someone can empathize with her February 31st sentiment in this post.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

February 31 

when pigs fly, pig flying

She'll start dating when pigs fly. Photo courtesy of Ruby Blossom

February 31 … It is a fictitious date that does not exist. It is my version of “when pigs fly.” That is the date I shall give birth to my children, begin wearing clothing that are in the single digits size-wise and the date I have chosen to resume dating. I am recently coming to terms with a heartbreaking fiasco and when it first happened, I listened to the folks who said I needed to “move on, forget him and find someone new.” I listened to folks who insisted that there should be a time frame for healing and grieving. In the beginning, I was raw and splayed open; even today, almost a year since the breakup and 3 months after his marriage to the unemployed chick with 3 kids, I still have hatred so strong and a love so deep it is utterly ridiculous and I am still gluing pieces of my heart together. But in regards to dating … I simply wanted the hurt to stop and I have heard dating is fun and comes with snacks. Even though I felt dead inside and my heart was in a billion pieces … I wanted the positive attention and free food. I wanted to be out and about and show the world he did not matter, so I tried dating. I am not picky, but I do have standards: be able to pay for the date, or at least your share of it; have the ability to string complete, coherent sentences together; do not be under the influence of alcohol or illegal substances; and smell nice. Not a huge order, right? Yet, I have searched in the real world and the virtual one and I have to wonder: is it me or them? Let’s find out, shall we?

Me: I could say I am having difficulties because I am of a certain age … but we are in an era where 40 is the new 25; by that standard, I am not even 30 yet. I definitely do not look as if I am in my 40s and I certainly am young at heart. I could blame it on being a bigger girl in Barbie Land … but I am not morbidly, sloppy obese. I do not have Jenny Craig on speed dial and I am not in need of having Brookhaven to airlift me to their clinic … yes, I could stand to lose some extra pounds, but I gave up the war with weight long ago. We have worked out a truce where it will not cause me to have to replace an entire wardrobe and I will eat a semi-healthy diet to maintain what I have … and I am comfortable with me and my skin. I know guys are visual creatures, but I am not looking to be every man’s ideal … just the right guy for me, and the physical will only enhance what he sees in me … it will not be all he sees in me. Confidence is supposed to be sexy, right? Admittedly, the fiasco has robbed me of both confidence and esteem, but I am borrowing from family and friends until a deposit is made back into my account. Not only do I have issues and baggage tucked neatly away and out of sight, I am employed, intelligent, easy on the eyes AND nose, witty, do not live with my parents and completely single: no kids, pets or roommates. I have quirky interests and hobbies … yet, I get either stood up or flat-out rejected.

Them: They fall into three categories: liars, picky and crazy. Men misrepresent themselves: they lie about their race, height, weight and age. They lie about their jobs, their salaries and their marital status and /or situation. They are married, attached or have “awkward living situations.” I’m sorry … I have done the Married Man thing and it is belittling and hurtful to everyone involved, so trust me … when I ask a man be completely single … that is what I mean. I know you say you are unhappily married, misunderstood and/or sexually frustrated, but I want to meet more than when schedules allow. I am not looking to be “discreet,” and yes, I DO want my situation changed … and a married/attached guy can’t do this. Of the 150 single men left, over half are gay or bisexual, which rules them out. Bisexuality is hot in porn, but I have real life being something totally different. The rest are just flat out crazy with strange fetishes: I like to consider myself pretty well seasoned and trust me, feet are only the beginning. Some of the things I read and see make my eyes cross and have me wishing I had gone out on the blind date my mother set me up on when I was 16. I could be married with a house and at least 3 kids, having a Hallmark time versus trying to meet the laundry list of requirements the picky ones say their ideal date (not girlfriend, not wife … date) MUST have: between 5 feet and 5’9”; preferably 140 but no more than 165; long legs and hair (natural blondes and redheads to the front of the line); mature, witty, educated and well-traveled. Oh yeah, dude … let me get started right now jumping through all those hoops in hopes you will find me attractive enough for a Starbucks coffee.

In conclusion, maybe it is a combination of me and them and there is no middle ground as no one is willing to compromise. I am still not 100%, …. I need to wait patiently, heal over some more and use this downtime to get to know me more. How will I know what I truly want out of the next relationship if I do not know who I am now? I am definitely not settling for acronyms (FWB) and at this point I need something of substance with someone of substance. On their end, I find the men in this area to be shallow, buying into media inspired stereotypes, they are already committed to a primary relationship and if they are single … there is a reason, and usually it is because they have already prioritized their life and effort and energy towards a (long-term) relationship has been delegated to the “when I get around to it” pile. So dating has been relegated to February 31st or “when pigs fly” status for now.

Do you have a February 31st on your calendar? If so, what could make you change the date or is it set in stone? And anyone have any ideas to make dating fun again?


32 Comments leave one →
  1. Zak permalink
    July 12, 2011 8:47 am

    Robin: great post. I’m sorry you’re meeting so many guys that are liars, picky or crazy. I’ll admit I might fall into the picky category, but that’s because I want someone of intelligence (which you obviously encompass).

