My Ex is Getting Married
A friend asked me a while back, “What are you going to do if your ex gets engaged again?”
“Put on something sexy, go to his house and get him back. Obviously,” I replied, relishing her reaction.
I was joking, of course. The thought of actually doing that – trying to get him back – seemed so far removed from the realm of possibility that it seemed like a beautifully ridiculous response. And, joking about the topic was a hell of a lot easier than dealing with the actual emotions I would feel if this should ever happen.
Correction: when this would happen. We all knew it was inevitable. But somehow, you can know something is going to happen with every essence of your being, but then when it happens, it can blindsight you.
Last summer, I shared with you how my ex was dating Tina – his high school sweetheart who coincidentally divorced her husband right when we cancelled our wedding, who was also coincidentally secretly texting with my ex fiancé almost every day the last eight months of our relationship. The funny thing is, Tina wasn’t even part of the reason we ended our relationship after seven years. She was just the tip of the betrayal iceberg.
I don’t have the emotional capacity to get into the story about how Tina and my ex came to be, but it’s pretty well documented here. And by pretty well documented, I mean I had verbal diarrhea and used my blog as an outlet to express all the pent up anger I had toward my ex. The post was titled “Hello, Anger,” but the runner-up title was “I Knew You Would Move On … But Did It Have To Be With Her?”
Just when I’ve recovered from the anger, I find out on Facebook that my ex fiancé is now engaged to Tina. Yes, on Facebook. Even after my ex told me – promised me – that he would tell me when he got engaged. He swore to me I wouldn’t have to find out from some third party. I deserved better than that. He owed me that.
He lied.
This shouldn’t have surprised me one bit. But somehow, it was a shock to me. I was so certain he would keep his promise, this last promise he made to me. I believed a piece of him must have loved me enough to show me the respect to tell me himself.
I was wrong.
I found myself staring at her changed relationship status and all the congratulations of her friends and family. Before I knew it, I was looking at a picture of them post-proposal. The picture was strikingly similar to the picture he and I took after he proposed to me. I think it was even taken in the same location.
What did I do? Change into a sexy outfit, race to his house and get him back?
No. I did the next best thing.
I cried.
Then I got my shit together and went to a meeting.
Oh, I didn’t mention I was at work when this all happened? Silly me.
Finding out my ex was engaged again was alarmingly painful. Old feelings started to resurface; wounds that I thought were healed were suddenly fresh and red hot. He was mine. He was going to marry me. We were supposed to spend our lives together. He got down on one knee and proposed to me on that rainy October day. And suddenly, he is marrying someone else.
That week, I cried more than I’d like to admit. I got angry. Not just at him for not telling me, but at the unfairness of it all.
It’s not fair that he can break my heart and still get his happily ever after. With the person he apparently always wanted – even when he was with me.
It’s not fair that he can find someone to love – someone to marry – before I do. I selfishly wanted to be deliriously happy before he was.
How can he move on so fast? Here I am, fearful of marriage, a borderline commitment-phobe, still discovering who I am and what I want out of a relationship, and he’s getting married.
But if I’m honest with myself, he didn’t move on that fast. This April, it will be two years since we cancelled the wedding. This July will be the two year anniversary of our unwedding day. Clearly, he could have gotten engaged much faster than he did. But this isn’t just about physical time.
He’s ready but I’m not because I’m still healing. I’m still learning to trust again – to love again. I’m still the girl who wrote this. My heart is mending, most days getting stronger, but it’s still fragile.
I’m not prepared to put a ring on again. I don’t have enough trust in me to promise someone forever.
Perhaps he can move on so easily because he was the one who fractured our relationship. He doesn’t have to live, day in and day out, with this fear that it’s going to happen again. That the person you love will utterly betray you the moment you let your guard down – the moment you give yourself permission to be truly happy.
What if he’s changed, the way Tina thinks he has? Maybe he’s come clean about his transgressions and turned a new leaf. Maybe he’s a better man than he was with me.
If so, that means I was nothing but his relationship training wheels. Hurting me so badly was exactly what he needed to be the perfect husband for Tina. She’s going to get the life, the kids, the future, the wedding, the laughs, the late night talks, the weekly TV shows, the nightly tucks-ins, the “I love you” texts, the everything he promised me the day he proposed to me.
She’s getting everything I always wanted with the man I always wanted. I find myself jealous of a woman I’ve never even met.
Luckily for me, or perhaps this is the defense mechanism I’m using to move past this, I can’t be prisoner to this jealousy for long. Because I don’t believe that people change. If I truly thought he has changed, perhaps I’d be contemplating a visit to his house. I’d script an emotional reunion where I’d prove to him I’m the right one for him. Better yet, I’d up the drama and wait until the preacher says, “Speak now or forever hold your peace,” and scream “I object!” from the back of the crowded church. It’s what they do on TV, and I’m a sucker for an unrealistically romantic moment.
I would do all these things, but I believe he is still the person he was almost two years ago. There was a reason I left him then, which is the same reason I don’t want him now.
The good thing for me is I am not the same person I was almost two years ago. I am stronger. I am more independent. I know now that I can survive anything. I am certain that I made the right decision.
There’s another reason I won’t let this news keep me down for long. Contrary to the tone of much of this post, I truly want him to be happy. I was marrying him in the hopes that I would be the person to make him happy for the rest of his life. Since that’s not going to happen, I’m glad that he found someone to spend his life with. I hope he’s ready to ride without the training wheels. I hope no other woman has to suffer as I did because of his demons. God, I hope he’s happy. Because the part of me that still loves him – that will probably always love him – wants nothing more than for him to find happiness in this world.
And here’s hoping I’ll find it too.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey 
There you go AGAIN…putting into words just how so many of us have felt before…I’ve been in a similar place and I remember feeling the very fragile bandage I had put over my heart lifting and the air hitting the fresh wound and taking my breath away…just how long was my heart going to belong to him? The one that had moved on? As you said, there’s always going to be a part of me that loves him…when you share your life like that how can there NOT be? And you…you are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G…you can do anything, you’ve shown us that time and time again and you almost (read almost) got me to believe that I can, too! Love you so – for sharing your heart, for reading my mind, but mostly for just being YOU…
Lori,
YOU are amazing! And I really do believe you can do anything. I hope soon you believe it all the way too.
Thanks for being the first comment on this post. I was really frightened about the reaction and you calmed my nerves and made me feel like my efforts were worthwhile. I really appreciate that. And thanks for making me feel a little less alone on this one. 🙂
I can’t help but thinking of the Adele lyrics as I read your post, “Never mind, I’ll find someone like you.” I know that song is about the conflict she feels in seeing him with someone else – but in all seriousness – that dagger feeling goes away. I lived through it myself and realized that I didn’t want someone even remotely like him in the end.
Heartache is a bitch. But you get through it and you find the person who is right for you or you even find comfort in realizing you don’t even want someone else – that you are fine on your own. I think when you come to terms with the latter, that person usually finds a way to appear in your life.
keep trucking, darling.
Kiran
Thanks Masala. I really appreciate your supportive comment. It’s funny, that song has spoken to me so much that I almost framed this blog post around it! The only part that didn’t speak to me was that she seemed to want to get him back. So many of the lyrics are so specific to how I felt about this discovery about my ex getting married. Adele really has a way with her music.
“You even find comfort in realizing you don’t even want someone else – that you are fine on your own”
Now THIS is the Holy Grail! But definitely a huge milestone for anyone looking to feel secure and complete within themselves.
Thanks again for your comment.
My ex DID get maried…like you, I found out at work. hey sent me home because i could.not.stop crying. Like you, he never had the guts to tell me he was with another, and only told me he was getting married because I KNEW and told him I knew. Unlike you, we were not engaged but had made promises and vows and were supposedly headed down that path….and these are the statements you made that I can so relate to and identify with:
It’s not fair that he can break my heart and still get his happily ever after. With the person he apparently always wanted – even when he was with me.
He’s ready but I’m not because I’m still healing. My heart is mending, most days getting stronger, but it’s still fragile.
Perhaps he can move on so easily because he was the one who fractured our relationship.
Maybe he’s a better man than he was with me.
She’s getting everything I always wanted with the man I always wanted.
But you are right…you made the right decision…you deserve someone who will give you all he promised on a consistent basis with no doubts or worries about the next chick or the last chick.
Be brave, sweetie!
DC BBW,
Ugh, finding out at work is the worst. It’s enough to make me want to stop checking Facebook at work. But for the record, I have to be on Facebook for my clients sometimes…. LOL.
Thanks for sharing your story, too. I’m so glad we have this place to connect with one another and not feel alone. Being upset when someone else moves on doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. I think it’s human and honest. I’m not sure everyone is so honest with how they feel in this situation.
“You deserve someone who will give you all he promised on a consistent basis with no doubts or worries about the next chick or the last chick.”
So true…and I really believe I’ll find it. And keep it for a lifetime. I’m wishing the same for you 🙂
Inded a cry from the heart and a whimper from the soul. You’ve opened the wound to let the bad stuff out.And your belief in Love is so touching.
I share in most of your feelings here (only, I’m not so good at forgiving and wishing the best for everybody)
There is an up-side. That is the bit about getting stronger. It happens during these painful days and it’ll bless you in the years to come. All I can do is to cheer from the pavilion and urge you on. And when in two or three year’s time, when Tina writes something like this, you’ll be happy and settled and getting on wiyh life. You go, girl…
“There is an up-side. That is the bit about getting stronger.”
You are so right here. Without this experience (the whole breakup, not just this piece) I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. I really can’t ask for much more than that. Thanks so much for your comment and support.
Pain remains the best fertilizer for growth. Good luck!
Having gone through a divorce only months before your break-up, and coming across your blog early on, I’ve watched as you and I share so many similar emotions at times.
Just some friendly advice, take it or leave it: unfriend him, her and anyone else you aren’t truly friends with. You know you’re just doing yourself harm. Facebook isn’t your friend, and no matter how much you want, to know (in your heart), you know you don’t want to know (in your brain).
Next: if you were his training wheels, just remember, to be fair, someone else – whomever that is and where ever and whenever you meet him – will have had their training wheels with someone else.
Ever make a promise and later realize you shouldn’t have to keep that promise? He may have promised he’d let you know, but he also – at that time – was a different guy having different feelings. You both thought you wanted certain things. Perhaps he’s realized, even if he is still the same, that he couldn’t legitimately keep that promise without opening up old wounds? You left him, right? Regardless of what he did to deserve it, as a guy that had his to-be-wife leave, you have no idea how getting left feels. I do respect what you’ve been through, too. Honestly.
Regardless of if he’s the same guy or not, if he was willing to carry on a relationship (flirty at the very least) with someone else, he’s probably willing to do it again. You deserve better than that.
Zak,
I really appreciate your comment. Particularly because you’ve been following my story for so long, and also because you have been going through a very similar timeline.
“No matter how much you want, to know (in your heart), you know you don’t want to know (in your brain).”
For me, it’s that I want to know in my brain, because I feel like if I know all the information I can better prepare myself for all things. But I don’t want to know in my heart, because it hurts too much. Know what I mean?
“If you were his training wheels, just remember, to be fair, someone else – whomever that is and where ever and whenever you meet him – will have had their training wheels with someone else.”
I guess I never thought of it this way – thanks for the perspective.
Now regarding the promise – he made this promise to me around the same time as the Hello, Anger post (less than a year ago). So it’s not like he promised this right when we broke up. It was when I found out he was seeing Tina and he said I would never have to find out they were getting married by some third party. For me, promises are the most important thing we have to offer someone. This was his promise to me…and I do feel like he broke it. Whatever his reasons. When I make a promise, I do my very best to keep it. But that’s just a personal opinion, but I do hear what you are saying. Sometimes we make promises we can’t keep. My argument would be to do a better job when making promises 🙂
Thanks so much for your continued support Zak – I always appreciate your thoughtful advice.
I apologize for sounding preachy. I certainly don’t know everything.
I appreciate your response to my comment. I agree that promises are very important to me, as well, but accept that like the word love, many people misuse promises. The best I can do is not rely on those I know not to rely on, based on past experience. Oh yeah, and like you, if I make a promise, stick to it as best as I can.
I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did, but the important thing is you are dealing with it like an adult (unless you egged his place and didn’t mention that!).
Haha, Zak. You weren’t preachy! I didn’t mean to come off defensive. Just a sensitive subject 🙂
Oh, I didn’t mention that I egged his house, keyed his car and sent threatening notes to his mother? Silly me. Haha 🙂 JK. Sometimes I wish I did some of that crazy stuff when it was somewhat justifiable. Mighta felt good. LOL. But damn it, I had to go and *try* to take the high road!
Wow, your story really touched me! What an amazing true story from the heart and I felt it too! We’ve all been there and I wish the best for you too in finding the love of your happy ending!
Thanks so much mydearshanghai! I appreciate the kind words and best of luck to you 🙂
Yes, yes, yes!
My ex got married about 2 years after our called off wedding/break up as well. I saw him at Olive Garden…on the weekend of his wedding…with his fiance.
As much as I try to think “I hope no other woman has to suffer as I did because of his demons,” I also believe people don’t change, I felt a little sorry for the girl. And I think my ex proved that by emailing me/texting me after he got married.
Thoughts,
Ugh. I would have hated to be you in that Olive Garden. I haven’t actually “accidentally” seen my ex since the breakup. That’s gotta be no fun… especially with the wedding timing you experienced!
I hear you on feeling sorry for the girl. That’s been a reaction some of my friends have shared for Tina. I really mixed feelings about this. I just want to get to a point where I don’t think about either of them at all. When will that happen? 🙂 Now the emailing/texting after married… you should totally out your ex to his wife on that one! haha. I probably wouldn’t, too much drama, but really, how do guys do this stuff and expect to get away with it?
