Why I Hate Mr. Big
Photo courtesy of Alina Sofia
Lately, I’ve been watching old episodes of Sex and the City on E!. I’m a latecomer to SATC; my dad was way too cheap when I was younger to even consider paying for HBO. It wasn’t until I lived on my own that I developed a fondness for the show. Hell, I’ve even shelled out good money for the mediocre (at best) movies. But, I have a bone to pick. It’s been eating away at me for years, and it’s about time I said my piece.
I hate Mr. Big. Okay, let me be fair. I have a healthy distaste for Mr. Big. What I hate is Mr. Big and Carrie together. He might be a fine enough person, but he was terrible for the leading lady of SATC. And considering that many women have turned to this show as their essential guide to dating in your 20s, 30s and 40s, I feel that I must address why Mr. Big is terrible for Carrie. Please don’t judge the amount of thought I’ve put into this list (clearly I have too much time on my hands):
- Bad influence. Ever notice how the worst qualities in Carrie came out when she was with Mr. Big? He didn’t bring out the best in her; he brought out the worst. When Carrie was with Mr. Big, she put herself last, droned on and on about her problems with him at the expense of being there for her friends, smoked, and was needy and self-destructive.
- Once a cheater, always a cheater. Mr. Big cheated on Natasha with Carrie. I will say it again: Once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s likely he’ll cheat on Carrie as well.
- Wants what he can’t have. Mr. Big only wants Carrie when he can’t have her. The minute she moves on, the minute she finds someone else, he swoops in and finds a way to ruin everything. He only wants what he can’t have – because the minute he has her, he does something to screw it up.
- Commitmentphobe. I’m thinking mostly of the show here, but the main problem between Carrie and Mr. Big was that he couldn’t commit to her and love only her. It took him years and years, and breaking Carrie’s heart multiple times, in order to finally decide he wanted only her.
- Not that cute. Oh yeah, I said it. Mr. Big was simply not that cute. And, he was older than Carrie and a heavy-duty smoker. He wasn’t going to age well, I’m just saying.
- Two failed marriages. By the time that Carrie and Mr. Big finally got together for good, he had two failed marriages. Red flag anyone?
- Stood her up on her wedding day. Frankly, I don’t care how big of a deal Carrie made the wedding or how nervous he was with the situation. He should have spoken up. This is the girl that he had been courting for years, and supposedly was “the one.” Man up and walk down the aisle.
- Lazy in getting her back. After standing her up on her wedding day, he didn’t do hardly a thing to get her back. Did he send flowers? No. Did he drive by her house and beg her to talk with him? Nope. Did he write her a letter about how deeply sorry he was and she was his whole world? Ummm no. Did he approach one of her friends and try to get a message to Carrie that he loved her and wanted her back? Sadly, no again. What did he do? He sent a bunch of e-mails to her. Sure, they were love letters, but they weren’t even written by him. Are you kidding me? You stand a girl up on her wedding day, humiliate her and break her heart into a million little pieces, and a couple of e-mails is the trick to getting her back?
- People don’t change.
Okay, maybe he's slightly cute. This is a good pic of him. Photo courtesy of Det. Logan
Okay, so that’s the real reason Mr. Big is terrible for Carrie. I am a firm believer that people do not change. And before you begin to tell me about your friend’s brother’s roommate’s uncle who was once a terrible, cheating bastard who sucked the people in his life dry, found some version of God and is now the best person ever, works at a soup kitchen in his free time, is the best husband ever, best father ever and is a whole different person you wouldn’t even recognize him … just stop. I believe that these stories, for the most part, are myths. These are the stories that we tell one another so that we give people a second chance.
It’s easy to give someone a second chance. It seems hard, but it really is much easier than the alternative. Just giving up on someone, accepting them for what they are (and what they are not) is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. It’s much easier to believe in the fairytale that this person might somehow change, like your friend’s brother’s roommate’s uncle. (And seriously, why have I never heard one of these transformational stories about someone’s brother, best friend, mother or husband? Why is it like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon to find someone who has changed?)
It’s kind of like the theory in “He’s Just Not That Into You.” When a guy treats you like crap, don’t believe the stories of someone else’s boyfriend who treated her like crap but then suddenly changed and now they are living happily ever after. They are the exception. The rule is: People do not change. Take them or leave them. But do not try to change them. And do not lie to yourself and say they have changed when they simply have not.
What irks me the most about the Carrie/Mr. Big dynamic is that the message SATC sends women everywhere is that after years and years of Carrie dealing with Mr. Big’s crappy behavior, he finally changed. He finally became the man she wanted and needed. See, persistence pays off. Waiting for a crappy guy to finally get on his white horse pays off. Accepting sub par treatment from a man pays off in the long run.
It doesn’t. This hardly ever works. If the Carrie and Mr. Big love story were real life, we’d see that she will be hurt. Again and again. He’s never going to be the man she needs.
I’m self-aware enough to know I’m projecting a little here. And over generalizing, maybe just a smidge. A couple of weeks after my ex fiancé and I broke up, I recall someone asking me, “Do you think he’s changed?” In that moment, my “people don’t change” theory was born. So, I apologize if my tone is a little alienating – I’m working through some stuff here.
Before you think I’m a complete pessimist, I should concede that I think it’s possible that people can change. But this kind of change hardly ever happens. The average person will not see a truly changed person in their lifetime. I think that something huge has to happen to inspire change in someone. It needs to be something that alters the fabric of their life so deeply that they completely reevaluate everything. Sadly, I think that some people really believe that they’ve gone through this kind of transformation, only to realize months or even years later that they are back to where they started. It just doesn’t stick.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this – do you believe people change? Any Mr. Big fans out there that can tell me why I should give him another shot? Have you ever witnessed real, transformative change first-hand?
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Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey 
I’m totally with you. What woman would ever choose Big over Aidan? I never, ever understood that.
I know, I would take Aidan any day!
Yes I totally I agree with you! I really dislike Mr Big, I don’t understand why she married him! Aiden is way better! 🙂
I personnally always thought she should have stayed with Ayden. He trully loved her and would have done anything for her, but I guess Ialways knew she would end up with Big.
Yeah, I thought Aidan was an obvious choice. I guess she just didn’t feel that spark… even though they are fictional characters, I always felt bad for Aidan. He cared about her so much and just couldn’t win. I’d take him!
I totally agree with you on every point that you’ve made. There is especially one paragraph that stood out and spoke to me:
“People do not change. Take them or leave them. But do not try to change them. And do not lie to yourself and say they have changed when they simply have not.”
I have a Mr. Big in my own life and I have done the lying to myself part trying to convince myself that he has changed and pinpointing only the good things about him to those close to me when they attempt to tell me that they know he hasn’t changed in an effort to convince them of his “change” as well. I’ve been with my Mr. Big for almost seven years now and things always keep going right back to how they were when we first started dating.
The entire time I was reading your post it was as though you had written it about my relationship because my Mr. Big meets every single one of those criterias… and it’s suddenly dawned on me why I never had that warm fuzzy, happy feeling when Carrie and Mr. Big ended up together. As a matter of fact, it sort of made me whoozy instead!! Lol!!
I apologize for such a long comment but I really did enjoy your post!! Have a wonderful day!!
Mari,
Thanks so much for your comment and for sharing your story. It’s so hard when you care about someone so much – so naturally, you want to see the good things about them. You think you are seeing the good – but sometimes, you are ignoring the bad, which is not healthy at all. I think it’s funny that you felt woozy when Carrie and Big ended up together – I felt the same way! Sorta sick to my stomach about it.
I hope that things either improve, or you are able to break the cycle, with your Mr. Big. Best of luck! Thanks for your comment!
Hello,
I was reading this old post. How are things going for you after all this years ?
I had been with my “Mr Big” for 10 years, and earlier this month I found out he is having a baby with a woman he met 1 year ago. He didnt have the balls to tell me this, I found out when I took a look at his Facebook page. He had be telling everyone how happy and excited he is because they are having a girl, needless to say he posted pictures of the two together.
I was devastated, but deep inside me I knew he was going to cheat on me, he has a pattern ya kno?!
So even after me seeing the photos and comments on pb, him telling me yes this is true I still wanted to work things out and kept laying to myself saying he prove to me he loves me and we will have a good life together. Well 1 week ago I cought him on a lie and that opened my eyes. I said good bye to him, and I am planning to stay away. It’s very hard, but I have to do what’s good for me.
Now, there’s this one guy that I will call him my “Aiden” he wants me to give him the time of the day and even when I know he is a lot better for me then “Mr Big” I am having a hard time letting go of my feelings for my “Mr Big”
I know I am not ready for a relationship yet, but I am scare my “Aiden” will walk away.
I don’t know what to do…..
Ara
Ara,
I’m doing great thanks for reading.
I’m sorry that you are having this experience but be strong. You deserve so much better and you need to get as far away as possible from that man. No contact. That’s how you can move on.
Now on the other front, I would suggest you trust your instincts and not jump into another relationship. You need to focus on healing you. And you also need to work on figuring out the reasons you chose a guy like Big and still wanted to work things out with him. I think you may find that you need to work on how you feel about you before you work on a relationship with anyone else.
Take care and good luck
AMEN! I can’t even add anything to this – you said it all. And no, I don’t think your pessimistic or projecting. I think it’s the absolute truth. I disliked that asshat, and how SATC tried to make a love story out of his horrible behavior. Oh, yeah, soooooo romantic to watch a women go through absolute SHIT in order to get the guy. Who does practically NOTHING to make up for it. Oh, sorry forgot the evidence of him being “the one” included his ability to cheat on his wife. As in, even his marriage could keep them apart! Or Carrie’s own relationship! Because cheating and treating other good people like crap can be romantic!
Shut the F up!
And PS? I recently watched a couple episodes where Carrie is with Ayden – and she is treating HIM like crap! Personally – I don’t really like Carrie either. I think, most of the time, she’s whiny and shallow. In addition, she has these great (albeit stereotypical) friends, but I don’t see her being all that great of one to them.
Don’t get me wrong – loved the TV show. With a huge gigantic rock of salt.
*your = you’re
*”…even his marriage couldN’T…”
Wow. Is it Monday?
Nikki,
AMEN!! Glad to see someone who feels as strongly about the topic as I do :). You are totally right about how Carrie treated Aidan – she seemed to think she could get away with like anything (which, basically she did, when he took her back after cheating). I find her to be pretty whiny a lot of the time as well, and not a great friend. But, there are some episodes where she redeems herself. So I’m torn. But I like the show overall. I think I’d want Charlotte as a friend the most – she seems the most real to me.
Ah, but Big represented New York City: larger than life, over the top, indulgent, insensitive, excessive, bringing out extremes.
In the end, Carrie was in love with NYC and reflected that through her relationship of choice. Aiden represented small-town charm, comfort, caring, sensitivity and respect.
