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Simply Solo Spotlight: The Transference of Negative Relationships

November 8, 2011

Today’s guest post is written by Jimmy of Personal Facts, a really funny and brutally honest dating/relationship blog. I first met Jimmy when I was writing my blog post Why I Hate Mr. Big. I found his blog post Stop Comparing Us To Aidan From Sex And The City. Being an Aidan lover myself, I was intrigued. Jimmy’s been a great blog buddy since.

Jimmy really puts himself out there in this guest post, and as a result, he provides us with some great insight into the male mind. I hope you enjoy his story and feel free to ask questions or share your thoughts in the comments. And don’t forget to check out Jimmy’s blog.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

The Transference of Negative Relationships

Hey all! My name is Jimmy, but you can call me J.J because after this revealing blog post, I’m sure we’ll be close enough to call each other by our nicknames. Catherine may know me as the more sensitive contributor on the small blog for which I write. For a heterosexual man, I have a strangely avid love for Sex And The City and my friends usually call me “the white Tyler Perry” because I seem to get women far more than any man should. However, this wasn’t the man I used to be. In fact, a few years ago, I probably would never have been considered to guest blog on this site due to my overly chauvinistic attitude toward dating in general.

Why was I such a chauvinist, you may be wondering? Did my father treat women with little respect? Did I grow up near a strip club? Or did I simply watch way too many Chuck Norris movies when I was little? Sadly, the answer to that is all of the above, but that didn’t make me into the jerk I became for many years. I simply came home too early (or too late) one evening back in 2001.

Ten years ago, I was an aspiring actor and I was living with my girlfriend whom I had loved. She was strikingly beautiful. She had long blonde hair; blue eyes, a slim waist and she made Christina Hendricks from Mad Men look flat. At that time, she was my ideal woman. I was able to balance my love for her and my love for my job very easily. In short, there was never a day I didn’t have a smile on my face.

One night, I got off work early and came home to see my girlfriend getting plowed by her ex-boyfriend on the bed I had just bought for us. I didn’t know what was worse: my heart breaking or the fact that I had somehow ended up in some clichéd scenario in a soap opera. All I knew at the time was pure fury. After I beat the hell out of the guy in my bed, called my girlfriend every obscenity I could think of, and took my television, I set off on a self-destructive path that would affect me for almost a decade.

I started to drink often and I smoked more weed than Cheech and Chong. I also bedded many, many women. I knew what to say and how to say it to get a woman to throw herself at me. The more times I charmed ladies, the more I thought of my dating life as a game. By that point, I understood women and their wants and their needs. The only thing I was in denial of was how I affected them. But, I didn’t care. If they got emotional, I just wrote them off as crazy women. It was about the hunt. Sex was my ultimate escape from my emotions, my future goals and my life. Plus, the women I set out for were never stimulating in the slightest, which made my man-whoring a lot easier. I was numb and jaded and at that time, it was the best time of my life.

Then in 2006, I met Sabrina. She was a Montreal freelance writer for my best friend’s film site and she was cute – not my type, but cute nonetheless. She was biracial, had huge brown eyes and had a goofy personality that was somehow endearing. The one thing that struck me about her right away was that she wasn’t charmed by me in the slightest. I apparently wasn’t her type either and for some reason, it was relieving – relieving that I could finally talk to an attractive woman without thinking about getting her in the sack.

We weren’t really that close and I only saw her when she came to Toronto to visit our mutual friend. One day though, my best friend asked her out and she rejected him politely due to the fact that she was also writing for him. He ignored her phone calls and then I became the middleman. She started calling me about how to defuse the situation with my friend, and before we knew it, we were on the phone for hours and hours each night discussing movies, pop culture references and our similar personal heartbreaks and life experiences. I liked her. I liked her A LOT.

She then came to Toronto to see her family for the holidays and we met up. One thing led to another and then we ended up in my bed. But, this was different. It was unforgettable. I still think of that night. It was then we both had fallen for each other.

The long distance thing wasn’t hard either. I stopped going out with my friends hunting for chicks at bars and had long conversations with Sabrina every night instead. Our phone bills were astronomical. When I went to visit her in Montreal however, I realized that I was in love with her. And of course, at that time I wasn’t ready for that. I ended up going back home and breaking up with her over the phone. She was crushed. I was crushed. She kept asking me why and although I didn’t know why myself, I told her it was my career and that I had to pursue my acting full-time.