Wow. Thank you for the honesty. And you’re right, people don’t change. People do grow though. Thank you for sharing your growth.
As with so many other women in the this great big world, I too have shared part of this journey. And I too found out my dream guy was dating/engaged to another via Facebook. Love ya Facebook, mean it. It took my breath away. It was a punch in the gut. I “unfriended” him on the spot. He has since asked to be friends again, even on Facebook. And there is a wonderful song about that by Kate Miller-Heidke called “Are You F**king Kidding Me”. Love this song. Anyway, as I text him with his wedding day drawing near, I realise he did me a favor in breaking my heart now. It would have been so much worse if we had married. Because people don’t change and it would have happened when we were married.
People don’t change, and I deserve better. I deserve to trust and love. And so do you. You’ll get there. 🙂
Thank you Karyl, for sharing your story. I haven’t heard that song but now it’s definitely on my list to check out! That sounds like a good one! Your description of how it felt – like a punch in the gut – is so right on. But slowly it becomes a dull ache, and then it’s not there at all anymore. So happy that you have your positive perspective on what you’ve been through. You do deserve better and I know you’ll get it!
My ex didn’t get married but he has lived with 2 (possibly 3) women since our break up 2.5 years ago. After reading this, I don’t feel so badly about my trust and relationship issues (and for my inability to get out there and date). Thank you for your honesty.
Ironically, I’m going away this weekend with friends… it’s to escape my friend’s ex-fiancee who is getting married this weekend and all their old friends are coming to town for the wedding and want to see her and THEN go to the wedding. I’m hoping I can share this blog post with her so that it might help her heart.
Pammy Girl,
Gosh, I really feel for your friend. That sounds pretty miserable and getting the hell out of dodge sounds like it was a smart plan. How was your weekend? Everything go OK?
RE: your ex, I just don’t get how people move on so fast. Living with 2 or 3 women in 2 1/2 years seems pretty excessive. Obviously, I don’t know your ex, but I would say that many people who jump that quickly into relationships are overcompensating for something. Or have a fear of being alone. But that’s just what I’ve seen. But thanks for sharing your experience…I’m not happy you’ve gone through this, but I’m happy to hear I’m not the only one who has these trust issues even after some time has passed.
Catherine, I thought this was such a beautiful, honest post. I so much applaud you in the great strides you’ve come since the end of that relationship. I’ve followed your journey for a little less than two years and watched you turn into a more amazing, strong woman. I agree with Zak that you need to unfriend him and anyone else you know in common that may not be close friends. Less exposure to them and their pending nuptials, the better. Also, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed for being sad. This was a person you loved and thought would be with for the rest of your life. You are allowed to feel sad for the loss of that hope/dream. I am so glad, though, that you understand that people don’t change (I need to get a better grip on that myself) and that understanding will help you completely move on from the ghosts of that relationship. Much love to you! xoxo, Amy
Thanks so much Amy. It’s always wonderful to hear from you and I know you’ve been through your fair share of relationship struggles so I always respect your perspective. You are right about FB – I have no interest in having any future exposure to their pending nuptials, or even the rest of their lives. This was enough for me. And thanks for the reasurrance on how I’ve been feeling – sometimes I feel downright silly when things like this bother me. Then I find myself upset at myself for being upset. That’s a lot of upset. Best strategy (for me anyway) is to just own the upset so I can move past it. I’m glad to have this outlet to do it.
Oh my God. Just reading the title of that post made me sick to my stomach putting myself in your situation. I’m so, so sorry you have to deal with that. That’s got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. I hope it gets better soon. You’re obviously introspective and articulate and lovely and will find someone who deserves you and will make that ex just a blip on your life’s radar!
Thanks so much Ginger Louise. I certainly didn’t waste anytime with the title of the post, huh? 🙂 It was a terrible feeling – the way my stomach dropped was remarkable. But it was a temporary pain, and I’m back on track for my own happiness now. And that feels pretty damn good!
Wow. I really need to get caught up on your posts, seriously got caught up on this one. This was great, truly honest. I understand. We’d been separated for a while but my Ex got married just 4 months after the divorce was final. I found out about the engagement via voicemail after the kids failed to tell me on Mother’s Day as he sent them to do. Recently my kid told me that his wife is pregnant. Yup. Anyway, I wrote about how the marriage made me feel “How Do I Really Feel.” http://wp.me/p1sXPw-7o and “He’ll be Married, I’ll be Free.” http://wp.me/p1sXPw-4t but although he broke my heart and left me with a mess while he seems to have started anew, but “I don’t love him” anymore http://wp.me/p1sXPw-6Z . I really don’t. And he’s not my friend. I was treated horribly. I have a big heart, but not for him. He can make his own happiness and doesn’t need my well wishes. I agree with another comment that you don’t have to watch his life. Streamline your friends and followers so that you get news and info and banter you actually enjoy. I have not checked my ex-husband or his wife’s facebook pages in about a year and a half — I don’t need to see wedding pics or a swollen belly — of people I don’t even like. That’s the key. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those “happy” “count your blessings”, “everything happens for a reason” people, I’m just sharing that it helps me to no longer be involved in his life (a difficult feat since we have children together). I am a commitment-phobe for sure now, but that’s okay — for now. Some people, seems often some men (my Ex for sure) need to be coupled up. In that way, I’m not surprised it happened so fast. My Ex is tall, good looking and has a good job and not afraid of marriage. He couldn’t have stayed on the market for long. I really don’t spend any time wishing for his happiness, though, I need to find my own. I’m very politically incorrect in that way. He left to find his happiness. I wish for my own, and for my friends and family.
I do have to say that it was surreal in a way. My (ex) husband married someone — promised to love her forever (sounds familiar?), It’s like whoa — you can do that? Whatever, he’s all hemmed up now. I’m free.
One more thing — whatever you feel is okay. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be pissed as hell, it’s okay to have bad thoughts, and if you feel love still, that’s okay, too. And it’s okay to feel just plain weird. I’m tired of people telling us how we’re supposed to feel and act. And for how long we’ll feel that way. It is what it is.
You never know until it happens. You just never know. I’m still surprised by my own emotions — or lack thereof. ha!
Just Me With,
Wow, your comment was inspiring and beautiful all the same. I can’t wait to check out the posts you shared. Thanks so much for sharing your story here. So much of your comment resonated with me, I don’t even know where to start. It sounds like you’ve been through a tough time (what a terrible way to find out this news!!) but you’ve come out strong.
“My (ex) husband married someone — promised to love her forever (sounds familiar?), It’s like whoa — you can do that?”
Ha exactly! It’s a little surreal. Hard to think about that role you held being replaced with someone else.
“I’m tired of people telling us how we’re supposed to feel and act. And for how long we’ll feel that way. It is what it is.” RIGHT ON! Damn. You need to guest post for me because you have a way with words. I really couldn’t agree more with this statement.
Thanks again for your comment 🙂
I think that if you’re a good person at heart, you really do want your ex-significant other to be happy.
At the same time, sometimes it’d be nice if you could find happiness before they find happiness, s’all. 😉
Re: your second part: EXACTLY!! Glad you hear where I’m coming from…well, especially since I ran some of this by you before I wrote it. Remember your advice that I don’t let on it bothers me? Yeah, guess I failed on that front…. LOL 🙂
This was a really personal and post. Thank you for sharing such painful emotions.
One word of advice drop him and the fiancée from Facebook. You are just setting yourself up for pain. Neither of them are your friends and it won’t help you move on with your life by seeing regular updates of their lives.
You will find love simply because you were brave enough to choose you and leave him. You love yourself enough to know that you are deserving of good love!!
Thanks, Sudelicious! Particularly liked this part of your comment: You will find love simply because you were brave enough to choose you and leave him. That means a lot to me and I believe it to be true!
Hi Catherine. I’m your cousin in law, Anthony’s wife. I also blog. I saw your Mom post about your blog on FB. This is a hard thing to go through. Luckily I ended up hating my ex & realizing that I was better off without him. I met Anthony 7-9 months after my ex & I broke up & we’ve been together for almost 9 years. I’m sure you will meet someone who will treat you good & make you happy.
Hi Kim! Thanks for commenting – didn’t know you blogged too, I’ll have to check it out! Glad to hear that things are going well with Anthony … since he’s family, I’d have to beat him up if he didn’t treat you well 🙂
I know exactly how you feel and I am glad you are not sugar coating the hurt and anger that is expected in this type of situation. I often questioned myself too and thought maybe it was me why after 10 years and a child he could meet someone and be engaged in 7 months. It was a slap in the face and a stab to my heart. But like you there was a lot to be changed about my ex and though I was hurt to hear of his engagement and also through a 3rd party, I did not fight for another chance to save my family. I knew that I was stronger than heartache and that I deserved better than what he could offer me. Cheers to you- SuperWoman! You are super because most woman act like the pain doesn’t hurt but it does and you can only take one day at a time to help it heal.
Ena,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve been through quite a bit, but that you are so much stronger for it. I think you make a good point here – it can hurt when you hear this kind of news, it can make you doubt and bring you sadness, but those feelings don’t take away from the fact that you are better off and deserve better. And from what you’ve said in the past about your new fellow, you have found someone who appreciates you the way you deserve 🙂
Wow, Catherine… I admire you so much! I can’t image how hard that must have been to find out, but I see that you are on your way to become an even more awesome person. And I also believe that all these struggles we go through when dating, are just to make us appreciate that one guy who will never hurt us and who will truly be worthy of our love.
❤
“All these struggles we go through when dating, are just to make us appreciate that one guy who will never hurt us and who will truly be worthy of our love”
Beautiful…and hope it’s true 🙂 Thanks for your kind comment.
It sucks when people that hurt you find a way to be happy or successful as if it didn’t phase them at all. All you ever want is for them to suffer and lament and wonder “what have I done?” But that isn’t how the world works. Accept that somedays you are the pigeon and somedays you are the statue. Besides, sounds trite, but the best revenge is living well. Good post!
Nick,
“WHAT HAVE I DONE???!!!” I want every person who has ever wronged me to say this, half sobbing/half yelling, in the pouring rain outside of my house while I refuse to talk to them or even admit they are alive. Like a VERY dramatic movie. Clearly that’s not how life works. So I’m gonna have to get over this little fantasy 🙂
“The best revenge is living well.” So true. And I think we’re living pretty well..what do you thinK?
You’ll find it. I’m not worried about you. Not one little bit.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Katie. I’m only slightly worried. Which is very good considering my pessimism. Ha!
And damn it – I still can’t get to your site. I miss Domestiphobia soooo much!!! Will you sign me up for an email subscription? That way it can go straight to my phone. simplysoloblog@gmail.com I would sign up myslef…but thing is….I can’t get to the site. 😦
I can so relate to your feelings. Big hugs to you. I so feel for you right now!!!
Thank you so much Stacia! Glad I’m not alone 🙂
Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl… I can relate. We all can. The good in you wants to be happy for him, be the better person and love him… the hurt in you still wants to be his answer, the one he was sooo excited to plan a future with at one point. It sucks!!! My ex actually texted me on Valentine’s Day saying it’s weird to have a partner that doesn’t know him at all, that I know him better than anyone on the planet… blah, blah, blah. So we have this big heart to heart where I basically have to talk him back into his relationship (really Mand, really????) and then a week later he feels guilty for the conversation cause he’s MARRIED and pretends you don’t exist anymore. It’s pretty nuts what the heart is capable of… the places it brings us back to…
But I trust, Miss Catherine, that when we completely let go– we’ve both had those days where the planets align & you can feel the best version of yourself shining through & you feel unstoppable– that opportunity opens the doors to new love. Like Katie said, I know you’ll find it. And I pray we both choose to have the strength that always sides with moving forward– every day!!! You deserve, pretty lady. We both do– REALLY. 🙂
Mandi,
Wow I can’t even imagine having the conversation you had with your ex. I feel like that would mess up my emotions and feelings so much that I wouldn’t know which end is up! I don’t know how you deal with that… but if it bothers you half as much as it bothers me, I hope you consider not talking with him anymore. Just like looking at my ex and Tina’s relationship status on Facebook isn’t getting me anywhere (anywhere good anyway), I can’t imagine talking with your ex is getting you anywhere good either. But you didn’t ask for my advice, did you? LOL 🙂
I know you deserve it too, by the way. You have such a warm spirit and seem like such a wonderful person. We just both need to be patient…and stop letting others get us down!!
I am Thankful,
I am thankful you have found him to be a liar
I am thankful you are not going to be the one wondering where he is when he repeats his past.
I am Thankful you do not have children and I do not have grandchildren that will suffer in the future when he repeats his past actions.
I am thankful you have found your voice.
I am thankful you have shared you pain to help others.
I am thankful for the woman you have become.
I am thankful you are my daughter.
Love
Mom
This brought tears to my eyes. How incredibly sweet and lovely.
See, Catherine, you are blessed! What a beautiful mom you have!
Isn’t she amazing?? 🙂 Thanks, Larissa.
Mom,
Your comment seriously brought tears to my eyes. I told you this on the phone but it was so beautiful and I am so lucky to have you in my corner. Thank you for being a wonderful mother and always being there for me. You are the absolute best.
I imagine myself to be the kind of Mom you have — nurturing, forgiving, encouraging, and staying back painfully to let you sort things out. I don’t want my daughter to go through something like this, though– or I’ll end up being asked to star in an episode of Monster-in-laws.
So please give my hugs to your mother for knowing when to keep her cool and letting her great daughter move on and shine through the debris, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Your gift of strength and self-esteem is needed for those out there who cannot even start to plan their life after a man leaves them. Through our blogs, we can spread the happy pill. A hug from me on the other side of the world. 🙂
You should feel good that you’re being such a good person about this. You still want him to be happy, even if it’s not with you. What goes around comes around so I know you will eventually find someone. You deserve it.
