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Simply Solo Spotlight: Emotional Gifts – Tied in a Sloppy Bow

October 18, 2011

Happy Tuesday! Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Kimberly, the “Dating Chic.” I’m hoping that you all can offer Kimberly some advice on her emotional baggage in the comments. And be sure to check out her blog!

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

Emotional Gifts – Tied in a Sloppy Bow

I’m angry, mad and sad … all of these stupid emotions wrapped in a sloppy bow. Dating has to be the most challenging process anyone can go through. It seems like you get just one shot to find the ultimate mate, and if you so happen to blink, you might miss it. I try not to blink often because I want this grueling process to be over with. The other day, I was cooking spaghetti, fearing that it had overcooked. I proceeded to throw a noodle at the wall to see if it would stick. Of course it didn’t, and it reminded me of all the guys I dated that could never stick to the wall of commitment.

I think one day I will be completely emotionally unavailable, and I don’t really know why I feel this way. Our emotions never have the ability to think. We feel what we feel because we’ve been through what we’ve been through. Emotions are not rational in their makeup; they don’t think before they express themselves.

At age 23, I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m slowly running out of steam. The scary part is, if I’m still single at age 30, what frame of mind will I be in? Hell, will I even be mentally stable? I’ve learned when dating, your emotions have to be fully mature and in control (something that I have not yet completely achieved and probably why I’m still single). In my past relationships, when we had disagreements or differences in views, I let my emotions take over. Instead of exposing my lack of control, I protected myself by becoming upset. I would get louder and louder, but not because I had a point. I find that sometimes we get louder in arguments in order to protect ourselves from the fact that we already discovered that we don’t have a point. The argument turns for the worse, and I find myself focusing on old issues and baggage that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. The end result? Failed communication.

My messy emotional gifts are putting a wall between me and the dating world. I have no clue how to untie this sloppy bow; the knot is just too tight. When I ultimately unwrap it, where will I put my anger, resentment, mistrust, tears and fears? I once asked a friend for advice and she told me to, “Get over it. This whole time this chaotic gift that you never unwrapped is just sitting here collecting dust. Unwrap it, embrace it and get over it. You will move on … take back control!”

airline mask plane

Photo courtesy of Miikka H

Easier said than done, but still great advice. I’ve learned I need to figure out myself before I even think of dating. It’s like you are on a flight where the air masks come down. In this situation, you are told to fix your own mask before trying to help anyone else. If you try to help someone before you put your own mask on, you jeopardize both of you dying. If you fix your mask first, you improve the odds for both of you. When it comes to dating, you must sort out your own mask first. Learn about yourself before you try to learn about someone else.

My biggest issue is that my chaotic emotions and lack of logic make me carry psychological damage and unresolved anger into my new relationships. I think my main objective needs to be to close the door of resentment, and lock it with a key named forgiveness. When you’re hurt by an important person you love and trust, you can grow to be confused, angry or sad. I have learned if you dwell on hurtful relationships, grudges, vengeance and hostility may take root. If you let negative feelings outgrow your positive feelings, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness wrapped in a sloppy bow.

Forgiveness is a pledge to a development of change. I’m learning that I need to realize the value of forgiveness and its importance. Then I can reflect on how this has affected my life, and my relationships. I have always played the role of the “victim.” I’m slowly moving away from that, and trying to release control. My ultimate goal is that these messy emotional gifts will no longer define my life. I know that I can find the compassion and understanding I possess.

Copyright 2011. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


15 Comments leave one →
  1. October 18, 2011 10:43 am

    I don’t know how much advice I can offer you, except I agree that you need to be content with yourself first before you can fully embrace a relationship with someone else. I am still a work in progress, but I do know that when I was able to let go of that resentment, pain, and began to forgive (myself and others), I became more open to love in many forms (romantic, friendship, familial, etc).

    And, you’re way too young to be jaded just yet.

  2. October 18, 2011 10:55 am

    Your question about what your emotional state will be at 30 really resonates with me as a 34-year-old single woman. From my own experience, I think that one’s emotional state as a single person is very much determined by how they choose to view the single life. If one views being single as a horrible state to be avoided at all costs, then one can’t help but be miserable and panicked when they find themselves single. If, on the other hand, one recognizes that there is value in being single and that single people are capable of just as much happiness as people in relationships, then one can have a good emotional state even if they end up unexpectedly single in their 30s. This was a hard lesson for me to learn personally, but a very important one for my own mental and emotional health.

    • October 18, 2011 11:40 am

      thanks for the advice, i just don’t think negative thoughts when your hurt so many times it can be sometimes hard but i learned that now i got over the hump 🙂

  3. Nick H. permalink
    October 18, 2011 11:31 am

    i assure you that dating is not the hardest process you will ever endure. Putting that much pressure on yourself is probably why you feel angry and sad. there is a lot of time between now and 30. You should focus on enjoying these years and it’s ok to be selective with who you date, but realize that not all relationships HAVE to end in marriage. It is a process, but a very rewarding and sometimes entertaining one. Good luck to you!

