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Simply Solo Spotlight: Should I Stay or Should I Go

December 27, 2011

Hey there everyone – I hope you had a wonderful holiday and are amping up for a fabulous 2012! Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is a little bit different than usual. A reader reached out to me with a story and question on which she wanted to hear the advice of my readers. As I’m hoping Simply Solo can be a resource for anyone going through a breakup or relationship issue – no matter their age – I decided to share it with you. I hope you can offer some advice!

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

My name is Lux Kentt, a mostly happy, nerdy – and proud of it – 16-year-old girl. My boyfriend James and I have a difficult relationship. Some relationships are kept in secret, and though it is not common, it tends to happen more with teens than with adults. The same is true of us. He is turning 17 this December (an older boy, I know), and we have been together for just over seven months now. However, we were introduced by a mutual friend the beginning of September last year and were a bit inseparable from then on, even before we got together. His parents are strict Catholics who refuse to let him date until he is either in college or out of the house, so they clearly have been kept out of the loop on our dating situation. My parents also don’t know that we are together. Yes, I am “allowed” to date, and even did once – a monstrous experience that I choose to ignore when talking about my past. But, the one, I repeat ONE, time I ever in my life came home with a visible hickey (not from James) my mother freaked out and lectured me. She only calmed down once I assured her that it was just ONE, and that nothing else had happened.

Our friends and the girl who introduced us are the only ones privy to the knowledge that we are together. We also have our friends cover for us so that we can sleep over with each other sometimes (yes people, I am not a virgin – but don’t think that it’s just sex).

I am regretting my decision to tell friends though, as some of them are judgmental and hypocritical. I have a few friends who have recently “found” God, and they could not be more preachy with their views. (Two side notes: I have always hated that saying, “found God.” Where did he go? Were you unable to find him during hide and seek? And, I myself was raised Christian but am now agnostic, much to my mother’s chagrin and stepfather’s indifference.) One of my friends is a hot-blooded 18-year-old boy who, for as long as I have known him, has been a handsy, mouthy, man-wh*re of an SOB. At least, he was until three months ago. He recently got religious and since then has not done anything questionable outside of the occasional innuendo. When I told him of James’ and my trysts, he was very unsupportive, going so far as to tell me, “If a relationship is based on sex, it will FAIL.” And, “You should break up with him, it’s clear he doesn’t care for you since you had sex.” I fear I lost him as a friend when I called him preachy to his face and told him not to compare his last relationship to mine. We haven’t spoken since.

Our relationship ISN’T just sex, as every time hasn’t QUITE been roses and candles, but more on the making love side than anything else. James has turned me into quite the romantic, where I once believed that love didn’t really exist. However, the saying “love makes you do stupid things” is becoming truer for me every day. On some occasions I am pathetically sappy, on others downright b*tchy. Sometimes I fear he will get annoyed and leave me, though I know he won’t because he truly loves me too. But the fear drives me to ridiculous and rash actions.

A few days ago, I was watching a romantic comedy and when it got to the point of the main characters marrying – which is something I know James and I cannot do because of responsibilities to his parents – I sort of lost it. I made the hasty decision of breaking things off when I saw him the next day, then promptly left. I was called back to see him again by our mutual friend later that same day, and I arrived in time to see him balling his eyes out and begging me to come back to him. At the sound of him calling me his “light” I melted, coming back to my admittedly love blinded senses, and took him back, begging for forgiveness, which he easily granted. I am left feeling guilty, frustrated, and a bit depressed. This is not the first time we have had a push/pull event like this happen, but it certainly is the most severe. I am overwhelmed with a sense of foreboding that something is coming – something that will take him away from me for good. It is making me more rash than ever, because I truly don’t know how I will live without him, as he is my first love.

I know that many of you will believe I am just being melodramatic, and I understand where you are coming from. I have seen first-hand the end result of typical high school relationships enough times to realize how my story must sound, though I beg you to recant your hasty judgment. Please, if even just one of you would be so kind as to help me out with sound advice, even if it is just to tell me I sound spoilt to want to keep him forever, do so. I am lost and confused, and I have no one to confide in but you and the girl who helped me and James find each other.

