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Simply Solo Spotlight: When He Cheats

April 3, 2012

Happy Simply Solo Spotlight Tuesday! Today’s guest post is written by Courtney from Clduncan75, the “ME” Project, which is a blog about finding ways to beat back the flames of middle age with lip gloss and, possibly, bikini wax.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

When He Cheats

When he cheats … it doesn’t have to be the worst thing in the world.

This is a mighty brave statement from a girl who, this time last year, was in the midst of one of the most painful, horrific times of her life. Yep, me. I had been suspicious for some time that my boyfriend, and father of my five-month-old daughter, had been cheating on me. As a matter of fact, I KNEW he was, with every fiber of my being. I knew in the way one intuitively knows something that they cannot prove, that is. For months, my snooping had been escalating to obsessive levels. I was so desperate to prove that I wasn’t crazy AND that he was the world’s most deviant liar that I had gotten pretty creative.

Unfortunately for me, it was that creativity that paid off and left me face-to-face with the truth. I couldn’t hack the code on his phone (and by the way, if you find yourself ever in that position, just go ahead and walk away. You are officially in an unhealthy relationship). So, I finally pulled out the memory card and loaded it into my phone. It worked. I got to see all the many, many pictures in his phone of the girl he had all but left me for. It was quite an eyeful. I wasn’t crazy … yay? There I stood, with that phone in my hand, shaking and stunned. My relationship had felt doomed for a while, yes, but this was a whole new level of bad. This was IT, man. I had to face the fact that life as I knew it, and all the hopes and dreams I’d had for the future, it was all done.

Photo courtesy of Akbar Sim

This was incredibly hard for me on so many levels, but I truly think, aside from being heartbroken, it was the loss of the life I thought we’d have together that hurt so much. I was never one of those girls who had a plan of any sort, really. I knew that I never wanted to drive a mini-van (please, God) or wear holiday sweatshirts with wreaths or turkeys on them. But other than that, you know … whatever. Then, while I was pregnant with our baby, something happened. I found myself so blissed out from all the love and devotion that man showed me, that I formed a picture in my head of what life could be like. That picture grew until it was like I had tunnel vision. All my defenses were down, my trust was absolute. That’s when he yanked the rug out from under me.

It was ugly. I’m not going to go into more detail than that (mostly because I just pictured my mom reading this and how uncomfortable Thanksgiving will be this year for him if I don’t shut up). I left as soon as I could, and not one day went by where I wasn’t just heartsick and lost. But at least I was moving forward instead of stuck in that horrible limbo of uncertainty. During that time, if you’d told me that in a year I would view what came out of that mess as a blessing … honestly, I probably would have punched you. But it really is true, and here’s why:

I learned finally and totally to trust my instincts, no matter what. That gut feeling is for real, and it’s there for a reason – we are just animals underneath all this junk, after all.

I learned that putting all your eggs in one basket, i.e. having every hope and dream you have dependent on someone else, is plain stupid. I am 100% responsible for my happiness and I owe it to myself to be okay on my own.

I learned that being cheated on is a lot more common than we think it is, but it carries a stigma of shame for us women when it happens to us. Even though it’s not (and never is) the fault of the person who is wronged, it’s feels like a clear statement of “You aren’t enough for me.” And that really sucks.

I learned that friends can judge us so harshly that you might feel like you have nowhere to turn. I made the very difficult decision to try to work through this thing with my boyfriend, for a myriad of reasons. Some of them perhaps more valid than others, but so what? I had some friends who made me feel like such crap for taking him back, and that was the last thing I needed.

Maybe, though, the most important thing of all was that I learned a lot about forgiveness. I never understood before how you could forgive someone who had hurt you so much. I could say the words, but those feelings were still there. Now I know that forgiveness is not something that just happens – it’s a decision you make every single day until you don’t have to think about it anymore.

My life is not perfect by a long shot. Sometimes I still wonder if I made the right choice, but those moments are pretty rare. Once you make up your mind about something, you need to commit to it, you know? But I think I am a far stronger woman than I was before this, and I really am grateful for the lessons learned, whatever the outcome will eventually be.