    I think I breathed a sigh of releif after reading this part: “The rest are just flat out crazy with strange fetishes: I like to consider myself pretty well seasoned and trust me, feet are only the beginning.” Apparently I’m not as strange as I thought, and I suppose not as strange as so many of the other guys out there.

    I can’t say when – or if – you’ll find the right person for you. I’m still working on that for me. But I would like to think there are other guys like me, looking for good catches, like you. Imagine that among all those liars, picky’s and crazies, there are at least a few good guys, but they (I) never manage to make much of a positive impression, even if they/we tell the complete truth and manage to meet your criteria (and have all our teeth, too!).

    I wish I could give you some easy way to spot the winners from the losers, but I can’t. If I knew how, I’d probably score more dates. Good luck, you deserve a good guy.

    • July 12, 2011 10:28 am

      Zak, thanks so much…..not only for the encouragement and kind words, but for restoring hope! 🙂 Our turn on the merry-go-round is coming up (again!)…..we can hang in there together!

  2. July 12, 2011 9:30 am

    Jeez– you need a virtual hug, Robin! But like you said, dating IS fun (at least its supposed to be) and is DOES come with snacks so hang in there 🙂

    • Zak permalink
      July 12, 2011 12:28 pm

      Yeah, about these snacks… where do I go for them? I must’ve missed the sign or something…

      • July 12, 2011 1:50 pm

        You provide them, I eat them! 🙂 You can bring pastries and super sweet tea.

  3. July 12, 2011 9:31 am

    Jeez– you need a virtual hug, Robin! But like you said, dating IS fun (at least its supposed to be) and is DOES come with snacks so hang in there 🙂 Then again, it occurs to me that this might be one of those times when its appropriate to say, “It will happen when you stop looking…”

    • July 12, 2011 10:30 am

      Kat….LOVE your picture!! And beleive me, I have given up on looking. Not really ( snacks are good!) but I hve given up on expectations of the NEXT BIG THING…..at least right now. It helps that my last date revealed he is bi-polar AND off his meds!

  4. July 12, 2011 9:58 am

    Robin, I sure hope you got a great snack. Typically the most demanding (ie ones who have such specific standards to even look at a potential date) men are the ones with the very, VERY least to offer. Hang in there, and we’re all rooting for your Feb. 31st to roll around!

    • July 12, 2011 10:32 am

      Hi, Tori….the snacks have been great…the company, not so much. 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement!

  5. July 12, 2011 10:19 am

    Robin, I can very much relate to your post.

    I am having my own February 31st of sorts. Not that I have sworn off dating entirely, but sworn off getting too involved. Not sure if it’s a defense mechanism or asserting that I am an independent woman (think Zooey Deschanel in (500) Days of Summer), but I find myself approaching it with caution and a critical lens. I am rediscovering who I am and want to be post-breakup, AND, also dealing with feeling bitter and jaded about how it all went down 🙂

    Thanks for your story. I know you’ll find your happiness.

    • July 12, 2011 10:35 am

      KD….I relate so much to the bitter and jaded feelings. I wonder if that plays a role in my attitude towards dating now. And I am the opposite…IF I find a date that has potential, I struggle not to get all overly involved just to stave off the lingering hurt and loneliness.
      And I LOVE (500) Days of Summer!

  6. July 12, 2011 10:38 am

    Robin: Love the post and I can totally relate! It will get better and I think your plan to heal and love and learn yourself is perfect!
    I have one little bone to pick and that is- don’t down us girls with children. Children are not a terminal disease, nor do I believe a woman without children is a hotter commodity than those with them. It’s all relative and to each is own.
    I encounter this mindset often and I believe it is unfair and close-minded.

    But I digress, and resume to my well wishes for your future happiness and love!

    • July 12, 2011 11:25 am

      Hi, Liber8ted……sweetie, I am soooo sorry if it came across as if I were belittling single moms. I think you guys are GREAT ( I could not do what you do), but it is evident my bitterness over the breakup still comes across. My ex told me for 6 years, he wanted a woman without children, His were grown and he did not want anymore….and he married the woman with the kids.
      Thanks for pointing that out to me and for your positive thoughts and encouragement. 🙂

  7. July 12, 2011 10:52 am

    “Oh yeah, dude … let me get started right now jumping through all those hoops in hopes you will find me attractive enough for a Starbucks coffee.”

    I almost spat my Diet Mountain Dew onto my keyboard. I felt like that so many times when I was dating. I found that most men seem to have much higher opinions of themselves than they should while most women are more insecure. With attitudes like the men advertising on dating sites, it’s no wonder.

    Great post!

    • July 12, 2011 11:28 am

      Thanks, Melissa!! 🙂

    • Zak permalink
      July 12, 2011 12:31 pm

      Well, to be fair, most women don’t project those insecurities towards men, and we are so often shut down while trying to just start up a conversation. So… just remember that sometimes the guy trying to get your attention that doesn’t seem that exciting… is the one you actually (supposedly) want.

      /rant from single guy who can never find good girls to give him the time of day!

