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Simply Solo Spotlight: Having to Leave The Good Guy

August 2, 2011

Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Emma. Her story completely tugged at my heart strings, not just because it’s beautifully written but because I think it’s an experience with which many of us can identify. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

Having to Leave The Good Guy

jeju island beach
Jeju Island – Photo courtesy of The Daily Ornellas

Jeju Island is the paradise of Korea. A small, luscious island of rolling waves and foggy skies, Jeju hosts newlyweds dressed in matching outfits, horseback rides, and turquoise waters. There are old women who dive in the sea for oysters and fat-skinned oranges. Jeju Island is Korea’s romantic mecca. Jeju Island is where I broke up with Kyungnam.

It was just this May. Kyungnam and I had been together since I’d arrived in Korea to teach English nine months before. We’d met through one of my co-workers and had an instant connection—the kind where you’ve just met and within an hour you’re holding hands. It took me a little while to warm up to the idea of a relationship. I’d only been in Korea two weeks when we met. I believed I should embark on this adventure by myself. But, I loved Kyungnam’s free-loving spirit, how he was loved easily by so many, how he said my name, how he wasn’t aloof like so many young men I’d met. Kyungnam was a handsome charmer, but he was genuine. Within a month, we were inseparable. Within 6, we’d decided to move in together.

Riding bikes in Kangchon, South Korea
Emma on Kyungnam’s Handlebars in Kangchon, South Korea

Kyungnam and I drew plans to travel together, to move to America together, to blah blah blah together. It should’ve made me happy and excited to think about a life with him, but it didn’t. It just made me anxious. Still, Kyungnam was the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He brought home my favorite foods for me after work, he gave me massages every night without asking for them in return. He gave me gifts and tried to write me poems, though he always said he wasn’t a writer. Kyungnam not only told me daily that he loved me, but he showed it. He traveled hours to see me late at night and showed me off to all of his friends. “Isn’t she so amazing?” he would say, with eyes twinkling, “Isn’t she the best woman in the whole world?” We went to China and Japan together. In China, the women told me how lucky I was to have such a handsome boyfriend and I marveled at his ability to bargain at the Silk Market. In Japan, we dressed in kimonos and kissed each other on bed mats. I opened a fortune at a Japanese palace. It told me to be sincere to my boyfriend.

And sincere I was, which is why I broke up with Kyungnam on Jeju Island. If you’re on the most romantic island in the country, surrounded by tropical trees and wild horses with the person you most dearly love, then you should probably feel good while you’re on vacation. I felt terrible. Having this much extended time with Kyungnam proved to me that I wasn’t ready for what he wanted. I found myself snapping at him, which made me hate myself. He was so good, so loving, so everything…and I felt….so guilty.

On our last night on Jeju, I told him the truth. What followed was the most excruciating pain I have ever been through. I cried for a week straight. I couldn’t sleep in our bed because I kept finding his hair in the sheets, so I slept on the floor. I saw him in my sink, in the shower, out the window. Every time I saw something written in Korean, I felt as though my heart were being pinched. I sobbed to a Korean woman on a subway platform, who just held me, unable to communicate with me, but giving just the same. I felt disappointed, sad, guilty, and alone. I called my Korean teacher, Seon Joo, who took me into her family’s home with open arms. She helped me move out of the apartment and into hers. That’s where I live now. In a race car bed, no less.

I’m not sure what it was inside me that felt that what Kyungnam and I had together wasn’t right. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not ready for that level of commitment or because of who he is or because of who I was when I was with him. Two months later, I still don’t have the answers. I don’t want to believe that cultural differences and homes across the world can separate two people that love each other. Before Kyungnam, I always believed that loving someone would be enough to instill me with the desire to make things work. Maybe it will someday, but not when I’m not sure where I want to live, what I want to do, or who I want to be. On Jeju Island, I realized that the only way I could move on and be happy again was if I left Kyungnam. I didn’t want to leave him, but I knew I couldn’t stay. The sooner I left, the sooner I would find myself again.