I wonder … do you know what you would really do if you found out your lover was having an affair? Would you leave? Are you sure? If you stayed, would you be ashamed to tell your friends and family what he’d done? I can’t wait to hear, and thank you so much for reading!

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


41 Comments leave one →
  1. April 3, 2012 9:18 am

    I don’t think i could really ever forget and my trust would be broken. But I do think that it is up to each person to decide for themselves, depending on the situation and the people involved. I think if you can forgive and forget but mainly trust him again go for it, after all there is a child involved. I just don’t know if I could … but I would never judge others who can.

    • April 3, 2012 11:23 am

      You don’t ever forget! But you CAN forgive, if you decide to…and you really should, even if you end up leaving. Who wants to carry that around with them?
      And trust is something that takes a long time to rebuild, but it can be done. You’d be amazed what can be overcome if you wait it out.

  2. April 3, 2012 9:45 am

    Your post just came as a blessing to me…I am pretty much stuck in the same place right now with the guy I thought could bring the world for me at my wish has suddenly left me for another girl I have hated for the longest time, without even a note or warning. Every call or text goes unanswered, and after all of this there is no admittance nor denial…. It is absolutely true that its a clear statement of ‘I don’t need you anymore’ and it pains as hell….

    I could still be a part of the dreams we had seen for his life and career, but I can’t ever let him into my life or be the same genuine girl I was to him or his family anymore…because if the very basis of a relationship is gone, there is no relationship… its like a scar; the wound might have healed but the scars will forever remind you of why and how they came there in the first place…

    • April 3, 2012 11:10 am

      Well, I’m glad if this helped at all…I know how awful you are feeling, and I don’t envy that at all. But I promise you, things DO get better. I know that if he and I did not end up together, I still would be in a good place by now. It really does just take time…there is not a lot else that is going to fix it.
      Just remember, the right one WILL come along, and when he does, you will be SO glad you didn’t get stuck with the jerk who hurt you. You will wonder what you ever saw in him at all.
      And then you can laugh at how he wound up with that awful girl you hate!

  3. April 3, 2012 9:57 am

    It’s hard! I have good days and bad days, but most of them are good now. I think the main thing is that when you forgive someone, you have to remind yourself of that a lot…otherwise the temptation to throw stuff in their face is pretty tempting. Thanks for reading!

  4. April 3, 2012 9:58 am

    You are a much stronger woman than i am. I could never let a man who cheated on me back into my life.. i would turn into a miserable nagger and be unhappy all the time… if you can master the art of true forgiveness.. i salute you for that. everyone needs another chance.. if I was the one who cheated and made a mistake.. I might need that 2nd chance as well.. take note though that if you decide to take him back… you should be ready to erase his past mistakes.. you have no license to nag, be unhappy or slip into sadness.. because at the end of the day – you should have already forgiven him to accept him back into your life.. you allowed it and you should be prepared,, yes you are much stronger.. i don’t think i could ever do that…

    • April 3, 2012 11:16 am

      That’s so true! You do have to remember that you decided to forgive, and be prepared to let go of all that stuff…THAT is the hardest part!
      It’s funny that you say I am stronger by forgiving, because that is one of the things I struggled with- I felt like I was such a wimp for staying. That a truly strong woman would have had some pride and cut him off…but you aren’t the only one who has said this, leading me to believe that we all have really different ideas of things!

  5. April 3, 2012 10:12 am

    I DID leave — well, I made him leave. But as it turns out, I firmly believe he was just waiting for the betrayal to be discovered (he inscribed his love for the other woman on a brick, in fact — a literal brick. And that’s how I discovered the infidelity). So he was halfway out the door already.

    I have two children with him, so it was a difficult decision. But I knew that there could never be trust again; therefore, how could I model a successful relationship for my innocent children if I didn’t leave?

    You talk about friends judging you for taking him back, while I had the opposite: friends judging me for not making it work “for the children.” It seems some “friends” are just there to judge, regardless of the decision!

    I wish you continued healing…

    🙂

    • April 3, 2012 11:29 am

      I think you are right! Some people just want to tell you what you are doing wrong! It’s so hard to know if the choices we are making are the right ones, you just do the best you can. Thanks for reading!

