Breakup Survival Guide
Photo courtesy of Chris McClanahan
“A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.”
Breakups aren’t easy. Trust me, I know. In April of 2010, I cancelled my wedding to my love of seven years. It was tough, but I’ve survived. And you will too. Here’s a collection of some of my favorite Simply Solo articles related to breakups. The first list includes posts that chronicle my personal experience, and the second list includes breakup stories from some of my favorite guest bloggers.
Take care of yourself!
Catherine’s Story
- Top 10 Empowering Breakup Songs – The most comprehensive list of empowering breakup songs on the Internets
- Top 10 Best/Worst Breakup Songs – A list of the most depressing breakup songs perfect for wallowing after your breakup
- Breakup Clichés and Words of Wisdom – What people say, and what it really means to someone going through a breakup
- Breakup Prescription – What you need to do to survive your breakup
- Living Proof – I’m living proof that you are going to survive this hard time – here’s what to do to make it through
- (Almost) Over You – One of my favorite posts I wrote about being almost over my ex
- Good Advice Is Only Good When You’re Ready – Some of the best breakup advice I’ve ever read
- Things I Love About Being Single – You gotta find some positive things about your breakup. It’s time to enjoy being single!
- Breakup Hangover – Just when you think you are over your breakup, you can be overwhelmed by sadness
- I Miss You Sometimes – One of my all-time favorite posts about how I miss who I was pre-breakup
- Baggage – The impact of emotional baggage from past relationships and how to move on
- Hello, Anger – My personal journey dealing with the anger after my breakup – especially after my ex moved on with someone else
- My Ex Is Getting Married – My emotions, reaction and pain after finding out that my ex fiancé was engaged to someone else
- Crazy Stuff We Do During Breakups – We all do crazy stuff during breakups. Here’s where we can bond over our craziness
- Cheaters Never Prosper … Or Do They? – A post discussing the intricacies of cheating
- Why I Hate Mr. Big – This post is not only about my hatred of Mr. Big, but bigger picture why I think it’s bad to stay in destructive relationships because people don’t change
- Sex After the Ex – The first sexual experience after a breakup
- Holidays After A Breakup – The struggles of enjoying the holiday season for the first time without your ex
- I Believe In Signs – Trusting your intuition when it comes to relationships
- July 10 – The post I wrote on what would have been my wedding day
- Alone – The need to spend some time being single and focusing on yourself after a breakup
- Good Men Shortage – My first encounter with the perceived lack of available good men after I broke up with someone
- Facebook Breakup Settings – My suggestions for what Facebook should do for people going through breakups
Guest Posts Related to Breakups
- The Better Way to Handle a Break-Up – How to leave a breakup with your self-respect intact
- 3 … 2 … 1 … Happy New You! – The importance of celebrating milestones after a breakup or divorce
- Men and Marriage – Know how some guys will date a girl for years and years, then break up with her and immediately marry the next girl they date? Well the girl they actually married is telling her side of the story – and why if he hasn’t committed, you need to move on
- 4 Ways To Cure Your Broken Heart: Italian-American (Girl) Style – Rachel shares tips for surviving a break up – with the style and pizazz of an Italian-American girl
- Happiness Defined – One of my more controversial guest posts where Halen told her story of leaving her husband because she simply wasn’t happy anymore
- When He Cheats – Courtney tells the story of her boyfriend and father of her five-month-old daughter cheating on her, and how she made the tough decision to move forward with the relationship
- When It’s Just Not Meant To Be – How to handle the end of a relationship with someone who just wasn’t the right one
- How to Cure Heartbreak with Mustard – Bet you never knew you needed mustard to survive a heartbreak – here’s why
- Adventure Is Out There – Embracing adventure and finding a new lease on life after a tough breakup
- Having to Leave The Good Guy – Story of a woman who had to break up with a wonderful guy simply because he wasn’t right for her
- The Great Departure – Getting out of an abusive relationship
- A Nail in the Coffin – Mark’s story of dealing with his ex-wife getting remarried. The Sky’s The Limit is the follow up to this piece about Mark finding love after divorce
- Don’t Ask Silly Questions – How to own being single and handle the “Met anyone special lately?” question
- Just Like My Favorite Pair of Panties – Letting go of relationships that simply aren’t working
- Sometimes the Journey Really is the Reward – Inspiring story of a woman who moved cross country for a guy who then proceeded to break up with her
- February 31 – On waiting to date until you are ready after a breakup
- My Latin American Love Story – A woman’s story of love and heartbreak during a summer abroad
- My Name Is Amelia, And I’m … – Recovering from commitment-phobia after several tough breakups
- Men Who Can’t Love – Woman discusses a book about men who can’t love and explores her own experiences with men who sabotaged relationships with her
- A Lot Can Happen In A Year – A woman reflects on the past year since she cancelled her wedding
- The Hardest Part Is Letting Go – Paul shares his story of losing his first love, who “fell out of love” with him
- Diamonds are Forever (Ruining My Christmas) – All about how much it friggin’ sucks to be single during the endless jewelry commercials at Christmastime
- How I Broke My Own Heart On My Birthday – Volta has to make the tough decision of whether she should stay with someone she loves who only wants a “casual” relationship, or move on alone
- On This Day, I Thee Tri – Melissa takes back her un-wedding day and competes in a triathalon
- The Transference of Negative Relationships – Jimmy shares how one terrible heartbreak negatively impacted all his future relationships, and how he’s trying to start fresh
- Before It Gets Pretty, Sometimes Its Gotta Get Really Ugly … A Love Story – Ali shares her long journey to love, including making the tough decision of calling off an engagement to someone who just wasn’t right for her
Copyright 2012. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
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Simply Solo: Single girl starting over - follow the journey 
What a great new page! (At least I think its new? I usually read your posts on my phone as opposed to on my lap top…) Very smart and nicely organized– I’m hoping I’ll never have to make use of it, but if I do, I’ll know where to turn!