She chose New York City over love of a genuine man.
Note to self: never choose New York. It’s scary, dirty and people randomly scream at you while you walk to the subway.
Aiden all the way, baby! 😉
I recently visited NYC and decided that I could never live there and I totally don’t understand why so many people do. Great to visit (date?) but horrible for a lifestyle (marriage?).
Crystal, I agree – I can’t imagine having a family in NYC! It’s also just too fast paced for me. I need a little bit of a calmer environment to not feel incredibly stressed out!
Mikalee,
I can buy that argument. Never really thought of it that way. But I am with you – Team Aidan!
(PS, LOL on “It’s scary, dirty and people randomly scream at you while you walk on to the subway) 🙂
Excellent analogy with The Big Apple.
NYC is beautiful, exciting, and fabulous to live in – for people who understand it, and appreciate the privilege and wonder of living there. PS: Carrie should have left Mr. Big long ago, not NY. Aiden was boring.
Living in NY is a privilege…? Seriously? 😉
What makes you think so? I’m curious to hear the reason and look at things from other perspective.
If one feels it’s a privilege to live in NYC, it’s because they are living a life of affluent privilege. There is no middle class in Manhattan — you either have the means to live well, or you live in squalor. If one can barely afford a safe dwelling, then they can hardly afford to partake in the restaurants, the arts, and the shopping that make up so much of what NYC idolators boast about. Mostly, thinking NYC is great has more to do with what New Yorkers think it says about them: that they are tough enough to endure the crime, noise, congestion, rudeness, and expense of living there.
Lol. Great comment. So true!!! 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
I lived for more than a year in NYC and it dawned on me that it’s the best city in the world to be in when you’re young. I’m in my early twenties and it was a blast to live there. However, I do recognize that it might not be the best city to live in once you factor in family life. And that is maybe why I kinda like Mr Big. He is just like the city I love. It makes me be more adventurous, reckless and willing to fully explore my options. It allows me to be my usual commitment-phobe without being judged, as it does occur in my hometown. I would never settle for Mr Big, but if I’m looking for a good time, I’d definitely will count on him for that. (This comment will come quite late lol)
I 100% co-sign this post.
And now I’m also kicking myself for never having stopped by before. You’re writing is inspired – even when you get a “little alienating” 😉
Will definitely be back.
Skye,
Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting! I really appreciate your kind words. And glad I have someone to back me up on how I feel about Mr. Big 🙂
I totally agree with everything. I’m rewatching season 4 at the moment and I can’t STAND him! He has no respect for Aiden, is so whiney and needy and has no understanding of boundaries. Carrie too thinks a friendship with Big is more important then Aiden and for that it angers me more. I hate that Carrie never ended up with Aiden, he was perfect. And I do not and never will like Big. My love for Sex and the City is not like I remember! Carrie is far too whiney and she dresses so trashy! (In the series)
Big…the man I love and hate. Sometimes he was great. Sometimes not so much.
I’m with you though…people don’t change. I think the exceptions are few and far between.
thoughtsappear,
Thanks for your comment. I can’t say I’ve EVER loved Mr. Big! I pretty much hate him the whole series, lol. I think you are right – exceptions are few and far between. I guess it does happen, but the liklihood is very slim.
You’re not a pessimist – you’re a realist. I’m a huge fan of that show (hate the movies), and I feel the same way. Big is all wrong for her, Aidan is perfect, and Big isn’t gonna change.
But here’s the rub: We (women), for the most part, will still always go for the “unattainable” Big persona. It’s just the way we operate. When those of us lucky enough to find an Aidan actually manage to keep him, we (the restless, Carrie-type women) tend to get bored. Big keeps us on our toes. He keeps us guessing. He keeps the passion alive.
Is Big healthy for Carrie? Probably not. But being a passionate, whirlwind of a woman herself, she would’ve continued to break someone like Aidan’s heart over and over, just like Big was breaking hers.
Oh, and a quote (author unknown) I just read: “Optimists laugh to forget – pessimists forget to laugh.” Just based on this blog alone, I’m guessing you lean more towards the optimist side of the spectrum. 🙂
Katie,
I hated the movies pretty much too. I watched them because I sort of felt like I had to… but I didn’t enjoy them nearly as much as the show. Actually, I think the second one was downright awful!
I think you make a really good point that Carrie would ctoninue to break someone like Aidan’s heart over and over… I never really thought about that. If what Carrie really wanted was an unattainable man, well, she got it in Mr. Big. At least that takes her off the market from hurting the good guys.
I appreciate you saying that I lean more to the optimist end of the spectrum…. I so want to! I don’t want to be a pessimist at all. Being a realist is a lot more flattering sounding, so thanks 🙂
I need me an Aidan! I don’t want an unattainable man! Except maybe in the beginning… it’s always good if a guy is just a little distant with me in the beginning. I know, I totally suck. But after you’ve got me, you’ve got me. No need to play any more games.
You will find your Aidan – I have no worries about that. When the time is right, you will. 🙂 And don’t forget – Big finally was attainable at the end. Just like the guy you described. 😉 (Don’t worry – I know what you mean – no one wants to question how their significant other feels after they’ve established that they’re in a committed relationship.)
I know I’ve been a comment whore lately, but wow, Bangerang Rufio. Totally nailed it. I agree with you and really sympathize with Mari’s comments.
I will play devil’s advocate and say people can ‘change’ (or rather make changes), but only through deep self-evaluation and much, much effort. Most people don’t have the patience or desire to really do this, so lasting change, real change is often a myth. A fallacy. More or less, people learn from their previous mistakes and work hard not to reveal or fully commit those mistakes again. Is that change? I don’t know.
My ex noted to me that he jumps into relationships quickly and has a hard time being single. He saw this with his mother (great example). I don’t know why that is an excuse, but this is not something that will ever change. He will never take the time to understand why he does this, as long as he is in the comfort of a relationship.
KD,
You are funny – your comments are ALWAYS welcome!! I agree with you, true change takes a lot of effort. I don’t think most people who have claimed to have changed have even done half the amount of work they should have. I definitely think people can learn from their mistakes, but I guess I’m thinking bigger picture – once a terrible person, always a terrible person. I think you can improve bits and pieces of yourself, but you are who you are. Take it or leave it.
I totally hear you about your ex – I have some girlfriends the exact same way. It’s sad. I think that is the sort of thing that you could force yourself to rectify, if you wanted, though. So, he could force himself to be single for a while and find himself…. he might not change his core instinct to not want to be alone, but he can work to improve himself.
Hahaha! “Bangarang Rufio!” That totally cracked me up. It might be because I’ve had 3 glasses of wine. But still. I’m totally gonna start saying that when I agree with someone. Love that movie. 🙂
LOL, Katie…. Um…I didn’t even know there was a movie attached to that quote. LOL! I am so out of pop culture!
When I saw this post in my subscriptions, my first thought was of Mr. Big, the band, and I was like “how can anyone hate the group that brought the world ‘To Be With You’?” My second thought was that Aidan was awesome. I only ever caught the show here and there on TBS reruns, and I’ll be honest, it was usually because I couldn’t find the remote after “King of Queens.” That said, Big always made me want to change the channel, but if it was an Aidan episode, I kept it on.
Can people change? Sure. Does the entertainment industry do a disservice to everyone by continuing to give us these scenarios in which the wayward, insensitive party is finally redeemed through the perseverance of the dedicated, long-suffering Other? Yes and no. In one sense, that’s a hugely central theme to so many human narratives, and there’s something very life-affirming about stories in which the love of a good X turned Y around. In another sense, though, it can set people (not just women) up for all kinds of unhealthy expectations. The bottom line, to me, is that you, whoever you are, are too good to have to settle for someone else’s repeated crap. Everyone deserves better than that. Far be it from me to tell anyone else how long they should hang in relationships where change seems impossible, but it does seem right to suggest that changing someone in the first place is a pretty bad place to start a relationship or through which to maintain one.
Team Aidan.
I get sad when it’s an Aidan episode because I know she didn’t pick him and I often have to change the channel.
I LOVE the Aidan episodes!! I particularly like the one when he took her back. I know it didn’t turn out well, but for that one moment in time, I thought things would work out for Carrie and Aidan!
Chris,
“Does the entertainment industry do a disservice to everyone by continuing to give us these scenarios in which the wayward, insensitive party is finally redeemed through the perseverance of the dedicated, long-suffer Other?” I would say absolutely YES. I really don’t believe (as you read in this post) that the love of someone can change someone enough that they become a person worth loving. I agree with you completely that you should never have to settle for someone else’s repeated crap. It is truly a case of fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I feel less pity for someone who has been cheated on twice than once. Maybe that’s not very compassionate of me, but it is what it is. But I think you are really right that you should never start a relationship or move through a relationship trying to change someone. Accept who they are. If they aren’t good enough and you must change them, then move on.
Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment! I really appreciate your perspective.
From what I’ve seen, people only change when they are sick and tired of suffering the consequences of their actions. So, the best thing any of us can do (to help them) is move on. Then, the doofus may reach a point of pain where he/she does want to quit the behaviors that lead to suffering.
Sil,
Interesting perspective. I hope you are right – that people are able to see the error of there ways through their own suffering. Part of me just doesn’t see it… often times, people like that just keep doing it until they meet someone who puts up with it. I hope I’m wrong.
I love SATC! Do I think people change? They do. Without a doubt. I am not the same person I was at 21 or 30 or 35. I have matured, I’ve gone through a divorce, my life has completely changed several times and the things that are important to me have changed. I have my own “Mr. Big” and we have dated on and off for 16 years. I married someone else and while I was in that mess he had a baby with someone else. Through the years we have gone through many things together and seperately. We are currently back together again and we are certainly not the same as we were at 21 or 30 or 35. Individually we are different and together we are different and we will continue to grow and change over the years. That’s what makes it interesting. Are our basic beliefs about life the same? Absolutely. But we are always evolving, learning and changing.
Thanks for your comment, planher! I see what you mean about changing through time. I think we all do that – I have certainly changed the past couple of years, gradually. I guess I should be more specific. I don’t think that a person suddenly turns from a bad person to a good person, or the opposite. I don’t think that someone can get caught cheating, the next week apologize and proclaim they are a changed man. I just don’t think it’s possible. But gradual change, and maturing, throughout the years is totally normal.
I’m glad to hear that things seem to be working now with you and your Mr. Big. And it is important that you guys are sort of growing and changing together.
Thanks again for your thoughts and for sharing your story!
The only Mr. Big I know sings “To Be With You.”
Great song.
Love that song. That’s my jam.
LOL! I didn’t know the name of this song, but I do like it. Thanks 🙂
100% with you on Mr. Big and why he was wrong for Carrie, but not so much with you on the people can’t change.