Sincerely,

Unsure and alone

Copyright 2011. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


19 Comments leave one →
  1. December 27, 2011 11:11 am

    I clearly remember those feelings you describe. They are all consuming and delicious! Sadly those feelings fade into something different. If your relationship is based purely on physical it won’t last….too bad because it is delightful while it lasts. Find common ground and activities you enjoy together. Being best friends and having a great physical relationship is the recipe for long term success. Keeping secrets means disaster. If you have to hide it, how valuable is it? Just a thought…

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 28, 2011 11:07 pm

      It isn’t whether or not we enjoy hiding it, we know that his parents would absolutely go berserk if they knew he was dating anyone. I truly don’t understand why parents are so against teenagers having relationships. I believe it’s a good learning experience and a neccesary part of growing up. However, in the time past from when I first submitted this, we have come to a pretty logical conclusion. There isn’t any reason that we cannot simply agree to not see other people. Soon, we will have an official “break-up” though we will continue to be there for each other through thick and thin as we have done. The only thing changing is the status of our relationship (going from “together” to friends who like each other and occasionally cuddle). I took a long look at how keeping the secret made me feel, especially after one on my friends almost spilled the beans to my younger sister. Thank you so much for your opinion and help!! Reading through thee comments is just solidifying for me that this is the right choice.

  2. Karyl permalink
    December 27, 2011 12:45 pm

    There is a lot of validity in living your truth. By this I mean you want to be with James and James wants to be with you. Live that truth. Don’t hide it. There is nothing shameful between you if this is your truth except hiding it. The two of you are so young! Your problems should be grades and figuring out life directions. Part of knowing someone is being with them in public, how you treat each other and other people. How you treat each other’s families. Just imagine how upset your families would be if they found out you were dating from anyone but you. It may be hard, but I do

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 28, 2011 11:12 pm

      I agree wholeheartedly. Hiding it bothers me less than him (such a guy he is…) but it caused far too much tension. We are mutually breaking it off, not now, but with an agreement to do so following the new year. Thankfully I know that this will not change much between us, other than diminishing the physical aspect of our relationship (there’s such a thing as phones though), and the “title”. I know that one day he will find someone else, and on that day I will smile through my tears and clap for him. I also know that this day will not be soon, and that no matter what happens I will never regret being with him. He was and will always be my first love (no I don’t mean some highschool crush). I appologize for rambling, and thank you for your thoughts and help!

  3. December 27, 2011 12:46 pm

    Lux-

    first, let me just say that no matter what happens, you are going to be okay. Everything will be okay.

    And you know what? We’re ALL melodramatic in love, so if anyone tells you that, ignore her/him. And you’re not spoiled just because you want to keep your love.

    So. My advice is that you just live one day at a time, live each day as if it’s your last and enjoy the moment. You love him, and he loves you—what is there to regret or feel guilty about?

    One thing I’ve learned about people who judge: frequently they are the ones with the most sin, and they’re actually judging themselves with each word. Never take what they say personally. It’s their stuff, not yours.

    I repeat: you are going to be okay, no matter what. everything is going to be okay.

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 28, 2011 11:19 pm

      I know now that everything will be okay, but thank you so much! It’s hard to believe, but hearing that always helps. I have actually made up with the friend, as most of it was a misunderstanding. We had both recently talked to a friend who is in a reoccuring circle of the “highschool drama”. Date a boy for a week or two without knwing him well, saying “I love you” and being suprised and depressed when it ends a week later. This caused him to push his feelings about the other girls situation on me. He also admitted to having been an idiot when it comes to relationships in the past (a big step if you ask me). He still makes his sexual jokes, but now is a big sweetheart. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone in being melodramatic! Living it one day at a time, what a good way to put what we are trying out. We will be together for a couple more weeks, and then tentatively breaking it off – just to see if we can and how hard it is for each of us to go back to being friends and friends alone. Again, thanks so much!

  4. Claudia permalink
    December 27, 2011 1:12 pm

    I would like to reiterate from above: whatever happens, you are going to be okay.

    While other viewpoints are always a good thing, only you will know what is best for you when it comes to relationships. Listen to yourself. Listen to what the little voice inside your head is saying. Think about what you want and deserve out of a relationship. Then take an honest look at your current situation.

    Going off only what you wrote, it sounds like you already know what to do. Move on.

    While relationships aren’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, they also shouldn’t be this complicated. They shouldn’t be kept secret. They shouldn’t be filled with excuses. And they definitely shouldn’t be filled with the push/pull manipulation.