Kat,
Thanks, it is new! Hoping to have a place where people can easily access old posts. I appreciate your noticing and commenting! 🙂
I’m happy I found this Catherine. I’m in a bad, bad place and I’ll read this blog inside out. Thank you.
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. I’m sending positive thoughts your way. Take care of yourself 🙂
I started following this blog after my last break up but my current one hurts more, not only was he not in the final stages of a divorce he was happily married having two long term affairs and numerous short term ones. Trying to keep my smile but hard to even though he was such a jerk it was a wonderful relationship that included picking an engagement ring type…… shattered when I realised it was all lies but looking after me now!
I’m sorry, AussieButterly. You never know how bad a breakup will hurt, do you? Definitely do focus on you for now, and let your heart heal and be ready to accept someone wonderful.
Telll me why I feel so lost now I feel like my world crashed and in a battle with trying to find a way out its been 1 month yesterday but it hurts just as much as it did the first day my soul hurts so much and I love the hell out of him i was single for a long time so i knew when i would fall in love i woud fall hard I did and my heart hurts so bad i cant describe the trobe in it but it really frekin hurts =[ I swear i try to do my daily task but my world feels dark and im just breathing not living becazuse in the back of my mind he would be the only one to breath llife back into me help i feel so lost and hopless i put up a front iam okay but i fee like im dying inside i miss my jesse so much
Crystal,
I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup. Know that you are not alone, many of us have felt the hurt you are going through. It’s not permanent, it’s temporary, and you will overcome this. Just try to take good care of yourself, spend time with family and friends, focus on the positive things in your life, and stop the negative track in your head and try to remind yourself that you are strong and special and you will be OK. Thinking about you 🙂
It’s been a year and I remember how lost I was as a person things happen for a reason and I have to say I’m so much happier today single but happy I have also grown as a person not one but bitter just more complete 🙂
I am coping with a break-up right now. Is very hard to start loving you again when all those years you’ve loved him more than you love yourself. So I am in this place now – http://adf.ly/Qy6JX
My boyfriend and I broke up on March 4, 2012. We were together for 2 years, I am only 19 years old, but he was the love of my life. I’ve lost so many family members at a very young age and it hurts so much to have lost another person that I have loved. I thought he was everything that I ever wanted, but he was never sure of what he wanted. He gave me a promise ring, a picture frame that had our names engraved on it along with our anniversary and the feeling that we were going to be together for many more years. So here I am, on spring break trying to keep busy, but the one I love only lives a few miles down the road. Does he miss me, does he even think about driving by my house to see if I’m home, or has he moved on already. I just want to know if he misses me, why am I the one suffering when he lied during our whole relationship because he said he was never “in love” with me but he loved me. How can someone’s feelings just be shut off one day and not want anything to do with them. I haven’t talked to him in three days which is so hard because for the past two years we talked every day more than one time a day. Here am I suffering, but why. I fell in love too easily and I don’t know how to fall out of it. I just want him to call me and say that he misses me. I wanna wake up to him by my side. ugh..I wanna text him so bad, help!
Aww, Rae, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Gosh, I feel like so many of us can empathize with all the feelings you have right now. We all want to know if he misses us. We all want to call or text. It takes time to get over these feelings. You just have to be strong to get through the hard days. Rely on friends and family and always take care of yourself first. Soon, you’ll find yourself thinking of him a bit less. It’ll hurt a bit less. And someday you’ll love again. You are young and I promise this will not be the last time you love. Just remind yourself that everything happens for a reason even if you don’t understand it right now. And maybe read It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken – great book to help you through.