If nothing else, I have to believe that people can change, because if they can’t then what does that mean for me? Though generally I have very few regrets, there are definitely things about myself that I’d like to think have changed with time and there are things I don’t like about myself that I’m consciously working to change now.
Maybe I’m just fooling myself and I’ll never change the parts of myself I dislike, but I prefer to think that change is possible and that I can be a better person.
Ashley,
I completely hear you. It would be really depressing to think that people don’t change at all… I think we evolve over time and I think that we are able to change and learn from our mistakes. But, I don’t think sweeping widespread change of someone’s belief systems or behaviors often happen. If you are a misogynist, you don’t just suddenly learn the error of your ways and treat women fairly. It just doesn’t happen. BUT, I think you can realize that you are a misogynist, and make little changes to try to treat women with more respect. I think that’s possible. But inside, I bet there is always part of you that is a misogynist. I don’t know, obviously I’m not an expert… it’s just what my gut says. But, just like you, I’m trying to improve myself… but I know my core values and personality traits are never going to change.
I totally agree with this post. I always hated Mr. Big. I recently re-watched the episode where he’s moving to Paris and Carrie gets all excited about going too only to have him deflate her. Mr. Big is a jerk and Carrie’s foolish to keep letting him back into her life.
Sasha/Brunch Girl: Thanks for your comment. AGREED! And I know the exact episode you are talking about. What a jerk.
The more I watch Sex and The City, the more I cannot stand Carrie. I think when I first started watching it I was all about being a Carrie. Single, independent and doing her own thing in the city. But watching the episodes more and more again it’s so blatant how immature, self-righteous, judgmental and over analyzing every single detail of Mr Big, from the tone of his voice on the messages he left her to over thinking 3 days of no sex. I mean this is the girl who actually stalked Mr Big at church after he told her he likes to take his mother to church alone.
Yea Mr Big wasn’t all that great, but in context he may have just picked up on her insecurities and childish ways and was hesitant to be committed.
One thing that I have caught myself doing in almost all of my relationships is exactly everything Carrie did. Over analyze every detail, every text, etc and fret over it. I’ve caught myself spending more money than I could on an outfit because I needed to be fabulous for something that quite possibly only I would really notice..and maybe a lot of it had to do on some subconscious level seeming that I lived and breathed this show.
Mr Big was probably not the best for Carrie.. but Carrie wasn’t the best for Mr Big either..
A lot of people gave him so much crap because he had cold feet at the wedding, but could you blame him? A man that was twice divorced and didn’t want to seem like a spectacle of a man, asked Carrie to keep it low key and it ended up being an over the top circus. And it’s not like it wasn’t discussed.. Carrie knew and still let it get carried away… and in a moment of reasonable doubt, he realized his mistake and turned around when he easily could’ve just kept driving… but she didn’t see that..
anyways that’s my small rant
I totally agree with you on virtually everything you’ve said here. The only time I think someone is motivated enough to change is when he/she experiences a life-threatening illness. For example, say the person’s beaten cancer. Chances are good that this person will look at the world in a much different way, and hopefully will make changes for the better as a result. (Of course, he/she might also just turn bitter; one never knows.)
The old cliche about a leopard never changing its spots is not just some stupid saying: its true many more times than not. I don’t believe this is simply a matter of being cynical — just truthful.
Erma,
Thanks for your comment. I think you have a good point about a life-threatening illness. I think those types of challenges are the only thing that can change people. But even then, I don’t think it’s guaranteed. I actually forgot the saying about the leopard never changing his spots… it’s spot on.
Thank you!
Ahh, too much to say about this post.
I agree that Mr. Big was NYC, and Carrie was all about her love for NYC, the messy city with hidden treasures – and that is how I describe Mr. Big. He’s messy, he’s glamorous with a few hidden treasures that pop out every so often.
I think of myself as a Carrie, so I can relate as to why she chose Mr. Big. I -hated- him, but I know why she chose him over Aidan…
It’s that freakin’ passion and romance that sends us women over the top.
And funny how I’m actually going through something similar right now!
Simmarah,
That damn passion and romance. It clouds our judgment sometimes! I guess I can logically get why she chose Big over Aidan… she just didn’t feel the sparks. But I still wish she’d chosen different!
Agreed!! I never liked Big, or Carrie all that much for that matter. Let’s not forget that Carrie also cheated on Aidan. Who couldn’t love Aidan?? Never saw the Mr. Big appeal.
Karyn,
You make a good point, Carrie would also fall into the once a cheater, always a cheater, column. I really don’t see why she was so into Mr. Big either. I guess I just need to accept it…hopefully I’m never in a similar situation!!
People DO change. What most fail to understand is that no one changes for anyone but them self. And most of the time, this happens between relationships. Partly it’s the introspection after a relationship ends and partly because we really can only change as people when we are alone.
I mostly have male friends. I have seen ALL of them change. Not once have I seen them change in a significant way during a relationship. It’s typically after several relationships with the same issues happening. After a while people start to realize the common denominator in failed relationship after failed relationship – themselves. Only then will the change come. Well, sometimes it does take a bit more after the realization. Boys are kind of slow.
Case in point: A really good friend of mine had a very long series of 3 month max relationships that ended badly. Very badly. He treated them like trash. Then one summer he stayed single and pretty much changed his entire life, including going back to school. The next person he dated, he’s now happily married to. And treats her very well.
In a relationship, you should for the most part take them or leave them. Treat you like ass? Yeah. Leave now. Bring out the worst in you? Leave as fast as humanly possible. Carrie/Mr Big is a good case in point. So is Carrie/Aiden in the other direction.
But more importantly, we want someone to love us for who we are. Why is it OK if say, Carrie demanded Big to commit, but god forbid he ask her to give up her love affair with shoes. Men are different, but they fundamentally want the same thing: someone who loves them for who they are, not who the girl wants them to be.
However, good relationships are about finding a middle ground. Little changes and compromises are possible. But I don’t think that’s the kind of change you are talking about.
Claudia,
“We really can only change as people when we are alone.” I never thought of it that way. That’s a good point. If you are changing for yourself, or if it is more of a natural progression as you have described here (ie learning on your own from your mistakes), I would think that change is more likely to stick. I guess what I take offense to is the people who mess up in a relationship (often get caught) and then proclaim that they have changed and please take them back. I don’t think it’s that easy to change. It takes a long time to learn the lessons. And a lot of people slowly revert back to who they used to be.
You are right, we all want to be loved for who we are. I just don’t think you should try and change the person you are with or stand by and wait for them to change. Take them or leave them… they are what they are. In my opinion, there is a chance that someone could improve themself if they want, but I don’t think there is as much of a chance that they can change themselves 180 degrees. You know?
Thanks for your thoughts and your perspective, Claudia!
I do think people change. I think it’s possible and way easier than one might think…however relationship dynamics, once established, are almost impossible to change. So your first point about Big being bad for Carrie (and vice-versa in my opinion) is the part that probably wouldn’t change. He would always be bad to her even if he were capable of becoming a better person.
Other than that, I totally agree with your assessment of the situation. Now you should write one about why Aidan was perfect. Or maybe I should write that. And the fact that he keeps popping up makes me project that the message of SATC is that Carrie picked the wrong guy. She totally picked the wrong guy. Batman is a moody asshole. The Green Hornet was a stud.
I have more as always, but I’ll stick with that for now.
Always with love,
Crystal
Crystal,
I think that’s interesting point and distinction that you make about relationship dynamics. There are things that I did with my ex that I know where not the best behavior, but he let me get away with it. These are things that I’m mildly ashamed of, but they just became part of our dynamic. I wouldn’t even consider doing those things to Chef, or hopefully anyone else I end up dating. It’s really hard to change what you have with someone once those unspoken rules in your relationship are established.
I do think Aidan was pretty close to perfect. But maybe it’s just in comparison to Mr. Big he shines so brightly? Carrie totally chose the wrong guy. And I think that’s probably one of the main arguments that have resulted from this show. I think it tells you something about the person which side of the argument they are on. A lot of times it can tell you if they’ve had their own personal Mr. Big, or if they’ve BEEN Mr. Big. It also tells you how much they value a “good guy” version “passion” and “spark.” I just genuinely want to marry an amazing guy. Passion/spark is great, but at the end of the day, I want a really good person I can trust and rely upon. I want an Aidan 🙂
Interesting post Catherine. But I must disagree with one point. People can change. Men can change. However, a man’s current girlfriend or wife may not be the beneficiary of that change. It may be the next girlfriend or wife who reaps the benefits. Here’s why. When a person treats you badly, he (or she) will always treat you badly. Because he knows he can. When that person has a revelation or epiphany (for whatever the reason) and decides to change. I think he can. He just may not be able to change and stay with the person he is with. To change sometimes requires a change. It may not be fair but in most cases, it’s true.
Jeff,
Thanks for your comment. This resonates with me. If I am going to admit that people do change (and some commenters are swaying me slightly), I would have to agree that it’s hardly the case that the man’s current girlfriend or wife will benefit from that change. The guy will be a complete commitment phobe, cheat, treat the woman awful, but then when he learns his lessons and has positive change, it will be the next woman (that suddenly he wants to marry, interestingly enough), that will enjoy the change. Such BS. But important to remember if you are trying to A: change someone or B: take someone back when they claim they’ve changed. But I think once you take someone back after them treating you badly, they know they can get away with it again (they did once). I don’t ever want to be in that situation with someone.
Let’s also remember how flawed Carrie is as well! She cheated on Aiden with Big. She was trying to change Aiden and vice versa. Big and Carrie never really tried to change each other – but both needed to change on their own and figure things out to finally be together. I wouldn’t choose Big over Aiden, but I am also NOT Carrie. She chose in the end who was perfect for her. People have ups and downs in their relationships and sometimes timing is just off. The one thing that always rings true between them is their genuine love of each other, acceptance of their “faults”, and finally willingness to do what it takes to work on things and understand each other better. Love is hard – it isn’t a fairy tale.
KittyKate,
Good points… you are right that Carrie is not angel herself. To be honest, I never really liked Carrie that much, so maybe her and Mr. Big were perfect for one another – equally flawed. I think I have a problem with putting myself into the main character… so I keep thinking about what I would do… but the thing is, I wouldn’t have done a lot of the things Carrie did in the first place (particularly, the cheating). So it’s not exactly fair to put myself in her (fabulous) shoes, because she already made decisions that means I’d never be in those shoes.
I appreciate your comment and thoughts!
The only time I liked Charlotte was immediately following the wedding that didn’t happen, Big showed up and Carrie was being hustled away by her friends. Charlotte yelled at Big and it was shocking. She finally wasn’t spineless.
I don’t really have an opinion of Big but this concept of change is interesting. After my ex and I broke up, I questioned the relationship and tried desperately to discover what I did wrong. I asked a friend about change and if it was real. He said: “It’s not so much about change because people will eventually tell you who they really are. It’s really about what you choose to believe. People are always true to their nature.”
