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Simply Solo Spotlight: In Defense of the Beta Man

May 1, 2012

Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Bennie of My Ideal Woman, Bennie’s blog dedicated to expressing his appreciation of the fairer sex: a celebration of all the things he loves about women; expressions of his enthusiasm and delight of the female mind and body. You may remember that Bennie guest blogged on Simply Solo before, with his post Spice of Life. After reading and commenting on today’s post in defense of the Beta Man (I’m sold, by the way!), be sure to stop by Bennie’s blog.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com.

In Defense of the Beta Man

As a single man, I find it particularly fun and enjoyable reading my fellow bloggers of the female persuasion, and getting their perspective on life, love and relationships. One theme that I run across quite often among the single women is their longing for an “alpha male” – a man who’s confident, successful, athletic, and dominant. He’s a man who takes the lead, who knows what he wants and gets it.

I’m here to call bullshit on that notion, at least for some of you. While you may think that’s what you want, in reality, deep down what you really want is a Beta Man. You know, the Nice Guys. The ones you stick in The Friend Zone and assume that they lack excitement and passion. I’m here to make the case that you should give them a try.

Why? Well, a Beta Man…

is less likely to be an asshole. Let’s face it; often times the term “alpha male” is just a more pleasant way to refer to an asshole. Being an asshole generally means being selfish and wrapped up in yourself and that gets old quick. A beta man’s ego isn’t so large that there’s no room for other people’s wants and needs in a relationship. He’s not going to issue ultimatums or use what he knows about you to hurt you just for spite.

is more likely to be a romantic. He’s going to enjoy making those big romantic gestures for no reason other than he loves you and wants to surprise you, to see delight on your face. The alpha male will send you flowers when he’s supposed to, on Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, birthdays. A beta male will spring a surprise romantic getaway on you after you’ve just had a week from hell, to lift your spirits and bask you in love. He’s going to burn a CD with your favorite songs for you, leave you love notes, propose a picnic lunch on a surprisingly gorgeous day. He’s going to remember all the “firsts” of your relationship.

celebrates your successes. If you just got a big promotion at work, a beta man will be excited for you and want to hear all about it even if his own work situation is less than ideal or stagnant. An alpha male can’t help but be competitive, and be resentful of your successes if they seem to outpace his own. An alpha man will often feel threatened if you earn more money than him, while a beta man sees that as just part of who you are. What if you’re better at darts or cards than your partner? It’ll drive an alpha man crazy, while the beta man will brag to people what a badass you are.

man kissing woman on cheekenjoys spending time with you. Just being with you feels good, whether it’s going on a date, watching TV at home, on a car trip, or snuggling in bed. For an alpha man, spending time with you is simply the price you pay for a woman to have sex with and who cooks you good meals. He’ll grudgingly sit through romantic comedies with you thinking about the sports game he’s missing, while a beta man will laugh along with you and really enjoy it. For the beta man, time with you is the prize.

listens to you. He values what you have to say, knows that he can learn from your own experiences and is willing to change his mind. An alpha male is so wrapped up in the competitive need to be the best that it’s difficult for him to put himself in other people’s shoes, to empathize and be compassionate. A beta man is going to be willing and even eager to hear what pleases you in bed, while an alpha male will take suggestions as an insult to his patented lovemaking skills.

has confidence that’s earned. A beta man’s confidence comes from making mistakes and learning from them, from keeping an open mind to new lines of thinking that may be better than what he thought before. An alpha man will be confident with you because “he knows women,” which basically lumps you into the broad swath of conquests past and minimizes the differences that make you unique. A beta male may be a little nervous or reserved with you in the beginning, but it’s because he knows you are different from any woman that’s come before, and that getting to really know someone is difficult and takes time and effort. But if you give him the chance, the beta man will put in that time and effort, and the nervousness and reserve will be replaced with confidence earned from learning the real you.

can be a true friend. The foundation for any healthy long-term relationship has to be friendship, which is grounded in respect and understanding. An alpha man will tend to think of friends as peers, and peers can only be other men. Women play certain roles in his life, while friends play other roles. For a beta man, he knows a friend, a woman, and a lover can all be rolled up in one wonderful package.