  6. April 3, 2012 10:20 am

    And by the way, I really meant to thank Catherine at the beginning of my blog, but somehow did not, so THANK YOU, Catherine, for this great opportunity to reach new people! I think it’s awesome that you do this for so many bloggers!

    • May 26, 2012 11:40 pm

      That you so much for participating in my blog and sharing your story. I’m lucky to have your perspective on my blog to help my readers. Thank you.

  7. Tracy Alexander permalink
    April 3, 2012 10:23 am

    I think all women who have not walked in your shoes would say oh yes hell yes I would leave. But I believe that once you experience that things might change. You have to do the best thing for you and your precious children. I am sorry that you had friends that did not support you. I would be willing to say that maybe they had their guard up for you. Trying to prevent you from getting hurt again. I really enjoyed your story and I look forward to seeing or reading more!

    • April 3, 2012 11:30 am

      Thanks, Tracy! I’m sure you are right, but sometimes friendship is misguided. It was a hard time- I’m glad it all (seemed to have) worked out. I suppose time will tell.

  8. April 3, 2012 10:28 am

    I feel for you…I left, too, but he just kept following me. This didn’t make it any easier, because I really didn’t want to leave at all, I just felt there were no other options left that I could live with.
    I struggled with the humiliation of taking him back for a long time, and the fear that he would do it again.
    And about those friends…the last thing a woman in pain, for whatever reason, needs is some A-hole telling her what she SHOULD be doing. It’s hard enough without that. I learned a lot about how to be a good friend by what I did and didn’t get from my friends- most of them were great, but some of them just dropped the ball.
    I forgive them though. I guess. 🙂

  9. Nancy permalink
    April 3, 2012 11:14 am

    My ex husband cheated on me, and we split. I find is somewhat amusing the question that if someone cheats on you, should you leave them or not. The fact is, that person has already left you. Perhaps not physically, but certainly emotionally. They are already gone. You have already been abandoned. So should they come crawling back, YOU are the one in power. Do you try to work it out? Do you say “get the heck out of my life forever?” The decision is yours, and yes, it comes at a time you are extremely vunerable – like you said, that feeling of “I wasn’t good enough for you” can play with your psyche for months, if not years. Trust. Forgiveness. It is a difficult rocky road to travel. But one thing I learned, is that when my friends found out what had happened, I found that I had way more friends than I thought.

    • April 3, 2012 11:20 am

      There is a lot of truth to that- he really had left me, emotionally, for a long time. It was terribly painful to be in that position, knowing, but not knowing for sure.
      I do know this much- there is no way in hell I could ever go through that again. Not with him, or with anyone. That one chance has been used up, and he knows it. I will be just fine on my own, thank you very much.
      Not that I am inviting trouble, but I do realize I can’t do a single thing about anyone’s behavior except my own, so…I suppose we shall see. 🙂

  10. Jill permalink
    April 3, 2012 11:49 am

    Thank you for this post! May will be a year since my husbands confession to me about his “cheating” if it can be called that. I’m still unclear. Here’s the story. My husband was at work one day and had to go into someones home. From what he told me the girl was known to be an alcoholic. He went into her house to do some work in the kitchen and the girl was a wreck – crying about not being loved by her father or grandfather. My husband being the kind consoling person listened to her while doing his work. The next job was in her bathroom – to cut a long story short this is where the mess happened. He was doing work in her bathroom she leaned in and tried kissing him he moved his face and she kissed his cheek. He informed her that he was infact married with a child. He went on working in the bathroom. When the job was all done he started cleaning up his mess this girl “Lindsey” very forcefully pushed my husband into the corner where he was trapped between her and the bath tub. And proceeded to go “down” on him. Unzipping his shorts, pulling apart boxers and so on and so forth. He told me this lasted maybe a minute. But I’m not dumb I know it takes just a few seconds to undo things and get stuff out. He said there was a noise and she stopped to look and he put himself away and left her place.

    I didn’t find out until the next day. But I remember the night it happened like it was yesterday. My husband and I layed on the floor next tio each other but not touching our daughter was laying betwen us. He wouldn’t touch me and he was real quiet. I didn’t think anything of it- because I trusted him with ALL my heart and its just not in his nature to do such a thing.