People share who they are, little by little. We learn about them, the good and the ugly, and when they make poor decisions that affect us… we want/hope they will change and make better choices. I don’t see it happening. So we decide if we can live with the bad choices other people make and go from there.
Pammy Girl,
I LOVED how Charlotte acted right at the wedding that didn’t happen. That’s EXACTLY how I’d want me friends to treat the man who just stood me up at the alter!
“It’s not so much about change because people will eventually tell you who they really are. It’s really about what you choose to believe. People are always true to their nature.”
Your friend is so right. I think we are all certain kinds of people, but you usually are who you are. You are belief systems and traits that are with you for a lifetime. You can try and change the decisions you make, knowing your flaw (and trying to improve yourself), but you are the same person inside. And the person you are with should take you or leave you. If they decide to take you, they can appreciate the things you do to make yourself a better person, but they should understand and accept you for exactly who you are inside.
Thanks for your comment and perspective!
I always thought Carrie and Mr. Big, and what their relationship stands for, set a horrible example. I know a lot of people who stay in truly shitty relationships, or cling to and romanticize their failed relationship, because they buy into the Carrie and Mr. Big syndrome. Having a tortured relationship and running back to it whenever you feel weak does NOT mean it’s a “love” worth fighting for. The deeper into a shitty relationship you get, the more you get invested, the more you feel the need to stick with it, the more you need to validate that staying with that person was the right thing to do. It’s kind of like gambling. The more you lose, the more you need to continue gambling in the hopes of winning your money back. You start to hope you’re just going to break even when we should all be playing to get ahead.
OMG, Beneath…. I couldn’t have said any of this better myself. EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY! Particularly liked, “The deeper into a shitty relationship you get, the more you get invested, the more you feel the need to stick with it, the more you need to validate that staying with that person was the right thing to do.” I wish women everywhere could read this and learn from it!
Thank you 🙂
Catherine, Catherine, Catherine. No! We disagree again.
I have been a fan of SATC since high school, so first, let me say you’re wasting your time watching it on TBS and E!—do yourself a favor and rent/buy the seasons on DVD.
Second of all, I love Mr. Big. For many reasons. First, you cannot say that he was the one to bring out the worst in Carrie (she crazy all on her own), she smoked with other lovers (Burger, some with Aiden, The Russian). Second. Once a cheater? You must be forgetting that CARRIE is also a cheater—she cheated on Aiden with Big.
Wants what he can’t have? That’s the story of every person in this world. We love a chase. And BFD, he swooped in when she was dating disgusting Aiden (granola loser) and The Russian (old annoying loser).
Commitmentphobe? So is Carrie, let’s be honest.
Ugly? Ok. But so was Aiden, so was The Russian, so was Carrie’s Twenty-something Sam…basically everyone Carrie has dated is pretty hideous except the politician, but he was into piss. So whatever.
People don’t change? Maybe they don’t. But in that case, Carrie is and will always be a cheater so therefore she deserves a cheater, too. Stop romanticizing Carrie—she’s a screwup too. Don’t get me wrong, she’s quirky and funny, but she ain’t perfect.
Mr. Big is successful, fabulous, and yeah he’s made some mistakes. But I think there is something attractive about him—something he brings to the table that no one else has. Maybe Carrie and Big have a relationship no one understands…and isn’t that what it’s all about?
If you haven’t read Sex & The City, the actual story, you might want to. Their relationship is completely different.
-L
Lucky!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. How can we have such similar life experiences and be different?? haha 🙂
First of all, if you put Aidan down one more time, we may have to take this outside (jk-ish haha). How can you deny that he’s a total hottie?! I mean, yeah, he started to lose his hair there for a bit. But otherwise, he’s a total catch. I would chose Aidan over Big any friggin day.
I do want to read the book- I’ve heard from a few people that it’s vastly different from the show. I think it’ll round out my perspective a bit.
You are right, I am romanticizing Carrie. I have the habit of doing that when I watch shows/movies – I put myself in the shoes of the main character and all I can think about is what I’d do in the situation, and of course, I don’t think I’m much like Carrie at all. So I tend to forget some of the crappy things that Carrie did. So, perhaps she and Mr. Big are made for each other. I find Carrie to be kind of an annoying character most of the time, and I hate Mr. Big… so it seems fitting they end up together.
The main thing I have a problem with is that this show seems to send the message that someone can treat you like crap for years and years, and then someday they’ll change, and you’ll reap the benefits of that change. Suddenly, you guys will be happy and live happily ever after. I just can’t get past how I feel that Mr. Big/Carrie’s relationship represents this. I can just imagine women everywhere watching Mr. Big be a commitmentphobe, and then how at the end he chose Carrie and she was “the one,” hearing these women saying, “See! Mr. Big chose Carrie at the end. My dick boyfriend/ex boyfriend/husband/etc will wisen up and choose me too!” Honestly, I don’t think this happens that often. Maybe time will change my perspective.
Hey, I don’t know if you had a chance to see my friend’s post about Mr. Big… it seems to align a bit more with what you are talking about 🙂 https://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/02/18/simply-solo-spotlight-why-i-love-john-james-preston-mr-big/
People can change Catherine. They do it all the time. Heck, isn’t that what this blog is partly about? Is it easy for people to change? No. But do they change? Absolutely. All the time.
Ghetto,
I guess the distinction I’m making is that sure, everyone is capable of changes here or there. I don’t think that most people have all out personality or character changes. I can improve my driving, I can try to be more open to love. I, however, cannot change my personality or my genuineness as a person. I just don’t think that people are capable of sweeping changes where you are like, “Wow, who is that person? Hardly even recognize them, they are so different!” I just haven’t seen it happen. But you are right, this blog is partly about improving myself… so hopefully, some change is possible! Thanks for the comment.
Mr Big.. I call him Mr Pig. Very frustrating that Carrie could be interested and trust in him after how he has treated her.
I’d have dropped and forgotten him after Season 1!!! I wish Carrie could too
Agreed, Yvette! Thanks for your comment.
First time reader of your blog… Just wanted to say a year ago I was all aboard the “people never change” bus but somehow someone came into my life when i least expected it, and it has changed me for the better.
I have always been a cheater and very commitment phobic but when you meet the right person it will change you. It may take time and trials but both parties will be different and for the better.
Carrie and big needed all that drama and heartbreak to weed out who/ what they really wanted = each other
Love the post
Tiff
Thanks, Tiff! Appreciate your reading and commenting. It’s interesting to hear from someone who actually changed themself – thanks for sharing your story. You may be right about Carrie and Big, the drama did get them to where they ultimately ended up!
The sad thing is that alot of women are attracted to Mr. Big -types….men who do not bring out the best potential of a woman.
Well written post, Catherine.
Yes, agree totally one cannot change a person. The change needs to come from within.
Jean,
You definitely need to be with someone who brings out the best – not the worst – in you. Thanks for your comment.
Wow, I had never thought about some of those. But you are so right!
Thanks! Glad someone agrees 🙂
Oh my gosh, I love this post!! Hahaha… I looooathed Big but I felt like they kind of deserved each other. Carrie’s just as self absorbed & materialistic like Big is most of the time… I looooooooooooooooooved Aidan but thought they were just way too different… and I HATED (and hate is a strong word) what they did with Aidan in the second movie. You know what I mean. *sigh* Aidan would never!!! 🙂
Mandi,
You are so right! That didn’t feel real to me either. Aidan would never have done that. Glad you enjoyed this post…. I’m glad you agree with me 🙂
I agree with you completely. I’m going through a similar thing, and I was so disheartened that SATC sent out the message that she waits around, and ultimately ends up with the person who brings out the worst in her. It’s also unrealistic, I’ve used the Mr. Big excuse so many times and it’s just destructive – one day I’ll be able to free myself I hope. All the best with starting over!
Sonny,
Good luck to you too! We gotta fight the SATC myth 🙂 Sometimes a guy is just a bad guy…. a bad guy for us, and brings out the worst in ourselves. And there isn’t a happily ever after.
I love that you used the “Mr. Big” character to bring up the question of change. I too fell into a type of SATC coma during the first year and it didn’t help that my ex physically resembles him and is as devoid of true, un-materialistic character as Big.
However, I do believe that people change. We have to in order to grow and sometimes just do as a result of the variety of experiences in life an people we meet. I think that the real question,( taking into consideration SATC and “He’s Just Not That Into You”) has more to do with your ex changing to become the person that you hoped he would be or whom you mistook him for. In most cases, I find that this type of hope for change would necessitate a near death experience, a visit from three ghosts or for them to have someone treat them as badly or worse. In my ex’s case, he would also have to cut the umbilical cord.
Another way that I like to look at it is to take comfort in the fact that if he doesn’t change, the girl that he’s with now is not living the fairy tale life that I torture myself imagining them having. She is probably staring into the mirror asking herself what it’s going to take to get her to jump before she’s thrown.
Thank you again.
Thank you for your comment, Eli. Your last paragraph particularly resonated with me… wow. I really hadn’t thought of it that way. I mean, you are so right. I imagine him living this wonderful life with her. But really, if people don’t change…well, she’s in for it. Thanks for opening my mind to that. I appreciate your insight and your sharing your story.
I must say that the SATC-people did women no favour by letting Carrie get back together with Mr. Big.. and MARRY him, for God’s sake! That was just so unrealistic – like spinsters daydream.. not out of this world. OK, it was beautiful, it was romantic, but girls: things like this.. does.. not.. happen. I feel bad for girls and women who may now think that t h e i r own Mr. Big is going to pop the question anytime now.. So not going to happen. 😦
Aidan was the man for Carrie. They were both creative, with bohemian streak, plus they had an honest & mature relationship (after Carrie had cheated on Aidan, they broke up and then got together for 2. time and then it was honest). I mean, Jesus, have you seen how Carrie dresses when she is with Mr. Big?? SATC movies have shown her as Upper East Side clone! Nothing left of her old self… such a pity..
And one more thing: If there was one woman for Mr. Big, it was C h a r l o t t e, not Carrie. Charlotte, a brunette (Mr. Bigs 2 ex-wives were shapely brunettes and men do not change that easily – they have their “type”, the type of women they marry.. and NOT) with conservative clothes was just perfection. I cannot see a stock broker type being into boho chic.
In real life Carrie would have never married Mr. Big. One thing I used to love in SATC was that it was so real. Gorgeous women got dumped, as happens in real life too, they chase after dreams.. and they never come true. They have to learn to trust themselves and each others.. This is what I loved. But it all ended in season 6 and it’s 2 final episodes. Now I like to see SATC just for it’s fashion. Nothing more.
