The Sweetest Revenge
First of all, yes, I’m still alive. The past few weeks have been absolutely crazy. I’ve been working my butt off (interestingly, my pants aren’t any looser); I went to San Francisco for work/excessive eating (explains the pants); I closed on and moved into the new house; and I’ve had some other major life changes. Things are going fantastic, but I just can’t seem to catch my breath and find time for Simply Solo.
However, the other night I was reading some blog emails, when I came across a guest post submitted by Aditi Lalbahadur. I loved the post so much that it forced me to make some time for the blog. (I promise I’m doing my best to get back in the swing of things soon!)
Aditi is an Indian-born South African researcher who is trying to save the world, one research report at a time. She loves chocolate pinotage, chatting with friends and dreams of being a writer when she grows up. I hope you enjoy her post today and show her some love in the comments.
Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!
The Sweetest Revenge
Sunday 9 a.m. marked the exact one-year anniversary of my discovering that my ex was a lying cheating bastard. I found an email on his laptop while searching for humane ways to kill a mouse (a mouse had taken refuge in the house and had been outsmarting our traps for weeks).
It turned out that while I was in Scotland that year completing an MA, my then fiancé of two years (we lived together for seven), decided to shack up with his colleague IN OUR HOUSE (I have yet to figure out if she had anything to do with the mouse)! She’d moved out just in time for me to move back in, but they managed to keep their affair a secret for another two months while I was home. The ensuing events were all very dramatic. Let’s just say that it put my newly acquired MA in Peace and Conflict Studies to the test! Eventually though, I moved out. And the next day she moved in (pleased as punch, no doubt, with herself that she ‘won’).
Since then I have gone through the soul-crushing, simply exhausting journey of picking up the pieces of … pretty much everything. First, it was myself. Physically. From off my best friend’s kitchen floor (eventually she hauled me up). Then, my hopes, my dreams, my heart. Through the disbelief, the grief and anger, all I have wanted for him was sweet, sweet revenge.
I used to day dream all the time that he would come back to me, shriveled and soaking wet (because he would be caught in a freak thunderstorm, obviously) cold, shivering and miserable on a bitterly cold winter’s day. It would crush his heart when I opened the door to my apartment looking gorgeous and slim and barely dressed (because it would be warm in my apartment!) with a hunka-hunka sweet (and topless) man doing something very manly in the background.
And then, at some unknown point, with me barely even noticing, the revenge dreams stopped. I started to realise that my pain and grief were my own. And that actually, while I was grieving for my lost life. I was also grieving for my lost self – the person I’d thought I always wanted to be. The person I could have been.
I began to realise that I had a lot of my own stuff that I needed to deal with. How did I make such a bad judgment call with him? Who was I without him? What do I work towards now? What did I want for my career? … DID I want a career? What was the meaning of life???
Wading through that stuff has been exhausting! It still reduces me to a helpless freak-ball of tears. Without fail, once a month, you will find me lying naked in my bed with crazy-hair, howling like an orphaned child. Because seriously, discovering the purpose of life is HARD!! And while I haven’t figured it out just yet, I have made awesome discoveries about me – the habits I don’t like, the aspects I want to keep and the person I want to become.
I’ve learnt that I’m ok to be alone, as long as I’m happy. I’ve realised that I want to live a full life – to be the best person that I can be; to travel the world; to enjoy exciting new experiences; to meet incredible people; to cherish every moment and learn what I can from these. I want a lot of things for myself, and I’m finally discovering how to get them ALL ON MY OWN!
I’m starting to see my power, my strength, my courage – my perfect imperfection. I can see that the one thing I have absolute control over is me. I see that I will be happy – because it’s my choice. I am not a victim to life. I am responsible for it. And I am responsible for me.
It’s starting to give me great pride to think that I have faced my worst fear, and to realise that I came out of it just fine! It’s not peaches and roses, but I’ve come a very long way from off that cold cement floor nine months ago. From all this, I have grown, I have changed, I have become a wiser, smarter, stronger, more caring and compassionate, I have stronger bonds with the people in my life. And suddenly the world is a space of infinite possibilities …
… And then last night it hit me. The sweetest revenge would be for my ex to never face a life-changing experience. The sweetest revenge would be for him to never be forced to look at himself; to confront his demons and have the opportunity to overcome them.
The sweetest of sweet revenge would be for him to stay just the same.
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.