She kept contacting me with heartbreaking emails and voice messages. I did everything to push her away from me. I then did the unthinkable: I told my best friend what had happened between us and he fired her from the site. Although she didn’t find me in the bed with another woman, I had hurt her just like my ex had hurt me. It was transference of negative emotions and I was the one to blame.

broken heart mosaic, art

How many times can one person break your heart? Photo courtesy of David Goehring

I continued to break her heart every year. I would reach out and then I would pull away. When she would ask me why, I would say she was clingy and needy. I was gung ho on not changing. If I was a jaded and bitter jerk, then I could never get hurt, right?

In April, I found out she had finally moved on. She started dating this construction worker and they just moved in together. Finding this out infuriated me and I had no idea what I was more upset over: the fact that she was dating someone who wasn’t right for her or that I’m still thinking about a girl I had a short fling with five years ago.

I then started dating a woman with whom I had once had a long-term relationship. I told myself I was happy. It wasn’t until I experienced a personal tragedy just a few short months ago, that I knew I needed Sabrina back in my life. Life is too short.

I recently just broke up with my girlfriend and coincidently Sabrina came to visit family in Toronto and met up for drinks with me. It was great and fun and it felt like how it did five years before. She then came over to my apartment and it was like nothing had ever changed. (Hell, my cat still knew who she was.) She told me about her relationship and I could see that she was content – not happy – just content. She asked me if I still thought of her and although I wanted to say, “Every morning and every night,” I just nodded. (I know, I’m an as*hole, but I’m working on it.)

She then moved in to kiss me. And although I was finally ready to give in and be with her, I thought of her live-in boyfriend and what this would do to him. Despite the fact this guy sounded like a boring chump, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he had supported, comforted and loved her the way I should have for the past five years. He wasn’t scared of commitment and he provided the romantic stability I refused to provide her. I had already transferred my negative emotions onto Sabrina, but if we had slept together, I would have also transferred my negative relationships onto her as well.

I told her the truth this time. I told her it wasn’t right. I told her that although I had no problem breaking up relationships, I just couldn’t break up hers for my own selfish reasons. I told her that I’m terrified of hurting her again and although I want to be with her, I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t do the same thing again. At this point, I knew I had to be more than just her lover – I had to be her savior as well … just not the way she wanted. She understood and then mustered up her classic crooked Katie Holmes-like smile, while holding back the obligatory tears that always seem to come out during our visits, and left. I’m not going to lie to you, I cried like a bitch, and for the first time since I had walked in on my ex cheating on me ten years ago, I wasn’t ashamed to show what I was truly feeling.

What I’m trying to say is to never let your ego take over your emotions. I hurt a lot of people in my life and it’s simply because I got hurt. It shaped me into the man I am today (for better and for worse) and now I have to live with the fact that I let the only woman I have ever really loved go live a mediocre life with a man she is settling with.

I hope in time, she will strive for happiness, and I hope one day, I will be the one who will make her happy. Until then, I will be “Simply Solo” and figure out who I am for once and hopefully gain some much need perspective.

There is a line from a film Vicki Cristina Barcelona I will always cherish and that line is, “Only unfilled love is truly romantic.” And I truly believe if you’re strong enough, you can prove that statement wrong.

Copyright 2011. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


42 Comments leave one →
  1. November 8, 2011 8:45 am

    I hope the timing will be right and one day things will work out between you and Sabrina. Great post!

  2. Karyl permalink
    November 8, 2011 8:53 am

    Thank you for your story! I identify with soooooooo much of what you’ve shared! And its with both sides of the story. I’m “Sabrina” for my college love who has moved on with a great woman. But I’m faced with the choice of dating a new man I feel I’m “settling” with. All of this after a nasty divorce from an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I’m a mess. And I think I’ll be “simply solo” while I sort through my mess.

    • November 8, 2011 10:15 am

      Hi Karyl,

      Thank you for your comments! I’m sorry that you can identify with my situation and I’m sorry you feel lost as well. It really does suck. But from personal experience, I have learned that sometimes it’s better to be alone than to feel alone in a mediocre relationship.

      It sounds like you need time to yourself. (especially after the divorce) Start discovering who you are and focus on falling in love with yourself because things will look up. I promise.

  3. November 8, 2011 10:15 am

    Thank you for your honest post. It’s amazing how these relationships can shape us and our future relationships. I find I have a harder time trusting and fully committing, despite being emotionally drawn/attached to someone, because of all that happened in my past relationship. I hope timing works out in your favor.