Yesterday, i found out my boyfriend of three years has been cheating on me the entire length of our relationship. He is 44 and i am 37. I have not words. I do know that i’m not alone and i thank you for that. Im scared but at the same time i have to remember that being afraid doesn’t make me a coward.
Sylvia,
“I have to remember that being afraid doesn’t make me a coward.”
You are so right about that and keep reminding yourself that. You are in an awful situation but you deserve so much better. You will find it. But in the meantime focus on yourself and heal. I’m sending positive thoughs your way!
Thats a fantastic quote up at the top!
Thanks, Christina! I like it too!
Thank you so much for the support….I absolutly love this blog. It is a blessing to know that I’m not the only one out there who is struggling. It’s almost been a month since my break up and each day gets a little easier, but we still have our days of weakness and thats okay. A new journey is starting…focus on yourself and be the best you can be for you and no one else.
Rae,
“Focus on yourself and be the best you can be for you and no one else.” Beautiful and EXACTLY! Thanks for participating in my little blog and sharing your thoughts 🙂
I randomly stumbled upon your blog as I was searching good break up songs so I could sing instead of texting my ex bf . I read the entire break up survival guide and it made me feel alot better about ending a 3 years relationship. I’ve had a couple of good laughs, so thank you 🙂 I look forward to your next entries 🙂 Greetings from Canada !
Mel,
Sorry to hear what you are going through – but thanks so much for reading. I’m really glad it helped 🙂 More to come, for sure! Take care.
Hey Catherine,
My name is Ruby. I’m only 15 and my (now ex) is 16. He and I had been dating for almost 7 months (anniversary tomorrow) and Sunday, I got mad at him for not being able to make time for me lately and not really acting like his usual sweet self. Anyway, he broke up with me and then decided I had “one week” to prove that we,can be friends and still date without any fights. Anyway, I saw him the day after and everything was going fine, and we cried andwere talking things out. Soon after though, my mom and I got into a fight about irrelevant stuff and he decided that I was being immature and so that was the reason he apparently broke up with me again, Monday night. Tuesday, he told me not the text him at all because he needed space and he canceled a visit and a Boston trip that we had planned a while back which was going to take place that days and the boston trip, Wednesday. He didn’t all to me or reply to any of my calls or texts for the next day until Wednesday night, when he got home from Boston, texted me and told me he was sorry for everything. I was so glad to see his text, that I ignored everything else. Thursday night, I had made the mistake of telling him how much o regretted everything and missed him, and he wanted to move on from the past. And some said goodnight and then left. Yesterday, he didn’t text me good morning or anything and I texted him while i was at work not understanding that I had hurt him the previous night. anyway, he snapped at me and told me not to text him and all I wanted to do was just talk. That’s all. But he refused and stopped texting me. We ended up chatting on the phone last night until he wanted to go to bed. I told him everything pretty much. (personal story sorta) but then he said if I don’t text him today, at all, than maybe we can be friends. And so that is what I’m doing. But I loved your articles. They help me realize that maybe, even after everything, that he isn’t the right guy for me. I loved your tips and personal stories because they really help me not dwell over his actions, and reassure me that I can possibly just trudge through this without him. And there are better people. That you for posting these articals. I bookmarked the page and so whenever I have the urge to text him today, or in the future, to beg for him back, I can go back and re-read your articles and realize that I’ll survive this with him, or without him:’) thank you so muchhh
Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom! Definitely easy to relate to and nice to know there are others who have felt the same and have insight on how to deal. I’ve nominated you for the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award” and the details are here http://notthesinger.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/very-inspiring-blogger-award/ if you’re interested. Looking forward to more amazing posts 🙂
Absolutely love your blog!
Thank you so much! Appreciate your stopping by!
Hi just came across your blog. I recently came from a break up last year as well. But it turned out to be the gateway before I met the love of my life. My husband. I hope I can share some thoughts with you too here on this bittersweet but beautiful journey. 🙂
http://lifeisgelato.wordpress.com/category/life-love-faith/
Congratulations Tina! Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your story. It’s a great inspiration for others who think their breakup is the end of the road – it could really be the best beginning ever!
What a great source of information, some of the old blogs were a great read, having just ended a relationship by mutual consent I was on the lookout for something like this, it certainly help to make you see your are not the only one …. onward and upwards thanks again.
Jaq
So many interesting, heartfelt, and eye stopping entries. Going to make a cup of coffee and then read some more.
Watch this video my friend and I made about break up one liners. I’m sure you will use one of these or already have in your life!