Have I found that self again? Have I found new happiness? No, not even close, though there have been good days and good experiences. I am confident, however, that I made the right decision. I miss Kyungnam every day, but my future is open and free. I am making progress and reclaiming myself. I’ve taken on new students, learned what it’s like to live with a Korean family, and made new friends. When I finish in Korea next month, I’ll be traveling through Thailand and Cambodia on my own. After that, I’ll return to the United States as a young woman who has undergone much growth.

There are a lot of people who stay in relationships because they are afraid of hurting the other person. There are people who stay because they’re afraid they will never find anyone else. I understand these fears, but life does go on. Life goes on even when you’re across the world in South Korea, far from anything that you know. A relationship should be a positive addition to your life, not something that makes you feel anxious, depressed, and confused. Kyungnam was the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and it killed me to hurt him. I always say that he’s the best man in all of Korea, but being with him didn’t bring me great happiness. It may not have worked out between us, but I’ll always feel grateful for everything that Kyungnam gave me: new life experiences, a grasp on Korea, and so much love. I broke my own heart and I broke someone else’s, but I stayed true to myself.

Sometimes I ride the subway and don’t think of him. Other times I swear I see his face in the window at Guro Station. Either way, I am moving. I am going somewhere. I’m getting off subway cars and climbing up the stairs and into the sunshine. Kyungnam is out there, too, doing the same thing that I am. We loved each other and we lost. Now, we are moving on.


50 Comments leave one →
  1. August 2, 2011 9:01 am

    I absolutely positively needed to read this today! I am floored how on time this post is! I am in tears! Thank you Emma and Catherine, I too have to “leave the good guy” and I had no idea how I was going to make it happen. But now I know I just do, I have to JUST DO IT, and remain true to myself. *sigh*

    • August 2, 2011 7:44 pm

      Liber8tedsoul, I’m happy that the post came at the right time for you. The silver lining of leaving someone that you love (when it isn’t right) is that you start moving towards something better. I felt so stuck in my relationship. One of the emotions that my mother could hear in my voice when we broke up was relief. That relief doesn’t make it easier and it doesn’t make the guilt go away, but relieving the weight is important. I was tempted to go back to Kyungnam after we broke up, but I knew that breaking things completely was best for HIM. If I’d recommend anything, I’d recommend not stringing anyone along.

  2. August 2, 2011 9:12 am

    Good post! There are good guys out there, but sometimes we’re just not ready for them or they’re not ready for us.

    I love this part: “Either way, I am moving. I am going somewhere.”

    • August 2, 2011 7:45 pm

      Going from being stuck to moving! That’s why I had to go. Thanks for reading 🙂

  3. August 2, 2011 9:43 am

    Wonderful post. I am sure many of us can identify with this on different levels, whether it’s leaving the ‘nice’ guy or girl, or being in relationship that was never quite right out of fear – fear of hurting the other person and/or fear of being alone. Sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same (thanks the Fray).

    Best wishes to you Emma..

    • August 2, 2011 7:47 pm

      Thanks for reading, KD. The easy path isn’t usually the best one. It’s certainly not the most interesting one. I wouldn’t be in South Korea if I wanted “easy!”

      Best wishes to you.

  4. August 2, 2011 10:57 am

    Oh man what a great post…

    You truly captured the essence of what it’s like to break up with a guy that’s not…bad by any respect. Sometimes we don’t break up with each other because the other person is “bad,” but because the love can’t last and the relationship can’t work because of other circumstances.

    Kinda sounds like my life….

    • August 2, 2011 7:49 pm

      Yes, and sometimes we don’t break up with someone because something went “wrong.” I grappled with that idea for a long time, trying to figure out what it was that DIDN’T WORK between us. Now I’m at a point where I’ve given up trying to find the answer. No one did anything really WRONG, but something wasn’t right. For me, this was totally an instance of circumstance. Living in South Korea is such a crazy thing in itself, nevermind trying to have a committed relationship alongside of it…with a Korean.

      Thanks for your comment :).

  5. August 2, 2011 12:36 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this post. So moving, so relatable. The last man I broke up with was wonderful… but not the one for me. It’s a terrible feeling to have to hurt someone, and the more you care for them, the less it’s something that has to be done to keep from hurting both of you far worse later.