    • November 8, 2011 10:32 am

      Hey KD,

      What I learned is that you just have to let go of past feelings because if you keep them bottled up like I did, you end up hurting others you’re more compatible with who don’t deserve it.

      Sh*t happens and sometimes it’s just best to accept that and move on. Harboring anger doesn’t help anyone.

      Thanks for the comment! 🙂

  4. November 8, 2011 10:47 am

    Wow, great post! I have lived exactly the same life, only in the girl version. I am finally alone and figuring out who I am healthy instead of angry and sometimes bitter 🙂 it has been a long road, but I am happier now than I have ever been.

    • November 8, 2011 11:23 am

      Hey Redneckprincess!

      I’m glad to see you’re taking the high and simply solo road! I’m just taking it now…and I hope I can be as strong as you.

  5. November 8, 2011 11:01 am

    OMG. That was simply heartbreaking and such a good perspective from a male’s point of view. Thank you J.J for sharing your story. I hope that you are able to find love in the future.

    • November 8, 2011 11:25 am

      Thanks darling!

      It’s nice to know I affect anyone with my stories…it makes the heartache meaningful (if that makes any sense.) I hope one day, timing will be on my side. Thank you again for the comment!

  6. November 8, 2011 12:55 pm

    You’re brave to have shared this so honestly. But I think a lot of us do this and some never even understand why they’re being so nasty or stupid to people who don’t deserve it from us.

    My ex-husband walked out in 1994 after barely two years of marriage (no kids) and was remarried within a year. Nice. I only remarried about two months ago, after 11 years with my new husband…I needed a LONG time to heal and feel I could trust him (he’s so not the other guy!) It hurt him deeply that I couldn’t “just” trust him. But he hung in there. People need a lot more time to process this s**t than some might expect.

    • November 8, 2011 1:44 pm

      I’m sorry you had to go through that, but look at you! You took the time you needed and now you’re happy! Your comment gave me hope about my own romantic future. I’m glad your new husband hung in there too! Sounds like a standup guy!

  7. November 8, 2011 4:22 pm

    This post was extremely touching, and I completely relate. I let someone who treat me poorly dictate the way I treated my later relationships for years. I spent some time alone and was finally able to overcome my urge to push everyone away and learned how to really respect and love someone. I appreciate your post and it makes me feel better to know there are others who have grown from past experiences

    • November 8, 2011 5:02 pm

      Thank you for the touching response! It seems the general consensus is to be alone for awhile to sort out past relationship issues. I’m glad you learned from the pain too!

  8. November 8, 2011 4:44 pm

    You win honesty, dude. It takes a lot to admit the less-than-flattering things about ourselves, but there can’t be progress without confession. Awesome post!

  9. November 8, 2011 5:27 pm

    Reading this made my heart ache in different ways. It’s amazing how the scars of a lifetime can be soothed and healed by just the right person. And it sounds that Sabrina played a big part in the healing for you. That was an amazing thing you did for both of you the last time you saw her, that took a huge amount of strength and respect for you to do. And it’s okay to be “simply solo” to find out who you are and to be comfortable with that. Everyone deserves to be loved and I have faith that you will find it again whether it be with her or someone else fate has in store for you.

    • November 8, 2011 7:22 pm

      thank you for your advice bonda84!

      Sabrina has definitely played a huge part in the healing process for me. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I played a huge part in her healing which is why I just can’t be with her at this moment.

      I’ve done so much wrong to her to be easily forgiven and I know she is finally getting to her breaking point. Hopefully, in the near future, I can be the man she deserves rather than the douchebag she wants.

  10. I like boys who wear glasses permalink
    November 8, 2011 5:42 pm

    Wow… that sounds like a familiar story. I have been through the pulling-and-pushing, the I-dream-of-it-but-I-can’t-cuz-all-I-do-is-hurt-you… After his last mindfuck I realised this would keep going on, unless I would put an end to it. I told him to not contact me again (and haven’t done so myself either) – it has brought me some sort of peace you could say. I don’t hate him, I love him, only too much for my own good.

    Thank you for sharing your story, also to show ‘the other perspective’. It must be difficult to realise what you’ve lost. All the best for the future 🙂

    (PS. I would send this post to her – it’s simply heartfelt ;))

    • November 8, 2011 7:26 pm

      i think that’s why a lot of women have taken to sex and the city…because this pull and push romance is something everybody can relate to. After my blog over again, I realized that I have been an Aidan…but i’m also mr. big especially when it comes to Sabrina.

      good for you for telling him to stop contacting you. Hopefully in time, he will see the errors in his ways whether you are happy with someone else or not.