Baah ! I really wish that I’d seen this blog earlier, definitely a pearl to keep
and I am definitely going to recommend this blog !!
Loving your writing Catherine!
Hey, i don’t know where i should start… I red this page (+the extra materail you’ve written about) the same night i got dumped. It calmed me down and made me accept the pain of my broken heart. I’ve red it again, again and again during these days that’ve passed, it has helped me so much. Just wanted to thank you for the edvice, really, THANK YOU.
This content is always helpful. Everyone has break ups but almost no where has solid advice on going through this gut-wrenching life hurdle. If only things like this were taught in schools!
Very inspiring, my fiance have fear of commitment and he broke up with me a month ago. I am physicall and mentally sick of what ive passed through.
I really love ur blog but i always have this question in mind!!! Does he suffer too or its just us?? Will he ever regret it?
I was in a physically abusive relationship for some years but noone believed me because the girl never abuses the guy, right? But anyway, for those of you in a similar situation and have to deal with abuse in silence, i thought i would share this poem i found on yahoo. It made me feel more relief somehow:
http://voices.yahoo.com/something-rabid-shells-12111141.html?cat=2
I found this on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH36FEPFO4Q
Seems like a pretty good way to get through a breakup.
You need to be really precise here, so something like “Change my calendar on 10th November. Sometimes, hurt feelings, anger and frustrations get in the way of love. He’s pulling away from you, and you feel like the impending breakup is inevitable.
After looking for songs to heal a broken heart, I found so many that just made me feel worse about it, or indecisive or attached to a relationship that hurts. This playlist is to keep me and you inspired and strong. The choice of music is eclectic – the words are empowering, self-affirming, they avoid attachment to the relationship, but they are still kind.
Hello! I came across your blog today and I was searching how to survive being single…and thank you for writing! I am going through a break up and this blog has helped me shed some light on things I was thinking and ignoring…thank you!
I am going through the same thing now; My boyfriend of 8 months has been cheating on me via text message and other various lines of communication throughout the duration of our relationship. I need some serious advice, I am at a crossroads; I have a son who is 10, and he has a daughter who is 6; my son is very attached to him; and my mother even likes him, but it appears that due to his previous marriage and divorce he is unable to love me, or even treat me with a little bit of respect and has gone even further to have illicit conversations with women he works with; which I found out, and he still insists on being their friend.. I don’t know why I am being treated this way; I cater to him in everyway possible, although I must admit I accused him of cheating throughout the entire duration of the relationship, and it pains me that he cannot let go of people that mean nothing for something that we could have, and it is even more unfortunate that I chose to stay when I first found out about some lies he told me in February. Today I found out my little sister’s boyfriend passed away and a dose of reality hit me. The reality is that life is too short to waste your time and kindness on the undeserving. The reality is that this man does not value my presence, and can care less about my son and I. And his manipulative way of turning things on me to somehow try to make me feel like I am wrong is out of this world and is fucked up. I just wish I had someone to talk about this with, because I am going through it, and I don’t know what will happen after tonight. But I will do all in my power to let him go, if he choses to leave… I cannot tolerate how he is treating me. It just isn’t right.
Thanks for sharing. So what do you do if either the guy and the girl didn’t fall out of love but can’t have a future together because they belong to different religions?
What do you do if the only option is breaking-up? How do you get over something like that especially when the other person give into his parents wishes and decides to get engaged to someone from his religion within a month of the break-up?
Even though I know he still loves me and have caved in only because of his parents still the feeling of hurt, the nagging feeling that he didn’t try hard enough too convince his parents, of being replaced so quickly and the usual anger, hurt and depression. They just won’t go away. So many mood swings in a day. I don’t know what to do. This is just not fair!!
HI Tamana,
I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in these feelings or this situation. I too went through almost the exact same thing. The ex “love of my life” called it quits after almost 2 years together to pursue a girl of his religion. He wasn’t exactly pressured by parents but he was turning 33 and still un-married, which was simply unheard of in his community. His reason was that when we become life partners, he would eventually become resentful of his faith for keeping him away from me and spending time with me doing non-religious things. He cannot find resolve to live a life away from the influences of his upbringing. Within three months of the break up, he proposed to the girl and married her three months later. I went through the same feelings of hurt, anger, doubting what I ever meant to him. But now that it’s been more than six months before I’ve seen him, I realized what had helped me other than ticking of time was the belief that he will regret it one day down the road. Of course I’m not crazy enough to know this may very well not be true – he may be having the best moments of his life with his new bridge, but I am holding onto that belief to help me get over this rough patch, until the day when I no longer care if it’s true or not.