    PS Interesting coincidence: Some dozen years ago, the night I left my (now ex) husband, my best friend took me in… I slept on her son’s race car bed.

    • August 2, 2011 7:52 pm

      It’s so true that you break up to prevent more hurt later. If I hadn’t broken up with Kyungnam in Korea, he would have moved to America for me. Imagine if I had broken up with him then and had to send him home. How horrible!

      I love that coincidence. Many people have admitted to me that they’ve also spent time in a race car bed. Another metaphor of “moving on” and “going places”… har har.

      Thanks for reading!

  6. August 2, 2011 1:00 pm

    i’ve never dated a good guy. But it’s comforting to know they are out there, somewhere.

    -L

    • August 2, 2011 7:53 pm

      They are! Really! Kyungnam wasn’t the first one I’ve been with. Don’t settle for less!

  7. August 2, 2011 2:34 pm

    Sometimes, things that are perfect on paper, don’t translate. Sometimes, when we’re given what we think we want, or what we’re told we want, it doesn’t fulfill us.

    No matter how hard it was and still is, you did the right thing.

    • August 2, 2011 7:55 pm

      Thank you, Nikki. It’s understanding like yours that confirmed that I was doing the right thing even though it was really hard. Before I met Kyungnam, I really thought I wanted a full on commitment. Once I had that, I realized how young I felt and how ill-equipped I was to handle such a relationship. It didn’t fulfill me because I was in a position where I wanted to be fulfilled by my own experiences, rather than a relationship. There were so many outside factors bleeding it. It just wasn’t the time or place!

      Thank you!

  8. August 2, 2011 5:53 pm

    What a beautiful post. I’ve been in your shoes, and it’s a brutal thing to have to hurt someone you love. It’s particularly hard when you can’t articulate what isn’t working – you just know that it isn’t working. Congratulations on being able to recognize that the relationship wasn’t what you wanted and on having the courage to act on it.

    • August 2, 2011 7:56 pm

      Thanks for this message. Imagine trying to explain it all to Kyungnam– it was such a nightmare. I know he couldn’t really understand why I left :-/. Thanks for reading.

      • Shadrack Midenyo permalink
        June 12, 2014 12:42 am

        One day, a guy will do that to you the moment you think you are everything to him, then you’ll know how much it hurts. It was not the right thing to do, you should have stopped it long before it became serious, he’s probably breaking hearts right now. This us how women turn men into jerks.

  9. August 3, 2011 12:07 am

    This is such a beautiful post and brings back many, many memories of my own heartache (which thankfully, for the first time ever, feels like it was many, many moons ago). Though my story is much different, I understand finding myself on a completely different page as someone else and sometimes it’s our own insecurities that keep us in place where we are, regardless of whether or not we’re happy.

    I wish you the best of luck always… but it sounds to me you are well on your way to discovering a whole new you. And following a breakup like the one you had with Kyungnam that’s the best place to be 🙂

    • August 3, 2011 7:34 am

      Thank you for this beautiful comment. I’m glad you felt compelled to respond, even though it reminds you of your own heart ache. Maybe it doesn’t even matter how things end. These emotions feel the same…terrible feelings of longing, disappointment, regret, confusion, etc.

      And yes, we were on different pages. I hope that I meet someone someday who is on a similar page as I am…or that I’m someday on a page where I feel “ready.”

  10. pingping permalink
    August 3, 2011 4:41 am

    Amazing! I feel like ive just watched a movie(a GREAT one) after reading this! this one surely one of the best i ve ever read.XD.You made a wise decision (i think i made a great one too)and i know time changes everything. we r moving on ! BTY, will u put this one in ur BOOK as the foreword? XD

    • August 3, 2011 7:40 am

      Haha, thanks for the comment PingPing. You are my biggest fan. You were here in Korea to actually watch the real-life movie. I’ll meet you one day in China. Lots of love…xoxoxox.

  11. August 3, 2011 6:12 am

    Emma,your story was so well written that in one short post I got a whole visual of your story. People come in our lives,some touch our lives but if things don’t work out with these people then it’s always better move on.I appreciate your honesty towards yourself.By being sincere to Kyungnam you have been true to your relationship and have saved two lives. I think somewhere down the line he will also realize this. One thing more, you need to be a little more serious with relationships. I was also a lot of this thing called fickle minded but off late I have started thinking deeply and differently.

