I woke up this morning with a breakup hangover. Maybe also an actual hangover, considering I had two mojitos and a beer last night with Chef. Suddenly, I feel bothered, affected, almost traumatized by my breakup. What caused my hangover? Perhaps it was a rough dating week – men have been annoying me left and right. Perhaps it’s because it’s Friday. I am the only person in the history of the world to hate Fridays. Fridays used to mean that I had the weekend ahead of me of time with my ex. I used to love Fridays. Now, I know I have a weekend ahead of me of trying to keep myself busy, distracted and happy. Dates or no dates. I know Fridays aren’t the end of the world, but for some reason I’m always really bummed out. More than likely, it was the two-hour conversation I had with my ex-fiancée last night.
Please don’t ask me why I called him. There are a million reasons, and at the same time, no reason at all. I miss him; he was my best friend for seven years. I was tipsy, which probably increased my likelihood of making poor decisions. I’ve been really sick this week with a UTI (sorry, UTI=TMI). Whenever I’m sick, I become vulnerable. My ex took such good care of me that being sick wasn’t such a big deal when I was with him. Being sick always meant a demonstration of his love for me. I think partially the reason he was always so nice is because I was so good to him when he had his kidney transplant several years ago. Either way, being alone and sick sucks. I’ve had to wait on myself, tuck myself in, offer myself a milkshake to make the pain go away (ice cream is ALWAYS the answer), basically look out for myself. Which is doable, but hard. And a reminder of all I’ve lost. Partially, the phone call was about me wanting to feel loved again. I wanted to know if he still loved me. I don’t know why it matters, I just miss being loved. I know it’s not exactly healthy.
I had a slight dating panic attack (DPA) in the shower this morning. I’ve been dating for sport, but suddenly I felt panicked to find someone. To actually find someone to be with. Happily ever after. People look for years and don’t find anyone. What the hell am I doing not looking? Why has this all been fun and games for me? I’ve got to get on it! I’m no spring chicken! I must find a life partner ASAP! As you can imagine, this was not a fun conversation to have with myself in the shower. Especially since I’ve really been doing well before today’s hangover.
Part of my problem is that I know that my ex and I will not be getting back together. Whenever a guy I’m dating hears about my almost nuptials, they ask me if I think there’s a chance we’ll get back together. No, I don’t think that would be possible. April 19 was the end of our relationship for good. May 8, when I moved out of his house, perhaps even harder than April 19 (especially because my ex had proposed that day I moved in, how appropriate), put the final nail in the coffin. Things happened that were unforgiveable and irreparable. You don’t just cancel a wedding lightly. I know that. But strangely, when I woke up today, it felt like today was April 20. Or May 9. Not September 3. And the phone call reminded me of how much I missed him, that the forever with him that I thought was guaranteed to me is gone. I am hungover from my breakup.
I know it will be OK, that this is just a normal setback in getting over someone. And I apologize for the emo blog post, but in my defense, this blog is not a dating blog. I’ve started to call it a dating blog for simplicity sake and I have to stop myself. This blog is a starting over blog. It’s about recovering from losing such an important part of your life. Everyone goes through heartache and loss at some point, and this blog has a lot to do with recovering from life’s setbacks. It’s not just about blind dates and crazy guys on the Internet. So, the emotions I’m feeling today are all part of my journey. And it’s not always easy, unfortunately.
So what should I do with my breakup hangover? Take two aspirins, sob quietly into a pint of ice cream while watching P.S. I Love You (um, one of the most depressing movies of all time)? Take two aspirins, go out on the town with a bunch of friends and get crazy, and induce an actual hangover for tomorrow? Maybe I’ll take two aspirins, write an emo blog post and see what happens the rest of the day. Done and done. Also, I refuse to beat myself up over calling my ex. I’ve done so well that this set back is forgivable, I think.
What do you do when you have a breakup hangover? Please tell me I’m not the only one facing these set backs.
To cheer myself up, I watched the viral video from two years ago “I’m F*ing Matt Damon.” I know it’s old, I know there are way funnier things on the Internet now, but this video always cracks me up. So I will share it with you, in case anyone else is having a rough day. Happy long weekend.