(As for hating Mr. Big for cheating his wife: I can understand that feeling. But he is probably a cheater by nature and personality and up-bringing – one cannot change a man like that. My own father was that type of a man, he had other women despite of my mother being a beautiful woman and devoted wife. Such is life. Mr. Bigs of this world carry on marrying their barbaras and natashas, and cheating them with carries. But they always end up marrying barbaras and natashas, over and over again.)
Great comment – totally agree! And gotta admit, I’ve never imagined Charlotte with Mr. Big, but I do wonder if that would work. I think Charlotte needs a little more attention and fairy tale than Mr. Big could offer, however. Thanks for your comment – glad someone agrees!
Oh goodness…I am trying to get over my latest Mr. Big. I know, he never works out – in real life, unlike the show, he never works out. But as for Aiden – that’s my problem too! I have an Aiden trying to snag me now….and I’ll remind everyone here what the problem is with Aiden – sadly, there’s just no spark! And so you know it’s just not a good choice….argh.
LSMA,
I totally think you can have a spark – and a good guy. Just gotta give yourself time to find it, without settling for the Mr. Big or Aiden (if you don’t have a spark with Aiden) in the meantime!
OMG It’s so funny to me that I just read this…I am in the process of breaking up with my boyfriend (our third break up, my first time breaking it off) and in my blog I named him Mr. Big because I said our relationship reminded me of Carrie and Big’s in that I was hoping that after years of it not working and him taking me for granted we could give it one more try eventually and everything work perfectly just like Big and Carrie…and then I read this. And it reminded me all the reasons that I know I need to leave and also reminded me that I, too, don’t believe that believe really can change unless something dramatic happens. I’m still wavering about how I feel about breaking up with him because I was afraid he would change all of a sudden and I would miss out on it, BUT this just reminded me that maybe men change in my fantasy world but in reality that doesn’t happen often and takes a lot of time.
Growingfelicia,
OMG! YOU (and women like you) are the exact reason I wrote this post! I’ll have to go check out your blog but I do hope you were able to stop the cycle. Because the odds of him changing after this many breakups, I would say, are probably slim. Now, if you stayed with him, hope you don’t mind me being brutally honest!
I believe people change. But majority, not for the better. I fell in love with who i thought was the nicest guys and 2 years later he changed into someone i dont recognise, broke up with me and not 24 hours later had someone else in his bed. People do change. mainly for the worst.
I’m sorry Tahl…that sounds awful. And I hate to say but I sorta agree with you.
Totally and 1000% agree with you! I too get totally and completely involved in the lives of the fictional characters I watch. Watching the relationship of Carrie and Mr. Big unfold was painful. There were so many red flags from the beginning. The constant pain he put her through and then doing that on her wedding day, a day that every girl dreams about is just not okay! For him to get mad at her because she wanted a bigger wedding than 70 people is ridiculous. Him and the Russian guy (Alexander P) were losers!!!
Aiden was the one and you can see the love between them when they saw each other again in the second movie. Come on, like the years have been kind to him!!!
I’m a SATC fan. I own all the episodes. Big was not a good guy, but he’s the guy Carrie wanted. She’s a flawed character. She, like many women, would wear good-looking, credit score killing shoes because she liked the way she looked in them, even if they caused her great pain. Big is just a really fashionable pair of shoes that don’t fit yet look really good on her. And we don’t often say it out loud, but Carrie enjoys money and what it can buy her. Aiden didn’t have that. The Russian did, and she ran off with him immediately. She never really loved Aiden the way he loved her (and I’m not sure why he loved her, she’s too shallow for him). I know this is crazy, but I liked her with Berger and his crazy self. He made her laugh. He was smart and creative– witty, and a writer, like her. He went to Prada with her. He turned out to be a a spineless insecure jerk, but at least he was fun for a bit (except of course for the bad sex in the beginning). And, he coined the phrase, “He’s just not that into you.” He was a genius! ha!
Big standing Carrie up at the wedding is unforgivable. Completely. But even before that, he let her go and didn’t want her back until after she moved to Paris. Big. Red. Flag.
Anyway, I love analyzing SATC. Great post.
Just Me,
I love analyzing SATC too! I kind of like your analysis. I never really thought about the money connection. But it totally makes sense. Berger is probably the only anomaly in that considering he wasn’t that successful. And while I hear what you are saying here, I was never a fan of Berger. But you’ve given me a new way to think of SATC and Carrie/Big’s relationship, so thanks!
This is awesome! I noticed it and had to read because I always call my ex “Mr. Big” and have recently had to deal with the “he will never change” thing and get myself off the rollercoaster.
I will definitely take the time to read more of your blog!
Jenny,
Glad you were able to get off the rollercoaster – it’s hard, right? But imagine the possibilities once you do 🙂
I have my own Mr Big. I agree with you that people don’t change much over the course of their lives, but I do think that men grow up (and some do it very late – 30s, 40s, and some never). Essentially, I think it’s when they are happy with their position in life and they stop chasing whatever their ego tells them to chase (women, career). Like Mr Big, my Mr Big never promised anything and in the end left to see the world and have a job in another country (aged 27). Two years later, he was sure he wanted me. It took some months but in the end I moved to be with him. This was over 15 years ago. He is still the same man, just grown up.:)
Interesting! Thanks for sharing your story. Growing up and changing is different to me. I’m glad Mr. Big grew up for you 🙂
Hello, Catherine!
Me too, I also hate Mr. Big, plus, I think there is an implicit message to girls who watch this show worldwide: “See? If you go blonde, have the perfect haircut, wear high heels anywhere, afford buying some Chanel purse, then you can do anything, and that does include getting the man of your life, no matter how badly he treats you, even when he´s a complete jerk”. I don´t like that.
Cheers!
You said it well, Carol! Thanks for getting on the anti-Mr. Big bus. Maybe we can take over the world. 🙂
I love Carrie, but as someone who finally kicked her own Mr. Big to the curb for good… she’d be better off without him 🙂
Glad to hear you kicked yours to the curb… and that I have another person on my side 🙂
I have been ranting about this to all of my friends. This is the type of stuff that sets us all up for unrealistic expectations and unhealthy relationships!
Agree. In real life, the “Bigs” of the world never come around. Ten years. Count ’em, TEN years Carrie waited for that guy while he messed around. Not cool.
You are so right!
I hate mr big too… he’s a bitch LOL
So after breaking up with my bf, and a painful summer of trying to move on, I moved to a new city (sounds drastic, but fallowing my dreams and finally getting my masters). To make myself feel better, i started re watching SATC and it just pisses me off to see Carrie, cheating on Aidan, calling off the wedding and ending up with Big ! I It gives the message to women that their crappy relationship will change, and that their bf will want to marry them ! not even that, he ditched her on their wedding day ! Who does that ! The Assholes shouldn’t win. Guys like Aidan should win ! Anyways, I totally agree with you 🙂 Glad I got to vent about it too haha
Ha, thanks Mel, EXACTLY! Glad to hear someone else echo my same sentiments 🙂
Agreed! 100% .. love SATC, never ever liked Mr. Big.. and what a stupid name.
Haha, definitely a stupid name 🙂
I agree 100%. I would take Aiden over Mr. Big any day.
It would’ve been a nice fairy tale for Carrie to end up with Aiden, but I feel like her relationship with Big makes her more relatable because a lot of women have a Mr. Big in their life (usually their first love). While I get upset with Carrie every time that she goes back to Big, I have to remember that I would probably do the same with my first love. That one percent of hope that us women have is enough to keep us interested. As Carrie said in the second movie, “It wasn’t logic, it was love.” Sometimes love isn’t logical. While it sucks that we sometimes make silly decisions regarding men, it’s true and real. Carrie isn’t a role model by any means, but she is someone that you can relate to.
Hi Catherine 🙂 I came across this post after wondering what everyone thought of Carrie and Aidan’s relationship versus Carrie and Big’s. In season three, when she cheated on Aidan after she knew everything Big put her through, allowing herself to be ‘killed all over again’ by him was terrible, but I can relate. Just like Carrie, I’m indulgent, carefree, dramatic, and I have the curly hair thing going on too (albeit tighter curls, hehe). I used to think my boyfriend was Mr. Big. I have a big crush on Mr. Big perhaps because his dark hair, nose, smile, mystery and overall charm remind me of my boyfriend. He, like Mr. Big, more or less accepts me for who I am and puts up with a lot of my shit. He is, however, selfish at times and that’s been difficult for me to stomach at times. Anyway, I’ve realised it wasn’t so much my boyfriend’s faults as it was my faults that I seem to struggle to change/improve. But you know what? Every time I stop nit-picking, realized what I’m dealing with and once I learned to love him and admire him for who he is, he suddenly ‘changes’ and became who I wanted, hehe.
The thing is, I think we fool ourselves and blame the other person and it’s all about the other person changing. We bring our egos into the equation and it’s all over! We act like we’re better than the other person and know better for them. Well you know, people aren’t perfect. And it’s time for people to be more honest with themselves and see that maybe they like someone who drives them crazy. Maybe part of them wants someone would humiliate them. Maybe they want someone who constantly mirrors their own flaws back at them! That there’s a reason for every relationship we get into: there’s going to be some aspect of the relationship that reveals what shit we need to work out, and until it’s worked out, we continue the cycle. For instance, I have a guy friend who’s like Aidan. On paper, he’s the guy I should be with. He’s nice, I feel sometimes like we’re probably more on the same wavelength and relate to each other better, but it won’t work. He’s too ‘safe’. He’s too ‘nice’. He’s also slightly effeminate? Hehe 🙂 And I’ve contemplated leaving my boyfriend for him, but I already know it won’t work out. Part of me feels like it’s taking the easy way out. Like I don’t deserve him. And I most likely don’t. He also doesn’t have the other important qualities I’m looking for. Plus me likes the bad boys! But at least I have a self-aware one 😉 And thankfully there have been more good times than bad and he’s not a commitment-phobe like Big. Thing is, maybe if Carrie weren’t always nit-picking with Big, realised that she likes to move onto the next level faster than he does (think of when she was agonizing about Aidan not having sex with her when they only started dating for one and a half weeks, crazy right?) and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, she’d see him trying to meet her half way. Funnily enough, that’s exactly what happened in the movies! Sure, he did still stand her up for her wedding, a truly asshole thing to do, but she eventually realized as well what she might have done that contributed to his action, and they were able to work it out. Also, you might have had a problem with the emails not being from his heart, but Carrie didn’t care. Carrie saw him making a step. It may not have been huge, but it was something. And once she started appreciating the little things he did, their relationship transformed.