    • August 3, 2011 7:38 am

      Kate, Thanks for your kind comments about the writing. I appreciate your advice that I should be more serious, but I think I’ve learned that lesson the hardest way. This one has hurt me so much that it’s really taught me about the power of relationships and attachments. I don’t think I’ll enter another relationship unless I’m ready for a deeper kind of commitment. While I appreciate your sentiments, I want to remind you that I’m still young. I’m only 23…and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with exploring what’s out there…in a not so serious way. I’m a deeply emotional person…and I’m not saying that I shouldn’t be MORE serious in my relationships (or in my pursuit of them), but at the same time…I took what I had with Kyungnam really seriously, which is why I wasn’t able to say “Hey! See you later!” when I felt as though it weren’t going anywhere. It didn’t matter to me that we were really different and when I entered the relationship I didn’t know what I was really looking for in a man or in a relationship. I loved him deeply and I learned the hard way that sometimes love isn’t really enough. Life goes on! 🙂

  12. Nancy permalink
    August 3, 2011 8:47 am

    Beautifully written, and I wish you all the best. BUT, I’ve been in Kyungnam’s shoes – twice! It’s a horrible place to be in, and I certainly feel for him. You think you’ve done everything right, and all the other person can say is some version of “It’s not you, it’s me.” It wrecks havoc with your self esteem and takes quite a while to recoup. But yes, life does go on, and after several other failed relationships (for various reasons) I’ve been married now to a wonderful man for 23 years. With age DOES come wisdom.

    • August 3, 2011 10:09 am

      Nancy, I’m really glad you brought Kyungnam’s side up. I knew that leaving Kyungnam would hurt him tremendously. I felt so guilty leaving him because of that…and I think that’s why I stayed as long as I did. I am still trying to forgive myself for inflicting him with pain. After we broke up, I wrote a poem (modeled after Aphrodite and Hephaestus, don’t know if you’re familiar with Greek mythology) with the lines, “When he hammers, I hammer. When he cries, it rains” to depict this feeling– a feeling of living inside someone else’s emotions. When Kyungnam expressed pain, I felt it acutely. I hated hurting him more than anything.

      I’m truly sorry for the pain that was inflicted on you by others and am happy to hear that you’re now married to someone wonderful. Just remember that you wouldn’t be married to him if those jerk-offs (people like me…okay…I’m a jerk-off) hadn’t left you before. I hope Kyungnam finds someone someday who can treat him as well as he treated me, who can give him all he deserves. It might be really painful for me to see that, but one if the reasons I left him was so that he could find someone/something better.

      His self-esteem might be a little bit shot, but he’s the most confident man I’ve ever met…actually he broke a number of hearts before this happened to him. The last time I talked to him, he reminded me of how handsome and smart he is (he is both of those things, with or without arrogance). I know he’ll be okay.

  13. Rachel permalink
    August 3, 2011 10:03 am

    I’m so glad that you wrote this at this time because I just broke up with my fiancee two days ago. He was the nicest, sweetest man I have ever met, but something was never quite right. I still really love him, but I just couldn’t marry him because of a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried to silence it. I feel terrible because he was one of the good guys and that almost makes it harder. Thanks again for your post!

    • August 3, 2011 7:11 pm

      Rachel, I know what that nagging feeling is and although I know it was extremely hard, you did the right thing. Keep looking forward, don’t glance over your shoulder. If he’s the one, you would have known. If you’re super confused, in time, you will know. A pastor told me once to pick up a book and place it so close to my face that my nose is touching it. He then asked me, “Can you read it the words on the page?” I obviously couldn’t. Then he told me, “Now place the book down on a table in front of you. Can you read the pages now?” And I could. Sometimes we’re too deep in, too emotionally involved with someone to see clearly. When we decide to take some steps back we are able to see things we couldn’t when we were so close. Use this time of singleness to find your purpose in life. You have gifts, if you don’t know what they are, reflect. Think of what you’ve always loved or had a passion for. Your gift may simply be the ability to communicate to people in ways they can relate. You obviously are a writer. Write what your passionate about. If your broken, cry out for healing. You were made to be loved and to love in return. You are a princess. You’ll figure it out. God bless.