    The next day while at work things started to unfold and I found out- he had confessed what had happened the day before. I was devasted, at a loss for words, immediately sick to my stomach, unable to concentrate, unable to even speak. I stayed at work for the rest of the day- i knew that if I went home I would literally KILL him. So I tried to calm down “tried” but my efforts failed. It was time to go home and face the music.

    I got home and didn’t say a word to him. He could see it in my face that I was really beside myself, crying all day and just really hurt. After maybe an hour of not talking I finally asked him to tell me everything. He did -twice! I had so many questions, so many things running through my head at the time I could barely hear myself think. With ever word he spoke- i shed a tear-multiple tears actually.

    The next couple of days proved to be the toughest. There were days when I would walk up to him and just start screaming in his face with tears running down mine, and then there were days when I just wouldn’t look in his direction. My daughter was clueless as to whatwas happening. Thank god! Everyday I would ask him to repeat what had happened and tell me the story. I was trying so hard to figure out why. He told me he didn’t intentionally do it- he was forced. (me knowing him didn’t believe that- but apart of me wanted to believe that because i knew him so well and that is not him. He is NOT a cheater)

    We ended up somewhat working things out- i still have my thoughts. I went through an emotional breakdown for the next couple of months – lost 30lbs, couldn’t eat, was constantly sick to my stomach, went on fits of rage, tried commiting suicide. It was rough- really rough.

    Im ok now- I think. Not sure what I’ll be like in May- even though its not a holiday or birthday. It’s a day I’ll never forget, a day that changed my thoughts and my life.

    Slowly healing…

    • April 3, 2012 12:39 pm

      Yeah, there was a LOT of me asking questions- something I didn’t mention is that I actually called the girl and grilled her, repeatedly. She was so upset over the whole thing, too, and I think there was probably some disbelief on her part that he chose me (I’m know he told her it was basically over between us for a long time-LIE.) so she wanted to spill the beans. I don’t know if it hurt or helped. I found out so much, from both of them. I’m glad that’s all behind me. For a long time, it was too painful to even talk about at all.

  11. NancyO permalink
    April 3, 2012 11:56 am

    good story. thanks for sharing. Most people are quick to judge and make a definitive statement like they will definitely go or stay. I think it’s a very personal choice. It really comes down to how you feel in your heart and together with your partner. I’m glad you have found happiness over an obstacle.

    • April 3, 2012 12:40 pm

      Thanks! I’ve learned so much about what it really is possible to overcome- if both of you are really trying, anyway. It can’t be one-sided.

  12. April 3, 2012 1:53 pm

    Reblogged this on The Project Me and commented:
    One of those things that we will never understand unless we experience it… A heart break so painful that no matter how much we think it has healed there shall always be a scar left behind… A scar so deep that it shall bring back the heartache every time we see it…

    • Messy permalink
      November 29, 2013 4:21 am

      I know this was posted more than a year ago but i just needed to write my story down and hopefully get some perspective from anyone out there.