At the end of the day, l feel like you should stop hating him, simply because Carrie kept going back for more again and again! It was her fault because she knew all the things you pointed out and still had hopes for him, because, well, that’s what happens when a guy gets under your skin like that! She also kept making the same mistakes every time they had a do-over, I might add. And anyone who wants to think they’re a Carrie has to be smart enough to know that they have choices and if they naturally seek out the wrong men for relationships, and also can’t see their own flaws and destructive tendencies, they have a problem and need to be counseled or something. It also goes back to self-confidence and self-worth. If you’re in a bad place and you have a destructive lifestyle, you’ll probably find someone who fits into that lifestyle. If you know yourself better, love yourself more, and are more in tune with what you want in a partner, then you’ll pick and stay with someone much less ‘toxic’.
As a side note I was thinking that somehow women seem to be good at friendships, but they never usually take what works in friendships and apply it to romantic relationships. Her relationships with her friends were probably the healthiest and stablest relationships she ever had!
Totally agree! I absolutely love Mr. Big, probably because I -like you- have my own Mr. Big in my life, but unlike yours, mine is also a commitmentphobe. I’ve been with him for almost 2 years now, often meet up with his family and stuff (they love me!), but he won’t make our relationship ‘official’. Just like Big, he’s insanely charming, misterious and amazing. He put me through some shit in the past, scarily smilar to the things that happened between Carrie and Big… But what can i say, I’m crazy about him..
I used to have a mr. Big and then I let him go forever. 🙂
I came across this entry while googling “my Mr. Big”. Everytime I watch SATC and see Mr. Big I am reminded of the Mr. Big in that was in my life. He was my first real love and like Mr. Big, he was tall, dark and handsome. Always seemed aloof until you got to know him and I was always nervous around him no matter what like how Carrie described herself around Mr. Big. I, however, decided to make things work with my Aiden instead of Mr. Big. I am now married and am enjoying a wonderful, happy life with someone who truly loves and cares for me as I do for him and there are no games in our relationship. I’m so glad that I made the decision to end my romance with Mr. Big and he recently ended all communication right before I got married and blamed it on his current girlfriend making him end contact with his exes. This is more to vent than any other reason. I still feel a strange sense of rejection even though there is absolutely no reason that I should. It would not be worth all the pain and emotional turmoil to try to make things work or wait around long enough for him to realize that I was truly “The One.” The thing is that if someone REALLY cares about you and loves you, they will never put you through the kind of stuff that Carrie was put through or what I was put through. You do truly have to realize that it is a toxic relationship which makes him definitely NOT “The One.” I really wish that Carrie didn’t end up “happily ever after” with Mr. Big because it isn’t realistic, especially not after being left at the altar. I guess that’s why it’s just fiction. Thank you for your post, I really enjoyed it!
I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog, and wish I had the courage to have such a public forum lol. Kudos!
Its 5:30am and I’ve between awake reading several of your articles as well as those of other bloggers. I’m on what I’ll refer to as the third “final” break up with the same person in a mere 3 months. All of my deal breakers have come up, and we tried the nieve “just be friends, keep in touch” thing *eye roll*….*cue gag*…but it just isn’t going to work.
Usually I’m the advice-giver of my group, so i literally called a few friends and declared an intervention for them to “help me save myself from myself” and leave him alone. For good. Even his mentor told me to “Run as fast as you can and get the hell on!”.
He’s made several positive changes in his life, possibly new year resolutions idk, but just like you’re article and the other readers stated, people don’t change. And i agree with you about the major life event as the exception…i know this relationship really changed me and everything i thought i knew about love life and relationships smh.
Trust me whole-heartedly when i say thank you for all you’ve written thus far…several of your posts are helping me sort through my feelings right now and prepare to move on.
He’s definitely someone I love and will always love..He may even be that one person I was meant to meet, and the true love I’ll never get over… But you know what? HE ruined the happily ever after, and not me, you, or anyone else should have to feel guilty about dealing with it how we want and then getting over it.
I don’t want to leave, but know I should because that situation isn’t what I’ve ever wanted for myself. We get in our own ways sometimes 😉 Stay strong chica!
Watching old reruns of SATC made me google Carrie and Big I stumbled on this. In rewatching I do agree with everything said about Big and Carrie together. I never thought Aidan was even remotely right for Carrie. There was no evidence they should have been together at all. I wish they had given Carrie a reasonable alternative to Big. But they never did. I have been with an Aidan type, my first husband to some extent and it didn’t last, (my fault.) Then I found my Big. We had a very tumultuous relationship which eventually ended up with him pursuing me and asking me to marry him for several years before I agreed. We are very happy. I think in his case it was a maturity thing. Had I married him when he was in his 20s or 30s or even early 40s it would not have worked. But as he approached 50 his values and perspective changed and now he is a wonderful husband but still has that magnetic allure. So it can happen but I would not suggest anyone take the long journey it took to get here.
You are very negative….its what woman want. Love mr impossible
Mr. Big is NYC. Carrie loves NYC. It is part of her identity. He becomes a part of her character and there is no spark between her and Aidan like there is with her and Mr. Big. People can change. I’m sorry but I believe what I believe. Big does show his love to Carrie..in HIS way. This type of man is not desirable to the type of women that want to settle down and have a family. This type of man is desirable to the CARRIES of the world. You must understand NYC in order to understand Mr. Big.
Reading this made me cry because after 4.5 years my first love broke up with me a month ago. And this isn’t the first time. This is the 3rd time this year and 4th in total. I always felt he reminded me of Big, and always thought in the end I’d be the one.
I believe people can change, but only if they truly want to and take the steps to change. If they don’t want to, they won’t. And that’s kinda where I’m at with my Big. I don’t think he’s wants to or is ready to admit his issues, and when he can’t handle anything he walks away. He said he was 100% done, but I honestly never know with him.
I feel so pathetic for wanting this person back who has hurt me so much this past year. I’m clinging onto the old him, which is silly because that person no longer exists. It just feels like the pain I’m in and the overwhelming emotions will last forever
Great post – and it’s amazing the strengthen of this show’s cultural relevance.
I watched SATC when is was originally on HBO and thought it was fun. I was more of a cross between Miranda and Samantha – not believing / trusting in men / love so I did not read too much in the Carrie / Big story. However, just as Miranda once confronted Carrie, I did not buy that Mr. Big was sincere. Cut to today and I am watching the SATC reruns and the whole Mr. Big storyline is even more pathetic than I originally perceived – Carrie should have cut him out of her life when he married Natasha, but than she does represent so many women that can’t let go. For those living in reality their relationship is an example of what intimacy is not – all your points are valid, especially the cheater part.
I just finished re-watching the entire series which i’ve not done since I was in my late teens/early twenties (now in my late twenties), and i’m looking at it in a whole new light. Instead of being all warm and fuzzy at the series finale, I was annoyed, angry even that these women are so stupid. The entire series perpetuates the idea that you should give bad relationships a second chance. Every single one of the girls goes back to an ex after they have broken up, Carrie and Miranda being the worst culprits who go back to failed relationships with the same men three/four times only to have them unsurprisingly fail again.
I think I can safely say that Carrie is the worst role model for women I have ever seen. She is consistently incessantly needy, requiring a man to validate her life. She constantly complains about Mr.Big not wanting to get married, not showing her the commitment and attention she wants but when she finds a man who gives her everything she’s been wanting, she turns into the noncommittal type who wants her own space, freaks out about marriage and cheats.
Then she keeps running back to Mr. Big (a relationship which has proven to be really bad for her, and has never worked out) for him to treat her like crap again.
I had a ‘Mr.Big’ who I was madly in love with and who treated me like crap. I gave him a second chance because everyone deserves a second chance, and when he hurt me again, he was out of my life, because i’m not an idiot. I fear that SATC gives the fake fairy tail ending of, if you hold out through all the shit you’ll live happily ever after. It’s a very unhealthy message to be sending young women.
FINALLY!
Yep, I hate mr BIG and Carrie together, too!
Thanks for clearing up the illusion!
YOu ROCK
Wow lots of comments, I cannot say that you are wrong, i doubt anyone can….but, and yes there is a but coming :)), you have to see what the movie wants to express by showing this relationship between Carrie and Big. They weren’t trying to set an example, they were going for the real life kind of experience, the way it really happens …. I would say that at least half the women out there are attracted to men that have that arrogant, distant, wicked aura. It’s our nature… Aidan, not that he wasn’t amazing, but he came too late in Carrie’s life, she had already met that one special kind of motherfucker that just sticks with you, no matter how much it hurts….You compare any other man with him, you wake up thinking or him and catch yourself stalking him from afar even when it’s over….just because deep down you know it will always be unfinished business. I know the feeling, it does hurt, it makes you weaker in a way that toughens you up. I really think everyone has this guy in their lives, the one that no matter how many times hurt you, no matter how many silly – humiliating things you’ve done trying to tame the as*hole…you can’t stop thinking it’s just not over yet. It’s a sickness, an addiction, a cancer but if it ever happens to take a right turn and end up with you, to change for you and claim you in the end, well than …. screw it, as cheese as it may be, you found your soulmate! I have to say that in most cases it just gets worse, up to the point he will exclude you from his life completly simply because you are not easy-to-comprehend enough or you make them feel stuff that contradict their commitment issues. So if you can distance yourself from this addictive type of giant pain in the as*….do it ! now!
Agreed! I dislike Mr. Big too!
I’m glad I ran across your blog. I have been having a hard time lately. It’s been a few months since I last talked to my ex and I have started that missing him thing. He really isn’t a good person and I know that he will never change but after awhile I tend to only remember the good. This post reminded me that it’s not him I’m missing but the person I wished he could have been.
Hello, and YES! I know this particular article is a couple of years past, but I can definitely lend some points on giving Mr. Big another shot.
I have to confess, when I first started watching SATC, I was of the same mind. Aidan in, Big out. But then the years passed, and I had not only dated a couple of Aidan’s and Bigs myself, but I had also had my heart broken, been cheated (although I loathe that word) on, and have, yes it’s true, behaved neurotically both during and after a relationship.
All of this cast a dawning light and new perspective as I watched re-runs of SATC in recent years. It started as sort of a niggly feeling, but the more I watched, the more it began to build like a bubbling froth in my very veins…Big was actually, that’s right, an amazing boyfriend and (although somewhat tarnished) knight that has been unfairly maligned for years!! Here are some of the reasons why;
He showed up for Carrie on her enforced ‘arm candy’ night out with the three bff’s.
He stayed late at a wedding with her when she stonewalled him in a petulant pout.
He forgave her for slugging him in the face (physical abuse!) and giving him a black and purple eye, all b/c he – unbeknownst to him – was exhibiting behaviour she didn’t have the courage to address with him.
He wanted to marry her in a shared authentic gathering, not as the poster boy for a Vogue circus, and he didn’t stand her up, he repeatedly tried to contact her (but she was too busy adjusting her dyed peacock-feathered headdress), and DID show up anyway, it was the tantrums of she and her friends that retreated him.
He took care of her neurotic friend (Charlotte) when she was in labour, despite the many malignments of their collective nattering behind his back – discussing his most intimate relationships and secrets.
