Simply Solo Spotlight: It’s Not You, It’s … Me?
Here’s Amy!
Today’s Simply Solo Spotlight is written by Amy Veress, author of the blog C’mon Dude…, where you can join her hilarious journey as a single woman in her late 20’s, one Bud Light at a time. You can also follow Amy on her Facebook page.Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!
It’s Not You, It’s … Me?
I’m almost positive every woman has come across one of these fine specimens in her dating life, unless you are one of those luckies who married their high school sweetheart. And you can now close your laptop, look to the heavens, and thank your lucky stars you will never have to endure the dating world ever again. It’s a hairy (Italians), scary (most Germans), yet hilarious (Irishmen) unorganized mess of a world, really. Good dates lead to relationships. Relationships lead to marriage. Marriage leads to children. You live happily ever after and everything falls neatly into place. That is actually mostly true for everyone when you are on the same page with your partner. But then, you hear those famous words that make us girls physically cringe when we hear them. They take on various forms:
“I’m not looking for a girlfriend right now.”
“I just got out of a bad breakup.”
“You deserve better than me.”
“I can’t see myself getting married. Ever.”
… and all of these discussions could have very well been avoided if the guy didn’t f**king ask for your number in the first place! Newsflash dummies: If a girl looks to be in her mid-late 20’s and 30’s, doesn’t have a ring on her finger, and doesn’t look like she is in pain when giving you her number, she probably isn’t going to waste her time being your hook-up buddy for the next seven months without a commitment. I mean, I could be totally wrong here, but when you have a million girlfriends, they talk. A lot.
I’ve heard it all. Some guys will tell you right off the bat, or they may wait until month two that they are not looking for a girlfriend, which is a nice way of saying, “Expect a call or text from me every Saturday night around 1:30 a.m. Oh, and wear that black thong I like.” In this situation, there is nobody to blame but yourself if you are wrapped up in one of these scenarios. He was truthful with you, and you’re the jerk who thought you could change him. Never, EVER try to change a true commitment-phobe. If you’re not on the same level, what are you doing?! You’re emotionally exhausted by trying to make him love you, and he gets sex in return. Um, sweet deal. Kiss that d-bag goodbye and run as fast as you can.
Then you have the guy who has no problem calling you his girlfriend, asks you to move in, is wonderful to you, but every time you bring up the word “marriage,” he completely shuts down. Again, if you’re the type of woman who is happy with her life and will accept the relationship without a ring, that’s great. Some women don’t need that. But most women would like to get married at some point in their lives.
You have to be on the same page. I’m not telling you to ask this friggin’ guy his thoughts on marriage on your first date, but if you’re dating him for a while and are comfortable enough to bring up the topic, do it. It’s going to absolutely suck if you’ve been dating him for two years and when you ask him, he laughs in your face like an a**hole. Don’t. Waste. Your. Time.
It feels like everywhere we turn in our late 20’s and early 30’s, these guys are lurking in the shadows. They seduce us with their charm and dashing good looks and we feel hopeless. We start to put up guards in every relationship we enter into, waiting for the “It’s not you, it’s me” bomb to be dropped. And it’s always the hot guys who can’t commit. GIRLS LOVE A**HOLES. Like, maybe that should be one of the Commandments in the Bible. “Thou Shalt Not Love A**holes.” Or maybe there should be an actual law against it. You can sleep with them, but once you even think you’re falling in love with one, you’re in big trouble. We would all be in hell and in jail. Which might actually be an easier life to live than loving a jerk.
Anyway, here’s a surprise: I actually don’t hate men.
I have a secret for you. I started this post with full intention of calling out guys on their non-committal BS, but about halfway through, I realized something. Why am I the only single friend in my very large group of girlfriends? Well, because they are all married! And now you’re saying, “Wow Amy, no sh**. What are you getting at?” But seriously. Not ALL guys are commitment-phobes nowadays. How could all of my friends be married if everyone is scared of commitment? That makes no sense. I asked a bunch of my guy friends who range from 26-32 years old, and their reactions were surprising. They had no problem admitting that they just needed that right girl to come along and they would have no problem “wifing them up.” (Their words, not mine – clearly).
Ummm, HELLO! Isn’t that what all of us are looking for? We are looking for our knights in shining armor to sweep us off our feet and we need to be picky and not settle for the losers who can’t commit to us.
There’s a plethora of dudes waiting for US. Again, I’d like to reiterate the point of not wasting your time. Oh, so you have no problem getting down and dirty with me when it’s convenient for you, but once I mention that we’re dating, you look like you’re about to vomit? How very Mr. Big of you!
