Simply Solo Spotlight: Online Dating Tips For Women

Today, we have a very special honor. Raúl (remember him!?) has written a guest post for Simply Solo! Strangely enough, and because I’m a glutton for punishment (just kidding), Raúl and I have become friends since we very briefly dated. Since I consider Raúl to be a renowned expert on some of the intricacies of online dating, I asked him to write about his top tips for women when it comes to online dating. I’ve also got my fingers crossed he’ll write a post at a later time about playing games (tips for doing so, and how they work – because damn it, sometimes they do! Raúl taught me that.). So, please make Raúl feel welcome as he gives us the low down on what men look for when online dating.

Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Contact me at: simplysoloblog@gmail.com. 

Online Dating Tips For Women

Photo courtesy of schaeferdesign1

If you are like me, you are (were) somewhat wary of diving into the world of online dating. While it is not as uncommon to meet your soul mate on the Internet as it was even a few years ago, it still has a negative stigma. Our parent’s generation would never have fathomed meeting somebody this way. First piece of advice … get over it! The year is 2010 and people are busier today than they were even five years ago. The bar scene is looted with alcoholic creepers and Lord knows you don’t want to date somebody with which you work. Inevitably there will be somebody reading this who disagrees with the last statement and I know there have been plenty of long-lasting and happy relationships that developed both from a bar and at work, but let’s get real. More often than not … it won’t work. If it will bother your mother that much, concoct a lie. Say you were introduced through friends or that you met at a charity function or something. Twenty years from now your mother will be dead and 50% of relationships will have begun on the Internet or whatever we are using by then and you will be able to consider yourself a pioneer. Having said that, let’s get to the topic at hand.

I dove into the underbelly of Internet dating during the first half of this year. I was moping around my apartment feeling sorry for myself after my last relationship ended (somebody I met at work). My roommate’s girlfriend suggested a free online dating site called Plenty Of Fish. If you are a reader of this blog, you are already familiar with the aforementioned site, so I will not have to explain how both incredibly fun and how incredibly creepy it can be. Yes, I said creepy. Ladies, the creeps are not only male here. All that being said, there are some genuine people, both male and female, who are looking for a potential long-term relationship.

I have viewed countless profiles since I embarked on my quest to find love via the Internet and can unofficially say that I’m somewhat of an expert on female profiles and would like to offer some advice to the female readers of this blog who either are currently dating online, or who wish to give it a shot. I am writing this under one assumption:

You are not online simply to give yourself a quick ego boost and flirt with guys. You genuinely are ready for a relationship and not a rebound.

The first thing a man will notice is your profile picture. I know, we are all pigs and care only about sex. Well … you are not entirely wrong. We men are very visual, more so than women. Your main profile picture will determine how many men view your profile. The picture of you sky diving or rock climbing from a distance shows you have an adventurous personality and is super cool, but don’t choose that one as your profile pic. You want a nice picture of your face and smile. A seated picture that is relatively straight-on is best. You don’t need to give a whole body shot because you are not trying to attract the creepers whose opening line to you will be about all the things he wants to do to you. A little (and I mean little) cleavage is OK and preferred. Guys want the best of both worlds. They want a sexy woman who they can take out on the town but also one they can introduce to their mother. These pictures are best taken after work during a happy hour where you are relaxed and a little loose but still look professional. DO NOT have any pictures of you with ex boyfriends OR with other girlfriends. Many times I’m left wondering which woman I’m actually e-mailing (it’s usually the uglier one).

This is the kind of book I imagine Raul writing. Photo courtesy of Sarah Houghton-Jan

After a man has viewed your pictures, at that point he will read your profile. You are trying to attract intelligent and interesting men who have their shit together so you need to be specific … but not too specific. There are exceptions to every rule, so if you set hard-line rules, then you might deter the potential man of your dreams from e-mailing you. Here are the rules you need to abide by:

1. Never say you have a racial preference – I find it perfectly acceptable if you have one, and understand that if you prefer white men to black men that doesn’t make you a racist person, however, it makes you sound like a racist person and unless you want your date to pick you up with his confederate flag flying off his jacked up pickup, just don’t say it.
2. No need to explain you can be a bitch sometimes – We know this already.
3. Do not explain that you are loyal, trustworthy and caring – Listen, if all we want is loyalty and trustworthiness, we will go out and buy a dog. This might pull on the heart-strings of women, but this is not the case with men … at least not initially.
4. Do not say, “I’m not into mind games or players” – This will not deter somebody who plays mind games or who is looking to play you. No need to say it.
5. Do not say, “I’m just looking around” – This will deter some potentially great guys. Men want to feel as if you are only talking to them. If you are talking with five guys and seeing who pans out, just keep that to yourself.
6. If you have children, there is no need to say they are your world and that they come first – Congrats. You are a halfway decent mother.  That’s like also saying “I pay my taxes” or “I’ve never been to prison” or “I don’t beat up old ladies.” You are simply doing something you are supposed to do. I’m not making light of it, but it is assumed that if you are a single mother that your children come first in your life … more on single mothers later.

Now that we have gone over what not to say … here’s what you should say:

1. Your career – Briefly say what you do for a living. You are a looking for a career-oriented guy and they are attracted to career-oriented women.
2. Your goals in life – Don’t talk about settling down and raising a family with a three bedroom rancher and a white picket fence. Are you seeking a master’s degree? Do you one day want to complete a full marathon? Are you interested in writing a book one day? Tell us about that.
3. Typical Friday night – Where do you like to go? (Don’t give details here, you don’t want stalkers). What do you like to do? What are you not doing that you wish you were doing?

 OK, so now you know what to write about yourself. Let’s talk about setting parameters:

1.  75 miles is best – You really don’t want to meet somebody who lives farther away than this because, well, the first meeting can get awkward. If he is committed to driving a long distance, he will want to plan a bigger event and you could potentially be roped into hanging out with somebody all day that you don’t like or are not attracted to.
2. Set your age limit plus or minus two years – If your ideal man is between 25 and 35, say 23 – 37. The last thing you want is that incredibly awesome 36-year-old man to view your profile and not be able to say a word to you. No need to venture outside of the two-year margin … that gets creepy.
3.  Set it so you will only be contacted by those who “have not messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex” – Just not a bad rule to follow.

Now that you have your parameters set, it’s time to describe your first date … in which case you should not put down ANYTHING. That’s right. This section is useless. Do not write that you want to go parasailing or horseback riding as a first date. This is not “The Bachelor.” Men do not want to spend $100 or more on their first date with you. I know that sounds a little shallow but it is true. Suggesting such an elaborate date makes you look like a gold digger. Dating is expensive for single men so be mindful of that. A coffee shop or happy hour are the best first dates and make it during the work week if possible. That way you have an out (gotta get up for work tomorrow) and they can be as long or as short as you would like them to be.

Lastly, for single mothers, dating is the most difficult for you. From a guy’s perspective, you need to add the following two rules to the list:

1. Do not make it sound like you are looking for a baby daddy – Good guys won’t be deterred by your children unless they feel like they will be a provider for your children by the time you reach the third date.
2. Be slightly more conservative with your profile – There is a sick assumption out there that if a woman has a child, they are more likely to sleep with you. I’ve heard men describe children as “f… trophies.” Just be cautious.

Well, I hope you all found this to be helpful. If you are new to the online scene and want my input on your profile, I will funnel some inquiries through Catherine. And, I’m happy to answer any questions you have in the comments. Happy fishing!