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Now I’ll Never Be A Teen Model

October 13, 2011

I’ve been keeping up with those damn Kardashians lately, and I’ve realized a few things.

  1. I’m in desperate need of a good sex tape to propel me into stardom. Just as long as it’s one where I don’t actually have any sex, all my lady parts are covered and I look impossibly thin. Come to think of it, maybe your run-of-the-mill viral video (sans sex) will suffice.
  2. Kim Kardashian and I have a lot in common.

Let me demonstrate.

Kim Kardashian pictureCatherine Gryp picture

kim kardashian picture with drinkCatherine Gryp picture Off the Hookah Richmond

I know! The resemblance  is uncanny. When Old Navy produced those commercials with a Kim Kardashian look alike, they totally should have called me instead.

Besides the fact that we are almost impossible to tell apart, and that we both have “wedding hair,” I have recently discovered that Kim Kardashian and I both have psoriasis.

Let me correct myself. I’ve known that Kim (like how we are on a first name basis?) has psoriasis since July when she revealed her skin condition on the reality show. I was only recently diagnosed.

Diagnosed. That word sounds so very serious. Like I have something much worse, like I was diagnosed with the Ebola virus or something (which scares the bejesus out of me).

I had noticed some abnormalities in a few of my nails (abnormalities = they look weird and hurt), and my primary care doctor suggested I go see a dermatologist to figure out what was up. The minute the dermatologist saw my nails, the first thing she asked was, “So, who in your family has psoriasis?”

“My dad,” I responded. The doctor then explained that I, too, have psoriasis, the most common autoimmune disease in the United States that is largely hereditary.

The good news is I seem to have a pretty mild form of the disease, and I mostly need to take good care of my skin and nails and I should be okay. The bad news is it’s not curable. And my main problem, my nails, is barely treatable. So, I’m not going to lie. I’m bummed. It’s no fun to find out something is wrong with you – something you can’t do anything about. But in reality, it’s not the end of the world. Obviously, I could have been diagnosed with something much worse. I’ll survive.

I’ll survive, but now I’ll never be a teen model. (In case you are confused, the teen model line comes from The Brady Bunch Movie. After Marcia gets hit on the nose by a football, she yells, “Now I’ll never be a teen model!” Classic.)

If I’m completely honest, the teen model ship sailed a long time ago. First, I never grew taller than 5’3”. This is extremely disappointing to me, considering I distinctly remember being the tallest girl in one of my elementary or middle school classes. Whenever we would prepare for a fire drill, we lined up by our height (probably not the smartest strategy for quickly leaving a burning school). I was ahead of all the other girls. This made me very proud.

I then proceeded to never grow another inch.

Concerned about my lack of growth, I remember hearing a news report that drinking coffee could stunt a teenager’s growth, so I proceeded to never – ever – drink coffee.

I was 23 when someone offered to buy me a coffee at Starbucks and I thought, “No, I can’t. Drinking coffee will stunt my growth.”

Burn. I’m never going to grow again.

I think it’s all downhill from here. Not only am I never going to grow again, I’ll probably start shrinking. Don’t believe me? Even The New York Times says so.

And don’t even get me started on the wrinkles I’ve been finding lately. It seems every time I go to bed, I wake up with a new wrinkle! Which is very surprising to me, considering I always thought I was sort of, um, immune to aging. My face has looked almost exactly the same since middle school! You can only imagine my surprise – and shock – when I recently realized that I’m not going to look like this forever.

Add to that the fact that my knees crack when I bend over. Or get up suddenly from the couch. Or breathe. Apparently, the late 20s are the new 70s. For me anyway.

To add insult to injury, The Real World was casting in Richmond recently and I missed the age requirements. They only want you if you “appear to be between the ages of 20 and 24.” What do 24 year olds know about the real world, anyway? Not that I particularly wanted to be on the Real World, but I wanted the option. I didn’t want MTV to tell me I’m an old fart and not worthy of reality TV. Don’t they know that I can be as crazy as the rest of them?

Okay. Enough ranting. I’m off to search for gray hairs.

Maybe I’ll stop fretting in time to realize I’m only 26 and enjoy my youth while I’ve got it.

Now’s the time for all of you to tell me things you don’t like about yourself so we can all bond and feel better. Or tell me to stop being a drama queen. 3 … 2 … 1 … Go!

Copyright 2011. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


50 Comments leave one →
  1. Da Peach permalink
    October 13, 2011 9:10 am

    Put the magnfying glass away, you will age in time but not yet. You are so pretty now just enjoy it. Believe me you will look back at these pictures and say wow I looked really good wish I would have known it then. Sorry about the psoriasis thing, but you are right it can always be worse. Today you can handle, it’s tomorrow that scares me….One never knows what’s coming. Strut your stuff girl, now get out there!!!!