Speaking of Mr. Big, an episode of Sex and the City comes to mind where Carrie is in her Paris hotel room speaking to her (uncomfortably old) Russian boyfriend about what she wants that he won’t give her. She says,
“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other-love.”
Key words being, “each other.” As in, you are on the same level. Most women know what they want and just want to find a partner to share their lives with and up until I wrote this, I was unaware that most men feel the exact same way. Go ahead guys, knock us off our feet. We dare you.
Have you ever been in a situation where you were seeing a commitment-phobe, and for how long? How did you resolve the situation? I would love to hear your experiences and how you are doing now! Us tough girls have to stick together!
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey 
I was dating a commitment-phone for just over 3 years…..yes, 3. We broke up in January and it was the BEST decision I have ever made. I forgot how much I loved life when I was with him, and more importantly I forgot how awesome I am! It feels like it was forever ago and I look back now and can’t believe I was ever in that place. Here’s to really getting to know myself again! I love your blog Amy!! My thoughts and belligerence get expressed through your words!!
It hurts me to see my girlfriends in these dead-end relationships and I hope that women can see this and know that they are so much better off by ending it. Yes, it always sucks coming to the end of a relationship but ultimately you are so much better off with someone with your same wants and needs. Routines are SO easy to fall into, but live your life with no regrets and you will feel so much better about yourself and be in a better mood too! And thanks for the kind words and I’m glad you got out of that situation!
well put Ames! Not all guys are committment phobes. Some of these women are just looking in the wrong places.
Thanks Mike–and I totally agree! And some women think they aren’t good enough or deserving enough of a great guy…wrong. Don’t settle! Also, picking up the drunkest guy at the bar during last call probably isn’t your best bet either.
This is a great post! I totally agree, too many girls hear those magic words “I’m not looking for a relationship right now..” and see it as a challenge, which makes things interesting. And then they act like they “totally aren’t looking for one either”, which absolutely means the opposite in most cases. Then they proceed to give it up on an “as needed basis” and try and act cool about NEVER getting a response to texts, meanwhile driving your friends insane who are repeatedly telling you “yeah, we DO think he’s a douchebag.. and deep down so do you lady”. It’s interesting to think about that maybe just maybe those dbags are also waiting for the right girl to come along. . and not repeatedly aiming higher. However, as independent ladies, these dudes are clearly not on our level, as Amy said, and they are NOT “the one”. So get over it, you probably won’t feel that sad about the overall decrease in drama and you will be much less jaded when the “right guy” does make his way into your life (here’s hoping haha).
110% true! A lot of girls think they CAN be in this lifestyle sans monogamy with men who don’t want commitments (kudos to those who can) but being in an exclusive relationship that is heading in a positive direction is an amazing feeling. Also, when you’re so into someone, sometimes you can overlook the red flags, or warning signs that your friends or family might be able to see. I was told by my guy friend’s fiancee that “your relationship should just come easy.” And I follow this concept in my everyday relationships, whether it be a friendship or a relationship with the opposite sex. Thanks for the comments Jess!
I was always the one seeking more of a commitment in my relationship with my ex-wife, who also happened to be my high school sweetheart. All I can say is, THAT concept is overrated!
Touche Mark! When you hear the term, ‘high-school sweetheart’ you tend to automatically get a warm fuzzy feeling. Not always the case! Thanks for reading!
Well said, girl. By the way, you’re hilarious
Thanks Car!
Where do I even begin…how about always getting the “You are going to make such a wonderful wife and mother. That guy will be so lucky to have you.” Jackass…you could be that guy! I find myself staying with these non committed guys simply because they are fun to hang out with and it is so relaxed. Of course in the end I am left with those words that I always knew were coming. So where exactly do I find these gentlemen who want to wife me up? haha Great post Amy.
Of course it’s so relaxed! Nothing about the relationship is serious. As for finding these gems, I don’t have that answer, but at least you know what you want in a man when he does come along.
I was with a committment-phobe for 8 years. We started dating in high school and had big dreams for our future together. But after high school, he joined the military, and when he came back from basic training I knew he was a different person. He was more guarded and prided himself on not showing any emotion. As time went on, I think that deep down I started to realize that he was never going to commit to me the way I needed/wanted him to, but he even went as far as to take me ring shopping to convince me that someday he would be ready for marriage. So I told myself that I was the exception to the rule. Turns out, he just wasn’t that into me because 5 months after picking out a ring together, he broke up with me. It hurt like hell, but I finally realized I’m better off without him.