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 28, 2011 11:33 pm

      Several of my friends spoke with James about the push/pull thing a couple of days after I wrote this (originally it was written about a month ago) and he hasn’t done it since.I am deciding to move on (in part at least). It will be done gradually though. Our first step is breaking it off, which will happen at some point in the next month. Then going from still acting coupley to friends. And finally, ACTUALLY dating someone else. It will take time, but we will go back to just beng friends. We’ve had several long discussions since this was written and agreed on a few decisions regarding this. I can now say that I am happy and confident that this plan will work (and this way I don’t overwork my brain anymore)

  5. December 27, 2011 8:37 pm

    This reminds me SO much of my blog when I was sixteen! I know just how you feel! My answer is: don’t listen to your judgmental religious friends. Don’t be overconscious of the fact that you’re sixteen and your relationship probably won’t work out – it does more harm than good to think like that, I promise! Sex is not wrong and if he leaves you because of it, he’s a douchebag, and it doesn’t sound like he is at all. Don’t break up with people on whims! Your love at your age is just as real and valid for all its freshness and intensity due to your age. Enjoy it, and don’t bring the end forward by thinking about it. Honestly I wish someone had told me that.

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 28, 2011 11:43 pm

      Thank you, it’s nice to hear someone say “don’t worry”. Honestly, I am no longer worried. It is less about if we break up, and now about enjoying the time we have before we do. We are planning to split soon, the only differences being taking away the “title” of dating, and taking away actual sex. (Hey, there’s no law against friends with benefits). However, it isn’t like the feelings have stopped, so I really don’t have a REASON to be worried. Thinking about it like this and having a long talk with him seemed to be the only things I needed to do. Again, thanks for the support ❤

  6. December 28, 2011 9:03 am

    Sometimes I think friends can see things that we don’t want to see in our relationship. But I also think that you and James are the only people who really know what’s going on in your relationship.

    Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself. Do you have more happy days or sad days with James? Like everyone else said, you’ll be fine no matter what you decide to do.

    What did this comment mean: “I know James and I cannot do (marry) because of responsibilities to his parents”? I know it’s early for that because you’re still young (OMG I sound like my mother!), but I was just curious.

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 28, 2011 11:48 pm

      I just meant that if we wanted to when we grew older we wouldn’t be allowed to marry because he cares a bit too much what his parents think. Sorry for sounding confusing, I was sleep deprived when I typed this originally >.< I have more happy days, and that's what I have been focusing on! Thanks so much, and it's true, we are the only ones that truly understand what's going on.

  7. December 28, 2011 2:13 pm

    As far as having relationships with anyone at your age, you are going to have ups and downs. Its apart of learning about who you are and what you want in life. My advice to you is continue to think of yourself and ask questions to learn about life and you realize that many people have experienced the things that you are going through now. Stay positive and remember that it is always important to keep yourself surrounded by positive people, because whenever you are going through stressful situations, you need someone to uplift you, whether its your family or friends. As you get older you will tend to appreciate even the little things someone can do to be there for you during relationship problems. Learn to love your self and respect who you are and who you want to become and the right person will come along. You have to know yourself before attending to someone else. Relationships can be distracting and strenuos at a young age because boys can be immature, as well as the friends that you express your thoughts to about your relationship. In a commited relationshipe don’t tell people close to you everything. Its best to communicate with the person you are in the relationship with, unless he is harmful to you. I think you should tell your parents and talk to them because its hard to believe it now, but they know what is best; you will thank them later. You will be fine girl. 🙂 Good Luck and Bring in a positive New Year! 1coffeehouse.wordpress.com

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 28, 2011 11:52 pm

      Telling my parents would be unwise, I know my mothers opinion and speaking with her about love or sex (or even religion) is uncomfortable, as I’m sure it is for a lot of teenagers. It is indeed true, relationships can be distracting. I finally stopped worrying because I realized I was giving myself too much grief over it. So, I took a chunk of time and talked to himself (it’s a cliche, but communication IS key), and now I sleep easier at night. Thanks for the good luck, but I don’t think I need it 🙂 Happy New Year, and a belated Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate)

  8. I like boys who wear glasses permalink
    December 28, 2011 2:40 pm

    Following the advice already stated above: It will indeed be alright, no matter what happens (though I can imagine it might not feel that way at first – it will pass, trust me). I would like to add that you mentioned that you can’t imagine living without him, but remember that you have already lived without him for an X number of years, doing just fine I am sure. So having to live without him in the future is possible. It will be different but you are definitely able to do it happily…

    Having said that: I am curious what has made you (unconsciously?) distance yourself from James. You mentioned that you occasionally act mean, and are afraid he will leave you. You also mentioned that you can never marry each other, which frustrates you.