      • July 12, 2011 12:46 pm

        I hear that a lot here in the DC area…that there ARE good guys, but women don’t give them a chance. Seriously, I am one of the most open, friendliest and kind hearted people I know ( so sayeth she with no bias 🙂 ) and I smile at strangers, strike up the random conversation and…..nothing. I do have dates and still meet men, but like the good guys, am relegated to “friend’ status.

        • Zak permalink
          July 13, 2011 9:01 am

          Having moved from DC four years ago and now living in Jacksonville (“the south”), I can say this: it’s the same anywhere you go.

  8. July 12, 2011 6:14 pm

    Robin, I am right there with you. I went through a horrendous break-up….We were together for 4 years, I got into med school and out of the “fog” of the relationship…I discovered in small painful fragments that the love of my life didn’t actually exist and that this man that I devoted my life to, was actually a complete and utter facade with not just a double, but a triple life. I spent a year battling the fact that I loved him utterly and completely and the fact that he was a complete jerk and a VERY GOOD salesman. In an attempt to get through the painful loss, I dove head-first into dating and allowing my friends to set me up. I encountered men that were “first-date” winners, but complete and utter jerks when effort was required. I was so hurt by the process and just pain defeated. I came to a realization a year into this whole dating situation that dating and love should not be this painful and this horrid. It’s something that should add to your life, not make or break it. It’s something that should bring you joy and happiness. It did none of that for me. It made me anxious, nauseous and just plain sad and even more aware of the fact that I was completely and utterly alone. And so I’m at that February 31st point in my life, where dating isn’t something I can even consider. I need to just figure out how to enjoy life with me, and to accept that the life I had planned for 5 years isn’t what’s going to happen. For the time being the person who should be the focus in my life is “me” and it sounds like you are doing the same thing. I think in order to accept the trials of dating we have to accept and love ourselves so that we are not hindered by dating, but rather amused. Thanks again for the great article it’s great to know there are women out there going through the same stuff I’m dealing with. Best of luck to you!!!

  9. July 12, 2011 11:10 pm

    Bumberina…thanks so much for the advice and encouragement!! You are absolutely right…dating and love should come easily and the person you love shoudl make you laugh moe than they make you cry.
    Dating is too stressful and pretty much non-existent (2 drinks and back to your place for “dessert” is NOT a date) and like I told Kat, last date was a bi-polar dude off his meds.
    Glad to know it is NOT just me ….keep your head up and I will do the same. 🙂

  10. July 13, 2011 10:20 am

    Really awesome post, you’re a great writer! And anyone who’s tried dating in this crazy modern world can identify with what you’re going through. I, too, am in heartbreak recovery mode and dipping my toes into the world of dating now, and boy- it’s hard. People have expectations, we have expectations, people have diverse reasons for dating that do not always match our own, and a lot of people suck.

    I think making dating fun again is about perspective- there are a lot of crazies, pickies, and unavailablies out there that suck the energy and willingness right out of us, if we let them. Once, I was on a date with a guy who was really putting up an act to make up for what I imagine was his bruised ego, and it was such a turn-off, but at one point I had the thought, “maybe there’s a lesson in here. maybe I’m meant to learn something from him.” And so I switched from “we’re on a date” to “what am I here to learn?” and ended up having a lot of fun. I was even able to tell the guy that I thought he was acting out a part and not being himself, and he and I had a great conversation about it. He didn’t turn out to be the love of my life, but we had a fun date in the end, and I didn’t feel like I’d wasted my time.

    I’ve found that it’s also fun to start activities and try new things where you might meet someone new. Go on meetup.com and find groups doing things you might never have imagined trying. Start a book club, a baking event, a writing-swap group. Also, do the “physical therapy” that your heart requires: do things that nourish you and your beauty and worth, every day.

    I look forward to reading more of your writing! Catherine rocks at picking out guest posters!

    Larissa

  11. July 13, 2011 12:07 pm

    Larissa. thanks so much for the advice and the great compliments. I like how you turned the date around and I am taking notes, girlfriend! 🙂

  12. July 13, 2011 1:36 pm

    You’re in DC, eh? Too bad…you sound pretty awesome to me! I’d ask you out in a heartbeat, and I wouldn’t set the date for February 31st!

    • July 13, 2011 3:37 pm

      Awww….thanks, Mark. And last I checked…we had highways and roads, a train station, a bus station AND two airports! 🙂

  13. July 13, 2011 7:05 pm

    Great post, Robin! I’ll be stopping by your blog 🙂

  14. July 14, 2011 9:07 am

    Thanks, Under. 🙂 Hope you enjoy it….

  15. July 19, 2011 9:34 am

    Definitely going to be checking out YOUR blog! I loved your post. I’m with you…still getting over a nasty breakup and wondering why I’m not over it yet.

    Dating isn’t fun! I find that bad dates, even mediocre dates, make me miss my ex…and he was an asshole! I don’t think it’s good for me to date until I’m completely ready…meaning, completely okay with things not working out.

    -Lucky

  16. July 28, 2011 9:41 pm

    Despite being a guy, I can relate to all that you said, Robin. It would be great if dating was something to actually look forward to, opposed to something to dread.

  17. Danielle permalink
    December 3, 2011 9:10 pm

    Wow at the biphobia. Just wow. At least they can weed out *You*.

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