      I’m thinking of sending this to her….she would kill me if she knew I put this out there though!

  11. Jes permalink
    November 8, 2011 6:23 pm

    So i read your story and cried a little bit… It could not have come at a more perfect time in my life… ha ha it home real hard!! Then after reading the comments i realized that we are all kinda Jimmy and Sabrina…
    After 8 years of back and forth drama, romance and heartbreak, and passion and tears, I finally asked my douchbag lover if we were ever going to try to make something work, or if we were always going to play these ridiculous games with each other.. I asked him for honesty, not to feed me any sugar fed bullshit..
    And he responded very similarly to the post you just wrote… He knows he is an asshole but he also knows I’m the only person he has ever cared about so much… And then he did me the biggest favor ever: He told me NO, he told me that as much as he would want to work it out with me that he knows he would only end up hurting me, that he was too fucked up to ever make it work. (sadly he actually said too fucked up to make any* relationship work) .
    Of course it wasn’t the happily ever after that i WanTed to hear, but it was honest and it was EXacTLy what i NeeDed to hear. And what you did for Sabrina by telling her no, was honest and respectable, and also exactly what both of you needed.
    I hope one day that he can drop all his issues and find somebody amazing, but i no longer feel the need to wait for him… I hope one day I can drop all of my issues too (cause let’s face it, we all have them!) Jimmy, it sounds like you are really maturing and well on your way to letting go of yours….
    Thanks again for this! it was nice to hear that other men can act in such an awful way, even if they do really care for somebody… I also just read your article Stop Comparing Us to Aiden .. and really loved it. Especially the part about having children named after potatoes!

  12. November 8, 2011 7:38 pm

    Hey Jes,

    Thank you for your comments and compliments and I’m sorry that you too had to go through this. Knowing your perspective definitely makes it a harder pill to swallow when I think of how I hurt my ex….but it’s also life-affirming as well. I’m also glad to hear that you can move on because every woman deserves happiness from a good man. Your ex will regret how he treated you one day. Trust me.

    Also, thanks for reading my Aiden blog. It was punishment I guess for being mr. big in my past lol

    • Jes permalink
      November 9, 2011 11:06 am

      Thank you JImmy.
      Oh, and… I don’t think that you should send this post to her, unless you are ready to be with her/ break up her relationship… Because it is really good writing, and super heartfelt, and most likely going to fuck with her head.
      i think you should share it with her LATER on to prove that even through the not-so-great times that you still really cared for her.

  13. November 9, 2011 7:51 am

    Hey Jes, your story had a gluing effect , I read every line of this huge story. One quick question, why did you not let Sabrina decide for herself if she wanted to settle with her live-in boyfriend or with you?I mean you did not wanted to be selfish which is why you controlled yourself but what if she wanted to settle with you? Another question 10 years is a long time dude, why did you took the pain alone? Why didn’t you taught your first girlfriend a lesson? Self destruction for 10 years sounds too much , you should have moved on positively. Your story was really very touching and made me emotional.I felt really sorry for you.I wish you had a mentor ten years back who could have guided you.

    • Jes permalink
      November 9, 2011 10:19 am

      Thank you 🙂

    • November 9, 2011 2:26 pm

      Hey Kate!

      You don’t beat around the bush, do you? 😉 Sabrina is already accustomed to her safety blanket (a.k.a. her relationship.) The only way she would leave him is if we get together…which is not only very unhealthy…it’s also a sh*t load of pressure for me! lol

      She’s in co-dependent mode and I know how I am. I will hurt her due to the pressure and she will be even worse off than she is now.

      So, I’m hoping she can do what I’m going to do and be strong enough to leave her boyfriend, for herself…not for me…and then we will see how that goes.

      Also, I did get back at my ex-girlfriend ten years ago….I’m not going to say what I did in fears off looking like an even bigger douche than I do now. 😛 Thanks for reading my HUGE story! 😉

  14. November 9, 2011 4:43 pm

    Jimmy –

    I’m going to echo the sentiments of many other comments and let you know that your post created quite the stirring in my heart…and more than that, could NOT have come at a more perfect time…

    We all have the “ONE” in our lives, don’t we? The ONE we love like no other, the ONE that we can’t seem to forget (nor do we want to, no matter how much we try to tell others and OURSELVES that we want to), the ONE that we always wonder what it would have been like with…