    • October 13, 2011 7:58 pm

      What a great pep talk, Da Peach! Thanks! “Put the magnfying glass away”…. so true. I do feel like lately I’ve been being hypercritical. And I know (logically) you are right that I will look back at these pictures and wish I’d appreciated what I had. I’ll try to do a better job of enjoying it now.

      I totally agree with you – the future is scary, especially with our health. There are so many things we can control in life, and so much technology, that the lack of control over some of your health future can be really frightening. But I guess worrying about it doesn’t make it any better either.

  2. October 13, 2011 9:14 am

    Haha oh Catherine. I think you look cuter than Kim anyway.

    • October 13, 2011 7:56 pm

      Haha, thanks. I know you must be blind to say that, but I appreciate the sentiment. No arguments here – I’ll just take the compliment and run with it! lol

  3. mom permalink
    October 13, 2011 9:19 am

    I love you so much this made me laugh out loud… I watch the Kardashians and I think that show should be us… except for the moms facelift. I of course don’t need that done yet 🙂

    • October 13, 2011 7:55 pm

      Actually your face is quite young! Hopefully I’ll stop gaining a wrinkle a night or else I’ll look older than you in the next 5 years 🙂
      We totally should have a reality show….

  4. pcoaker@hotmail.com permalink
    October 13, 2011 9:41 am

    you only have the right to complain when: you pass gas as you walk, all the time, no matter where you are, you just cant hold it in, you are awaken in the middle of the night because something is tangled around your waist and you realize it;s your boobs, and what use to be your upper arms have ow rolled down to your wrist.. come talk to me when you feel like this! lol…..

    love ya

    Aunt patty

    • October 13, 2011 7:53 pm

      LOL you are hilarious!!! I will definitely call you when those things happen. Jeez, I’d probably have to shoot myself after I got off the phone with you. Although I could totally see my boobs getting tangled about any day now… haha!! Love and miss you!

  5. October 13, 2011 1:00 pm

    Old Navy don’t know what they’re missing by not calling you. And you have better hair than Kim Kar-crash-in-the-canyon. Honest.

    • October 13, 2011 7:51 pm

      LOL… thank you. You just made my week. And made me question cutting and dying my hair this Saturday. But I digress. Thanks for reading 🙂

  6. Nick H. permalink
    October 13, 2011 1:28 pm

    2 things: first, WOW! Kim Kardashian has a lot of upper body weight. Second, I realized I would never be one of the guys on The Bachelorette when I saw a bunch of episodes, thanks to you, and realized everyone on that show has perfect hair. I do not have perfect hair. In fact, I have this rare condition in which my hair doesn’t grow on certain areas of my head in like a pattern or something. So odd because all those guys on Bachelorette do not have this condition. And Aunt Patty, don’t know you, but I have never laughed so hard at a blog post comment. That is some funny s**t.

    • October 13, 2011 7:49 pm

      LOL – so sorry to introduce you to The Bachelorette. Sometimes what you don’t know can’t hurt you. Like I’d be much happier if I felt like I COULD go on the Real World… if I wanted to! 🙂
      RE: Kim’s upper body waity – I know, right??! I didn’t realize she was so well endowed… I guess most of us just pay attention to her behind, that her boobs get lost in the fray.
      And isn’t Aunt Patty the best? Love love love her 🙂

  7. October 13, 2011 1:46 pm

    A sex tape without the sex? Where’s the fun in that?! (Answer: nowhere).

    If the late 20s are the new early 70s, that probably puts me in my mid 80s. Thank god I’m dating a younger woman! She isn’t a day over 78 or so…

    And: STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN ALREADY!!

    • October 13, 2011 7:47 pm

      You are a spring chicken – you have young love putting pep in your step. 🙂 Young love in two ways: 1) It’s new and 2) Apparently your love interest is also young. Haha. I’m such a dork.
      Noted on the drama queen. On it. 🙂

  8. Lori permalink
    October 13, 2011 2:51 pm

    2 Important Things First:
    1. Your posts ALWAYS make me laugh and out loud no less…and they are so honest, I LOVE them…and I want you to be my friend…I think you’re what’s missing 🙂
    2. You are beautiful, model or not!

    And as for me, I don’t like the dark circles under my eyes that NEVER go away, I don’t like my legs, and I don’t like my boobs because I don’t have any…

    Keep it coming – we need you!!