He built her a walk-in closet Imelda Marcus would kill for in an over-priced penthouse she sulkily demanded he purchase.
He sent her flowers and showed up at her birthday, after she’d dumped him.
He forgave her for kissing Aidan AFTER they were married, and by the way, why isn’t anyone mentioning that Aidan ALSO ‘cheated’, a married man with two kids, by making out with Carrie in Abu Dabi.
He put up with her drunken histrionics, neurotic and intrusive friends, and was in her life as a constant support and financier.
Consistently, we see this man showing up for her over and over again! The issue was not that he didn’t love her, but that he didn’t love her the way SHE wanted, nay, DEMANDED, punishingly, that he should.
I grow so weary of the antiquated sing-songy term of ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. Considering infidelity is growing exponentially with the highest demographic being women, there has to be a more mature way to address this than to just write it off as ‘bad character’. But that’s definitely for another blog.
The truth is, people do change. They make mistakes, they learn, they experience, they grow. People change all the time.
I know, because when I first watched SATC, I would have agreed on the Aidan factor. Now, it would be Big. Big time. So I guess I’ve changed. 🙂
Right on! Completely agree with you.
Thanks Chicke! (And he offered to loan her 40k for her apt.). Sorry, had to add that one. Am sure there’s more. Yes, yes, wait, he apologized for being so rough to her during her book-signing…but she just wanted to get laid…followed her to Paris…Oh there’s just so much. 🙂
The thing that a lot of people don´t get is that even if we agree that Mr Big was neither good nor right for Carrie, Carrie herself was not good nor right for Aiden…
Totally agree with you on this. Esp the point that SATC tells women they will be rewarded if they put up with a bad guy, pander to him, chase him, wait for him, and be treated like crap by him. Mr. Big never would have married Carrie in real life. And I hated how their relationship started out–she was doing all the chasing, calling him, asking him to dinner, etc. Not a good idea. If she would have stopped, she would have had no relationship. Also, if you watch him, you see that he’s actually in the right some of the time. She shouldn’t have bitched at him about him needing to go to Paris, or had a meltdown over it. The man works and should be able to go to Paris if he needs to. A lot of the time she assumed he was oh so in love with her and wanted everything she wanted, but she never really considered/accepted what he truly wanted (sex and a casual relationship). All the signs were there. She chased him for so many years too! Ugh. And the fact that women everywhere swooned for this storyline is the result of Disney and Barbie/Ken. As little girls all we were ever taught to fantasize about was getting married, Prince Charming, being with a man. The storybooks should have taught us how to live our own lives well, how to be ourselves and have lives of our own, and how THAT will attract and sustain a relationship with a man. So, it’s not women’s fault or Carrie’s fault. Most of us just didn’t know better than to think men were the holy grail.
Aidan was too good for Carrie. He was smart to leave her. She deserved Mr. Big…they were two peas in a very toxic pod.
Mr Big is a very selfish man.
He only comes to Carrie when he has emotional needs. Once he gets Carrie he will just dump her for a while to enjoy freedom, and then he will need Carrie again,,,, never ending circle.
A man like Mr Big, arrogant, irresponsible, selfish and Carrie is indecisive, confused, bad with money management and selfish, those two people are made for each other.
Adian is a wonderful man but he gets dumped just because he is too available to Carrie.
He deserves a much better woman than Carrie
I realize this was written several years ago. Ha. I stumbled across it and it intrigued me. I’m re watching SATC as I’ve recently gotten HBOGO. I had the DVDs, but along the way they get scratched, lose some etc.
I, too, think far too much about fictional characters. Mr. Big and Carrie especially. I agree with everything you said EXCEPT I find Mr. Big very handsome. So, I understand her attraction. She should have married Aiden. He was the better man. Part of me thinks her and Mr. Big deserve each other. She also is a cheater. She cheated on sweet Aiden with Big. THEN she kisses Aiden when she’s MARRIED to big.
Even in the second movie they are having struggles because of who he is. So, I say, they deserve each other.
She would have ruined Aidan. Good on her for letting him go…albeit in an incredibly passive aggressive way.
I want to say that I do belive people change, but it’s not like a light switch, one moment your this way and the next that, it’s a gradation if change.
About 2 years ago I was a very needy immature naive selfish person, and yes it took a lot of reflecting on my part but gradually things started to change, the people who are in my life now would never have been people I would care to talk to then.
So yes I do think people change, sometimes people you inspire you to turn a little bit more that way and sometimes it’s all you can handle at the moment until the next inspiration.
The thing is we don’t know Mr Big and his side, we don’t get to see what Carrie does to keep or push him away, we relate to her because we’ve been on that side, but try being on the other side?
I’m a huge fan of the show I watch the show over and over and over belive me lol I have the DVDs but I know that this isn’t reality, where characters are made to live a life most of us desire to.
I like mister big but I would have never dated him as long as Carrie did. Which makes me question what is up with Carrie?
Anyway I hope I have you a good response
I completely agree in regards to Mr. Big. They took a pretty strong, smart character and made her dumb over a man. OHhhhhh…. WAiiiiiiittttt… that is real life folks. Women do this every day. We can preach to them all we want… they won’t hear it til they are ready. I actually think this author / creator was BRILLIANT! There are some people that can only be reached when they are complaining about something like many did above… for legit reasons… and they have what Oprah calls an AH-HA moment. I thing Big is ok… looks wise… money was way more than ok…and face it….the girl liked some expensive shoes…lol. I agree Aiden was far and away hotter…..much much much hotter than Big. She felt comfortable with him….but she didn’t feel passion. He didn’t spark that something inside that nothing will quench. We all deserve to feel that. BUT… here is the thing… we may feel it…but if you don’t have both…it will never last… you have to have spark…lead to friendship…which leads to a decision … hear me… a DECISION to love someone….for better or for worse. (oh..and in Big’s defense… he really did start to become her best friend…she could confide in him …day or night…he was there…except when he wasn’t…lol. OHHHH and while I’m at it… Aiden the hottie… was so judgemental and condescending to her… if she couldn’t conform to the life he wanted… then she was broken and needed to be fixed.
Ladies… there is no perfect man…only perfect for us… we can look at all our men choices like Big and Aiden. They each have positives and negatives… we have to decide in our soul the one that we want to decide to be with for the rest of our lives.
I know…old post… don’t even know how I stumbled on it…but I loved the show. Oh…and guess what… there is no rush… when met get into the late 30s and up….they are who we were in are teens and twenties….they are desperate to find the one…to get married…. to live happily ever after. So… enjoy freedom while you are young and sexy enough to enjoy the young boys….because it is just creepy when the guys your kids age are asking you out all the time. Take it from me. Oh… AND…. that happily ever after guy… nothing says you will have him forever… vows don’t mean a thing if he dies…. you start over…from scratch…older…wiser… knowing yourself more… but dang… what I wouldn’t give to have that stupid 20something year olds body back! lol
Carrie was not a strong woman at all. She was a weak, insecure woman living in a great apartment with a great job and a lot of shoes. Typical wounded lamb with daddy issues.
Hello, before hand im sorry for the mistakes. Im dutch. just wanted to say that you have a point. Not every one can change. But i know from first expiriance that it is posible. My dad has a lot in common with mr big. He’s got a hard time changing and he hurt my mother more times than i can count (emotionely that is) but in the end he did change for her mostly. Because he loves her. And i think that’s the point. Big loved carrie. He got a hard time letting it show Because some People (like my dad) cant show it. It doesn’t mean they don’t feel it. And they make a lot of mistakes Because of it. And yet People like carrie and my mom keep forgiving them Because they understand and they wait. Someday they will say it and that kind of love is worth it.
Hmmm. I don’t hate Mr. Big but I agree that they were not good together. I suppose it’s fair to place all the blame for that relationship on Mr. Big (Carrie is the star of the show) but I’m rewatching the series again now that I’m in my mid-30s and I have a completely different take on that relationship.
Carrie is a terrible girlfriend. She’s incredibly insecure, needy and overly dramatic. When you’re in a relationship, it’s about compromise and Carrie wanted it her way all the time. I’m not sure that I’ll get these in the right order but a man is allowed not to like a woman. Just because you’re dating, it doesn’t mean that you’re exclusive. Carrie would ditch her friends for Big (her choice) and then get pissed at him when she found out that he was seeing other women. Isn’t that what dating is?
When Carrie found out that Big took his mother to church on Sundays, he explained to her that it was a private thing for him. He wasn’t ready for Carrie to meet his mother. So what does she do? She shows up uninvited at the church and forces herself on his mother. Selfish. You may not like that he’s not ready to introduce you to his mother but he’s entitled to feel that way. So she breaks up with him because he’s not at the same place as her. Does she do it ahead of their trip? No…she does it right before they’re set to leave for a vacation in St. Barts that he paid for. Selfish.
She gets drunk and calls him in the the middle of the night with her tantrums, shows up at his place when she feels like it and picks fights with him at the worst possible times. He’s at home watching the game and she keeps throwing herself at him. HE’S WATCHING THE GAME. Give him some space but no she throws a hissy fit and storms out. She told Big that she loved him and then got pissed that he didn’t say it back. Does she have an adult conversation with him about it? Of course not! She goes with him to a party at his friends house and behaves like a complete lunatic. Starts to light up in someone else’s home and then gets an attitude when the host asked her to take her smoking to the terrace? Um…that’s completely fair. I don’t let people smoke in my house either. She’s rude to Big’s friends and is incredibly snarky about his Park Ave. friends and then proceeds to flirt with a caterer while she’s at a party with Big. It was completely inappropriate for her to be looking at a tattoo on another man’s crotch. Funnily enough she was incredibly pissed when Big glanced at other women in her presence. Hypocrite. She stays at the party without Big, leaves with this caterer and takes him back to her place. HELLO? When Big calls and gives her what she wants, she tells him she loves him too while this other guy is still in her bed. She’s completely ridiculous.
She was incredibly hot and cold so it’s no wonder that he was considering a move to Paris without telling her. When she invited herself to move to Paris, he didn’t tell her to come and give up her life. He told her not to move to Paris for him. He didn’t want to be with her and he’s allowed to feel that way. He would have been a jerk to let her move with him and ditch her once they got there but he didn’t and yet he’s the worst person in the world. When they’re sitting in the restaurant and he tells her that he’s engaged, she acts like a crazy person and causes a big scene in the restaurant. You called him. You told him you were ready to be friends. You told him not to say anything about Natasha and then you act like a lunatic when he follows the rules you just set. He didn’t want to marry YOU because you’re crazy and needy and insecure. He’s entitled to feel that way. Maybe he should have left her alone but I’m sure he liked her, just not enough to introduce her to his mother or marry her.