    I both have the “ONE” for me and am the “ONE” for another and at the moment, as much as it hurts me to admit, I have been pushed away…and for as much as it hurts, there is also so much understanding, of his feelings, his fears, and most importantly his history…and for those reasons, I am ok with his actions…because I saw how he felt, saw the pure, raw emotion that is hid from everyone else…

    And in reading your story, I was reminded that it isn’t about me, it isn’t that he doesn’t love me or isn’t in love with me, but needs to do what seems best for him at the moment (and I say “seems” because I think, no I KNOW he is afraid)…he can’t do anything for me alone because as you said, that is too much pressure…for me, for us…and in that situation, we are destined to fail…

    Instead, I hope that he one day can do what he needs to do for him…and for himself alone, not thinking of the implications that that decision will have on me, on others in his life…for it is then and only then that he will be happy, not CONTENT, but truly happy and then we will see…

    I just have this feeling in my heart that our story is not yet over…and for as much as I know him, I wish I could hear from him that he doesn’t think it’s over yet either…and in your words, I heard a little bit of that…that being pushed away doesn’t mean it’s over, it just means it’s not right for this moment…

    And for that I thank you…

  15. November 9, 2011 9:30 pm

    Oh, dear. That was the relationship I was cheering about you being in again, wasn’t it? That’s the downside of reading blogs well after the fact. Ah well.

    I appreciate the honesty behind this post. As I said recently, you’re obviously growing and maturing, and you’ll only be better for it in the long run. It’s a good thing that you did not allow things to go further with Sabrina, because it truly wouldn’t have been fair to the man she has waiting at home. With that said, I do think that you are finally at a point where you can make things work. Or make an honest effort to do so, anyway. The fact that you were able to act in an unselfish manner is a big step in the right direction. The ball appears to be in her court, but I fully support you flying solo to figure yourself out. That’s the phase I’ve been in for the past little while, and my life has been rather peaceful as a result. Anyway, I wish you all the best yet again.

    • November 10, 2011 3:28 pm

      Well hello again!! Fancy seeing you here! 😉

      Yeah, I never brought up Sabrina until My biracial post the other day. The last breakup was hard too and thanks for rooting for us! It just wasn’t in the cards. I think a big reason why that relationship was so tempting because there was always drama.

      When we didn’t have my psycho ex bothering me, we realized our relationship was D.O.A. unfortunately.

      Thanks for the kind words my 2nd favorite Quebecer! 😛

      • November 10, 2011 8:00 pm

        ‘Tis my pleasure, my favourite Canadian blogger/fellow Poutine lover! lol I was whiling away time on Twitter and somehow found my way here. You’ll probably be seeing me pop up randomly here and there. It’s what I do. =D

  16. November 16, 2011 10:11 pm

    I’m a little behind on Catherine’s site, so I will just say I love the film, “Vicky, Christina, Barcelona.” It’s one of my absolute favorites and I wrote about it not too long ago. I also disagree with the quote, but I do tend to agree with the basic sentiment — Once love gets comfortable, it loses excitement. Fortunately, there are other ways in life to find excitement. And, after a long day of skydiving, bungee jumping, or train-hopping, it’s kind of nice to know the person you’re coming home to isn’t going to be in your bed with someone else. Mutual love can be a very, very nice thing.

    😉

  17. November 19, 2011 11:10 am

    Reblogged this on thisameliachick and commented:
    Cutest thing ever!

  18. November 28, 2011 1:15 am

    I love the honesty of this… we’ve all heard the story before, maybe even played a part in it but to hear it spoken about with brutal honesty is refreshing. I know a lot of women (myself included) who’ve been a Sabrina and all we ever want to know is why? why? why? why? I’m not certain that any woman would ever consider the fact that maybe the guy had been hurt and was still hurting. We just assume he’s a douchebag! To be fair though, knowing the reason why a guy treats you like he does, doesn’t actually make it easier to cope with… you’re still being treated badly. I really hope you can put aside what happened to you ten years ago and move on, I think it’s about time you started to treat yourself kindly.

    • November 30, 2011 11:15 am

      @Kristi40,

      Thanks for the comment and brutal honesty can be refreshing, cathartic and therapeutic despite the fact that it may come with consequences. I will be detailing what happened to us recently on my blog if interested. Thanks again for reading my epic story! 🙂

  19. November 28, 2011 8:48 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story…I think you were a stand-up guy when you didn’t let Sabrina sleep with you. But was is harder to do, is to let her walk away and let the story play out. I hope that if it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other.