    • October 13, 2011 7:44 pm

      Haha, Lori! I’ll totally be your friend. I’m shopping for new friends anyway. 🙂
      It’s so nice to hear that you like my posts – sometimes, I’m worried I’m sharing WAY too much. I’ll probably look back one day and regret all of these posts!
      Thanks for sharing your dislikes. Dark circles are the worst! We are lucky as females though that we can semi-cover them up with makeup. I’d hate to be a guy who couldn’t do much about stuff like that!!

  9. October 13, 2011 4:30 pm

    1. I had a dream that the Kardashians invited me to go camping with them and then booted me out first thing in the morning while they were dressing for a shopping expedition.
    2. Now that I can say I’ve “met” Kim…you are much prettier!

    • October 13, 2011 7:40 pm

      Haha! That’s such a random dream. Were they fun to camp with? Until they kicked you out, that is? Haha, I WISH I were prettier than Kim! I’d like to have her body. Except a little less butt. Seems her ass would get in the way sometimes. Like, she could never be like, “Excuse me, can I just squeeze through here?” No squeezing happening with that behind! 🙂

  10. Zak permalink
    October 13, 2011 6:13 pm

    Ah, 26. I remember telling everyone you start falling apart at 26. It’s true.

    And then there’s 30, where apparently you realize that age doesn’t matter and you’re in better shape than your 20’s. Weird, eh?

    • October 13, 2011 7:38 pm

      You really do start falling apart. I mean, a year ago, I was A-OK. Now I feel like I need a full time maintenance routine 🙂
      Don’t even get me thinking about turning 30…. I might start hyperventilating. LOL.

      • Zak permalink
        October 18, 2011 10:52 am

        So, what’s 30 other than a pre-defined number? Does something happen? If it does, I obviously missed it. I define things more on events – my marriage, divorce, challenges I overcame – than age.

        I suggest you stop worrying about age and find what matters to you, then use that standard.

        • October 18, 2011 9:39 pm

          Zak,
          Great advice. Easier said than done. 30 just seems scary to me…. but I’ve got a few years to be okay with it. I’ll work on it. 🙂

  11. October 13, 2011 11:49 pm

    I find you much more interesting than KK 🙂

    I was amused by the local Real World casting call, I posted a link up on my facebook laughing about the requirements, like “have challenges living an everyday life that most take for granted,” “followers of unrecognized or non-mainstream belief systems,” “members of a pro-abstinence organization,” “those involved with goth, emo, or punk subculture” Too funny, they were obviously shopping for DRAMA!!

    • October 18, 2011 10:01 pm

      Ben,
      Haha, thanks. As long as I have something over KK!! 🙂
      Yeah, I wondered if you’d seen the casting call. It’s crazy – I wonder if the show would be any more interesting if there were just a few more normal people on it! There’s almost too much forced drama. I feel old, but I miss the old Real World. Seems like in the beginning, there were a few crazies, but mostly normal people with whom I could identify.

      • October 21, 2011 5:08 pm

        I agree, I found the first couple seasons to be quite enjoyable. The last few years whenever I’ve tuned in it just seems so dumb and artificial. I mean, it’s not like the show was top-notch television in the beginning, but it was fresh and fun and the cast seemed at least moderately “real” …to the point that sometimes there were boring stretches because sometimes people have boring stretches in real life 😉

        You got lots going over KK– I see those side-by-side pics, and I think your hair is much prettier and your smile is more warm and infectious 🙂

        • November 2, 2011 9:58 pm

          Too kind, too kind, Ben. Really appreciate it 🙂
          Now I only wonder what you think of the KK news from this week! Ha!

  12. October 14, 2011 12:46 am

    Oh my goodness I knew you reminded me of a celebrity! I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

    I am short as well and have been told this is as tall as I’m ever going to get. I also developed a recent coffee addiction. So basically, I’m screwed and probably will start shrinking soon.

    • October 18, 2011 9:59 pm

      LOL! So glad I could solve that mystery for you. 🙂
      If you aren’t going to grow anymore, I say enjoy the coffee! Just brush your teeth. So they won’t be stained. Oh and watch out for any coffee with too fancy of a name… they have like 300 calories each, ha!

  13. October 14, 2011 8:35 am

    Hey, Catherine. Sorry I am late to the party, but rest assured, I am still reading your blogs faithfully.
    I do not know even know where to begin: first, a KARDASHIAN?? You are so much prettier on so many levels….and it is a classic beauty that will only deepen a you get more experienced (not older).
    And you are worried about wrinkles and falling apart at 26? You need to use my new math….by those standards I am only 30 (but look 25). 🙂
    As for what I do not like about myself….if my butt and my tummy could switch places, I would be the happiest woman in DC. Other than that, the rest is all good, except for the gap between my front teeth and my legs could be a little fatter.
    PS—my offer of joining the Panel still stands.  Looking forward to the next post!