    • October 18, 2011 11:43 am

      Thanks for advice!, this is something that i had to learn and completely okay with now 🙂

  4. October 18, 2011 1:02 pm

    As a 27 year old who committed to spending the entire year single after a cancelled wedding, I can say this: if you truly invest in your own happiness, your own self-growth, your own self-reflection, self-validation, then maybe the desire to feel the need to have someone there constantly will dwindle. Like Solitary Diner stated, it is a matter of perspective on the single life. Personally, I have loved it (and still do despite feeling “ready” to date again) because I have grown into a stronger person who knows I don’t need a partner to validate everything I do or reassure every little thing I do. And to think at age 25, I thought I was going to be having kids by age 28! That clearly won’t be happening.

    I think this part of your post is really interesting: My ultimate goal is that these messy emotional gifts will no longer define my life. No, Dating Chic, they won’t define your life, but they will be a component of who you are, where you’ve been, and who you are becoming. If you can ask yourself “who am I” and be content with it, then I will say you have embraced this emotional baggage and be more fully emotionally available to a relationship that will find you instead of you seeking it.

  5. Claudia permalink
    October 18, 2011 2:57 pm

    Therapy. Get it now. Like yesterday. You are only 23. That’s what they are there for, to untangle the mess life puts you in. Not just for crazy people. You are way too young to be this bitter.

    There are two different kinds of “getting over it”. 1. Bury the feelings. 2. Learn from the experience, forgive and actually move on. Very few are able to the right way (number 2 in case you were curious) without help. At least the first time around.

    They all don’t work out until the one does.

    • October 18, 2011 7:16 pm

      def. not a bitter person at all, 2 i dont need a therapist my blog and writing is therapy for me and lastly age has nothing to do with anything it depends on what the person has gone through

      • Claudia permalink
        October 18, 2011 10:45 pm

        I didn’t say you were crazy or unstable. I specifically said therapy isn’t just for crazy people.

        You said you have no clue how to untie the sloppy bow. A good therapist knows how to help you do that. They will show you the direction to help yourself. It’s not all about talking it out and being open and honest.

        They will show you where to put the “anger, resentment, mistrust, tears and fears.” Help you understand your destructive patterns and help you to stop doing it. They also can help with the communication issues that you wrote of.

        But that’s OK. Just ignore any advice because of the negative social connotations and jumping to conclusions.

  6. October 18, 2011 7:29 pm

    my goal is to reach readers who don’t have the courage to speak upon dating and the emotions as well as the “emotional gifts” that it may come with. EVERYONE has emotional gifts but everyone deals with them in their way. It doesn’t mean that one is crazy or unstable. So i’m learning and overcoming these battles and becoming a better me.

    So in all i’m great and not to many females/males could be as venerable as i was in my post 🙂

  7. October 18, 2011 10:37 pm

    Don’t worry about 30 so much. I found myself suddenly single at 37 after many years of marriage, and though the dating road wasn’t without its share of bumps, I was able to navigate it just fine. I think the truly important thing is not to look at dating as a chore or something to dread; rather, embrace each first date as the possibility it truly is, and look forward to the experience. It shouldn’t be grueling – it should be fun.

  8. October 19, 2011 3:08 am

    Your question about what your emotional state will be at 30 really resonates with me as a 34-year-old single woman. From my own experience, I think that one’s emotional state as a single person is very much determined by how they choose to view the single life. If one views being single as a horrible state to be avoided at all costs, then one can’t help but be miserable and panicked when they find themselves single. If, on the other hand, one recognizes that there is value in being single and that single people are capable of just as much happiness as people in relationships, then one can have a good emotional state even if they end up unexpectedly single in their 30s. This was a hard lesson for me to learn personally, but a very important one for my own mental and emotional health.
    +1

  9. Mari permalink
    October 10, 2012 11:13 am

    I think that at one point or another we have all experienced those negative emotions that you mention and I totally agree in that we must be okay with ourselves before we can learn how to be in a healthy relationship with someone else. All relationships have a danger of becoming painful, if we allow them to, and the only way to avoid that, if at all, is to learn to understand why we feel the way we do and forgive ourselves for it so that we can love ourselves unconditionally. When we love ourselves unconditionally, we no longer have the NEED for someone else to provide that love for us and we can then, instead, percieve others for who they are without being influenced by our previous experiences and we are better equipped to loving them with an open heart. Forgiving ourselves for the negative emotions that we feel allows us to, sort of, start over with a clean slate because we are able to release those emotions to give room to new experiences.

    Best of luck to you! 😉

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