Obviously I know that there are some Alpha men who are also nice guys, and some Beta men who can be jerks, but Alpha men have no trouble standing up for themselves and letting everyone know how awesome they are. I thought it was high time to stand up for all the worthy Beta men out there who just might be the perfect match if you give him the chance. What do you think?

Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.


47 Comments leave one →
  1. May 1, 2012 9:23 am

    Reblogged this on My Ideal Woman… and commented:
    I’m guest-blogging on Simply Solo today, come over and check it out! 🙂

  2. May 1, 2012 10:23 am

    Great blog! I am sold on beta men, too! I’m not really sure where my husband falls on that spectrum… is there something in-between the two? He seems to be a bit of both.

  3. May 1, 2012 10:30 am

    Fantastic. I was married to an Alpha man and divorcing him was hell. I’m with a Beta man now and we have an incredible bond and passion and respect. He’s fun in bed and I can tell him anything and ask for anything. Beta men are strong but in the right areas and are never bullies. Great blog, Ben and I hope the single ladies out there jump on the Beta Man Wagon 🙂

    • May 1, 2012 10:32 am

      Thanks for reading Lisa, and I’m glad you’ve found your right match now… and helping make my case LOL 🙂

  4. May 1, 2012 11:48 am

    I’m not an Alpha man by any means, but I’d have to say that there’s a happy medium in between the two. Maybe an Alp-eta man. The nice guys who get put in the friend zone aren’t the guys that “go for it” and take any risk. If they had, they’d put their feelings first every time. And if it goes south, walk away, head held high. Moving forward, not moving on. Someone who is confident with their decisions, and although can’t be waived…can be understood and will put reason above bullying.

    I think there’s room for both of these comparisons in your blog Ben, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and I think it compelled me to really think about which guy I am.

    • May 4, 2012 11:46 am

      Thanks for the great feedback, Jay! I’m certainly of the opinion that guys can certainly “evolve” from the typical Alpha/Beta man they started from. I’m certainly Beta through and through, but I think that I’m a much more confidant man now than I was back when I was single the first time around. Time + experience helps you earn that sort of confidence.

      Not to say that I won’t still have that shyness I’ll be struggling with, but I think I’m going to be more willing to “go for it” than I used to be.

  5. May 1, 2012 3:35 pm

    Reblogged this on The Hmong in Me and commented:
    What a great piece of blog and advices to the ladies! I’m re-blogging to share with others.

  6. Claudia permalink
    May 1, 2012 5:34 pm

    Beta men > alpha men for exactly the reasons pointed out here.

    The problem is, women are force fed since at least early childhood that what we should want are the alpha males. It very much plays into the biological triggers of need to procreate with the strongest of the species in order to protect our young. Everything in our society points us in that direction. That we should want “a man who’s confident, successful, athletic, and dominant.” If we don’t, then there is something wrong with us. And our precious babies will all DIE.

    It’s the same way that society tries to make beta men feel like there is something wrong with them because they aren’t REAL MEN like those alphas are. No matter how douchy they actually are.

    It is extremely difficult to break free of that notion on both sides.

    Another problem is, more often than not it’s the douchebag alphas asking us out while the betas pine away complaining about being in the friendzone and we have absolutely no idea they are even interested. I’m sorry, but the friendzone doesn’t exist. Women aren’t things that you put niceness points into to get sex out of. Nothing romantic happens because no one has said anything that clearly states interest – say asking out on a date – or because at least one party isn’t interested.

    Saying you just want to be friends is just a nice way to say: you are an awesome person and I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t want to have sex with you. Attraction is something we have absolutely no control over. There is nothing I can do to make my chemicals react different when you are around. Nothing. Sorry.

    Dear beta men, please start asking us out. With a clear intent of dating.
    Worst case: she will be mean. It may hurt, but really it’s a good thing cause she’s a bitch and you are better off.