      My husband’s one night stand 7 years ago resulted in a child. i found out about it (he confessed) a year later while we were engaged. I chose to stay and married him anyway and agreed to have the child as a full part of our lives (we have him every weekend), but lately each time I see my husband with my stepson the heartache comes rushing back all over again. I have begun to doubt whether i made a good decision when i stayed. I hide my feelings from both husband and stepson and everyone else in our family except for my twin sister, and its so hard, it makes me feel so alone, and i also feel so much shame and guilt for having these feelings of anger and resentment towards my husband especially since i promised i had forgiven him and so many years have passed where i seemed ok with everything. I realize now that all i have been feeling these past few years when i thought i was ok with the whole thing was denial (I never attempted to process the news of the affair when i first found out, we never really talked about it, i lost my mind for 2 days during which time i locked myself in my house and refused to see my husband, and when i emerged it was as if nothing had happened, I felt nothing, and we went on planning the wedding, i asked to see the child and our lives seemed to just move on, i didn’t think about it and while i didn’t feel anything when i looked at the child -no anger, no pain, no hurt, no love, nothing just an emptiness – i didn’t question this, in fact i was relieved because i had been worried that i might feel anger or hate upon seeing him) i realize now that i numbed myself to any feeling regarding the issue. But a few months ago i lost our firstborn son in late pregnancy and i think this is what has made all these feelings resurface. I don’t know what to do, i feel so scared of myself and so scared of the depth of the negative feelings that i have, and i am so scared that my marriage is going to fall apart because i can’t see myself staying and i know i cannot tolerate these negative feelings for much longer, I do not like the person i am becoming. I have thought of going for counseling but i feel that i will be judged and told to sleep on the bed i made when i agreed to stay. By the way my side of the family do not know about the affair or the child, my husband begged me to not tell them, even his side of the family only learnt about it in the last three years when we were already married and only because i insisted on it because i thought it was important for his son to know his father’s side of the family. Few of my friends know, initially this was because my husband also begged me to not tell them (he said he wasn’t ready to tell them), but of late i myself do not want them to know because i feel so much shame and i feel that they will judge me for staying -they have always known me to have very strong feelings/convictions on cheating and they hold similar views. Only my twin sister and 3 close friends know (my husband does not even know i told those friends). I now realize that i am experiencing all those feelings that i should have had in the beginning but which i clammed down after those initial 2 days when my husband confessed. I realize that i was so traumatized that somehow i refused to let my brain continue to deal with what i had found out, hence i emerged from those two days indifferent, as if nothing had happened, and because we are Christians both my husband and myself (and my twin sister) interpreted my response as God’s healing miracle and didn’t question it further (even though my husband is a clinical psychologist).

      What a mess…………………

  13. April 3, 2012 3:07 pm

    How the energy to keep a grudge alive will ultimately drain away your strength;

    How a desire for revenge will defile you and may even unconsciously make you into a person as hurtful and vicious as the one who hurt you.

    The unfortunate life circumstances and traumas that may have motivated your victimizer.

    You are not responsible for straightening out others; you don’t really know what’s best for them.

    I am not out of control. I have the power of choice, to chose and live on my own terms.

    I am a good person whether they appreciate it or not. It would be nice if they noticed, but that is only a preference.

    • April 3, 2012 5:11 pm

      Pretty deep stuff! Although, I have to say…I agree (I just had to read it a couple of times to be sure 🙂 )

  14. April 3, 2012 3:15 pm

    Another GREAT post Courtney!! I think it’s awesome that you found the strength to learn lessons and build something stronger and positive from the aftermath, as well as had the courage to share it here. Ultimately, it behooves us to remember that life– and people– are complicated things, and very few situations are clear cut and well defined. I think people are often way too quick to judge, not only what they read in others but in their own lives as well… and that notion has inspired a blogpost of my own 😉

  15. April 3, 2012 5:13 pm

    Thanks, Ben! And thank YOU for pointing me in this direction! I know that I, for one, am quick to forget how much being judged has hurt me when I am doing it to others. I sure do try to stay aware, though. I’m a work in progress. Can’t wait to see what you cook up next!

  16. April 4, 2012 2:59 pm

    I think you are a brave one, lady. I can honestly say that I can’t imagine staying in thre relationship. That, in no way, is my feeling like I’m too good or superior. No, the opposite in fact. I don’t trust that I would have the strength to make that decision to forgive daily. And I commend you BIG TIME for taking those steps.

    • April 4, 2012 8:08 pm

      I love that you said this, because I felt like such a door-mat in the beginning for sticking around. I promise you, a year later, I still have days where I think about it and my heart feels broken all over again, but I have learned to stop letting my mind take me that deep into it. It serves no purpose other than to cause me pain. You’d be amazed, though, what you can get through when you make up your mind that you will.

  17. Stephanie permalink
    April 5, 2012 10:50 am

    I obviously don’t know all of the details of your story, but I do know that the decision to continue on in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful is agonizing. Contrary to what some people seem to believe it is not easy or weak at all. It actually takes a lot of soul-searching and sleepless nights and second-guessing.

