Simply Solo Spotlight: Men and Marriage
Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Midori, who lives in eastside Seattle and writes for Dating Advice from a Girl, as well as her fashion and beauty blog, Midorilei. This post might be a tough pill to take for any women out there in a long term relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, but I think that Midori has some good points. I’m interested to hear what you guys think in the comments!
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.
Men and Marriage
You ever hear those stories about the girl who waits a decade for her boyfriend to propose, but instead of proposing, he breaks up with her and then ends up marrying the next chick he dates almost immediately?
I’m that next chick.
Before you start hating, I’d like to clarify that this whole messed up scenario has a happy ending for all those involved. I’d also like to garner your sympathy by telling you I was single for five years prior to meeting my now husband and have also gone through my share of heartbreak.
You see, I met my now husband during my freshman year of high school. We dated for 11 months, which as we all know, is like a decade by high school standards. Okay, not quite a decade, but a long time.
I went into the youth class at church and immediately my roommate and I spotted him. “Oh my goodness! Who is that hot guy over there?!” We giggled and scurried to our seats. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach when he sat down next to Esther, my friend, the cute girl with short curly platinum blonde hair who looked like Drew Barrymore back in the days when she flashed Letterman.
He’s taken. Bummer. Oh well. They make a cute couple.
As we all sat down in a U-shape, our youth leader had us play an innocent game of “telephone.” It starts at one end of the U with a Bible verse and ends at the other. Each person whispers the verse to the next person, and the last person stands up and says the verse out loud.
When it got to the last person, this hot guy stood up and looked very confused. “Esther’s feet smell like trash?”
Everyone started cracking up, and immediately Esther punched the hot guy next to her in the arm.
What a weird couple, I thought.
When I got back to the dorm after service, Esther stopped me in the hallway and said, “My brother wants to know if he can call you sometime at the dorm.”
Huh?! Omg! Two GREAT pieces of new information! They’re not a couple and he’s interested in me?!!!
I tried to stay composed. “Uh, that was your brother next to you? Yeah, he can call me.”
“Yeah, you couldn’t tell? He’s my twin!”
And so he called. Then he came over, introduced himself, and made me laugh when he told me a story that happened at the grocery store. I don’t remember what it was about, I just remember thinking this guy is hil-A-rious!
We were inseparable for 11 months. He told me he thought he was falling in love with me. I tried to imagine my Asian first name with his very American last name. It kind of made me squirm. And then my dad came to school and made me break up with him before summer break. He made me promise to stay broken up or I wouldn’t be allowed to return to school.
That was almost 15 years ago.
In the time that elapsed between high school and now, I’ve never forgotten about him. I’ve even had dreams about him. He was the one that got away. It took dating other guys to see that what we had was really special. I dated the guy who tried to hit on my friend, the guy with the temper who was still in love with his dead ex-girlfriend, the guy who didn’t think dating me was right because we were different races, the mama’s boy, and the friend turned make out buddy.
None of it was going anywhere.
He dated a girl for 10 years. She gave up an entire decade of her life, waiting, hoping, wanting to get married, but that day never came.
He said he didn’t want to move forward until he was sure, and he never felt sure. And so finally, they broke up, after she had given him all of her twenties.
Esther (our wonderful go-between) told him that I was on MySpace and that I was single.
He called me in January. I visited him in March. Moved in May. Got engaged on New Year’s Eve. Got married in July.
Dated in 1996. Married in 2010.
It was simple because it was meant to be.
The crazy thing is, both my now husband and his ex of 10 years got engaged to the next people they started dating almost immediately. And that’s why it’s a happy ending. Harrah!
But here is my advice to women:
Listen to these statistics:
- Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months.
- If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish.
- After 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.
Sometimes men won’t tell you they’re not that into you enough to marry you. They don’t even know they feel that way because they love you. All they know is they are waiting for that confirmation, and sometimes they won’t ever get that confirmation because you’re not the one.
But you ARE the one for some man out there, and the more time you waste with the guy who’s not sure, not ready to take the plunge, the more time you will spend in silent heartache. You are not an impatient women for wanting to be married. If you want to get married, you don’t have to be ashamed of that.