I have also tried putting up mental “stop signs” whenever my mind starts to wander to memories of us, to the moments when he breathlessly tells me how he had long given up finding a girl like me and being with me is like an un-rehearsed movie. I don’t need these memories anymore. He can take them.
In the end I believe our men ultimately did not simply just leave us but they left us for the “other woman”, whether she was more “attractive” because of her religion or preference by his parents or whatever other complicated factors that may be at play. You just need to keep on remembering that it no longer matters. Perhaps this realization is cruel but I believe it’s the truth. The moment I can admit the truth to myself then I can move on with rest of my life.
I sincerely hope you could find peace in the following months. Have some patience for time to help you heal. Don’t self jeopardize into reminiscing too much. You will be amazed by how fast times goes by even if the first few months seem to last forever.
Best of Luck! Hugs!
i jst got married and its totally arrange..i was happy wen i got engaged bt later one of my class fellow who liked m since long tym msgd m n i msgd him bak n we startd talkng..met few tyms too n i fell in love with him..now got married,i couldnt call off my wedding..we talkd for sometym even afta the marriage bt now he wants to move on n gts angry on m that y i got married…..i dnt knw wat to do..i still love him!!
How did everything turn out? I know all too well the feeling of being with one but feeling obligated to be with another.
I need something new in my life, I am always looking forward, while I am young and healthy.
For an easier way to break up just check out this page. They break up for you. Yes this might sound cruel or childish, but in the relationship I was just in I didn’t have all that time to meet someone face to face and didn’t feel like getting in a text war. It was short simple and the guy didn’t contact me again. .
https://www.facebook.com/bonvoyagebreakup
I found out my husband was cheating because I asked him and he turned to the other side of the bed and started crying it was 1am and I cried till 347am in the bathroom alone I woke up the next morning and left it has been 7 days and I’m in awe.. I can’t function at my house cause I have my own place but we made a house while we were together I left him at that house and came to my old one..I’m always cleaning don’t know why and we have a four year old boy… He’s with me obviously.. I just don’t know what to do…please help… Or answer our something I can’t sleep well.. I don’t call him or anything the last morning that I looked at him I felt disgusted..and by the next morning he was texting me love message that I didn’t reply cause I just don’t want him back I’m sure of that..I’m from PR THANKS
I don’t know what to do anymore I have cared about this girl for 8 years and we started dating and then I fell love but more then I ever have before I have cried so far for a week straight listening to the song let it go by James Bay trying to get over this but I can’t she was my everything she influenced my dressing my acting everything…. And now it’s gone… If it weren’t for here I wouldn’t be here she found me when I was going to commit suicide she was the only thing I lived for and now she’s gone so what’s the point of living
Isaac, she helped you to grow, to transform, to see beauty in the world.
Watch the power this has had on you – and the truth is, it wasn’t her – it was you, you chose to see love, and to let it move you. She may have triggered it, and taught you kindness, but it was you who experienced it, and held it, and grew it.
The pain may take a few weeks, but that is nothing compared to the decades of joy and growth and freedom ahead of you.
It always feels like we will never find someone like a love we have just separated from, but trust me – you will find even more amazing love, you will cultivate more wonderful joy in yourself, and as you create yourself in to being all you want to be in this life, you will draw more even more wonderful people in to your life too.
Big love from me to you.
Oh, and this might help:
https://www.youtube.com/user/unitedvisionaries/search?query=meditation
The hotnesy of your posting shines through
Here, maybe my story can help someone too. Thanks for these articles. http://myperspective91.blogspot.ba/2016/04/shooting-star-new-dawn.html
Here we go. Here’s my breakup story.
I had just graduated law school and was feeling so proud of myself. I’m the first woman in my family to be a lawyer. I have a great job lined up in NYC, great girlfriends, and a warm and supportive family. Overall, I’d say I’m a happy go lucky woman ready for a life partnership. My life is wonderful.
I met my ex in law school in a tax class. Everything at the start of our relationship was so romantic. In a little over a month we were boyfriend and girlfriend spending almost every day together.