WestSide,
Thanks so much. Sometimes I feel guilty even having some of these feelings of anger/jealousy/sadness, but really, the minute I get myself past those feelings I do hope he’s happy. That feeling is stronger than the others, I think. I didn’t think I’d ever get here. Only took two years, LOL 🙂
Your blog is inspirational…inspiring to those of us who are going thru now what you went thru 2 years ago. Your words make me realize I am not alone …my engagement just broke off. I can not even imagine the complex emotions you are feeling 2 years later, but this reflective blog is so telling of the person you are. You deserve and definitely will find someone who appreciates you.
Thank you, Saachi. I”m sorry to hear about your broken engagement – that’s incredibly tough. I hope you are doing ok. And thanks for reading and commenting. I’m so glad my blog has helped you – you certainly aren’t alone. If you look at my How To Cancel A Wedding post you’ll see tons of girls who have cancelled their weddings. It’s nice we have a place to connect.
Take care of yourself 🙂
I am thankful for your mom’s comment.
As you know, my situation was similar. My ex is the one who wronged me, and she’s the one who remarried again, news that blindsided me. But I kind of feel like I’m getting the last laugh now.
And you will, too. You’re too good of a person not to find your own happy ending. So what if it comes a little later than his? It’ll be worth the wait!
Mark,
You are so right. And from watching your blissful happiness, I KNOW you’re getting the last laugh. I can’t imagine you were half as happy with your ex.
Your “it’ll be worth the wait” is reasonable … but I hate waiting! 🙂 I know you’re right. Blah. But I think I need to redefine my ending. The ending doesn’t have to mean wedding bells. What I’m feeling now might be an ending in itself. I’m pretty happy sans wedding bells and babies.
You really do need to block them both on Facebook. It’s not healthy to have instant access to people who cause you pain. Part of being the bigger person is knowing when to completely walk away.
People do change, but only if they want to. You’ve changed since you started writing this. However, if he has/can/will change isn’t your problem anymore. It’s hers. Be thankful for that.
Claudia,
You are so right on Facebook. This is a lesson that I’ve learned…and I am still learning. Defriending was hard, but I never went to the blocking. “It’s not healthy to have access to people who cause you pain.” I couldn’t have said it any better myself. But somehow, there’s a part of some of us that know things will hurt us but want to know anyway (information is power, blah blah blah). It’s pretty unhealthy and probably never results in anything positive. So I’m working on it. And you’re right. It’s certainly not my problem. I’m really at a place where I’m happy it’s not my problem – and sincerely hoping for his happiness. For me, that’s a step in the right direction.
🙂
Blocking my ex was the best thing I ever did. Sometimes I want to unblock just to see, but I end up stopping myself. He’s too concerned with how other people see him to post anything about being miserable, so I wouldn’t get a bit of evil giddiness out of it. It would just make me hurt and/or angry and he’s done enough of that already.
I think it’s great that you keep stopping yourself. No good will come from it. Trust me!
(and most everyone puts this fake front on FB like their lives are perfect. Not much you can learn from FB anyway!
As so many people have already pointed out, i love how honest you are about your sharing exactly what you are feeling. .. I think that is why we all have become so invested in reading your blog.. because you are RAW, you say exactly how it is, the exact pain that we have experienced, the exact stabbing sensation we have felt when we find out news like that, we have cried those tears too, and you are honest enough to write about it and share it with the world.. i love it.
And i side with you on the fact that i dont think people change… So it should bring you comfort to know that whatever asshole qualities he has to have made you leave him, she is most likely dealing with (or not dealing with, because she doesnt know about them, .. Yet, but she will)
You will find your happy ever after, and when you do it will be that much more happier knowing what you’ve been through to get you there. You will deserve it that much more, and you will be able to apprecitate it with a much higher level..
Jes,
I really believe you are right – that when I do find my “happily ever after” (or the more realistic version of this), it’s going to be so much more meaningful because of this journey. Really, my whole life feels more meaningful because of this journey. I never knew what I was capable of until I was challenged in this way. And for that, I’m incredibly lucky.
Thanks for your kind words about the blog. It means a lot to me that you took the time to say this. It’s comments like yours that make me feel like what I’m doing here is meaningful. Because really, sometimes it’s exhausting putting myself out here like this. Luckily, these “hard” posts are less and less frequent and my life is looking more positive these days. It’s all a process 🙂
Catherine, its been quite some time since I followed your blog, but I saw it in my box and thought I might read it. Well, I have to say, I have many many thoughts on everything I read and definitely some strong opinions.
First off its always a tragedy when a relationship becomes broken, no one ever walks away a winner. The fact that a relationship becomes broken is indicative of something much deeper. In your case, your knight in shining armour lacked transparency about his own failings, not to mention having a wandering heart. But, take heart in this fact, once you caught wind of this you did the wise thing and withdrew from forever with him. That takes courage and strength. Imagine how marriage would have been not knowing what you know now, shortlived and tragic.
Now concerning where you are, you really do need to move forward. While that may feel like an eternity to accomplish, you can heal and heal without scars. The choice to move forward has always been yours.
I was just thinking on something I heard recently concerning emotions. Emotions are thoughts, the speaker stated. So the conclusion is that when one controls their thoughts they hold captive their very emotions. Powerful, considering that while you may feel you’re world is flying apart or flying high, its really just going on between you’re two ears.
Remember the airport scene in Jerry Maguire how Renee Z’s character was bummed at seeing another couple embrace lovingly and she felt lonely. Was the happy couple bummed for all the lonely people in the airport? HEAVEN’S, NO! They were too busy making out!;o)
But, consider this story, and maybe you’ve heard this one. There is an account of a Jewish man who witnessed the murder of his wife and children at the hands of Nazis. He stated that in that moment, he had the choice to hate these men for what they did and be consumed by that. Or, he could choose to forgive them and be happy with himself inspite of his circumstances. He chose the latter and went on to survive his circumstances, live in freedom, remarry, raise children, and lead a fullfilling life:o)
My cry to all this, live free and choose this day to be your very best. No one has more power in that, than you the individual. The Lord made each and everyone of us in his image, and the power of choice over all circumstances is a integral part of that. Know who made you and you will know who you are.
Just a note about me, I am married and am dealing with a wife who has chosen adultery. Does that fact keep me from being happy, not one iota:o) I daily choose to be happy:o)
Thanks Thaddeus, and I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been going through personally. That sounds tough.
I agree with you completely and have often given this advice. But for me, choosing to be happy doesn’t mean that I need to be in denial of my emotions. Yes, this got me down for about a week. Did it take away 100% of my happiness? Not at all. The week also had some really high points. This news simply dampered one week of my life. And the next week felt wonderful. Having one dampered week doesn’t make me weak or failed in my pursuit of happiness. I really believe in doing things every day to make yourself happy – if you can’t own your own happiness, no one else will. And this is especially important when going through tough times.
I appreciate the story – I think we are closer in our perspective on this than you may think. I just also think that writing about these emotions are a part of my future happiness. Getting them out, possibly helping someone else going through something similar, is my way of processing and moving on. Different strokes for different folks, I guess 🙂
As to Facebook, you can always simply remove them from your news feed. But I would definitely consider defriending them both if seeing this is causing you pain.
And remember… this too shall pass.
Agreed on the defriending – that’s a great piece of advice for anyone going through a breakup. I did that many months ago and it made a big difference. This was more of a fluke Facebook discovery. But you are right – this too shall pass. And I have to tell you that by the time I pressed publish on this, I felt much better. But I still felt it was worth sharing for anyone going through anything similar.
Oh, definitely. I always enjoy reading!
No need to know about your ex-bf, ex-fiance’s whereabouts. You think he’s interested in much about your life right now??
It was 1 phase of your life. Honour the lessons that you have learned and move on to ….other blogging topics. I know you’re trying and give yourself time to let time allow you to forget.
Jean,
Thanks for the comment. I agree with you, I don’t think he cares that much about me. This isn’t a competition though and that isn’t the point of this post. I’m not trying to force myself into his conciousness and I’m not trying to dwell. What I’m trying to do is chronicle a journey. This is what my blog is about. Like yours is about your adventures cycling. The premise of this blog was to write about getting over a heartbreak and moving on. This is all part of the process. Not writing about stuff like this is disingenuous to the core purpose of this blog. That’d be like me telling you to stop writing about cycling. It’s the subject of your blog. I’m not saying this is all I should write about – and look through blog topics, and he is hardly what I talk about anymore. But, this is an important part of the journey that I promised to chronicle when I started this blog. So I don’t feel bad for writing about it. Now am I looking for ways to transition the blog? Absolutely. So your point is well taken. If I wrote about this stuff every day, someone should shoot me 🙂
This post made me cry. How truly touching to see you process this painful event with courage, strength, and the right amount of vulnerability.
I was never engaged, but just seeing someone I loved move on to the next woman who he will love is treacherous enough, so I can only imagine your agony. Thank you for sharing with us your pain and your triumph over it.
Give yourself a medal! Or some really good chocolate! =) Celebrate surviving this, because it isn’t easy. And we all want you to be deliriously happy too.
xoxoxo
Thanks, Larissa. I’m glad to hear that you understand… makes me feel less alone for feeling this way, even if I have moved on. I often feel guilt about being upset about these things, because I feel like it makes me weak or like I’m dwelling on the past (like Karen’s comment). But in the big picture of things, I was down for about a week over this. I still went to work. I ate. I took care of myself. I laughed. I cried some. I spent time with family and friends. I didn’t talk about it all day every day. It didn’t consume me – it just upset me. And then I got over it. I think that’s human and I think it’s mature. I’m definitely focusing on celebrating my future. 🙂
Also, I second the motion to delete them on facebook and all other social media. It takes a lot of effort, but you simply cannot have access to that much information about them. Block, delete, and practice self-control. Don’t throw vinegar on the wound.
=)
This is true – and it’s hard. I’ve definitely unfriended them (months and months ago), but on Facebook, information has a way of making it to you whether you expect it or not. After this experience, I want to be much more diligent about not letting these two individuals into my life 🙂
Catherine, it´s so sad to read that you are still living in the past…I used to love your blog but don´t you think it´s time to make a pause? Stop blogging, start living I wish you to be happy, but stalking your ex FB account is really unhealthy thing to do. Yes, he cheated, yes, he violated your trust, he lied, ho broke your heart…But maybe it´s time to let it all go…
Thanks, Karen. I appreciate your honest comment. But I would tell you that I am in no way living in the past. I am moving through the emotions of an ex moving on, and this is simply part of that process. As I see in many of the comments here, I’m not the only one who has struggled when an ex got married or moved on in a significant way. Admitting that it sucks doesn’t mean that I’m living in the past or that I’m not living my own life. I’m simply admitting that it hurt and sharing it openly so that others won’t feel so alone if they are going through something similar. I think if you look through all the blog posts I’ve written, especially in the past year, I’m very much looking forward and living my life. But, I use this blog as an outlet to share both the good and tough times, in hopes that my journey will help others. I can’t feel ashamed that sometimes it still hurts and that milestones such as these are tough. Granted, if I didn’t have a blog, I wouldn’t share these feelings so openly – but I do, and that’s what I’ve committed to do here. The thing is, even if I didn’t have a blog, I’d still have these feelings. So why not share them in hopes that maybe someone else is helped? And hearing from all my readers helps me too.
Now the FB stalking.. you are right on the money. LOL. I think that’s something MANY of us have struggled with 🙂
Catherine, you’re a true inspiration. I’ve been through some tough break ups, and my best friend is going through almost the same situation as you are, and when she has a problem that I can’t answer; I refer to your blog.
You are a wonderful person and I look forward to following your journey. It’s so nice to hear that someone else is experiencing the same thoughts, feelings, craziness.
❤ thank you.
Thank you Shannon! I appreciate the kind comment and nothing makes me happier than my blog helping people. You (and your friend) are exactly why I continue this blog. Appreciate it and good luck to you!!
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. Just tonight found out my ex was engaged. We spent 11 years of our lives together and almost half of that was dating. So many of the emotions I’m feeling you shared in this blog. Brings a little comfort to know that I’m not crazy with some of these feelings and that after a year they can resurface. I knew I was going to hear it someday…just didn’t expect it to be so soon. Thanks for sharing!
Laura,
Thanks for your comment and I’m hoping you are feeling better. This news does suck in kind of a weird way. People are certainly allowed to move on, it’s expected, but it still hurts and can dredge up old feelings. Your comment makes me feel less alone too 🙂
“Now am I looking for ways to transition the blog? Absolutely. So your point is well taken.”
My personal blog is not exclusively at all about cycling, Catherine. If people wander around on the blog, only less than 50% of the posts even suggest cycling in the content/photos. Rest is on art, culture, food and history. The latest blog post would probably surprise readers who don’t know me. But actually the wording and my selection of the (71 yr. old) singer..is really me in spirit for what I believe: social justice. It’s a whole facet of myself that will come through over time. (I am a child of the civil rights movement..)
I just use the metaphor of cycling as a vehicle to take a person along for a ride in life’s journey. It’s to hold the whole blog together and provide a running thread to join seemingly disparate topics.
Once you become married/engaged to your love, the blog might need a different tagline: Maybe simply solo has a secondary tag line to the blog’s title: “yet joined in journey with love”. 🙂
Wow, it’s like you ar ereading my mind. My ex is not getting married yet but he is moving on. and like you said in your post I also want my ex to be happy. I taught I was the one but I guess I was his training wheel relationship. I love that phrase. I’m gonna have to tell him one day. Maybe if the timing had been different I would be “the one”, but it wasn’t and I can’t change things. I love him more than I had loved anyone. He was my life. He was my everything. Thank you for creating this blog. It is helping me just like it is helping you.