But you also don’t have to stick around. Two things will happen if you leave. He will realize he can’t live without you and will seriously start thinking about your future together OR he will forget about you and find the love of his life.
And that’s okay. Because it frees you up to find the love of YOUR life.
Remember there’s a reason why they don’t make a “Grooms” magazine. Weddings and marriages are predominantly female-centric dreams. So if someone’s going to have to call it quits because it’s not going anywhere, as the woman with a firm destination, and a biological clock, you need to be the one to call it quits … or you might be waiting a decade, and still no ring.
After my now husband and I started dating again, he told me, “I didn’t want to lead her on. I wasn’t trying to lead her on. I was just waiting for something. Some confirmation. And that thing never came. And now I know why. I was waiting to feel for her what I feel for you now.”
All the women men date, prior to the one they are going to marry, wonder what’s taking them so long.
Men don’t know what the confirmation feels like because until they meet the one, they won’t have the chance to feel it.
But when they get that confirmation, a man will know and will not hesitate to move forward. You won’t have to bring up the subject of marriage in fear. Guys who talk about why they married their wives say stuff like, “I just wanted to get her off the market ASAP!” or “I wanted the world to know she was mine!”
There is an aura of sweet possessiveness to it. He knows when he’s met the woman he sees as the mother of his children, the woman who will take on his name, the woman he can’t imagine not being by his side.
Ladies, don’t settle for him just because he’s all you’ve ever known, just because you’ve been with him soooo long. You deserve your dream man. And the one thing I know he will possess is this:
He will be CRAZY about you, and he will be rushing you to the altar.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey 
I think in a lot of ways, this post is spot on. I think if marriage is what you want, then you and your partner know when you know. And ususally you know pretty quickly. Some people don’t necessarily want that. I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years and we are not married – or even engaged. I don’t know that I care although I do push for some level of commitment. And it seems that even in our “modern” world, the only way people can really figure out how to commit is through marriage. So I suppose, if I want commitment, then I have to want marriage? In which case… I am pretty sure my window of opportunity here is a distant one.
Someone once told me that relationships that start off “hot and sexy” always end in dramatic fashion… and that is what my relationship is… it was a hot and sexy animal magnetism… all consuming, mind altering… it was a drug. We just beat the odds so far… because typically those type of relationships don’t last more than a few months. So that’s something, right?
Rambling Aimlessly,
There’s a lot to say for that animal magnetism! Many people have marriage; very few people have an animal magnetism that lasts. So, you’re right. It’s definitely something, something rare and beautiful. I would never underestimate that.
And I don’t 😀 What we have is powerful, frustrating, wonderful, and exhausting all at once. But it has been an experience I will never regret!
Rambling Aimlessly,
sounds like love to me:)
I so want to hate this article because I was the woman in the 10 year relationship waiting and his next chick moved in in 5 months and then engaged in 7 months and I hated him for wasting my time. I still have resentment issues but I have met a wonderful person who all he ever speak about is when we get married and that is something my ex never wanted to speak about. The kicker is that I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months. The proof is of course in the pudding. He gives me all his time and he is patient with me, all the things my ex was not with me and so I have leaned to appreciate him so much more.
At least you didn’t marry him! Some guys just end up marrying some of these girls because there was no one better and then you see these couples trapped in loveless boring marriages. So you had a lucky escape, girl! You never married him so you remained free to meet this new wonderful guy. You got it good!
This is a wonderful story and I’m so glad that it had a happy ending for all. That being said, I’m not sure I agree with the post.
I think timing has a lot to do with it. The majority of my friends are married and have been for some time now; some got engaged after a year or 2 together, others waited, 5, 6, 7 even 8 years. The thing is that the couples who waited longer weren’t unsure or unhappy in their relationships; they just weren’t ready to be married right away. Marriage wasn’t the end all be all for them and instead they wanted to focus on school, their careers, buying homes and travelling before walking down the aisle. That’s not to say that their number one priority wasn’t their significant other, I’m just saying that there was an understanding that marriage wouldn’t change the way they felt about each other so they could wait. Basically marriage wasn’t the number one priority, the other person was and they didn’t need a ceremony to confirm their feelings for each other.