      • September 20, 2011 2:42 pm

        Wow. I needed this today. The priest who was supposed to marry my ex and I once said, “listening to what the Lord has to say isn’t always easy. Sometimes you just have to get out of God’s way and let God work’. It meant so much to me.

        • September 20, 2011 5:03 pm

          That’s awesome. Trust me, I’ve heard the same thing before. And you know what happened when I got out of God’s way? I was with a guy (the wrong guy although I wanted him to be the right one so desperately), I let the guy go and then a few weeks later, I met the man of my dreams (literally; I dreamt of the guy) who is now my husband =). It may not happen as quickly for you, but the point is that it does and no matter how much we think someone is or should be the one, God knows way better than we do. I thank God that He helped get rid of my ex and place a true prince in my path. I pray you’re able to focus on God and grow in love with your King first. Then, as Jesus says, “Everything else will be added to you.”

    • Marisol permalink
      November 6, 2011 8:42 pm

      This story is a great life changing experience. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years for third or fourth time. I’m trying to be strong to make this one the last one and move on. But I have the same feelings that I’m leaving a good guy, and it breaks my heart. I have dreamed a whole life with him, but we never got along. I don’t understand why we love each other so much since the relationship never really works. I have lost 2 years of myself, I give him all my time, my attention, even my dreams. Now I feel empty and very sad, but I still know that he is not the one, because love doesn’t supposed to hurt, and I feel that I have been suffering all these time. I have not peace, not happiness, not joy… He is a good guy, but he does not love me the way I need it. Deep in my heart I’m waiting for his call, but I have been also waiting to be happy for over two years, that’s why I know that I need to move on without him, just I do not know how… Emma I really appreciated your story, you are a very strong person.

      • November 12, 2011 7:29 pm

        Hi Marisol,
        Only you know what is right for you. I believe you are making the right decision – breaking up that many times means something. Be strong, try to spend sometime on yourself right now. You deserve someone who makes you happy and doesn’t give you these doubts. Take care of yourself 🙂

  14. August 3, 2011 10:32 am

    Wow, Rachel, I’m impressed you can write with such poise after only two days. Good for you!

    I had that feeling in the back of my mind, too. It said “you don’t really want this, you’re not ready, this isn’t right.” I was able to push those thoughts away for a long time, but I felt relieved when KN and I broke up. I felt an insane amount of pain…but there was also this sense of calm…like…now it’s over…now I can recover….now I can piece my life back together.

    Good luck with everything and my best wishes. It’s not easy, but I can say that 2 months later I’m okay and alive. This blog will be a great resource for you in trying to bounce back from a relationship. Catherine has done a great job with it.

  15. August 3, 2011 10:57 am

    what a great post emma i can totally relate to this. sometimes it seems like something is good but your heart just isnt in it…. happiness is around the corner

    • August 3, 2011 8:26 pm

      How far do I have to walk to get to that corner!? 😛

  16. August 3, 2011 11:36 am

    What a great post…and such a heart wrenching story. I do think it is something that many of us can relate to on some level. Sometimes…no matter how wonderful someone might be…if it doesn’t “feel right” it just can’t work ….

    • August 3, 2011 8:26 pm

      It’s hard to listen to the gut feeling of “this isn’t right” when you can’t find any reasons! That feeling of it not being right was causing me to be jerky to Kyungnam. I hated that.

      • Marisol permalink
        November 6, 2011 8:51 pm

        Well I can say I related to that; I have many reasons to say that my relationship didn’t work, but I have no reasons to say he was a bad guy. We just are not for each other and it is what really hurt because I want him to be the one, and he says that I’m the one for him, but we keep fighting and I keep crying and far away from happiness and inner peace. I cannot go on with my life like this, I feel so insecure, unhappy, lost and confuse when I’m with him; and I feel the same without him just that without him I have the hope that there is someone else out there that can really love me without changing me and without so much effort… Thank you all of you, all these comments are helping me tonight…

  17. August 3, 2011 7:00 pm

    There is a “the one” out there. But the timing has to be right. Your heart has to be prepared for the other person. That’s why I love courting and prefer it over dating. My philosophy: dating is preparing for breakups, courting is preparing for life-long commitment, for marriage. My husband and I before getting married dated, and it was a somewhat similar process that I had been through with every guy before him and it led us to the same place: breakup. But when we got back together, we decided to court. Six months later we were married. But before we met, God was preparing our hearts and when we did, though there were some bumps in the road along the way, everything else fell into place.