I had one small area of insecurity- it’d been one month since he and his ex-girlfriend purportedly mutually split. Over the course of our relationship, I asked questions about his breakup to make sure he was ready to delve into a committed relationship with me. Did he still love her? Did he still want to be with her? What did he learn from the experience? What led to its demise? Much to my surprise at the start of our relationship I learned that they were still friends and texted every other day or so. I was confused so I asked him point blank: What’s the deal! Apparently, they dated for 1.5 years. During the last quarter of their relationship, his ex had tried to commit suicide by swallowing a bottle of pills. He felt keeping in touch with her at present was best until she was fully recuperated. Apparently the breakup was mutual and non dramatic. It went, according to him, “swimmingly.” Their friendship was totally normal to the point where he had told her about me and she had told him she was dating other people. He assured me he was no longer in love with her, there was nothing for me to fear, and he no desire to reignite things with her. I asked what he believed their relationship would be like in the future and he said that overtime, their friendship would extinguish. Along the way he’s brought up some not great experiences with her. For example, he seemed pretty traumatized by a terrible 2-week trip to London they had together- they fought all the time. And he had never been happier to return home after the trip. He cited the vacation as turning point for the demise of their relationship. All the same, when I asked if the breakup decision was truly mutual he said that at first he was shocked. He said he thought they’d always be together. But over the course of about a week, he said he came to terms and thought it was the best decision. I concluded (wrongfully) that he was over the breakup, that I wasn’t a rebound, and that we could have a long-term (or even lifetime!) meaningful relationship.
Putting the lens back on our relationship, I’d say my time with him was pretty much wonderful minus the few normal bumps in the road. We hardly fought or argued. I thought I was finally experiencing true love. We went to nice dinner. Spent fun weekends together in the city. I bought him a gift of 2 shirts for work, ties, and handkerchiefs. I also bought him a gift after finishing 2L as a “care package” for work. I thought these were kind gestures. He never gave me a gift in return but I figured he was paying for so many dinners and drinks, our relationship was still somewhat balanced. We met each other friends. He invited me to his professional law firm events with his colleagues and superiors. I thought this was a gesture of someone who clearly was investing in the long term with me because a professional environment is no place for someone you’re not serious about.
Meanwhile, I began to study for the NY bar exam. The bar exam is an intense exam- 2 days, 12 hours and probably the hardest exam I’ve taken in my life. Little by little it took over my life. We spent a little less time with each other than we did when we were in law school. I made a real effort to make sure my study breaks could be spent with him doing meaningful activities. He was generally supportive. Nonetheless, we experienced little road bumps in the road. I thought it was nothing that we couldn’t over come, but in retrospect it was foreshadowing of what was to come.
The biggest bump occurred on July 4th weekend. I put forth a variety of ideas for us to weekend vacation since I knew he had Monday off. None of ideas I came up with seemed to really persuade him (either it was too expensive or too involved). It was hurtful to see my emails go ignored and my ideas basically be discarded. I resolved to go for something less elaborate. “Forget it!” I said. “Let’s do a staycation and get a hotel for a night here in NYC.” I was enticed by the idea because I was roommates with my sister and some privacy and alone time seemed like just what the doctor ordered! I took about 40 minutes to research hotels. This was met the next morning by a terse and laconic email- “No. Honestly, I’d rather just stay in the city and do something active.” I was hurt. I had spent a lot of time brainstorming, planning, trying to think of something sweet and romantic for us to do so we could have quality time together only to have it be carelessly shot down. Mind you I had very little time to be doing this kind of research as all my time should have been focused on studying for the bar exam. And he rejected all of my ideas without a blink of an eye or even offering something else fun for us to do together. There came our first major argument that wasn’t able to be immediately resolved. I call him on the phone after work saying I’m hurt. He tells me he didn’t want our relationship to become co-dependent. He says it’s all too much! I was perplexed. When did a weekend trip become too much pressure? He didn’t apologize even though I said I was feeling terribly hurt. That night when I asked if we could meet in person to talk instead of on the phone he replied an abrupt “No.” This hurt because I knew he was going out to drink with his work mates. I felt abandoned and ignored. He said he wanted space to think and wasn’t trying to hurt me. I don’t message him anything else the rest of the night.
Next day, he went the entire day without texting me. It was excruciating and made it incredibly difficult for me to study. I remember I spent most of the day crying uncontrollably in the library and asking my friends on the phone what I could do. I barely made it through the day. Finally, I cracked and I decided to reach out around 6pm to call him. On the phone, we patched things up and I said I was sorry if he felt I was over-planning. He said he felt pressured. I decided I would focus the rest of the month on my studies and after I took the bar we would work on whatever this issue was. During that time I told myself I would just lay off the planning and just focus on myself and the exam. The next day we spent some time together at the park with my dog, but the following day, on July 4th, the day I wanted to spend together, he didn’t text or call. I login to instagram to find a picture of him and his mate with their shirts off at the pool. This hurt. It felt like I was staring at a picture stating “Screw you and your trips. I want to live a bachelor lifestyle.” But I decided not to get too ahead of myself, or be dramatic, and just let him have his fun. I spent the day studying once again and resolved to just let this pass. We spent another 2 weeks together I where as far as I can recall everything in our relationship seemed ok.