Thanks so much for your comment Evelin and I’m really glad to hear my blog is helping you. Take care of yourself – you’ll get through this time. And it sound likes you already have good perspective!
Hi,
I dunno if my comment will be welcomed here but I need to get it out of my system before I went crazy. I am happily attached to a wonderful guy for about 2 years. He is my best friend n someone whom I always turn to for but I always feel something is lacking between us. I don’t feel the “chemistry” or the close, intimacy feeling that I thought is common among couples. I refused to admit it but I think it has everything to do with my ex. I have broken up with my ex 5 years ago and I tried very hard to cut off my contact with him (hard because he is still in my inner circle with a group of friends). I even have to add my ex back onto my facebook 3 times because I deleted him every single time when memories flood back. Anyway, just when I thought I had truly moved on, news of my ex getting married hit me like a truck. I was at work too and got to know about it through my sister who was actually invited to the wedding. Anyway, I found myself going back to how we first broke up 5 years ago. Painful and bleeding from the heart. I have already avoided talking to him and only meet up at group outings (so that I don’t have to talk to him) but my heart somehow can’t let it go. I don’t understand why. In addition, the guilty and feelings of confusion towards my current boyfriend set in, which added to the agony.
I know that my ex and I could never be together because he cheated on me once and I couldn’t trust him anymore. Of course, like any other woman, bad and painful memories of him start to fade and I only remember how well we used to connect with each other like soul-mates. I truly love him then and was devastated that I am nothing but a sex tool to him. Or at least, that’s what i chose to believe so I could gather enough anger to cut him off. I got upset whenever I heard about milestones of him moving on eg., found a gf, happily attached, getting married, etc. Most friends said that why I could not really move on because I do not have the much-needed closure i.e., the 1 to 1 talk with your exes and find out why you 2 really can’t work things out between u 2. I thought about it and decided that I will give it a shot at talking to him 1 to 1 after 5 years. I msn him one night and we talked for 3 hours plus. I admitted that I felt good confiding in him about my pent-up frustrations & feelings initially but after a while, I felt sorry for myself that he has moved on & yet, I was left behind.
Then I went into this whole process of doubting myself and my love for my boyfriend. I imagined breaking up with him and going back to my ex. I actually panicked and didn’t want that to happen either. Then at the same time, my ex and I started to chat through whatsapp because he sees my honesty with him as a sign of reconciliation to start being a friend. However, when he stopped contacting me for a few days, I start to wonder why and have to resist the urge of texting him to find out how he is. Anyway, I think I have to live with the fact that I may not be able to truly let go but in order to focus on my current relationship, I have decided to avoid him again, even at the expense of not meeting up with my other friends ( I kept giving excuses to them to avoid arousing suspicions). It may not be the best solution but at least I think this is the fastest way to re-establish peace in my heart. Do you agree? By the way, I know very well that he no longer harbours any feelings for me and I have no intention of getting back with him. Just wish that I knew what to do with this stubborn emotions of mine.
Thanks.
God. I love you! I mean, you Catherine! You wrote this thing so…precise. Precisely how I felt when my very first love broke the most fragile part of me. I seriously nearly teared up while reading lines such as “I was nothing but his relationship training wheels..” and ” He was mine. He was going to marry me. We were supposed to spend our lives together. He got down on one knee and proposed to me on that rainy October day. And suddenly, he is marrying someone else.” I somewhat felt the pain…
Hopefully you’ll FULLY recover from whatever pain (or other “unhappy” feelings) you still feel after years of being heartbroken.
Much aloha -Lovely
Lovely,
Thanks so much for the kind comment. I’m glad this post (which honestly, was really hard to write) was able to touch someone else’s heart. I really appreciate your taking the time to comment.
This is coming from a guy who accidentally stumbled onto this page….
1) you write incredibly well and your words delivers the intensity of the thoughts and emotions felt.
2) My engagement was called off, my ex cheated on me twice.. I do get your pain.
3) Good luck to u…
4) I didn’t mean to make a list. Maybe its a guy thing..
Thanks for sharing, Tyler.
I’m sorry to hear about your broken engagement. Ouch. Good reminder that men aren’t the only bad people in relationships 🙂
Good luck to you too. Your lists are always welcome here. 🙂
Funny you should write this as my ex just got married last month. We have mutual friends on facebook and one decided they would be so nice to share the picture of my beautiful children with their new step…… and my ex. I was so delighted to see that as you can imagine. But, funny thing is it didn’t bother me to see him with someone else and looking happy, what bothered me was seeing my children in that situation. My babies that I faught like hell and was in and out of hospitals and surgeries to bring them into this world. However, it did feel a little strange to know that he was now remarried and he was now someone else’s problem.
He had to tell me he was getting married because we have children. I know your ex told you he would tell you, but in a way I see this as possibly a good thing that he didn’t reach out to you and without knowing the whole story, maybe that he is changing and doing the right thing by his new fiance. I mean by reaching out to you that would be a good thing and it would be repeating the habits that he did back in the past when he was with you.l I’m sure he didn’t want to cause pain for you by reaching out to you. That’s just my take.
Thanks for giving your perspective, 2NewBeginnings. I honestly don’t know why he didn’t reach out to me but I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’m happy to know, as you said, that he’s now someone else’s problem 🙂
Thanks for sharing!
We share similar stories, as I am sure you have heard many times! I was with my ex boyfriend for 7 years. We were 20 when we started dating and went thru so much together. The Last 2 years of our relationship was difficult! I felt we were at a dead end with no committment, on his part, in sight! Committment Phobic!! We have been split up now for 3 years and getting over him is the hardest thing I have ever done!! He broke me! I have not been able to find myself again since we split!
About a year ago I started getting better, started thinking of him less and less. Although, I have found it too difficult to open up and be in another relationship since. I know that he has had 4 girlfriends since me. This made me think.. nothing has changed.. he is unable to committ and grow up! THEN…. I just found out a few months ago that he is now engaged to a girl he has been with for A YEAR!! I CANT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE HURT IN MY HEART!!! Like you said, It opened up every woulnd I thought had already healed!
I KNOW that he and I should not be together.. too much water under the bridge! Though, it does not change the hurt and pain I feel. It has made me question the 7 years we were together. I question where did the time go? I wasted 7 years and the most part of my 20s on him and now I feel I am still hindered by it all.
He caused so much hurt in my heart and all in all is a hurtful person and HE IS the one happily moving on while I am the one stuck in this hole, struggling to dig my way out!
I can relate in your story and hope the best for you!!
Bridgette,
Wow, I feel for you. Such a similar story and I know the pain you are feeling. Just like you healed before, you will heal again. Trust me. I’m feeling so much better since I wrote this post. And you will too.
Take care
Today I am sitting behind this desk at work, wishing that i could be at home with the duvet pulled over my head and being able to cry. And here i thought my previous Monday mornings were bad! Anyway, been divorced for 2 years, ex husband and I were (am) friendly. Untill 6 months ago i knew he was definately still single and made the big song/dance about never falling in love again. We still share the same medical aid, and this morning i walked into pharmacy picking up a prescription to…..wait for it…. hormone pills for start of early menopause. Already not happy about this, as if a vintage label could be stamped on me. The lady at pharmacy asked my initials since there are a new member with his surname added to the scheme – his new wife. I didnt expect it would feel this way….
Wow Anny, that’s tough. I wouldn’t even know how to handle that, it must haven surprising but not in a good way. I hope you are doing OK since you commented… Please take care of yourself during this time. I know it’s tough. But here I am writing a few months later, and I feel so much better about the whole situation. I know you will too.
I just found out my ex is getting married this Saturday…I found out from my sister from Facebook!….wow…I’m so shocked, confused, hurt…..this man I was deeply in love with for ten years…..we were engaged then he broke it off and said he would never get married….well, I discovered he was cheating on me, he left, and moved to his own place and shortly after that moved the one he was cheating with in with him…that was about two years ago…so now they are getting married….I’m so confused and don’t know what to do….I pray that God helps me to move on and help me to make this person a faded memory….I hurt for too long and don’t deserve to hurt anymore….Lord please remove this man from my thoughts, my mind…..help me move on in the name of Jesus….amen
Msmar,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’m sure the day of his wedding was really hard. I just told another commenter, I’m so happy to not know the date. I don’t have the opportunity to conciously think about it. Please just focus on the fact that you can, and will, do better. He cheated on you with her. Let him marry her. YOU deserve better than someone who will cheat on you. Take care of yourself and give it time. Sending positive thoughts your way!
The love of my life is getting married on July 21st to another woman. I thought jumping off a bridge would be a great activity for that day since I felt like I couldn’t go on knowing he had officially moved on. Instead I’m throwing myself a HUGE un-wedding on the day of his wedding. There will be cake, alcohol a ceremony, everyone will wear their craziest/favorite outfit and we will celebrate me not being married and having some horrible cliche wedding like his will be (the engagement photos are so tacky that I can’t imagine what the wedding will look like), Reading this entry really brought me a lot of peace in a dark time and inspired me. Thank you for sharing your experience and being so honest. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only girl going through this.
Mandy,
That really sucks. I”m so happy I don’t know their wedding day or any details of their lives. I don’t want to have a date to be upset on. While it’s sad to think of someone you loved moving on, in a way, there is some closure here. This gives me the permission to move on, almost. Because he is. I don’t really think that intellectually, but somehow emotionally, maybe I do.
I hope you have a lot of fun at your party. And I know there are lots of people that are happy to be celebrating with you on that day instead of being sad because you jumped off a bridge :). You will be able to find better. Good luck to you.
If I werent in front of my parents right now, Id be bawling. And, I bet if I read the comments before posting my own, I would find out that many people share my sentiments.
Two years ago this month, I broke of my engagement to my boyfriend of 8 years. He moved on to the city I always wanted to live in, and met a girl he is taking many adventures with. I pray he has changed because I am sure that she is probably too good for him, though I dont know her. But it still stings a little…you know, the whole he’s moved on part. No, not that, actually, the whole “I have a crap ton of baggage, thanks to you, and off you go backpacking while I cant even lug around my baggae with the help of my current boyfriend….
Can’t get over my ex getting married as well. Ugh. Even if I already know in my head that we don’t work well together and that I deserve better.
Maybe it’s coz I can’t let it go that it’s not ME anymore. That he’s over me and happy and moving on. Whereas I haven’t.
Don’t even know if I’ll ever be in a relationship again. Can’t seem to shake off the negative thought that no person is worth investing in again. Learned my lesson once. Don’t want to do it again.
Sigh. When will my heart NOT be broken? 18 months and counting.
I need help. And I guess because it’s been so long since the break up, I have too much pride to confide to my family and friends anymore.
My ex is also getting married. It’s hard because suddenly all these damn facebook photos are up on his wall. And then 3 days later he unfriends me. So I guess that says it all. He’s moved on and I’m no longer part of his life.
Good thing too I guess, since he was a major a**hole who cheated on me and tried to win me back at the same time as he was dating this new girl he’s about to marry. Good luck with that. And of course this happened only a few months back. So they’re basically set to get married about 6 months after first dating. When he was still talking to me the first 2 months of that, proposed a month after I turned him down… just a short background on the very messed up things that have happened.
And yet, I’m still affected by the photos and the unfriending. Why?? How??? My head and my emotions aren’t working together.
I haven’t spoken to him since the time that I said NO to starting over again and once I knew that there was another girl, I knew I had made the right decision.
But still, I’m not over things. Again, why?? And how?? How do i get this all out of my system.
It doesn’t help either that I haven’t been able to find someone else to date whereas he’s moved on and getting married. I’m still single and hurting. Not even sure if I would want to be in a relationship again or if I could.
I’ve been trying my best to resolve all of these issues and be happy and single. I’m trying to resist the temptation of jumping into just any relationship for some sort of rebound therapy. It sucks to know that it’s so hard for me to find someone else and be in a relationship again because of all the issues of my past.
HELP!
I just want to be over this. I can’t believe that after all the bad stuff my ex has done, end of the day, I’m still punishing myself and letting him get the best of me by being the one that’s alone with all my baggage and issues. Whereas he’s happy, getting married, and seems a-okay.
Any tips on how to shake this off? Words of wisdom that will snap me out of this?
I was in a relationship for a year and there after he had broke up with me, but it was still this constant conversing going on for a long time. He was awful to me, lied, cheated everything. I was so heartbroken. He had recently gotten engaged, while he was still talking to me. I realized many things however after the break up, during all the pain. One of the most blinding things was I thought he was everything that I wanted in a man, but soon after he left I noticed many flaws. I had stopped talking to him 6 months ago. Cut him off of Facebook, blocked phone, texts and email. It hurt for awhile, but through the whole time I knew I deserved someone great. It took 3 years of pain to finally meet someone new. I met someone and the first time I had met this person I knew he was perfect in every way for me. I had evaluated myself during the 3 years and figured out exactly who I was and what kind of person I should be with. I am quite happy with the new person I talk to. The way he makes me laugh, the way he respects me for everything I do and what makes me who I am, gives me the strength of being a happier person. The best person to be with is one that sacrifices him or herself for the happiness of others. If they love you and will always take care of you, then never take them for granted. I have not forgiven my ex for what he had done to me and the pain he had left me. I figure one day in my own terms I will. For me karma does exist, and I know that he too one day will go through much worse pain then he put me through and at that time I will be the most happiest person. The best advice I can give anyone is always believe no matter what happens, you will always stay a good person and be steadfast with your beliefs. All this pain in life is a trial to see how much you end up molding. Everything happens for good reasons. I had hurt someone in college,learned from my mistakes, met someone who very much hurt me, and now I’m content with the person I have become. I will be engaged soon and all I can think is I’m glad my ex left me because divorce would have been much more painful.