    • October 18, 2011 9:57 pm

      DC,
      Ahhh, I’m going to look at it like I’m getting more experienced!! That’s much better! “If my butt and my tummy could switch places, I would be the happiest woman in DC.” ME TOO!! My butt is wide but not round at all! I could definitely use moving some fat around. LOL. Oh and by the way, “my legs could be a little fatter”…. sounds like you are better off than most people!!
      Thanks for the offer on the Panel! I really want to do it —- I’m just trying to figure out how to find more hours in the day! 🙂

  14. October 14, 2011 10:19 am

    I’m 24, but I’m pretty sure they’d never let me on the Real World. I like reading, wearing mom jeans, and I’ve never mastered drinking my weight in cheap beer 😦 Dreams dashed.

    • October 18, 2011 9:53 pm

      Haha, Tori, I can’t imagine you in mom jeans :). I always forget you are younger than me – you seem so much more mature! Guess having a beautiful baby will do that to you. I’m no good at the cheap beer drinking either btw!!

  15. October 15, 2011 12:09 am

    Gosh I am old…over half a century. My eldest niece is 26 yrs.

    My recommendation: find a fun physical activity and pursue it for life. You don’t need /have to time to look at the mirror much.

    And you will be healthy for it …by coincidence not because you feel forced to exercise, etc.
    Because I hang out more with cyclists who are in their 40’s -late 60’s, I have lost a bit of perspective of people my age who don’t exercise/eat better and what they look like.

    Oh well, I might as well enjoy this time warp.

    Tori: I think I’m abit allergic to alcoholic drinks –I can’t drink beyond half a glass of wine without turning pink. It does act as a natural curb….

    • October 18, 2011 9:51 pm

      Jean,
      You are an inspiration as far as the physical activity. I think that’s fantastic advice. I bet you are in great shape 🙂

      • October 21, 2011 9:32 pm

        I dunno, living in a city where it’s very cold winters (on the prairies), means I cycle less than I used to. But there were some years when I was pulling in 7,000 kms. annually of cycling.

        My physique is a reflection of my lifestyle and ….the foundation, I thank my mother for providing us a healthy diet for lst 20 years of life. I carry on some of her cooking techniques and make some of her dishes. (some menitoned in my blog).

        For readers here, if you want to have fun with others, cycling with a group is a great way to meet people.

        Focus on your health ….and all the rest will fall into place. Good health and fitness is always in fashion!

  16. October 15, 2011 11:14 pm

    Catherine! Listen here you Drama Q—GAH! I found another wrinkle!!

    Seriously though, I’ve been noticing more wrinkles lately. Despite my last name, I’ve found exactly zero gray hairs, so I shall keep my fingers crossed in hope that the nefariously Fairy God-Mother of Gray Hair Giving doesn’t pay me a visit tonight.

    *breathe*

    Okay, all right… I’m okay. Personally, I find wrinkles attractive, specifically the smile wrinkles, the ones around the eyes that accentuate happiness. All of those become more prominent the older you get, and if I had to decide what the definition of aging well was, I’d at the very least add that to my list of things to check off.

    I just turned 29 a couple months ago (I think), so I’m getting closer and closer to finding more and more things I didn’t notice before. I was visiting my parents the other day, and I was sitting on the floor looking at some electronics for my Dad. After about fifteen minutes of sitting “Indian-style”, He asked me to come look at something on his phone. Of course, I didn’t want him to have to get up, so I did. The cacophony of pops, grunts, crackles, and some otherworldly moans escaped me…. and my father just laughed.

    I keep pretty fit, but there is no way to escape from the throes of aging… and I realize this now. I imagine in no time I will be the guy struggling down the sidewalk with his walker (complete with bright green tennis balls for an extra smooth struggle). That’s all right though, because honestly, by then I hope I’ll have kids, and by then maybe my kids will have kids. I will be the cranky old man that tells stories to his grand-kids about how water used to come in bottles instead of being intravenously supplied or cars had motors instead of magnetic generators or the fact that we still walked and didn’t use hover-scooters to cart us around or the time I was a secret spy who thwarted one man’s plans to destroy the world. My kids will hate me for it at first, because I’ll be the Gramps that lies to their kids, spoils them, and tells them about all the things they used to do as kids too. I’m definitely going to embrace being old, haha. Hell, I’ve already got a notebook full of bedtime stories and such to read to my kids one day. 😀

    Anyway, I can feel you on the short part. I’m 5’7… and the smallest child in the family (and also the ONLY left-handed person in 3 generations… I double-checked). My brother comes in at 6’2, my sister 5’9. If there was ever a short-end-of-the-stick joke, it would be about me in this family. 🙂

    • October 15, 2011 11:44 pm

      Oh, and I considered a sex-tape-scandal-thing once, but I’m kind of a stiff when cameras are near (pun intended). Plus, I if there’s a camera near, my neon-white areas usually hide behind clothing.