Next, I went home to upstate NY for two weeks to focus on my studies and really hone in on passing. During this time we texted everyday. He told me how much he loved me, missed me, and couldn’t wait to spend some together. Together, we planned on traveling after my exam. He sent me ticket prices for various locations and we set our hearts on Colombia. I declined vacation and travel plans with friends and even my dad. A few days before my test I also decided I want to invite him upstate NY to learn about where I am from and to see the beautiful landscape. I wanted to take him to our local lakes, mountains for hiking, and wine tours over the course of a magical four days. I wanted us to bond and become a strong unit.
Finally, I take the exam. All my stress falls away! I’m excited as ever to return to NYC to see him and celebrate. We spend a wonderful weekend together. On Tuesday, the day before I upstate trip rolls around, he comes over. Suddenly, he starts to bail. He tells me doesn’t want to do the trips. He doesn’t want to go upstate. He doesn’t want to go to Colombia. I ask why. At first, he makes up excuses. “I want to be in NYC. I don’t’ want to be away from the city. 4 days upstate followed by 7 in Colombia is a long time. The trip to Colombia is too short notice. Will upstate even be fun? ” I recognize these are all just excuses and him dragging his feet. I ask him to please reflect for a minute to tell me what’s truly going on. He pauses. He tells me feels pressured. He tells me he wants to go slow. He tells me he might have anxiety because in his past relationship the two-week trip to London was horrible. He tells me “I just got out of a long term relationship and I’m not ready for something serious.” He tells me he doesn’t want to lose his independence. He tells me he loves me, that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, and that he considers himself lucky to be with me.
What?! I think to myself. I am, utterly confused. It’s too late. I had fallen in love and he gave me so many signs he was falling in love too! What did I miss? At first I was in a lot of pain. But an hour later I sat there reassuring him: “of course I said I was willing to go slow with you!” I said I needed time to get over being hurt about the canceled trips but I was still willing to just go with the flow. He sleeps over that night. I cry myself to sleep and wake up in the morning still crying while he rests. We part ways and the next day. He doesn’t text. I feel the familiar feeling of being abandoned and ignored by him. I reach out and he says he feels guilty and that I seemed so sad. I say that I understand and we resolve to discuss. Two days later (and a couple texts in between where I express that I am very hurt and that I need his support) he breaks up with me. He says that he enjoyed his time with me and that everything was genuine. He says I’m an amazing girl, but that he needs to be alone right now. He says that he “thought that we could have something but got caught up in his emotions.” He tells me to take care.
And that’s how it ended. There I was; left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Can you give me any insight into what is going on in his mind?
Hey guys! What do you think about the role of social media in breakups? Would you pay a service to cleanse a person from your social media?
Thanks a lot of this. I am also going through a breakup right now. I’ve also started my blog which helps me survive it.
http://almost30andsingle.blogspot.com.tr/
Hi Catherine,
I’m Yen From Philippines. Thank you for the words of wisdom. I can relate on your blog and this help me as well. As of the moment im hurting and this makes me feel better reading your blogs. Make me hope that i can get through this break up.
very good article..really helpfull..tnx alot .really working..im just moving on
I recently found this blog and I’m so so happy I did! It’s unbelievable how alike our experiences were and how you felt! You put everything I felt and my questions into words. Thank you! I’ve always wanted to start my own blog about my heartbreak and self discovery journey bc there’s not many out there! Where people can connect like this and share their own stories and learn from others. You’ve inspired me and also help me see old things in a new perspective. But the posts are quite old now, do you still write?? How did your story fully end? Please keep writing! Much love, Marianna
I think my poem will resonate with a lot of people who have gone through something similar. I hope you all enjoy it.
Changes
Sometimes you have to make changes, not out of want but need.
Changes so difficult they make the heart bleed.
Your own dreams & happiness take second place,
Because of impossible decisions you have to face
You’d never have chosen the path you are now on,
You were forced to walk away from your soulmate, the ‘one’.
Your life was mapped out, sharing moments together,
Creating memories & loving each other forever.
Mistakes & selfish choices overtook what you had,
A friendship so cherished turns heartbreakingly bad
Walking away was of course the right thing to do,
But no one ever sees the total devastation inside you
You have to hide it & go along with what everyone says,
Telling you that you are better off & there’ll be better days
The end of relationship is like dealing with death,
A grief so intense you feel you have nothing left
When you’re the one who left & said “I can’t take no more”
It doesn’t mean you stopped loving the one you adored
You had no choice in leaving, lessons had to be learnt,
Having you in their life has to be earned
You move location & your job because you missed each other so.
Then having to do it all again in reverse because they couldn’t let go…
…Of their desire to want more & not loving you as they should,
The others filled a need but they couldn’t love you as she could.