Tina – Thank you so much for sharing your story and offering advice to Tess. I totally agree with your advice – especially that everything happens for good reasons. It really does. Even if you don’t see them right now.
Tess – I hope that you are seeing this and I’m sorry for my delay in replying. This comment got a little lost in the shuffle. I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling. I personally think that’s it’s totally normal to be feeling the way you are. Seeing someone you loved, someone who have unresolved issues with and who hurt you very much, can be painful. I imagine you have conflicting emotions – happy to be away from him because you know he wasn’t good for you, yet somehow sad and jealous of this new girl. I felt a lot of those things too. You just need to know that it’s all part of the process. And as Tina said, everything happens for a reason. That reason may not be evident right now. To heal, I would just focus on yourself. Try your hardest not to pay too much attention to his relationship progress or compare yourself to him. Could his love with this girl be true if he’s already shown that he isn’t capable of the kind of love a woman really deserves? The reason you haven’t moved on is because you aren’t ready yet. You don’t have to keep up with him or anyone else. Focus on healing yourself, that way the next time you get in a relationship, you’ll be ready for it. And you’ll be able to better pick a guy that’s good for you. Spend time with your friends and family, find hobbies and activities that make you feel good, and only start dating when you are ready. Remind yourself – daily, hourly, however often you need to – that you deserve better. And you will get better. I promise.
Here’s some more advice from an older post: https://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/breakup-prescription/
Take care.
This was exactly what I needed today…My ex girlfriend of 3 years and I broke up a little over two years ago, but we still lived together afterwards with my best friend. Long story short, not long afterwards she got pregnant with his baby and the gut wrenching feeling takes forever to go away. Today I found out baby number two is on the way…and their due date is my birthday, ironic? Its was like somebody ripped the scab off again and held a match to it. I know it’ll go away again in time, but reading this helped me feel empowered again and reminded me that it will get better in time, and someday I’ll have that happiness too. Thanks for helping me realize that.
Ryan,
Wow that sounds like it sucks. You didn’t ask for my advice, but do whatever you can to try and make it so you don’t have to stare at their lives. If you are finding this out on Facebook, I would consider defriending. The feeling of someone ripping off the scab again probably happens every time she posts something, every time you learn something about her from a friend. I’m still working on this myself…. but I know that when I do well not worrying about his life, my life and my mood improves. Now I just need to stick to it.
Hi, I just found out my ex had a 1yo kid. Didn’t even know he got married, found out cuz his ‘kid’ added me on Facebook so I’m currently fighting my own ghost and stumbled upon your post. I left for New Zealand 6 years ago due to family migration, he was suppose to wait for me but 6months down the line he became cold and distant (I only found out 2 years later that he cheated on me -and it wasn’t the 1st time). So I never left NZ because of the break up (he didn’t want to, but I couldn’t live with him after what he did. Was suppose to return after graduation). There was a lot of crying back then, I never really got over it even though I’m currently in another relationship (maybe I have but right now I’m so not feeling it). Seeing pictures of the girl, all I can think of is how much I hate her though we have never met. At times I still think and dream of him, not often, but the burn resurfaced in full force. The only bright side is, its not the same girl he cheated with when we were together. Hope tomorrow will be a better day.
That’s tough Yvonne. Tomorrow will be a better day. And really, let her have him. He’s a cheater and will always be a cheater. You don’ tneed that in your life. I know it’s hard though, but it’ll get better.
i’m sure like most of everyone else that commented , i stumbled upon this page when i googled “my ex got married”. we broke up 2 years ago but we never lost touch, we celebrate our birthdays together even some hollidays. i dated people so did he but we always end up talking again and trying to rekindle what we had. i must say that i broke up with him.i hated the fact that he had no ambitions, no goals in life. i am not that type of person and i didn’t want him to be that way. after a lot of talking,i broke up with him. during those 2 years , he always asked me to promise him i’ll be there when he’s ready. in fact the last time we talked about getting back together was 2 months ago, on my birthday. and we were working on that. the irony of it all is that he got married 2 weeks before my birthday. how do i get over that? i found out, he denied it at first once i told him that it is public record. since i found out i cannot function… now i’m watching my world falling apart. we broke up but i never stopped loving him. he got his things togeteher, got a degree and doing great now. i feel like i’ve been robbed. how could he give away everything i’ve been dreaming to have with him? the one thing i’m trying to understand now is why did he come back to me 2 weeks after his marriage why? when i pointed out the fact that we’ve dated other people, how would we feel about that, he said that he is ok with that and he never really loved anybody else. somebody told me that he must have been having buyer’s remorse that night when he took me out after the marriage. i don’t know how to make sense of this, he said he will talk to me but i’m still waiting for that talk to happen. this is too much to bare, i feel like i’m drowning i feel empty and dead. i am not hungry, i am not mad i’m not sleepy i am not tired, no feelings….
Dee,
I wonder if you should talk with someone about all these emotions. This guy sounds like he really messed with your head. If it were meant to be with him, he wouldn’t have married someone else. I think he’s just playing with your emotions and you really deserve someone who recognizes your worth. I hope you can move past him and find someone who deserves you.
Take care of yourself!
I am at work reading this and I almost burst into tears. My ex just got married this past weekend and it was SO painful to see the pictures on Facebook. I have spent the past few days listening to sad songs and wondering why this other woman was able to get what I couldn’t get from him, even though that may not be true. I was the one that broke up with him because he was just not good to me, but I guess I always prayed that he would get it together and realize his mistake. Instead he married someone else and I found myself thinking the very same things, “But I’m not even dating and he’s getting married, that is so unfair.” You would think finding out that he was seeing this girl during our relationship would be enough for me to be done with him, but it doesn’t seem to be that simple and I find myself dealing with emotions that I did not even know that I felt. I stumbled upon this blog looking for breakup songs and I am grateful that you are courageous enough to speak your truth, and mine as well. Thank you for sharing your heart and I pray that you will too have your happily ever after, I pray we all will.
T,
I know you will get your happy ending. Just know that everything happens for a reason. This guy didn’t treat you well and you did the right thing by ending it. Just because he’s married now doesn’t mean he has changed. It just means that some woman is letting him treat her badly. And you don’t deserve that. Take care of yourself, I promise you’ll look back someday and realize it’s for the best. I definitely have.
Wow…I have to commend you on your bravery to publicly open up about your experience and yours feelings with people you don’t know, Bravo! The only way to move past pain is to bring it to the surface and let it out so that you allow new positive energy to come in and help you heal. I recently found out about my ex as well, except I wasn’t at work…I was at dinner with my best friend (whom I hadn’t seen in months) my current boyfriend and his parents. Try hiding that reaction. None the less, everything happens for a reason and will work itself out but thank you for sharing.
Two of Us,
Thanks for reading, commenting and your kind words. Wow, I’d hate to find out that news in front of my new boyfriend! It was tough enough telling my boyfriend about it after the fact. I felt guilty for feeling sad or angry or whatever…but he was really supportive. But I’m glad he wasn’t there to see my face!
Hello Catherine, so glad I came across your website – I will bookmark it and read more as and when I can. Like many others on here, I am struggling to deal with the fact that my ex husband is getting remarried. In my case he is marrying the girl he started an affair with 5 years ago. I say “girl” because she was only 19 at the time! She is now 24 and he is 57!!! This girl made my life hell, it is a long story so I won’t bore you with all the details.
Basically, they both lied through their teeth to me – it was blindingly obvious that something was going on but my husband made out I was the stupid one for believing gossip etc. To cut a very long story short, I divorced him and moved back to the UK with my partner. We are happy together but I still can’t get over the hurt and betrayal caused by my ex-husband. I know it is wrong, but I keep checking Her facebook page to see if there are any updates, and lo and behold a couple of months ago she changed her status to Engaged. There were various messages of congratulation from friends we have in common, which upset me too, because they realise that their relationship caused the breakup in our marriage.
Another mutual friend in the UK has confirmed that they are engaged, so I know it’s not just Her messing around. After all this time I simply cannot understand what he sees in her. Such a massive age gap, and she is not even English. I believe she is using him as a father figure seeing as hers disappeared from her life at an early age. But to actually marry him just does not seem right!
I keep thinking about our own wedding day – it was the best day of our lives. Now I suppose he will have an even better day with her. I don’t know when that day is yet, but I’m sure I will find out. I don’t know how I will be able to function on that day, I will only be able to think of them. I have never despised anyone in my life as much as I despise her and I can’t seem to just forget about it, even though I have physically moved on with my life and have a wonderful partner.
I always get a little extra drama. My ex got married last month ditto about the feelings but… we had an awful breakup and hadn’t spoken in four years. He phoned me last year out of the blue wanting a booty call. I realize that was around the time of his engagement. Good riddance to him, but a part of me is upset because I didn’t realize how much of an ass he was. What a waste of time that was.
My ex was just married this past weekend and I found myself to be a complete mess about the whole thing which is what brought me here. Since it has been 5 yrs since I left him I found myself completely baffled as to why I even give a shit about it. He was a lying, cheating, abusing, disease spreading douche. I always seem to end up telling myself that it is because we have a child together that I feel this way. Because I can never truly seem to be rid of him ,he just keeps coming around every few weeks. The fact that he married the woman I caught him cheating on me with makes it even worse. And the fact that my daughter now has to be around this woman has brought out such anger in me that I truly fear I will be sent straight to hell. I truly thought I was alone in having these kinds of feelings , so let me tell you what a relief & blessing it has been for me to find this & realize that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
You verbalize so eloquently so many of the fears I have, and and feelings I know I will be facing eventually down the road. It takes a great amount of courage to just survive all this, and it helps to feel that I’m not alone on this painful journey of recovery. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head.
wow….discovering this blog was by no means an ACCIDENT it was totally a BLESSING! MY EX and I called off our wedding almost 2yrs ago and I like many others found out at work that he is getting married this upcoming weekend!!! At first it pierced like a knife but after reading you blog I realized that I too served as his training wheels…so UNFAIR!!! THE ISSUE THAT BOTHERS ME THE most is that he has steadily tried to remain in contact with me as well as deny that he is getting married. Most recently he emailed me and stated that he “REALLY MISSED ME AND MY FAMILY” …EXPLAIN THIS PLEASE! Like you stated in you blog it seems so unfair that he gets to move on and be happy leaving me so broken! Did i mention that one of his close relatives contacted me and stated that she would be in town (for the wedding) and look forward to seeing me? I just don’t get it…
Wow… you hit the nail on the head. Due to a gross misunderstanding, my ex and I broke up over a year ago. Almost immediately he was introduced to some girl by his mother, and as one thing led to another, they decided to get married. The sworn bachelor somehow found it in him to get married… and its happening in less than two weeks. And here I am, falling apart because I was “his universe”, even recently he admitted to me that he cares very deeply for me, and has never parted with an ex on good terms but wanted to with me. I’m keeping a brave face… but everything you said about her living your life, is exactly what I am going through, and that I wanted to be happily married before he was! It seems so unfair… I really wonder when the hurt goes away, coz as much as I try, it just doesn’t stop hurting. Thanks for writing this 🙂 Hope you’re real prince charming comes soon, as does mine. HUG
She was the first and only love of my life. It was a beautiful feeling, we were best friends and i fell in love with her. Everything was going good and i thought of proposing her but was scare to lose her and i would be shattered if she said no. So i decided to wait for the right time and continue being best friends. But fate is already written. We had a huge fight and we were not even friends any more. We did not talk to each other for a year ,i was lonely depressed heart broken sad. The world seemed little, life had no excitements left. My heart could not stop crying and loving her. Everyday i woke up, i believed that she will talk to me,give me a call and things would be sorted out. But it did not happen. I called her, left her text but everything was in vein. And meanwhile she was coming close to someone else. Came a day when we finally sorted out things,talked but i came to know she is in a relationship now. I cursed myself, i was angry, my feelings had no place to stay. Had i proposed her before she could have been mine, her hands which i wished to hold forever were in hands of someone else. I was lost. Iwished this was all a bad dream but it wasnt. I couldnt say anything to her but wish all the best for her relationship. She was happy with him and i was happy with her. We started talking once again sharing things and became best friends again. I had no clue what destiny had to offer. I started dating other girls but my heart was always with her. Though i could never say it to her. After one year of relationship she had a break up. She was sad broken and it was time for me to support her to be with her to make her happy as her friend atleast. Time passed and we came more and more close. We enjoyed each others company like always. She was getting over her relationship. My love for her could not end though it wasnt right to say it to her as she did not have love then to give me. She was still searchin for her past her ex somewhere. Days months passed I was happy with her. Everything was going good and came a day when i came to know that she is getting engaged. Her parents saw a guy for her and she liked him too . My life was again going backwards. Clock turned reverse. Things looked ugly. People looked freaks. I coulnt believe she is going to disappear from my life forever. I could imagine her holding her husband’s hand, loving each other, having kids and i was staring at them in my imaginations. I am a fool. I couldnt say my feelings to her. Couldnt say that i loved her more then anyone else in this sore world. Couldnt say that she mean everything to me. Couldnt ask for her hand so that i can love her always and always and keep her happy. I know no one in this world could make her happy love her like me. There could be guys better then me for her but my love for her was the best. I wish something turns out bad and she dont marry. I pray to god every day every minute every second to give me a chance. She was my soul mate. My love. Its hard to see her with someone else. But i always had to. Because i never could saidher that i love her. But i feel she always knew that. I think she never loved me. And now she is getting married. I will keep loving her always and always. I wish her a great life. And yes i finally said her that i love her. It was very late. But something inside me could stop me saying it when she was already getting married. I regret that i could.never disclose my feelings for her otherwise things couls have been different. I wish i could go back to the past and fix everything. But this is the way life is. It gives you good times and bad times at an equal proportion. It gives but it takes more, and now i think of her. I think we will never see each other in life again. Never will talk to each other. And this make me cry. Make me miss her more. I know 10 years from now i will think if she os happy or not but there will be no answers. And i will have to pass whole life in her memories. Yes i will get married eventually but a part of my soul will remain with her forever. And this pain. That she is a past now. We can never meet. This was ending of our journey. This pain will keep reminding me that life is too short to think. If you love someone just say it to her. Whether she agrees or refuse you will not regret whole life for hiding it. And me. I will always love her hands her eyes her hairs her soul until i breathe until i breathe. 😦
Its been two years since my ex left with a younger woman and they are soo happy with their wonderful life, him pouring over her every attention, caring detail he so arrogantly denied me during the years we shared. I overcame depressioh, got my life back and my happiness, but in that part of the heart longing to love and appreciate someone and be loved and appreciated back.. I feel so immensely angry! every day that passes by instead of cooling down I get more angry understanding in the distance the selfish partner I allowed myself to be with, and the unfairness that once he got to the top -with me supporting him- I stopped being fun, just not good enough. In a few words, the arrogant and selfish one got all the prizes and blessings of love, and I have nothing of that; I still cannot overcome the anger of not being in fair equal situtations; This is not what I planted, what I nurtured. I just dont understand it! …Its the first time I comment this on a forum, thank you too for all the stories here so bravely shared.