    Average case: She is flattered, but not interested. Wait 2 weeks and ask only once more. We have a biological cycle that does effect our attraction. There have been studies that prove that a week out of the month, we are far more likely to be attracted to alpha males because of the chemicals flooding our bodies. Plus I don’t know about anyone else, but sometimes the first reaction is no and then after thinking about it later, my mind changed.

    Best case: you get a date. Need I say more?

    • May 1, 2012 7:33 pm

      Thanks for the great reply, Claudia! I agree with you, beta men need to step up and make their intentions known, ask the lady out!

      And ESPECIALLY thanks for the tip for waiting two weeks and then asking one more time, to account for biological fluctuations and/or changing of mind 🙂

    • May 1, 2012 10:00 pm

      “Women aren’t things that you put niceness points into to get sex out of.”
      Nice one Claudia, very true!

      Ben, agree with everything you said, great post!

  7. Steve permalink
    May 1, 2012 7:58 pm

    No one wants a beta, but they might settle for one.

    • May 3, 2012 10:18 am

      Can’t say that I agree, but thanks for reading and commenting!

  8. May 1, 2012 11:10 pm

    I love your attitude! I am a solo girl too – raising my baby girl solo too so I guess we are a double solo 🙂 Did you coin that phrase – “looking for a beta man” ?? It’s brilliant! (sounding like “better man” with some attitude) Love it!!

    • May 3, 2012 10:20 am

      Thanks, glad you like it! As a Beta man myself, I have to admit that “Beta” = “better” certainly entered my mind 🙂

  9. May 2, 2012 9:06 am

    Ben! I love this blog! As a girl who seems inherently drawn not just to alphas, but to the bad seed alphas, I have got to tell you…it gets old. When I was in my twenties, the drama and excitement and competition for the alpha mans heart was great fodder for stacks of notebooks full of bad (though heartfelt) poetry. At 36, I am TIRED of that shit. Now, when I imagine my perfect relationship, it’s not with some dark, brooding womanizer that makes me work to hold his attention. It’s a normal GUY that can look at me and see ME, who I really am, and love me exactly that way. A friendship, a romance, an EQUAL. Save the macho, bread-winner baloney. Just do your half, I will do mine, and it’ll be great.
    Ben, I enjoy your writing so much. You make my day every time I read your stuff. Great job!

    • May 2, 2012 9:28 am

      Thanks for the kind words Courtney, and sharing your thoughts on how you’ve changed over the years. I hope today finds you well 🙂

  10. May 2, 2012 9:22 pm

    Ben! I swear to you I have been working on a post with the same title for a month. There are things about betas that bother me. There are also things about alphas that bother me. I would say my main issue with betas is that they either don’t seem confident to me or aren’t very smooth.comfortable/good with women and that makes me uncomfortable. And you are correct about some betas being assholes. In my exprience they seem to do this because they think being a dick will make them more desirable (beta in alpha clothing if you will.) The funny thing is I don’t want any man who treats me poorly but the secret is I do want to work for it just a little. Betas don’t really make you do that.

    And I am reblogging this! It’ll be an interesting disuccsion.

    • May 2, 2012 9:36 pm

      Hahaha, it’s weird how certain thoughts and ideas swirl around us collectively… I was thinking about a few different blogs that eventually gave me this idea… yours might have been one, or we may have read the same ones. Feel free to take the title, make it Part 2, continue the discussion!! I’d love to read your thoughts on it 🙂

  11. May 2, 2012 9:23 pm

    Reblogged this on The Narcissist's Blog © and commented:
    This is an interesting take on beta males. Let’s discuss it shall we? What do you like/dislike about beta men?

  12. May 2, 2012 11:53 pm

    Reblogged this on stealthscript.

  13. May 3, 2012 1:21 pm

    Your blog is the first time I’ve actually ever come across this comparison as I realize I divorced an Alpha Male for all the reasons described ie. not being his peer etc. Most people, I’ve heard, are a mix of both with one being a more dominant side. I’ll definitely take Beta Males into consideration, thanks to your post, as I realize that I deserve non-ahole behavior. 😀 Thank you so much for making a difference.

    Pink.