Strangely enough, amongst my friends, the couples who have been together the longest and waited the longest to get married seem to be the ones who have the strongest relationships. They are still in love, still hold hands, still act pretty much like they did before. On the contrary many of my friends who moved more quickly seem to struggle more. They’re happy enough but there have definitely been a lots more hiccups along the way.
I’m not saying that one way or the other is best. There are pros and cons to each. You can bring stats into it, but I just don’t think it’s fair to say that couples who waited longer were any less certain about their feelings; it’s often a matter of timing and each relationship is different.
Ashley,
You make a great point! I think the difference between my story and the ones of your friends is that my husband’s ex girlfriend WANTED marriage right away and all throughout the relationship and my he was never sure. They weren’t on the same page. Your friends who married after waiting a long time seem to both be on the same page in terms of how they viewed marriage and how committed they were to each other. They seem to also be moving forward together sure of their bond. Nate was never sure. That’s the important point I think.
I’d be curious though… if you asked the women in those relationships if they ever had any anxiety or wanted marriage more or before the men…
I’ve just found that with my friends who had been with their boyfriends for several years that they secretly (they tell me because I’m one of their closest friends) have anxiety over not being married. That all changed when the guys proposed.
hmmm… just some thoughts.
But I’m happy to hear that your friends seem content in their long term relationships without the marriage aspect.
Ena,
I’m sorry you had to be in that position, waiting for ten years, but I am SOOOO happy you got out of it and found the guy who is wanting to move things forward!
Loved reading this. Your story gives me so much hope.
utahstateaggiegirl,
Oh, I’m so glad! Comments like yours are what keep me writing:)
I’m just wondering why there is such an emphasis on getting married as the end point of consumating a long term love and live-in relationship.
The emphasis might be better off in the beginning for awhile on sharing values, lifestyle, interests and intimacy..intimacy that is rooted firmly in trust and fidelity. As well, as work on communicating and sharing continuously. Believe me, you don’t need a wedding band for this nor should anyone expect this will give one the guarantee.
I’m not married but I’ve been with dearie for nearly past 20 yrs.
I think if we put “wedding” temporarily for awhile when entering a new relationship, it would lessen the sense of desperation and some rash action (not of midorilei).
Jean,
I think for me, a huge part is because of my religious upbringing. I also don’t feel comfortable with the idea of calling my partner my boyfriend when I’m in my 40s, 50s and 60s:(
There’s a level of sweet possessiveness when I look at my wedding ring- this tangible token that reminds me that I belong to somebody. I also feel protected by it– when any man is interested in me romantically, he already knows that I have committed my life to somebody without me ever having to say a word.
There’s a protection of feeling like when my husband goes out in public, at just a glance of his hand, another woman will also know that he has promised his life to someone.
I like the idea of a man making it public in front of all our family and friends that we are to be seen as a unit until we die.
I like having a witness, legal papers, and family and friends to hold us accountable of the promise we made to each other for a lifetime of fidelity.
I like being a “wife.” I like calling him my hubby. I like the idea that it’s harder to get out of a marriage than it is to get out of a relationship. I like the idea that in God’s eyes we are “one.” I guess I’m just traditional and sentimental.
I know having a wedding ring is no guarantee for fidelity or a lifetime of commitment, but it’s somewhere to start for two people who want the world to know and support their union. I just like everything about marriage, the whole idea is filled with promise and hope. Nothing else in this world asks for a lifetime commitment. Not your job, not your mortgage. I’m just fascinated by the whole institution.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your response Midorilei. Beautifully said.
Rambling Aimlessly,
Thank you so much. You are so kind!
Don’t get me wrong, the institution of marriage is great for those who make it work or it helps them work out problems (I guess by the assurance of a wedding band and vows that forces some couples to worker harder on their marital problems??)
My parents are married ..for past 54 yrs.(You can guess how old I am since I am the oldest of 6 and was conceived after my parents married.) I’ve never seen my father wear a wedding band. But he is the most patient and faithful husband to his wife, my mother with a fiery temper. Also a patient dad and mediator in family conflicts. My mother also gave up wearing her wedding ring, when she gained abit more weight.