I broke up with my boyfriend 10 months back. we broke up because he used to lie a lot and had major commitment issues. Hes getting engaged to this girl he started seeing after we broke up (i feel he was chatting her up while we were still seeing each other). I felt bad when I first got to know about the engagement. But i released that our relationship was doomed to fail from the start. And the fact that he moved on to another person doesn’t mean that hes a changed person (especially the lying), he is still the same person with the same mistakes. The only difference is that someone else is putting up with his behavior. I don’t think a person can change in such a short period of time. Whether hes a better person or not is not the question, its the fact that he not the one for me. All i know is that if i had ended up with him, i would have been very miserable. So now i think of this as an indication that there is something better in store for me in life. The only regret i have is that i wasted my precious time on him but i will learn to get over that and move on. Always remember – You deserve better and never settle for less.
You literally just read my own heart and put it on this page. I found you through google. Same situation here except my ex is actually married now. I’m so hurt i can’t breathe. Thanks for this post
Sobbing like a baby
So, I take it I’m not alone 🙂 How did we all end up with the same story? And does it ever get any easier. I actually married the guy in question, but he started cheating about a year before we separated. But before he told me he wanted a divorce, he spent over half our savings on new stuff that he ended up keeping because I didn’t want to fight about money while my heart lay crushed on the floor. Now, just a year later, he’s engaged to the woman who left her husband for him. They live in my home town (where he would never live with me), he proposed to her exactly the way he proposed to me and it sounds like the wedding and honeymoon plans are just attempt number 2 at happiness. I just, I gave him everything. And I know it takes 2 to have a bad marriage, but ours wasn’t bad. He just, moved on. I supported him, loved him, paid for his college, moved from the midwest to NYC for his job and then, he dumped me there on my own and moved in with this girl before even filing for divorce. I’m trying ot take it as a compliment to my stellar wife abilities that he’s ready and willling to try marriage again so quickly. But I’m angry. And it feels petty, because I’m a modern independent woman who is taking care of myself brilliantly. I just wish the person I promised my life to had actually meant forever.
I just read this and cried…at work. It’s so hard. I’m kind of dealing with something similar but not really at all if that makes sense. It hit really close to home, and I know exactly how you feel. ouch, ouch, ouch. this hurts.
I have been exactly where you have. I dated a guy for going on 5 yrs, and proposed to me tons, we were gonna get married. We were soul mates. Well I thought thanks to him and I find out it’s all talk,no action. I find out the a hole was cheating on me behind my back starting march 2010 and I confronted him and he lied to me lots and told me no that he wasn’t cheating on me. Then I find out way after we broke up Feb. After his b’day 2011, that he slept with two others and dated the third and got married on my birthday. He told me in march 2010 that he drifted away from me, because he said i didn’t have enough time for him, which is bs because i did, he lied and told me he was sick a lot, wtf! I tried to be the f#ckers friend after i find out all this cr$p, like wtf! then I find out that he will always love me, tho he is married and they don’t seem happy. More like fake! His wife is nuts and they deserve each other. I am gonna back the f%ck off and let him go, not because of her, but I ain’t no man stealing wh&re. I don’t need him, he choose her. Well the good news is, he ain’t my prob any more. Peace!
Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog and this was the first post that caught my eye – probably because my ex just got married, too. Everything you have said here could have come out of my mouth. He broke me – we were together for years, things finally broke down for good in January, he met someone else while we were still trying to patch things up, was engaged a few weeks later (recycling my ring – classy) and married by August. I actually fled the country I was in such a state but am just starting to feel like myself again… it’s actually really comforting to hear about someone else having survived the same thing and feeling the same way. I was a bit of a commitment-phobe to start with, but now I struggle to imagine doing it all again. The things he did to me will haunt me forever, but despite this, I do genuinely hope he is happy and has found what he is looking for. However, having heard through his sister (also one of my best friends, yep, complicated) that he was caught texting the ex before me before they even made it down the aisle, I don’t hold out much hope that he has changed. But this actually just makes me feel sad for her and relieved that it wasn’t me – I might still think about him, dream about him on occasion, but I wouldn’t go back to that life if you paid me unimaginable sums of money. Onwards and upwards. Vx
I’m so glad I found this post today as I was feeling like no one knew what I was going through. I ran into my ex and his new wife last night… who also happens to be the girl he cheated on me with and left me for. I’m single and haven’t seriously dated anyone in the two years since we broke up. I thought they may still be together but I didn’t think they’d have the wedding done and over already! I had to be a grown up and act like I was happy for them even though she moved into the house I helped him hunt for, the bed I used to sleep in, and the heart I used to think loved me back. I turned on my heel out the door just as the tears came. Thank you for providing a sounding board and sharing your experience. It helps to know I’m not alone in these feelings and I’m sorry this happened to you. Wishing you all the best.
xx, Eliza
Eliza,
You are absolutely not alone. I bet there are dozens, hundreds, of women who could have written almost the same comment you did. Please don’t let your ex’s “progress” derail you. There is nothing wrong with the fact you are taking a break. You are using this time to get to know YOU, and to better prepare to find a better man than your ex. She got the consolation prize. Trust me. Who wants to be with a cheater? They deserve each other. And you deserve someone so much better than him. It will happen. Thanks for commenting and good luck to you.
Eliza and Catherine..
Thank you for making me feel less alone today..
I just found out via Facebook (his brother’s) that my ex got married with a girl with whom he cheated on me.. while I was planning our wedding (after 8 years together)
We split just a little over a year ago…
I knew that it was bound to happen eventually.. but didn’t expect it so soon…
It feels like someone just punched me in the stomach with all their might…
I am still single… and haven’t had a relationship since the break up….
I’m just too scared to trust anyone right now..
It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone…
Thank you for that….
Wow…
I can’t even begin to tell you how much your post mirrors exactly how I am feeling. I just found out my ex (who I was engaged to and he ended it for another person (unbeknownst to me at the time) 2 years ago) is now engaged. Your training wheels comment is EXACTLY how I feel, and so is the happiness part…it’s not that I think we are meant to be together, but just the feeling that I can’t bring myself to let anyone in and he is so happy (apparently)…and the fact that deep down I want him to be happy. Ugh. What a fantastic post- thanks for the reminder that we aren’t the only ones in this.
You’re very inspiring.
You don’t believe people can change but you think you’ve changed? Confused.
I just found this post and like everyone else I just want to say thanks for being open because it’s helped me to read your words. My former fiancé is getting married tomorrow, and when I found out I went through so many emotions that I thought I had already finished with; it made me so angry to have them resurface again! I’ve never regretted leaving that very unhealthy relaionship and know it was the right thing and that where I am in my life now is where I am supposed to be — but the first thought that entered my mind upon finding out was, of course, why is she more deserving of being treated well by him than I was? I’m like you; I want to believe he is a better person now, and I hope so much that they are truly happy together…but I wouldn’t have minded if he’d had to do some more relationship penance first, haha. Anyway, thank you again :-)!
Thank you for another inspiring read. I’m so close to the edge right now, just crying over everything, Thank you for making me smile with this story, it must have been hard to go through but thank you for writing it.
Me again… I can also relate to this post severely! My case is we were gettin married to fix his papers since he wasn’t born here. I’m still young 22 but was willing to do it cause I loved him that much so what now? He dumped me and he’s just going to marry someone random? This makes me so upset I don’t think I can ever get over it. But like u said we were just the stepping stone and I don’t know if I’ll ever move on but I’m praying I meet someone to take away this pain… If anyone has advice write me thanks
Thank you so much for this post. I am currently going through a whole array of different emotions. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, who I gave the last 5 years to, left me around this time last year. Completely unexpected, I never saw it coming. I thought we were happy, never had any arguments and we were in the midst of planning our wedding, which was supposed to take place next month.
He moved on to someone else within two months of our break up and yesterday I found out through mutual friends he has asked that girl to marry him. I’ve spent the last 24 hours crying, being angry at both him and myself as I thought I was finally in a good place. He has caused me so much hurt while he’s gone on to be nothing but happy. I feel betrayed because it’s obvious our relationship never meant as much to him as it did to me. Because how else was he able to ask another woman to marry him barely a year later? I feel angry because I gave him everything for half a decade and am not getting my happy ever after. Yet this girl who hasn’t even been with him for a year, is. My confidence is shattered, I am having a hard time trusting people and am by no means ready to let a new man in. At times, I am afraid I will never be ready. And that is such a scary thought.
It is SUCH a relieve to read there are others in this situations, who have gone through the exact same emotions as me. It means I am not crazy and that it is perfectly fine to feel this way.
What you wrote really resonated with my experience & feelings…
I dated my colleague who is from different country & nationality..went through hell of parents objections to be with him, sacrificed everything for him, learned his language, learnt to cook his ethnic dishes…all for nothing. he dumped me like a hot potato after 1.5 years and married his friend of 7 years just after 3 months. I will never know if he was two timing me all along – either physically, or mentally ( back of his mind knowing he will marry her and will dump me even if he was not sleeping with her). I find it really hard to be sure which happened and he insisted that he was never two timing me.
i was really broken that I have to find out about his engagement on FB, and what kills me more, they look utterly happy together. and I am here left to pick up the pieces.
I resent the fact why I have to be the abandoned victim instead of the happy wife. She took over the place of what should have been mine
I have gone through attempts of suicide to get rid of this pain, went through counselling etc- today i am at a better place – no more anger towards him, but I still feel the sadness left in my heart. Not sure how I can progress on but I guess i have to give it more time. Emotions come in waves – there ere are good days then bad days will jolt me suddenly.
I am just telling myself that it is too bad that this happened that we are not meant to be.
I even sent him a message to congratulate him for his wedding and wished him well, and that I forgive him for everything. Actually the forgiveness is more for myself that it is for him – I needed this to move on without turning into a bitter spinster who cant trust the world anymore.
He just happened to be the wrong guy to trust my heart with. But life has to go on although there are lingering sadness.
A counsellor told me- life is not a package made to order- you don’t always get what you want.
ahhhh wow.. I can’t believe Ive come across this blog..perfect timing in my life right now… knowing that im not alone in this makes me feel good.. I know the feeling too well of a wound that seems healed feeling like its fresh again..and the fear that creeps up on me thinking I wont love again.. or worse, thinking he’ll always have my heart ..and he’ll go on an be happy while im left alone.. and the other part, feeling like I was just a “practice run”: while he goes on and does the real thing for someone else.
sigh.. its tough.. but lemonade out of lifes lemons..turning wounds into wisdom.
Wow so glad I found this post tonight. I too was engaged to be married less than a year ago.. And found out just when I was starting to feel like I could breath again, that my ex was married with a baby on the way to a much younger girl. Holy crap I’d be a liar if I said that didn’t hurt… What can you do? Just trust in the fact that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in life at any given moment, and continue on your journey…
I was hurting and i googled “my ex boyfriend is getting married to someone else ” and i came to this blog, Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I feel so much better because you have voiced everything i am feeling right now and i am so grateful for your advice. I have now the courage to tell myself that the stinging pain in my chest will go away…
It’s as if I am walking in your shoes. Same thing happened to me and today at work I found out my ex-fiancé just got married. Image my surprise to get an e-mail of their happy smiling faces forever etched in my mind. No matter how much I try, I just can’t get those images out. I don’t understand why we are left with the aftermath of it all and they can so easily move on as if we never existed. As if we meant nothing. Maybe I am old fashioned but I believe in the sanctity of marriage. This man made a promise when he put that ring on my finger and proposed.
You are a bigger woman than I….I don’t want my ex fiancé to be happy. He destroyed me and who I was. I miss that girl who I once knew. Sure I am stronger, sure I am more independent but I am also more skeptical and very bitter. My family is not very supportive so I became the family joke, that I couldn’t keep a man. My family also uses my failed relationship as a source of power and control over me. This has been a nightmare.
I sincerely hope that you have found someone that makes you so happy, that you forgot all about your ex. That is my wish for you and everyone else this has happened to.
this is exactly what happened to me.left me after 8 years (3 years engaged) i dont even know why i stayed for 8 years with all his bullshit and lies.his parents were hell too.he is with someone else now and hes in love.he might have been probably with the both of us…cz he went public about loving her just 3 months after we broke up.i dont wish him happiness…i wish him regret.i am with someone now and im happy.but i still dont wish him happiness,cz nothing in this world will bring back my lost years,nothing will remove the sadness and tears after every broken promise.he took away my once in a life time moment.i know he wont regret what he did and he thinks its my fault we broke up cz of my depression (that he caused) i dont wish him or his family well at all.even if i end up happily married.im not a resentfull person but i honestly cant wish well for bad people.