    • May 4, 2012 12:57 pm

      Thanks, Pink– glad you liked it! Personally, I think all women deserve an awesome Beta man, but I may be a little bit biased 😉

      • May 4, 2012 5:14 pm

        LOLOL! It’s definitely created greater awareness as to what is out there, and what to be wary of. Thank you!

        Pink.

  14. Megan permalink
    May 3, 2012 5:30 pm

    I am madly, crazy, head over heels in love with a Beta man!! I’ve never considered him a Beta man (because supposedly that means “lesser” and he is certainly not lesser), but he is everything you described. He didn’t have that much experience with women before me, but damn, he sure makes up for it by being so attentive and giving! Other women passed right by this gem, and now I get to benefit. Thank you, ladies, for putting this man in the friend zone so that one day he could be my love.

    My friends and I call this phenomena a “home base” and “public face”. He’s my introverted and stable foundation as I am the extroverted mingler. It works for us. Over this past year, we’ve melded into playing different roles, which is amazing, too. His confidence is soaring, as is mine, which allows us to grow and become more of who we want to be.

    “But if you give him the chance, the beta man will put in that time and effort, and the nervousness and reserve will be replaced with confidence earned from learning the real you.” This is definitely true. But I also assert that it took me awhile to figure out how to date a Beta man. I’m used to (or programmed to?) Alpha males that take the lead on asking me out. I sort of asked my Beta man out (he was supposedly waiting for me to break up with another boyfriend, which is true, but there is a longer story there). It took several months for me to be patient and learn how to be cared for. He certainly took care of me, a independent as I am, but did it in a way that showed that he wanted to, not because that’s what Alpha males do to show off or show dominance. I found myself trying harder than normal – which is what I typcially did with Alpha men to keep their attention – but he kept telling me that being with me as I am was all he needed. I realized I could breathe a sigh of relief and just be me because that’s all he needed. It was an awesome realization, and so much easier than anyone I have dated in the past.

    So ladies, I strongly encourage you to look twice at some of these Beta men! You’ll thank me! And thanks to Ben for such a great article!

    • May 4, 2012 12:59 pm

      Thanks for the great reply, Megan! You offer both a great example for women and an inspiration to us Beta men that ladies such as yourself are out there 🙂

  15. May 4, 2012 7:11 am

    I think my dearie fits in as the Beta Man. He has a naturally softer voice (which actually has helped him in the working world in directing other people). He was bullied as a boy, lost his father when he was 4 which probably made him a sensitive guy.

    Yes, he did have several girlfriends along the way, then he married ..divorced later 19 yrs (with 2 kids, now adult) and then he and I met. We’ve been together 20 yrs.

    He actually doesn’t go drinking out with guys though he loves a bit of wine. He goes cycling daily but never with a pack of guys. He beats his own drum, so to speak.

    He’s a bit of a socialable loner..meaning he does socialize but is very comfortable being on his own without a profound need to follow the herd of other guys. He has a brother with whom they both get along really well.

    So he is probably an excellent example. He also had a great , respectful relationship with his mother who died a few years ago. Sometimes one can gauge a guy, by the mother-son relationship.

    • May 4, 2012 1:00 pm

      I appreciate your response Jean, and I’m glad that you and he have found each other and are so happy together. Thanks so much for sharing!

  16. Carrie permalink
    May 6, 2012 3:22 pm

    From the standpoint of an Alpha male victim, if you will, I am proud to say I’m in love with a Beta man! He’s kind, sweet, and is willing to do anything as long as we get to spend time together. He’s the best thing ever to happen to my love life.

    I’m so glad others see these beautiful men for what they are. I have several guy friends who are all Beta men, and they don’t think women see them for their hearts of gold. They are some of the sweetest, most passionate guys you’ll ever meet. 🙂

    Thank you so much for this. It’s nice to know there’s more of you guys out there.

    • May 7, 2012 9:23 am

      Thanks for the great reply Carrie, and I’m glad you and your Beta man are doing so well! I’m curious, how did you and your love find each other, versus the experience of your friends who can’t seem to connect with a good woman?

