Simply Solo Spotlight: Don’t Ask Silly Questions
Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Nikki from Women Are From Mars. I absolutely love Nikki’s blog – she is open in a way that I can only imagine being, and her topics are always super thought-provoking. I’m so happy she brought her perspective and honesty to Simply Solo. Read this post, tell us what you think in the comments and then definitely head over to Nikki’s blog.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Don’t Ask Silly Questions.
“So. How’s your love life these days? Met anyone special recently?”
You know, I find this question somewhat bothersome. And not for the … typical reasons (e.g. most people don’t like to be reminded that they’re all single n’ stuff.).
You can remind me I’m single all you like (although it can be mildly trying to be reminded when I’m not getting laid regularly enough). However. Asking me about if I’ve met anyone recently still annoys me because …Well. That question fails to be particularly relevant to my life.
Might as well ask me if I’m ovulating. Or if I’ve put an offer down on a house recently.
It’s just not really pertinent. See, my life is full up to bursting – and finding a partner? In terms of my priorities? Well, it just didn’t make the cut.
As a good friend said to me recently: “[Nikki], you aren’t going to ‘find anyone.’ Hell, to get you in a relationship, someone would have to be just about perfect, and then plop themselves right down in your lap. And not leave. Even after you’ve [been intimate] and shown little interest in anything further. Imagine the balls and fortitude that would take. Of course, if that happened, you’d probably throw them out anyway for not having enough life of their own!”
Yep. Now there’s someone who knows me. And doesn’t ask silly questions.
See, on one hand, I realize that more and more people are learning to be a-ok with being single. They’re learning to find their own happiness, to find their own joy, and that they don’t need another half to be whole. That’s awesome. It’s about time y’all figured it out. But, you know … I feel like there’s often a little clause to all that, for most singles out there. And that clause is: “… until I meet someone.”
This clause is probably pretty significant and true for the vast majority of people. And I think it’s wonderful and absolutely right on to learn to be alone without being lonely, and to create your own life while you’re waiting to meet someone. And I won’t even fault you for waiting (don’t take that to have negative connotations – you can be single and love it and still be waiting. You can also be single and love it and be on match.com every damn day and still be waiting. Ya dig? Hmm … maybe “hoping” is a better word.). Hell, it’s what we do, right? Most of us, anyway.
But. What if you don’t have that clause?
What if you aren’t waiting/hoping?
I have to wonder … am I the only one without it? Or are there other singletons out there that aren’t waiting/hoping, either? Who aren’t particularly concerned with meeting someone special?
Furthermore, what if, for some of us it’s not a personal need, but more societal pressure that keeps us thinking we should be waiting? That, if we don’t have the “until …” clause built into our lives, there is something wrong with us? With what we want, how we live our lives? Especially since, oh, dear, but aren’t you turning 31 this year?
Don’t we want to be partnered? Aren’t we hoping that someone special comes along? Isn’t it true that sometime we get lonely when we’re alone? Even if we’re living life to the fullest and we’ll be ok in the meantime … aren’t we supposed to be waiting? Just a little bit?
Aren’t we just having a lot of sex because we’re taking them all for a test drive? Or … surely we just need some kind of human contact to feel fulfilled? (…barf. And no.)
Isn’t all that pressure why one of the stock questions we all have in our repertoire for our single friends is …
“So. How’s your love life these days?”
Because that’s what we’re supposed to want? Because there is some inherent part of Society that tells me I should be, you know, at least hoping to meet someone special, even if I am a-ok in the meantime. It’s in movies, and television, and the media, even holidays for crying out loud … It’s so intrinsic to our culture, inquiries about it are not only perfectly acceptable, but enjoy a standard place among our go-to conversation queries into someone else’s life – no matter how irrelevant the question actually is.
And yet. A relationship? Not really on the radar in mine. Not what I am actively pursuing. It’s not of importance to me, or even of real interest. I mean, I wouldn’t actively kick something good out of bed (that would be a waste), but … my priorities are elsewhere.
The closest I come to making a relationship of significant concern for me is the fact that such a thing would mean sex on a regular basis. Now that? Is something I can, *ahem*, get behind.
Otherwise? My life? It’s a bit bigger than a love life, at least as far as I’m concerned. And, yes, even at *gasp!* thirty years old. Hey, for some, finding a partner is central, even if they aren’t wasting time pining for one.
For me? My life is full to bursting… and finding a partner? Just didn’t make the cut.
Copyright 2011. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.