Oh wow! I’m not alone. 🙂
The day I signed (by force) our divorce papers was no more than a week prior to the day my ex was with his soon-to-be wife. Heartbreaking to think I was replaced so quickly. Now nearly five years have passed since being divorced, and I still haven’t dated. It’s frustrating! Can’t tell if I’m unlucky, scared, or got my heart on lockdown so it won’t get hurt again. But something is definitely wrong, because I’ve become a magnet for nothing more than users (or Douchebags as I like to call them). Just when I think I’m strong and empowered, heartbreak does a Tanya Harding and has me hitting the floor. Uhh…
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Sometimes just having someone you can relate to is enough to make one not feel so alone. ❤
Nicole
(NicoleCandy.com)
On some level it gives me solace to hear someone else verbalize exactly what i think and feel about a similar experience. I do believe that there is always a silver lining around “that” cloud, and that there is a reason for it all happening the way it did. it has been almost 3 years since he and i broke up, (with 6 months of him chasing me telling me it is me that he truly wants) and over 2 when he started dating someone else, and is moving in with her, today, in fact! And although, i still haven’t realized that reason yet, i still believe that i will find that out! And he is now doing everything i needed him to do with me, with someone else, and although it eats me up that someone else is benefiting from my work, and getting what i always wanted, i also feel down deep he hasn’t changed that much… she is just better at putting up with his “stuff” and turning the other cheek, than i was, and her needs are different than mine. Good luck to him, and to your ex, because as we both know, people don’t REALLY change, and what looks good on the outside, may not be what it’s really like on the inside— Done it been there! Regardless, thanks for your blog and for your words….:)
I have really enjoyed reading your blogs. I was married to a man who I thought was my soulmate for 13 years. About 5 years ago, I started noticing he was not doing anything to be intimate with me. Yeah sex everyday or so, but no hand holding, no kissing, just critisize me and never encouraging. I was trying so hard like normal to make the marriage better to no avail. Anyway, I opened a cell phone bill and noticed one number over and over and over. He was calling this woman after leaving home heading to work. I knew who she was but had only met her once. When I confronted him with it, he said “she would say you would think we were having an affair”, but she is just my friend. This woman is single by the way. He had worked at her dads house (across the street from her house). He never would take me to see the work he was doing even thought he said her dad had invited me. Anyway, that was the start of my nightmare. It has taken me 4 years and a lot of self education about abuse and narcisstic people to learn what he is really like and why he feels no remorse. He now has a “friend” in VA and I caught him lying about that too. We seperated in May of this year so it is nothing to me anymore, but because we have a son together, he still comes here and sleeps in the guest room to spend time with our son. That has been very hard. I am slowly getting over the pain and anger. The more I learn the more I realize how much I was fooled at the beginning. I am now getting where I do not fuss or vent my anger and sadness at him. What will be our 14th anniversary is next week and wow do I feel stressed about it. I will make it through it but I am betting he will be in VA enjoying his “friend”. He says he is working but he lie’s more than anyone I ever was around. I guess that is painful for me, to think he is celebrating the New Year with a woman on my anniversary, while I sit and cry. I kind of feel sorry for these women because he still thinks he has done nothing wrong. His own family and friends thinks he is a jerk and is a monster. Your posts have kept me going through out this ordeal. I have had to stop the crying and upset days for my son’s sake. My son is in therapy at school because of his dad lying to him too. Thank you for your honesty.
Thanks for sharing your story. It showed me that i am not alone. Thank you again.
Well i just broke up with my bf. Ever since we were together, he promised me that we will be together until the end and even asked me to marry him. In my culture, when a guy ask you about marriage, it is considered as engaged even without the ring on the finger. so yea, he dump me in the rudest way… and left me just like that. no explanation just left me insulted.
After dumping me, not long after that he got together with a new girl, and that following month they got engaged. They will get married this coming march. They got together less than a month, and now they are getting married.
Everything seems so fast, i don’t know how to react. He just left me like that, and now hes getting married.
Just found out my ex of 4 years is getting married too. Haven’t even able to cry about it. Just walking around like a zombie. Just lost, confused, angry, frustrated, feeling betrayed and used and fooled etc. We were verbally engaged for 2 years (he couldn’t afford a ring). I slept on the floor because we couldn’t afford a bed, paid his bills when he needed (mind you we both were in professional school) and in those 4 years never asked him for any help. He betrayed me with all kind of nonsense. Makes me sound so shallow but now he is with some chic he knew for 9 months and looks like beast. Only common thing I see between them is their race and religion. I feel like he picked lifestyle over love and finally did exactly what his “mommy” wanted him to do. But none of that anger changes how I feel about wanting to be with him. I want to save some dignity and not say anything but every morning I wake up angry and type text messages I never send. I don’t even know what I want from him now…..do I want him to break it off? If he does, I don’t think I would marry him or would I? But you know those millions of thoughts are keeping me pretty useless for myself. Hopefully like everything else….I will get over this soon too
For about 6-7 months ago we broke our relationship with my girlfriend,but I thought that it would be like the old times,we could be together again. But she didnt forgive me. Someday one of my friends told to me : “If you really love her so much, get a ring and go to her”. Thats what I did. I bought a ring and went to her house.That night she wasnt in her house,she didnt reply my message,and one of her friends told me that she is engaged. At that time I wanted to die. And after a few months,still,I see her in my dreams and day-dreams. Almost everyday I focus on a point and think of her. Still love her so much. And I wish that she come back to me. Then I think that if she is engaged, then she is happy. I dont have the right to disturb her anymore, but cant stop thinking about her. I wish I had a time machine.Help 😦
I swear, you and I, are living the same life. I even have a Tena… or well, he has a Tena. It hurts… but unbeknownst to us, there is something better for us, and it’ll come!
I cane across your post coz i just saw the confirmation that my ex is already married. I heard that he was engage but since ive block them on facebook i dont have any ways to know until today when i unblocked them and saw their photos. I felt a lump in my throat. I cant force myself to eat. I told my sister but i cant describe my feelings clearly. I wanted to tell my guy friend but i dont want him to feel sad for me nor pity me. I thought ive moved on. I wish him happiness but i felt anger maybe because of what happened byween us. I disnt know if i was the other girl or the girl he married was the third party but i didnt know anything. I was blind for a year. But thanks to your blog. I know im not alone 🙂
After reading your about page and this post, I’m hooked! I am sorry you have gone through this/ are going through this, but thank you for sharing your journey!
after 4 YEARS of happy and love relation
at this moment im is this situation she just contact m and said i going to marry another
i am lost insid her love i dnt knw wht to do
I know I am two years late on this post but I found it after I searched for dealing with an ex getting married. I found about a month ago when I went out with my sister and best friend to a club and it ended up that my exs bachelor party was there. I didn’t even know he was getting married! I ran into his cousin that night who told me. I wish he didn’t, I wish I didn’t go to the club and more then anything I wish I didn’t know. I tried to stick the night out but I had to go. It was too hard. Too hard to see him happy, to see him move on with his life. It’s been three years and I should be over it by now, but like you worded, I’m putting back the pieces and learning to trust again. I always wondered how he could move on to a few relationships in the past 3 years and I never thought about it the way that you did. He wasn’t the one who was hurt by love, he did the hurting. There was nothing for him to get over. I wanted to say thank you for writing this bc it opened my eyes to give me a little more of an answer for my “why” questions. And makes me feel better I’m not alone. One day it will be my turn too
Hi Mich, I’m wondering if you are okay now. I wish you well. I really like your comment because this is exactly how I feel right now, I don’t know what I want, like I am comparing myself my life with his.. and like you are saying I keep in mind that soon it will be my turn..
I recently found your blog, I know this is old but I still really enjoyed reading this. You were dealing with what I’m dealing with now. I miss him and think about how she gets everything I wanted. The training wheels part really hit home. It’s not fair and sometimes I hate that woman that I don’t even know. I know I made the right choice though, because recently he wanted to get together for one last f*** before he ties the knot. I was torn, ( I know I know..) the part that misses him wanted to say yes and secretly win him back through our encounter. I knew though that it wouldn’t happen. I said no and am thankful that I wasn’t a part of his cheating. Their life isn’t as happily ever after as I thought if he wants to cheat on her. I don’t want that for myself and I guess I need to listen to everyone around me when they say “You dodged a bullet.” Slow and steady wins the race, I need to not think of it as a competition and really focus on my own journey.
My ex is getting married and decided to tell me via text message. We have a teenaged daughter, who didn’t even no he was engaged and doesn’t even know his wife to be. We haven’t spoken in years as he told me to leave him alone and I’m not gonna ruin his new life. I am gutted he cheated on me with this woman and now treats me like crap after 17 yrs together. So why now is him getting married my business? I just want closure and peace I deserve.
reading this is like reading my own story.altho we didnt get to the proposal stuff but we almost got there after 6 long years. we were planning our forever. but weeks after, after a petty argument, he dropped the bomb. he wanted out. and i just couldnt believe nor imagine it is happening.nor can it be possible.it hurts.soooo much. im on my second month of grief and i wish the pain will just goo. and just recenttly, i have this hunch that hes beginning to fancy someone,oh, i soo can relate how you felt when u find things in facebook. 😦 i hope i can be as strong as you…
wow, i coincidentally went through the same exact episode as you, Long term relationship crumbling on an upcoming wedding, because of an old flame cheating on me for almost a whole year!! anyways, we always survive..
Going through this right now the only difference is that we were together 2 years and we broke up 5 months ago he went with the girl 2 weeks after we broke up now hes getting married in 4 months so you should have an idea how i feel any help to get over this hurts like hell
Reblogged this on mazzgenesis and commented:
Exactly how I feel.. except he isn’t engaged yet. </3
Yep my ex left for Afghanistan after I was with him through years of MBA and no money only to break up with me over email after waiting for him for a year in Afghanistan which was hell. Time passed but he, and I admittedly too, sent a few emails over the next 2 yrs. I never got closer and that is my fault bc what “true man” with honor would do that to the person who stood by them for the tough years…a narcisst that’s who! So in march, he sexted me in march saying completely inappropriate sexual things and how his penis missed me, then commented on my linkedin profile. For some reason my curiosity was peaked and I googled asshole! Up popped pics of him of his new 25 yr old, trust fund baby bucked toothed bride! Yep and he’s 40 (I’m 41 btw) and this girl is 25!
It was awful, excruciating in fact that he drug me on for years, broke up with me the way he did and then married a girl that he only knew a year (long distance) and tried to kick me one more time by sexting me the month of his wedding! Nice narccist!
I’ve had to be really brutal and honest with myself…it is my fault I didn’t see him for what he was, my fault for hanging on to a dream that never existed and my fault for falling for a narcissist and letting him back in my head again.
Brutal learning experience but hope I’ll be stronger for it! I actually feel sorry for his baby bride and pitty her!
My ex moved in a different country and chose his career over me. He told me to move on, pushed me away and not hope anymore. Yeah it sucks, and now he got a new gf, all I know based on my own judgement she is rich and pretty and my ex does not give a damn like nothing happened and he seems to be showing me that leaving me was the best decision of his life. He shows everyone he has a better life and he is enjoying.
All I can say is…
OH. MY. GOODNESS.
Your situation was exactly like mine (except without the engagement and divorcing…I’m sure it was much tougher). But man did the whole situation hurt. Our relationship was already going south, and with her fanning the flame was the last straw. And that I was the one who had gone through crap with him, with her “reaping the rewards” right when things were better. I wish he’d just tell me sooner before going ahead with her.
“Did it have to be with her?” was the question I asked myself (very angrily) many times over after the relationship.
But recently I saw pictures of them together, and I was almost…happy for them. It’s funny how situations change. It’s so liberating to see how far I’ve come.
I wish you guys all the best. 🙂
There I was thinking I needed therapy after feeling down and somewhat depressed at finding out my ex is living with his new girlfriend and then I came across this poignant and very honest post which mirrors many of my emotions.
I met my ex 10 years ago at work. You could describe it as love at first sight. We had so much in common and expressed our love in the same way. We were inseparable and he talked of marriage and children right from the start. It all ended four years later because I although I was of the same religion, I wasn’t the same ethnicity as him and his conservative and controlling family would never accept me. What hurt the most was how he suddenly went into meltdown when I decided I couldnt wait for him. Instead of fighting for me, he accepted defeat and began to look for a new job, make new friends and plan his life without me. In the 6 years since we parted, I got married shortly after when my own parents arranged my marriage. I have seen my ex twice in the street at we now work in the same area. Each time it has been surreal as if no time has passed. He’s always tried to remain indifferent to me. The first meeting was easier because he showed some feeling and told me he’d been depressed after me and knew he’d never love or meeting someone like me again. The second time we met was 3 years ago and he’s changed and was very condescending and cold and adamant he’s moved on. That encounter led me to feel very low but I snapped out of it eventually.
I’ve actually been happily married for many years. My husband is an amazingly loving and loyal person who strangely enough had an an overbearing family whom he fought with for the sake of our marriage. We’ve travelled the world and I have a good job and am about to have our first child. So I’m very frustrated at how I’ve become so down about finding out my ex met a girl at work two years ago who is neither the same religion or culture and is living with her. I reconciled with the past by believing he chose to honour his families wishes and he was always adamant he’d marry someone of their choosing. That made me believe there was never any hope for us. I suffered racisism, years of false hope and let downs. I had to take all the pain of an attachment but none of its benefits and now some other girl was reaping the rewards of my suffering. Maybe he told her about loosing me and not wanting to repeat the same mistake twice but it was still me who lost out in the end. What hurts the most is his inability to face me or ever try to make amends. He is a good person. He was weak and something treated me in a cruel manner but I know I’m his mind he felt he’d suffered by loosing me and deserved to move on an be happy.