    Just the act of being cheated on and knowing without the definitive proof (there really is some sort of instinct at play) makes you feel insane. Fully trusting someone with all of your heart while some primal part of you is screaming that something is wrong is a feeling that defies description. Then that moment when your worst fear is confirmed is devastating and full of relief at the same time. I”I knew I wasn’t crazy,” “I can’t believe it,” “How dare he,” and “I am soooo angry” were all flashing through my mind along with about a hundred other things.

    There is a certain amount of power and adrenaline that you feel when you can finally confront him with hard evidence. In my case I had voiced some of my concerns about his interactions with a particular person and he had denied them vehemently and made me out to be a ridiculously jealous person. He knew how to play into my own self-doubt and make me question if I was the one who had broken trust by even wondering. Sexual infidelity (and the desperate attempt at cover-up) is such a manipulative thing that twists your feelings and confidence. When I finally found out the extent of things and had proof that he could not deny it was a very emotionally charged moment for both of us.

    I don’t know about you, but I had always thought cheating (and abuse) were two things I wouldn’t stand for in a relationship and that anyone who did that to me would be erased from my life, period. At first I felt self-justified and authoritative – I was taking back my sanity and putting my foot down about what I deserve as a woman. I didn’t want to hear his excuses or even apologies, even if they seemed sincere.

    Eventually the rage in my heart died down and the sadness and loss of all the great things about the relationship (and him) started to bring another wave of doubt. Was I really doing myself justice to throw away years of my life and my marriage without even giving it a second thought? It was not easy and it was not done overnight or without much strife and fear and crying, but I discovered that I was willing to put in the effort to try and forgive if he was willing to make some serious changes.

    Ultimately we are stronger now almost exactly a year post-discovery (March 31st will forever be a painful memory). I personally learned not to accept words when the actions don’t seem to match, to trust my instinct, and that sometimes small shifts in communication and patterns of behavior can make an unbelievable difference in a relationship. Both he and I (individually and as a couple) went to therapy to deal with the underlying issues, heal, and learn how to move forward. It is still an ongoing process, although our relationship is so much happier and more fulfilling than I would have ever thought was possible in the weeks and months after the revelation.

    Sorry for the long post, but your words obviously resonate with me.

    • April 6, 2012 3:52 pm

      I swear to you, I answered this! Was there ever an answer to this post that I am missing now?
      Just in case there is not, I thank you so much for sharing your story- it’s true that we can rise above this stuff, but it takes so much more work than just walking away.
      Nothing is forever- it’s for as long as we keep showing up and doing the work. I’m a different person than I was before all of this happened, but not worse off- I just know myself that much better than I did.

  18. stickyflaps permalink
    April 6, 2012 3:57 am

    I can totally relate to how you were feeling. I went crazy with the “knowing”… eventually I hacked his email and found he was meeting women on singles sites. He was even messaging them from our honeymoon! That bit really stings, but now I’m so glad I know for sure and I don’t have to deal with thinking I’m crazy anymore. Onwards and upwards – I know I have so much ahead of me! I’m angry for our daughter, but mostly I’ve forgiven him. We all make mistakes and it’s been six months now and he still is wallowing in it. I don’t want him to spend the rest of his life unhappy and regretful. I’m moving on and it’s hard for him because he isn’t. The weird thing is after all he put me through I still worry about him and want him to find happiness.

    • April 6, 2012 3:48 pm

      Yeah, there’s no way around the suckiness of the whole thing. It really is a horrible thing to have to go through- I take it you left him, then? It sounds like you are doing well. I think the most important thing is that we make the decision that is right for us, and that we are prepared to deal with whatever the consequences of that decision may be. I know there is always a chance that mine could be unfaithful again. However, there is NO chance that I would forgive him again. I have an alternate plan in case it happens- not another man! I mean, I know what I will do, financially, and in that way…I don’t like to have to think that way, but I think it is just reality for us now.

  19. Tyler permalink
    April 12, 2012 8:19 am

    I am Tyler, I know this is a woman’s website, I accidentally stumbled upon here and your story caught my attention.. here are my 3 cents

    Forgiveness does take a lot from the forgiver, in fact more so than the forgivee (if theres such a term). I speak from experience. My ex-fiancé cheated on me before with her ex… it was a long term affair for a few months where they slept together on more than one occasion.