So tell her to be happy & she’ll tell you the same,
But remember her changes are shrouded in pain.
These changes took strength she never wanted to use,
Your life together was something she never wanted to lose.
http://www.vibealitle.com I admire your blog! It has brought many women together in a time that we all need strength. Thank you!
i am going through a breakup now and it hurts but it has and has been teaching me a lot of things. you can follow my blog at https://diariodoindiano.wordpress.com/2018/03/07/
Going through breakup is not easy. It is quite painful. This blog has some awesome breakup survival guide. It’s really helpful. Thanks for sharing.
I’m going through a breakup, it’s my second heart break. After my first heartbreak I stayed 2 years being single. Then I met my current ex this year, he showed me love, took me on a road trip on my birthday. He showed affection, Ihe made promises. I believed he was the one until one day he decided he doesn’t want me anymore. He stopped texting and calling, he ignored my calls. I’m so broken I miss him and still love him, but I have to accept and move on.
I feel after my first break up I became too vulnerable and lacked confidence and self esteem. I think I’m desperate for love, hence i open up so easily to guys. I need help.
Great article!! Thanks for the links.
Check out my advice blog!!!
GODDESSES ONLY 🙂
http://www.goddess-advice.com
❤
Breakups are one of the baddest time of life.
You have share something which will definitely help others.
Keep up the good work.
The guidance about break up survival is very great, I appreciate you. Recently I also read another blog which is about how to survived a breakup. You have to look at this and get the more ideas from it: https://www.letsmillo.com/how-i-survived-a-breakup/
The same thing happened to me too. When we met it was she who was so eager for a relationship. She told me she loved me first. She made plans for us to be together even as far as telling me that she wants to marry me one day. We really connected in so many levels. After so many weeks, I started feeling she didn’t want to be as invested in the relationship. I found out that her finances were a mess. When we met she made the impression that she had a lot of money and wanted to buy everything for me. I told her that I’m not interested in material things. I only want her loyalty and love. Found out that she owes over half a million in back taxes and that her company has been liquidated. She literally had no money or savings to speak of. When we were together I would offer to pay for things and she started to feel comfortable borrowing money from me. She finally told me that in spite of telling me that she wanted to marry me and build a life together she wasn’t entirely sure if I wasn’t the right person for her. I was devastated. How could someone promise things and tell you they loved you and want to marry you and then say that you’re not the right person for them? It’s totally messed up. I am sad and heartbroken because I completely trusted her and believed everything that she said but she turned out to be a liar. I hope that I will eventually get over her. For not it hurts.
I too had a completely unexpected breakup 3 weeks ago. The level of certainty he shared with me about how I was the woman of his dreams, the right person for him, the way our lives were so aligned. I have a secure attachment style, and yet I had never trusted anyone as much has I trusted the things he said, the way he shared his love and desire for me. We were getting ready for date night, and he first started by apologizing how he hadn’t been spending the quality time with me that he wanted and “should have.” It then led to a conversation of how he didn’t understand how he could be so head over heals for me, but keep having thoughts of wanting to do other things without me rather than do the things we both loved together. He kept going back and forth in his mind saying, “I get so excited thinking about cooking you dinner each night, and then would say, “I just can’t keep going back and forth like this.” He asked me if I could “fix this” “help him flip the switch” and figure out why he was having these contradictory thoughts. I told him a big piece of our understanding is doing our own soul searching. He ended the relationship that night and said we would talk. I was completely shocked that our date night turned into a breakup. we had trips and vacations planned as recent as this week. I called him two days after the breakup and asked in a voicemail if we could talk and that I had more questions come up. I also shared my feelings of being sad, confused at how we both shared we had never felt the way we felt about another the way we did about each other, and that if I could hear more of what was going on for him might give me more clarity. A week passed and no response. I called and left another voicemail stating I know he might not have all the answers and thats ok, but even a one word response of “No” in a text to tell me he’s not willing to have a conversation with me would help. It has now been nearly 3 weeks and not a word or response at all from him. The thing that hurts me most is that I can’t understand how someone who tells you how he’d never do anything to hurt you, and how much he cares about you, could be the same person who could not even have the respect to respond in any way. I truly believe that humans are good, it is just so difficult when you believe in people so much and believe they will at least make the choice to be human to another human that they pushed for a relationship with, shared that space, and energy and connection with. I’m working on doing the things that make me happy, and working on trying to let go of the desire to know the answers, as I am only in control of myself and can’t make anyone else communicate. Just feeling sad, discouraged, and so confused.
Hey, this is actually very helpful for me 😂 I’ve just started my own blog on my (lack of) coping post relationship breakdown https://www.twentyeightdays.co.uk/ – if anyone fancies reading x