They will be together until they die…my father currently has cancer @83 yrs. My mother is a picture bride, my parents only briefly corresponded by letters and photo exchange. Then my father paid her airfare, arranged her residency papers and they met for the first time when she got off the plane in Toronto from China. Now, as you know that type of marriage there is a HUGE risk. and differrent mentality. Or maybe not after all.
That’s why I’m not freaked out that I don’t have a wedding ring nor he, to prove to the world that we’re married and for each other.
(By the way, he divorced several decades ago and there was an unpleasant court battle. There are 2 adult children from his former marriage.)
I just think IT’S SILLY that they stayed together for 10 years & couldn’t move on from it. If the other girl didn’t find someone right away, I’d feel so badddd for her.
Nessa Nguyen,
I agree:( I wouldn’t have written this article had it not been a happy ending for everyone…
“But you ARE the one for some man out there, and the more time you waste with the guy who’s not sure, not ready to take the plunge, the more time you will spend in silent heartache.”
I love this post! It’s so honest and beautiful and TRUE and EXACTLY what I needed to read. Thank you for this! Lovely writing, and a wonderful story.
Larissa,
You’re welcome! I’m so glad:) My heart swells when I feel like my writing has made a real connection with a reader…
thank you for your sweet comment!
This post is right. I dated a guy for over 3 years and he was the one who would say he would marry me. At first I didn’t believe him but, after a while I believed him. After 3 years he broke up with me. He said he had some growing up to do and it wasn’t me it was him. It took me about a year to actually get through my head that he had dumped me. I actually believed he just needed time away from me. He would call me and we would still have sex so I didn’t think it was actually over. But, if what you said is true, if it is true that a guy knows when he has met the one when he can see her as the mother of his children, then I am wasting my time because I came out pregnant while in the relationship and he said I couldn’t have it. Till this day I haven’t forgiven him or myself for the action that was taken. I tell myself I have but, I’m lying. My therapist thinks I need to distance myself from him if I want to begin to heal emotionally. I have brought up the distance to him and he really doesn’t seemed to bothered by the fact that I would not be in his life. I think that’s what he wants but hasn’t officially done it because I always start to cry and he says he can’t stand to see me cry. I haven’t build up enough strength to walk away and I guess its because I am afraid that when I do I won’t look back, I mean I won’t come back. But I am suffering in silence and it is killing me inside. I don’t like who I have become. I want to tell him everything I am feeling so when I do walk away I would have said all that needed to be said, but I don’t think there are enough words in the English language or enough time in the world to really get him to understand how much he has hurt me. He says it wasn’t easy for him to walk away but he had to because he had to grow. I get that he thinks I hold him down. I don’t want that for him. He still says he loves me but, when I tell him he won’t tell me back, he just stays quiet. I know he cares but its just not the way I want or need him to care. I am clearly not the one and I really have to accept it and move on. I have stopped having sex with him. Its a small step. He is always telling me just to let things be and see where they take us. Its hard because what I see is not the same thing that is a reality. I don’t see me with him, at least not married. I am even having trouble seeing myself as his friend. I think he sees us as friends but he wont me miss me if I am not there to see him all grown u. I might run across his mind, but nothing major. If anyone can give me some advice on how I can let go and move on with my life I would really appreciated it. Any guys who read this post please let me know if I am right. I’m really confused and I want clarity and peace.
Oops I put my reply to your post as a regular comment. See below.
You might find it helpful to write a letter to him. You don’t have to give it to him unless you want to. But I have found the act of writing out everything you want to say to an ex or soon to be ex therapeutic even if its never given to the person. From what you say there doesn’t seem to be anything left in the relationship for you. My advice is to make a clean break with this person. You can’t get over someone who is still a part of your life. Find new things to do, think about what you want out of life, find a cause you believe in and donate your time, make plans with friends, go to meetup.com and find a new group that you can have some fun with too. One day at a time the pain will subside but you need distance from this person and some new things to occupy your mind and time to get through. Before you know it you’ve built yourself a new life and you will be stronger than you ever have been. Take care of yourself.
Funny that you said to write a letter to him because I found myself doing just that today. I don’t think I will ever give it to him but I did realize I need some time to myself. I’m not ready to date but am ready to start moving on.
Reblogged this on ahree’s achoochoos and commented:
sad but true…bee there! 😦