    She broke down when I proposed. She confessed. Obviously the proposal didn’t go through and I had to make a choice. Forgive or leave. I took out my cigarette, smoked it and decided in a cigarette’s time that i would forgive.

    We were together for a year plus.. and I proposed.. again. We were engaged.
    During this period of time, i exercised more restraint and self-control than ever. I knew nagging and talking about the past would lower her esteem and her position in the relationship. So i didn’t bring it up. And when I did talk about it, I said it as a matter of factly and I have shown her that I have accepted what happened as a part of my life and something that the relationship went through to become stronger…

    The relationship did become stronger.
    But the problem was… she didn’t change.
    She cheated again.
    However, this time she found a flimsy reason to broke off the engagement. She claimed I couldn’t make enough money to support her ‘desired’ lifestyle, when she knew exactly how much I made for the past 3 years. I mean, if she had minded it, she shouldn’t have accepted my proposal…

    But inside, my instinct was screaming, “LIAR! CHEATER!!”
    So I was in a sense, ditched.

    Within a short period of time, I discovered that she was going out with someone else.
    I knew my instincts were right. But the truth didn’t matter anymore.

    I took a big risk to forgive. It wasn’t easy. It was a gamble that won me bliss and happiness for a period of time. But ultimately I lost the bet. and I lost my heart. Be careful when you gamble.

    Eventually I learnt to get over it, sometimes I still feel I’m not over it…
    But I learnt to accept certain things in life…

    1) You can’t fault a cheater for cheating. Its what they do. Like how I can never blame a cockroach for being a cockroach.

    2) If you decide to forgive, never regret your decision.. even if you lose in the end.
    Because you win by not having to spend the rest of your life with that person…

    Peace out.

    • April 18, 2012 1:09 am

      Tyler, I am so glad that a guy chimed in! I’m sorry I didn’t see your post sooner- I don’t know if you will ever see this or not. But if you do, I want to tell you that I totally agree with you- you can’t hold onto that stuff forever, if you do forgive, and you can’t ever regret the decisions you made. I know I won’t!

    • April 25, 2012 10:24 pm

      Tyler,
      What a great comment. You speak to a topic that so many of us have been through. For me, it was truly interesting to hear this from a male’s perspective. Seriously, this wasn’t intended to be a “woman’s website.” It’s for anyone who has love and lost, or are starting over again. Male or female. So you definitely fall in that category and you have such good information to share. I’m wondering (and I hope you see my reply to your comment), if sometime you could write a guest post for Simply Solo?
      “You can’t fault a cheater for cheating. Its what they do. Like how I can never blame a cockroach for being a cockroach.”
      I’ve really never thought of it that way. I’m gonna think on this. I’m not really here yet… I’m totally OK with blaming a cheater. But maybe this perspective can help me let go a bit.

      • May 12, 2012 11:30 pm

        Hi Tyler here. I saw yr comment finally! Maybe u could email me at starscream258@hotmail?

        • May 26, 2012 11:44 pm

          Just emailed you! Sorry for the delay – way behind on responding to comments!

      • May 12, 2012 11:31 pm

        Ok sure maybe we can talk abt this via email?

    • crushed permalink
      July 15, 2012 5:57 am

      Tyler, thanks for articulating this.I forgave, the first time, and said “but it wouldn’t work again”. And yeah, well, two years later, guess what…only this time it was a full-on year-long affair, a pregnancy, he told her he broke up with me when he hadn’t…i feel so stupid, foolish,used and filled with rage. I am struggling because we have had no resolution. His mother was famously unfaithful, repeatedly, to his father; he told me he never wanted that kind of relationship, and yet he has replicated it with me, and I see now he is just like his mother. It’s what he does, who he is, and I guess it is sort of comforting to think it wasn’t me, he is just being the cockroach he will always be. He has moved on with another already and I sit here with my rage and my crushed and crumpled heart. Ouch.

Trackbacks

  1. Flexibility and Forgiveness « My Ideal Woman…
  2. Quick Reply « Newlywed and Already Crazy

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