Simply Solo Spotlight: The Transference of Negative Relationships
Today’s guest post is written by Jimmy of Personal Facts, a really funny and brutally honest dating/relationship blog. I first met Jimmy when I was writing my blog post Why I Hate Mr. Big. I found his blog post Stop Comparing Us To Aidan From Sex And The City. Being an Aidan lover myself, I was intrigued. Jimmy’s been a great blog buddy since.
Jimmy really puts himself out there in this guest post, and as a result, he provides us with some great insight into the male mind. I hope you enjoy his story and feel free to ask questions or share your thoughts in the comments. And don’t forget to check out Jimmy’s blog.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Transference of Negative Relationships
Hey all! My name is Jimmy, but you can call me J.J because after this revealing blog post, I’m sure we’ll be close enough to call each other by our nicknames. Catherine may know me as the more sensitive contributor on the small blog for which I write. For a heterosexual man, I have a strangely avid love for Sex And The City and my friends usually call me “the white Tyler Perry” because I seem to get women far more than any man should. However, this wasn’t the man I used to be. In fact, a few years ago, I probably would never have been considered to guest blog on this site due to my overly chauvinistic attitude toward dating in general.
Why was I such a chauvinist, you may be wondering? Did my father treat women with little respect? Did I grow up near a strip club? Or did I simply watch way too many Chuck Norris movies when I was little? Sadly, the answer to that is all of the above, but that didn’t make me into the jerk I became for many years. I simply came home too early (or too late) one evening back in 2001.
Ten years ago, I was an aspiring actor and I was living with my girlfriend whom I had loved. She was strikingly beautiful. She had long blonde hair; blue eyes, a slim waist and she made Christina Hendricks from Mad Men look flat. At that time, she was my ideal woman. I was able to balance my love for her and my love for my job very easily. In short, there was never a day I didn’t have a smile on my face.
One night, I got off work early and came home to see my girlfriend getting plowed by her ex-boyfriend on the bed I had just bought for us. I didn’t know what was worse: my heart breaking or the fact that I had somehow ended up in some clichéd scenario in a soap opera. All I knew at the time was pure fury. After I beat the hell out of the guy in my bed, called my girlfriend every obscenity I could think of, and took my television, I set off on a self-destructive path that would affect me for almost a decade.
I started to drink often and I smoked more weed than Cheech and Chong. I also bedded many, many women. I knew what to say and how to say it to get a woman to throw herself at me. The more times I charmed ladies, the more I thought of my dating life as a game. By that point, I understood women and their wants and their needs. The only thing I was in denial of was how I affected them. But, I didn’t care. If they got emotional, I just wrote them off as crazy women. It was about the hunt. Sex was my ultimate escape from my emotions, my future goals and my life. Plus, the women I set out for were never stimulating in the slightest, which made my man-whoring a lot easier. I was numb and jaded and at that time, it was the best time of my life.
Then in 2006, I met Sabrina. She was a Montreal freelance writer for my best friend’s film site and she was cute – not my type, but cute nonetheless. She was biracial, had huge brown eyes and had a goofy personality that was somehow endearing. The one thing that struck me about her right away was that she wasn’t charmed by me in the slightest. I apparently wasn’t her type either and for some reason, it was relieving – relieving that I could finally talk to an attractive woman without thinking about getting her in the sack.
We weren’t really that close and I only saw her when she came to Toronto to visit our mutual friend. One day though, my best friend asked her out and she rejected him politely due to the fact that she was also writing for him. He ignored her phone calls and then I became the middleman. She started calling me about how to defuse the situation with my friend, and before we knew it, we were on the phone for hours and hours each night discussing movies, pop culture references and our similar personal heartbreaks and life experiences. I liked her. I liked her A LOT.
She then came to Toronto to see her family for the holidays and we met up. One thing led to another and then we ended up in my bed. But, this was different. It was unforgettable. I still think of that night. It was then we both had fallen for each other.
The long distance thing wasn’t hard either. I stopped going out with my friends hunting for chicks at bars and had long conversations with Sabrina every night instead. Our phone bills were astronomical. When I went to visit her in Montreal however, I realized that I was in love with her. And of course, at that time I wasn’t ready for that. I ended up going back home and breaking up with her over the phone. She was crushed. I was crushed. She kept asking me why and although I didn’t know why myself, I told her it was my career and that I had to pursue my acting full-time.
She kept contacting me with heartbreaking emails and voice messages. I did everything to push her away from me. I then did the unthinkable: I told my best friend what had happened between us and he fired her from the site. Although she didn’t find me in the bed with another woman, I had hurt her just like my ex had hurt me. It was transference of negative emotions and I was the one to blame.
I continued to break her heart every year. I would reach out and then I would pull away. When she would ask me why, I would say she was clingy and needy. I was gung ho on not changing. If I was a jaded and bitter jerk, then I could never get hurt, right?
In April, I found out she had finally moved on. She started dating this construction worker and they just moved in together. Finding this out infuriated me and I had no idea what I was more upset over: the fact that she was dating someone who wasn’t right for her or that I’m still thinking about a girl I had a short fling with five years ago.
I then started dating a woman with whom I had once had a long-term relationship. I told myself I was happy. It wasn’t until I experienced a personal tragedy just a few short months ago, that I knew I needed Sabrina back in my life. Life is too short.
I recently just broke up with my girlfriend and coincidently Sabrina came to visit family in Toronto and met up for drinks with me. It was great and fun and it felt like how it did five years before. She then came over to my apartment and it was like nothing had ever changed. (Hell, my cat still knew who she was.) She told me about her relationship and I could see that she was content – not happy – just content. She asked me if I still thought of her and although I wanted to say, “Every morning and every night,” I just nodded. (I know, I’m an as*hole, but I’m working on it.)
She then moved in to kiss me. And although I was finally ready to give in and be with her, I thought of her live-in boyfriend and what this would do to him. Despite the fact this guy sounded like a boring chump, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he had supported, comforted and loved her the way I should have for the past five years. He wasn’t scared of commitment and he provided the romantic stability I refused to provide her. I had already transferred my negative emotions onto Sabrina, but if we had slept together, I would have also transferred my negative relationships onto her as well.
I told her the truth this time. I told her it wasn’t right. I told her that although I had no problem breaking up relationships, I just couldn’t break up hers for my own selfish reasons. I told her that I’m terrified of hurting her again and although I want to be with her, I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t do the same thing again. At this point, I knew I had to be more than just her lover – I had to be her savior as well … just not the way she wanted. She understood and then mustered up her classic crooked Katie Holmes-like smile, while holding back the obligatory tears that always seem to come out during our visits, and left. I’m not going to lie to you, I cried like a bitch, and for the first time since I had walked in on my ex cheating on me ten years ago, I wasn’t ashamed to show what I was truly feeling.
What I’m trying to say is to never let your ego take over your emotions. I hurt a lot of people in my life and it’s simply because I got hurt. It shaped me into the man I am today (for better and for worse) and now I have to live with the fact that I let the only woman I have ever really loved go live a mediocre life with a man she is settling with.
I hope in time, she will strive for happiness, and I hope one day, I will be the one who will make her happy. Until then, I will be “Simply Solo” and figure out who I am for once and hopefully gain some much need perspective.
There is a line from a film Vicki Cristina Barcelona I will always cherish and that line is, “Only unfilled love is truly romantic.” And I truly believe if you’re strong enough, you can prove that statement wrong.
Copyright 2011. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.