    • October 18, 2011 9:50 pm

      Edward,
      I love your perspective on aging. I also crack out of control when I get up from sitting “indian style.” I’m so glad I’m not alone! Maybe we could make some sort of song out of the cracks. 🙂 Your futuristic vision makes me think of this (you may find it funny): http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/18/the-iphone-37s-apples-new_n_1016318.html

      I also think that laugh lines are nice. I was at the dermatologist the other day, and I was looking at all their brochures for skin treatments. Almost all of the before/after shots only got rid of the beautiful happy lines on the women’s faces. I mean, I totally understand some botox on the forehead (not that I want it — well, yet. LOL). But to get rid of all lines? Seems a little absurd!

      • October 18, 2011 10:07 pm

        Catherine,
        Lol, I loved that post, very entertaining. As for making music, I think something can be arraigned. I write music on my spare time, so maybe if you record a few of your snap, crackle, and pop moments and send them to me I can incorporate it into a new-age (old-age?) style song. 😉

        I think the only time someone will need Botox is if their face is literally so lost to gravity that in order to eat the need to feed their face starting at their belly. Living in Southern California I meet a lot of people with Botox obsessions, and its frightening. It’s like looking at someone’s face as they try to squeeze through Saran Wrap.

  17. October 18, 2011 10:00 am

    You didn’t have coffee until you were 23??!!!!!

    -L

    • October 18, 2011 9:42 pm

      LOL Lucky. No, not really. I truly believed coffee would stunt my growth so whenever people drank coffee I was like, those suckers don’t even know how bad that is for you! And, it stains your teeth! After 23, I started having iced coffee a few times a year. But for the most part, I just drink diet soda if I need a caffeine fix. Coffee never really grew on me! Although, Chef told me the other day that he thinks coffee would change my life. I’m such a grump in the morning.

  18. October 18, 2011 11:31 pm

    Bahahaha! This post really speaks to me, I worry about all of the same stuff. Lucky makes fun of me because I’m obsessed with eye anti-wrinkle creams and saggy eye lids. But like, SOMETHING has to work… Kim K doesn’t have saggy eye lids and we KNOW she can’t get botox. Keep me posted on any wrinkle secrets you find, we need to stay looking 26 forever!
    -Gizzy

    • November 12, 2011 7:48 pm

      Haha Gizzy! I don’t know how I missed replying to this comment – I’m sorry! When I went to the dermatologist and asked when I should start worrying about anti aging creams, she said I was waaay to young to think about that. But I’ve been thinking.. what if I’d just used creams from the time I was a baby on? Now that would have been a good plan! I’d look like I was 16 right now! My damn parents just didn’t think ahead. Haha 🙂
      It’s funny, never thought I’d consider botox…now I realize I was just crazy. ha

  19. October 19, 2011 12:30 pm

    Well you made me laugh and nearly spill my tea. Still no harm was done. This was a riot. Frankly you look a lot nicer than Kim whatever her name is so I wouldn’t worry about anything else

    • November 12, 2011 7:49 pm

      Aww, thank you! And sorry I didn’t reply to this comment – I thought I did but just realize I didn’t. Maybe I was just so in shock that you thought I looked nicer than Kim. LOL 🙂

  20. Kelly permalink
    November 8, 2011 4:20 pm

    So I have spent the majority of the last two days reading (wallowing in??) your blog. Truly fabulous stuff you have here. One of the most well-written, engaging, funny, sincere, “ah-ha-moment-filled” blogs I have ever had the pleasure of immersing myself in. I am at the beginning of A Very Bad Breakup and Google really led me to the right place. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Simply Solo? Simply SPLENDID!!

    • November 12, 2011 7:14 pm

      Aww, thank you Kelly! I’m sorry to hear what you are going through – I’m definitely thinking about you and hope you are ok! I’m really glad you found my blog and it helped you. Can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear that. Take care of yourself 🙂

Trackbacks

  1. Age As a Standard « Slow Down, Son
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