    • August 3, 2011 8:23 pm

      Excuse me, maybe it’s because I live over here in South Korea, but what is courting (outside of a historical context)?

  18. August 3, 2011 7:12 pm

    I know that Catherine thinks any guy who claims to be a “good guy” isn’t really a good guy, but I’m a “good guy” – no, really – so it’s interesting to read this post from a woman’s perspective. I think it just goes to show that if the spark isn’t there, the chemistry, it doesn’t matter how “good” a person is – the relationship just isn’t right. It’d be like the Fourth of July without fireworks: pleasant enough, probably fun, but all rather pointless in the end.

    • August 3, 2011 8:20 pm

      Mark, I want to take this opportunity to let you know that I didn’t leave BECAUSE he was a good guy, not that that’s what you’re saying. There are some women who want more passion, more of a chase, and kind of sickly enjoy not getting full emotional attention and being treated like shit. To some, if the guy is “nice,” he is boring. Kyungnam is a great example of a truly excellent man in every respect (for me). Not only was he “good”, but he was also passionate, smart, interesting, fun, etc. It’s a little bit like the 4th of July, but it’s more like arriving in a winter coat rather than having no fireworks. It’s 90 degrees and you can’t focus on the food or the fireworks because you’re so damn hot and uncomfortable. You’ve showed up at the wrong time in the wrong outfit. You’re thinking it’s December when it’s July.

  19. August 4, 2011 7:43 pm

    It’s similar to the historical kind. It’s basically first getting to know one another on a friendship level. Not getting too deep in the beginning, i.e. secrets, emotional stories of the past, family issues etc. You save that for later to avoid building up emotions too soon. You get to know this person with the idea of possibly eventually marrying them. If you know for sure this isn’t the person you are going to someday marry, you simply don’t court them. You also build the physical with time and there are boundaries. You do not have sex with the person or even come close to it. The man respects your body and treats you with purity. You basically aid in preparing one another for marriage. If that person ends up not being the one, since there wasn’t a lot of physical connection (that bring deep rooted emotions and feelings for a person), it’s not as painful and there isn’t any guilt or regret. You have accountability, for example, you do not spend time alone together at one another’s place. You stay in public places if you’re going to be alone and hang out with others if you’re going to be somewhere more private. As my husband put it from the man’s perspective it’s, “Preparing your [the woman’s] heart for marriage, protecting your name, and getting to love you for your heart, not for the way you make me feel,”

  20. Emma permalink
    August 5, 2011 3:25 am

    I can see how that would work, but what if you’re not really sure you want to get married…? You know, like if you’re 23, and you don’t really want to get married until you’re 30? It just seems really…serious. I agree that it’s a good idea to assess who you’re dating before getting deeply emotionally and physically involved, but I can’t say I really want to be treated with “purity.” In fact, that sounds awful. For me personally, it’s almost a lie. I am not pure and have no desire to be. I’m quite a sexual person and would not want to give that up– nevermind asking the man to give it up. Screw him, I’m worried about my pleasure! I guess “courting” is like a protection program to prevent you from hurt in some ways. When it comes down to it, if we’re dating/courting and getting ideas about who we might be with, we’re bound to get hurt anyway. I mean– sometimes you start courting and might THINK someone is what you want, but they’re not. Even if you haven’t slept with them, don’t you think just the idea of them in your life might leave you with some pain and disappointment after they go?

    What you’re describing is actually quite a Korean-sounding dating practice, as everyone lives with their parents at home and has no place to be physical.