Everything you said in this post resonated with me now that I’m part of the dating scene again. I practically felt like you were reading my mind! Guys are so attentive immediately after meeting you and acquiring your number, but no matter how great things seem to be going, I have been nothing but disappointed in how big of jerks they turn out to be. I don’t know what’s worse, hearing the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech or simply never hearing from a guy again after you thought you had a great few dates together. Experiences like that have made me put my guard up. In a way, this makes me sad because love is one thing I have always believed in. On the other hand, sometimes it’s easier to not have to deal with the heartache in the end. Is it just me or do guys just really get a kick out of playing games with us girls? Seriously, where have all the gentlemen gone?
Regardless, I’m keeping the faith that, somewhere out there, my prince charming is still looking for me. I just hope he doesn’t take too much longer to find me. 😉
Thank you so much for your post Mindy! I have made it a life-goal to settle for nothing less than a gentleman. We may not think they exist in the modern world (especially in NJ!), but they are out there! People always say that when you stop looking, that’s when it happens. And they also say that God has a plan for everyone—his plan for me must be to serve as the third wheel to all of my friends! But all joking aside, I’m happy you got out of that relationship and to realize that you’re worthy of a great guy who has your same interests at heart 🙂
Well in my case, I fell for my best friend. We would go crazy not talking to each other, we loved each other’s company- he makes me laugh like hell and Ive never felt so compatible with anyone else. We both are two very different people yet we are so alike. It was just recently I knew I was falling for him and I had the talk with him because it was killing me, but he tells me he doesnt feel the same. I had to end the friendship although he asked me not to leave him, I just could not go on with it.
He is 29 years old, and has never been into an actual commited relationship. Sometimes I wonder if he really never did feel anything for me or is he just another commitment-phobe.
I miss him like hell but life goes on. I know someday I’ll find someone better.
To be honest, I’ve been in one of those friendships but I was on the opposite side of it than you are on. We had the talk multiple times but I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. We worked through it, it took some time, and we are in a good place now. How long ago was this and would you ever be open to being friends again?
It was just recently, maybe a month ago. Ive not spoken or seen him since then. took him off my phone contacts, my facebook and skype.
Im not too sure if i can be friends again because its happening for the 2nd time now. I got over it the first time, but its really frustating that its happening again, you get what i mean?
so Amy, since u experienced it, you never had any sorta feeling for him? was it a true genuine friendship all along?
I know what you mean. And it was a genuine friendship all along. He wanted something physical and I never brought it into that territory to save everyone’s feelings involved. He has a girlfriend now and our friendship is better than ever. Hopefully someone comes along and sweeps you off your feet, you start to feel indifferent for the romantic feelings towards him, and he can forever remain in your life as friend.
The only commitment-phobes I’ve ever come across were the ones who I slept with too easily/too soon. Is there a correlation or what?!?! It took me a while to realise that there are no shortcuts to a great love, and if you do try to rush into things, they will invariably blow up in your face in a big cloud of ‘I’m not looking for anything serious right now’-ness.
I wholeheartedly believe that any so-called ‘commitment-phobe’ is actually just a guy/girl who hasn’t found what they’re looking for yet. Then again, oftimes, they don’t even know what that is and will string you along for the benefits if it’s convenient to them. But if you ran in too soon guns-blazin’, then can you really blame them? Commitment-phobes get too much bad press I reckon. If you remain true to yourself and stay real about exactly what it is you hope to get out of the deal, you can’t go far wrong/expose yourself to too much hurt.
It’s much easier to brand someone a commitment-phobe than investigate whether our approach was the dealbreaker, rather than their apparent pre-conceived unwillingness to venture out into perilous relationship territory. Nah, I don’t think anyone writes off a relationship under all circumstances, no matter who what when. It’s just that we sometimes don’t press the right buttons (or press them too soon)… and sometimes we forget that we, too, have buttons that need to be pressed in return!
You mentioned above that think you slept with this person too soon. There might be a correlation or there might not be, but do you really think that is the deal-breaker? Is there a rule for how long you should wait to “give up the goods?” I feel as though there should be an emotional connection (unless you have had too many cosmos that evening) before you feel comfortable with someone.
I love your approach on commitment-phobes as someone who hasn’t found the right one yet. Being honest with someone can sometimes hurt, but it is the best thing to set the tone for a relationship. I have seen too many girlfriends get hurt by the dishonesty correlated with casual relationships, when many girls fall much harder than the man.
Thank you SO much for commenting. It was smart, witty, and enjoyable!