I’m a very forgiving person but I sadly can’t bring myself to be happy for him knowing he gave someone else what I felt was my right. It’s such an irrational feeling and I know I will get over it. I do believe you need to know these things in order to put things into perspective…even if it makes you question the whole basis of your relationship and what it really meant.
Thank you for this blog. I know you wrote this post over two years ago but it’s still helping people who are in a dark place and feel foolish and alone. I really hope you found your happiness and are at peace with what happened.
I know exactly the feeling. The fact that you’re in a happy relationship cannot stop this feeling. I left my boyfriend because he had no ambitions, made no plans for future and didn’t put much work into our relationship. To find out 2 years later that he married a girl whom we used to make fun of together, had a child bought a home and started a business with her. Although I don’t want him and never will but I still feel that he gave what was supposed to be mine to somebody else. I wasted 5 years and hoped he would change. How could I not feel angry? I wasn’t good enough for this sudden change?
Hi,
I am going through the exact same situation presently. My ex fiancé and I were together 14 years having gotten engaged after ten). After so long waiting for him to propose I assumed we would be spending our lives together as we built a house together and a child together. Our wedding was put on hold twice as the house wasn’t finished but I could sense things were amiss.
I found out in Jan13 that he was seeing a girl from a youth group he volunteers for in his spare time. There were hundreds of emails between them! The other woman Rebecca talked about us and how she wanted him and where would they live as I’m in our home and about our child. ( to complicate matters I’m on the mortgage not the deed as title was meant to transfer when we got married) I was devastated but tried to work through this with him as he is the love of my life and both my daughter and I were/are crushed. Our venue/church priest etc were all booked at this stage. My wedding dress is facing me still in our home. He told me it could be worked through and not to cancel anything and everything was bought for the wedding such as bridesmaids dresses etc.
In sept 13 my daughter and I came home to find he had left. We had met him
In a shop an hr beforehand and he said nothing.
I have begged and cried and pleaded to the point my friends were worried over me! We were together for one night the October after and I was trying to play it cool a d he left the next day telling me I had it wrong. I’ve spent the period since in a very hard place crying for 10 months afterwards hearing about him a d her. Then out of the blue he turned up here in oct 14 telling me he was t with her and missed us and being so vulnerable I fell in again and we were together again and he left the next day after promising me he wouldn’t. He broke me all over again and to make things worse its all legal complications due to the house which my daughter and I now have to leave. Legally I’m ebtitled to a large portion but he is only willing to give us a very small amount to start to save for the lives we should have had with him but none of that matters, we only wanted him back. He has hasrssed a d threatened and called up evey day for ten weeks to the point I jump if I hear a carin the drive and I am facing the reality of not only having lost him but our home now as the two of them will be moving into it and also family . Mine live far away do his have been in my life closely for now going on 16 years and I’m losing them too. I’m absolutely devastated.
He introduced our child to the new gf three days after he was with me behind my back and then took her to morocco on vacation where we went years earlier to the exact same places. The new gf has started calling into his patents every weekend now ( they live next door literally) a d as I’m do close every where I turn I see them together.
His nana passed away yesterday abs funeral tomorrow and I was going through papers in the house and saw a card from her the my ex fiance addressed as to her fiancé for Christmas. He got engaged to her and didn’t tell me and I had to go to the reval tonight a d say nothing to anyone.. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and have pleaded with him for 18 months to reconsider abs now this. To see our poor daughters face when she saw it too. It killed me. What do I do??? The only thing I want is him back.
I wish I could’ve as brave a d strong as you are and it sounds you know the depth of the pain and despair I feel.
Thxfor listening
Sorry for my at times incoherent typing, I was so upset writing this through tears, I hope it made sense. It really is truly heartbreaking anyone has to feel this. I hope you’re happier now
This feeling is so painfull, when you realize he is happy, saying all those phrases that he said to you, missing all the beautiful moments and trying to start over. It is a mixture between hate and love. I just hope i can find someone who makes me feel happy and in love again.
can i just say that firstly… i think you might be my soul sister? and secondly thank you for writing this FML i thought i was losing it… I broke up an on again off again relationship with a boy i had been seeing for 5 years about 2.5 years ago. I thought he was it… like it literally never occurred to me that he wasn’t going to be in my future. I was already imagining our wedding day, our babies names… you know weird girl shit. I had always been insecure about this girl he mentioned having a crush on in high school and then all of a sudden me and him are falling out and him and her are falling together. 2.5 years later their getting married and all i can think is…. was it all bullshit? i mean how could i need this time to heal and remember who i am, and get back to basics, but in the same amount of years he can GET MARRIED!!?? once i stopped crying like an idiot i tried to write it out of me… of course it got a little too deep and a little too dark so i put that idea away…. then i started googling and no one had the words right until i came across this. your exactly right…. i do want him to be happy… ya i kind of wish that it was with literally any other girl and ya i wish that i was super happy first…. but at the end of it i don’t wish him harm thats for sure and I’m trying my best to not beat myself up over my current situation which is now 28 and miserably single! Thank you for making me feel like i wasn’t crazy… i knew someone else would get it!
Thank you for ensuring that I’m NOT actually insane for feeling like this way about my ex. I wouldn’t even get back with him if I ever had the chance but the feeling of betrayal is overwhelming at times. Why couldn’t he just be honest from day one? The status was there but I was always the side chick. Never mind. Thank you for this xx
I am in the same situation. My ex husband is getting remarried to a younger women with kids. He and I had one daughter together, but I wanted more kids, and he emphatically did not want any more children, so we only had our one daughter together. My husband left me; I did not want the marriage to end. I wanted to try to work it out.. Now, he is getting married and is willing to be a father of two young kids which are not his own. Not only that, but since our divorce he has inherited a ton of money. Now, his new wife gets the perfect family and to be a stay home mom. I always wanted to be a stay home mom, but couldn’t because of money issues. So, I am lonely, poor, and divorced. And she is married, rich, and supported. I know I shouldn’t throw a pity party, but any advice on how to move on would be great.
Dear Anne
You either drown in your own wallowing over him and what could have been or you come out fighting for the independent and capable you to shape your own future. I know how hard it is to stop putting your ex at the centre of everything in your life. The still in love with him part will always play games with your heart and keep you yearning for him. My daughters watched me cry a river most times when I had to deal with difficult financial circumstances. I kept wanting my ex to come to the rescue and I am ashamed to say I did ask him for a help. His flat refusal and gloating at my predicament did me the biggest favour. I finally got it and accepted that my ex hates me, doesn’t care what happens to me and the only outcome my ex husband will settle for will be my obliteration. I am no longer at the centre of his life. That place has been taken by his supporters and enablers. His loyalty is to them now and I am nothing more than bad mistake he is desperate to forget everyday. He will reject me and humiliate me every chance he gets because where there was once love there is nothing but contempt. He has to treat me this way in order to protect himself from dealing with the mess and hurt he has caused. This is why he will go all out to please and cherish his second wife because by loving her he is not only continuing to hurt me but he is able to not make it his fault our eighteen year marriage ended because of his actions. He gets to prove he is a great guy who just married the wrong person. But on the other side of this story is my journey of self discovery, after all the crying and longing for him to come to his senses and come back to me, I realised how much my feelings of powerlessness and feeling cheated was hurting my daughters. I had to start to take control of my life. I had to make my life work. No one was coming to save me. I had to save me. I had to show my daughters what it was to be a strong woman who could stand on her own two feet and take control of her life. I had to do this so both my girls would know what it is to not rely on a man to save them and give them a better life. I studied while I worked and eventually got the qualifications required to get into nursing. It was a rocky time as we lived from hand to mouth with constant fear of not being able to pay the rent or the electric. I got good at negotiating to pay a little here and there while explaining my situation. So many strangers came through and did my girls and I favours that helped us to hang on. At one time, it didn’t even look like my oldest could make it to university because our family circumstances were so dire. She had to work for a year just to help us hold everything together. It is now seven years later and I am an RN earning enough money to buy my own tiny place. I am putting something away for retirement and both my girls made it out the other side. They both went to university and are in professional jobs. I no longer look to my ex husband as a solution to my problems. I am my own solution and I have my own life. He has his life to live and it does not matter anymore what he is getting up to. It is not easy but time and circumstances will force your hand to let your go of your ex husband and focus on what you can do for yourself. Hang in there. You can do this.
Dear Anne
You either drown in your own wallowing over him and what could have been or you come out fighting for the independent and capable you to shape your own future. I know how hard it is to stop putting your ex at the centre of everything in your life. The still in love with him part will always play games with your heart and keep you yearning for him. My daughters watched me cry a river most times when I had to deal with difficult financial circumstances. I kept wanting my ex to come to the rescue and I am ashamed to say I did ask him for a help. His flat refusal and gloating at my predicament did me the biggest favour. I finally got it and accepted that my ex hates me, doesn’t care what happens to me and the only outcome my ex husband will settle for will be my obliteration. I am no longer at the centre of his life. That place has been taken by his supporters and enablers. His loyalty is to them now and I am nothing more than bad mistake he is desperate to forget everyday. He will reject me and humiliate me every chance he gets because where there was once love there is nothing but contempt. He has to treat me this way in order to protect himself from dealing with the mess and hurt he has caused. This is why he will go all out to please and cherish his second wife because by loving her he is not only continuing to hurt me but he is able to not make it his fault our eighteen year marriage ended because of his actions. He gets to prove he is a great guy who just married the wrong person. But on the other side of this story is my journey of self discovery, after all the crying and longing for him to come to his senses and come back to me, I realised how much my feelings of powerlessness and feeling cheated was hurting my daughters. I had to start to take control of my life. I had to make my life work. No one was coming to save me. I had to save me. I had to show my daughters what it was to be a strong woman who could stand on her own two feet and take control of her life. I had to do this so both my girls would know what it is to not rely on a man to save them and give them a better life. I studied while I worked and eventually got the qualifications required to get into nursing. It was a rocky time as we lived from hand to mouth with constant fear of not being able to pay the rent or the electric. I got good at negotiating to pay a little here and there while explaining my situation. So many strangers came through and did my girls and I favours that helped us to hang on. At one time, it didn’t even look like my oldest could make it to university because our family circumstances were so dire. She had to work for a year just to help us hold everything together. It is now seven years later and I am an RN earning enough money to buy my own tiny place. I am putting something away for retirement and both my girls made it out the other side. They both went to university and are in professional jobs. I no longer look to my ex husband as a solution to my problems. I am my own solution and I have my own life. He has his life to live and it does not matter anymore what he is getting up to. It is not easy but time and circumstances will force your hand to let your go of your ex husband and focus on what you can do for yourself. Hang in there.
The love of my life broke my heart in a trillion pieces four years ago after dumping me cold for his best friend’s wife. They have lived together all these years and got married this summer in their living room, he had a minister come to the house, he wore his jeans and denim jacket, she wore a wrinkled plaid shirt, they live in a small country town and proudly refer to themselves and their friends as rednecks, I am a big city girl. Anyway, I was looking on Plenty of Fish a few weeks ago and wouldn’t you know, the love of my life who is a newly married groom has a profile up saying he is looking for ‘anything’, saying he may be 50, he turned 50 this past June, but he is ‘far from being dead’ and he also says he is single. So much for happily ever after. I am still hurting over losing him but it helps to know that if he and I had got married, I would be the one he is cheating on. He’s been like this all his life I found out. I have a great job, I own my own condo in a big city, I have good friends. I may always be heartbroken, I have no respect or use for men after this, and if I never fall in love again I can live with that. He and her deserve each other.
This is the first post I’ve read in your blog. I’m following your posts and good luck. I know this is an older one, I’m sure you’re doing better now. It’s hard to move on, I know that very very well…
This post was added 4 years ago but tonight I am grateful to read as I am in the same situation 2 years I cancelled my wedding I was with my fiancé for nearly 9 years he was the love of my life however he destroyed every part of me he was a narcissist he was awful to me and I lost my identity who I was as a person then after my hen 13 weeks before my wedding . I left I spent my wedding day in Newyork 4000 miles away I was numb he moved on very quickly with a girl they lasted 6 months then he got a new girlfriend, today I found out there living together and planning marriage .
It hurt like hell moving into my own home a friend of friend showed me pictures the house is the exact same as I left it nothing changed I felt like she was living my life .
In the two years of my breakup it’s been an emotional rollercoaster . I ended up seriously ill with thyphoid after a trip to Barbados I was very ill in hospital then I was seriously attack I am nurse and I was attack on duty .
However the up of the two years I have travelled in 8 long haul holidays all over the world ran two 10k I try to be positive.
But I am still heartbroken I was completely broken and I have had to rebuild my life move back to my parents at 29 you feel like you have failed I lost my home and car due to my ex so it’s a complete fresh start .
I hear he is treating the new girl like a queen and she is telling everyone how amazing he is so perfect . I wonder why he treated me so bad cheated took drugs mentally abused me everyday . I feel sad I haven’t been able to commit to anyone or find happiness with a man I try not to pity my self but it is hard when you see he is happy living a perfect life
When all I ever wanted to do was be the best girlfriend for him I fought every inch of my being for him and our happiness I left because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I had to save my self before I became mentally ill
I pray every night for happiness I also pray for him I do want him to be happy ,
However I just feel sad that after all I been through why am I still lost . I did the no Facebook contact matching or mutal stop the Instagram mutal friends yet it still haunts me
I would love to know in the four years did it turn out ok