  21. August 5, 2011 6:22 pm

    I agree that there might be some pain and disappointment, but not nearly as bad as if you had been sexually intimate with the person. It’s been scientifically proven that women build a bond with a man after a mere 20 second hug, imagine the bond when they are skin to skin. During intercourse, our brains release oxytocin, but the more partners we have, the more it decreases so by the time we finally settle down and get married, the ability to connect and bond is damaged. And not that you’re suicidal, but young women that are sexually active are three times more likely to commit suicide than their virgin girlfriends. I still remember the way my head would spin and I would hyperventilate at the touch of my exes body against mine. After meeting my husband, I wish I had never been so intimate with a man. I wish only he was the one who I connected with on that level although I thank God I never got to go all the way my ex, there are still memories that can only be suppressed but never permanently removed. Another good reason to be pure is let’s say you get engaged and you both choose to remain abstinent until marriage. The degree of trust is so much stronger and the chances of you worrying if he will cheat on you diminishes greatly because you remember, “Well, he waited for me for that whole time and he loved me.” Not only that, but what if, God forbid, something happens to one of you after marriage and you can’t have sex for a few months. Then what? However, if the relationship was not built upon that or even partly built on that, sure you’d wish you could do something, but it would be a lot easier to deal with. That happened to a pastor at my church and his wife. He was so excited to finally get to be with her and only a few weeks or so after they got married she got a HIP INJURY. He couldn’t have sex with her for THREE MONTHS, but he was able to deal and not cheat on her because he waited for her anyways that whole time and loved her completely for her heart. Men may not tell you, but the would be honored to have a woman tell them, “I waited for you.” You can’t change the past and re-virginize yourself, but you can change your present actions. You may not see the harmful affects the sexual activity is having on you, but truly, when you choose not to, you are protecting your heart and not only that, but letting the man know, “I value myself and I believe I am worth waiting for. If you don’t think so, you weren’t worth it anyway.” There are men who will wait. And you are precious, your body gives access to your soul. When you have sex, you open yourself up to a man. It is not merely physical, it is a very spiritual act. I pray you see the benefits of waiting and choose to wait for your prince. Honestly, no other guy deserves it.

  22. September 20, 2011 5:02 pm

    That’s awesome. Trust me, I’ve heard the same thing before. And you know what happened when I got out of God’s way? I was with a guy (the wrong guy although I wanted him to be the right one so desperately), I let the guy go and then a few weeks later, I met the man of my dreams (literally; I dreamt of the guy) who is now my husband =). It may not happen as quickly for you, but the point is that it does and no matter how much we think someone is or should be the one, God knows way better than we do. I thank God that He helped get rid of my ex and place a true prince in my path. I pray you’re able to focus on God and grow in love with your King first. Then, as Jesus says, “Everything else will be added to you.”

  23. Miss Delany permalink
    November 23, 2011 11:58 pm

    This just made me cry and cry. I was recently let go by the person I thought was the man of my dreams, he said he just had to leave because he needed space and he needed to figure out what he wanted from life. He really is a great guy and I miss him everyday, but I feel like this really is his side of the story. How can I hate him for being true to himself? It just hurts so badly….

  24. Micheal permalink
    February 1, 2012 7:04 pm

    Thank you for this post! I am actually a male nursing student, and the love of my life broke up with me two weeks before Christmas, and a month before I was gonna ask her to marry me. We had planned our entire lives together, and we were high school AND college sweethearts. She refuses to see me or to speak to me, but hopefully it is because of reasons similar to yours.

  25. evelin permalink
    September 23, 2012 12:04 pm

    You sound like my ex. He didn’t want to hurt me but, he did. He couldn’t be himself with me around and although it hurt him, he did what was best for him, he let me go and was honest with himself. I just have to accept it although it is breaking my heart I have to do the same. Please tell me how you found the strength to walk away? My ex walked away about a year and a half ago and the last six months I just haven’t been that supportive. I told him I wanted him to grow and be happy but I’m just not making it easy for him or for that matter myself. Please let me know how I can find teh strength to let us both be happy?

  26. K.K. permalink
    May 18, 2013 10:58 am

    I couldn’t leave a guy I thought was the ‘good guy’ (turns out I was too blinded to see how much of a wreck the relationship was). Luckily he noticed me trying to get out and ended it. I thank him everyday for that.

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