      • Carrie permalink
        May 10, 2012 1:40 am

        Well, my Beta man and I have been friends for over 12 years. We’ve kept close over the years, and he’s been in love with me for about 3/4 of the time. 🙂 We just sort of reconnected, and it has been amazing. 🙂

        My guy friends’ main problem is shyness. They are so used to rejection and even ridicule that they are scared to ever try again. They keep falling in love with girls who don’t look twice at them, and they end up being hurt. 😦

        • May 10, 2012 9:38 am

          Hahaha, I can definitely relate to what your guy friends are experiencing. That could describe me in high school and much of my 20s. Falling for those unobtainable girls is the “safe” bet, but to climb out of that rut you’ve got to realize two things: that crush isn’t really real, it’s an obstacle to your happiness. And, nothing worth having comes easily or without risk and you’ve just got to reach deep inside and figure out how to be more assertive. One big advantage they have is you– you’re a good female friend who fell for a fellow Beta man, so you can probably give them some good advice on how to find women who’d be receptive to them, and how to go about connecting with them. Your man could probably give them pointers too!

  17. May 7, 2012 9:18 am

    Well written and so absolulty true!! There just needs to be more Beta Men out there for us still single women:) I enjoyed reading that!Thank you:)

    • May 7, 2012 9:25 am

      Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it! What are the sorts of men that you typically find out there? Do you think the Beta men around you just aren’t stepping up and making a move?

      • May 7, 2012 10:04 am

        I typically find ones that want you to probe yourself to them before they will take that next step. Theres no ‘chasing’ or for that matter dating the traditional way. Thats just what I am finding here. I am not sure if Men still like to do the tranditional way of dating, like asking the women out, picking her up.. that sort of thing. Maybe I am just stuck wanting something that doesnt exist. It is a different time now, with all the internet dating etc.
        I have no idea why the Beta men here are hard to find. I really dont know why?

        • May 7, 2012 4:40 pm

          Well as a Beta man, I can tell you that we can sometimes need a little “encouragement” from the women to give us the confidence to make that move, especially the younger Betas. Alpha men will often have that physical attraction that makes it relatively easy to make that initial connection with a woman. A Beta man will often feel he’s got to figure out some other avenue to connect with a woman, something that might take a little more time and effort, and sometimes there isn’t the time for that in the initial encounter. That’s why it may seem that a Beta is being wishy-washy and wanting to “hang out” instead of just coming right out and making the move, but what he’s trying to do is to make sure you get a chance to see the qualities in him that (he hopes) you will find attractive when he does actually ask you out. I hope that makes sense?

        • May 8, 2012 8:23 am

          That makes complete sense:)

  18. Kelly permalink
    May 7, 2012 8:50 pm

    What good timing for this post! I went on a first date with a beta man last week and have a second date lined up with him tomorrow. I’ve been feeling a little so-so about him–the in-your-face sexual chemistry is lacking somewhat–but I’ve been trying to convince myself to give him more of a chance, because we do have a lot in common, got along really well, and he is a really nice guy. Thanks for the reminder to keep an open mind!

    • May 8, 2012 9:43 am

      Thanks for sharing Kelly, I hope it works out well, and I’d love it if you came back and let us know how it develops! 🙂

  19. May 10, 2012 2:00 pm

    Great blog and IMO, very true.

  20. anonlolz permalink
    May 10, 2012 7:03 pm

    Blech. I’d rather see escorts.

  21. June 26, 2012 2:35 am

    I am completely sold on the beta men as well…I’ve dated a couple of alphas and they were all disastrous. I’ve always known that it would never work for me with that kind of guy. Ever since I was a kid, I was super competitive about my grades and intellectual abilities (I felt like I had to make up for being so small and underwhelming in some way) and totally focused on furthering my successes. Looking back, I realize that that’s probably one of the big reasons that I never had any luck at all with boys back in middle and high school (and most of college). They’re not interested in any girl who might conceivably outpace them at anything. I’m really glad you brought up that point. Thanks for the awesome post, I really enjoyed reading it!

Trackbacks

  1. The Friend Zone « My Ideal Woman…
  2. The Mating Habits of Beta Men « My Ideal Woman…

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