    So, do you want to end things with him because you no longer feel enough for him? Or are you trying to end things because you feel you will have to do that any way at a point – given his/your situation – making it easier to do it now rather than in the future?

    Try to answer truthfully for yourself which one of the two it is (or maybe there is a third/fourth/fifth possibility I am missing…??) Whatever the answer is, if you know it’s the right one, you will know what to do.

    Take friends views into account as they will provide you with a different angle/perspective to the situation, but listen to your own ‘gut feeling’ – you have it for a reason.

    Oh… and one last thing: Have you talked to James about your doubts? Knowing his point of view might help you as well…

    • PhantomofYourHeart permalink
      December 29, 2011 12:02 am

      Thank you so very much! No offense to the other comments as they all were well thought out, yours has been the most helpful. As you can read in my other responses, we have had lengthy discussions on what to do and come to a decison. I indeed did share my doubts with him, and he destroyed those doubts in the most amazing way possible (he very descriptively listed why he loves me and squashed the heck out of my doubts). I had wanted to end things for the second reason you listed, and not because my feelings have waned. That being said, he agrees that it will end at some point, but we have sworn that whatever happens, we will stay close. I hate to use this as an example, but it would be like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother attending Robin’s wedding even if he still was in love with her, and she still had minimal feelings for him. AT some point you must realize most things come to an end, and all you can do is make sure the end isn’t disastrous. No matter what happens now, he will always be my first love, and my first TRUE boyfriend.

  9. December 29, 2011 4:18 am

    Well I don’t know if my advice would be taken as ‘sound advice’ but I would like to tell you something.If James truly loves you which you know then what is making you think negatively about the future of this relationship?It is perhaps stemming from the fact that his parents still don’t know about you guyz and the fear that they won’t accept you.Why don’t you simply ask James to talk to his parents about you?Look once families get involved situation blooms.I tell you it’s just your insecurity of loosing him so work out this with your elders and tell your mom too about him once he’s convinced his parents.One question – why after watching that movie you broke off with him?Didn’t something stopped you?
    Check this out may be useful to you –
    Happiness Together
    How happy are you in your partnership? Discover it here.
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/happiness_together/happiness_together_instructions.asp

  10. December 29, 2011 10:01 am

    When you’re young everything can feel like the end of the world, especially when it comes to love. Hell, even when you’re not young love can make things feel like the end of the world. The best advice I can give you is simply live for today. If you allow yourself to get so wrapped up in what you want your future to be like or what might happen you will ultimately push it all away. Enjoy the times you have together, don’t analyze everything you guys do or say, just let it be and let time take you where it will. Also, try to do your best and not take any actions with anything when you are emotional. Try to take the time to let you and your emotions cool down and process things over before you do anything rash.

  11. January 5, 2012 1:00 am

    I have been through something similar. Although my high school boyfriend’s family new about me for awhile and after some arguments decided they no longer liked me or aproved of me being with him. We stayed together for about a year and a half after all of this. We ended up breaking up right before senior prom. Yes I was devistated, but delt with it. Now years later, now being 25, his has become my best friend of all time. At first it was hard for me to hear about him dating another women but that was 5 to 6 years ago. I just realized things didnt work out for us for a reason. Now he is happily married and comes to me when he has issue, to see if I can give him some advice since I know him so well. Now, mind you, him entire family loves me to death. I see them several times a year and go have drinks with his parents on occaison. Time really helps. Friendship didnt work for us right away, it took us about 2 years to realize we still wanted each other in our lives but only as friends. It is possible to turn a relationship into a friendship just give it time. I wish you the best of luck as a younger women, because I know it was hard for me to go through something like this. Eventually if you two are ment to be friends it will happen as it has for me and my now best buddy in the world and wouldnt change it. I hope what I have said doesnt hinder you just lets you know it can happen with time!! Good Luck!!!!!

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