Simply Solo Spotlight: Men and Marriage
Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Midori, who lives in eastside Seattle and writes for Dating Advice from a Girl, as well as her fashion and beauty blog, Midorilei. This post might be a tough pill to take for any women out there in a long term relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, but I think that Midori has some good points. I’m interested to hear what you guys think in the comments!
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Men and Marriage
You ever hear those stories about the girl who waits a decade for her boyfriend to propose, but instead of proposing, he breaks up with her and then ends up marrying the next chick he dates almost immediately?
I’m that next chick.
Before you start hating, I’d like to clarify that this whole messed up scenario has a happy ending for all those involved. I’d also like to garner your sympathy by telling you I was single for five years prior to meeting my now husband and have also gone through my share of heartbreak.
You see, I met my now husband during my freshman year of high school. We dated for 11 months, which as we all know, is like a decade by high school standards. Okay, not quite a decade, but a long time.
I went into the youth class at church and immediately my roommate and I spotted him. “Oh my goodness! Who is that hot guy over there?!” We giggled and scurried to our seats. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach when he sat down next to Esther, my friend, the cute girl with short curly platinum blonde hair who looked like Drew Barrymore back in the days when she flashed Letterman.
He’s taken. Bummer. Oh well. They make a cute couple.
As we all sat down in a U-shape, our youth leader had us play an innocent game of “telephone.” It starts at one end of the U with a Bible verse and ends at the other. Each person whispers the verse to the next person, and the last person stands up and says the verse out loud.
When it got to the last person, this hot guy stood up and looked very confused. “Esther’s feet smell like trash?”
Everyone started cracking up, and immediately Esther punched the hot guy next to her in the arm.
What a weird couple, I thought.
When I got back to the dorm after service, Esther stopped me in the hallway and said, “My brother wants to know if he can call you sometime at the dorm.”
Huh?! Omg! Two GREAT pieces of new information! They’re not a couple and he’s interested in me?!!!
I tried to stay composed. “Uh, that was your brother next to you? Yeah, he can call me.”
“Yeah, you couldn’t tell? He’s my twin!”
And so he called. Then he came over, introduced himself, and made me laugh when he told me a story that happened at the grocery store. I don’t remember what it was about, I just remember thinking this guy is hil-A-rious!
We were inseparable for 11 months. He told me he thought he was falling in love with me. I tried to imagine my Asian first name with his very American last name. It kind of made me squirm. And then my dad came to school and made me break up with him before summer break. He made me promise to stay broken up or I wouldn’t be allowed to return to school.
That was almost 15 years ago.
In the time that elapsed between high school and now, I’ve never forgotten about him. I’ve even had dreams about him. He was the one that got away. It took dating other guys to see that what we had was really special. I dated the guy who tried to hit on my friend, the guy with the temper who was still in love with his dead ex-girlfriend, the guy who didn’t think dating me was right because we were different races, the mama’s boy, and the friend turned make out buddy.
None of it was going anywhere.
He dated a girl for 10 years. She gave up an entire decade of her life, waiting, hoping, wanting to get married, but that day never came.
He said he didn’t want to move forward until he was sure, and he never felt sure. And so finally, they broke up, after she had given him all of her twenties.
Esther (our wonderful go-between) told him that I was on MySpace and that I was single.
He called me in January. I visited him in March. Moved in May. Got engaged on New Year’s Eve. Got married in July.
It was simple because it was meant to be.
The crazy thing is, both my now husband and his ex of 10 years got engaged to the next people they started dating almost immediately. And that’s why it’s a happy ending. Harrah!
But here is my advice to women:
Listen to these statistics:
- Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months.
- If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish.
- After 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.
Sometimes men won’t tell you they’re not that into you enough to marry you. They don’t even know they feel that way because they love you. All they know is they are waiting for that confirmation, and sometimes they won’t ever get that confirmation because you’re not the one.
But you ARE the one for some man out there, and the more time you waste with the guy who’s not sure, not ready to take the plunge, the more time you will spend in silent heartache. You are not an impatient women for wanting to be married. If you want to get married, you don’t have to be ashamed of that.
But you also don’t have to stick around. Two things will happen if you leave. He will realize he can’t live without you and will seriously start thinking about your future together OR he will forget about you and find the love of his life.
And that’s okay. Because it frees you up to find the love of YOUR life.
Remember there’s a reason why they don’t make a “Grooms” magazine. Weddings and marriages are predominantly female-centric dreams. So if someone’s going to have to call it quits because it’s not going anywhere, as the woman with a firm destination, and a biological clock, you need to be the one to call it quits … or you might be waiting a decade, and still no ring.
After my now husband and I started dating again, he told me, “I didn’t want to lead her on. I wasn’t trying to lead her on. I was just waiting for something. Some confirmation. And that thing never came. And now I know why. I was waiting to feel for her what I feel for you now.”
All the women men date, prior to the one they are going to marry, wonder what’s taking them so long.
Men don’t know what the confirmation feels like because until they meet the one, they won’t have the chance to feel it.
But when they get that confirmation, a man will know and will not hesitate to move forward. You won’t have to bring up the subject of marriage in fear. Guys who talk about why they married their wives say stuff like, “I just wanted to get her off the market ASAP!” or “I wanted the world to know she was mine!”
There is an aura of sweet possessiveness to it. He knows when he’s met the woman he sees as the mother of his children, the woman who will take on his name, the woman he can’t imagine not being by his side.
Ladies, don’t settle for him just because he’s all you’ve ever known, just because you’ve been with him soooo long. You deserve your dream man. And the one thing I know he will possess is this:
He will be CRAZY about you, and he will be rushing you to the altar.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.