Big didn’t bring out the worst in Carrie, she brought out the worst in him. She’s a terrible person, a terrible friend and a terrible girlfriend and she was a terrible wife in the second movie. Yes, he was messed up for leaving her at the altar but I’d have second thoughts about marrying her too.
There was an episode where she gave her number to some guy at a coffee shop. He didn’t call so her ego was bruised and when she ran into him, he explained that he was an alcholic and couldn’t date for a year. She went out with him anyway because she needed the ego boost and then dropped him. Shocker. She used that doctor in the Hampton’s when Charlotte got crabs. She admitted all throughout the episode that she wasn’t into him but crashed at his house anyway because she wanted to. Let’s not even mention how she treated Aidan.
She’s the type of woman who’s always the victim and never sees any fault with herself. Truly despicable person.
Oh and the new Yankee whose mouth she cried in and then had an attitude with when he was concerned about her. He seemed nice enough but she treated him like shit because she needed the ego boost.
TOTALLY Chicke, brilliant insight! I caught all of the same things. He was an amazing boyfriend, but simply didn’t move as quickly as she wanted him too. There is an excellent book written by a male psychologist who only counsels men, and he speaks exactly of this. It is well researched and has interviews and cases with hundreds of men, all saying very similar things. It completely corroborates what both of us have seen, and let me tell you, men are back-flipping in gratitude over this insight. Every woman on the planet should read it (it’s not for the feint of heart though, because there are many things some might not want to know, and I found it tough to wrap my head around at first), but if some ‘Big-haters’ read it, they’d never seem him in the same light again.
Whats the name of the book?
Finally someone with some common sense! I see the comments of these girls here and feel sad. They seem to be all deluded thinking that it was actually Mr. Big who was always wrong. I am a girl and I have never behaved like Carrie! I have always had guys around me, wanting a serious relationship with me precisely because I am not needy, but strong, independent, and yeah, good looking too, but good looks alone mean little if a guy finds you boring. I thought It was very obvious that Big was just not into her. At the end, he ‘settled’ with Carrie. He was not a commitment-phobic either. He got married twice! He just didn’t want a woman like Carrie as his wife!
He did not treat her badly, but they wanted different things. She, nonetheless,thought it was wrong of him not to give her what she wanted. In her opinion, he treated her like ‘crap’ because he didn’t feel the way she felt. Oh gosh, he is entitled to those feelings!
As for Aidan, well, he was terribly boring. I have a great man in my life much better looking than Aidan, much more successful, much more intelligent who also has a great loving heart, consequently, I would never change him for someone like Aidan. My husband would never forgive me if I cheated on him (and vice versa). Aidan did not only forgive her but then he accepted when she decided to continue seeing Mr. Big ! Aidan was pathetic! If I was Carrie seeing him behave like he did after they got back together I would have no respect for him either. Aidan was an immature needy, crazy person. Not long after he and CArrie break up for the second time he obviously finds a girl because during season 6 we see him with a baby! Furthermore, as we see in the second movie, Aidan too ends up cheating on his wife with Carrie ( yeah, a kiss is cheating, and he cheated on his wife with the women who treated him like crap). I can’t feel sorry for him. I felt bad the first time but I did not feel bad for what she did to him after he got back with her. Aidan got what he deserved, he was ridiculous!
I think the most suitable person for Carrie was Berger, unfortunately, they decided to write him in a infantile way, but I think if Berger had potential and he was probably the only guy I think was suitable for Carrie.
Carrie is not an example to follow. Carrie ssn’t really a nice person, she is selfish, infantile, overly intense, quite simple, and intellectually dull. She has no interesting topics of conversation and to be honest, she can’t write!
Wow.. I’m with this one!! She was cray cray! but ive noticed in my life all those sorts of women have decent men and here i am 26 single, cruisey, love my own time, independent, funny, open, honest but come across as intimidating to men. CONFUSED!
I actually didn’t hate Mr. Big, I thought he was very representative of the types of men out there, the typical crap a lot of if not most women experience. I think the point in him being the main character’s love interest was to show viewers how Carrie dealt with it all. It was very real. If Aidan had been the main interest, it would have been too perfect, it’s simply not typical to find a guy like that.
Almost all women who date experience the Mr. Bigs of the dating world, and the effects they have on us. I liked him because he was real, complex, just as confused as she was, he was all the things a man in this world truly is. Aidan was the Walt Disney version and how many women can attest to having dated an Aidan? Not many.
I feel like Aidan didn’t really know who Carrie was, he saw her as someone to love but didn’t really try to understand her, which I think is pretty typical of a lot of men and the reason why overtime women leave those men. Mr. Big at least admitted he didn’t get it, and didn’t pretend he did just to keep her. He struggled to figure it out, Aidan just said here’s what I want, fit into my ideal life, what I have planned for us, didn’t even try to understand what was missing or wrong. In other words he loved the ideal Carrie, the one in his head which is very typical, Aidan didn’t truly love Carrie, Big did. That’s why I liked Mr. Big.
Yeah once a cheater always a cheater but Carrie cheated in Aiden with Big.
But the passionate up and down “fairy tail” quality of Carrie and Big’s relationship (did anyone keep a dry eye during the very last episode in Paris)? was what made the show so entertaining. Sure in REAL life, Carrie would have probably been much better off with Aiden. But for us, the viewing public, we liked to feel our hearts flip, because hey…it’s entertainment! (By the way, I thought Big was sexy – I think cute is the wrong word for him).
Both SATC movies were terrible. Big is an asshole and he was right from the beginning of the SATC TV show as Big was introduced on the TV series as an older man who only dated models – that says everything right there about his character. He cheated on his first wife with her best friend. He treated Carrie like shit all through their dating and then promptly marries Natasha while he is in Paris – and then cheats on her with Carrie. I agree that Carrie was needy, self-destructive, and made the relationship difficult – amongst other things. In some ways their storyline was ridiculous. I really didn’t like the end of the SATC movie where Carrie married Big and it was all on his terms. The worst of it was seeing Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte come barreling through the courthouse doors to congratulate them. I didn’t get that at all – her friends were quite against Carrie seeing Big in the TV series, is a no-show at their elaborate wedding, and now everything is suddenly okay? It was very poor writing. It basically showed Carrie, as 40 years old now, desperately wanting to marry no matter how badly she was treated and her friends wholeheartedly supporting that decision. It betrayed the whole TV series which was supposed to show independent and empowered single women. In the end of the first SATC movie, they were not. I would have like to have seen Carrie finally see Big for the absolute jerk that he was – and move on with her life without him. I think that a decision like that would have been more empowering for women.
Great summation Heather. Never saw the movies and so glad I didn’t.
I like this post.. I’m in the same boat as Carrie .. Well! Not the same.. But it’s close.. I’m crushing really hard on a guy that looks exactly like MR.big he’s a lot older he only wants me when I act like I’m not interested and I don’t want him.. Everyone thinks he’s average and not cute.. And He has a wife and kids .. I think I’m distend to be alone ..
I agree, going through the same thing at the moment with an on and off boyfriend. He just ignores me after we see each other for 2 months then i stupidly message him a few months later when another relationship fails and we see each other again his amazing and actually one of the nicest guys i have been with. He says his scared blah blah because he had been cheated on twice already but if he really wanted to be with me he just would. It just reminded me of the Carrie and Big story how she always took him back and he finally committed to her. I think because his done this to me 3 times it could and would happen again. Everytime he doesnt reply to a message i panic and immediatly assume he has left me again. I dont believe people change at all and know that i dont deserve what he does to me but when we are together its magic and im 26 now and dont get that connection with many people so its hard to let go. Im not one to vent to my friends about my feelings so felt this would help me get things off my chest. Thank you for your blog its really helped me realise that i need to just move on and find someone who wouldnt break my heart constantly. ❤
I think it is possible for people to change. It depends on the circumstance and what you want. I’ve dealt with true asses in my life and from that I have changed. Learned from experience, not as naive, love myself a heck of a lot more and dropped the people who were very draining me. Big only did what Carrie allowed and when she finally learned she could stand on her own two feet, she started putting herself first and gave Big the boot, before the end of the series. Yes, they got back together, but I think Carrie knew what she wanted and set out to start over.
Agreed. I will now follow this blog.
The reality is that in real life both Aiden and Mr. Big wouldn’t be good boyfriends. Artist types like Aiden are usually unemployed or very underemployed in real life and they will try to mooch off of you. Mr. Big was just too old to make that big of a change. He was so emotionally unavailable and commitment phobic that it just made no sense. I actually think Carrie was the one that should have known better though. He basically tells her at the beginning that he “never”wants to get married. She’s obviously a hopeless romantic, so she should have broken up with him then and there.
I totally agree. I started watching the series in my late 20s (parents didn’t approve of the show lol) and unfortunately made the same mistake as her. I wasted 4 yrs on someone who was as dry and loveless as scorched toast . He was exactly like Mr Big – his core characteristics brought out the worst in me; he was an immature child in a man’s body – . I broke up with him in Dec…2 months ago. I miss him, cry often but am relieved those days are over. No more doubts, no more sleepless nights, no more questioning why he doesn’t understand or care to treat me better. Great post.
The main reason I stopped watching Sex and the City. Never saw the ending, and never watched a movie. Not only did they put her with Big instead of Aiden, they had to ruin Aleksandr as well. Both were a much better match for Carrie I could never understand why so many women thought Big and Carrie was such a love story….he totally disrespected her and she lost her dignity. It was really upsetting to see so many women glorify that relationship and the way the writers and producers let the audience dictate where they were going.
Mr Big sucks! He’s such a douche. I think Carrie only likes him because he treats her like crap. Like he’s some sort of challenge for her. Aidan was perfect and she treated him poorly. Made no sense to me because Aidan was way too good for her. And he was so much cuter than Big. I don’t get it. Carrie is just dumb.
I’ve only watched ten episodes of the show (talk about late comers, huh) and I’m already mad at Mr. Big. Literally every episode is about him upsetting Carrie and making her doubt herself and then it all magically resolves when they start making out to boring-ass sax music. Geez, is this what the show is trying to tell us a model relationship should look like? If she marries him in the end, what is the point?
I love all the four actresses and the whole upscale New York fantasy, but this asshole is ruining the show for me. People never change and he’ll only continue making Carrie feel like trash. Is that what we little girls (of all ages) should aspire to?
Never watched it, and probably never will, but your portrayal of Mr Big has confirmed that it is a show I probably would have got mad at myself. Now in my 50’s I spent my 20’s and 30’s thinking I could change men, (1 man at a time I hasten to add) but eventually came to realise that it wasn’t the men that needed to change, it was me, and to start looking for a man who I derserved, rather than one to change. My daughter is a big fan of SATC and I do worry that Mr Big may be her role model, damn do I have to watch it now to find out? Blessings and Namaste Joy
Mr. Big and Carrie are the single worst characters in that show. BOTH of them.