    • November 30, 2011 11:13 am

      @shetraces,

      Thanks sweetie for your kind words. More has happened recently between Sabrina and I and I will be writing about it all week over at my blog, if you’re interested. 🙂

  20. Jes permalink
    January 4, 2012 1:01 pm

    I just read your blog and caught up on you and Sabrina…
    Yikes.
    a) I knew all that stuff you said would fuck with her head.
    b) You totally deserved that open letter
    c) The end of the story on new years is really cute… and i really really hope you guys work out.
    d) I would post this on your own blog… but my work computer wont let me. So i wrote it here.
    e) Good luck.

  21. May 20, 2012 4:57 pm

    Great post JJ. Hope you don’t mind if I call you that now. 🙂
    I can identify with the idea of transference. The explanation of that word has given me insight on some of my own past behavior. Thank you.

  22. Carlee Zeeland permalink
    December 2, 2014 11:29 pm

    Wow, I almost can’t believe I’ve stumbled across this. My ex boyfriend just let me go… Again, two weeks ago. My heart was shattered and although I’ve come a long way in too weeks I still am trying to make sense of why loving me wasn’t enough for him to get past his fears and self conflict. He said I deserved someone who new they could give me what I want and that he doesn’t know he ever will. He also couldn’t handle the pressure. He was overwhelmed that I new what I wanted out of life etc.

    The part that is making me angry and preventing me from being able to forgive him is this…

    We were friends for a year before we started dating… The second he told me he had feelings for me everything happenned so intense, so passionate so fast. He was so sure and so in love with me. It was like I had a saved him. As soon as it began it ended . With in weeks I felt his pulling a way. The games began and playing with my head. And it hurt so bad. He had been my best friend. We even worked together. How could he risk all of that if he wasn’t sure this was what he wanted or at least what he wanted to work towards.
    We broke up the first time. It had only been two months. I wasn’t the only inconsistency in his life however. The only thing he is consistent about is being inconsistent across the board whether it’s about his job, where he lives, his friends, family, life goals etc.

    I felt sorry for him and was okay. I bounced back so fast and forgave him. I was even able to be his friend.

    After two-3 weeks he was back. He literally got down on one knee(I found this dramatic) he promised me a million things. That he loved me more Than he ever imagined possible, I made him better, he wanted to be the man I deseved, he wanted to do nice things for me, marry me and have a family with me.

    I was terrified getting me back was just a challenge to him and that it would happen again. I told him I needed time. We spent 3 months apart, he never wavered. He would get pissed with me for not giving him a second chance, but then he would be nice again a d tell me he would wait. Eventually I cared about him as a person so much that I felt he deserved a chance.we got back together and our attraction and connection was undeniable. He was great to me for about a month and then slowly the old selfish, cocky, gameplay ing person came back. He hurt me with obvious things all the time and when I would spel it out to him he would tell me I was crazy, needy or overdemanding. I knew he was going to hurt me but kept holding on hoping how in love we were would be enough. I must have tried breaking up with him 100 times over the course of 9months because he was horrible to me. But he eventually would come around and beg me not to leave. He gave me just enough to stay.

    This last month he got increasingly weird and was feeling pressure even though I had done nothing differently. He needed a few days break from me which killed me because I knew he was getting weird and we may not recover.

    Finally after taking a break despite me pleading with him not to. He came back we hung out I was upset but he was there. Next thing I know he goes out to dinner with his troubled family. And the day after he breaks up with me.He told me he feels like he’s lived his entire life from someone else. And that he had to set me free. That he loves me so much and knows it doesn’t make sense but that I deserve so much better etc.

    I’ve never cried harder. I told him I wanted him and I loved him flaws and all. But he was so sure. Since then I have gone through multiple feelings.

    While I respect his honesty and know this is the best thing for me. I can’t understand why he begged and fought so hard for me back, was so sure, so convinced, only to let me go?

    Also after the pain, issues, mental games he played with me for so long knowing he was never going to be the person he had promised how do I just forgive him?

    If the girl you want more than anything is right there loving you and supporting your vulnerabilities why give up or let Her go just because of fear or pressure? What can you find solo that’s so different than what you will find being loyal to then and yourself because being happy with them is what you deserve.

    Please don’t take this as me being judge mental or sarcastic at all! I’m just projecting some of my questions and frustrations to a guy that can maybe give me some insight.
    Sorry for unloading my story on you, can’t tell you how much I appreciate hearing yours. It has helped me so much and it is great to see a guys point of view. Thank you. I hope you find everything your looking for out of life.

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